addiction_and_recovery perfectly_chaotic I walk around and see all of you smile and I feel fake, alone, angry, angry and angry.... I do not ever remember feeling this angry and it seems to be at nothing at all. Also sad. Sorry, but I cannot truly see you or consider dating you right now since I am trying to learn to simply live and be happy with myself. I hate myself and can no longer afford to ignore my problems.... I am a liar and shamefully am addicted to my own shame.... It feels necessary to throw my fist at the face of the next person I hear tell me to hang in there and that my sobriety will get better.... I can't live with the intoxicated lies, nor do I know how to live sober.... Damn, it is so much easier to just ignore this shit in my head.... The repressed childhood nightmares. The long ignored memories, excuses, and horrific deeds of adulthood. The torrential floodgates have broken open and I am afraid I may never see the end of the sewage as it washes over my mind.... Fuck, I probably sound crazy. No, I must be going crazy. Or perhaps, I always was and am just now able to finally see it. Finally able to see that I don't know shit about how to live this life. 110618 ... perfectly_chaotic I am fucking terrified. 110618 ... the Curer In an insane world, the sane man appears insane. Addiction doesn't have to be bad; and what you're feeling doesn't either. Stay strong... 110619 ... perfectly_chaotic The head feels like a heavy cloud. So tired. Almost too tired to write coherently, but it is feels so imperative that it be done right now. For reasons I cannot put my finger on this must be done. Yet I wonder, what is it that I am trying to get out? It is so very difficult to have tolerance for some of the people I am dealing with; a struggle to constantly remind myself that their expressions are well-intentioned and, despite their very scary christian wording, full of care, kindness, generosity and love. The buddhist in me wonders if it would be good practice to join in a bible study group. Although the words may be different there is a part of me that can understand their meaning and message to be the same as that of the dharma which I hold so dear to my heart. I am not sure which terrifies me more, the idea of seeing myself for what I am, or those few, among the diverse population I now find myself a part of, who wish to convert me to their theistic religion. 110620 ... perfectly_chaotic I also found myself afraid to tell them that I am not a christian. There was a moment today where I made a hypocritical judgement and assumed that they, too, would judge me. 110620 ... Poetic Onslaught You know you have a problem when you have to take in to the next day. When vices linger a shadow away to consume as the light fades. When thoughts are gyrating like vultures, a mirages distance from insane. And feelings are like a Rubik's Cubs waiting to be configured.... If I didn't try so hard to speak, this predicament would be wrapped in a stone. It's that same stone that pounds at my mind, looking for a way out. It hurts. My head throbs, literally. Fuck it. I'll take the vice into the next day because there's JUST NO OTHER FUCKING WAY!! 110621 ... perfectly_chaotic I know I have a problem because almost any other person who has suffered as I have, as a result of their use, would have stopped much sooner after seeing the consequences. 110621 ... Poetic Onslaught And we continue to push ourselves... but I can hardly remember why. Even my words seem pointless now... what I wrote earlier was taken from a blog I wrote years ago when I still had them. I'm not sure what "the curer" meant by what your feeling not having to be bad... but I interpreted it as, things can be worse not feeling anything at all. It does happen. And then, no amount of words can express what you think you're feeling… maybe because you're really not feeling anything at all. It’s like the denial of our impulses make us less human. We suppress them for a longer existence, not a meaningful one. The trick to recovery is holding on to your humanity. 110621 ... unhinged in the realm of hungry ghosts by dr. gabor mate a compassionate approach to addiction recovery i've noticed some other titles on addiction in my buddhist magazines. i will find them for you later. i noticed that the most helpful thing in my buddhist path for my addictive behaviors has been accepting myself. it was like someone hit me over the head with something really heavy when i actually started to believe that i was good just the way i am. i can't say i'm sober all of the time, but it is a lot easier for me to recognize when my mind starts to lead me down that twisty gnarly path of thinking i need to be fucked up to feel better/good about myself. the other half of accepting myself was not beating myself up when my habits and patterns reared their ugly heads over and over. that is the definition of a habit after all. every time i decided to make a different choice, i was one step closer to freeing myself from the bullshit. kinda crazy how i've flipped my outlook to a positive one over the years 110621 ... unhinged (and you are being really brave right now for trying to make yourself better; the bad choices and consequences are in the past. don't let the past make you feel guilty enough to fuck up your future) 110621 ... perfectly_chaotic Today I felt okay about myself and an odd sense of relief which has never before been present in my life... Despite the fact that I am facing 6 years in prison I feel this way... Free. Someone said some things to me today I have already heard, but in different words which came from the Jewish tradition. Despite my flaws, I am perfect just the way that I am. That the world needs me, just as I am, simply because I am the way I am. In her words, the righteous cannot stand where I can; it takes more strength to leave the path of the righteous and turn back around than to simply remain righteous. This part of my life can give me a strength which will allow me to truly discover how I can be of use in this world. For the first time in my life I am feeling human and am okay with that. It may not be comfortable, it may not be easy, but it is okay. 110621 ... perfectly_chaotic I am making a list of 10 ways in which alcohol has made my life unmanageable, I have not begun the list for drugs yet, and holy shit. When I sit down and write about this I cannot believe what is coming out or that I actually did some of the things I have done. Nor had I ever really sat down and contemplated just how many people I had hurt or how.... I will also be working on a list of ten things I am grateful for, but have not gotten around to that one just yet. Somehow that seems like it will be easier to write than the one I am working on now. At first it seemed difficult to make this list, but now that I have been at it for a couple of hours it seems like I could write a book about it. 110622 ... lostgirl thinks you should consider writing a book...i find your words rather inspiring... 110622 ... perfectly_chaotic Damn... I feel more terrified than ever like some tiny little infant. It appears that nearly my lentire list is comprised of the exact same few things over and over and over and over(can't write this over and over enough times).... How did I never see this before? I was literally wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. Tears have fallen. I am so afraid that I will get my shit back in order yet again only to throw it all away yet again. I have become very good at beginning to re-build my life, but have no idea how to not throw it away. It seems so insane to me to phrase the last sentence that way, but I cannot think of a more accurate way to put it. It feels like the only way I know how to live. Therefore it has become necessary for me to learn how to live all over again. I could almost pee my pants right about now. Yet I feel oddly relieved. As if I have given up some sort of fight. A moment which I cannot quite put my finger on occuring while taking what seems as if it were my first breath of fresh air ever. I don't get it and that is okay. 110622 ... unhinged (not to be evangelizing but shambhala people call that breaking through your cocoon; when the musty darkness of the habits you used to find comforting is no longer good enough because you've discovered fresh air...) i was really good at the cut_and_run when it came to relationships; i told myself i always wanted one. that it was the one thing that would make me happy, complete. then most times when i found one, it was either just for physical needs or with someone like my last heroin_doll that was incapable of loving me back. now i have him exactly what the last boy kept telling me i deserved as an excuse to run away now i have him and it's like all those fantasies of love i had as a little girl are coming true addicted to the thought recovering from the reality 110623 ... perfectly_chaotic That is wonderful and you have no idea how very surprisingly joyous I am for you what you have found. I am actually somewhat familiar with the words of Chögyam Trungpa and the Shambhala tradition; other traditions as well. I have been for familiar with many words for awhile, but never quite understood them. Nor do I dare venture to claim I understand them today. I may, perhaps, have an understanding of them, of a sort, but I am afraid I cannot tell you that I understand them. To me there seems to be a sort of spiritual beauty which can be found within any tradition. It appears to be a meaningful beauty of a sort which cannot be confined to any one set of words, nor restricted to any one religion or religious doctrine. It is present in the various religions and doctrines of the globe: the bibles of the numerous Judeo-Christian faiths as well as the Koran, numerous native oral traditions across the globe, the 84,000 teachings of the buddha and probably in many other places I have yet to even learn of. 110623 ... perfectly_chaotic 10 things I am grateful for: 1. I am grateful that I never killed anybody while driving intoxicated. 2. I am grateful that my family has not abandoned me over my issues. 3. I am grateful to know that my legal troubles will someday pass. 4. I am grateful to see clearly many of my samsaric cycles. 5. I am grateful to for the support of other people in AA/NA/other 12-step programs. 6. I am grateful that I do not have to resist feeling my emotions. 7. I am grateful that I have the ability to learn. 8. I am grateful that I have realized these things before my body has become a corpse. 9. I am grateful that I am not paralyzed. 10. I am grateful that my boss has stood by me through all of my shit. 11. I am grateful for my sangha. 12. I am grateful that I am still learning more everyday. 13. I am grateful that I can still enjoy breathing. 14. I am grateful that there are people who really do care enough to read this. 15. I am grateful that there are people out there who really, truly, do care about others in a genuine manner. 16. I am grateful that I may be able to better help someone else simply because of my mistakes. 110623 ... perfectly_chaotic Looks like I am grateful for more than I realized. 110623 ... perfectly_chaotic I feel rather bored, tired and lazy. Although I feel oddly okay with that, this does not make for an exciting moment. Truth be told I do not even feel like writing because there is this irritation sitting beneath it all and as much as I want to blame someone else it is my own damned fault that I am allowing myself to be irritated. Earlier today someone close to me basically was telling me that addiction/alcoholism is not a real problem. They sat there condemning people I haven't spoken to in years stating that they need to get over being addicted to misery and that all their problems, they suffered from regular delirium tremens, were all problems with their thoughts. They basically called every addict/alcoholic out there suffering weak minded and said they choose their own suffering. Here in lays the paradox, my perception was that he was judging other people; is this not also a judgement? Shit, I really wanted to explode into thousands of bits of flesh but decided to let drop it and leave him with his perception. When I think back I can recall a time, prior to truly being mauled by my battles with drugs and alcohol, that I too had a similar view of addicts/alcoholics. This is the only reason I can understand his point of view, but my experience tells me it is not entirely accurate. Knowing this man, he would debate his opinion until the end of eternity due to a severe case of must-have-the-last-wordicitis with the additional symptom of being unwilling to truthfully trying to understand. Without going through addiction/alcoholism himself, which I see as a possibility but am afraid I may be projecting myself onto another again, I doubt he could begin to truly grasp such a thing. Another weird thing is that despite the alcoholic we were speaking of having stolen drugs from me, and me harboring resentment for years after, I was actually compelled to defend the man's humanity. 110701 ... perfectly_chaotic "The Story of Today" Gyarrrrgh!*%&!* I am so incredibly bored. Yawn.... I am so incredibly tired. Roooooar! I am so angry and just want to either sleep or drink. Sigh. I take myself too seriously. Ooohhh. Aahhh... Glad I didn't go home and lock myself in my bed and went to see the fireworks with wonderful new friends instead. Bing! I take myself too seriously and need to remember to laugh and do something light-hearted here and there so the desire to pull my hair out can be swept away into the space (not suggesting the ground won't get dirty again by noon tomorrow). 110703 ... perfectly_chaotic Holy crap! The person I spoke of who had must-have-the-last-word-a-citis actually listened to me today, I caught them in a less argumentative mood, and said they never heard anybody describe the thought patterns of addiction like that before. Further, he admitted he was wrong after this happened. Turns out must-have-the-last-word-a-citis does have an antidote. 110705 ... perfectly_chaotic I am so exhausted from listening to my thoughts today... It is very tiring to try to continuously dismiss the irrational ones because there are so many. It makes me feel like I cannot let my guard down because every time I do I act like a crazy person. Fortunately I can occasionally remember to let go of my self and live in the space between, ummm, me and everything/something/I cannot explain it exactly. If only living in the relative world did not seem like such a chore.... Gahhh! Why must my thoughts always tell me that I want that which I cannot have and force me to realize it is out of my hands.... I must leave these things I desire alone for now or my ego will start screaming for them! Perhaps this also means that I must also give up this desire to give up desire? I feel like I am chasing my tail again, but that is okay. 110706 ... perfectly_chaotic It is so difficult to deal with this shit and I just want to somehow take the edge off. Yet I know that nothing will really do that and it makes me feel a whiny little toddler. 110706 ... perfectly_chaotic I am so grateful to be alive. Even though the cave once again crumbled down around me I am still simply grateful. Going to AA/NA meetings has exposed me to many people who have been sober for 10-25 years. Although some are growing older and their bodies are breaking down they are still grateful to simply be alive and have an incredible amount of joy and well-being in spite of their adversities. These people do not promise me flowers and rainbows either. In fact, they promise me that life's difficulties and challenges will not go away. Being around people who are so joyful in the face of such difficulties and aging makes me much less terrified of my own body's inevitable decay and my own inevitable challenges. Right now my greatest challenge is simply being honest with both myself and others. It is like learning to walk. Right now I can hardly stand on my own legs. However, with every time a lie is exposed my legs grow stronger and I believe that I will soon be able to walk. I am even growing confident that someday I will even be able to run. 110707 ... perfectly_chaotic Aaauunnhghghghh..... Can't hold on, can't hold on.... They are all drinking, what is this? What is this? What is this? Mmmmm. La odeur de le vin rouge.... My mind is scrambling, jogging, twisting around inside its shell like a snake coils around its prey.... Twinging flesh crawls in circles beneath the clenching cage of skin.... Relax, breath, observe the panic.... The panic, where is it? What is this new color? This odd relief? This alcoholic alcohol-less intoxicating distress. My head is swimming in itself and I only had a cranberry club soda. 110712 ... perfectly_chaotic A couple days ago someone asked me to share my story at a beginner's meeting and after a moment or so of hesitation I said yes. At first I was nervous about this because I don't like the idea of pushing my ideas upon others, but I realize that it is an unfounded fear. Maybe what I have to say might just help somebody and if someone doesn't really respond to my message today then I guess they really weren't ready yet anyhow. Heck, it sure took me long enough to start looking at myself with even the faintest amount of honesty, which I am discovering to be essential for my own path. It is a blessing to, at times, have enough patience with myself to know to have patience with others. 110715 ... perfectly_chaotic I am so full of shit that I do not recognize it at times. I may be sober, but other old habits still die hard. I was sitting at my local Alano club, without any cash, and decided I wanted some more coffee. Since the coffee bar will not take Visa for less than $5 I decided it would be a good idea to go chat up the woman working the bar so that she might give me a free one. On the way there I said hello to one of my fellows and they invited me to sit at the t.v. to watch Tomb Raider with them. To this I replied, "Sure, but let me go and get another cup of coffee first." A moment later I realized I could not simply go and get a cup and come right back. Immediately I admitted my folly and sat down to watch the movie. They said they still catch themselves thinking like that at times too, but that it seems to happen less frequently now. Old habits die hard, but it seems some harder than others. On a brighter note, a man who'd only been off of heroin for 4 days says that my story gave him hope. Me and a few others also brought a meeting to someone who wanted one in a psychiatric ward and they really seemed to appreciate it. I cannot say if either of these individuals want it bad enough, but even the possibility that I might help change someone else's life makes me feel alot less like a worthless piece of shit. I can live for others so that I may live for myself... I see no other way to make my life okay. 110717 ... phil When I skimmed the page, wondering if I should read it, my first thought was, why don't you don't come out and say what is going on, what drug have you been using? Halfway through reading now, my comment is, you need to take yourself down from the cloud of metaphor. Embrace your pain and develop a hunger for it. It is your cure. Do not rely solely on the words of others, even your own thoughts will not always be there. Not until the pain is gone. What you need is real events, but you have to be so so patient for those to help you. You need to think back to find yourself before you started doing drugs; find a different path for yourself from there. Think about who your friends were and your goals. Knowing what you know now, set new goals and imagine new friends and start over. Be the person you erased from existence. You will know a better life exists. While reading your 10 part list of things you are grateful for, I was taken by your honesty, but some of it I questioned. You are grateful for seeing your samsaric cycles? Be thankful you were punished for what you were doing, be thankful for that, because without it you would see your samsaric cycle for real. Not all mistakes give us strength. Depressed and exhausted, unable to feel your legs, your emotions, unable to communicate. This is not some phoenix from the flame story, more like a troll caught in the day. Blame the drug. It sounds like you have schizophrenia, I would suggest trying to deal with it mentally, until you see that you are the voice. Take a drug for it but it never 100% goes away, it is a root of a healthy mind, so I wouldn't advice staying medicated forever. Sucks to be you though. ;) 110712 was funny. Love it. I have found over the years the feeling of ineptitude and insecurity is the right one. When you are grounded like that, you don't feel like you are on fire, you feel caught off guard by everyday things. You feel normal. It is hard to share my reasons for doing drugs with people, just the cut and dry facts of what I did is a mystery. The truth about why I did them lies beneath that. Are you going to be incarcerated like you said, for 6 years? If so, I would get used to living in a box right now, before you can't escape from it. I have not been incarcerated, but I would mentally prepare for it, giving myself an extra step. I hear it is much worse than people expect. Sometimes it seems like I can just stay in the same spot and stare at the wall for a long time. When I finally do feel like going out though, oh boy, I just couldn't imagine not being able to do so. Best of luck to you. 110718 ... perfectly_chaotic You are more than entitled to your opinions, but don't expect me to simply take them as my own. Like you wrote, "Do not rely solely on the words of others." Have you ever tried working a 12-step program? It is very difficult to describe how particularly pungent emotions feel, particularly during the first few weeks of sobriety, with words. Why ought I stop using metaphors? Not everything can be described mathematically after all, and it would be rather bland to simply say I feel sad or I feel craving. Schizo hey, well that is a new one. Not even the doctors ever suggested that. Bi-polar yes, ADD yes, but never schizo. Also, addiction is addiction regardless of the substance. I have substituted many different substances for one another over the years. I will not fool myself into thinking any one will harm me less than any other. If you really feel it necessary to know in order to understand I will oblige with mentioning the heroin, coke, alcohol and pot. However, that is not anywhere near the entire list. I am also addicted to anything which will give me a few minutes of intense pleasure in exchange for a much greater amount of long term pain later. Surprisingly, I am grateful to see many, the key word being many, of my samsaric cycles clearly. Especially since when I simply ignore them, and pretend they don't exist, I create suffering for myself and others. Certainly you are not suggesting the world is better off with me drinking/using? I do believe that all mistakes can, but do not necessarily, give us strength. First we must learn from them. It may be difficult not to be that short-sighted, but I feel it is a necessary part of my path to make that effort to learn from my mistakes. Also, despite what you may think, it does not suck to be me. Although everyday may be a unique struggle right now I welcome these struggles because they are much preferable to the daily struggles I went through when I was out there drinking and drugging. I came into the program in much worse shape than I am in today and I am grateful to be able to experience all of it. It is a joy to be a part of the AA/NA community and feel like I actually belong in the world of homo sapiens. This may shock you, probably not, but I have already been repeatedly incarcerated. It does not scare me. It is easier than being free in many ways because it is all about you when you are locked up. There are really no real responsibilities at all. They cook for you. They do your laundry. You can sit and read, watch t.v., play cards, etc. You don't have to work. There are no bill collectors calling you. It's not all that bad if you can bring yourself to settle into it. However, it doesn't really even address the problems that inmates have and does not truthfully do anything to rehabilitate them into society. if anything it makes you withdraw even more and become even less functional afterwards. Yet many people wonder why these people keep ending back up in institutions. What scares me more than prison is the possibility that, after getting through that, that I will throw it all away again and possibly kill someone or myself. If I killed someone else I probably would kill myself so to me the only options are sobriety or death and I don't do the dry drunk thing so well. Thr 12-step community has helped me, and many others, find courage unlike any I have ever had before. We can have the courage to try to be honest about our problems and our flaws. I am not saying that I always notice all of mine, but I can actually work on the ones I notice. I am also not the only one there who feels this way. We have a sense of confidence which nothing else has been able to give us. Knock me and the program all you want, but I am becoming comfortable in my own skin which is truly a blessing that no doctor has ever been able to give me. 110718 ... ergo Sounds like you are perfectly_lucid. Thanks 110719 ... dafremen Pushing, shoving, bickering, bitching, territorial shiticisms..like 40 years of Water Torture, with no way to shut off the faucet. I'd rather be high. I think we'd all rather be high. But some folks fool themselves into believing that a shopping habit, a whoring habit, or power addiction aren't the same thing as doing drugs...but they are IDENTICAL in EVERY way that matters. 110719 ... perfectly_chaotic Hey daf, I would rather be high too because it is so much easier. I'd also rather be banging these women who are in early recovery, but I know that would be a fucked up thing for me to do. Why would one even show up at a meeting if they were not searching for a sort of happiness which does not involve temporary people, places or things? Of course there are those who are told that they have to be there, but for convenience I will overlook them during this post because that is another matter. Last night it was like a sweat lodge in a small room, with no AC, at one of these meetings and everyone was sweating profusely. Shirts were clinging to bodies and I can honestly say that sweat is a big turn-on for me. I had to repeatedly remind myself to simply listen to what people were saying instead of playing out the lustful fantasies in my mind. It was great practice. Knowing some things about myself, I am not ready to act on those erotic impulses right now because I will simply get attached to something short-lived and then feel temporary guilt, shame and longing for something I cannot have. The other side of the coin is that the shoe would be on the other foot and I would still feel temporary guilt, shame and remorse. Nope, I am so often full of shit that the next woman I will even consider touching will have to be one who challenges me when I show that shadowy side of myself. Forget whether or not I can get with them quickly or have a brief fling. Today anything less just does not seem worth it to me. I have grown tired of the pendulum swinging from 10 to -10 on the excitement scale. I am much happier in the middle content that I have flaws, but that they are okay. 110719 ... phil You have to think for yourself but you have to learn to take care of yourself first. Everyone has trouble. That's not just an opinion. "I am so exhausted from listening to my thoughts today... It is very tiring to try to continuously dismiss the irrational ones because there are so many. It makes me feel like I cannot let my guard down because every time I do I act like a crazy person. Fortunately I can occasionally remember to let go of my self and live in the space between, ummm, me and everything/something/I cannot explain it exactly." -P.C. What you said, made me think of my own schizophrenic episode. I am glad to hear you are not schizophrenic. It is important for me to talk about it with others who share my experience though. That would have been the reason I said it sucks to be you, because I would have related. It fucking sucks. My own setbacks required a certain way and my own view of society still needs to be improved upon. For me it is important that we understand our own problems, not just for ourselves, but to express them concretely. So others do not damage us. We also need to stop putting the fear onto others. The only way to do that is to rationalize quickly, and have an action to show what we are about. Your problems don't get the same sort of treatment as mine. I have never been incarcerated long-term or in a 12 step program. The way prison is designed, it seems to only create more problems. But it is society itself that sends people to prison in the first place. So what can be done to end that cycle? More effort coming from the prisoners. If you weren't in prison you would be out there destroying society and that is probably the only benefit; for society. It keeps people locked up until the end of time, if they don't accept reality and don't have a rational viewpoint. I don't think you "deserve" to be locked up, I think you deserve something far greater and more useful to you. I have been at that low point where prison would fit me like a glove, and I would say I've been lucky. It must suck to be in AA, it terrified me when I took a look at it, but I have never knocked the 12-Step program. I won't be dancing on your grave either. I have tons of problems I will never face but I fail to see everything in your point of view. I also don't se anything positive occuring from my own low point. Perhaps you've gotten used to the negative effects when you fail to even see them. You may be have an addictive personality, you might not, but you haave to admit most of that weight belongs to these drugs that are known addictives. You make believe every trouble can be ascribed to some uncontrollable addiction to rebound pain. For me it was the missing mental processes. That doesn't seem to fit with what I know about you. You avoid pain by lashing out at me. So I don't think there is anything wrong with you, as far as that goes. You also have these bizzare tales of samsaric cycles which I think keep people out of touch with you. What makes life miserable for other people is watching you defend your own destruction. Perhaps you are a little blind. I suppose you have had to make excuses for everything, and you've found ways to glorify it. Of course, you try to keep things most important to you hidden from the destruction. You might, if you find a way to turn it all around. So far, listening doesn't seem to play into your process, but I really feel you ought to consider it as a difficult problem, and it requires rigor. You've heard other people just like you at an AA meeting. As I see it, the truth is if you had said no I am not doing this at some time long ago when you said, yes, I am, then you wouldn't have seen all this foregone pain. Or would've you? Did you ever have a choice, and what is its purpose? You might not ever know the purpose, but you need to realize you can't keep keep doing the same thing. It is just not going to happen. I think knowing who are you inspite of what you have done would help you feel redeemed, but finding answers to such questions depend on what you do as much as who you are. What you must do is keep giving yourself another chance. 110719 ... phil I think we need another viewpoint on this discussion. 110719 ... perfectly_chaotic Phil, I apologize if I was lashing out at you. I was simply very tired due to an unexpected change in my work schedule which caused me to have a lack of sleep and was not fully considering everything you wrote nor everything I wrote. i am glad that you enjoyed my description of what craving was like before I settled into the physical feeling and began to enjoy it. I will tell you that I do not know a soul alive whose view of society does not need to be improved upon. Such an undertaking is most likely a life-long journey. In no way do I blame my fear upon others. Every fear I have ever met is due to my own selfishness. Me being stuck in my own head. ' Here are a few examples of how my view has been fucked up. I can think of a time when I was a child where a child said he did not like my haircut, in my perception that meant he did not like me. I was beat up repeatedly because I did not stand up for myself, but those kids were probably just trying to fit in with someone else so I can forgive them. That did not stop me from being irrationally afraid of most people most of the time. In middle school I was sexually harrassed by a girl who I was not interested in, I just wasn't interested in girls at all yet, and it was probably because she liked me and did not know a better way to express it so I can forgive her. Yet I felt her grabbing me to be an attack. This may be a bold statement, but I do not believe myself to have ever met anyone who has not had their share of problems. To me effort from prisoners currently seems to be, for the most part, a joke. It is not prison that is causing me to seek a new way of life. It was the fact that the last time I did drink I don't clearly remember turning the keys and next thing you know I was about to hit a car. Someone was injured. Prison will not help me from repeating this mistake and possibly killing someone next time. Nobody is telling me I have to do go into a 12-step program. This is something I want and to me it is life or death. Perhaps I am misunderstanding the intention of your words and you are playing the devil's advocate when you say I would be out there destroying society. The problem with not dealing with the need these people have to heal is that they will eventually get back out and repeat the behavior. You may as well just lock them up for life right away. I do believe that people can change. So I will play the devil's advocate to the devil's advocate Instead of hoping they change if you release them from an experience, which makes them more dysfunctional, why not focus more on treating the actual causes of the behavior? Will it cost too much? Will the prison industry lose too much money? Will the public in general cringe at the thought that these homo sapiens are not any less human than they are? I will not lie about it, AA is not always fun. However, it does not suck. The only word in the steps regarding alcohol, or drugs at other 12-step programs, is in the first step. It is a spiritual program. Why are you terrified of it? I was at first too because the book was written in the 1930's and they frequently use the word God with a capital G. Then I noticed the God they were referring to was not necessarily the judeo-christian God. There are people of all sorts of cultures, religions and socio-economic statuses. There are also people with various physical and mental handicaps. I used to be afraid of almost anyone who did not believe as I do, who looked different than me, or simply for reasons I cannot yet understand. Now I am not so scared. I am also not as terrified that I may be wrong about some things. Many don't call God by that word, but rather refer to it as their "higher power". For me, and many others, that higher power is simply the universe as it is. Sometimes I may refer to it as the Three Supreme Jewels because I am buddhist. Truthfully, a big part of the program is simply looking at your ego so you may find that higher power which is free from that ego. By free I do not mean that it does not exist, but that it does not hold you prisoner. I am not a prisoner to my thoughts about me, myself and I. That is a huge relief. This is not an attempt to glorify my own samsaric cycles, it is an attempt to make peace with the fact that they exist. I don't care to embarass my ego any further today by posting the list of 10 times that alcohol made my life unmanagable because I think talking about my childhood is humiliating enough for today. My unique experiences, which are not so unique, allow me to communicate with some people who may not otherwise listen. I am healing and by not drinking or drugging I am cutting many cycles at the root and preventing others from having to watch me suffer. It also makes it much less likely that I will harm others as a direct result of my actions. They say if you sober up a drunken horse thief then you will simply have a sober horse thief. If I fail to acknowledge myself as a horse thief it is unlikely I will ever change my ways. I know I would never have truly listened to the message of the program if it had come from a doctor either because my ego would get in the way. The program promises that you will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. While I cannot change others directly, they must do it for themselves, I can show them a way that has worked for me. Think of the suffering that such a change could present. Think of how many horses may remain in their owner's stables. Western science also shows that certain people are, genetically speaking, more inclined towards alcoholism and addiction to drugs than others. This is not saying that others are not more inclined towards addiction of other forms. I cannot speak for anybody else, but I was simply afraid to deal with my life and substance abuse provided some form of temporary relief. It was self-medicating and I was so stuck in my ego that I refused to listen to anybody else who suggested any other way until I heard it from another who I felt suffered as I did. So for years I was not ready to stop; it felt hopeless and I felt as if I was not at all like other people. This program is very ego-deflating. This may only be a psychological change, if you don't buy into the spirituality I mention, but I feel good about even making an attempt to help others. Therefore, others probably feel good about helping to show me how to change my ways. So by staying sober I am helping them, which also feels good, and by helping others who still suffer from addiction that joy can be spread exponentially like new branches growing from limbs growing from a tree trunkgrowing from roots. I cannot save the entire world. Neither can those I learn from. We can only help those who are ready and willing to listen. It will be painful to watch others fail, but I do not intend to let this stop me. If I drink or drug I will be failing any who I may otherwise inspire. Spreading kindness, love, joy, tolerance and acceptance is my purpose of living today. Anything else I say or think I want to do is just my ego's bullshit. 110719 ... Death of a Rose Everything you say P_C is a justified and based response and belief. In order to change oneself you must come to a point of compassion for others views, or else you will never truly heal your own mind. And this will, and I stress this point, lead you to your own self destruction. AA does help, if you let it, and you can get past the "GOD" push. My own personal god is my family. Not everyone has that, but when I thank god I am thinking of my family. They have always stuck by me through everything I've done. And I deserve better than to think that what I do may be hurting them, causing them to wonder what the fuck is going on. You carry on P_C, just carry on. Life is not a bowl of cherries but the nutrition it gives you will make your life and those around a much sweeter sound. Nuff said. 110719 ... phil PC, Society demands a certain type of person be punished, but they won't always pay for it. AA was frightening because of the things they lived through. I have never heard stories like that before. When you said samsaric cycles it made me think of seeing past lives. You can shout some people's name at the top of your lungs and they won't listen. I just want to share our lives unlike when we were kids. Your change should have an impact on people, if they need it. If they don't need it, then that is good too. DOAR, Mmm. I love cherries. 110719 ... Ouroboros He's in recovery- he was clean for almost a year, then relapsed after some external triggers. But now he's clean again, not drinking, and he is dedicated to staying that way. We've talked on and off about it, and the more we talk, the more I realize how much addictive behaviors I have. He described addiction as a choice, in each moment, to choose momentary pleasure over long-term health. And boy can I relate to that- seeking out the simplest, easiest sensory gratification in the moment, only to suffer for it almost immediately afterward. Every time I eat food that I know is bad for me, but that I'm craving, I suffer. Going to restaurants is like paying someone to poison me. It was his addiction_and_recovery that has led me to the awareness of addiction within me. 110720 ... dafremen Day 2: For as Long As Society Sucks, Sobriety Sucks. 110720 ... perfectly_chaotic Well daf, thanks for your opinion. Although I must say that I am glad not to share it because I am not relying upon the current state of society to keep me happy and sober. 110720 ... dafremen Day 3: Clarity returning. So are the insights..I'm not sure I want to do this again. Last time I went from believing that I live in a sane society to knowing that I was born into a worldwide asylum for the criminally insane. I don't think I WANT to know anymore. P.S. My opinion is for me..not for you. Get your own. 110721 ... perfectly_chaotic funny story: After about 4 or 5 days of sobriety I was beginning to get tired of hearing people tell me "It gets better." So I decided to tell the people at a meeting that I want to deck the next guy who said that to me. Everybody laughed. Not too long after a man, while he was sharing, said "It gets better," and then turned his head and put his hands up to guard his face. I just had to laugh at that moment because a couple of people who shared before this man had told me they felt the same way when they only had a few days of sobriety. Now I must simply tell you "It gets better." 110721 ... perfectly_chaotic I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere. That is the only thing that even makes me remotely fit in here. When I here some of these people say that they actually feel like they have finally found somewhere that they fit in it makes me think that they may be full of shit, but then again there have been moments where I have thought I felt that way as well. Part of me feels there is a good chance I will feel different about this again tomorrow. Sometimes I must ask myself "Am_I_an_alien?" 110731 ... perfectly_chaotic am_i_an_alien 110731 ... perfectly_chaotic At times this whole process seems like the most difficult thing I have ever done. Yet it can be greatly rewarding. I seem to be enjoying a new sense of respect and admiration from my younger brother. He actually told me he is grateful, not that I have suffered, that he was able to see some of the things my addiction has put me through and being able to watch me begin to change my life. I began to tear up when he basically said my suffering has helped him to be less selfish and that he respects that I am becoming a good role model by making these changes. I understand what it means to have tears of joy. 111009 ... birdmad i'm not a believer in the 12 steps, though i don't begrudge any who do. I still like the occasional drink, but don't like getting sloppy drunk...maybe just a little tipsy once a month or so, my stomach cannot handle any more than that after the benders i subjected myself to about 12 years ago... I haven't blazed up in several months, even before i had to go back on the job hunt and thankfully, I am 9 weeks away from commemorating 19 years since i kicked junk...It does get better eventually, but some days i have to admit i can still hear the monkey whispering in my ear 111009 ... perfectly_chaotic She met me years after I got sober. She wants me to go to meetings and says she is afraid of me relapsing at some unknown time in the future. When I go she gets jealous that I can connect with other people. Says I do not need her. Is afraid I will leave her for someone in the group who is not bipolar. Tells me I should leave her because I do not deserve to go through her cycles. Tells me I should try to find someone else who meditates and goes to meetings. Goes on raving off a bunch of putdowns on herself. Tells me she wants me to stay and to have a future with me. Says she is insecure. She cannot get the words of other people from the past out of her head. She occasionally hurts herself. Always expresses guilt over what she puts me through. I tell her I am not mad. I really am not, just exhausted sometimes. I needed a meeting tonight, so I went. Afterwards, had coffee and crappy food at an overpriced 24 hour diner. It was relieving. Got home. Went through the same shitty conversation again, but it was not as hard to go through. She hurt herself and says it was because she was worried when I didn't answer my phone while I was in the meeting. It sucks, but I guess it is just one of those things that is beyond my control. If I do not take care of myself I am worthless to her anyhow. By the time we got off the phone she seemed to be okay again. 141226 ... perfectly_chaotic Went to a "men's group" today. She dropped me off, said even though there are no women, she still does not like it. It's not a game, but the only words that come to mind are "I can't win"... Today was a veritable rollercoaster... They talked about emotional_sobriety today and I am not quite sure what that means... I am going to have to ponder it some more... 150103 ... unhinged it is a journey that never ends, the goal and the path simultaneous sadhana_of_mahamudra has given me the complete strength to believe in myself. now, i drink very sparingly, view marijuana as medication and keep to low doses. the last time i was triggered to seek out stronger drugs, i laid in bed til the urge passed. i did not even drink. i just let my training take over, let my faith take over, and the moment passed just as they always do. the past that day was scary, the present was exhausting, but the future was...is...doable. everyday that i choose myself over oblivion makes me stronger. now if_only the loneliness could become more bearable. 150104 ... perfectly_chaotic Working with a new sponsor. 12 Steps are weird as a Buddhist. He tells me to find a higher power outside of myself. Tells me I need to learn to pray. This sort of talk did not used to rub me the wrong way. How do Buddhists pray? Is metta prayer? 150525 ... perfectly_chaotic Working with a new sponsor. 12 Steps are weird as a Buddhist. He tells me to find a higher power outside of myself. Tells me I need to learn to pray. This sort of talk did not used to rub me the wrong way. How do Buddhists pray? Is metta prayer? 150525 ... unhinged there are 12 step recovery programs for buddhists. check out noah levine 150526 ... unhinged (and i find tonglen to be a really effective meditation technique for healing wounds that could lead to destructive choices. the self tonglen preliminaries from the tibetan book of living and dying particularly helped me rearrange my brain space. i put them on the tonglen page here) 160214 ... D to the Oar Just been through detox and what observations I have of this place for keeping people safe while detoxing. But that's another day. I've been able to meet with a psychiatrist and they recommend more trauma therapy. And I'm going back to another recovery centre. See you in a couple of months. . 220712 what's it to you? who go blather from