everything_is_falling_apart Mahayana im trying so hard to keep it all together but nothing seems to work, i cant sleep tonight, so much is running through my head, so many uncertainties, i have a job interview tomorrow and im a wreck emotionally a complete wreck, i keep thinking how so much rides on acquiring this job- and i have dark circles under my eyes from crying and exhaustion, im afraid of how much more lost i'll be if i dont end up being offered this job, i need this job... and still i cant sleep, and my love is not online, no-one is online that i can talk to, so i just sit here crying ... telling myself you cant give up ... no matter what happens ... no matter what happens you can not fucking kill yourself and you cant do that and leave sarah behind ... i sit here trying to remind myself of letting go of these worries ... try to do what a buddhist would do ... but i am not that strong i fear. i can not give up, i just can't. and still i am awake, and alone ... god of all nights to be alone ... why tonight why tonight??? 020528 ... phil sit back, enjoy the show. falling apart, that's good. 020528 ... lois on the brink namely, my teeth. Laugh all you want. How do you imagine that it would feel to be told that at age 17 you have an extensive amount of decay in your back molars? Or to be told that you will need atleast one crown by the time you reach your late 20's? I'm the only one my age that I know of that has this problem. My dad says I have my mother's teeth. Well shucks, I've got my mom's hair, her teeth, her ADD, and my father's gray hairs and depression. Heredity fuckin rocks, man. 020528 ... Dafremen Teeth are overrated. To some guys, toothlessness is a plus. Question is..how are the ol´ bazoinkas comin along? 020528 ... onemorebumpintheroad i'm pregnant. just found out yesterday. it's like a prison sentence. i'm only 20 years old. i've decided to have an abortion, and i can't tell anyone. my family would hate me, and he wants to keep it between us. i'm not even blathering this under my regular name. i have all these thoughts running through my head. i wonder what it would look like, what it would grow up to be, will the abortion hurt, will it tear our relationship apart, will i ever get over something like that. i'm scared, i'm tired, i'm depressed. i cried all day yesterday, and today i just feel empty, soulless. i've created something only to destroy it. i'm selfish, i admit it. how will i keep a secret like this for the rest of my life? how will i wake up without feeling like a worthless whore in the mornings. i've been thinking about all this shit, and it will all turn out badly, i know this. i'll get this abortion, we'll eventually break up because of it, i'll have to hold it all inside because i have no one to talk to. i should just off myself and get it over with. 020529 ... freakizh a kiss to mahayana baby's anxious post. regarding onemorebumpintheroad: sometimes letters can be pretty dull, if the situation is that difficult. if is true what you're saying.. you know the only recommendation that strange and distant people can tell to you is hang on. don't rely your anger in your innocent baby. responsibility is one of the hardest parts in life, we know that. but the escape.. is a total echo. eventually things will come up and haunt you. gain forces, outta nowhere, but remain still. do it for yourself. 020529 ... All my love *hugs* It'll be alright. You're doing what you think is best, and I'm proud of you. It'll be hard at first, but don't shy away from the grief, embrace it, and then let go when you're ready. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. And who knows, maybe the next child will be the one you keep, and will help you get through what you felt was right at the time. Whatever you do, you have my support. I promise. Arwyn 020529 ... dB Things fall apart; the center cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere The ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity. dat's Yeats that is. s' good eh? 020529 ... so fucking lost and there is goes.... 020529 ... Dafremen Course there's always the question Db: What if YEATS mother had had an abortion? She was only 16 when she became pregnant with him. (If any of MY girls ever gets pregnant at that age...I'm marching her down to the clinic myself. Shortly after a break an enormous hunk of my foot off in the biological stir stick's ass.) 020529 ... iknowwhereyourecomingfrom there's no way to tell what you would do in a situation, until you find yourself there... my boyfriend and i have been careless at times, and so far we have been lucky. i can only say to you that i hope it works out for you, that i don't believe that abortion is right, but that i don't believe a hate filled ranting is what you need. i'm crying for you, and loving you and your baby, no matter what your decision 020529 ... Arwyn Daffy, in a few ways I agree with you.. but they're circumstantial. It all depends upon the age. At 16, I agree, no one should have a child in this day and age. It's just too hard when everyone is expected to go to college and "make something of themselves" but I'm nearly 19, and I want a baby. If my father did that to me, I don't think I could ever forgive him, but that's circumstantial, as my father adores the husband-to-be. I think as long as you've thought it out, and understand the immense responsibility a child is (no more spur of the moment decisions, no more partying, no more anything that might endanger the child), and are willing to embrace it (not just see it as a burden and a hindrance on your social calendar), it's fine to bring children into this crazy world. But the decision is always something that must be made by the parents of the baby (not the grandparents). Most girls at 16 don't want a baby, and if they do, it's usually (in my experience with young mothers) because they want someone to love them unconditionally, and half the girls I know, aren't willing to love back the same way. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that children need to understand the consequences of their actions before a decision can be made. If a 16 year doesn't want to abort, maybe she'll consider adoption. But the decision should be made by the parents... the grandparents can try to help guide their children, but that's the best they can do 'cause if the kids think they're old enough to have sex, then they need to life with the consequences of said action. I really do support our dear annonymous mother. She's been thinking it through, and she's doing what she believes to be the best course of action, and she and the father (i'm assuming) have discussed this, and chosen what they feel to be best. I'm so happy that people can be somewhat objective about a situation. and like i said, I'm proud of her. 020529 ... if it really mattered in the world of unreality this forum really means everything is coming together 020530 ... Dafremen What I think all of you dingleberries seem to have overlooked is that an unplanned pregnancy simply goes to show how NOT ready the pregnant couple really IS for parenthood. This wasn´t a miracle born out of love. It was a mistake born out of horniness and, in most cases, misplaced trust or misguided romantic strategy. You cant go into parenthood like you would spontaneously go to a rave. The fact that I said I would drag my daughter down to the clinic sez nothing about my thoughts on abortion, if you stop to think about it. Rather, it would be a life lesson, a chance to see the realities of that which had never occurred to yet another half minded hormonally enriched twit...namely, in this case...my daughter. Whether or not my (hypothetically) pregnant daughter would get an abortion would NOT be a matter of my shoving her into a doctor´s hands to be vacuumed out, it would be cause for reflective thought...I was adopted myself for gawd sake. However, whether or not she would be shoved through the doors of that clinic would NOT be a decision for her to make. She WOULD go...she would see first hand the agonizing emotional dilemma that the vast majority of those young women face. She would be forced to see firsthand what SHE had brought her OWN life to, through her irresponsible pursuit of her passions. As for the "boyfriend", she could pour out a little liquor for him when she gets to drinking age cuz any boy that goes out with MY daughters KNOWS the rules, in VERY clear, very poignant terms. I make sure of that. Each and every one of them gets the speech and a list of the rules up front and those that attempt to cross the line find themselves waving goodbye and wistfully watching her wave back through the rear window of my Chevy. Period. see also: some blather which I didnt have the time to find wherein I state my belief that parents have the ability and the RESPONSIBILITY to take charge of their children´s lives. If done properly, your kids wont resent you and when they´re finally on their own, you´ll KNOW that they´ll make the right decisions. Anyhow...for all of your philosophizing and tender thoughtfulness, I still would direct you to PARENT and my words for you there. 020530 ... ^^^^^^^^ My apologies...make that PARENTS 020530 ... phil and they all think they know 020530 ... phil on one hand you have perpetual unanswered questions. On the other you have resolve. You just have to decide which is truly which. 020530 ... phil I think an abortion will cause problems, a life will answer them. 020530 ... onemorebumpintheroad thanks for all the support, i didn't expect such an involved reaction from everyone. as for those that don't agree, that's fine. you are entitled to your opinions, and i don't hate you for them. so please, try not to hate me. you don't agree, but you don't live my life either. as for the love thing? this wasn't a child conceived in horniness or a drunken one-night stand. he and i are deeply in love, but neither of us live the life that a parent should. neither of us could provide for it, and it would end up miserable. and i suppose i could give it up for adoption, but who says that that guarantees a loving family for my child? no one. it might end up with a worse life than if it had been with me. we are not financially capable, nor emotionally capable, of raising a child. so as far as solving all the problems by having it, you couldn't be more wrong. besides that, i don't want the guilt of bringing anyone into this hell. with all the pain that i and my friends and family around me have been through, i'm convinced that life is overrated. now if you want to sit there and call me a babykiller and an asshole, i don't suppose i'd blame you. i was anti-abortion myself. but it's very easy to point fingers and make declarative statements when you've never been in a situation. if all this is sounding harsh or defensive, i'm sorry. don't take it in that light. i'm just trying to shed a little light and understanding. and again, for all the supporters who were ready with hugs and kind words, you'll never know how deeply you've touched me. i love you all. 020531 ... Dafremen Your attitude toward and irreverence toward your own life go a long way toward explaining why you would casually bring one into the world because you are "deeply in love"...er well, no they don't, but sarcasm is my forte. As for expecting others to judge you and call you a babykiller or an a$$hole, well dear, they'll do that anyway. They judge you by the same harsh standards that you judge life and this world. IT is hell to you and to them, YOU are an irresponsible killer. Truth be told, that is fair enough, you've prematurely judged the value of your own life and the world that you live it in, knowing very little about the TRUE value of either...they have prematurely judged you, knowing little or nothing about you. As I said, fair enough. To me, you are a part of me and I a part of you. To judge you would be to judge myself. I believe that you are making the best decision that you feel that you can make, given the amount of experience that you have in such matters. Let's face it, if you've never had an unplanned pregnancy before, then you have no way of knowing what the correct choice is, only a 50-50 shot at making the right one. We can hardly hope to know the right path without the benefit of past experience to guide us. We can only flip a coin, go with our gut instincts and hope for the best, learning from the consequences of the decisions that we make. Good luck to you and good luck with your life, I honestly wish you the best, for in doing so, I offer my best wishes to a part of me that still hasn't learned the true value of the paradise that we live in. see also: APPRECIATION see also: GRATEFUL see also: HUMBLED see also: TOLERANCE see also: WHAT_YOU_DO_HAVE see also: GRAVY (Take the time to read (be warned that I can be more than a little long winded) if you truly find life so horrible...you WILL find the truth there. Whether you choose to believe it or not is up to you.) 020601 ... daxle again in one breath you say both that everyone is entitled to their opinions and that Your opinion is the truth. You amuse me. 020601 ... Dafremen I´m sorry...did I say that THEIR opinions WEREN´T the truth? No dear, YOU amuse ME. Must you be intentionally one dimensional? I´m sure you MUST have so much more going on up there in that pretty head of yours than criticisms and half-baked attempts at unmasking hypocrisy(and unfortunately half-thought out commentaries...I mean if they weren´t quite so trite I wouldn´t feel as gypped every time you shoot one at me. Lord knows I love a well thought out criticism.} Open your mind chicklette...it´s easy if you really want to. Course if you DON´T want to...hey you´re entitled, it´s YOUR life. Meanwhile, your scathing and pretentiously condescending review of my comments gets two thumbs up! Bravo! Keep those cards and letters coming...they´re what keep me coming back. : ) 020602 ... Dafremen P.S. Did you realize that to disagree with something that you don´t understand is akin to chopping down trees in the forest with a blindfold on? Seems that you´re using the sound of my voice as a homing beacon to aim your swings with..seems unimportant to you whether or not what you actually hit should be chopped down. Like blind man´s bluff meets Friday the 13th. I wonder how many innocent, positive and useful ideas you´ve killed for mere dislike of the messenger. Now THAT is amusing. Anyway I like what you´re doing because at LEAST it´s entertaining...is it an Inquisition? Is it a witch hunt? Is it an I´ll-take-any-cheap-shot-whether-or-not-I´m-really-shooting-anything(in my best high and mighty tone no less)-that-opportunity-allows fest? Well whatever it is that you´re hoping to accomplish...best of luck to you. You go girl! MARCO....polo....]THWACK[ : ) 020602 ... daxle If I come off as trite it's because I keep making the same sorts of comments to you because You, your highness, are truly trite. Was there anything really so scathing about what I said? Does the fact that I was brief mean that I didn't think out my response very well? I don't think so. By countering what bumpintheroad said by citing your words as the real truth, you are stating that her opinion is Not truth, or at least not as much as yours is. Check. 020603 ... Aimee daxle, I respect you as a blatherer, and really enjoy reading your blathes... there are days I actually come here and look at what you write, but lately you just seem so... well for lack of a better word, negative. What's up? Is something wrong? Anything I can do? 020603 ... onemorebumpintheroad you seem reluctant to believe that i could love him, Daf. because of my age? love doesn't have an age limit. i haven't had enough life experience to sit here and claim to know it all, but i've gone through a lot more shit than most people my age. and i'm still smiling for the most part. and no, i don't appreciate life. most of the time it's a real pain in the ass, but as much as i bitch, i love it just the same. i couldn't give up life now because i know what i'd be missing, this child won't. and if i sound like a dick, i'm sorry. that is my small measure of comfort. my child won't mourn life because it never knew it. yes, i am an irresponsible killer. i accept that remark because i cannot deny it, but i'm not going to give birth just for the sake of doing so. i didn't get pregnant to trap my man or as a graduated version of playing with dolls. it was an accident. people are careful, but they happen all the same. and i'm sorry, i didn't mean to start a blather bickerfest over it either. i just wanted to vent my feelings, as did you. i want to tell you that i really like you and respect you, Daf. or for as much as i know you anyways. i'm sure you understand my need to defend my beliefs since you've never been one to just roll over and play dead if you had something that you wanted to say. so i respect your assertiveness, i just don't necessarily agree. 020603 ... phil hehehe, but I do know the difference between a good thing and a bad thing. And I don't see a reason why you can't have a kid, that's one thing people have been doing since the ice ages. If a monkey can have a kid I'm sure you can too, life is a lot easier for you than it is for a monkey. I reiterate, I don't see a reason why you can't have a kid. It's not like you were sent here to study extraterestrial life, and don't have time for anything else. You can't plan. Trust me, the point of life is to live it, not to judge what is best for you. You became pregnant, it's not like buying a bottle of shampoo at the store. I mean you wouldn't just go throw away good shampoo, and a child is certainly worth more than that crap. SO why can't you have a kid? I think it's because you are young and haven't learned what you are all about, you still have issues, but one day we all find problems come from within, all the impossibilities you see today, are all in your head. Mostly everyone has the ability to do much more than what they are told. Everyone is a little lazy about life, but if we had the choice, and knew what could truly be achieved I think people would try always a little harder. Look at me, I know I could be a millionaire, or some sort of mastermind criminal, but who needs all that. I think you can't decide because you are still unable to tell yourself when something is bad. In a recent event in my life I was heading outside to have a cigarette, I thought to myself, why am I doing this? It's bad for my health, other people don't want me too, and I don't want too(at least in any long term way) so why do it right now? (I guess I already asked that, but that was how it was going last night too) I never came up with a reason why I was doing it, other than I wanted to, and maybe it was because I was bored, or trying to stay up a little later, or hungry, but no real reason to actually smoke the thing. No real answer hit me at the moment. Just what I had heard from idiots in the past. I am sure getting an abortion was ultimatley not your idea, much like eating food, or taking a bath. It came from your environment. You think just because you are 16 and can't afford a better job, you are trapped like an otter in an igloo. Trust me kiddo...having a rough life and living through it, imho, does not come from rotten luck, or strange circumstance. It's part of a journey, when you decide to stick up for yourself, and live a full life. You will think about your decision you made years ago, after you have lived through so much, and wonder why you thought it couldn't be done. look at me,(phil00) anything can happen, at any moment, and what oh what will you do then? You will live through it. 020603 ... Dafremen Ok, first off, I NEVER said that I don't believe that you don't love this guy. In fact, I believe that the entire jist of my last blathe had to do more with your apparent disdain for the world and the human condition than it had anything to do with your love of your significant other OR your decision to have an abortion. Let me reiterate...I DO NOT judge your decision or the health of your love relationship. I don't really even presume to judge your attitude toward life or this planet, I simply feel, from my own perspective that there are things that you have overlooked which leave you feeling that the world is a sick, sad, twisted place into which you shouldn't bring another human life. Again, I repeat, this has NOTHING to do with your decision to have an abortion. Seriously. It has more to do with my desire to help others see that the misery we see all around us, is what makes the human condition bearable in the long run. Misery is fleeting and momentary. Eventually the misery is replaced by times less miserable, and it is the more miserable times that make these less miserable times more desirable. Understand that Einstein himself and his understanding of the relative nature of things was a key in my understanding that the human condition itself is replete with levels of pain and pleasure, each being relative to the other. I can find pleasure in the fact that my misery today is less than it was yesterday. It is the fact that varying degrees of misery exist and the fact that pleasure and pain are relative to one another that make a perfect paradise possible within the confines of our own hearts and minds. Not to fixate or repeat to the point of obscenity, but I have NO comment about your decision to abort or about the nature of your love relationship, only comments related to your expressed disdain for this world and the nature of the human condition. Don't think that I don't hold you and all of my fellow humans in the highest regard, I do. I simply wish that we could stop more often to realize how truly lucky we are to have the opportunity to be aware, intelligent beings when so much of that which resides in the universe and on our own planet does NOT have those opportunities. 020603 ... daxle since apparently it seems I'm being overly negative, I'd like to take this opportunity to say that I appreciate daf's last comment... it shows true compassion. 020603 ... onemorebumpintheroad a correction for phil: i'm not 16. and you'll never comprehend my decision, so why don't we just call it a draw and agree to disagree? daf: sorry i took your comments the wrong way. your previous statement about love seemed sarcastic, but i'm just reading too much into things, as usual. :) i appreciate the clarification and actually agree with your points about taking the good things for granted and overlooking the positive aspects of life because of some hard times. i often take time to appreciate the little things, but this is just a coping phase i suppose. i'm all doom and gloom because i got handed a lemon. this is a very lonely situation. especially since it is a secret held between he and i. he's not very good with emotion, compassion, or comfort. he tries, but i just feel more alone. i learned a life lesson when i lost my father. something a little like what you said about not taking life for granted. now it seems i'm learning the biggest lesson of all; count on yourself because in the end, there isn't anyone else. so i'm just dealing with it. and dealing with this. i'm sure i will be able to regain a more positive outlook. i say dark things now, but i'll find the sun again soon. i just need to be young. i'm dealing with a new experience, a child's first deep wound. it's a pain unlike anything i've ever felt, so i guess i just need to be cowardly and weepy about it. it's the way you look at life that gives me strength though. you remind me of the things i try to think about, the way i want to see things, the way i'd like to be. so thanks. and daxle, i wholeheartedly agree, that was a compassionate statement. something that i didn't expect. it helps to get feedback from all of you. helps me to think. to make sure that i am in fact choosing the path that i think is right. [never truly know until it's over i suppose] but it's nice to be able to talk to someone besides him, albeit anonymously. sorry i've been so longwinded about this, again it just helps to talk. 020603 ... CJ the tower that I have built is falling appart with the slightest wind of distruction it could all come crashing down on me and my hopes and dreams that are placed in the pinical of the the tower but my core my lessons on life are buried deep in the foundations dusty and unused since the last time it all came crashing down they are dusty and faded for they have not seen the light of sun for so long but I think it is about time I took inventory to see what I have and what needs replaced but that just sounds like too much work I think I am just going to try to fix what I have 020603 ... phil flexible 020604 ... ever dumbening: steelystylie "Any major dude with half a heart surely will tell you my friend Any minor world that breaks apart falls together again When the demon is at your door In the morning it won't be there no more Any major dude will tell you" 020604 ... Sailor Jupiter CJ, I have super-duper duct tape that'll help repair your broken tower. I'll help you polish your life lessons so they are sparkly and usable. I'm good at being organized so I'll check your lists and make sure of what you really need. You don't have to go it alone. With a firm foundation, it can stand again. Hugs, *~SJ~* 020604 ... velvetdesire onemorebumpintheroad, if it's any comfort, know that a stranger was touched by your words. you sound so very beautiful. if i could, i'd hug you. xoxo 020604 ... freakizh now, some words give the sensation of this blathe to be a battlefield. deffending each one's point makes it so. what i merely thing could be the worst enemy in an unwanted child situation, is choosing something by fear. eventually it leads to what i said before, eternal haunting of your past and doubts. so whatever it is your decision, onemorebumpintheroad, collect the guts to believe it. thousands of obstacles will come up, as we, people love to question other people without any consideration. an undeliverable kiss. 020604 ... Dafremen And don´t THINK of going into parenthood unprepared. Remember Dog_Boot_Company also makes the finest quality baby shoes and boots. Whether your little fetus is a tiny toed wonder, or flipper the wonder child, dog_boot_company has just the size to meet your and your baby´s needs with sizes ranging from Tiny to X-Large. When you finally decide to have that bindle of joy remember, Dog_Boot_Company footwear is ready when you are. Dog_Boot_Company: Ready when you are. We´ve had your baby´s tootsies covered since 1956. see also: OFFICIAL_DOG_BOOT_COMPANY_DAY 020605 ... freakizh now that's something to be afraid of. :) 020605 ... onemorebumpintheroad i had my abortion saturday. i got the twilight sedation instead of the local anaesthetic, and they acted like i'd feel little to nothing. they told me that even if i did, the pain was comparable to strong menstrual cramps. they fucking lied. it felt like someone was trying to rip out my ovaries with a dull knife. it only lasted about three minutes or so, but those were the most hellish three minutes of my life. AND i saw someone that i graduated with in the waiting room which kind of scraps the whole not telling anyone idea. out of all the abortion clinics around here and all the days, i had to run into someone i knew. so we went home, and i was still crying and in some pain. i tried to eat, but i threw it up immediately. that night, he invited some friends over. they brought some beer, and we were drinking. at some point during the night [which i don't at all remember], we ate mushrooms. this could be the worst idea ever in the history of bad ideas. i don't remember anything until i'm in the bathroom, and i'm scared because i have this horrible pain in my kidney area. i can't figure it out. i assume something has gone wrong with the abortion. i had locked the bathroom door, not thinking anything of it. he tried to open it, and i was about to unlock it to let him in when he kicked it in. that scared the hell out of me. i was like, if you wanted in, you could have asked me to unlock it. i go outside. he follows. i tell him that they never said it would hurt this much, and i am worried. i think there's something wrong. he tells me i stabbed him. i laughed, i thought he was joking. he shows me a small hole in his chest. why? how? i said. you were laying on my bed with a razorblade, and when i tried to take it from you, you stabbed me. at first i don't believe him. how can i do shit like this with no memory? then he tells me that the pain in my side has nothing to do with the abortion. i climbed the tree in his backyard and either jumped or fell from the branch about 6 or 7 feet from the ground. so we go back into the house, and i apologize. you make me lay down with you and say you'll take me to a hospital if i don't start feeling less pain soon. this is when i realize our friends are still here. not my friends anymore. they probably think i'm psychotic now. and it's not like i can say, hey, it's ok, i just had an abortion this morning, so my emotions are kind of out of whack. can't do that, so i lost two good friends. i can't even think of an explanation that would help. so i just say i'm sorry. they leave. i lay down with you, and we fall asleep. when we wake i ask you if we're over. you say you don't see how you could stay with me, or why you should. i cry, i beg, i swear i'll never touch another drug if you don't want me to. your eyes don't change. you hug me, kiss my forehead, and tell me you love me. so that's it. i called you today and asked if we could talk in a few days. your emotionless response was yes. it told me everything i needed to know. we are over. completely over. and as weak and childish as it may make me, i cannot go through this alone. i would rather be dead than lose my child and the one person i've ever loved this much in one day. it is just too much to handle. i will wait until you talk to me, but i have already started to consider the fact that maybe i'd be better off anywhere else than here. i don't want to do this. 020610 ... sending you a hug I'll cry for you, and keep you in my thoughts (I don't pray, so I won't be keeping you in my prayers). I can feel the pain flowing out of your words, and it so saddens me to know how you're feeling. And it so scares me because I know how easily your life could become mine. 020610 ... Mahayana onemorebumpintheroad, you are in my prayers, positive thoughts, and well wishings *hugs* i know it is difficult but try to see this as a test in life and once you endure this all you shall have experiences to testimony & reflect upon i may not be going through what you are going through yourself but my friend i myself am dealing with many tests & lessons in my own life right now & it [is] difficult ... cuz it all has happened at once ... just take one moment at a time & try to find beauty in life and around you to keep you going ... i do not know you nor do you know me but perhaps if it helps even a little just know i am out there pulling for you and you may feel alone but my friend you so are not, please try to remember that stay strong and remember my heart embraces you 020610 ... daxle I know that words aren't enough in a situation like this, but you chose to share this with us so I just wanted to say that I've been listening and I hope you can find the strength to overcome this. Love, - 020610 ... onemorebumpintheroad it's tuesday. three days since the abortion. two days since i was able to talk to anyone face to face that knows about it. i feel like i'm going insane, being ripped apart. and all i want is for him to embrace me and tell me that i'll be alright. but that'll never happen again. i think it would be somehow easier if it wasn't my fault. if he had just decided he didn't want me anymore. i can't handle knowing that i fucked up love, and it's all my fault. i don't know how many more days i can do this alone. i need someone to hold me. thanks guys. i love all of you too. i wish i could hug all of you. i'm starting to scare myself. i don't know if i'm strong enough to do all of this without someone by me who knows. i can't keep pretending i'm alright. nothing's alright. everything is falling apart. 020611 ... Dafremen As much as this is NOT the time to bring this up, I´ve never been known for impeccable timing. I´m known for calling them as I see them...when I see them (among other things.) When I spoke of unwanted pregnancies being mistakes born out of horniness and not miracles born out of love, please understand that although YOUR love may have been very sincerely felt and "meant to last a lifetime", it takes TWO such meaningful, heartfelt lovers to have meaningful sexual relations that are not born out of lust. My previous point still stands and I´m sorry, in this instance, to have been right again. Hope you make it through this chicklette, you no doubt deserve a good life..so will your child when you are finally in a loving RELATIONSHIP that is mature enough to be ready to have one. Take your time next time is my advice to you. A long time is NOT too long to make him wait, or for you to wait either. If you risk losing him because you won´t "put out", he isn´t worthy of your love anyhow and good riddance. 020611 ... phil Fuck You 020611 ... cheer-up-emo-kid onemorebumpintheroad: I'd give you a hug if I could. and I'd let you cry on me. I also know that this probably doesnt mean anything coming from some random person, but this is truly from my heart. here is another long distence hug. 020612 ... Dafremen Phil apparently uses the "I love you, don´t you love me too? I just want to be closer to you." approach to getting them to put out. Sorry to be a such a cyber cock blocker phil. 020612 ... Mahayana & itll be hard but someday soon ill be strong enough to start from the bottom up and start to rebuild my life back up to where it not only once used to be, but even beyond that :but for now things are still falling apart so i wait and wait for the destruction to end so i may start the constructions of my new life: everything_is_falling_apart & maybe that is the way it has to be everything torn down & taken away to start over as fresh as possible i keep wavering from giving up to hope from laying down and dieing to standing up and living everything_is_falling_apart on the tetter totter of life 020612 ... onemorebumpintheroad daf: i am the most negative, pessimistic person in the world. my past relationships have ended because i didn't believe they loved me, blahblahblah whatever. what i'm trying to say is i've never believed in anyone. but i know he loves me. still. even if we can't be together. and it isn't because i won't put out. i was actually ready for sex and he wasn't. it makes me feel so close to him, but he was talking about never having sex with me or anyone again. so it's not that, although i can see how one might think that. it's just that i flipped out, and now it's done. on an up note...i still have trouble waking up in the morning without a horrible feeling of loss for him and for my child, but i'm doing this. and i'm doing it on my own. i must be stronger than i thought. 020613 ... Dafremen Nice cover chicklette. You´re definitely a cutie pie with a good attitude. Some day you´ll find that pride is a much colder playmate than the truth. Good luck with everything and I hope you find the right guy. 020613 ... onemorebumpintheroad daf: i don't care what anyone says about you, you're a sweetie with a big heart. ;) as far as pride and truth go, i got both coming out the wah-zoo. but in this situation i put pride before truth and that's what got me into this whole mess. when i should've just told him how much i was hurting, i was acting like a soldier. didn't want to let him know that it affected me. and surprisingly enough he was the one who turned down sex, not me. he's not some horny teenager. although i'm only 20, i have a much different outlook on life than most of my peers. so i tend to attract older men. he's 30. so he's not where i am, and he's not some immature guy that's not been there, done that, so to speak. on another bright note: he and i are working things out. i went over there thursday and we stayed up all night and all day friday talking. we laid on his living room floor together, and he held me. he said that he forgives me [pretty forgiving guy, most people wouldn't forgive somebody who tried to stab them with a razorblade in the midst of a bad shroom trip], and as much of a nonemotional, non-feelings person as he is, he couldn't stop telling me how much he loved or missed me. [and for daf, we didn't even have sex, lol, just playing with ya. take no offense] we're not back together, but he wants to work through this, and he understands how much trouble i'm having with this. he wants to help me. i stopped over his house tues. i think and gave him everything i've written on blather about this and a few other things. i had finally decided that pride was getting me nowhere, and if we were ever going to work this out, he should know. in a rare moment of clarity, i was actually right. i shouldn't have been so afraid of what he would think of me, but that's still my immaturity, i am only 20 after all. but now i have him with me through this, and it doesn't make everything all better but it helps. as corny as this may sound, romantic movie-ish even, we are meant for each other. i said that even before all of this. and it's cliche, but i don't care. because we don't have a cliche relationship. we have a bond that's frightening to everyone around us, and now we're stronger even with having to work through this. we have one more tie that binds us, and we have real love. the kind of thing you don't learn about in movies. so onemorebumpintheroad has one less bump in the road to hurt her, and i have something to smile about. :) 020615 ... Dafremen Ok, now you're not supposed to figure the big sweetheart thing out until the year 2012, so let's pretend this never happened. I'd hate to have to come up with some really snide comment then giggle my brains out as you tried to lunge at me mentally, only to find me standing behind you grinning like a gargoyle...all just to keep from having my cover around this place blown. So shhh...mum's the word. 020615 ... onemorebumpintheroad alright, alright. i was having an off day blatherskites. pay no attention to my earlier comment about daf....it was drug-induced hysteria or something. better, daf? ;) 020617 ... Dafremen I don't know WHAT you're talking about. (wink) : ) 020617 ... onemorebumpintheroad freakizh arwyn daxle dafremen iknowwhereyourecomingfrom emo kid velvetdesire sending you a hug mahayana i don't think i forgot anyone. i hate for my name to not be mentioned in things that i have directly, positively been involved with. even if it's thanks -------. and --------. and whoever else helped. the whoever could be 50 names and it still bothers me. yeah, i suck, i like direct attention...most of us do. i'm not bitching cuz i don't get publicity, i just hope i mentioned everyone that had anything to say besides ' you're going to hell'. you were all very supportive. and although it still sucked, it helped more than i ever imagined words could. your hugs and words of encouragement made me smile when Nothing else in this world could. i love you all. these are not shallow ramblings. these are utterly and completely from my heart. thank you. and if i've left anyone out, please state your name or person you noticed below. maybe it's frivolous, but i want every one of you to have credit for keeping me from jumping. these are the reasons i love blather. and to let you know: we are still together, and life is pretty sort of okay. 020709 ... lady lunchbox i can honestly say that i have been in a situation almost identical to yours...and i can assure you that it gets easier. they say that time heals all wounds...it even heals some of the emotional ones. maybe not completely, but sometimes you need a scar to remind you to always be careful. with time the pain will fade. it's been a little over a year for me, and it gets a little better every day. i'm at peace with my decision. i still think of my child every day, but i know that i did the right thing. you did, too. if you ever need to talk, i'm here. i know this doesn't mean much coming from a total stranger, but the offer still stands. take care pf yourself, and good luck. 020720 ... lunchbox i can honestly say that i have been in a situation almost identical to yours...and i can assure you that it gets easier. they say that time heals all wounds...it even heals some of the emotional ones. maybe not completely, but sometimes you need a scar to remind you to always be careful. with time the pain will fade. it's been a little over a year for me, and it gets a little better every day. i'm at peace with my decision. i still think of my child every day, but i know that i did the right thing. you did, too. if you ever need to talk, i'm here. i know this doesn't mean much coming from a total stranger, but the offer still stands. take care pf yourself, and good luck. 020720 ... lady lunchbox damn....the dreaded double-post. sorry, folks! 020720 ... onemorebumpintheroad i look back a year ago, and i see a different person. three days from the one year anniversary of my baby's death, the father took his life. i've lost both the love of my life and my baby. but there's no use regretting it...nothing can be done now. i am trying so hard to move on, but every night i dream he is still alive, loving me, by my side. my life has been irreversibly changed. all i can do now is try to have the life that he wanted me to have. try not to go down the road he did because he didn't want me to. he wanted better things for me than he himself had. so no more coke, been clean about 6 months. he admitted in his suicide letter that drugs ruined his life, so i will strive to be successful and put that life behind me. for him. for you, Rocky. with all the love i have for you i will strive to have the life you never did, the life you wanted for me. i will make you proud, and i will always love you. for the rest of my life i will love no other man the way i loved you, i promise. our love with forever and always be sacred to me. 031030 ... phil (radiohead fan) ... Drying up in conversation You will be the one who cannot talk & all your insides fall to pieces You just sit there wishing you could still make love They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out They're the ones who'll spit at you You will be the one screaming out Don't leave me high Don't leave me dry Don't leave me high Don't leave me dry It's the best thing that you ever had It's the best thing that you ever had The best thing that you've had has gone away ... 031030 ... more messages from the radiohead Two jumps in a week I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy? Flying on your motorcycle, Watching all the ground beneath you drop You'd kill yourself for recognition, Kill yourself to never ever stop You broke another mirror, You're turning into something you are not 031030 ... oldephebe god there is just no way i can respond to this page onemorebumpintheroad..only to say that my prayers are with you..an absolute stranger from the anonymous blue..but still what you've endured over the past two years..i coined a phrase a few years back to describe the duality of womanhood..the potential for nurturing..the capacity to withstand great pain and tragedy with outward aplomb..it was a tribute to my deceased ex-wife and several other women i'd been involved with..Charmed iron flowers That is what some amazing women are... Charmed iron flowers..be well ... 031031 ... Freak my_comfort is gone. Why did she have to leave me so soon? 031031 ... onemorebumpintheroad this june will be two years since i lost the love of my life, 3 years since the abortion. i gave up trying to hide it from people. it just ate me up. i don't know how i'm still here; i don't know what the hell i'm doing with my life. i just know that i wish i could bring them both back. wish i could undo every wrong word, every wrong action. it's too late for that though. this february was 9 years since my father. sometimes it seems that the tragedies in my life are the only things that keep me feeling anything at all. i'm seeing someone. he has twin 9 month old boys, and i sometimes wonder if i've been given another chance at having the family that was ripped apart by uncertainty, lies, among other things. i'll be 24 this year, all i want is some peace, if only for a little bit. i'm falling in love with this one. in love again. i'm terrified, but at the same time i'm starting to feel healing in with all that pain. i'll never love anyone like rocky. but i think i may love again. god i hope i know what i'm doing this time. 050416 ... smurfus rex leaves, twigs, and logs fall apart on the forest floor they fall apart and become soil the soil helps the new trees grow. this is how it is with you too. 050416 ... *Amy* I hate all of you when you act like that!! it really piss me off ! go away and leave me alone! I`m so much better that way! please let me live my own life the way I want without bothering me!!! 050417 ... jane everything_is_staying_together 070517 ... kuffsleeve SMASH UP THEFUCKING WORLD AND START AGAIN..... ______ forget the credit, wipe all plates clean your money is just a concept, your numbers are all made up, even your clock is an illusion. So if you live in the past collect your coins like it is a ticket to heaven but REMEMBER it is the devils trick. all the money owing to you ...will come but at a price.. because it is a means of suppression, a means of power, a jail sentence not freedom. Greed, power and lack of love and affection for your children is how we got to hell incase you were wondering what train you caught. give it what name you want but don't fight over a drop of water it is not yours to own.. it is on loan. 070518 ... pete everything is falling together 070518 ... pete everything is falling together 070518 ... birdmad vs the NIN collection every_day_is_exactly_the_same 070518 ... p0etictragedy xx Your thoughts of me as a little girl Who is devotedly in love with whom is taken And the worst part is; This little girl, has the love returned With nothing but more intensity And now it's all crashing down Everything is falling apart We're growing closer each day Yet you're still so far away I feel like I can never reach you When I know i'm somewhere in your head Somewhere in the back of your mind, You tell me to get the fuck away But i never leave, To be utterly honest, I like, no, LOVE it up there It's twisted and you keep challenging me. Thank you for teaching me, And helping me, to keep myself together when everything and everyone around me is.. fallen apart 070620 ... onemorebumpintheroad Reading back through this page... and realizing. All those times I said it was "my fault". All those times I said it was "true love". True love doesn't come with physical, emotional, or psychological abuse. True love doesn't come with conditions that I have to follow to be with someone... I am 33 now, and I look back to the girl I used to be and wonder what the hell I was thinking. He may have loved me in some twisted way, but love like that is not something you wish for or obsess over. What was I thinking? Why didn't I see it? Now happily married - no children - my husband and I made that decision and I had an operation to make it so. 8 years with trials and tears, and yet still going strong. He doesn't treat me like a pet or like a fuckup. He treats me as his equal, he doesn't abuse me... he was patient while I was still mourning the loss of my abuser. I mourned for almost a decade before I realized - yeah I loved him. But he had problems. He had something broken inside that made him treat me that way. I made a shrine to him here and in my heart. I forgot all the horrific things he did because he was dead. And I put him on a pedestal simply because he was gone. I do still think of my lost chance to be a mother a lot. But - I think I made the right decision, albeit for all the wrong reasons. I still mourn THAT loss, but I still feel I made the choice I had to. Knowing that usually doesn't help. I see children playing in our neighborhood or see a show on TV where a woman is pregnant, and I wonder... just what would have happened if I had ditched the father and went through with it? But it's too late for those kinds of thoughts. I still hold that life I took close to my heart. I don't know why I'm even posting this tbh. I just want to tear down every shrine I built to Rocky. He probably had some unresolved mental health issues - I've had enough and had enough friends with them to now know what that looks like. But it doesn't excuse what went on in that relationship. Things I blathed I mostly blamed on myself. It's not my fault he abused me. That's what I keep telling myself. But then - I could have walked away. Stronger now for all the things I have been through, and life is beautiful. Even on my worst days, I would never, NEVER go back on one second of it. This is my life, this is how it went, and even the heartaches were lessons. I don't claim to know much more than I did the last time I posted here, only that I am stronger and better for the trials I went through. I've been clean and sober since November 3 years ago. I have a wonderful husband that is patient and understanding. I am happy mostly, though I still struggle with depression. That's all I think anyone can hope for - to be happy. 150219 what's it to you? who go blather from