what_i'm_feeling_right_now
peyton Guess I'm stuck in a dream
Surrounded by coloured leaves on the ground
As I stare at the trees
I see one fall down on my hand
As I start to explore
I can't ignore a man
He turns his head around
His face was all worn by the sun

I'm going out for a while
So I can get high with my friends
I will
I'm going out for a while
Don't wait up cos I won't be home
Today

Drifting down a road
Losing myself in a dream
Feel my hands getting cold
Sat in a boat on a lake


Climbing up trying my best
As I sink
Climbing up trying my best
As I sink again

Lying back on the floor
Reaching up high into space
See myself in a glass
I'm counting the lines on my face
Again
Counting the lines on my face
Again

I'm going out for a while
So I can get high with my friends
I will
I'm going out for a while
Don't wait up cos I won't be home
Today

Today, today, today, today...

- Feeder
010222
...
silentbob empty, anxious, hating my life

wastin my life waitin for you

sick, my belly itches, i can't sleep or eat or shit. weird stuff is coming out of the end of my penis.
010222
...
Dafremen an itch...somewhere between my right nut and my thigh. I'd scratch it, but at least the itching sensation is something to break the monotony of another dull day. 010222
...
chanaka the ache of a cramp running down my right thigh 010222
...
the lights florescent stress, impatiance, frustration, stress


dread, wonderment, curiosity, exhaustion
010222
...
the lights florescent at peace with the world 010224
...
shiva lonely.

bah.
010224
...
unhinged that i could be a huge slut tonight 010224
...
Rhinna
Alive!

Mmmmmmmmmm......thunderstorms!
010224
...
Aimee useless. sad. repressed. dejected. unneeded. weighted down. 010315
...
monadh anxious
to see what the future brings
010316
...
lost like crying out,like dieng, like ripping out my intestines and slowly feeling myself slip into death. 010316
...
lost That songs badass peyton. 010316
...
babybat the harshness of my reality, and what i've chosen to hide from everyone.
my eyes burning with tears and yet at the same time dryness.
the way things used to be, slowly slipping away.
the pain of making the decision to stay home on prom night.
wanting to be anything else right now, even if my meager existence was that of a fly's.
heavy eyelids and restless dreaming sleep calling to me...
010316
...
unhinged i never went to my high school prom dear. the only thing i miss is that i wish i could have got all dolled up in one of those beautiful dresses. sometimes my young-girl-princess impulse takes over.






complacent
010316
...
mikey sick 010317
...
Tank really, really, really happy.

really, really, really safe.

really, really, really secure.

really, really, really loved.

really, really, really blessed.

really, really, really calm.

really, really, really alive.
010317
...
twiggie i found the perfect dress before i even went to highschool...it was pale green, one of those princess type dresses with the layers of pouffiness in the skirt. haven't been able to find one since...which is too bad. the only reason i want to go is that part of me that wants to get dressed up and go and get my makeup and hair done. maybe next year. 010317
...
psychobabe i feel a rock in my shoe....now i cant get my shoe back on :( 010428
...
redspark confused, concerned, questioning, hmmmmmmm, hhh*sigh* im not really sure what 010428
...
freakizh my back hurts.
my eyes hurts.
my wrists hurts.

but i just want to keep blathering.
010716
...
nocturnal a bit nauseous. 010716
...
Aimee sleepy.... really really sleepy 010717
...
black-dyed gel product I'm feeling boxed in. I need a release. 010717
...
yummyC my eyes are sore but I'm not very sleepy.

emotionally i feel...
calm...content.
010717
...
Sheena goodness...ive got alot of things and feelings goin through me right now. im extremely sad right now cause my bf is moving in a couple of weeks. im tired cause its 1:24 in the mornin. im sick cause i got strep throat. im hot cause the air isnt on high. im confused on alot of gurl problems. im feeling a lil pain im toe cause i just stubbed it on the wall. and im feeling like no one is there. like im the only person on this earth right now who understands me and cares for me. i feel alone and empty. but then again..so many people have so much love for me they are smothering me with it and puttin too much effort in showing me. but who knows, all these feelings will be different tomorrow.. 010717
...
Aragorn son of Barrett (myself) 010717
...
abraham lincoln This undying desire to get my music out to the world.......somehow....... 010801
...
Dafremen Might I suggest hanging around a spirit channeler's office Abe? 010801
...
Rhinna
anger.

a headache, because a million unsavory thoughts are running amuck behind my throbbing eye sockets.

the tell-tale bump on my forehead, with my index finger. damn that socket wrench anyway!

alone.

the soft fur of my cat, as i stroke her tail with my foot.

forgotten.

silly...for recording all of this on blather.

like i'm on the verge of crying. i'm holding the tears back, and it's causing a stinging sensation in my eyes.

tired of everything.

like an orphan, because i just realized that my father hasn't returned my phone calls. it's been months...

i feel like writing a string of curse words, but i don't like the doghouse...it's too cramped. however, i am beginning to get used to it, and so i am going to convince myself that it's cozy and quaint, to make myself feel better for writing the next phrase...

**** it all!

'whipped'...for returning to the phrase above, and replacing the curse word with astericks.

a deep longing for peyton...that i love him, and i miss him...

heartache.
010801
...
Rhinna
regret over some of my previous admissions on this thread, because what i'm really feeling is plain and simple insecurity.
010801
...
tourist Awww... Stiff upperlip now Lassie
Things will be Fine
You'll see
010801
...
peyton proud I thought of the idea for this thread, but not so proud that I think that no one else would have thought of it, or hadn't already

I wish I could be there for Rhinna when I can't, I wish I could sever a part of me and leave with her so she would feel me there always

I'm a little frustrated that the stuff with Aimee is started again, because she thinks I wrote the hate thread about her. I know that everyone she knows will think the same, and that makes me sad. I wish I'd have never written that blathe on slut, and would have never met Aimee Weber. ::shudders::

I'm pretty hungry too. I'd like some oatmeal, but I think I'm out of brown sugar and cinnamon.

I wish Rhinna would answer my messages on MSN. MSN sucks where I am. I can never tell if my messages are getting through.

I'm hurting because I want her with me.

I feel sad that lots of people will never know what sort of love we have. They will never experience the kind of acceptance we've found with each other. They will write their blathes of lonliness, like I did, and strike out at those who don't like them, like I did, and cause strife because they know bad attention is better than no attention.

I'm feeling that I will probably leave blather again soon. I feel bad that blather has turned from what it was, to what it is. The world didn't need another big blue message board.

I feel bad that I blame (or judge, or whatever you want to call it) certain people here for what it has become.

I still miss Rhinna, and I think I'm starting to worry.

Blather used to bring out the best in me. Now it brings out the worst.

I love you Rhinna. I'm feeling that right now, most certainly.

I'd still like some oatmeal.
010801
...
lost loss, and a whole lotta anger cuz my mother is a nagging bitch. 010802
...
sim In order:
Tired.
Forlorn.
Unproductive.
Impatient.
An overriding sense of loneliness and the desire to be desired without reservation or deceptive intent. I suppose this could more generally be defined as "longing," though I am thinking quite specifically right now.
010803
...
nocturnal at work like I could fall asleep right here, right now and not wake up till tomorrow. 010803
...
Teenage Jesus ready to end this week. Nothing has gone according to plan.

I will go and cut my mother-in-law's yard.
010803
...
enriquecito as the coyote must have felt when he realized that the ground of the arizona cliffs had dropped out from under him without his knowledge. where's the acme "I want to take everything back" kit when you need it? 010803
...
tex avery i guess on the same shelf as the acme "don't look back" kit. 010804
...
unhinged disappointed

i've been looking forward to tomorrow since the last time we saw each other. but you are right...i will be seeing more of you this week and i'm sure you would have asked me to go to cedar point but we already discussed how i don't like rollercoasters. it's just the huge pitter patter of falling in love with you kind of made me forget the reality of being human. so i have to wait two more days to see you again. ugh.
010804
...
florescent light trapped inside myself 010804
...
sim Oh God I'm sick. An allergic reaction has swollen shut my throat, the pain is like a dull and ceaseless scraping. I'm cranky, I'm hungry, I'm too weak to go out and get food. I hate this shit. It's so bad, an hour ago I finally broke in and started taking my backup meds that I've been saving for an emergency. It's times like this I hate to live alone. 010804
...
Tank i wish he wasn't so inconsiderate 010804
...
Aragorn Dread. Dread and impending loneliness. My itchy beard, for I can't afford a razor. A long neck bottle of beer, atleast I still have my prioreties. 010804
...
Aragorn spellcheck 010804
...
yummychuckle like stalking johnny west, that sexy sexy guy. 010826
...
sabbie bloody cold. i burnt my hand on a soldering iron about 1/2 hour ago and so im holding some ice thing i found in the freezer and im really cold anyway and i really must remember from now on to pick up soldering irons by the friendly plastic bit and not the hot metal pointy bit. 010827
...
nocturnal that I don't feel like bothering talking or writing to anyone that I can't see. I don't even want to talk to my friends from home. I just wanna chill with people here at school. this is weird, but I like it. hanging out with these people and not thinking about anyone else, I mean. 010828
...
johnny west I probably shouldn't sign on then... 010828
...
psychobabe Right now? *siiiiiiigh* i'm feeling.. happy...pissed...angry...sad..let down...dissapointed..left out...surrean ..bored...tired...hungry...thirsty..

i'm feeling alot right now, many mixed emotions. But what i do know is that i'm feeling for sure
010914
...
Aimee annoyed and tired.... I should like to think that sleeping in equals sleeping until 9:30-10am. But no. I can't sleep in here... why? no bloody clue but I was up at 8:30 (which technically is sleeping in considering I'm up at 7:30 every morning anyways). What's so wrong with this school that i can't sleep in anymore? 010915
...
distorted tendencies ethereal migraine of loathing 010915
...
vampers boredom
loneliness
hunger
desires
tired
used
010915
...
thedunator Sad 010918
...
unhinged pain...in my fingers and hands from playing my violin for 8 hours today. i really really hope i'm not developing tendonitis. 010918
...
silentbob Sinusy 010919
...
johnny west I really think you'd rather not know. 010919
...
a diaryland member afraid for the safety of the one i love 010920
...
bijou very romantic. and kind of sad. 010920
...
Logan Loved beyond a point that I thought was possible for me. I was told long ago that there was no one out there for me...and now I laugh knowing they were wrong. 010920
...
thedunator better 010923
...
Fire&Roses I'm sad that he couldn't talk. I love him so much. I never believed it would be possible, but I remember our times together and how I felt then and in an overwhelming rush of pleasure it all comes back. 010923
...
yummyc happy but sad for someoneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 010924
...
nocturnal pissed off.


anybody got any ideas at what? cuz I got nothing. it just sort of hit me a few hours ago and it's still here. nothing at all happened and here I am, in a super pissy mood. this sucks.
010924
...
Norm myself 010924
...
DannyH 2.28 am on the 25th of September. I woke up. The four crosses multiplied themselves into an intricate pattern, like lacy touille or somesuch Iím not sure I know the ords. I surfed the edge of consciousness, unsure if it was wise but feeling the bravery of those who know they are probably going to die. What is wrong with me? They ask.
There is a numbness at the center of my left hand, relic of a previous breakdown, offering itself as an excuse. Good try.
Am I going mad? Does it matter? Of course, there is always a deeper motive. Let me explainÖ
I have always felt that it was necessary to be a bit closer to insanity than I generally live in order to produce something of genius, so in the absence of genius, I suspect my devious little subconscious, which seems to have been rather dangerously unleashed since I started this writing business, has been edging me towards it in some sort of piss-taking simulation.
Essentially, the old sleep necrosis is kicking in and tonight we seem to have reached something of an impasse.
Patterns, truly beautiful, horrific, twirly patterns. I think they may have been based on a drawing I was doing for work. I was attempting to demonstrate how the leaves of a round extendable table would fit onto the pedestal which supported them. The complexity of the 3d drawing was beyond my skills as a draughtsman.
That vague coffeeish smell is back. I blame the television, it never did know how to smell.
In light of recent events I feel I SHOULD MENTION THAT SEVERAL THOUSAND APPARANTLY INNOCENT Americans died recently and we all seemed to be some of them. It hurts, in a way no-one can touch which is nothing like sympathy.

HELP

The earlier capitals were accidental, or unconscious, I am no longer sure which is which. Perhaps a sense of inevitability is the real gift of all artists and us optimists should stop banging our heads against the wall. They wonít let us in no matter how hard we knock.

Always erase the last sentence. It wasnít as clever as you think.

A cigarette is the last thing I need. And the first thing I want.

How long until I turn into the weird cynical old hermit I dreamed of as a child?

OK so clearly my twisted subconscious is doing this so Iíve got something to write about when it comes to not being yourself. I will not choose my words carefully when I attempt to describe how I feel. Then I will go to bed and hope this has been enough of a lesson.

A slight sense of nausea. My stomach is poised to eject poison. It seems to be waiting, doing its own thing, offering the only solution it knows of for the remedying of altered states of mind. The connection between the digestive system and psychology has not been explored nearly enough cf. the euphoria after vomiting, the depression, irritation and sociophobia that comes with constipation, the feeling of creativity before a shit.
The feeling that no-one has ever felt this way. The slightly exhilirating feeling of stepping into new territory. The desire for something supernatural in tension with the fear of it. Losing control, do we desire it or fear it? Both.
The sudden desire to test yourself against the real world, to make sure everything is OK. Take your pulse, turn the light on so you can make sure you see things the same way. Turn on the TV, the great normaliser, do you still react the way they would expect you to? Talk to someone else, do they look scared? If not, are you just learning to get away with it? Is this the first step towards the psychotic in the basement going around his daily business arousing no suspicion until surprise! The garden is full of bodies.
That very feeling of uncertainty, like floating, flying. Not so much where am I? Who am I? As how am I moving? What force is propelling me now? Where did all these new directions come from and what possible use could they be?
Then, laughing it off. Iím OK, donít be so ridiculous. It was just a bad dream, some strange twist of the night. Iím fine (why am I talking to myself) no-one will ever notice (notice what?) just think about something else, take it easy, everybody feels a bit unusual sometimes (do they?) its just a bit of a funny turn nothing to worry about.

Not sure I want to go to the stage after that. Not sure I want to find out or remember what it is. I think it has something to do with the construction of a false sense of self to back up the laughing it off thing and cover up the uncertainty and the originality, then something about being caught in the net of your own construction and getting caught deeper in it every time you struggle to escape.

Then nothingness. And too much time to think.
010924
...
unique butterfly that i'm insane and i'm leading joel on! yet i like him only as a friend! 011001
...
psychobabe SICK!!!! CUZ OF MY FUCKING DIABETES! GOD I HATE THIS FEELING IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH ITS SOO HORRIBLE I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL! 011017
...
Casey happy yet sad, wonderful yet painful, extatic yet sobbing. So, in other words, ok i guess 011021
...
sheryl that I wish I was in somebody elses body
feeling somebody elses feelings
experiancing somebody elses thoughts
living somebody elses life
cause mine is too painful and lonely
011021
...
Sonya Nullified, needed, abandoned, loved, hated, cherished. Extremely tired, disillusioned, and perhaps a tad cynical, but other than that...SWELL! Who am I trying to kid more? You or me? 011021
...
Toxic_Kisses Like I want to be held forever in your arms as our legs entertwine while I cry.
why do you have to be so far away...
011021
...
Understudy To Abby Grey Nothing.

I'm sick and tired of feeling - how do I switch it off ? I'd gladly sacrifice those few rare moments of self-delusional happiness if I could avoid the pain and confusion that's the norm.

Rather the cold numbness of unfeeling oblivion than the daily soul-destroying assault of sensitivity.
011022
...
silentbob I'm ok. 011022
...
Aimee I'm here... maybe not happy, but I'm still here 011022
...
Toxic_Kisses You know that spin-E thing they use for the game Twister (You know put ur left hand on green, now your right foot on blue and stuff) yea well I fell like some one has my spinner and instead of colors az options to spin on that this one has emotions, my gosh I can't remember A time when I've been so emotional, its like the person will randomly spin the thing when ever s/he feels the whimsy and suddenly I'm not sad any more I fucking pissed and for absolutely no reason, or I'll go from POed to mellow and relax, and than depressed, and every now and than the spinner will land on over actively hyper-happy and all of this might happen w/ in the time frame of an hour - UgH! 011022
...
Toxic_Kisses Happy/content - I spent the last two days simply snuggling in bed w/ my guy az we talked about this or that or watched TV mmmmm I just love being held in his arms ^.^ 011024
...
TalviFatin Loneliness....forlorn...melancholy...
I miss my love...
011024
...
ClairE Keyed_up.

Not his arms.
Or his face.
Or neck.
011203
...
rip that im madly in love with the greatest chicks i have ever met. but she doesnt see it and thats the most painful thing ever 011203
...
forbidden I'm afraid I'm attracted to you. And I know I can't be. 020103
...
Mahayana: Zakah: +defeated
+tired
+ashamed
+like im crazy, cuz my counseler connected mental illness with craziness tonight in front of me
+pathetic
+sad
+depressed
+tired
+god im sooooo tired
+i wish i had someone with compassion to hold me tonight
+stupid for complaining here on blather yet again
+shitty
+hopeless
+useless
+unheard
+invisible
+like someone duct taped a salt block on my unhealed wounds
+so unloveable
+...like giving up
020103
...
pushpins the burn of my eyelids,
damp hair on my neck,

swimming in an ocean of fat,
drowning in my obesity,
my ugly impurities.

I feel young and naive
and old and wise.

i feel dirty, bad, and wrong.

i feel evil, self centered, and bendable shapeable moldable. i feel like I am conforming to every rule of teenagerism, i feel absolutely utterly average, but i feel so different and alienated.

all I can come up with is....i feel.


sometimes with assistance.
020104
...
kerry clean

[just took a shower]

hungry

[in need of breakfast]
020104
...
ClairE My back hurts.

I wonder what's going to happen. But you know that.

Not satisfied, but happy. And that's fine. It'll keep me moving foward.
020104
...
Becky Aged-
Like a man that's walked one too many miles in someone elses shoes. Maybe he forgot to look back and find his own but he's gone to far to go back now. Too bad he'd die before he got there.
020104
...
Rayne scared... I am terrified you will hurt me again. I shake when I think it's possible. I crumble when I feel a glimpse of the pain you once caused me. I'm afraid you're my weakness. I fear for my life. 020105
...
phil ClairE, lay on your back, with your feet on the floor. /\_o
So the small of your back, and your shoulders both lay flat against the floor, you might have to lift yourlegs a little to flatten out, but keep your hips down.
Only do forward bends while keeping your back straight, or slightly arched backwards (pushing your shoulder blades down). You shouldn't have to bend far to get a good stretch. Work on your posture, make sure you get fluids, and have a relaxing sleep. Don't play golf, or take part in activites that would cause strain to your back, since it can take several weeks to fully heal.
020405
...
phil 1. lie on the ground until your back starts to relax,
2. then do the forward bends as long as your back feels comfortable.

p.s.-I am not saying to keep your back straight all the time when you bend, that would make you lower back support a lot of weight.
Sorry for any confusion.
020405
...
unique butterfly shit. pure sweet fucking shit.

and i've been trying not to swear. oops.
020412
...
Mahayana x-hausted =29.5 hour bus rides

+-+ its not easy sitting on your ass {that long} & remaining friendly to those around you +-+ [but i did it]
020412
...
mahayana like suicide is my only answer

{i wish i had the gutts 2 just do it}
to just fucking get it over with and kill myself, im just so fucking tired of everything, im tired of trying and all i end up doing is digger deeper & ending up even lower in life

[[nothing is certain but this never ending pain]]
020412
...
Syrope like i'm made of a thick styrofoam shell with water inside. 020601
...
blown cherry murky
(and I don't like it)
020602
...
kerry queasy
and sort of teary
annoyed
020602
...
unhinged that i will always be an outsider looking through windows and walking away with that silly smirk on my face.

my hands in my pockets
without
hands to hold
i miss the feeling of your hands
around my waist
holding inside
everything
but if i always had you to lean on
i wouldn't ever be able to walk away
again
020602
...
Mahayana :[ utter vacuity ] :
[[~im tired of being alone~]]
i am ||but|| im not
020710
...
Mahayana many kinds of splintered and twisted rocks- rocks aqueous and igneous, gritstones, conglomerates, shales, slates, syenite, basalt.

white coatings of carbonate of lime that look as though they were run hot from a puddling furnace.

dust of sulphur, copper, and iron blown upon granite as though oxidized by fire.
020711
...
unique butterfly my last blather describes what i'm still thinking.... i also feel like a loser and i hate myself. i'm also sunburned :'( 020728
...
phil today 020729
...
unhinged melted
happy
discontent
confused
spineless

i love when i make him go 'aawwww'

rebellious
030605
...
pobodys nerfect empty.. 030605
...
Amithyst Sey Blade where ever i am
what ever i do
i'll be right here
calling your name
whatever it takes
and when I do break
just be there to catch me
if i'm falling again
don't let go
don't let me down
just keep a smile on your sweet gentle face
no matter what
i'll be by ur side
in my dreams
in my heart
in my mind
whatever it takes
barely even sure of
what we may do
but if i keep holding your hand
please see me through
i know this is something
and i just keep looking up
in the sky
just be my soft place to fall
just be...
where ever i am
just hold on...
whatever i do
just don't let go of me
i'll be right here
calling your name
just know...
whatever it takes
just you and me...
when we do break
just holding each other
catching one another
not falling again
whatever it takes
030605
...
stork daddy feeling worried that i made the decision to be lonely years ago when i decided i'd be the type of person incapable of being loved. 030606
...
ClairE MAD!!!

First, Field_Day_Fest got CANCELLED.

Then, Jon couldn't make it to my house yesterday, so I spent the day that I took off in order to go to the concert, doing nothing.

Then, today he calls me to tell me he's sick.

Sounds like a fun weekend. Obviously this is not a big deal in the scheme of things, but I'm not a patient person and I've been waiting and I need to rant.

I don't even know when I'm going to see my boyfriend again. How many more years is this going to go on for?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
030606
...
Fire&Roses confused like most days now... never sure if i'm doing the right thing, I always say what ever you do do it for you, but how long have I been living for me? Have I ever lived for me... O it's easy when there's no one to care how you live, but then people give you the power to hurt them... they give that to you like a responsibiltiy becasue they believe you won't and so you do your best... to your mother who always believed the best about you and wanted the best for you and to your friends tho truly believe you're a good kind person and to your boyfriend who you do love, but who can never be IT for you... you hold on to them like little glass marbles.

O but how I wish to toss them away to forget anything but the now... Oh I know what i would do... I would find somebody who wanted me strictly for my body, who would take me to bed, passionately, not because it was what i wanted but because they WANTED me... I would go to the library all day and read all the books I never got to ... I would watch movies any movies i could find. I would go to cities and walk about aimlessly... I would go anywhere I hadn't been. I would forget that life can't be lived only for today... Today would be it for me... If I only ever got one day it would be worth it...

I'm so lost right now...
030608
...
xlkfjngh confused, lost, angry, Extremely Volatile, out of control, wanting, unknowing, reckless, sad 030608
...
ClairE Like a fucking jackass. Licking my wounds, always limping_into_tomorrow. 031029
...
L-mo im so0...amted right now cuzz my man pedro is wats poppin write now 4 mi....0 and I wove him so0......much!!!!~~~~~~!!S%P!!~~~~~~~ 031105
...
no reason nervous 031106
...
misstree confused
drained
blushing butterflies
rebooting
basking in afternoon sun
everywhere is vanishing_point s
and every path has flowers
031106
...
p2 kill_me_like_you_love_me 031106
...
girl_jane I feel like crying...

And I think I will.
031209
...
misstree disappointed. burned out. entertained in a very removed way. too prideful, knowing that eventually my pedestal will fall. apathetic. a bit bitter, a bit mean. tired. vaguely curious. exasperated about my umbillical cord being away, and fixating a bit. slow_numbers. heavy and blunt. all this while lounging in a patch of sunlight in a dusty room, the pleasentries of last night casting warmth over all the grit and grey. is them the thoughts of cats? i will ask my goddess when she comes. i wonder if the half-measure demons will haunt her in this town as well. 031210
...
Shadowfax Pain, alone, tired, in love, unwanted... 031211
...
Toxic_Kisses ditzy, for the past few days, it's as though my brain made an excape while I was sleeping and now refuses to return home, if you yelled in my head you'd probibly hear an echo, things'll get better but for now I'm a bit brain dead 031213
...
susan silver you are extremely clever
this i know

quit pushing chris, but it doesn't matter because in this silly tale there will be nothing to come of the words you think you follow
040304
...
white_wave tense, headachey, and a bit dizzy. 040304
...
misstree like the whole world is moving through me, spinning and gentle and smiling. like i don't have to hide. like knowing you'll be there; my insides sing because you were wating for me; because you repeated back to me the words i couldn't speak. like no matter what, for this moment, and maybe even a few to come, i can believe that everything's_alright_forever. and of course i'm afraid. but that hasn't stopped me yet.

disgustingly_happy. just for this moment. and maybe even a few to come.
040305
...
Death of a Rose uncomprimising purpose 040305
...
bsc "uncompromising" 040305
...
whitechocolatewalrus happy and sweaty and content and alone, in more ways than one, free, happy.

it's all these endorphins, im telling you.
and the absence of some certain family members.
040308
...
white_wave my mind is feeling pretty good. but my body feels old and worn out. my legs are aching from standing too long. my arm hurts from a dog dragging me down the street. But other than that I'm feeling pretty groovy... 040308
...
Toxic_Kisses Apprehensive
this feeling won't go away, I didnít use to feel this way and now it's always their, even when I feel other things like hurt, sad, angry and what have you the apprehensiveness I feel is always their lurking in the background waiting for those feelings to pass so that it can be the center of attention, I wish this feeling would just go away.
040318
...
misstree distant but immersed. strong. mothering without allowing. eternal. vague. emotional torrents that flow as one with me rather than bashing me to bits, but immovable at proper places. expressive. calm. anticipatory for just a little bit longer from now. understanding but unforgiving. hopeful but resigned. in love with everything but apathetic to it all. fullness seeking completion. contradictory. 040318
...
Death of a Rose intense, fidgety, nicotine withdrawel, fast, fast, fast, beer craving. 040326
...
Syrope the overwhelming sense that everything about us is so right

for the first time, i finally feel like i'm making someone happy AND i'm happy myself. before i've always had to be compromising myself to make someone happy, or i was happy and they weren't getting what they needed.

i love you so much
041023
...
Jeca i love you so much i can't even come to terms with it when i'm serious

my inner universe, the people i'm surrounded by and know me best are people i'm just crazy about-- i'm the luckiest woman in the world.

guilty
i should be working on things right now

i keep clawing at it and clawing at it but the more i grasp at the more i seem to slide
one more year
one more year
but what the heck do i do then? what if things get harder then?

i'm trying to give myself time to recover-- my body's not bouncing back and this when i need every shred of energy, all my ability to think.

oh god i don't want to get sick again it was one thing the summer before last when i was just some kid who hadn't lived yet-- i was so scared, but i would have died without any regrets. i have so much to live for now i'm so close to accomplishing my dream and i have you... oh god the thought of my life ending before i get to live it with you is more than i can handle.

right now life is condensed soup-- the good parts and the not so great parts are all right next to each other and much stronger than they really should be.
i'm still so damn afraid
041023
...
katherine weird...this guy flirted with me today. what a sorry state i am im when i feel weird because someone flirted with me... 041024
...
kookaburra happy

geeky
041024
...
Staind_And_Souless Alone
Lost
Without you
UNhappy
041109
...
laced tired from all the
trying to love this woman
when others can't get past gossiping behind closed doors
though in their second year
of college

can't tell her I love her
for all the
he said, she said
clouding her ears
amd both our pasts vivid
in our minds

so i am left to
hints, bits of conversation
about how it would be
would she let me
love her
041109
...
ambermoon afraid of rejection
like i want to run and hide
just need to cry
untill all the tears are gone
041109
...
villain daydream able to for the first time in atleast a year probably more 041119
...
Lemon_Soda Angry.

I waited to use the bathroom this morning because I knew I take a little more than a half hour what with showering shaving and various other steps of grooming. I waited because my roomate and my landlady don't take nearly as long and suggested i do so so I had all the time I needed. This is the first day i implemented waiting instead of going right into it and they decided to wait until I had to leave before they went to go do their thing. Now I'm sitting infront of a computer 5 minutes from class venting my frustration at smelling like a wet dog AND thanks to the rain, looking like one ,to. I'll solve the issue by showering here at school after class, but it really irks me when I get complaints, I listen to these complaints, take the plaintiffs very suggestion on fixing the problem, and when implemented get screwed for my compliance.

Awell... I'll just get up earlier from now on. I need to start my workout program back up and a shower right after will feel good. If i'm in and out before they even get up everyone will be happy. Funny thing is, thats exactly what I suggested when they talked to me about this "...but theres no need for that, we'll be out in plenty of time if you just wait and let us go in first."
041119
...
pete the hell bound train

and the memories associated with this tune

its so much better live

bagpipes are so much better live

we used to joke that we'd change our names to 'victoria park pipe band' in mock of the victoria police, who are playing this recording of the hell bound train

we used to bug the pipers until they learned it so we could listen to the 6 section harmonies

a new life is lived inside each new-style pipe tune

it signifies a change from the old feudal and clannish days of the pipes

to the new universal blood pumping days
041119
...
wingedSerpent blank, disposable and stupid 041119
...
cactus patty sad--and disorganized.
If I could just sort the feelings out so there isn't such a tangled web in my head, I would feel better, and probably understand better.
If we could only talk, I know it's just a one sided conversation until I hear your side of the story.
041119
...
not my real name introspective (who am i? why am I here?) 050215
...
unhinged defeated
spent
tired
like someone sucked my soul out of me and won't give it back
ill
repeated echoing_thought
and every night i have to talk myself out of it
sometimes it would just be so easy...

my fingers are twitching again dear
and i need your arms
wrapped around
to stay them


cracked
050216
...
pete heh, last spanish class before reading week, the deluge of laziness has hit early 050216
...
concha itchy on the inside of my ears, in that indistinguishable place behind my jaw but up inside. it can be scratched or soothed or poked or relieved but just continues there while i move my tongue, attempting to somehow connect with an entirely untouchable part of my body.

it's making me crazy.
050410
...
*Amy* like under the water, I want to get out and breathe, I can`t stand it any more, but always, sth or someone push me down again. 050411
...
palm That I'm still very much in love with you.



Excuse me if I avoid you like the plague.
050412
...
shilohlives Trapped between this protected world that's falling apart, and pushed into a vast open nothingness utterly alone. My only support leaving me soon...I hope he comes back to me to stay. 050412
...
? my sister's tits 050630
...
Doar like my fucking head is going to explode.

(I despise head colds)

.
050630
...
jane forgotten 050630
...
akuma aoi literally full and figuratively empty

and oddly serene, either because of, or in spite of it
050630
...
dirty centaur i've got a fever, and the only prescription is more_cowbell 050630
...
the cure however much i push it down
it's never enough
however much i push it around
it's never enough
however much i make it out
it's never enough
never enough
however much i do

however big i ever feel
it's never enough
whatever i do to make it real
it's never enough
in any way i try to speak
it's never enough
never enough
however much i try to speak
it's never enough

however much i'm falling down
it's never enough
however much i'm falling out
it's never enough
whatever smile i smile the most
it's never enough
never enough
however i smile
i smile the most

so let me hold it up
just one more go
holding it up for just once more
one more time to fill it up
one more time to kill
but whatever i do
it's never enough
it's never enough

it's never_enough
050630
...
anne-girl depressed
hopeless
bored
depressed
bored
depressed
bored
bored
bored
messed up
050630
...
highanddry like a cat
tied to a stick,
that's driven into
frozen winter shit

a pig
in a cage
on antibiotics.
050630
...
nomme) like a cup of tea 050630
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from