yummychuckles_room yummychuckle (yeah shut up i know. mistaken wasnt (don't pay any attention to the fact that i just used my old name...) Since blather is somewhat home for me (home is where the heart is), I've decided I need a room to sleep in and keep my stuff. annnd just to get some visuals going, this is how it looks: (actually this is how my upstairs room would look, had I had the money to redo it and buy stuff for it...and had permission...) kay half the room is painted black, but lyrics from various songs are painted on in silver, so its not that dark or anything... there is a sheer red curtain that divides the room, the black half has endless amounts of cool looking pillows (lots of animal print...grrr), and a cd player, candles, and other cool stuff. the other side has posters and pictures covering the walls (some stupid sellout punk bands of course, and a couple kurt cobain/nirvana posters). A 5x3 ft picture of black-dyed gel product is hanging, and various printed out blathes he wrote border it (hey, i wouldn't be a true blather stalker without it...). and some chairs (bean bag chairs, blow up chairs) and a hammock. plus some cool gadgets. thats all. i just want a place to 'chill'. now I'm gonna blathe about very very boring crap that i might usually write in my journal. Went shopping today and got some clothes. and they all fit right. ha! and I got some studs to put black brastraps so i don't have to wera those damn strapless bras. (brastraps can show as long as there is something really cool about them)... I WAS supposed to hang out with Logan today but he decided not to call me. and he decided to not be awake when I called him, and then not be home when i called a second time. At least it didn't screw up my day or anything... i wont say any more about that because logan doesn't enjoy my blathering about him (with reason). sigh...he likes privacy, whereas I call attention to myself in an obvious way, and then proceed to pretend I never wanted it, and bitch about it. or get really excited when someone sees my hair and says something happy to me about it. but the second things are negative, BOOM I'm in a corner, pretending not to exist. or just saying "ok." to all the insults headed my way. people are entitled to theiropinions. they choose to share them with me, but I choose to keep my opinions to myself sometimes. and soon enough the what-could-be-an-argument is over. because I never argue in the first place. its just someone being an asshole to me and trying to get me to fight back. i'm slightly injured in the end though. meaning: the fact that that guy i don't know called me a poser has stuck with me all year long and everytime i listen to any punk or put on any clothing with studs in it (we had a what-could-have-been-an-argument about studs)i think of him and I feel bad and wonder how I could change myself or what i could've said to change his mind. or save face. mannn i hang on to things like that for too long. most things i let go, though. insults I mean. who cares, fuck them! but then there is someone who sticks in my head. when anthony insulted the only thing i used to like about my body. I still feel bad about that. i think about what he said at LEAST three times a day. dumb, huh? dafremen would like my friend Erica. I think. But i can't make assumptions, now can I? anyways, she is such a great person. She has her head straight, she is so smart, and ....I mean she doesn't waste her time whining and bitching like me, she knows who she is, what she wants, and how to get to it. and she is always kicking me outta my bad moods (or putting me in one cus of her greatness). she'll just be like "shut up, who cares what other people think? loosen up!". and i don't even know, shes just CRAZY mature and has a whole fuckload of things way more figured out than I do. Its mostly just how comfortable she is with herself and her life, and how she doesn't care what other people think and doesn't let anything unnecsessary upset her. ok I'm done blathering now. and not that dafremen WOULD even bother looking at this page... don't respond daf... i just wanna relax and not hear your stupid fucking lectures (and they ARE lectures, and you ARE judging me!) 010712 ... yummychuckle ah. I am kinda bored, but its not so bad cus at least I have something to look forward to--if it happens. But I'll wait and see, then I can talk about it. my bag of reese's peices is all gone :(. I need something to drink or lick or munch on. and I need a fake ID so Isaac will bring me with when he goes to a club. Tonight hes going to one in DC. what was it called? Edge? I can't remember, i think thats it. It was rated like #1 club in the nation or something like that. I'm crazy jealous. i think i can pass for a young looking 21. If I get cleavage going, then it should work. Thank-you boobs. Thank you mom, and dads mom for giving me big boobs... no no, 21 is too old for me to pull off. waiiit...heavy makeup and the dark...and cleavage. ok *crosses fingers* hope I look old enough. I don't lookas innocent as in my pictures most of the time. hmm 14 yr old trying to pull off 21. *sigh* Isaac knows which clubs are strict and which aren't, so things will work out in the end. ahh if only if only i had something to do tonight. At least I made my bra straps pretty, with studs. I have two pretty studded bras. and they feel comfortable. mmm life is good. lol and now time for a bit of ani defranco... i wish i didn't have this nervous laugh i wish i didn't say half the stuff i say i wish i could just learn to cover my tracks i guess i'm not concerned about getting away 'cause every time i try to hold my tongue it slips like a fish from a line they say if you want to play you should learn how to play dumb i guess i can't bring myself to waste your time 'cause we both know what i've been doing i've been intentionally bad at lying you're the only boy i ever let see through me and i hope you believe me when i say i'm trying and i hope i never improve my game yeah i'd rather have these things weighing on my mind and at the end of this tunnel of guilt and shame there must be a light of some kind there must be a light of some kind 010713 ... yummychuckle nothing special. finefinefine i dont care i dont care what he thinks about me. yes i do. no you don't, why should you? not everybody can love everything you do! yeah...nobodycan love what I do. don't be so mean to yourself, gawd lighten up! I AM LIGHT! shut the fuck up I was just whining, ok? ok, ok, but you know you shouldn't let this get to you, jamie. yeah, i fucking know that ok? I also know that thoughts of him shouldnt interrupt my regular thoughts so often. in fact, all the time. I know i shouldnt have obsessed but i couldnt stop couldnt control it but i could control what i ate and if i couldnt i could make it leave me. so he can like me. so when he sees me he'll like me. its all about him. its him i care about him him him himhimhim. jamie, what the fuck? you hardly know the guy. Calm down, its no big deal. I KNOW ITS NO BIG DEAL! I tried to stop i try to stop i dont want to stop i want to stop i want to be like i know i should i want to cry why wont you let me cry? because you have NO reason to cry, jamie. you are so fucking weak. I mean, you and I both know (since we are the smae person) that you have no problems. they don't exist so quit making them you fucking peice of shit! i know. I'm so sorry. sorry isnt FUCKING good enough!! thats it, I'm sick of me why cant i just hink straight and not obsess? because your fucking crazy jamie. you do this all the time, too. you talk to me. but i am you! i talk to myself, its called thinking. not when we argue! what the fuck, yes it is, don't tell me that shit. I can say what I want, jamie. what if HE knew about this? didn't you tell him? huh? yeah. i told him. I havent heard from him in a few days. see, jamie? why don't you just end this. I swear you are such a fucking moron! just get it through your head!! why can't you just be normal??!! what would mom think?? i don't know. she'd freak out. I'd be in trouble. She would yell at me. She wouldn't understand. she doesnt know that i try, and I know I'm not crazy, but what am I? If I'm sane (which I am), then why am I so fucked up? I have no reason to do these things i do and think these things i do. it freaks them out when I'm not weird because of drugs. i dont take all i say so seriously. jamie, do you realize how fucking weird this looks to everyone? not to mention if logan got online. well i don't care because i havent talked to him for a long time. i dont think he likes me so much anymore. hes the type that would avoid problems, pretend they don't exist and maybe they wont get at him. well, too bad. i am a walking problem. so hes getting away. that, or he could just be busy. but he would find the time to call if he wanted to. shhh jamie its ok don't worry about it, it was only a summer thing anyway. I know...I wasn't such a great girlfriend anyway. anywayanywayanywayanyway!!!! idon't want you to leave me...you ARE my sanity, you know. Iknow, jamie. but its not like I'm leaving you. You will just ...become me and soon we wont be so separate anymore. that doesnt make any sense though...what do you mean? I mean...you are me, and I am you, and you arent crazy, but you sure do act like it. yeah i know and i try to stop i try to think right and i do think right but then i obsess. everything is connected to himhimhimhim. everything is connected to my fat fat fat. you are fat, jamie. I know I'm fat and I hate it! yeah so do I. just work out and eat less. yeah that would be smart. It doesnt work too well at first and sometimes i get lazy. and then, how much is too much to eat? When i excersize, you know how little fat is burned off? next to nothing!!! so then i cant eat!! sure you can, jamie. just eat the right stuff. but what is the right stuff?? its all the wrong stuff! everyone confuses me. but i know what worked for me before. what worked for you? I wouldnt eat much, but if i HAD to, I'd throw up. It sounds so gross, but I DID lose weight. jamie...you know thats not healthy. You hurt others by hurting yourself. other people say if you have no respect for yourself, you cant have respect for others! i know, and I'm sorry,and i know sorry isnt good enough. i am such a self indulgent bitch, you know that? i cant beleive how greedy and selfish and uncaring i am. I'm like a monster!! Everything is so cushioned. people everywhere are suffering, and I live a perfect life. i have oppertunities. I have a razor. and I should be the one suffering. I don't deserve what I have. take it away. you know you don't want me to take away your stuff, jamie.and dont hurt yourself. c'mon! didn't you hear what i just said? yeah, i heard you saying i have no respect. I thought i cared so much about everyone else. I'm trying not to let anyone down. I dont want to be fat i dont want them to see me like this. maybe if they don't notice.... jamie you know damn well they will notice, and you want it, don't you? you sick twisted fuck. you kill everything around you. you are a horrible person. i don't understand you. neither do I. 010714 ... Dafremen Thank you for going to your room to do this. I think that was very commendable of you and that it's a hopeful sign. Ok, well your space...I'm outta here.. : ) 010715 ... yummychuckle whoo hoo. daf approves of my ramblings. hooray. fuck u. aaaannyways. Guess who I met? yeah, you already know. i don't wanna talk about it anymore, i change my mind. ugh makes me feel sick. Of all times to be intimidated, shy, and boring, yesterday was one of the worst. i like sleep. I also like weed. Its funny. Isaacs friend and I were ...cool. Logan isn't too upset i think. He's sposed to call today,he called last night as i was going to sleep. I can't remember what was said. sleepy and high and enjoying life, i couldn't think about things like why i didn't show up. he needs to think about how he can "forget" he promised me we'd hang out that day, and he promised he'd call. then he decided to blow me off and never be home and never call me. five days is a lot, if you consider the time frame. I have/had two months out here and its all slipping away. I'm leaving so soon. its mid-july. I only have half a month left to live. live here. but I better fucking live it up when I'm in MD, too. And some friends with cars and the ability to drive would be nice, too. oh god, winter has got to live near me. if she does, everything will be wonderful. friends friends friends but only for a year. then its off to college with them. I refuse to lose her. I refuse to let her leave me, I don't want to be alone. I refuse to let so many friends escape to college. when it comes time for me and my friends to go, i refuse refuse refuse to let some of them get away. I'll keep in touch, and if one decides to settle down in a city/state I was always wanting to live, then more reason for me to move there. erica winter nick i refuse to let them leave me. those are the ones. everyone else i will miss but i can do without. but the thought that I may lose these people that mean so much and bring me such joy...its so sad. I build up these friendships, enjoy it while i can, and realize that its not gonna help my future. they will be gone. living only in my memories. i'm too attached. highschool can go fuck itself. we live together for four years, then split up and scatter everywhere. I don't have a chance in hell of surviving. and in college its the same damn thing. can't wait til life is stable. actuALLY, I know thats ndver gonna happen, but i can pretend, so i have something to look forward to. you guys think that dillon has me on block on AIM? i do. and he has reason. unhealthy_obsession 010716 ... Dafremen Hey don't sharpen yer teeth on MY old bones...that's what your parents are for. I've got obnoxious teens of my own to contend with and no inclination to be another pubescent broken record's voodoo dartboard. (Approve? Ha! F*ck YOU! I just said I was glad you kept it in your room...you apparently needed the approval part to set up for the "f*ck you" on the next line...or um...something..) Anyhow thanks for the brief entertainment, back to YOUR re-run of the classic tragedy in 5 parts "Trials and Tribulations of an Emotionally Unstable Adolescent" which I'm afraid I've already seen to many times to sit through AGAIN! Enjoy! P.S. Rarr hiss hiss )spit( Raaarrrr hissssss! P.P.S. Uhhhh...yea...umm I don't know. Uhhh...I DON'T know! I DON'T KNOWWW!!! Why can't you just leave me alone!!!!!!! FUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK YOOOUUUUUUU!!! P.P.P.S. Why can't we all come together! Why can't we have unity?!(Oh wait..I forgot...see above) P.P.P.P.S see also The_Theory_of_Everything 010716 ... yummyC i ALWAYS use the wrong word(s) when i am talking about you, don't I? I'm never ever right in your mind---oh wait, yes i am some of the time (JUST because I said that i never was, then you would prove me wrong by saying i was...) of course that in itself would be wrong, even though i tried to make it correct. I only said a phrase to u, don't get your panties in a ruffle, dafremen. and yes, you did sit through my whatever the fuck you called it, seeing as you felt it important enough to write on this page, to me. 010716 ... florescent light Dearest yummychuckle, I love you. You are the perfect kid sister I've never had but have always, always wanted. With love, your blather sister and friend, Sheryl 010716 ... yummyC AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW thats so sweet. i beleive that deserves a "ditto", only with big sister instead of kid sister... 010716 ... black-dyed gel product I like rice. And you two were interesting too. 010716 ... Dafremen Rice is better than corn. My panties dont have ruffles, just ridges. You florescent are one-hundred percent worse than Yummy could ever be and she's pretty f*cking bad. 010717 ... yummychuckle Daf you are such a bitch. 010717 ... Dafremen I'll take that as a compliment coming from YOU Ms. Stickypants. 010717 ... yummychuckle thats it--get outta my room. (locks door beind dafremen) :) aaannnywaay...yum: american beauty and chasing amy and clerks. Hawaii is lookin pretty good...whether i move to a different town or not. If I move, then I'll be within walking distance to most of my friend's houses, and if I don't, I still have a babysitting job and another friend is moving close to me and she'll have the house all to herself. actually, shes sharing it with her bestfriend...which still works out really well. ever had the urge to jam one of those incense cones up your nose? uh...me neither... peas. 010717 ... yummychuckle *gasp* :::comes to the sudden realization that just because Logan doesn't post anything doesn't mean he doesn't read blather::: anywho. ive been bored for the past forever. My dad is being a horrible father and protecting me from the dangerous people in this world by not dropping me off at some random public place at 9 pm to meet someone he's never seen before. How dare he! Besides, thats not what I was doing. I was gonna stay at Logans house, but, you know, I needed an elaborate lie to get a ride into town and near Logan's at night. So I can't be mad at my father, who only had good intentions and wanted me safe. Still...I directed my anger at the fact that when I called Logans house his bro said he wasn't home, at my dad. I was just upset things didn't go my way. So I informed my dad that I could hurt me more than anybody else could, and stormed upstairs to my room and called Nick (close guy friend in hawaii). And felt better, although guilty. But, hey, he got my mom pregnant and they are dealin with the consequences. I'll be easy on him for a while though, to make up for my selfish tantrum tonight. Maybe. I do have a tendency to get real pissed off at him when he's drunk and trying to talk to me about things like birth control. I feel like slapping him. or shooting him. or something violent anyway. I had better not be an alcoholic later in life. I don't even enjoy drinking so much...I don't think it'll be a big problem with me. Not drinking. tails are very useful things. I wish I had one. high cutie (if ur reading this) love, me. 010717 ... Dafremen I am...do go on...punkin. (Quickly slips nail that door was opened with back in his pocket) 010718 ... yummyC psssshhhhhht yeah right. I'm watching the end of the south park movie. k...its over. hooray. For once I have something to do. Not todat tho. Tomorrow and Friday. What day is it anyway? and what movie should I watch next? My neighbor, Will Chapman, was on who wants to be a millionaire last night. he won like $32,000, and I forgot to watch the show! I'm pissed at myself. I kept forgetting about it... ANYWAY yeah I grew up next door to him and my brother used to be like best friends with him. I remember having a crush on him when I was little. Now he's like a zillion years old (in his twenties). i love this little wind resistant lighter. bye... (shoves Dafremen out the door and locks it a zillion times so access can only be attained with a bomb or something) 010718 ... Dafremen (Behind the door smirking...and holding...yep you guessed it, a bomb.) 010718 ... yummychuckle mmm hot chocolate. I just watched "the beach", and I enjoyed it. I didn't think I'd like it...hmm... i wish it was sunnier out but this will do. I'm going crazy inside, maybe i should go outside. yea... I'm manipulative? I don't think I'm smart enough to be called manipulative. and how do you defend yourself when u are called that? anything you say can be held against you. even your silence can be held against you. i don't think thats fair at all. 010719 ... Dafremen I always counter with... "Ok then, what would YOU like me to do?" (In my most sincere insincere voice) That usually shuts them up and sets me up to get MY way. Yea I know what you mean...manipulative my ass, I've just got sh*t to do and I need help doing it. That's all. 010719 ... Persona oO0knock knocking0Oo yummy, it's cold outside and there are wolves after me. Can I come in for a coffee and smoke? 010719 ... Dafremen (Howls) OOOWWWWWWooooooooOOOOOO00000000 010720 ... yummychuckle eh. I'll think about it. hehe. step right it, dafremen already bombed my door open. stupid old man...wrecking up the place. 010720 ... yummychuckle well its alright me heart isnt broken its alright i'm feelin no pain its alright I'm not going crazy. its alright its no big thiing... yeah. pop punk. anyways. im home alone and last night was fun. i was home alone and really loud. i like taking advantage of living not too close to other houses... i scream a lot and yell a lot for the hell of it. AAAHH!!! ok yeah that felt good. hurt my ears though. wow i just remembered cory. this dude and this whole big thing at the beginning of the year with erica. she hates his gutz. hm. i always forget about him. i think she does too, but we keep getting reminded. wow this makes no sense. i have nothing to say but: OBSESSED WITH YOU you are just a concept you are just a dream you're just a reflection of the new regime you are just a symbol you are just a theme you're just another figure for the sales machine ooo ooo they're obsessed with yoo ooo ooo ooo they're obsessed with yoo ooo ooo ooo cos they're watching with yoo ooo you are just a victim you are just a find soon to be a casuality a casuality of time 010720 ... Dafremen Heheh that's so cute. Oops(Claps hands over mouth.).. - - (Takes them back off) I meant cool yea...that's cool. 010721 ... yummychuckle DUN DUN DUN DUN DUUUNNNNNN not much is new...went to Logans last ngiht to surprise him, but he wasn't so surprised...anyways lets not talk about that cus he doesnt like bein talked about... umm yeah. i slept all day cus i was up late last night...then my dads g/f woke me up and i was forced to go on my dads sailboat to this resturant thingee called schooners llanding. i ate. then went back home. where isaac was, with his friend Dre. that slut. hes the kinda guy that can pull off bein a slut tho. silly russian, jamie is a kid! i like intimidatingly hot guys. like ...i dunno how to describe it. the type that seem closer to being 'men' than 'boys'. oh well. lets not talk about that either. but then, what DO I talk about? ten days left. ten days and then i leave for hawaii. then 6 more days until school starts. i THINK. may i have a waffle? oh. thankyou. bye cute. 010721 ... yummychuckle hmm...ebay... well last night I did some heavy duty bidding. Actually, I wouldn't consider bidding on three lots of my little ponys heavy bidding. but then again, there was this ani difranco cd i bid on and a set of 32 punk cds.... but i have plenty of time for someone to come by and outbid me on stuff. I am winning the my little ponys--all of them. they were gonna be a surprise gift for erica...for being a good friend i suppose. She collects them. So shes gonna be getting six more in the mail pretty soon I guess. And I will hopefully be getting a whole fuckload of punk cds in the mail. but i dont want the ani cd much anymore...I dont feel like spending ten bucks on it. i couldv'e gone to dillons house today. dillons house. DILLON. you guys understand? the guy i was fucking obsessed with for five months...maybe more. But I said I didn't feel like it. and I'm home. And I'm happy. It would just be awkward, and really...I don't care so much anymore. i mean, I'm happy with my life...got a hot boyfriend...a bunch of new CDs waiting for me in Hawaii...awesome friends...purple hair...what more could I ask for? I got no problems. cept maybe what to wear tomorrow, lol. I'm enjoying this... everything is wonderful lalalalaaaa... love ya! jamie 010722 ... yummychuckle i was in Wills room last night. we were watching tv and playing nintendo. 010724 ... yummychuckle *sigh* :::sits on floor with various medicinal products spreadin front of her. sniffles. reaches for the thraot spray::: being sick bites. 010730 ... Dafremen Guess you shouldn't have spent so much around those intimidatingly hot guys. It's also common knowledge that the vast majority of intimidatingly hot guys double as incredibly efficient disease and infection carriers. (The more people want to be around you, the more effeciently diseases spread. If I was a germ...right on Leonardo DiCaprio's left cheek is where I'd be hangin out. Gettin action all day.) When it comes to the beautiful people I have only one comment: The beautiful ones......WHY? 010730 ... yummychuckle though I don't doubt that Andre carries many many diseases, I don't think I got one of his. Its from that cheating bastard, Logan. I stopped with the cheating crap after jason. and the jason thing was only the second time i ever saw Logan. anyways its not THAT terribly horrible that Logan cheated, seeing as I ddn't care much anyway. but still. two girls he said. of course, he could've been lying. which is funny because i already lied about cheating t get him mad. which worked. *sigh* this is to confusing and immature so lets all just fforget about it. cya oh wait, i'm not done bitching about how logan got me sick. stupid whore gave me whatever the fuck it is that i have... 010731 ... yummychuckle tomorrow i go to school. I am hoping for the best, but I expect the worst. When did 'pumpkin' become a term of endearment? Its a bit strange, don't you think? I prefer 'sweetie' or any variation of that word. well, my hair is purple for at least one more day, then its all over. and i geuss I'll go now. I'm going to play with my little sister, who is actually kinda cute now. 010805 ... yummyC my room, my physical one, is moving. or rather, I am moving. back to waikoloa (see: your_town). shhh I'm not telling anyone but Nick. Until after I move. then I'll just be like, yo I'm in waikoloa. and it will be crazy. because it will be. school is okay. I have NO classes with Erica (best friend that i had ALL my classes with last year). Its cool. i got sociology with some senior friends of mine. And I'm joining travel club, so I'll be skipping Maryland this summer. I'm goin to italy and france and somewhere else... and there was a rumor that travel club was thnking of going to egypt for spring break. cool, if it happens. heres to another year of highschool. 010809 ... yummychuckle never veiwed page. 'still countin the days since you left me...1 2 3 4!' so very stuck in my head. oh oh ouch my teeth. damn this torture device! braces can go to hell. ok, no...the pain can go to hell. I mean, that IS where it belongs. 2 classes with erica, 1 class with that new kid i befriended (micah), 1 class with tyson, and i dont care enough to blab about the rest. somewhat settled into my new home. soon this wont be so new and I'll be bored and I will dread coming home again. 1.once you get home things will be great. look forward to it and be happy 2.you will be able to relax eventually 3. the goal is to feel better, and to attain these better feelings you want to get home because there is something there that comforts you. but at the moment nothing is wrong except that you aren't home. so why be so upset? why yell at me? try to think about bein happy, and you will be happy. ou situation is temporary. look ahead, be happy...nothing is wrong, everything is wonderful... SO WHAT is the traffic is a bit slow? We live in Hawaii, there are no big highways. no traffic jams. jesus fucking christ... well thats enough ranting about that...I did the moodswing test on the zax but neither responded. HOWEVER, Zack Maze seemed a bit more upset and kept turning to face me and following me but maybe was too shy to talk. Zach dant continued to act happy, but i know he noticed how i was acting. He was unsure how to comfort me, thinking it was his fault I was sad. so he pretended to not notice. BUT if I ever brong it up, he will mention that he noticed and expect it to be a surprise to me because i thought he wasnt paying attention. Then I will be cheered up and distracted from whatever i was mad about, because Zach pays more attention than I thought. well i cant finis this thought thanks to mother dearest... c ya'll. write if u noticed i was breathing 010824 ... yummychuckle oh-oh-oh i was so right about the zach thing. llalaala made out with nick lalalala wasn't fun. at all. his kisses are violent. does nature or society play a bigger role? society as a result of various natures. 010826 ... black-dyed gel product yummy, clean your room! The Kudos wrappers are attracting ants. And now back to your regularly scheduled program... 010826 ... Persona oO0 is STILL sitting on your couch drinking coffee 0Oo 010826 ... yummychuckle that coffee is pretty old, persona. unless you walked down the street to starbucks. and black-dyed, those are your wrappers, i hate kudos bars. My mess is neatly piled under the bed and couch. dirty socks, and gummy bears. 010827 ... baby satan :::attempts to conceal himself beneath yummy's bed::: 010827 ... zebra ::drenches the furniture with vineahol:: 010827 ... yummychuckle ::curls up in the corner and cries. for being so useless, hopeless, helpless, and grieving for the innocent that die everyday, not to mention the people at the world trade center:: 010911 ... yummychuckle i just need to read this page but the computer won't let it load. I'm surrounded by noise and smiles and thoughts. I'm at school... where is my boyfriend? and why do i feel so weird calling himi that? and why do I feel unwanted everywhere, including here...? 010925 ... ? because you're idiotic 010926 ... yummychuckle pssst... my bird is being sweet. zack zack to dump or not to dump. why would i? oh well....s hows everybody's lives going? open mic night in my room. 010927 ... c my lord, u are one iritating little brat. 010928 ... distorted tendencies -stumbles in ass naked and collapses on yummyc's couch.- 010929 ... yummyC bobby says he could tell i wasnt in the mood, by my voice. bobby is so cute. 011012 ... kingsuperspecial bean! bean! bean! gimmie! punk... 011012 ... yummychuckle you shall have your bean in a week or less. probably less. my bird says hi. wiiiishes stay forever come true every once in a while but they are always late. guys i wish for are years late. money i wish for usually comes in time, though. i have been eating a lot of grapes a lot of everything is pouring into my hands and it makes me gag and it makes me happy and it makes me thin and it makes everything wrong so wrong so right. 011014 ... yummyC something something something no one feels the same saturday is all a game blah blah blah blah blah blah that song "what if I" by pennywise is gunna be dedicated to me when travis sings it. i wonder why he chose that song? i never eally thought about it, but its um...nice. derick, i am already sick of him! its been a week today. im bored bored bored boreom makes me crazy and self destructive. god i need something to do or somewhere to go. I'm afraid I might die here. not so afraid as I am hopeful. why do you always have to add on something negative when you talk about me? *even though you ARE a dipshit* fuck you. hgvsjncnfdvc mimsofuckingfatjskhudbvkygflih idsghatemmehudgbwgdjzjg,juvb angerangeranger love, jamie 011103 ... psychobabe i wanna join in yummys room : ) I wanna have fun to 011103 ... whoknows *pushes a naked distorted tendencies of the couch and joins persona for a cup of coffee* 011104 ... whoknows hi y'all 011104 ... sheryl hi yummy I need to get away how about an invite? 011104 ... yummychuckle hi, thanks for stopping by. Make yourself comfy. Derick is at my *real* house. hes my current b/f. too empty headed and 2 dimensional for me. he just disappeared. dammit hes like a puppy running around the house, knocking things over. He asks too many questions. alright, enough whining. no, not enough. I've been trying to fight my urge to email or call a particular someone (a). what is my infatuation with him??? sheryl, sheryl, sheryl. You've met me. help. I'm all fixated on him. i want to like him but i dont want to. i dont know which i should aim for and i dont know if i can just NOT care. anywho im done now and derick was just dumped. bye (y) 011104 ... yummyC its not like you to say sorry blah blah blah i wanna hear that song... pastel clouds of feeling paste me to the liquor heartache and kiss my hidden happiness. ihad fun last night. im still kinda out of it. im going to go. love me p.s. distorted, can u pass me the remote? 011118 ... ronela I can think of a certain song I'd like to dedicate to yummy. maybe you know it, its by cake...its called shut the fuck up. 011118 ... yummyC dude. die. and dont bother going to my page (obviously its mine) if you know you wont like what im gunna say. what a waste of time to even type this. whew. so in other news... this dude looks like jesus. hes cool. lalala random dumb things gays are fags and they are bad discrimination rocks you all suck and im better guys are all pigs i hate everyone i want to destroy everything lalalala our world is so fair and cool i like sitting on my ass and hating things i dont understand i am afraid of change and different things. i yell loud false accusations at others to make me feel good. roar. we should fucking bomb every innocent person in afghanistan. they fucking suck! i refuse to have an open mind. 011120 ... Norm You are so cool. Your less hot in your new picture though. 011120 ... florescent light hey Jamie it must be a Libra thing (s) 011121 ... florescent light we're always after the same guys, you and I. did you know I met Aaron? he mentioned you, and I said to myself haha Jamie's going to be soo jealous. I'll talk to you about THAT later 011121 ... yummyC I've come to the conclusion that anything worth fighting for will be taken away from you almost immediately after you finally win it. so makes me wonder what the point is. sell magazines on your street corners and get pissed off at those bored kids who read an article and dont buy it, swat at them with your empty threats because you're so lost that you dont even realize in the scheme of things it wont matter but you have to hold your life together some way, and its better to bitch at some kid than to open your eyes and be afraid of all this reality and the hell we live in so keep getting stressed over the little things cus it'll be ok if you do, you can be thankful for the little things only when you're alone. 011124 ... yummyC dude. you met him? cute. I didn't, nor would I care to so much as I used to want to or whatever. Im over this whole thing. dude. marcus is talking to me on msn. hes sooo dreamy! *i'm out* hey norm, baybee. email me. 011124 ... roomite i can't believe i just spent the time to read through most of yummy's diary. what is it that compels us to want to know the innermost thoughts of strangers? voyeurism? to those who have added negative comments, i can only ask - what purpose is served in that? 011124 ... Norm sorry I don't use email 011124 ... layla the purpose was to get it out of my head. just typing my thoughts. 011125 ... yummychuckle dude. you check back here? what the fuck? Why do u read something so often that you hate? weirdo. 011126 ... yummyC *~70s porno music~* chicka chicka bow wow.... so dudes. random rhetoric rhapsodys and rumors, ruminations, rambling, rants, and ravings. can get a new stomach, cus mine just jumped out of my mouth trying to escape the insanity of the white tiled floors, plastics, linens, the iron-on transfers of yinyangs and cool things from the nineties. i have my memories and scraps of paper labeled as my life and categorized, sorted, organized into pockets and pages and folders forgotten forgotten forgotten. Ive been left in the dust the sway of music at my fingertips. scarred fingertips brittle teeth worth so much, all wasted. braces and structures and conformities to the social norms. wanna look pretty for my new boyfriend. wanna look pretty, wanna wear pink, wanna cook and clean and stay home. take care of the kids while daddy's away. wear skirts be a good little girl supress my everything forget i exist. serve serve serve the servants. give to the poor feed the rich eat the messages they feed to me i always throw it back up anyway. rebel in my self destructive way! hooray for life. 011217 ... the Queen of Hearts Its not rebelllion darling; we all went through it. But not all of us put it up where the world could read it. 011217 ... yummychuckle yes but you are not the world, darling, and the world does not have enough time to read my posts. 011218 ... yummychuckle home to drivel mainly about myself, my angst, my pathetic silly existence. good enough for him, good enough for her, better than them, worse than him, worse than her, not worth my time. not worth my own time. hair is sick. I need to take my hair to the hair doctor. it's deathly ill. getting fucked but not really. it stopped, anger is better than sadness (aww I'm so sad they are dating) vs !!!fuck you for neglecting me all this time, fuck you for being fake! I'm not taking this shit!!! which is better. to be walked on. to stand up and push them off. to stand alone to sit alone to lie alone. lie lie lie. FUCK YOU! 020102 ... yummychuckle on a paper I found in my backpack. all was writtenby me, many with different angles. only one word ritten by someone else: "nothin" ONCE UPON A TIME. fuck you. so anyway I saw that movie you wanted me to watch. I hated it. That girl was so stupid! i mean seriously. But it was rush because i watched it with whatshisface. so whats new? nothin. not him. when you suppress a memory it fades and the frag ments fall thru cracks. PISSES ME OFF! I'm like what the fuck? it was really rush. FINE BY ME!!! messy messy messy messy irony? no haha. frogs are tasty as long as they aren't frogs. and other such irony. Look! i'm a cellphone! BEEWEEPP cell-fucking-phone. Penguin awareness day is the twenty-first of january. will you care to listen to the dialtone? or will you just not notice at all that I was ever on the line? FUCK YOU AND YOUR BASS AND YOUR MUSIC AND YOUR SCHOOL AND YOUR INSECURITY AND YUR PENGUIN SHRINE AND YOUR SKATEBOARD AND YOUR NEW IMPROVED b e s t f r i e n d that doesnt know you are his. lines. ok, thoughts?here. I cant beleive this. how fucking stupid! you know if youw ant me to be a goody-fucking-two shoes and all perfect, its not going to happen. why can't i be the one that reconsiders being YOUR friend? I don't think its fair that my loyalty is going to waste. everytime. goddamn, sowhat--i cant have flaws and friends at the same time? I'd choose my flaws over you anyday anyway. I'm sorry you hate me so fucking much.kiss my ass. actually, fuck being sorry. I'm sick of apologizing for being me. At least I CAN be me! You can't seem to decide anything. I hate being the victim of somebody elses indecision. Get it straight already. racist homophobic poison hate death victory defeat words labels perceptions lies fabrications enigmatic thought boxes poser pretend bitter love hate balance gray boring shades degrees bits rejection. fuck you AND your cat! I ate your shoelace. sorry. ZAPISTTTAAAA!!! hey patience--where are you? You didn't leave a note. Its too comfortable to be happy under such drenching questions of certainty? eat my fucking dust hit lerrrr. growly tiger noise. I'm engaged. to the idea of security. Our handfasting will be in may. more ock-oh. morrocco mower ock-ohw happy flower things in her hair. whats so romantic about bugs and pollen? makes me wonder makes me think. tough love--thats bullshit. swallow my false memories. i didnt finish erasing them. el bed? sssnightmare? so what? COWER IN THE PRESENCE OF PENGIUIN CLAM BOY!!! 020117 ... silentbob where i wish i could wake up every morning 020118 ... yummyC you so silly. I don't know...i just don't know. i'm the jealous type, bobby...don't think I'm good at dealing with your other blather_lovers. 020119 ... Logan Hey Jam... oh I mean "yummiechuckles" hows life treating ya? well you have many interesting posts on this page... so you comming to easton this summer? I think I remember you saying something about going to france or some such thing. oh I wanna set the record straight, that stuff about me cheating... it was a lie, just like you lied, I thought it would make me feel better or something, guess not... well e mail me sometime girl, (dumb address I know) burnout_69@budsmoker.com, I may just e mail you the rest of my thoughts cause theres alot of them... peace :) 020213 ... yummychuckle aka Jamie aka pushpins oh wow. Logan~ if you don't get my email (i tried emailing u a few times in the past but they always said "unable to send" or something crazy like that), i really hope you read this... Um. huh. well its funny, I had no problem spewing personal thoughts at blather before but now I can't. I'm going to try to call you tomorrow or sometime soon. I hope you don't mind. Theres just some crap i need to say. my email address is yummychuckle@hotmail.com if YOU want to email me. Maybe you have tried to before and it didnt go through, but I doubt that. oh well. anyway...IF, in the extremely unlikely case, you want to call me, my number is 1 808 883 1094. i dont mind ppl on here seeing that. If they call, which they won't, i won't mind...hm. i kinda miss you. 020213 ... Logan("yummys") hey wuz up again? I took my second piss test today... I dont like people watching me piss... its dumb. so... end of may Eh? (its the canadian in me) definatly cool, just thought I'd write something. I cant wait till you come back, it aught to be interesting at the least. well... oh guess who's in my geometry class... Dillon... I told him you called me, he didint say much excpt "she's dumb" But I said you wern't, so its all good or something. but ya im just rambling on so I'll stop now, catch ya lata. 020227 ... yummyC oh yeah another one of those things. i love when people do that. *ahem* nikkole: "one of my brothers friends was all like oh my god! derick dated Zoe, and wouldn't date kelly? but I told him he was stupid and zoe is pretty. plus my brother likes you anyway." (by the way, kelly is this totally awful looking/smelling girl with an equally messed up personality. the epidome of nasty. she also had a crush on derick) Eve: "oh...well erica told me that it grosses her out so much to think of you and zack together, but I told her that that was mean and that you were with him before she was." ...wow...thanks you guys. I totally needed to know about those mean things other people say about me that are actually quite unnecessary except to make you look better because, in your words, you defended me. right? riiight. yeah. its like hm, i was smiling before you said that, and now you've just given me justification to be upset. grr roar. lets see, more things to talk about... i don't like liars. i really really don't like liars. even if its a lie to impress me, I don't enjoy it. And if things aren't as *someone* said they were, and instead I find stupid excuses...I might be a bit upset. because lying is not a turn on. (by the way, that didnt have anything to do with stuff above). what else... cheaters. cheaters piss me off. isnt that ironic! nimai nimai nimai cant cant cant.....i cant cant cant allow him to cheat on her with me. karma karma karma. aaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhh. 020323 ... Toxic_Kisses Erica’s opinion shouldn’t matter to you any ways, after all why should you care what -she- of all ppl thinks? Anyhow take heart Gurrrlie, karma or not you’re strong enough to ward off the affections of a cheater (witch you your self admitted to be a quality you hate in others) 020323 ... yummychuckl ---thanks for the advice--- Nimai is gone. I told him i never wanted to speak to him again, so don't call. and nothing more will happen. logan has a girlfriend. but he says he might dump her soon. which is good for me, but I want him to be happy (beleive it or not) so if the break up makes him sad... :( of course its his decision and all and it doesnt have anything to do with me, but still. i dont know. This overwhelming fear of getting to maryland and then having people (namely logan) take one look at me and say "oh. nevermind." yeah. 020411 ... yummychuckle god I fucking hate some people on here. ok not really. fuck why do i have to water down everything i say?!?!? HUH!??! WHAT THE FUCK?! ITS LIKE EVERYTHING IS SUFFOCATING ME PULLING ME FROM THIS WORLD I AM GOING TO GET SUCKED AWAY AND NOBODY WILL EVER SEE ME AGAIN. good idea. (goodbye blather. I'm leaving.) 020429 ... blown cherry no, wait! please.... email me at least? 020430 ... good grief stop yelling and fucking leave already 020430 ... Dafremen This is typical of an American soap opera. See, in other countries, the damned things actually end. 020504 ... yummychuckle p:why not wear real suspenders? j:because fake is 'in' this season. duh. 020613 what's it to you? who go blather from