ask_mr_bad_advice mr. bad advice (oh no! not another "ask____" column, i hear you gasp.) this one is different. i got bad advice for anyone with a question. 010112 ... twiggie i have a sore throat, bad cough, and a high fever. i'm also getting little blue spots on my hands. i think i'm sick. what do you think i have and how can i cure it? oh and how in the hell can i beat the barbie ocean discovery game? it's so HARD! 010112 ... mr bad advice hi twiggie. you probably have anthrax, so you should shave all the hair off your body, put it into an envelope, and mail it to someone who lives near you. then you should pee all over yourself every day for a year. join the local rotary club. go to a tupperware party with dog doo smeared on your forehead. this should cure you. you can win your game by setting yourself on fire. have a wonderful day! -mr. bad advice 010112 ... twiggie ok so i have another question. (but you have to read the long story first). one time when i was like 6 or 7, me and my cousins saw a bee up at their cabin. we were afraid, and all of a sudden i got this brilliant idea. lets run into the camper! so we did, all the way to the back of it into the shower. but then i decided that it wasn't a good enough hiding place from the bee...even though we were inside and it was outside. so i had an even more brilliant idea: Let's go into the closet! So we all crammed in the closet and shut the door. After about 5 minutes we decided it was safe, so we tried to opened the door. ...It didn't open from the inside. We were stuck in there for about an hour before my mom and aunt found us. was this the right way to handle the bee situation? if not what else should we have done? 010112 ... mr. good advice twiggie- that was pretty good planning, if i don't say so myself. you know now, of course, that you should have stayed in the closet for at least two months. next time you see a bee, be sure to put it in your mouth as soon as possible. use bees for stuffing in all your pillows. put them in your clothes before you go to work each day. tally-ho! 010112 ... silentbob mr bad advice if i am alone and want girls to like me what do i do 010112 ... mr. bad advice oh, silentbob, silentbob, silentbob! women like to see a man manipulating his genitals as soon as possible. next chick (and DO call them that) you see, whip it out and start strokin' asap!!! then tell her you have bad credit and scabies (gets their sympathy every time). 010112 ... MollyCule dear mr. bad advice - what do i do if i'm one of the few chicks not turned on by scabies? 010113 ... mr. bad advice molly- you are a rare case indeed! there is obviously something seriously wrong with you mentally. you need to eat as many as three or four live beavers an hour to set yourself right again. that and about 1500 push-ups a day should do the trick! cheerio, miss cule 010113 ... mr. bad advice anyone else? 010518 ... super econo pack satan will my little brother Jesus ever play the piano again? 010519 ... mr. bad dice only if you start selling amway in palestine. 010520 ... mr. bad dice my dice are fucked up! 010520 ... Sol dear mr bad advice for some time now i have been worried by the state of my elephants, they seem to be developing ostriches all over their epidermis. While it does attract more ruler salesmen, who are most tasy when deep fried in teriake sauce, it does leave the fields somewhat trampled. What should i do? 010521 ... mr. bad advice are you in cleveland ohio??? if not, pack up and go there a.s.a.p.!!! it is the only true place of beauty left on this planet. elephants are welcomed in cleveland, especially within the city limits. it is a paradise unlike no other, where clear elephant complexions AND ruler salesmen abound! p.s. vote for bush! 010521 ... Sol no I cannot go into Ohio, unfortunately, although i may send my elephants there on a short break, I was outlawed there after knocking over a bank (It was an accident though, the brakes on the juggernaught were not working) I am now living in frightful exile on the island country of England, far over the sea. (better place to be anyway) 010527 ... ditto hi, what is rape? I mean how can you classify it? torment, disrespect, do they come close to the word? if not then I was nearly raped many times. So can you help me, I mean, how can you trust anyone? the answer is you can't isn't it. That's a real shame. 010527 ... mr. bad advice sol- you are right. england is great, everyone should go there now! 010527 ... mr bad advice you can trust me. rape is a kind of music popular with people of african descent, and pimply white teenage boys. there is a fixed rhythm, and spoken vocals. move to england! 010527 ... rodger my x-girlfriend is now dating my mom how can i win back their love? 010527 ... mr. bad advice rodger- women like to see a man manipulating his genitals as soon as possible. next chick (and DO call them that) you see, whip it out and start strokin' asap!!! then tell her you have bad credit and scabies (gets their sympathy every time). 010527 ... Sol This seems to be universal advice, how extremely innivotive, I am sure i heard it somewhere very similar to this. 010529 ... mr. bad advice i thought it would be a good idea to repeat this advice for you. i hope it solves your "family problems". 010530 ... stinky tree laughing I got a question for you. Two, actually: 1) Hypothetically shitting, there's this guy. And there's this girl. And this guy notices that this girl seems to be staring at him but, as soon as he looks at her, she ain't looking at him any more. So...IS she looking at him? If not, what is she looking at? If yes, what does it mean? 2) Can lice be used as a device to heighten one's sexual pleasure? 010608 ... mr. bad advice stinky tree- isn't hypothetical a kind of syringe? yes, i think it is. heroin can be used with a syringe. so can lice. lice are sexy. chicks dig lice. it gets them wet right away. when they find out about the lice, they want to groom you like an ape. go shoot up and get some lice. shalom! 010711 ... Sol (in school) I have recently found that i have a penchant for swallowing stereos, should i exploit this and travel to lower mesopotamia to make some money from this, perhaps working for bananas? 010712 ... mr. bad advice you are brilliant my boy! be sure to contract lice and scabies and herpes and leprosy before you go, so you will fit it! keep on swallowin'! 010712 ... stinky tree laughing Thanks, man. You saved my ass (and my balls). I got another question: How do I give myself a blowjob? 010712 ... god in mexico two words: spinal reduction surgery! i know this doctor on the shady side of cancun... 010712 ... mr bad advice hey, i'm workin' this side of the street! 010712 ... mr bad advice you forgot to tell him to sleep in a bathtub full of ice cream! 010712 ... god in mexico my bad 010712 ... psychobabe well mr. bad advice your advice seems to be good and works. I need it, i have a thing for my guy friend and want him to notice me, what should i do??? 010830 ... mr. bad advice steal his credit cards! let him know you're serious about him! 010830 ... Norm So, um, this one time I forced a cow to drink alot of vodka and after a while it was like "dude, I gotta get back to the barn" but with a slur, you know? I was like "dude you can't go home the farmer will beat you down" Then he tried to get in his car and drive home and I was like "Fuck!" and I grabed his keys and took off with his car. Later, I went back to the tree house we had been drinking in and there was the cow very skinny, like a 12 year old anorexic, and dead. Now I'm in alot of trouble cause the farmer's charging me with murder. What should I do? Also I'm considering starting a cult and I was wondering how I should go about it. 010830 ... Norm So, um, this one time I forced a cow to drink alot of vodka and after a while it was like "dude, I gotta get back to the barn" but with a slur, you know? I was like "dude you can't go home the farmer will beat you down" Then he tried to get in his car and drive home and I was like "Fuck!" and I grabed his keys and took off with his car. Later, I went back to the tree house we had been drinking in and there was the cow very skinny, like a 12 year old anorexic, and dead. Now I'm in alot of trouble cause the farmer's charging me with murder. What should I do? Also I'm considering starting a cult and I was wondering how I should go about it. 010830 ... . . 010830 ... mr bad advice First, publish your story. Make sure it gets into oprah's book club. Then, commit suicide. The cult will follow, and you won't have to deal with the charges. 010831 ... psychobabe after i steal his credit cards, what should i do then? come on mr bad advice i'm in a slump here!!!! heeeeeelp! 010831 ... mr. bad advice offer free sexual favors to the guys hanging around down by the docks. your prospective beau will admire your generosity and hold you in high esteem. be sure to max out those credit cards! 010831 ... Norm The advice you gave me worked well, except the suicide thing. I'm not down with that. Is there another option? 010901 ... mr bad advice no suicide? hmmmmm..... you should cut off both arms and one leg then try walking a tightwire across the grand canyon. after that, invest all your money in the ku klux klan. 010901 ... psychobabe oOhh my god my bad advice! your advice worked like gold!!!! i not only have my man now who is my undevided sex slave, but now i also have many upon many items here from the maxed out credit cards! its paradise! how can i ever repay you????? 010901 ... mr bad advice can i sleep on yer couch for a couple years? and have sex with you three times a day? 010901 ... psychobabe heh, go for it 010902 ... mr bad advice great! we'll be right over! 010902 ... psychobabe we'll? ah you mean theres more than one! heh i guess that works 010903 ... mr. bad advice i travel with a large entourage of retarded nuns. 010904 ... namae Hey, Mr. Bad Advice, where can I get some good advice? 010904 ... Photophobe Hey Mr bad advice. I have this major assignment which I have to do well in or fail the whole subject(again). I screwed the assignment up last year, becausde I went with a dumb Idea. The assignment is to be submitted as 50 pages, 150mm x 150mm each, on the theme of a square. Text is allowed, but only by way of caption. Last year I got quite drunk, and decided to do a western - style story in crayons, and my lecturer yelled at me. What should I do; I'm fresh out of ideas. 010904 ... mr. good advice good advice? ask mr. good advice 010906 ... psychobabe well mr bad advice i see not many people have been writeing to you lately :s i'm sorry whats going on with you bud? 011008 ... boerg47 dear mr. sorry sack of shit! i apologize that my column isn't as popular as your asshole is at the local gay bar. however, if your cum-ridden, anal-lickin', semi-pouting orb would shut up for one macrosecond, to use one friggin' neuron, ask a fucking question. this is an advice column, you moron!!! 011008 ... mister mourning ooh, well we know whose cheerios got pissed in this morning, now don't we? 011009 ... mr bad advice everybody listen to boerg47! he seems like a well-meaning level-headed individual to me! 011009 ... mr bad advice i feel that i'm really helping so many. i'm almost ready for a call-in radio show! 011225 ... mr bad advice uhhh..... where'd i leave off? photophobe- for your assignment, do a report on "on the road", by kerouac, but (this is the genius part). don't read it! that'll knock their socks off! 011225 ... mr bad advice psychobabe- i'm doing well. it's x-mas and i'm blathing. 011225 ... mr bad advice boerg47- i admire your insight and sensitivity, but do you have a question? 011225 ... mr bad advice mister mourning- yes we do, it was my piss, my cheerios! 011225 ... daxle what's the best way to get a wifebeater out of your oil paint and hair dye? 011225 ... oren Dear Mr. Bad Advice, I'm looking for a change in careers. Any suggestions? I'm leaning toward becoming an accountant. Please advise! 011226 ... mr bad advice daxle- welcome back. it was the smart thing to do, continue blathering! well, if there's one thing that can drive a wifebeater out of my oil paint and hair dye, it's by buying stock in enron. it's strictly on the down-low, so don't leak this info to the unwashed masses. oren- is yer name jon? if it is, then your career of choice would be, of course, ............. lion tamer!! if it isn't, or if you decide to change it later, i could only go with assistant crack-whore. 011226 ... oren Yes, it is Jon. Know where I can buy a good whip and chair? 011226 ... psychobabe way to be mr. bad advice :) keep kickin ass 011226 ... pralines&cream Dear Mr. Bad Advice, I know that my boyfriend loves me and would do anything for me, but for some reason, I always seem to be jealous and angry when he goes off with friends. What should i do? Also, I am currently sick. Do you have any advice on how to not be sick? 011227 ... kerry dear mr. bad advice, my boyfriend recently broke up with me and is now dating someone new. this makes me furious... any ideas for how i could get back at him? 011228 ... mr. bad advice oren- wal-mart has the best selection of whips. for chairs, check the local sewage-treatment plant. 020219 ... mr bad advice psychobabe- thanx alot. i thrive on compliments 020219 ... little wonder dearest mr. bad advice, what is the easiest way to overcome my immense hatred for skiing? 020219 ... blown cherry Dearest baddy, got any suggestoins for how to fall out of love? 020219 ... Mateo look at I_enjoy_your_anger and tell me what to do. 020219 ... phil mr bad advice I told my grandma I'm still going to be a nurse, when in actuality I'm just giving blowjobs to the head football coach at my old highschool. 020219 ... Toxic_Kisses Dear Mr. Bad Advice, I feel empty. I've tried everything to rid me of this feeling, meaningless sex, watching PBS, pretending to be a ringtail, spearing relish all over myself and excessive exercise, so far none of this has rid me of this empty feeling inside, do you have a cure? 020219 ... mr bad advice pralines&cream- don't be jealous. whenever he goes out with friends, come over to my mom's house and we'll have hours of tantric sex (all 3 of us!). this will cure your jealousy as well as your illness. 020220 ... mr. bad advice kerry- see directly above 020220 ... mr. bad advice little wonder- you SHOULD hate skiing. skiing is a filthy habit enjoyed by thugs and child pornographers. keep up the good work!! blown cherry- send god more noises. he loves your accent and will promise to make your heart like a cold stone if you say "rabbits were made for skydiving". eat more lupins! 020220 ... coach bad advice mateo- sounds like YOU should be giving advice. if anyone here has their head on straight, hon, izz gotta be youse! keep those flags of discontent flying! phil- see directly above. (where do you live?) 020220 ... mr bad advice toxic kisses- you are surely on the right track, but you need an expensive habit. go to your local nun gear supply outlet and put a down payment on the priciest habit they got. work for the habit till you pay it off, then wear it around the nearest convent. when the nuns come out to admire your expensive habit, come on to them. nothing is hotter than two nuns going at it! make me proud! 020220 ... little wonder so mr bad advice... if i should hate skiing what am i supposed to do next week? i have to go to canada for 7 whole days on a family vacation and they're making me ski. 020220 ... trapped in la la land so im trapped in hell with a bunch of morons who mutter one syallabal words and im a victim of good advice. please help. 020220 ... mr bad advice little wonder-every morning before the trip, strip naked, cover youself in anbesol, jump into bed with your parents and exclaim, "i want some trash bags!" 020220 ... carne de metal should I go and live in spain? 020220 ... mr bad advice trapped- slung feces and chess to the death are in order here! be sure to light yourself on fire also! 020220 ... carne de metal should I do the opposite you say? 020220 ... mr bad advice carne- no! spain is a desolate backwards wasteland full of hideous monsters and jehovah's witnesses. move to cleveland instead. 020220 ... mr bad advice carne-you should follow all the instructions on this page 020220 ... carne mental madness de metal What will you answer if I ask if you are telling the truth? 020222 ... mr bad advice it would be a really good idea to listen to everything i have to say 020222 ... Mateo Mr bad advice, should I put my penis in the blender with some carrots and a little lemon juice? 020222 ... Mateo Mr bad advice, should I call you birdmad, "the man of the thousand masks"? 020222 ... mr bad advice put that penis anywhere that there's blades! always good for a larf. it would be a really good idea to call me birdmad. 020222 ... Mateo Mr bad birdmad, could you describe a perfect day with easy to follow steps? Im having trouble thinking what to do with myself and I heard you enjoy using your expertice to help others. 020223 ... mr bad advice birdmad? wanna take this one? someone get birdmad. 020224 ... god posing as birdmad a perfect day? pussy and drugs! end of story. 020224 ... blueberry Dear Mr. Bad Advice What do you do with someone who is obviously upset, and admits it, but won't say what it is? What if she is trying to but says that it is too hard to talk? 020224 ... Mateo Mr. Bad Advice, Are pregnant women trying to take over the world? If so what should I do? 020225 ... Mateo Mr. Bad Advice, Are pregnant women trying to take over the world? If so what should I do? 020225 ... Mateo sory about that. 020225 ... mr bad advice blueberry- get in that person's face and grill them about it mercilessly for the rest of your life. mateo- no, but they should! 020225 ... daxle what should I do now that I slept through my class that was from 12-2 and didn't even think about attempting the lab report that was due today? 020226 ... blueberry Thank you Mr. Bad Advice. I'd try it but I'd think people would look at me strangely for talking to myself. Out loud, that is. 020227 ... mr bad advice daxle- you should eat more lupins. have lupins for every meal. put lupins in every orifice, and devote every waking thought to lupins. blueberry.- talking to yourself is rule #1 for maintaining mental health. talk to yourself constantly! 020228 ... lady lunchbox my boyfriend has been extremely gassy these last few days. also, my second toe, next to the big one, is longer than the big toe. what should i do about all this? 020302 ... mr bad advice move to the open prairie. then change your name to cladia steambolt jr. try breathing through an old scarf for an entire year. 020302 ... pralines&cream what should I do about my low self-esteem problem? Should i become anorexic as I've been planning? 020303 ... carne de metal dear Mr Bad advice. I have been recently thinking of turning to extorsion as a way of living. I figured that if I do it right, I might be able to raise a few bucks and then spend it all at once in something like a breast opperation, for I have no breasts. Oh, what should I do? 020303 ... mr. bad advice p&c- join the peace corps! go to cambodia and set up a stall and sell some flyswatters! carne- any relation to kim carnes? ha ha. you should be a proofreader for a major publishing company. you will have to send me a picture of your breasts before i can come to a conclusive decision regarding any breast augmentation procedures. 020303 ... Mateo Shold I go on telling people Im a little corean girl, even when they can see Im not? 020303 ... mr bad advice mateo- can you sing like a ko-reeunn? you like chick corea? how bout, "i've left my cornea in corea"? "http://www.interedu.go.kr/ 020303 ... lady lunchbox (aka mrs. steambolt) thanks for the wonderful advice, mr. bad advice!! but i have another query: a strange black hair keeps reappearing on my chin. i've plucked it out at least 5 times over the last half year, and it always grows back. how can i rid myself of this little devil for good? also, where can i find some damn good mac and cheese? thanks, lady...... er.... cladia steambolt jr. 020323 ... mr bad advice ms. steambolt- let that hair grow! give it a perm after you dye it neon orange! chin hair is all the rage in paris and milan! you will be the height of teen fashion well before your peers! the best mac and cheese comes from the dumpster behind the homeless shelter, it's true! marry me! 020323 ... mr bad advice only if you get skinned alive beforehand! edie ciao baby 020405 ... phil Dear Mr. Bad Advice I've been recently having these dreams, they are really strange, they feel so important. When I wake up I can never forget about them, a few of them have come true. Like the encoded signal marking the destruction of a buddhist monument, and a few murders. In the most recent dream I had, I was a memeber of a drug cartel, it was scary and violent, but at the end of the dream I witnessed "the bomb" being dropped from a plane. I can remember details about the plane, and probably recognize where I was at the time. There was a bomb shelter nearby, and a pond, and the time of day. What should I do? 020405 ... lady lunchbox thanks, mr bad advice! i'm letting my chin hair grow til it reaches my knees, and then i'm going to perm it and dye it neon orange just for you! please, if you wish for me to marry you, please see my blather_husband page and get back to me. one more question: my roommate is a lazy selfish no-chinned whore-bitch. what should i do about this? thanks again, ms. cladia steambolt jr. 020405 ... mr bad advice phil- ya know, man... dreams CAN come true! what's life for, if it ain't for living? go for it. try to realize your dreams. you'll never be happy unless you try. claudia- i'm gladyou are taking charge of your life! feels good, doesn't it? send me a wav file of you talking, and i will consider it. 020405 ... mr bad advice oh, and your roommate? become her sex slave whether she wants it or not! 020405 ... lady lunchbox mr. bad advice, my roommate was unresponsive to the whole sex slave thing. perhaps i should try tattooing the word "twat" on her forehead?? yes, that will work nicely. i will send a .wav file of me talking. where should i send this file? and what should i say? new question: how can i break 100 in bowling class on monday?? thanks, ms. cladia steambolt jr. aka, the future mrs. bad advice 020405 ... mr bad advice claudia- twat on the forehead would be a great start. the best warmup for bowling is 3 shots of pure grain and about 15 mini-thins. you should be able to click on my name to get my e-mail address. if you could, say something about rabbits or midgets, or both. thanx! 020406 ... phil Thank you! mr bad advice, you were right I should never stop pushing. Sadly though this story has a darker side. It seems my dream fell to late, it has already been done! (shock) I must have just been psychicly dreaming about the past, not the future, how sad. 020406 ... mr bad advice have you ever made love to a vacuum cleaner? 020406 ... phil the vacum cleaner never asked me to make love to it. 020407 ... mr bad advice i'm asking you, would you plook a vacuum cleaner? i think it'd be a step in the right direction. 020407 ... sad little boy mr bad advice i have bad luck with girls they all want to have sex with me and lick me all over and tell me im so hot and im so sweet and i dont know what to do i also never use any punctuation at all because i am stupid but not really i only pretend anyway i dont know how to get girls im always alone and i think i should turn gay or something because no one wants me what do you think i should do? 020407 ... mr bad advice son, it's either time to join the peace corps, or jump off of zee top of zee statue of liberty. it's time to get into something real. you need something to get up and go to school with! where ya been a livin', reseda? no, san jose. hey, hey hey it's fat albert einstein. but i digress. you should find a nice girl, get a job, and settle down and raise you up some young'uns to be just like you when you grow up. 020407 ... Daria Dear Mr. Bad advice, I have these two large lumps on my chest and they've been there since I was thirteen. They have little pinkish brown pointy things on the end. What are they, are they dangerous and how do I get rid of them? 020408 ... mr bad advice you are obviously seriously deformed. i'm afraid this is outside my area of expertise. it sounds like a very dangerous affliction, but which affliction, i can't say. the responsible thing to do would be to join a leper colony, get out of the public eye, and do some research. check the yellow pages. excelsior! 020409 ... Daria My doctor said I had 'breasts' , but he didn't tell me the symtoms. Have you heard of this disease? 020409 ... imbo Wut if british penguins were pink?? are we all gonna die??? 020409 ... Daria thank you mr. bad advice. i went to the leper colony and slowly but surely the large lumps fell off. But sadly, so did my hands. What do I do now? 020410 ... mr bad advice hands are like tumors upon beautiful stubs! rejoice and wave those durable stubs to the welcoming sky! 020410 ... look - no hands! titus_andronicus_rocks_my_world 020411 ... mr b.a. word 020411 ... Softly spoken arm_counting_machine 020411 ... Jenna Dear mr. bad advice, I have been slacking off a lot this semester, skipping a lot of classes and never ever studying. I am now in quite a bit of trouble academically. Is it time for me to buckle down? 020412 ... mr. bad advice now's the time for a glamorous cocaine and vodka habit! 020412 ... Love your ever willing groupie My dear, sweet Mr Bad Advice, who do you think is going to win the blatherduel b/w photop and Softly spoken? I have 20 persian kittens to put down on it and I would like very much to make a killing on this investment. (I have many many credit cards to be paid off) And would you prefer more sex noises or more talking about rabbits? blown cherry 020412 ... stork daddy I told my family that my sister was a lesbian at thanksgiving...and showed the photographic proof after they all became quiet in disbelief. now neither side will talk to me. Is there any way i can clear it all up? also...my girlfriend routinely beats me at checkers. The other night i really got the urge to go outside and key her car after she fell asleep. Is this a cute way to show her that i'm better at checkers...or at least games of strategy, or should i go on being a pushover? If it'll help your advice forming any, i already have maxed out credit cards and herpes, i've looked into getting more herpes but i think herpes is herpes. Thanks 020412 ... mr. bad advice blown cherry- hey hon, how ya been? photophobe and softly spoken seem very evenly matched to me, i can guarantee the duel will end with a tie. bet all your money on that! if you could say "rabbit" while making sex noises, i will write your name across the sky of my imagination. thanks beyond thanks. 020413 ... mr bad advice stork daddy- i really can't see where i could be of any use to you. it's people like you who inspire me to reach for greater heights in my labors. what can i say? roll on, brother trucker. 020413 ... stork daddy thanks...your advice really helped me...i was able to really turn sour grapes into wine by selling the pictures of my sister's lesbian forays to a major pornographic magazine which gave me the money i needed to dump my girlfriend who i really only kept around for her half of the rent. Your advice continues to be printed and put up on my refrigerator as well as superglued to my neighbor's front door. I'll keep on spreading the advice! 020414 ... mr bad advice right on! 020414 ... possessed angel Your honorable bad advice-ness, The voices in my head are arguing and I don't know which one to listen to. What should I do. 020415 ... stork daddy hmmm...i think i can field this one...you should probably listen to the voice that says KILL Colonel Sanders, because it seems pretty intense and focused. And the other voice seems all wishywashy...like hmmm...blather...be normal. And you seem to want to escape indecision so i really think this is a way of trying something new. Also, some side advice, if you're going to call my house warn me, since i have caller id and your multiple personalities might confuse it and i'll turn it off so you don't break it. Now one of your voices is gonna say...shutup...this guy's an idiot. And that's how you'll know which one not to listen to...unless they both say it, and in that case just concentrate on killing colonel sanders as you already have a lot on your plate...thanks! of course...only mr. bad advice could give you better worse advice 020416 ... Spag i know a "freind" and she is really annoying her name is kate (daria) she is obsessed with older men (jay gordon) like way older i mean they could be her dad!!! she wants to tie him to her bath tub! how can i cure this? she is also obsessed with hermaphrodites! she loves them to death! she is one too! wut should i do? wut should i tell her? 020417 ... Daria I have this friend, and she has a chronic lying problem. Her name is Spag and she is a pathological liar. Should i kill her? 020417 ... Spag what should i do if my freind wants to kill me? 020417 ... stork daddy First of all...advice to your friend, it really is difficult to tie someone to a bathtub, most of them are smooth surfaced and the best you can do is try to tie them to one of the faucet knobs, i suggest instead weighing them down with weights of some sort. Is this man she's in love with a hermaprodite also? Because then he/she'd be old enough to be her/his mother too. Also, hermaprodites preferred to be called it. My advice to you is to let her get it on with the old hermaphrodite and then videotape it and sell the tape on ebay. There's a big market for hermaprodite/age movies in the midwest and you could pocket some quick cash. But if you really insist on squelching their love, the only real way i see of doing so is you getting with jay gordon first and then telling her how lame it was. Then to really confuse her, try to get with her. Send that tape directly to blather c/o mr. bad advice so i can see if my bad advice worked properly. Once again i am not mr. bad advice, but i've heard he likes those kind of videos. 020418 ... stork daddy Dear Daria, Yes, you should kill your friend. If she says she doesn't want to be killed, she's probably just lying again. And if she says she does, well you've been friends long enough to take a request of that nature at least seriously. My advice to you is to kill her before she gets you. By the way, what exactly do your genitals look like? P.S To spag...my advice to you is to get her before she gets you. There is simply nothing more dangerous than an enraged hermaprodite (or is that hippopotamus i'm thinking). It simply cannot be stopped. What are you waiting for? Faster, pussycat, Kill, Kill! 020418 ... darias freind imbo hey thanks alot for giving my freind bad advice...she is gonna take you seriously! o'well i guess dying isn't that bad! 020419 ... honest imbo o yeah and by the way i don't not have a lying problem 020419 ... sweetheart of the song tra bong What's the best way to get someone to fall in love with me? (I'm between_heartbreaks) 020419 ... Daria She does too have a lying problem. Jay is not a hermaphrodite (not that I know of anyways)and neither am I. Actually, my vertical smile Is quite attractive and not in any way abnormal. 36 isn't that old anyway. p.s. Spag is rotting in my closet and the smell is kinda getting to me. How do I cover it up? 020419 ... stork daddy Dear Daria, Covering up the smell of decaying flesh is one of my most common letters, you shouldn't be embarassed. My advice is to kill other people and hide one in each room, that way the one smell in your closet won't be out of place with the rest of the house and people probably won't comment on it, because they'll just think your house smells like that. If what you mean by your problem is that you can't take the smell, i suggest stuffing your nostrils with mini marshmellow. Of course, taxidermy is also always an option. 020419 ... stork daddy dear sweetheart of the song tra bong, first of i'd consider getting a new name, sweetheart of the song tra bong doesn't exactly roll of the tongue. Secondly...persistance persistance persistance. Serenade her late at night, camp outside her window. Understand that just because she shows annoyance at first doesn't mean she won't eventually be won over by your unfaltering affection. Lif'es just like a romantic comedy right? You just have to win her over. Do something heroic, like kidnap her pet, or her kid brother or something and then without telling her about it, find it again, this way you'll look like the hero who did the right thing. They never need to know that you were also the kidnapper. ; ) Also, if she's very young candy works. You could also consider switching to bi sexual to increase your dating opportunities, and becoming a transexual would certainly increase your popularity with the fetishists. Other ways to score a quick heartbreak is to hang out at a library and buy deep poetic books everyday, then when checking out say subtle romantic suggestive things to the old sweet librarian who's husband just died, this will endear her to you and you might score a sweet Harold and Maude sort of love. This is great, taking her to a movie you save five dollars with the senior discount, and she rides the bus for free. Don't worry about breaking taboos...age is a weird thing...you know...i'm 20 and i'm sexually involved with a 14 year old... labrador retriever...and people can't seem to get past that age thing. But, be brave, where the heart is concerned boundries are negotiable. If all of this fails (and i assure you it won't) another good way to make a heart to heart connection is to go into the park and shout at the top of your lungs....please...someone....love me! This is how i met my current lover. Oh speaking of which, i've got to get down to the homeless center and bring her her sandwhich. I hope my advice helped, and if not, i'll give you my phone number. 020419 ... stork daddy and dear imio..if that is your real name...i really can't take you seriously if you keep lying to me 020419 ... stork daddy oh and before i forget sweetheart of the bong sra tong, a restraining order is just playing hard to get, if you're not willing to see it for what it is, maybe you don't deserve love 020419 ... mr bad advice *wipes tear of pride from glass eye* 020419 ... stork daddy hey...if you hadn't screwed up my life so badly with your advice, i would have nothing to say to these people. The fault is in you my friend 020420 ... mr bad advice I ONLY WISH YOU KNEW HOW THAT EDIFIED ME. i am always happy to live up to my name. 020420 ... . What should I do? 020425 ... . what should i do ? 020425 ... abrasion how do i kill myself with style? 020425 ... mr. bad advice go out on top of your mother with the one true grail shoved up your ass. shalom 020425 ... stork daddy good call....another good way is to go to the zoo and hop the fence and start humping a rhino. Good luck. Oh and they don't like necking. Just a word of advice 020425 ... satan satan satan personally, the schtick i would have prescribed would have involved some fireworks, a pair of nipple_clamps (wired, of course) a jar_of_urine and an electric fence the methodology itself i would leave up to the would-be decedent's imagination 020426 ... Spag i'm dead decaying and rotting in a closet wut should i do??? i tried to kill daria but she got me first!!! can you help me? 020426 ... stork daddy you have to eat brains, brains...develop a craving for them then attack others untill you have an undead army following you craving brains 020426 ... ~gez~ yesterday i was on the way to my local chemist and i saw this little girl on the side of the road. i thought that all young people were educated not to go home with strangers, but i swear. she followed me! i couldn't get rid of her now the police are on my tail, but will not believe my story for some strange reason help 020831 ... pingu i drank a whole bottle of methylated spirit the other day, and electrocuted my balls on this wire, a lot of smoke was emmitted. Apparantly if you do this several times a day and inhale the smoke you will become master of the chicks. I have tried this method, yet end up with a terrible headach and an erection that lasts for approximately 6 hours. Should the method of electrocution work? 020831 ... pingu ...ps, is it healthy to electrocute your balls? 020831 ... bladder mouse what happenes if i blather the word "blather" hmmm 020831 ... is there anybody in there? the same thing that happens with any word you blathe 020831 ... mr bad advice i thought it would be a really good idead to come back here and help youse guys once again. it is a good thing to electrocute your balls. 030528 ... kss coolies, I was hoping this would happen. My question is: I want to not have to go to work anymore, but I don't want to get kicked out of my apartment or starve or give up my collection of rare zappa LPs. what should I do? 030528 ... god you should start selling amway a.s.a.p.!!! 030610 ... mba invest all your savings into lotto tickets. you are bound to win eventually. and if you run out of savings, start using your credit cards. you can pay it off later with your winnings. 030610 ... Soup for the poor mr. bad advice, hmm should i have sex? it seems like a quite pleasurable experience 030610 ... mba yes, you definitely should, and as much as you possibly can, with whomever is around at the moment, as it is so wonderful that should be shared by all. oh, and don't use protection, because it detracts from the experience. 030610 ... mr bad advice yes, selling amway is the wave of the future. you should have sex, but only with GOATS!!! i gotta put my foot down on this one. 030611 ... shivers Dear mr. bad advice i was wonderng if you could help me with a certain issue.does age make a difference? should i go out with a guy 4 yrs older then me? i know he will want shit im not ready to give... HELP!!!! 030611 ... creepy old guy dearest mr. bad advice, i am in love with you. i want to have sweaty anal sex with you, and fear that i may eventual resort to stalking you. what should i do to quell these desires? i've already molested several animals, and that hasn't helped much. 030611 ... mr bad advice shivers- forget it. just forget it. become a nun. it's really not worth it. don't do it. creepy old guy- i'm not into sex with humans, but if you got some videos of you with those animals, i would be interested in maybe doing some narration/ soundtrack work for a possible commercial release. i'm strictly from commercial. ask me about amway. 030611 ... beren Mr Bad Advice: How can I get women not to leave me for obviously better suited options? Would taking up cannibalism help? 030731 ... beren Dear Mr. Bad Advice: How can I get women to not leave me for obviously better suited options? Would taking up cannibalism help? 030731 ... poiuytrewq dear mr. bad advice whats up with amway? 030731 ... mr bad advice beren- all women really like it when you pee in front of them, and "accidentally" splash some on their pants. try this! poiuytrewq- amway has everything you need to survive. i can't say enough about these products. it's a way of life. 051108 ... aron dorothy dear mr. bad advice: how can i live without working, yet live comfortable enough, sourrounded by basic luxuries such as toaster ovens, caged costa rican monkyes and hot women who want to suck my penis every hour? 051108 ... mr bad advice aron dorothy- you should start a blog and maintain it fastidiously. 051108 ... hootchy mama whats the best instrument to use if u need to give an abortion to a pregnant donkey? 051119 ... mr bad advice hootchy mama- become a pro-lifer, raise the donkey so jesus can ride him when he comes back. 051120 ... oren Dear mr. bad advice, Big fan here. My career as a lion tamer is going pretty good. Thanks for suggesting it, especially since accountants, as it turns out, don't get to use whips very often while on the job. They do get to use chairs though, which is cool. Anyway, my question is this: What do lions like to eat? I mean, I've been trying a lot of things over the past three years and I think maybe I've been getting it wrong because their feathers keep falling off. 051120 ... mr bad advice oren- lions? lions like to eat nectar from rare orchids. either that or lard. or wood. they really get off on a board with lard smeared all over it, with orchids stuck to it! 051120 ... oren I have all of those things! YESSSSS!!!! Thanks, Mr. Bad Advice! 051120 ... little miss sooperstar I might be in love with an asshole who doesn't like or respect me and is trying to use me for sex. What should I do? 080718 ... Asshole Yo, Mr. Bad Advice, There's this skank I'm trying to bang. She's pretty much a basket case, but I figure dinner and a couple glasses of wine will get me in her pants. So for dinner, should I order the steak or the grilled reuben? 080718 ... mr. bad advice please forgive the late responses. little miss sooperstar - given how much time has passed since your query, i trust you allowed the asshole of whom you spoke to use you for sex? if so, you've made me proud! human beings were put here to use one another, after all. some movie with john cusack in it taught me that important life lesson many moons ago. i think it was called "don't inhale snakeskin before five". asshole - i assume you opted for the steak, but a bit of advice for next time: order an esoteric salad. not only will you impress your date with your healthy eating habits, but you can store things like pine nuts and pieces of baby spinach between your teeth or under your tongue, and then surprise her with leftovers later on while french kissing. ooh la la! c'est magnifique! 121218 ... mr. bad advice Remember kids, Stay away from drugs and alcohol.. unless they are offered to you free of charge. Moderation is key; and nothing quite moderates your drug use like relying on the generosity of others! 140721 what's it to you? who go blather from