jose ungreat when i call i say hey you, and you respond hey beautiful. you call me beautiful every fucking day and i dont know what to do with that, except feel like im in sixth grade and that cute boy finally noticed my existence. you know i let you date me as an experiment to myself, to prove im not close minded and judgmental, and totally fake basing everything on appearances, like every other american. I dated you because i thought you had this great personality, you were funny and got my sarcasm and warped sense of humour. and then last night you called me and talked to me the whole way home, and thats when i started to realize that i just might feel something more than plutonic. and today when we were shooting the breeze in between shifts of work, i kept thinking you might be worth the leap of faith, you might be worth letting myself get hurt. i just hope you dont expect me to be the answer to all your hopes and dreams, and that you dont expect this relationship to fix whatever holes you have, because nothing can do that, except you, but ill hold your hand. thats all i can give you right now, and i hope thats ok. 071219 ... ungreat you know i cried the other nite after i hung up with you because i just felt all these things like some one turned my emotions on for the first time, and now today its like they got turned off. im cold and im not even angry or disappointed. it's your life. not mine we arent married we share nothing. and you know i do all these nice things for you like bring you lunch and visit when youre down and drive all the fuck over the place to get your tire fixed knowing the whole damn time i'm never gunna get any of this back. yes i like to be the martyr i like to be in control, no you havent cheated or out right lied to me. and i know you think that laying in bed makes everything all right that spending time with me makes it all better. but something isnt working out. it's like the early warning sign that i should just stop this, but i cant. i wish you knew how incapable i was at living. I think you know and secretly take it for granted. you know i'll never end this because im easy going and low maintence and therefore much harder to let down. well congrats, cuz you succeeded. you let me down and it seems you need me more than i need you. So here's the question for tomorrow if the sun ever rises for us; what are we doing here? no really tell me because i have no fucking clue. everytime we might maybe spend time together you go out with people and don't understand why i get mad. you guilt trip me into feeling bad that you stay out late you make me feel bad that i wont move in with you when we've fucking been together for barely 3 months. What the hell are we doing? i know you've been in lust with me since the first time you saw me just about, i know you think im the one, but did you ever stop to think i might need convincing? yes i said i love you. but dont you realize that can only be spread so thin? don't you realize that i feel like im putting in more of this. i realized i dont want a relationship where it feels like im not giving my fair share so i stepped up and started caring and fucking opened up and its like you know youve got me hooked, but youre wrong. i'm a little more callused than you think, and i'm sorry i cant help but be jaded. and tonite i think this may be it. because i cant answer the question. 080223 ... ungreat because i love you i left to penn state because i want a good job to support us. because i love you i miss you all the time sleeping alone in a bed made for one. because i love you i'm writing you letters that you'll never get because i know they'll make you cry. One day maybe i'll show you the i miss you list, maybe one day i'll carve it on my wrist. because i love you i'm doing this on my own. because i love you i'm leaving you alone. 090110 ... ungreat You know i keep hoping youll find this and read everything i've ever written and post something for me to find. I keep hoping youll call me and say the right thing. I keep thinking about what i said about the summer of 2010 and then i keep thinking about how you've changed and how much more jaded you are and gullible at the same time. I feel like you evolved or something and i'm exactly the same which i like better than the idea of being some one else. I'm worrying that this is the end. and i know if i say it out loud then it will be. I want this to not be so hard. I want to look at you and not think of that disgusting thing you said in the car on the way home. and you laughed. that guy probably needed massive surgery and you laughed at the fact his insides were shredded. and you have these friends who you feel guilty about because your so determined to make me meet them. and you dont get that its completely out of my comfort zone. I don't want to come home this weekend because i'm mad at you. Becuase i have nothing to say to you. because i'm completely closed off from you and everything else. because im me. and your jose. we're complete strangers... 090211 ... elplocho I want you to know that I love you. I know I'm not perfect, and that I can be controlling. I know how hard you work, and that I'm not always the best mom or wife. I know that you're the one man that will love me most (after all that's what made me fall in love with you). I know I can be distant, and cold at times. I know you're not happy with the way we are living. I know that I can be nagging and a nudge, but I see so much potential in you. I'm sorry if I seem pushy at times, but I see all your hard work, and I want it to get you as far as you deserve. It hurts when I see people try to hold you back. It hurts when I see people upset you. And I'm sorry that it makes me dislike them. I want you to know that my fidelity is with you. We're a team of two, and I've got you're back even when you don't realize it. I want you to know that I wish with all my heart that you didn't have to work SO hard. I wish I had a better way to show you how much you are appreciated. I want you to know I love you, and that I'm trying to be a better me, because that's what you deserve. 130719 ... ungreat I wish this wasn't a joke. I wish that my faith in you hadn't been broken. I wish I could still trust you. I wish we didn't fight all the time. I wish just once we would have closure. I wish I wasn't the one always putting the pieces back together. Alone. I wish I could remember feeling appreciated by you. I wish I could remember you saying it. I wish I could forget. 140913 what's it to you? who go blather from