arm_counting_machine kingsuperspecial Today I bought an arm counting machine. You know how sometimes, especially after a few pints of whiskey, you get in those arguments with people about how many arms they have? well, I figured an arm counting machine was just the trick. I had to sign a bunch of waivers and what not when I bought it, but it seemed worth the hassle at the time. By the time we lugged it home in the old radio flyer, I was dying to test it out. It plugs into 220 only, so we had to put the dryer out and plug it in the laundry room. I decided I'd go first, so I switched it on and got ready. There was a lot of clanging, and a low whine of heavy gears turning at high speed. Final, the green light came on, and it said "READY" in a low, mechanical voice. "How many arms do I have?" I asked it, pulling the sleek, chromed handle marked 'COUNT'. The machine shuddered, and with a faint clanging began to vibrate slightly, like an little brother with A.D.D. that is tied to a chair. Then, a hatch popped open on the front and two mechanical arms unfolded, telescoping toward me. They gently on my head, than ran down my shoulders, their long steel fingers wrapping around my biceps. When the mechanical hands reached my elbows they stopped, and clenched tighter, slightly raising my arms away from my body. Then, the whine of the machine deepend, and the green light turned red. with a sound like a semi truck pulling away from the Taco Bell drive through, the machine increased its grip on my elbows and pulled my arm outward and down. Over the din of gears came a horrible popping and my arm came out of socket and separated from my torso. It deposited my arms neatly in a hatch which had opened on it's top. Then the gear noise decreased, the sleak arms folded away for storage, and the big light turned green again. "NONE!" belted the machine. . 010714 ... velvet spasm ! 010714 ... yummyC haha thats what you get for being you. I made the same mistake years ago, but now I can laugh at someone else's misfortune. ha ha ha. 010714 ... Photophobe Heh. So its a one-use-only machine, seeing as aftert the first time you can't pull the 'COUNT' lever anymore? 010714 ... kingsuperspecial I suppose. I guess if you had no arms, you wouldn't have any bussiness getting them counted. I think the all voice actuated model was extra. it also came with an ass_counting_machine at no extra cost. noarmedbandit 010714 ... yummyC wow...I feel ripped off--I never got the ass counting machine... 010715 ... Dafremen I'm impressed with the fact that KSS can count with his toes.... (you ARE typing with your TOES aren't you?!) 010715 ... kingsuperspecial yes, I do most everything with my toes now. But I have verified proof of how many arms I have. ever tried giving someone the middle toe? it loses something in the translation... 010716 ... Dafremen Heheh is THAT was that Side Show freak was doing? Heheh I thought he was showing me his podiatric dexterity. 010716 ... paste! my toe is in Switzerland on a reconnaissance mission. i hope that "he" collects sufficient data for the bombing...umm, i mean pool party. 010716 ... Photophobe You're having a pool party in switzerland? Wow! Can I come! I hope its heated(but not by bombs)! I hear its going to be da bomb! 020411 ... god i think he mined the harbor. they're gonna secede and legalize everything, and i do mean everything. 020424 ... paste! my toe is henceforth MIA; "misinterpreting ill asshats"; so here's one for the rebel digit! yargar_sham_shalollipop! c'mon, grab yer floaties! 020425 ... thieums *BRRZ* *CLICK* **stare with electronic eye** *WHIRRR* *CLUNK* *I-BELIEVE-YOUR-TOTAL-NUMBER-OF-ARMS-IS-2* 090211 ... Strideo no wonder you had to sign a bunch of waivers. I had a cousin once who had the same thing happen to him only it was a leg counting machine. it really made me rethink my plans on purchasing a . . . well, I won't say it. ... 090211 what's it to you? who go blather from