ask_mr_bad_advice mr. bad advice (oh no! not another "ask____" column, i hear you gasp.) this one is different. i got bad advice for anyone with a question. 010112 ... twiggie i have a sore throat, bad cough, and a high fever. i'm also getting little blue spots on my hands. i think i'm sick. what do you think i have and how can i cure it? oh and how in the hell can i beat the barbie ocean discovery game? it's so HARD! 010112 ... mr bad advice hi twiggie. you probably have anthrax, so you should shave all the hair off your body, put it into an envelope, and mail it to someone who lives near you. then you should pee all over yourself every day for a year. join the local rotary club. go to a tupperware party with dog doo smeared on your forehead. this should cure you. you can win your game by setting yourself on fire. have a wonderful day! -mr. bad advice 010112 ... twiggie ok so i have another question. (but you have to read the long story first). one time when i was like 6 or 7, me and my cousins saw a bee up at their cabin. we were afraid, and all of a sudden i got this brilliant idea. lets run into the camper! so we did, all the way to the back of it into the shower. but then i decided that it wasn't a good enough hiding place from the bee...even though we were inside and it was outside. so i had an even more brilliant idea: Let's go into the closet! So we all crammed in the closet and shut the door. After about 5 minutes we decided it was safe, so we tried to opened the door. ...It didn't open from the inside. We were stuck in there for about an hour before my mom and aunt found us. was this the right way to handle the bee situation? if not what else should we have done? 010112 ... mr. good advice twiggie- that was pretty good planning, if i don't say so myself. you know now, of course, that you should have stayed in the closet for at least two months. next time you see a bee, be sure to put it in your mouth as soon as possible. use bees for stuffing in all your pillows. put them in your clothes before you go to work each day. tally-ho! 010112 ... silentbob mr bad advice if i am alone and want girls to like me what do i do 010112 ... mr. bad advice oh, silentbob, silentbob, silentbob! women like to see a man manipulating his genitals as soon as possible. next chick (and DO call them that) you see, whip it out and start strokin' asap!!! then tell her you have bad credit and scabies (gets their sympathy every time). 010112 ... MollyCule dear mr. bad advice - what do i do if i'm one of the few chicks not turned on by scabies? 010113 ... mr. bad advice molly- you are a rare case indeed! there is obviously something seriously wrong with you mentally. you need to eat as many as three or four live beavers an hour to set yourself right again. that and about 1500 push-ups a day should do the trick! cheerio, miss cule 010113 ... mr. bad advice anyone else? 010518 ... super econo pack satan will my little brother Jesus ever play the piano again? 010519 ... mr. bad dice only if you start selling amway in palestine. 010520 ... mr. bad dice my dice are fucked up! 010520 ... Sol dear mr bad advice for some time now i have been worried by the state of my elephants, they seem to be developing ostriches all over their epidermis. While it does attract more ruler salesmen, who are most tasy when deep fried in teriake sauce, it does leave the fields somewhat trampled. What should i do? 010521 ... mr. bad advice are you in cleveland ohio??? if not, pack up and go there a.s.a.p.!!! it is the only true place of beauty left on this planet. elephants are welcomed in cleveland, especially within the city limits. it is a paradise unlike no other, where clear elephant complexions AND ruler salesmen abound! p.s. vote for bush! 010521 ... Sol no I cannot go into Ohio, unfortunately, although i may send my elephants there on a short break, I was outlawed there after knocking over a bank (It was an accident though, the brakes on the juggernaught were not working) I am now living in frightful exile on the island country of England, far over the sea. (better place to be anyway) 010527 ... ditto hi, what is rape? I mean how can you classify it? torment, disrespect, do they come close to the word? if not then I was nearly raped many times. So can you help me, I mean, how can you trust anyone? the answer is you can't isn't it. That's a real shame. 010527 ... mr. bad advice sol- you are right. england is great, everyone should go there now! 010527 ... mr bad advice you can trust me. rape is a kind of music popular with people of african descent, and pimply white teenage boys. there is a fixed rhythm, and spoken vocals. move to england! 010527 ... rodger my x-girlfriend is now dating my mom how can i win back their love? 010527 ... mr. bad advice rodger- women like to see a man manipulating his genitals as soon as possible. next chick (and DO call them that) you see, whip it out and start strokin' asap!!! then tell her you have bad credit and scabies (gets their sympathy every time). 010527 ... Sol This seems to be universal advice, how extremely innivotive, I am sure i heard it somewhere very similar to this. 010529 ... mr. bad advice i thought it would be a good idea to repeat this advice for you. i hope it solves your "family problems". 010530 ... stinky tree laughing I got a question for you. Two, actually: 1) Hypothetically shitting, there's this guy. And there's this girl. And this guy notices that this girl seems to be staring at him but, as soon as he looks at her, she ain't looking at him any more. So...IS she looking at him? If not, what is she looking at? If yes, what does it mean? 2) Can lice be used as a device to heighten one's sexual pleasure? 010608 ... mr. bad advice stinky tree- isn't hypothetical a kind of syringe? yes, i think it is. heroin can be used with a syringe. so can lice. lice are sexy. chicks dig lice. it gets them wet right away. when they find out about the lice, they want to groom you like an ape. go shoot up and get some lice. shalom! 010711 ... Sol (in school) I have recently found that i have a penchant for swallowing stereos, should i exploit this and travel to lower mesopotamia to make some money from this, perhaps working for bananas? 010712 ... mr. bad advice you are brilliant my boy! be sure to contract lice and scabies and herpes and leprosy before you go, so you will fit it! keep on swallowin'! 010712 ... stinky tree laughing Thanks, man. You saved my ass (and my balls). I got another question: How do I give myself a blowjob? 010712 ... god in mexico two words: spinal reduction surgery! i know this doctor on the shady side of cancun... 010712 ... mr bad advice hey, i'm workin' this side of the street! 010712 ... mr bad advice you forgot to tell him to sleep in a bathtub full of ice cream! 010712 ... god in mexico my bad 010712 ... psychobabe well mr. bad advice your advice seems to be good and works. I need it, i have a thing for my guy friend and want him to notice me, what should i do??? 010830 ... mr. bad advice steal his credit cards! let him know you're serious about him! 010830 ... Norm So, um, this one time I forced a cow to drink alot of vodka and after a while it was like "dude, I gotta get back to the barn" but with a slur, you know? I was like "dude you can't go home the farmer will beat you down" Then he tried to get in his car and drive home and I was like "Fuck!" and I grabed his keys and took off with his car. Later, I went back to the tree house we had been drinking in and there was the cow very skinny, like a 12 year old anorexic, and dead. Now I'm in alot of trouble cause the farmer's charging me with murder. What should I do? Also I'm considering starting a cult and I was wondering how I should go about it. 010830 ... Norm So, um, this one time I forced a cow to drink alot of vodka and after a while it was like "dude, I gotta get back to the barn" but with a slur, you know? I was like "dude you can't go home the farmer will beat you down" Then he tried to get in his car and drive home and I was like "Fuck!" and I grabed his keys and took off with his car. Later, I went back to the tree house we had been drinking in and there was the cow very skinny, like a 12 year old anorexic, and dead. Now I'm in alot of trouble cause the farmer's charging me with murder. What should I do? Also I'm considering starting a cult and I was wondering how I should go about it. 010830 ... . . 010830 ... mr bad advice First, publish your story. Make sure it gets into oprah's book club. Then, commit suicide. The cult will follow, and you won't have to deal with the charges. 010831 ... psychobabe after i steal his credit cards, what should i do then? come on mr bad advice i'm in a slump here!!!! heeeeeelp! 010831 ... mr. bad advice offer free sexual favors to the guys hanging around down by the docks. your prospective beau will admire your generosity and hold you in high esteem. be sure to max out those credit cards! 010831 ... Norm The advice you gave me worked well, except the suicide thing. I'm not down with that. Is there another option? 010901 ... mr bad advice no suicide? hmmmmm..... you should cut off both arms and one leg then try walking a tightwire across the grand canyon. after that, invest all your money in the ku klux klan. 010901 ... psychobabe oOhh my god my bad advice! your advice worked like gold!!!! i not only have my man now who is my undevided sex slave, but now i also have many upon many items here from the maxed out credit cards! its paradise! how can i ever repay you????? 010901 ... mr bad advice can i sleep on yer couch for a couple years? and have sex with you three times a day? 010901 ... psychobabe heh, go for it 010902 ... mr bad advice great! we'll be right over! 010902 ... psychobabe we'll? ah you mean theres more than one! heh i guess that works 010903 ... mr. bad advice i travel with a large entourage of retarded nuns. 010904 ... namae Hey, Mr. Bad Advice, where can I get some good advice? 010904 ... Photophobe Hey Mr bad advice. I have this major assignment which I have to do well in or fail the whole subject(again). I screwed the assignment up last year, becausde I went with a dumb Idea. The assignment is to be submitted as 50 pages, 150mm x 150mm each, on the theme of a square. Text is allowed, but only by way of caption. Last year I got quite drunk, and decided to do a western - style story in crayons, and my lecturer yelled at me. What should I do; I'm fresh out of ideas. 010904 ... mr. good advice good advice? ask mr. good advice 010906 ... psychobabe well mr bad advice i see not many people have been writeing to you lately :s i'm sorry whats going on with you bud? 011008 ... boerg47 dear mr. sorry sack of shit! i apologize that my column isn't as popular as your asshole is at the local