misstree_mutters misstree me again, polluting blatherspace with random angst. no apologies or excuses, either for this or my recent ghostliness, but just know that i need to vent, and i know that i had friends here, people that would see my name and read this and send warm squishies, and, well, i need that thought right now. it's not as crisis-laden as much of my life is. it's not terrible. it's just horrifyingly stressful and emotionally complicated. once upon a time... so, there's this chica at the local goth night. let's call her, uh, what's a good name? alice. i don't know any alices, that'll work. so alice comes out to goth night all the time. she's fucking gorgeous, as in there isn't a man that doesn't want her or a woman that doesn't envy her. (insert all the non-straight equivalents, just not in the mood for complicated linguistics. saving that for later.) she's whip smart, well seasoned, traveled, the whole nine yards. recently single. caesar wants her bad, and not just to stick his dick in. he's honestly intersted in her as a person. in boofoo iowa, that's quite a thing. for my brother, that's quite a thing. a bit more background. this interest started while she was in a relationship. caesar was respectful enough of both her and her beau not to put the thumbscrews on; quite the restraint, especially for him. we missed a few weeks, and in the interim they talked on the phone a few times. we went back, things got weird in the way that they often do when we're around; general increase in debauchery and beatings and such. again long story short (too late!), she ended up messing around with others because she didn't realize caesar was genuinely interested. he was about ready to castrate the others for doing it and himself for not communicating properly, but she called and they're going out tonight. they're going out tonight. that's the part that freaks me out. if she were just some fuck, i'd still be nervous, but nowhere near as bad. i know i'm Alpha, i know i'm his Best, and vice versa on both, but i feel like i can't hold a candle to this woman. skinny, tiny tiny (which caesar loves, and which i am definitely not), smart, stylish, experienced. i feel like i look like a pile of poo next to that. he reassures me, but i'm scared. i know that right now and tonight is the peak of nervousness about it, but that doesn't make it any easier to get through. add that to recent drops off in libido in his part associated with stopping drinking, and it gets even more nerve-racking. the past week or so the libido has been back, but it's been about 48 hours since the last satisfaction on my part, and he just turned me down for a back room quickie at the shop. that's what stings. being turned down right before this. i just wanted a piece of him with me before tonight, a little reassurance and a secret smile and i have to stop for a minute. "and i'm starting to laugh/like an animal in pain/i've got blood on my hands/i've got hands in my brain." it's almost like the old days, the soul-wringing helplessness invoked by another. i need to clear out of the house tonight, but i don't have any Close friends in this town, and the two people i really get along with well enough to hang out with are two odd extremes; one is a geek like me, but he's broke and i want to get stinking drunk and cause trouble tonight, but he's never the quiet type for the most part, so he makes good distraction (and maybe i'll just bring them both out tonight. but i don't want to get drunk; getting drunk to deal with shit is how we ended up in such a shitty position that we quit for a while. "just this once" is such a dangerous phrase. but i live for danger. so, my brain is in hell. it's horny and frustrated and screaming with paranoia and fear and bitter anger and confusion and nervousness. i'm trying to smoke myself stupid, but it's hard, and i don't want to leave the house until i'm shooed out, though i kinda just want to buy a bottle of vodka and go sit by the river but i know that's just about the worst thing i could do. and i'm on my third day off and i haven't done anything that i meant to because i spent the first day overcaffeinated and nursing caesar's brainspace and yesterday talking to someone from argentina. okay. i'm going to go kill shit and distract myself for a bit. thanks for reading. commence with the sending of happy thoughts. oh, and i have instant messaging. i suppose if you bothered to read this you may as well have it... aim: misstreeb4u yahoo: phraktaltree23 icq: 316777116 and my email is actually misstree at chaosmagic dot com. feel free to poke at me. but if not poke, at least send me good and calming brainwaves. and convince me not to do ritual until i pull out of this turbulence. 050421 ... misstree mo GOD. i'm trying so hard to be good, not doing too bad of a job, but there's no one here and someone should have come over about two hours ago or at least be expecting my call and his phone is busy and i'm trying so hard to distract myself but i CAN"T and i'm kinda getting freaked. can't even leave the house because people might be coming over.i hear the cat thumping around and think it's people on the steps and my heart starts beating faster. I NEED DISTRACTION, DAMMIT! it's tempting to just say fuck it and get ready for the bars and go, screw the people that are supposed to show and aren't. that's a good plan. at least it's a purpose. god damn. eris, birdies, somebody break something. it's too quiet in here. 050421 ... andru235 don't do the ritual until you pull out of this turbulence!!! i have found that whenever i try and convince anyone of anything, they usually head in the opposite direction. so maybe i should instead type: do the ritual after you push into that turbulence! but what i really mean was the former. by the ritual i guess you mean ... well, maybe you mean something else. hopefully. but if you meant ... *that* ritual ... i am not one who will fault you for it, and will send you positive brainwaves of returning-to-ones-spiritual-home-wherever-that-is whether you want them or not. but you still might want to wait for the turbulence to pass, just to be sure. i live upriver from you, i think, if you are on the mississip, so i'll send some misstree-marvellousness downstream, if i can find it ... there it is! ok. it will reach you in ... ooof ... about 8 to 15 hours ... rivers aren't as quick as the jetstream, after all ... at any rate it is on the way! unfortunately it will pass by the nuclear storage casks on prairie island while flowing south. fortunately i am andru235 and can neutralize the radiation from the uranium, which will prevent an influx of sadness, but if they stored depleted plutonium there i can't do anything about it and the misstree-marvellousness will come with a small burst of anger. but it will pass much quicker than the misstree-marvellousness, which lasts 10 to 524 weeks, depending on circumstances beyond my control. p.s. looks aren't everything and those of us who aren't perfect 10's often are more 'skilled' ... (but i'm not sure that includes me.) 050421 ... mt *smile* much appreciated. i did the ritual, and if you're thinking i mean cutting then no... in this case it was a bit of asking for sight... and *then* teh turbulence hit... and things got ugly... and are horribly ugly at this very moment... so screw the radiation, maybe it'll zap some of this cancerous karma... that's all i can bring myself to say right now. more mutterings later, i can almost guarantee it. 050422 ... mrabled fluor .sic. like when joe namath guaranteed a superbowl victory? cuz that was teh 1337. i mean if anyone was 1337, it was joe namath. 050422 ... dandy sending positive karma back in time through my medium cat and see if it can't pat you some comfort retroactively. has your perspective returned yet? even tho she's Fine, you're fine independant of her, of him, Alpha in your own life whereever and whenever you are. 050423 ... sameolme I gotta admit to a bit of jealousy. I have only one mutter. Exactly how many mutters do you have and how is it you think you deseve them all? 050423 ... red tree needs food badly i have exactly 23.5 mutters, and i have no right to them, i stole each and every one of them. perspective, oh perspective... you could say it's on its way... it's unloading several traincars on my back door... still not quite up for talking about current events, but there is much bigger joujou than my previous concerns in the works... and happy vibes are needed even more because of it.... and so terribly much appreciated i can't express... suffice to say that beltane will be a new beginning for me, in one way or another... let's hope it doesn't mean a full-bore New Beginning, because three in one year is a little much for me... 050423 ... mt and you can rent my mutters if you want, but they're not all in the best condition... 050423 ... misstree there's something very calming about havinghte house all to myself, and something distrurbing too. i only half know what to do with myself. the meds have me all perky and stuff, and i kind of don't want to sit and dwell, but it's interesting, "novicaine for the soul" is pretty damn appropriate... all the places that should hurt are just blank, missing. but, well, it's been a while since i just sat and babbled about my life and i'm still feeling kind of lazy and i know that as soon as i get around to showering i'll have to call someone at that might turn into a bootycall and i got unexpected sex and so i don't need it like i did last night but there were about twenty of them and is there just a "i need sex" vibe that i put off or are they psychic and three of a circle of friends all tasted my lips and i'm not sure if that's a very good habit for a promoter to have... but it was the first time i was unleashed since i was uncaged and abandoned, so i'm not too hard on my excesses, though that beer was really quite nasty coming up, but it was free and not to my stomach it wasn't, and i had to stop bringing it up when someone else came in there to puke, some chicks that had just wandered in from some other bar, and that was okay because i had enough of the foam out and there was more waiting and the boys still wanted to kiss me anyway but it was a sausagefest so that shouldn't be too surprising. that was last night. oh yeah, and i whupped markus's butt at single blue. and i'm sitting here kind of lost and i just caught my brain deliberately trying to avoid thinking of something and i take that as a good sign because that means that there's something there and i was worried, you know, i'm a poet and everything and so even the dark parts are important to me but i have to be able to not let them eat me alive, rip my arms off or swallow me whole like a snake or quicksand the more i struggle the more it sucks. did i mention the meds make me perky? i was going at a hundred miles an hour last night and i'm thinking of just halving my dosage for myself that means that i'll have less to pay for with money i don't have (no money no money) but i normally drink coffee to be like this and so it's kind of nice but kind of scary because i don't really have much of a speed control. and yes this is not exaggerated but simply allowed, i could have made this whole blather coherent if i had wanted to but i've been writing coherently for a lot of other things and i just wanted to dump my brain out on the table and make a mess and so far i've got my coat off and a backache and the boy that wants me is so very pretty and gives a great backrub so i think i'm going to shower and think and decide if that's really what i want Right Now. *curties* *scurries* 050513 ... oldephebe Hey. ... 050513 ... . Are you more subdued than this in real life? You always sound so wild_and_free. 050514 ... misstree flutters sometimes i am more subdued, but i often do race at a hundred miles a minute. can't really slow myself down when i'm doing that, either, least not if i'm enthused about something. i am wild_and_free in a lot os ways, but i carry all these self-made nasty black goo dripping chains around with me sometimes. there are many blessings and curses in the brain of tree. and i think the meds are wearing off, as my head sank enough to sting last night, and this morning it's quite in the shitter... as will be explained when i post the dream writeup... 050514 ... misstrees gutters bad dream. need to get it out of my head. bad enough that it woke me up. was at a swordfighting event. i think that's where my brain goes for big group situations. caesar and alice were there, as well as a ton of other people that we both knew. they spent the whole night fucking in my tent, and i mentioned this to shit, name, doc, who had noted it as well and was getting annoyed himself, so he went wandering off to tell them that feast was here and come be social. they did, and they were glued together at the hip the whole time and passed right by me and i ws talking to someone at the time and then alice walked by me by herself and i had the urge to flick her off and then realized that it wasn't really her i disliked, it was the situation and caesar's way of dealing with it, and mentioned this to the friend. immediately after feast, they went back into the tent to talk and fuck again, and i was trying to do other things to distract myself but i was too upset and i left, which somehow translated in the dream to them leaving. i was still really upset and trying not to let it eat me alive, so i decided that i needed to talk to markus, so i called him but he was an hour away and i wanted to talk to him in person and there was no gas in my car. upset upset upset awake. not a fun way to start your morning, and this is one of the most obvious dream interpretations i've had in a very long time. Nobody is doing his job for once. see, there's this goth event every other sunday, and i skipped the last one because i didn't want to have to see them together, i knew i wouldn't be able to handle it. i gave up my territory. and while i was in the hospital, she came down for the goth night we're orgnizing here. (i didn't need to know that it was busier the other week.) it just stings, ya? so i'm determined to go to goth night on sunday, and i have high hopes, there are lots of cool peopel there i haven't seen in a while and stuff like that, but i've asked caesar a couple of times now to really not have any affection where i can see it, i just can't handle that yet, i haven't even seen her in person since my head popped, and i'm trying really hard to be okay with this. but i honestly don't trust him to be able to do that for me. not with all the ways he's disappointed and hurt me recently, and i know how selfish he is, and how guided by his own cock he is, and sometimes how oblivious he is, and how much he likes her, and this dream was a premonition of a possible train wreck. god i hope it's not like that. i hope he realizes how important it is to me. i hope he can do this one small thing for me. because if he can't, well, this is the saving throw on some very nasty stuff. le_sigh. gonna go shower and distract myself. 050514 ... so tell me really do open relationships work? 050515 ... smurfus rex what do you need to make your save? and what are you saving vs.? I'm gonna guess save vs. spell, difficulty...8. p.s. I hate freaky vivid weird dreams. 050515 ... misstree heh, i depends on how you define "work." if you're looking for the happily ever after, white picket fence and growing old together type of thing, well, i couldn't tell you, because i have yet to grow old with anyone, in either type of relationship. if you mean, can one find a reasonable state of happiness and stability with someone in an open relationship, it all depends on the headspaces and the situation. now, no relationship is perfect, open or not, so most of the pitfalls are similar. it helps if you and your partner can share a few meals, as well, just kinda lubricates he headspace a little. and all things will end, eventually. everything else that wants to come out of my brain on that subject is bad and nasty due to current circumstances, so i'll shut up there. that, and i have vague mammaries of blathing about it elsewhere, but can't rightly find it. and the saving throw is a damn good question... what's divine overinterference rank as? following the clerical thing it would be turn undead, but i'm not dead yet, dammit... might just be a roll vs stat, in which case i'd have to say wisdom, and in the event of a bad roll we jump over to call of cthulu so i can lose some major san points. do you ever feel like the universe is run by this deific dm who really wants to lead you by the nose to the next piece of plot, but you just can't quite grasp what they're trying to get you to do? and you both keep getting fruistrated and you get into a bar fight for something to do and end up accidentally killing the npc you were trying to contact? yeah. i have years like that. 050515 ... smurfus rex yeah, my DM hated it when we'd do that...as far as the 'not knowing what to do to get to the next plot point' part, I think that would be a perception check, which would be save vs. intelligence. At least, in our games it would have been...too bad this DM doesn't talk directly to the PCs. 050515 ... mt here i am again, down in the dark places. i need friends out here really badly. there's no one for me to just sit and talkj to. i mean, i get to talk to people at the bars and stuff, and i talk to people online, but there were only two people that i actually enjoyed just sitting around and talking to, and they're laying low for a bit to avoid further confrontations with the law, so now i don't even have them. i'm praying to just about every diety i can think of that zombie jamboree works out. it will be great fun, it might land me a job at the same bar, and i've already met some damn cool people through it, people i honestly wouldn't mind just hanging out with, not going out and drinking on my poor poor stomach that really hates it when i do that, and punishes me badly the next day. blah. i always feel kind of bad, because i rarely write in the good moods, i rarely write when things are going well for me. i was late on taking my meds, which i'm sure contributes, but it was also just a long difficult night, the details of which i'm not quite ready to get into. suffice that it was rough as burlap. one thing that kind of floated to mind lately was the way that i deal with sadness and pain. i believe that you have to have those feelings in order to cope with them, you can't just shove them in a box and expect them to disappear. you ahve to experience them. to me, it's like pouring water. you may be able to control the rate at times, and when you pour too fast you splash everywhere, but if you're careful and patient and gentle with yourself and you can make it, and heal. i'm just having to kind of speed myself through the healing process right now, and like i said with pretty much no outside support except caesar who is at the center of much that i have to heal and i'm trying so hard to be strong and good for him because his head is all in a spin over alice and he got all freaked out because he was talking to me at the bar and i'm his best friend and we've torn apart more bars than she could imagine and then she was just a right cunt to him and wouldn't speak to him though he was freaking the fuck out hard core because she was so offended that he had been standing at the bar waiting for shots with us and yep. i'm kinda not sure if i'm going to have to go away yet. i need to be here in order to get over this, to deal with this, and to do all the other things in my life that need doing, but this is his shot at happiness and i don't want to riun that for him and i hate two things in life and that's drama and people hurting my family and she did both and i'm trying not to hate her i'm trying not to dislike her and i'm not doing too bad but i'm so angry at her for the way that she treated him last night, and i was the one that was there for him even though i'm trying to deal with all this shit in my brain on my own and as soon as they started talking again they couldn't not be affectionate he couldn't even do that but it was okay because he's my brother and i want the best for him. (not biological, in case you hadn't picked that up.) "if you make her cry, i'm going to come right back here to kick your ass." that 70's show is a bit too timely tonight. donna and eric are broken up, and donna is dating kelso's older brother casey, and casey is just a dick to eric and comes to the barbecue and then eric goes to talk to him and say that if he doesn't love her, he better not act like he does, and then she comes out of the house and he says he loves her and then she leaves and casey says "see, foreman? it's just words." and i felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. this was near the end of the episode so there was already some uncomfortable belly rumblings but that's part of why i'm so upset about last night. she hurt my fucking best friend really really bad because he likes her so much, and she claims she likes him too, but she treated him like shit, and i need for her to know how wrong that was so i can put it behind me and not hold it against her. but i know him, she's going to make some noises and it's going to be okay and i know me and i'll never get to talk to her face to face about it, and i was thinking about writing her a letter and maybe i should. maybe nothing. maybe that letter will show up here. maybe not. i've already got my flag in the ground. 050516 ... misstree sputters yep. wrote it. don't know yet if i'm going to post it. just trying to get back into my own skin yet. 050516 ... realistic optimist hey tree. at least you are putting words out there. i'm just wallowing in my own self loathing not talking to anyone about it, not even the blue pages. you're really working at trying to do right by your brother and by yourself. that's admirable and beautiful. i hope things reign in here for you. you deserve them to. much props and love across the ether. 050516 ... Lemon_Soda People love how they've been taught to love. The worst case is when two people love each other but express it in completely opposite ways. What would be a good thing for one is sacriligeous to the other and vice versa. It can be really frustrating to know you love someone and not be able to communicate with them at all without wanting to slap the bejeezus out of them. Its even worse when you see it happening between two people you hold so dear to your heart and theres jack shit you can do about it except hope one of them calls and just wants to talk for awhile. Alot of people don't fully grasp the objective view of what their actions do to other people. Even worse are the people who don't care. Unfortunately, this its_all_about_me attitude frustrates and hurts alot of people, and frankly it doesn't do to much good for the person doing it. Its the epitomy of immaturity and should be pitied when encountered. If I had any advice, and note this is just my opinion and you can tell me to shut the hell up, the best you can do is talk to him and let him know how you feel. If this doesn't pan out you must lead by example. Don't react negatively, don't give her or yourself any fuel for this. Donot act in a fashion parralel to it. If this does not work, then you should wash your hands of it and let them help themselves. I say them because they both(seemingly) have things to deal with and get over. Its a bit of a catch phrase for the people who really know me, but I'll say it again...you get what you focus on, so think about what your looking at. Nothing is so important that you should give up your happiness for it. If there is anyone on this planet who deserves her happiness its you, misstree. P.s. try jogging around the block every morning when you get up. It'll help. 050517 ... misstree trembles bless you, o brothers, for i needed your words this morning. don't know why i'm so freaked out today. all i know is that i've been trembling all morning and terrified of something, and i don't even know what, though i know part of it is being trapped in this house, still, again, alone, always here, always going slowly crazy and dead and bored and no way out. i wrote the letter, and i showed it to caesar this morning, and he's at work now but he's going to print it out and bring it with when he goes to visit her tonight. the letter is pretty long and rambling, but i can sum up what it said. it basically told her that i'm very angry at her actions, but that i don't dislike her, and i needed to tell her my anger in order to get it out of my system before it can rot and so that someday in the future we can somehow all be in one room without anyone getting freaked out. but there are things that i need before i can be healthy, and i can't find them, i need friends so bad guys, having you out in the ether helps but i need hugs like you wouldn't believe, i need the physical presesnce of caring, and this town is hell. so i wrote this letter. and i told her that what she did hurt ceasar very very badly, and i hate to see people that i care about hurt, and she had better not ever carelessly hurt him again. i told her that i know it's impossible not to hurt people, it's part of being human, but if she cares about him in the slightest then she will be aware of his feelings in the future, and not ever again do anything so senseless, and drama-filled. i told her that he is an incredible person, and i want him to be happy, and she's brought him some happiness already, and never pull that shit again. i told her that i'm no competition, there's no reason he can't have a best friend and a best girl. i meant everything i said, and i left unsaid the things that would not cause any positive benefit, like, "twat, you have no clue who you're fucking with, you push me enough and even though it would be like kicking a shih-tzu i *will* snap your scrawny little neck, you fucking idiot, i was just in a mental hospital, you mind giving him a little slack and taking some fucking time?" or "what the hell crawled up into your brain and died that made you think that you can treat someone you supposedly care about that way? you say you have trouble trusting him, well why the fuck should he trust you after a stunt like that? a few kisses won't make it better." only i know that a few kisses will make it better, and i really do want to be able to get along with her in the future. some days i handle it much better than others. this is not one of those days. this day, i am trembling and freaked and it feels like the entire world is Wrong, and as i said, i needed your words very badly right now, babes. i'm trying really hard. i'm trying to be happy and i'm trying to heal and make myself a better person and i'm trying to make the situation that i'm in livable and i still don't know if i can do it but when i mentioned leaving, flying from town, finally giving up, caesar doesn't want that, he wants his best friend around, and i want mine, but if i'm just going to be a problem, an obstacle, i don't know. part of me doesn't want to let her "chase me off," but more of me just wants him to be happy and just wants me to be happy and i don't know how and i'm freaking really hard this morning and this is the one thing that the meds don't help with, is the panic, the terror, the confusion, the hurt. caesar left me this morning with instructions to put the laundry away and then take a shower and then call him, and i'll figure out some way to get out of the house today, it'll all be okay, the day will be as fine and bright as emerson promised, but i just need to get this morning past me first, so i'm going to end my mutterings here and wander off to shower. that's one problem with showering, though. i can't distract my brain while i'm in there. put away laundry. then shower. 050517 ... misstree spasms my gut is twisted and i want a drinmk very badly right now. caesar just took off for alice's house. i've been freaking out all day without knowing exactly why, but knowing that part of it is me *really* having to start dealing with it, especially after both last night and dealing with it (for feelings do not stop when drama stops, and i'm still pretty fucking salty about the way that she treated him, and as that was my first example of how she acts in his presence and it went from cold shoulder to cuddling in my presence, i'm pretty fucking pissed). fuck. my gut is twisted and i want a drink very badly. i say it again because it's so very true. i'm yelling at the cat for no reason, my panties are all in a twist and all that i know is that i need out of this house very very very badly but i have no friends and the only people that i know in this town just invited me to go probably back to their place but i don't feel comfortable talking to them about this because i don't quite know why i think because they're friends with both of us and i don't want to use them as an ear dump and i want to go out to a coffeehouse which will either allow me to be alone but not or force me out of my shell to meet random strangers and will almost certainly be a distraction but i'm afraid that if i go i'll end up at the nearby bars, where i know i can get drunk for free. and my gut is in a knot and i want a drink very badly. it went badly right before caesar left, as well. i came back and was starting spaghetti when he got here, and he was all upset, partially because i've been upset all day, and partially because he was so impatient about wanting to go see Her, and he told me that and it cut like a knife, and he said he wanted to get out there between 8:30 and 9 and it was 7:30 and an hour drive and he was all worried that he was going to be late. he's mad about her. and that fucking hurts so bad and it shouldn't be allowed to it should be something that doesn't matter but it fucking hurts so bad. part of it is that i remember when he felt that way about me. and now i'm just a dead albatross. 050517 ... mt looking back at the beginning of this blathe, i was reminded that this was the second time that markus has had serious bad headspace incurred because of her actions. don't growl, misstree, don't growl. gerrrrrr... maybe i should just start packing. 050517 ... mt by the way the dream came true sort of. as soon as they started talking again on sunday, caesar started ignoring me, down to them walking past me linked arms not even looking my way. not that i looked; it was out of the corner of my eye. but dreams of doom really do come true. 050517 ... misstree flees caesar, i'm sorry. i can't do this anymore, i can't be here anymore. i talked to f___, and he and k___ are going to come to town the weekend after next to give me a ride to chicago, and by then i'll have my hancock paycheck and i might be able to get a hundred bucks or so out of my car. i'm not sure that i'm going to go to new orleans yet, i have to look again at my options and try to find something else, but i can't stay. it was one thing that f___ told me to ask myself. it was "what kind of friend is he being to you?" and i don't know how you've transplanted your heart so fast but mine still beats in my chest and so when you are so excited about seeing alice and i no longer exist, it hurts and it doesn't stop hurting. when i had to be the one who comforted you over her on sunday and then you sat cuddling with her when i came back into the bar from clearing my head, i found out what kind of friend you are. i'm not saying that you're a bad person, but at the same time, i'm trying not to sugar coat this. i've been sugar coating things as best i can, hiding the hurt and the negativity as best i can, but it's past the time for that. it's time for everything. i know that it's not been your conscious decisiion to be inconsiderate towards me and to hurt me, and i know that you're in a difficult position yourself. but you dumped me for someone else, so your own pain is self-inflicted. mine doesn't need to be this bad, but you have other priorities than allowing me to be in a healthy headspace. than giving me the support or consideration that a true friend would. yes, that was mean. no more sugar coating. all of it. but the fact is that you have made the situation impossible for me to deal with. at 7:30 dinner was almost ready and you had your panties in a twist because you only had an hour and a half to get somewhere an hour away. because you couldn't wait to be out of my presence and into hers. and you had to share that fact with me. i know it every moment, anyway. i know you well. i love you too much to go through this. just because we aren't We any longer doesn't mean every moment doesn't carry some pain, and logjams are frequent, especially when you're in tears because my replacement is twisting your heart, and knowing that all she has to do is smile and you're her lapdog and waiting to be hurt again. you didn't see the look on your face when you found her in bed with crosby and john. she sure had a thing for you then, huh? and i know that she will always see me as the Other, she will always be uncomfortable with me, and after the shit on sunday i don't know if i will ever be comfortable with her. she really screwed the pooch that night. i'm sorry. now probably isn't the best time to write. never mind. i'll go away and try again later. i've got a week and a half to leave in. 050517 ... Lemon_Soda *HUG**HUG**HUG* "Your happiness is as significant as a tree. Attempt to show me an insignificant tree and you will fail." -anonymous 050518 ... mt i hjate myself so much right now. i'm so broken. i'm brewaking a very important promiuse but i love him too much and it hurts too much and it hurts us both and the only way i can poull the daggers out is to leave and i'm so scared i'm so fucking scared but i have to it's a cliff and i backed myself to it and it's do it or die and i have other promises to keep and those thoughts are too close i'm behind on my medicine but it's so scary it's zombie and i don't hurt as much but i don't Feel as much and that is death but i don;t hurt as much and i know what i want to do and i should go take my medicine no faking like that scizo in new orleans and no guiness either just take it and turn on the tv and try to be okay. but it 's not. i feel like the ugliest monster ever. even icole could feel that black pit. it's no foreign body. it's *me*. i am hell. i hae to leavea again. i have to do it again. goodbye again and all new again and nothing again and even lexapro hates it it bucks like a car pulling too much weight it groans like bending metal and it's all so scary and to omuch but it's a cliff and i am not ready and i have to jump and hte bvest i can hope for is sandran and i won't know about that forever the too late moment she found. i'm so scared. 050519 ... Lemon_Soda When the time you feel the door to happiness has closed before you, remember it has only done that in order that another door to other happiness can open. I would suggest you climb to the top of that bolder blocking your way, and enjoy the view from a different persepctive. *HUG* 050519 ... andru235 misstree_matters 050520 ... misstree sighs first off, caesar, don't read this. you're not allowed in my head anymore. fuck off. i need this space to myself. well then. words haven't come out for a few days, so i'm not quite sure what's in there, but i'm sure that it's not all happy, and that very little of it is in fact anything but majorly stressful. yes, i'm leaving town. fourth place in a year. just not sure where i'm going to go yet. new_orleans has one water brother, but i'm scared of the town itself. i could drink myself to death far too easily there. san_francisco has another water brother, but i haven't spoken to her in a long time. there's another city that i won't mention for reasons of my own with a water brother that recently piped up, and this is being digested and weighed, but is definitely a thought. and then there's the national parks. they kind of scare me because i left before my contract was up last year for a reason. lots of reasons, actually. well, two of them. one is the asshole motherfucker who kicked me in the heart and i need to run away from swiftly and shut my eyes and ears to for a while. so that won't be an issue again. "won't be fooled again." well, yes i will, but not by the same person. the other reason that i left, and in fact why i left a week earlier than intended, was because i couldn't handle working the lunches. the breakfasts were fucked, but i could deal with those. but the geyser rushes. *shudders in horror* see, every 90 minutes, old_faithful would spew. and all these people would get hungry and fill the restraunt and want to be back out on the geyser basin or their tours or whatnot. and we had incompetent kitchen crew, and no one seemed to believe me that the buffet was a good choice. and i had a nervous breakdown at the prospect of having to work lunch the next day, likely also largely because i was waitressing about 50 hours a week and having some other emotional instabilities and a helluva drinking problem. anyway. so the parks are the best option for me, but scary, but that's okay. i would head out to one of these water brother's abodes while i wait for a reply from the parks, but monetarily, i'm not quite sure how to get to thepark in the first place, so i'll probably end up going three hours backwards to hang with my parents if needed, once i get in another week of work and paycheck under my belt. but that means staying in this house another week and a half. and i really really dislike being around markus right now. looking at him just causes me pain. i want to be away. blah. staring this all right in the face is hard, but there's all kinds of people asking how i am and such, and i just want to tell the bare bones once, and anyone who wants to know more can damn well ask. living through it is hard enough without having to root it all up whole and drop it on a plate. and this is just the nuts and bolts, not the emotional reactions to all of this, which, well, i'm not ready to look that part in the face. not in public. thank god for water brothers. just got to spend two days visiting with my high school sweetheart a couple hours south of here, and felt like i could breathe for a little bit. being back here feels like a rope around my neck. okay. i need to stop for now. maybe more later. maybe not. 050524 ... misstree dangles last post on this page. no, no more updates, no more tales of woe from my weird-ass life. at least not until i'm out of here. just know that o my brothers and sisters i am keeping my temper as best i can, and though one little crack has appeared that makes it that i *would* in fact like to not tuck this little shit mother fucker into bed and no longer care about his fucking comfort once i'm gone, i still won't screw him hard, i'm just going to *be* hard. but i'm also recopying words without the writer's permission in this blathe, as my exit from this shit. they're from a petsite, and they might even find this, as i directed them here because i like their words. but i came across this randomly at jsut the right time, i smelled momma's perfume, and i want it kept forever. this is by asaythiel: "REGRET, is wishing to change something, knowing if you would have done something alittle different things would be better. And there will always be "the one that got away", something so close but so far away. Mine gave me my morals, as i watched him fall soo hard. Im sorry, i could have saved u, i live with that. But understanding FATE, is that everything was meant to be that way, and that half second difference was planned. and it will lead you to something better in life, or rather what is destin. "Everything Happens For A Reason", and this you must believe. and knowing this will change your life. Remember that nothing is impossible, except for the clearly possible. And to draw is to settle, going for that draw will get you no where. I look at life and say "why me?", but if not me than i wouldnt be me. And you will never find another me. You on the other hand.... You try, you struggle to fit in, that doesnt make you a person, but a number. You will never be a "me" unless you wake up to this fact. I can not respect a number. RESPECT, something that is the highest compliment given. you will not get this easy from me. And yes, THE WORLD DOES REVOLVE AROUND ME, the world as i know it began with me and will end as i die. HAPPINESS, my goal in life, do what makes you happy, because thats truely what is important. I never realized who i was until i realized i wanted to die, but "I stayed for you, you dont care, now you have left me", now what am i suppose to do? Everything was ok because you told me so, "Its ok, you still have me" you told me(nevermind what reason says). but now i dont have u. Now what do i do? My mind is a truely scarey place, yet it amazes many. Thinking is the root of all true evil. But there is no "evil", just Stupidity. I understand all this, do you? Maybe thats what scares me. This world is nothing more than a game. " 050603 ... Death of a Rose Bloody Brains Matey! GROWL 050603 ... REAListic optimIST welcome home, tree! 050618 ... mt indeed. *unending grin* the race is over. now i build the fort. 050618 ... REAListic optimIST When you're having a bad trip, change it. 141124 ... dafremen Expectations are the enemy. You don't steer the dream, the dream steers you. 141125 what's it to you? who go blather from