dear_god_help_me peyton Today was a decent day. Decent meaning the walls held. The ramparts did not fall. No retreats were forced. Yesterday, was a bad day. Things were/are falling apart at work. 60+ hours a week and things still fall apart. I'm still lonely everyday. Everyday I come home to my empty house, and look at my empty moments, displayed on Kodak paper on the mirror. I see the painted smiles. I see the people standing around me; their arms around me.. holding me.. smiling with me. They don't even know who I am. I checked my email. No new messages, the computer said. Not even a porno junk mail. I didn't know whether to let the walls down enough to let the pain in. Pain is my only companion today, so I should let her in from the cold for at least a few hours. She told me to wait, that she would come soon. So I wait here numb, leaking words and soul onto a soulless computer integrated box. I got a package in from Ada today. She's the girl/woman who thinks she can't live without me. The box took three weeks to get here from the states. She sent me a red teddy bear and cookies. The cookies I won't eat because they are hard. The bear won't see any intimate time with me because honestly I'm not a teddy bear person. I read over some of my old posts. I remarked at the simplistic elegance of some, the sheer idiocy of others. Even now I wonder if I should post this under Alexander. I'm off from work tomorrow. My friend Justin and I were supposed to go snowboarding again. He cancelled. He said he was watching a movie and that I should come over for a bit to hang out. I told him I might. I won't. I thought about playing some hearts online via Yahoo!. I don't think I will. I found myself longing for a letter from Rhin, or Sintina from this site. I met Rhin through Blather, Sintina is a long time high school friend. I read some of Sin's posts. I generally didn't like them. They were too happy. Hold on.. I'll go put on some music. Soundgarden.. Black Hole Sun.. There was a new girl at work today. She was very attractive. I looked at her eyes and she looked away. She had a disgusted look on her lips as she replayed my face in her mind. I wanted to scream out loud. I didn't. I pictured how it would feel to fall on a sword, like the legionnares of old. It seems like a very romantic way to commit suicide. "Black hole sun.. won't you come.. and wash away the rain.. Black Hole Sun.. won't you come.. won't you come.." Still I'm lonely today. The look on the faces of the happy people felt like shards of ice. So the hot boiling anger countered their ice. But they saw none of the conflict.. Dear God help me.. 010118 ... how would i know? fell_on_black_days awareness that if nothing else, fucking_up is always there for me to fall back on 010118 ... peyton It's a little after three a.m. I just got home because Steve and Justin dragged me out to the bars downtown. They are small bars, because everything in this God-forsaken country is. And like everything else, it's predominantly male. We bumped into Stacy, a guy that Steve works with. He was drunk. He was bragging that he got one of the locals pregnant and he only had to pay four hundred dollars to get it aborted. I wanted to punch him. He began to talk about how spending that much money set him back for a while. "Think about how the baby feels," said I. He proceeded to make fun of me then, me and my career. I got pretty angry and said some more hurtful things, and since I am smarter than he is, he shut up. He proceeded to go on about more of his conquests with women around the area. He was quite proud of himself. He's just recently been promoted at work as well. Guys like that make me sick. Guys like that create the women that have made me so bitter. Stacy is also engaged. His fiancee lives on the very southern tip of the island.. about 3 hours away on a plane. He says he cares about her. I asked him would he tell her about the local he got pregnant. "Fuck no!" he said. It figures. My room is bathed in blacklight. I've got two four foot bulbs hanging from either side of the room. The stars on the walls are glowing very brightly in the light. It makes a melancholy atmosphere. Feels appropriate. I'm out of Tortilla chips. I'm going to bed soon, people in the states will just be waking up. My mother.. my father.. my sister.. Nikki.. every other umpteenth ex girlfriend I've had in my life. Except Jennifer, and she's where Stacy's fiancee lives. How quaint. Someone remind me to buy more Tortilla chips tomorrow. 010119 ... god o.k. 010119 ... peyton Oh today.. the hills and valleys.. The depths and the heights.. the pleasures and the pains.. I stayed up late the night before writing email to a certain nameless someone. I finally snuggled into my satin sheets about 7am. The sun burned from under the cracks in the curtains. It was angry. It wanted me to notice it was there. I told the sun I was tired and had a headache, and then I rolled over. It seemed to understand, but hated to be told no. I woke up at 1:30p.m. Checked the inbox again.. nothing. I turned on 'Wait and Bleed' by Slipknot and played it so loud I took a picture off the wall. It didn't seem too happy. I cut my finger picking up the glass on the floor, as the song continued to blare on. It seemed ironic to me, considering the song title and what I'd just done. I'd first waited, and now I'd bled. I shivered considering the depth of that statement and it's realism. At 1500 (3p.m.) I went to work. Working nights is different.. it seems like you live on a different planet. Most people sleep when you are the most productive. 80% of your day is spent in the darkness. You and the sun are no longer on speaking terms. I snuck off my job and went home for a little bit to check my inbox again. No new messages, said the computer. However she was online, and I had the most stimulating.. REAL.. conversation that I'd had in months. I spent the rest of the night turning her over in my mind.. trying to unlock the puzzle box of my emotions. I wasn't successful. I went home around midnight and checked the inbox for my 3rd time. Again I felt nothing. "I felt the air rise up in me.. I walked around where you can't see.. inside my shell I wait and breathe.." She will read this here, eventually. I don't know what exactly to say. I'm not angry, or even disappointed. I'm in the kind understanding phase of the infatuation. You know, where your feelings play to the advantage of the person whom you care for. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, advocating for their behalf.. fighting off the doubts.. "I walked around where you can't see.. inside my shell I wait to breathe.." I simply can't get enough of this song. I simply cannot. I played it a million times in my head at work today. I really can't explain it. In conclusion.. My heart is bleeding again.. I can feel it. I'm trying to stop it.. but I can't. And for the life of me I don't know why. I just feel it running down my chest.. I taste the blood in my mouth.. I know what's happening.. I don't know if I can take it again.. Dear God help me.. 010121 ... god hold on, dude. grit you're teeth and enjoy the ride. you don't really have much of a choice. 010121 ... god you're?? i meant "your". that's what i get for trying to get clean. 010121 ... Sintina Too happy. Perhaps. I rarely read my blathes in an aftermath sort of way. I want to email you every minute of everyday sometimes, but I have no computer and cannot. Your answering machine is broken or something. It didn't pick up the last three times I tried to call. I bought a new phone card for the purpose of talking to you and making your days brighter and hearing you laugh, and talking about old things and old ways. If there is nothing in the inbox, send me a line chastisizing me for my lack of commitment. I enjoy hearing anything from you. It lets me know you haven't broken both your legs in a snowboarding accident. I found a way around the crap at work. I can blather again. I'm skipping a class right now to answer your blathe. I can't wait to see you again. Maybe I don't even know who you are, as you claim no one does, but you say I know you better than anyone. And I care about the PAN I know. Whether I know just another shining shield hiding the true warrior beneath or not. I will call again tonight. And again tommorrow, to see if you are alive and well. Why do I worry so much about you when you were the one that hurt me once? I can't let someone as meaningful to my life as you go. I can't let you let yourself go. Dear God Help Me... 010122 ... god do you want help? 010122 ... peyton Dear God.. help me.. Help me be the man Rhin needs. Help me be the man that can stand beside her for all time, so that I can be healed by her light. Help me not want.. help me not run.. help me not to push when the pain is blinding. Help me to forever hold her hand. Help me forget my fortress, help me drain the wells of anger. Help me be purified. Help me help myself. Help me be strong. Help me have courage. Help me stay true to your name. Help me fight the demons from my soul. Help me from breaking down when the evil fills my eyes. Help me when the sky turns red, and the walls turn black. Help Rhin love me.. dear God it will be hard for her. Help us cope with the distance.. help me wait for her. Help us be together. Put us in your palm and shelter us, let us be healed. Dear God help me.. 010126 ... god o.k. 010126 ... peyton I can feel the cold metal against my temple.. I don't know what kind of metal it is.. It's so shiny.. so beautiful. I suppose if I thought to, I could give this to someone as a gift. My skin is so hot.. it feels so good.. I rub it over my eyes.. I feel the metal warm because of my heat... I wish I was colder.. As I look directly into the face of this object.. it looks almost blue.. a pretty blue.. a nice blue.. a blue that I'd like to see if I were about to die. I see this thing, I think of my family.. I think of what they would think of me if they saw me now.. I can't ignore this.. it feels so good to pretend like I can release. It's just my watch.. my head lies in my arms.. I feel the metal band against my face.. it has a blue face.. like me. I feel guilty for twisting my poor watch's identity into something macabre. Dear God Help Me..... 010222 ... god go out and rent a movie called "the jerk". 010222 ... kx21 And show me the way how to locate you, And tell me the way how to help you, And ... And the best person who can help you other than You is none other than NOTHING... 010222 ... peyton I'm not talking about 'god' as in the blather entity.. I'm talking about the deity.. Please have respect for my rantings, 'god.' 010222 ... god http://groups.yahoo.com/group/LaughingMadcaps/files/MinglingJets%26StatuesqueCartoon.jpg c'mon. how's about a little respect for yourself. you are god. both of you. 010222 ... TalviFatin Dear God, Help Me Kill You. 010724 ... r Oh no not another one. 010724 ... god in an oven in milwaukee i'll stick my head in this oven while you turn on the gas and stuff up the cracks! 010725 ... The Truth DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP ME. Help me to be patient while enduring the ugly graffity spray-painted on blather's many beautifully painted murals. Help me to forgive the ignorance that runs as freely as rabid dogs around here. Help me to grow and expand my consciousness and totality. Help me to be me. Thanks! 010725 ... . ditto 010725 ... dB I take it you are reffering to my graffiti. Ok, in keeping with the tone of this thing: Dear God, help me. Give me the strength to perservere through the lies and distorted truths of today. Grant me the courage to speak my mind and not to give in to the temptaion to deceive. Grant me the wisdom to understand others, and accpt them for who they are even if they don't accept me as such. Give me the kindness that I long for so that I may give it to those without. Grent me silence, for it is the quiet ones who change the world. 010726 ... dB P.S: Please get someone to design a keyboard the I can touch type on without having to wait for the keys to come up again so I make stupid errors. 010726 ... The Truth (actually Db, I wasn't refering to you at all, or anyone who has put an ounce of effort into making this place artistic. No, You have painted many beatiful murals, like that one right above this, and many others.) 010726 ... peyton ::sighs:: ::takes a long relieved breath, the breath of one coming home after a long day.. finding solace in the emptiness that belongs to oneself, knowing that this place is one word..:: "Home.." "I am still living with your ghost.." I'm so weary today. Lots of work. Taking charge and running the shop when no one else could.. being trusted by the powers that be to keep the train on the tracks.. Getting the sullen looks from those who outrank me, even though I was put in charge.. it's enough to make someone smug. "Breathe it in.. and breathe it out.. and pass it on.. it's almost out.. We're so creative, so much more... we're high above.. but on the floor.." I can't get comfortable in this chair. "The deeper you stick it in your veins.. the deeper the thought there's no more pain.." I want to sleep, but I've slept so much lately. What does it mean when you sleep and you don't feel rested? "It's over now.. I'm cold, alone.. I'm just a person.. on my own.. nothing means a thing to me.. oh nothing means.. a thing.. to me.." Gosh I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow.. So much going on this week.. "Free me.. leave me.. Watch the edge, I'm going down.. and free me.. save me.. look at me I'm fallin in.. I'm fallin.." I wonder if it would be good to transfer and work with Paul and Bob out on the line. They seem much nicer than Tim and Calder back in the shop.. ::sigh:: "I'm not an addict.. that's the lie.." There are people out there I'd like to apologize to.. I feel so guilty sometimes.. I suppose now is one of those times. Still.. being home is nice now.. "Life is overwhelming.. heavy is the head that wears the crown.." I suppose it's good to have a head that runs like a jukebox, relating every detail to a song lyric. God my feet hurt. Tried to call Rhin, didn't get an answer, or a machine. It worried me a bit. Fuck this world. ::swoosh goes the mood trapeze:: "You ruin everything.. you kept fucking with me.." "Just think about it.. you'll get it.." Wow its been a long day. Dear God help me through the night.. and the week to come.. ::coughs:: "I'm sure.. you heard it all before, but you never really had a doubt.." Good night.. Dear God help me.. I'm falling in.. 011028 ... Rhinna i miss him i'm here i called he sleeps his voice so sweet i love him it burns i hurt too much space my fault dear god help me can i fly 011028 ... bb email? 011028 ... peyton I can't say who she is I won't I saw her today for the first time today. She didn't know I was there. She looked at me with those placid dead eyes, and she breeched the walls that quickly. They hissed and burned and cracked and bled. I wanted to put my head through the wall and try to hide. I wanted to scramble against the tile and try to climb until my fingernails broke and bled. She looked like Sara, Matt's Sara. Except she wasn't a natural blonde, I don't think. I could be wrong. In a split second I saw her pain. In a split second I knew she could hold my strings, she could make me dance. She could breech me. She could get inside me. This cannot be. I won't let this happen. I turned away. I ran. I wanted to shriek. I couldn't. But I did run. I ran far far from her. I went to a place she will never look.. I went inside me. I'm still shaking. Shaking in terror, shaking in fear. It was like confronting a vampire that was twirling a cross across her fingers. I felt like I had no salvation. I am so cold now. I must forget her face. I must forget her silent siren song. Why is this happening to me......................................................................... I know that I'm not going to be loved. At least, right now I don't see it. If it weren't for the flames of the walls today, I don't know where I'd be. She might control me.. She might be inside right now. I might be already in the chains. I can't let that happen. I won't. I can't. I just have to make it through the day and never ever go back to that place again. I will never ever go to that place again. I will never see her photos on the walls of her place.. I will never again marvel at her creations. I will never let the enemy so close to the gates again. I will be more careful. I can't stop shaking now... Already I feel it. I feel her calling me back. I know she will come to me again.. I can't let her know. I must keep up the facade. I must not relent. I must not tire. I will toss hot burning anger on the seeds that were fostered. I won't let them grow. I will be strong and I will live. I will run, and I will hide, and I won't go through this again. Dear God help me.. help the walls stand fast.. 011216 ... cube dear God; (after gratitude) grant us the gift of humility that our souls might once again feel Thy presence. (all things will be set right again) ... 011216 ... peyton Seems I come here often. To be honest it's the only place on Blather I feel like is me really. The only place I have truly exercised the blather_vision. It's 9:50 p.m. December 22, a Saturday. My friends are all out partying/drinking/etc. I sit here at home, alone, with no solace in companions or alcohol. Why am I being reclusive today? Well I'm not. It seems everyone paired up today, and I was the odd man out. They all went their separate ways, and I was not invited. So here I sit, passing the time in my room alone. I snowboarded today. Justin, Adam, Tony and I all went to Appi, and I think I'm getting better. Adam pissed me off, as usual, and unfortunately Justin seemed to desire his company more than mine. So my best friend here decided that he will spend the evening with someone else, and that's fine too. He is his own person, and all that. I hate being alone. I hate being alone on the holidays. I hate being alone on 9:53 p.m. on a Saturday. I just hate being alone. I wonder what it is about me that people find unappealing. I'm normal looking, I don't have any glaring defects.. I don't stutter or pick my nose when people are looking. So why am I alone now? Why am I listening to old Elvis Presley records on a Saturday night? Why don't I have anyone to share myself with right now? Is anyone out there? Really? I mean, is it just a nameless black void off in the distance? I feel kind of pathetic right now. I shouldn't be whining about my sad little life. I should be out finding a new life. I should be making myself happy, not waiting for it to drop in my lap. So where does one go to shop for a new life? A club? A bar? Obviously the lives sold there are not the ones I'm interested in. So where do you go? Where do somewhat intelligent, non-drinking, non-smoking, caring people who aren't interested in one night stands go for fun? Is there a place for that? Is there a beatnik coffee house where I can go and listen to someone read poetry and then snap my fingers really loud afterwards? If there is, I've never been there. Do you want to know something else funny? My car is broken. So I can't drive anywhere to relieve my stress. I'm stuck here. I'm stuck in this gilded cage until someone takes my hand and pulls me out. Do I think anyone will grab my hand anytime soon? Probably not. Do I think anyone will read this who will give just a little shit about all I've just written? Probably not. I'm just a name to them. I'm just a little word at the bottom of a screen on a computer in someone's corner. Well that's not true. I am a person. I'm a real, living, breathing person who is sitting in a chair not unlike one that adorn rooms all over the world, and I feel like my heart is breaking. I feel like my heart is breaking. I would give almost anything to have someone who really loves me, or cares about me, or wants to even hear a word I have to say walk through my door right now. I would give almost anything. I may beseech the heavens, "Dear God help me," but I doubt my door will open by anyone's hand but my own for a very long long time. And that to me, is a small tragedy. It's a tragedy my life is wasted so. Perhaps I didn't have all that much to offer after all. Perhaps no one will ever take my hand again. 011222 ... cube Peyton, The puzzle to me is where on earth you are writing from. I'm reading this on December 22 at 8:20am EST while your post defines the time as December 22 9:50pm. You must be west of the international date line. The reference to snowboarding Yappi (mountain?) didn't turn up anything in a quick search. Sherlock would have known right away. Anyway, whoever it was that said "Saturday night is the loneliest night of the week" must have been searching for a mate. After that frenetic phase in your life, you'll come to enjoy Saturday nights as the first chance you've had all week to slow down. I can almost guarantee you that God is not going to send someone through that door. If, on the other hand, you were to ask God to use you to do His work, i'm pretty sure you would find yourself in the company of exciting people. If not this Saturday night (short notice), then perhaps the next ... 011222 ... peyton Cube, I'm in Japan. 14+ hours from CST. The ski loft is Appi. - Peyton 011222 ... peyton dear dar(lin') your mom (my friend) left a message on my machine she was frantic saying you were talking crazy that you wanted to do away with yourself I guess she thought i'd be a perfect resort because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth and yes they're in shock they are panicked you and your chronic them and their drama you this embarrassment us in the middle of this delusion if we were our bodies if we were our futures if we were our defenses i'd be joining you if we were our culture if we were our leaders if we were our denials i'd be joining you I remember vividly a day years ago we were camping you knew more than you thought you should know you said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed" and you were mindboggling you were intense you were uncomfortable in your own skin you were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful if we were our nametags if we were our rejections if we were our outcomes i'd be joining you if we were our indignities if we were our successes if we were our emotions i'd be joining you you and i we're like four year olds we want to know why and how come about everything we want to reveal ourselves at will and speak out minds and never talk small and be intuitive and question mightily and find god my tortured beacon we need to find like-minded companions if we were their condemnations if we were their projections if we were our paranoias i'd be joining you if we were our incomes if we were our obsessions if we were our afflictions i'd be joining you we need reflection we need a really good memory feel free to call me a little more often 020201 ... peyton I've been coming here for a year. Fucking huzzah. Long live the place I know.. Leave me here to weep.. I am death. I am alone. I am nothing. I am everything. I am dignity. I am honor. I am vengeance. I am misunderstood. I am unique. I am like everything else. I am not okay. I am alone. I am alone. I am not okay. I am out the window. I am dying. I am bloodstains. I am feelings gone. I am feelings now. I am not here. I am gone. I am not them. I am not him. I am never there. I am always here. I am overworked. I am underappreciated. I am misunderstood. I am not okay. I am burning. I am love. I am fire. I am alone. I am in the bedroom. I am drinking. I am on fire. I am not there. I am here for you. I am there for you. I am morality. I am virtue. I am faith. I am love, burning. I am not what they want. I am not what they know. I am not what they understand. I am not fit. I am not understood. I am not there. I am not worth being here. I am not going to know anything. I am not going to be. I want to conquer the world. I want to know peace. I want to have a important death. I want to speak so loud you can't hear a word I say. I can't sway temptation. I am not smart. I am not intelligent. I can't create. I can't bring you anything you don't already have. I want to give them all a new religion. I want to end poverty. I want to bring forth doves. I want to burn down oil tankers. I want to smash all the glass. I want to be healed. Please touch me. Please bring me back hope. Please make me ice cream. Promote what I love. Promote what I need. Be there when I cry. Touch my face and love me too. Don't let me bleed. I want to know it all. I want to taste it all. I want to know the truth. I want to hear you cry. I want to lick your face free of tears. I want to see the whispers. I am ugly. I am broken. I am on my knees. I am strong. I am tolerant. I won't know anything ever again. I can't stop feeling. I will beg. I will grovel. I will have no pride left. I feel insecure. I feel never. I feel always. I know infinity. I know hatred. I know the outside. I know the inside. I am transparent. I am a prism. I am a monster. I am hated. I am cherished. I am admired. I am nothingness. I am fucking disgusting. I am an angel. I am cheered. I am spit at. I am owned. I am a possession. I am a worthless fucking liar. I am a patron saint of truth. I am numb. I am orgasmic. I am little labeled bottles of ecstasy. I am bubbling. I sometimes can taste good. I sometimes burn like fire. I sometimes destroy. I sometimes create. I sometimes give myself all away. I am hollow. I am nothing. I want to be you. I want to know it all. I want to be inside. I want to know all your treasures. I want to see your secrets. I want to secure it all inside me. I want to make the emptiness of me be you. I feel so much pain. I am mad. I am a genius. I am dead. I am lying on my side bleeding. I am an infant. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I can't live. I can't die. I am a God. I am immortal. I am in heaven. I am a cockroach. I am a weed. I cannot be contained. I cannot be regulated. I cannot be put on a schedule. I am not fucking routine. I am unpredictable. I am pessimistic. I am yours to command. I am your master. I have an appetite. I love you. I am no good. I am a raven. I am segmented. I am made of cement. I am so needy. I am so spineless. I am not fit to lay a hand upon you. I am so dirty. I am so needy. I need you. I love your robes. I love your face. I love your taste. I love your pain. I love your torture. I love your thrills. I love your healing. I love your consumption. I love you. I burn. I have to go. Call me tomorrow.. 020201 ... peyton I am back. I ask you again. I need it. I need you. I can't make my mind up. I can't get here on time. I can't die. I can't be there. I am too weak to stop. I can't say yes. I can't admit defeat. I can't strike the colors. I can't know destruction. I can't let them win. I can't do this. I can't be what I want. I can't be what they want. I can't live my dream. I can't be loved by millions. I can't have groupies. I can't be a fucking slob. I can't be cheerful right now. I can't be helpful, fuck off. I can't be your chipper side of beef. I can't be soothed. I can't change lanes. I can't drive straight. I can't drive and have sex. I can't dance worth a shit. I can't say what I want to say right now. I can't say this and explode. I can't make magic.. I can't procreate with a fireball. I can't make sense. I can't know what you really mean. I can't stop mumbling. I can't get out of work. I can't bring you coffee. I can't wake you up. I can't not hate it when they tell me I can. I want to hurt. I love my pain. I love my despair. I am betrothed to heartbreak. I am married to despair. I am wed to bitterness. I am the children of disregard. I am beaten by my father. I am abused by my mother. I am hated by my sister. I am idolized by my brother. I am someone's hero. I am someone's villain. I can burn down your fucking house. I can be your big bad wolf. I can hide with you and make you safe. I am mad. I am your particular brand of ice cream. I like it here. I look at you in the supermarket. I run from you in the parking lot. I hear you talk to me in my sleep. I destroy your voice like an annoying bee. I think of you my toilet. I think of you my disease. I think of you my destination. I don't think I can make it. I think I am lost. I think I am so afraid of you. I think I am a liar. I think I am forgotten. I think I am a puppet. I think I am your fucking master. I think your strings look good on my fingers. I think you should like it when I tell you hello. I think I need you more than life. I think you are my obsession. I think you are the way I want to be. I think I need reform. I think I need a revolution. I used to be a little boy. I used to love goats. I used to make the wrong choices. I used to make all the right choices. I used to be in love. I used to be touched everyday. I used to have action figures. I used to be greedy. I used to love the way the sun burned my skin. I used to lust. I used to cry myself to sleep. I used to listen to my elders. I used to be spineless. I used to be innocent. I used to have a soul. I used to own the keys. I used to guard the doors. I used to have something of value. I used to have my purity. I used to have what I needed. I used to be safe. I used to be needed. I used to be a killer. I used to be a liar. I used to be touchable soft and winter fresh. I am little acid drops of bleach. I am wonderous specks of rainbows. I am the dreams you want to come to life. I am what you want. I am this, a number of times. I am your drugs without your damage. I am your emotions without your baggage. I am what you wished you could be again. I am your escape to the windows of fantasy. I am your surrender. I am your ticket back home. I am your way to where I see you really. I am what they don't know. I am reaching out. I am the freight train that will destroy your life. I am the intensity that burns me through tables. I am the hot pitch in your eyes. I am boiling in your sockets. I am the way life should be. I am frigidly cold. I need your arms. I need your blanket. I need you. I need you again. I need you with me. I need to be inside you again. I need to be with you again. I need life again. I need to leave again. I need to be higher. I need to be alive. I need to find somewhere else to sleep. I need to close my windows. I need to get my fucking car fixed. I need to make you mine again. I need to know what you really mean. I need to skip the small talk. I need to forget about foreplay. I need to make myself strong for you. I need to hold you up so you can breathe. I need to give my life to you. I need to save you. I want to know all of you. I want to know your name. I want you to move out of the way, please. I hate your manners. I hate your courtesy. I hate you. I want you to leave me alone. I wish you were dead. I wish your family would end your life. I wish I could breathe underwater. I wish I knew when the time was coming. I wish I was mature. I wish I could sing. I wish I knew a nice language. I wish I had talent. I wish someone would go out with me. I wish someone would wipe my brow with a wet towelette. I am the head of the class. I was that jerk who beat you. I am the fall that broke your leg. I am a catch. I am popular. I am the party star. I am attractive. I am well endowed. I am nothing to you, am I? I don't even know your name. I have to stop. But you feel so good there.. don't leave.. 020201 ... darwin is your god he doesnt exist. how can something help you if it isnt there. 030219 ... endless desire peyton--um well ditto. 030620 ... god dear god help me move is all i ever hear 030620 ... me ditto 030624 ... endless desire because i can't help myself 030624 ... god me neither. who do i get to go to for help? christ! 040916 ... Nukemall Aw...cheer up god buddy, I've always got a shoulder for you! 040916 ... harlot god, you're sexy. 040916 ... god i'm too sexy for my pepsi 040928 what's it to you? who go blather from