ask_schleiffen_man The Schleiffen Man this is where you can ask me anything, and i'll answer tot he best of my ability. MollyGoLightly has turned me into a blathering idiot so I check the "who" page at least 20 times a night. All comments made are my own (unless someone posts under my name) and I take no responsiblity for the damage the answer may do to you or other. Do not bend, fold, staple, mutilate or otherwise desecrate these answers without my verbal permission or the advice of a squirrel, whichever is easiest to get. 000525 ... Brad Dear Schlieffen man: where might i find a giant skating rink? --Melting in Memphis 000525 ... MollyGoLightly Dear schleiffen man, How do I know if I'm anemic? --passing out in you know where 000525 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear Brad: The giant rink which you searchf or is to be found where there is a demand for skating. I don't know any specifics, except for that during hockey season you can skate at the Coast Coliseum in Biloxi. Signed, Me 000525 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear Molly: After searching and researching (ha!), I've found lots of information here (http://my.webmd.com/content/dmk/dmk_article_40002) concerning anemia. Good luck and eat more red meat. ;) Signed, Me 000525 ... the insanity of grendel Dear Schleiffen Man I didn't feed them or pay them any attention, but the fist_kittens won't go away and they keep pounding on my door "mew-BAANG!, mew-BaNG!" whatever shall i do? signed Dust Devil 000525 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear Dust Devil: The first course of action you must take is to NOT PANIC! Fist_kittens can sense fear. Once they smell it in you they will attack relentlessly. As for making them go away, you must confront them and be stern. You must tell them in a clear, loud voice to "Stop it!" and explain to them that they "Mustn't dood it" or else they will never develop a sense of morality. If you want them to saty, then hug them and squeeze them and pet them but don't name them George. They hate that. Signed, Me 000526 ... grasshopper Dear Schleiffen Man, Why does the Mayan calendar end in 2012? Why do mystics think the world as we know it is going to end? Are we really going to free ourselves and let our spirits soar or is there going to be some kind of event that wipes us off the map so we can start anew? Also, what kind of car should I buy? I'm thinking about a station wagon, hatchback, or suv but it has to be used, reliable, and under $2000. Thanks, grasshopper 000526 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear grasshopper: After thinking long and hard about your first question, I have come to the conclusion that the Mayan calendar ends at 2012 because they figured by the time we got there, someone else would have made a new hyper accurate calendar system to replace theirs. How wrong they were.... As for your second question, I would suggest a Chevy Astrovan, Ford Explorer, or Jeep Cherokee. I own a 1989 Chevy Astrovan that has run like a dream since my parents bought it new. For the four years I've had it, I've gone through 2 accidents and it still looks nice. And it's great for hauling things. I have a few friends who drive older Explorers that they bought used, and they've run well to my knowledge with one exception. We think the one exception is possessed. Jeep Cherokees, on the other hand, are quite nice. The older ones are a bit boxy, but newer ones have a sleek look. I'm probably going to go with a Jeep Cherokee when the Schleiffenmobile dies. Hope this is any sort of help. Signed, Me 000526 ... The Schleiffen Man I'd like to thanks those of you who have participated. Keep them questions rolling. 000526 ... The Schleiffen Man I'd also like to note that in that last post, I sounded like a three-year-old. 000526 ... Brad Dear Schlieffen Man: Why did my 1994 Ford Explorer catch on fire and melt with me in it? Was I the one example to which you were referring in your earlier post? If not, then you must take it into consideration. --Blue Blazes Brad 000526 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear Brad: I did not know of your experience. It will fall into the "Bad Explorer" category to keep Mitch company. Thanks for the info. Signed, Me 000526 ... yolanda Dear Schleiffen Man what were the skies like when you were young? who is going to be the next President of the United States of America? What's with three_words? You may answer two out of the three questions. From, AnotherOne 000528 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear yolanda: The skies, when I was young, were a place filled with wonder. Now they are where my future resides. Only the skies know where I'll go and what I'll be. And someday they'll share that with me. The next President of the United States of America will be a natural born citizen over the age of 35. That was easy. As for your last question, my three_words post was a product of braingstorming and brainfarting at the same time. The neurolightening sparked in the neuromethane and created a small fire that burned until I doused it with stupidity. As for the rest of the three_words posts, I have no clue. Until next time..... Signed, Me 000528 ... queenmab Dear Schleiffen Man How Come no one has heard of the movie "Forbidden Zone" by Richard Elfman? --Queen Mab 000529 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear Queen Mab: It seems that in this day and age, not too many people are fans of sci-fi musicals. No matter how many Elfmans are in them. For those of you who don't know, Forbidden zone is, and I take this from the IMDB [www.imdb.com], the story of "[a] French midget king of the sixth dimension, complete with his two battling wives and a slew of topless concubines, capture unwitting commoners, including Squeezit Henderson the Chicken Boy." It also features Danny Elfman (my favourite Hollywood composer) as Satan. All I can say is "WOW." I salute you Queen Mab. My eyes have been opened to another treasure of the human film world. Signed, Me 000530 ... The Schleiffen Man Also, since I forgot to mention it in the first part, I'll mention it now. The movie starts Hervé Villechaize. THat's right. It's Tattoo from Fantasy Island. Except this time he's kicking ass and taking prisoners. He also has memorable lines like "I loved to feel your nipples harden when I caress them with my fingertips." Until then, sleep sweetly children. Signed, Me 000530 ... The Schleiffen Man Another day, another dollar.... This marks the 18th day of my new summer job working for the government. I'm called a computer technician, but in real life I just do what they need. "Sweep out the newly evacuated offices? Sure." "Help move the office across the hall to a new room in the building? Whatever." So long as my paycheck hits my account Thursday night like it's supposed to, I don't care what I do. I am not defined by my labors. At least my paid ones. Sometimes I actually get to work on computers. I love working on them, but I guess their computers don't break enough for me to fix them all the time. Sounds like a sweet job to me. I like it alot. So I ask you, the tax payers (or people who should be), do you approve of me watching over the technological safety of your United States Air Force? 000615 ... Shar Dear Schleiffen Man, Eh? Sincerely, Shar 000615 ... The Schleiffen Man Judging from your reply, I assume you are Canadian and are therefore not a threat to me. =P 000615 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Man: 1. Did you know that today (July 1st) was Canada Day? 2. Tell me how old Canada is now! 3. What should I do about all the "simplistic wannabe rebels"? 4. Has my course of action thus far been effective in regards to that? 5. Why must everyone refer to me as "cute"? Signed, little kanadian girl 000702 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, I did not know that July 1st was Canada Day because it's not one of MY federal holidays. =P I don't know it's age either, but don't feel bad cause I don't know the age of most sovreign countries on the globe either, America included. As for your simplistic wannabe rebels, try to teacht ehm the ways of your kindness and if they won't follow suit then, smite them. That's what i always do. Nothing works better to set an example than a smiting. Your actions are excellent so far, just don't take no shit offa no body. You're referred to as cute because you are, send me more pictures and i'll find more exotic words to describe you. Signed, Me 000702 ... klarchen Dear Dr. Schleiffen, Why is it that baby ducks are so damn "cute"? Signed, little kanadian girl 000702 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, baby ducks are more of a nuisance than they are cute. They hold up traffic, add to noise pollution, and are a threat to our capitalist environment. Period. Signed, Me p.s. haha 000702 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Man: What should a student do if his/her professor thinks that one of his students is "cute"? signed, traumatized pupil 000702 ... klarchen ps: uber-traumatized pupil. 000703 ... The Schleiffen Man dear klarchen, if you're the traumatized pupil, just let the person know what's going down. be on the level with them and all will go smoothly. Signed, Me 000703 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Man, Do people in Mississippi have "accents"? Like do Mississippian people say such things like "y'all" and stuff like that? Since I am Kanadian I have really no clue when it comes to things like "accents". After all Kanadians do not have any "accents". (i think) Signed, little Kanadian girl 000704 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, Unfortunately, accents strike apporximately 4 of every 5 people in Mississippi. Whether it's the Slow Southern Drawl or the fast hick speak, it afflicts 80% of the population. I have escaped this mostly unharmed, although i must use words like "y'all" in order to communitcate better with the indigenous peoples of the land. Some Kanadians have accents, i promise... if you say no then i don't know what you're talking aboot ya hoser. Signed, Me 000704 ... bownan note to schleiffen man; how about a 'Hall of accents' on the plan page... just a little sound file to accompany the bio... then we'll really see who sounds funny... 000704 ... The Schleiffen Man dear bownan, interesting theory, but flawed in general. we here in the shcleiffen plan are masters of disguise, hence our time travel missions always succeed. we can disguise our voices and be from virtually anywhere. Signed, Me p.s. remind me later to tell you about our adventures with guns'n'roses 000704 ... The Schleiffen Man pps. we also can't spell when we get tired 000704 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Man, Did you know that your plan is multplying like cute bunnies? Yes, your plan was the first to appear after a search engine search for "Schleiffen Plan" on MSN. Yes, it even was listed before the "actual" schleiffen plan itself. One more question. If I am supposed to be an evil villian, then what in the heck am I supposed to do about that? Signed, Konfused Villaness 000704 ... noone dear schleiffen man, why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near? me 000704 ... The Schleiffen Man dear klarchen, i find it highly amusing that my page ranks first in MSN's search. many a history report will be tainted by my webpage, and that makes me smile. as a villain, what the heck are you supposed to do about what? just sit there and look pretty until i've pondered my next move. 000704 ... The Schleiffen Man dear noone, It's a side affect from my days as a biology experimenter. One day i was doused in highly ornithoptic chemicals that make me smell like fresh bird seed. To this day, i can't go to Central Park. 000704 ... The Schleiffen Man both of those.... Signed, Me 000704 ... silentbob Dear Schleiffen Man How can i pass the time, waiting for 11 months to end so i can finally be with my girlfriend in an unauthoritative manner? so we can be free, in other words. feel free to email me at bobbyevers@hotmail.com and/or visit my website @ http://www.angelfire.com/ia/silentbob/index.html 000704 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear silentbob, Your question is a doozy. Passing time is something I am coping with as well. I'm looking at a 4 year wait at minimum before I can possibly marry the lady I adore at the moment (should we last that long). What we've done is take a more laid back approach. We're less serious and more open now. We can see other people, but for the time being, we choose not to. I admit that I fought this tooth and claw all the way, but now I'm a happier man for it. At least I think so. That's not a suggestion, just an example. Maybe you should sit down and formulate a plan. A silent plan. Learn some html (as i see you have) and start a new webpage. Anything to take your eyes and heart off the wristwatch of eternity. 000704 ... Mika i thought i had something to ask you when i called up this page... but it turns out that i think i don't. So instead i'll ask a question that i earlier had no intention of asking you. Where can i find a good color printer/ fax/copier/scanner all in one online?? If i don't find an answer soon my mother may skewer me and i shall never fulfill my dream of moving out of my house. Twould be a sad sad day. Thanks much Mika 000705 ... The Shcleiffen Man dear mika, check out www.pricewatch.com for a search engine of unfathomable use! click on printers (under the Output category) and then choose multifunction. It will sort the finds by price. After that, you make the call my man. Signed, Me 000705 ... erin can you think of an (extremely) temporary job that i can get for my last month of summer? i'm a college student who lives in a miserably small town, and i'm bored out of my mind. i have to go back to school in mid-august, but i need to pick up some cash. have any suggestions on who would hire such temporary help? 000709 ... klarchen Dear Schlieffen Man: Is there any difference(s) between the terms, "cool" and "kool"? This is a question I have pondered many a time. Yes, for some reason I am attracted to "kool" as opposed to "cool" rrrrr..... What is going on here? Signed, Kooly Konfused 000710 ... Brad I always thought Kool was a brand of menthol cigarettes. That's just me. my $.02 000710 ... MollyGoLightly my soon-to-be-ex-stepdad once said to me: "i smoked so much when i was younger, i thought cool was spelled with a K." 000710 ... The Schleiffen Man dear klarchen, along with the other opinions offered here, i throw this into the mix. the 'k' spelling of cool is broiught about by an innate sense of rebellion. "Oh this'll show everyone how Kool i am. i smoke AND i spell words differently!" or maybe someone already owns the trademarked name of "Cool." Just my .02 Signed, Me 000710 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Man: Does Danny Boy like pumpkin pies? Signed, Pumpkinpiewithice-kreamontop 000714 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, I don't know of daniel's relationship wtih pumpkin pies. I know he likes Everquest and Molly. That's all I've observed in a year. Signed, Me 000714 ... kim dear schleiffen man, why is my mind consumed by blather? why is scooby doo a great dane? where do the aliens live? what's wrong with guys? do they speak another language with the same words or is it just me? 000714 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear kim, Your mind is consumed by blather for you do not let it be occupied by anything else. This can be good or bad. I say it's good. 'Cause Blather is good. Scooby Doo is a great dane because every body loves him! He's also a great actor! The aliens live over there... Guys speak a secret language similar to doublespeak from George Orwell's classic novel "1984." They can say something and mean it in like 9 different ways. Hope this helps. Signed, Me ps. blather is double plus good 000714 ... moonshine Is it possible to obtain a disease from licking a heliocopter? HTD? 000715 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Man: I bought a silver and pink "Hello Kitty" keychain/pocket-watch yesterday. Ever since I bought it I have had this spooky/evil feeling. What does this mean? Signed, Spooked Kitty 000715 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear moonshine, I'm sure you could procure some sort of disease from licking a helicopter, but it's most likely some sort of fungal or bacterial infection. Although viruses can't be ruled out, chances are that if the helicopter has not been properly washed, then bacterial growth could occur (fungus too). Signed, Me 000716 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear evil admiral klarchen, Either you've just bought a 2 way transceiver that helps you communicate with your fistkitten allies or you're hello kitty keychain is obviously haunted by the ghost of the Topkapi franchise from Edgewater Mall. If the latter is true, have it exorcised immediately as the floor space once rented to Topkapi is now a puzzle store. Signed, Me 000716 ... klarchen Dear Schlieffen Man: Oh my god. I think prophesies of kookiness are starting to come true. My head is empty. What should I do? Signed, know-it-nothing 000716 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, Take a deep breath. Relax. Close your eyes and envision yourself. Do what you need to do. That should fill your head. Signed, Me 000716 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Man: A little birdie told me that klarchen look-a-like-a "mandi". Fact or fiction? Signed, Karma-konfused 000716 ... Frankenfistkitten Dear Schleiffen Man: I have a crush on Hello Kitty. But she doesn't know it. I want to go out with her. I am sooo skitty about things like this. What should I do? Signed, Skittish 000718 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, I know mandi e-mailed you saying that, but I don't see it. Go fig... Signed, Me 000718 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear Frankie, GO TO HELL! It's kittens like you that cause me to have to hurt fist_kittens when all I really need are backup singers. Signed, Me 000718 ... frankenfistkitten Dear Schleiffen Man: Why do you hate me sooo much. What have I ever done to deserve such a cold shoulder? Signed, Sulking Skitty 000718 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear Frankie, I intercepted your transmissions back to the yarn barn of doom. I know all about your plans, so stop it now! MUSTN'T DOOD IT! 000720 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Man: Sigh, sigh, sigh. Oh why must I cry, every July? I really don't know, why I miss the snow, just so. That I wish the coldness was here again, so that I could try to be warm, my friend. So please tell me why, oh why, I miss the snow, just so, in July? 000722 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, This answer is simple. It's much easier to be cold because to get warm you pile on all the layers you want. But when it's hot, you can only strip to your bare skin and once that's done, your screwed. Personally I prefer the cold (even though I only wear shorts). Signed, Me 000722 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Man: Have you seen my mittens anywhere? It seems that I have lost them, again. Sigh. Signed, mitten Loser 000722 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Mam: Can the boofpixie cast sparkly magical spells? Signed, Mystified 000728 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, I have not seen your mittens. If I were you, I would seek out Thing 1 and Thing 2, Thing 2 and Thing 1 from Cat in the Hat fame. Rumor is that they can find anything anything anything anything under the sun. Thing 2 and Thing 1. Signed, Me 000729 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchem, The boofpixie cannot cast sparkly magical spells without assistance from the magical stupid laugh. Once she has acquired that, she can do whatever she wants. Signed, Me 000729 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Man: If the boofpixie can't cast sparkly magical spells without the laugh, then how come I find myself saying "woot!" without a second thought? Especially since I can hear no laugh from where I am situated. Signed, woot kook 000730 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, For the laugh has been released, you just never heard it to recognize it. And I think you personally like to say "woot." Signed, Me 000731 ... starts with Grr Dear Klarchen I have it on good authority that your mittens were temporarily commandeered by a small consignment of frankenfistkittens and will be returned unharmed Signed, Grendel 000731 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Man: What is the most efficient and quick way to obtain $100 by tomorrow? kash kurious 000731 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, The easiest ways to obtain $100 bucks would be hooking o drug dealing, but since both are fairly illegal, I'd ask a friend or relative that trusts you to borrow the money. And be sure to pay them back or else they might not like you so much anymore. Pawn shops work good too when you have a surplus of things. 000731 ... klarchen Dearest Schleiffen Man: What is a kind thing to do for a friend who has so just so generously lended another $100? Signed, kash happy 000801 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, Aside from paying the lender back, maybe invite them over for dinner or cut their grass. Something to show your appreciation for their generosity. Paying them back shows that you are responsible and respect their trust. But washing their car would say "Thanks buddy!" Signed, Me 000801 ... klarchen Dearest Schleiffen Man: Ok, so how would one go about washing an iroc z28 kamero? I wanna make it look spiffy. Signed, kar waxed 000801 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, You go about washing a z28 VERY CAREFULLY. Any questions? Signed, Me 000801 ... moonshine Dear Mister. It seems that I ve lost my snake in a berkeley co-op, of all places. Shes a bubblegum cornsnake, and I think shes escaped into the guys next doors room . Although it is not a sure thing. Please HELP, Where is she!?! Disgruntled in Berkeley, moonshine 000802 ... kasa midori Dear Mr. Schleiffen, Thanx for the car wash! Klarchen that she deserved that $100, though, so she can be happy once again. 000802 ... klarchen Dearest Schleiffen Man: What shall we do about all the disorganized souls on blather? You know, the simplistic rebels, the evil frankenfistkittens, and the people who don't ask proper questions in "ask schleiffen man". I am at my wits end. Sigh, sigh, sigh. Signed, konsonance seeker 000802 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear moonshine, I'm sorry to hear that your snake has dissappeared. If you're pretty sure abouther being in the guys room, ask nicely and maybe they'll let you in to look. If you're not sure about her location, I'm not sure what to do, I've never tried to track a snake before. Signed, Me 000803 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, Disorganized souls? All we can do for now is tolerate them until they decide to learnt he ways of the organized. All things shall fall into place in due time. 'Tis the best part of my plan. Signed, Me 000803 ... preciosa Dearest schleiffen man: Sorry about all the questions lately, but this is a somewhat pressing issue. It appears that I have aquired a stalker who shall remain nameless. What should I do!? Signed, klarchen's dead 000803 ... The Schleiffen Man Correction: it should be "learn the ways" Signed, Me 000803 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear preciosa, The person of which you speak most likely thrives on your attention. To deny him that which he wants to attain might distract him from you. But it might also incense his desire. This one's your call. Online stalkers tend to be less unnerving, but still weird none the less. Signed, Me 000803 ... kasa Dear mister How do i go about finding pepperconnis for my tummy. I annot seem to get enough. 000803 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear kasa, Not personally knowing what pepperconnis is, I did a little research on the web to see if I might discover the answer. Behold, I found nothing on pepperconnis, so I am not able to give you an educated answer. My absurd answer would be the pepperconnis store. ;) Signed, Me 000803 ... Kasa Midori Dear Mr. Schleiffen, The local sub shop calls this mild forms of jalepeno but maybe that is just there nick name. No one has any at the local food stores. I am becoming frustrated. 000803 ... stan What is an mp3? just curious 000803 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear stan, An mp3 is a file comprised of audio data that has be algorithmically selected from a larger data set. Generally, an mp3 is made from a raw audio file that is run through a compression technique that filters out frequencies humans can't hear physically and "psychoacoustics" that you can't hear due to consonance and dissonance with respect to other frequencies. What results is all the important audio data being compressed into a small file that must be translated back to it's original values. For more information, look at http://www.mp3.com or http://www.iis.fhg.de/amm/techinf/layer3/index.html for more information about mp3. Hope this helps. Signed, Me 000803 ... stan i am a raw audiophile myself but would refuse compression. I am a little confused on the psychoacoustics and exactly what they are. If two simple harmonic sounds enter the ear...(say f and F) we not only hear f and F but also 2f,3f,4f,etc.,F, 2F, 3F, 4F,etc. f-F, f-2F,f-3F,etc., F-f, F-2f, F-3f,etc., f+F, f+2F, f+3F, etc., F+f, F+2f, F+3f, etc., 2f-F, 2f-2F, 2f-3F, etc. 2F-f, 2F-2f, 2F-3f,etc. 2f+F, 2f+2F, 2f+3F, etc., 2F+f, 2F+2f, 2F+3f, etc..... Now these frequencies are actually produced inside the ear and to not exist otherwise so i do not really see how they can be removed, so these must not be the psychoacoustics to which you referred.. Also, as a raw audiophile, i must say the recordings made with vacuum tube technology and played back on the same tetain a significantly greater amount of the origianl harmonies and overtones produced. There is a slight hum in the background, but the price for removing i think is too high. In my humble opinion, digital technology applied to music is a step backwards....the ear knows. And finally, a simple "it is a type of compressed audio file" would have been enough info, but i do thank you for going the extra mile. I was once an engineering technician for Apple so you needn't go into such detailed explanations where computer technology is concerned...i have managed to keep up ...tired old dog that i am. thankyou for your time, and yes your answer was helpful to me... very. yours 000803 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear stan, No problem on all the mp3 stuff. I tried to make it as deep as it was quick. Signed, Me 000803 ... stan Dear Schleiffen man, i needs apologize for not affixing my earlier transmissions with a salutaion. I am a neophyte in blather eti...ete...uhhh....manners. My present question is this: does my habit (if after one week something can be called a "habit") of using two different handles violate any tacit rules of etiquette (it came back!) here at blather? I like having the flexability of doing it, but if it is an annoyance to everyone i would like to stop. I am also wondering if this is why clicking on either of my handles only produces a partial list of the blathes blathed (depending in which blathe my handle was selected) I have cleaned out my cpu's cache and defragmented my hard drive, ..all to no avail. And finally, am i directing these types of questions to a suitable listener or is there an official site where such matters are cleared up? Sincerely Stan 000804 ... Midori Dear Schleiffen man, I am confused. How is it possible that $0.66 = $1.00? 000804 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear stan, Sorry for the late reply, I was out of town with my girlfriend for the weekend. Blathering under two different names is acceptable. We have a resident blatherer who prefersmany names and had, until recently, fooled us into thinking they were seperate beings. It's only fair to say that birdmad ROCKS! As for your blather listings, it's a simple matter of observation. When looking at a blathe, you can see who said what. By hovering your mouse over their name, you bring up the URL for the perl script that runs blather. That script will search for the name and e-mail (if given at the time of said blathe.) Some of your blathes have been under various names and some lack e-mails. Kaskarkaminski will bring up all of Kaskarkaminski's blathes but if you happened to tell them that Kaskarkaminski could be reached at stan@cornhusker.net, then it searches for all strings that match either the name or the e-mail. I hope that I am a sufficient person, if a bit late with my answers. =D 000805 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear Midori, $0.66 can't equal a dollar by face value, but considering things like taxes and inflation, one can easily come to realize that one can become the other quickly under the eyes of the government. Signed, Me 000805 ... Kaskarkaminski Dear schleiffenman Thank you for the information. I had already caught on to that, but many of my files can only be reached (by me) where i had saved them previously. At least i still have them. Since posting that question, someone has begun tampering with the links of the pages at this site. It seems a lot of work to go changing the HTML on all those pages just to annoy someone, and i pity whatever the desperate circumstances are of the person or persons doing it. I wish them better times. Also, although it may be the wrong answer to the how can $.66 =l.00,you might check out my entry under "upside down cake" Contentedly.... Stan 000806 ... Kaskarkaminski Dear schleiffeman I just noticed your little picture of the computer...pretty cool 000806 ... Kaskarkaminski dear schleiffen man actually, my answer to that question is posted as the_upside_down_cake cheers! 000806 ... The Schleiffen Man i have a picture of a computer? 000806 ... zavyman Dear Schleiffen Man, I am interested in this Schleiffen Plan of yours. I would like to get in on one of the sides, but I don't know who I should be affiliated to. Please help me decide. Signed, confused 000808 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear zavyman, I'm thinking of creating an opposing force lead by evil admiral klarchen, should she ever reappear. This *other* plan would consist of EAK, the fist_kittens, and anyone else who decided to side with them. Signed, Me 000808 ... zavyman Dear Schleiffen Man, I have noticed all of your question and answer sessions with Klarchen. But her sudden leave of absence is confusing to me. What ever happened to her, and why does the blatherpolice intent on claiming her identity no longer exists? Many mysteries exist here, and I am afraid that I got here too late to understand it all. I did not mean to get involved with the politics here, but now here I am. From what I have read, klarchen was pretty cool, but I can see no farewells, just indications of her absence. I don't know what to do. I need your guidance Schleiffen Man. Signed, Politically Incorrect 000808 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear zavyman, According to unconfirmed sources, klarchen has gone underground to avoid the evil fist_kittens. It seems she didn't returnt heir phone calls one to many times, and so they're looking for first blood on the matter. klarchen was a very cool person indeed, but until she surfaces again.... only the Shadow knows. Signed, Me 000808 ... ducky Dear Man: What is the bestest way to make feathers the softest of all feathers? From, the yellow baby duck 000808 ... erin dear s. man, i'm desperately confused. what has happened to our beloved blather? it seems that with the disappearance of klarchen, something has gone terribly awry. since when are hateful people interested in our peaceful blather? intellectual banter is one thing, but there's a feeling of senseless hatred afoot. perhaps blather has stayed innocent and thoughtful for too long. should i have expected this? 000808 ... heel turn dear schleiffen man, what are fist_kittens and can anything be done about them? signed, curious george on acid 000810 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear ducky, Molting and preening is the way to illustrious feathers. Signed, Me 000810 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear erin, Blather is just encountering new people. As with anything else, it willt ake some time for the blather ecosystem to regain equilibrium after a new species (person) has been added. Signed, Me 000810 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear heel turn, Sorry for thwe delay, the real world was calling for about 2 days straight. Fist_kittens are a proactive bunch of felines who feel the need for anything overly destructive. They desire only to see things explode and to watch people cry. The only thing you can do about them is prevent. Treat your kittens well! If they are happy, they won't get the notion of blowing you up. As for the fist_kittens we already have, we are currently working on trained porcupines that will search out fist_kittens and quill them into behaving. Signed, Me 000813 ... Midori Dear Mister, I have somehow managed to fall of my roof. I cannot seem to hold my head up anymore. It is horrible. How could this happen, or better yet, what should I do?? 000814 ... klairchen Dearest Schleiffen Man: I seem to have developed an infatuation with all things orange lately. What might be the cause of this infatuation and is it a bad thing? If yes, then how might I go about treating it? Signed, burnt orange 000814 ... TomRobbins Schleiffen Man, How does one control himself from pummeling all those who basically adulterate and dillute the gene pool with their mindless, sophomoric behavior? 000814 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klairchen, Maybe you had too much orange juice as a childe. Only the Shadow knows.... Signed, Me 000814 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear TomRobbins, One must rely on the fact that natural selection is a continual but subtle process. They will eventually extinguish their own flames and (if early enough) earn an esteemed Darwin Award (http://www.darwinawards.com) . Signed, Me 000814 ... TomRobbins So, Mr. Schleiffen Man, Just got a few questions...to try and understand, ya know, the meaning of everything...1. How do you not miss someone? 2. Boxer's or Briefs? 3. favorite book? 4. Who will win Survivor? 5. 5? 6. Who will you vote for on election day? 7. Why did the reform party split? 8. Will there ever be peace in the middle east? 9. What is the meaning of life? 10. Who cares? 11. Favorite movie? 12. Favorite band? 13. Apples or oranges? 14. Who shot JFK? 15. Is that your final answer? 16. Is GWBush really a moron? 17. Position on the death penalty? 18. Abortion? 19. Who will win the world series? 20. Who is the Schleiffen Man? 000814 ... klairchen Dearest Schleiffen Man: What can one do about a hot-headed, lippy, angst ridden, punk, little sister? I seem to have aquired one. Frick! The seventeen-year-old was supposed to move out for forever two weeks ago with her punk little boyfriend, but somehow, over the night, she has returned. Ack! My plan is ruined! Signed, frickin' mad 000815 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear TomRobbins, Just a few answers for you... 1) I don't miss anyone because I am virtually omnipresent on blather. 2) Boxers all the way! 3)A Wrinkle in Time and it's subsequent sequels. ;) 4)The winner of survivor will be the person who lasts the longest. 5)Yes, 5. 6)Unless I register, I won't be voting. If I register, I'm Green Party all the way. 7)The Reform Party split because of fundamental differences between Buchanan and whoever the other guy is. They're both scrambling for federal money to run their campaigns. 8)Right after the nuclear winter. 9)I'll answer this one when I meet you in the afterlife. 10)People who ponder such things I guess. 11)No favorite movie, but lots of Favorites.. at the moment I'm a big Kevin Smith fan. 12)Fav. band is like favorite movie. 13)Appranges. 14)The CIA, Mafia, Pope, and Castro all controlled the robot that launched the bullet from Mars that struck JFK. 15)Yes, it is my final answer. 16)I think GWB is a puppet with John McCains hand up his ass. 17)I'd have to say "Do the Crime, do the time." Not exactly eye for an eye, but people should die for some things they do. 18)A woman's body is her own choice. If they told me I couldn't cut out a tumor becuase it was alive, I'd hurt someone. 19)The team that beats the losers of the World Series. 20)The Schleiffen Man is a 20 year old college student from Mississippi with way too much time on his hands and an active internet account. Hope this clears some things up for you. Signed, Me 000815 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klairchen, Be tolerant, but don't be a rug. Also, sing "Punk Rock Girl" by the Dead Milkmen at all times of the day around her. Maybe she'll get the picture. Signed, Me 000815 ... ducky Dearest Schleiffen Man: Who is Shleiffen, cyber-whore? And why can't he go past electric door? Signed, stupid girl 000815 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear ducky, Just a rhyme so I can do the whole thing like everyone else... SOrry to confuse you. Signed, Me 000815 ... silentbob dear schleiffen man why can't i ever spell your name right? 000816 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear silentbob, It's an evil plan of the fist kittens to ruin my good name. They broadcast my name wrong into the brains of those trying to spelll it, effectively rendering me usless. Signed, Me 000816 ... klairchen Dearest Schleiffen Man: Being the mighty Schleiffen Man and all, does it overwhelm you sometimes? Signed, lookingwayup 000816 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klairchen, The weight of being someone is only apparent when you are reminded of who you are. I just try to be me and not think about being me. Signed, Me 000816 ... klairchen Dearest Schleiffen Man: Whatever compells you to answer my stupid questions? I mean, no one is forcing you to do so or anything (i hope). And it's not like I pay you. So, why? Signed, question boofed 000817 ... d dear s. man-- what are yer thoughts on glossolalia? If one believes in such a thing.. then would there be multitudes of answers for a single question? 000817 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klairchen, I answer the questions because you ask them. It's what I seem to do best on blather. And I find it fun to answer some questions. Signed, Me 000817 ... Kasa Dear Schleiffen Man, I seem to have outgrown my favorite clothes. The first sixteen years of my life I always seemed to be shorter than everyone else. But the last few years I grew taller than everyone (even most guys). I cannot even buy normal pants. How does one go about shrinking themselves a few inches? 000818 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear Kasa, Hot water and lots of it. If there's anything to be learned from Tom and Jerry, it's that heat can shrink anything! Signed, Me 000818 ... klairchen Dear schleIffen man, Since you seem to be in charge of your dorm, are you like the Tom Green type portrayed in "Road Trip"? Signed, justwondering 000828 ... frankenfistkitten Dear schleiffen man; why mustn't i dood it? i realllllly wanna know why why why? w-o-o-t !-! 000828 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klaIrchen, I haven't seen Road Trip, but I can guess that I am not like Tom Green's character. I'm just not into eating small, live mammals or humping dead mooses. Signed, Me 000829 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear frankenfistkitten, You mustn't dood it or else the rains of Valhalla will crash upon thy flesh and drench you to the bone. Beware the cry of the celestial spheres! Signed, Me 000830 ... we dood it our way Dear Schleiffen Man, until you ask us into the studio to be backup singers, we will be in the studio adding to the agony of the universe by working on our special remix of the Britney Spears album we're gonna call it oops_i_dood_it_again fair warning and remember, if it doesn't say "gritty kitty" - it stinks! signed, frank and the fistkittens 000831 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear fist_kittens, Go ahead, make my day. I don't listen to, nor do I buy or acknowledge Britney Spears in any economical way, shape, or form. She's kind of cute and can be ignored aurally, so do your worst. If you persist, I will be forced to release music from the Schleiffen_Plan. Signed, Me 000901 ... plekhanov is goa the music they play when you play laser tag? also, what is the most goth instrument? 000908 ... The Schleiffen Man dear plekhanov, If goa trance isn't playing during your Laser Tag sessions, then you should demand a refund. The most goth intrument would be some sort of hybrid synthesizer/theremin. That way you could make weird melodies a la Switchblade Symphony and add in riff comparable to a dead horse breathing on Mars. Signed, Me 000909 ... daxle dear you, I have sat here pondering how to ask you why I can't ask you any questions without in fact asking anything and therefore rendering it all useless and ironic. So instead I will ask how I can do this. How can I do this? Mew 000909 ... The Schleiffen Man dear daxle, You always have the option of e-mailing me. soulsteal@hotmail.com or schleiffen_plan@hotmail.com (the latter being unchecked for some time now that i think about it). Hope this clears things up! Signed, Me 000909 ... daxle BAHNT! that is the wrong answer. 000910 ... The Schleiffen Man daxle, There is no right or wrong, only your willingness to accept the answers provided. Signed, Me 000910 ... The Schleiffen Coroner I pronounce thee dead. I call it at 6:48 PM CST. 001115 ... klairkendra Nuh, uh. Nope. No way. dear you, is it true? from, me. 001124 ... TheLove Dear Schleiffen man... I have this bitch ex-friend. She stole my best guy friend and manipulated his brain(even he admits to this) until he was a different person. She's also betrayed me countless numbers of times, along with being a selfish whorish person. Should I kick her ass? Signed, Violence embodied 001220 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear TheLove, Violence is never the answer. It's a solution. Use deadly force only if she attacks first, otherwise maul her. Good luck! 001222 ... TheLove I love you. 001225 ... startfires on a date dear xchleiffen man how can i feed two people for $1.80? 010303 ... TerraCotta oh, dearest schleiffen man.. i have this situation involving my boyfriend and me.. my parents keep us apart. i already ran away to him before, and i just get in trouble for it, meaning that i don't get to see him for even longer. what should i do to solve this? 010303 ... the fist_kittens in the interest of disinformation WE HAVE TAKEN OVER! 010305 ... valis dear schleiff, i have come to realize as the cold winds of age settle upon me and paint the sunsets with the colors of all my forgotten dreams that i may never own my own submersible jet car with x-ray lasers after all. hell, at this rate, i may not even be able to own my own football team. so should i rage against the dying of the light here? or just have another beer? sincerely, captain superb 010529 ... frankenfistkitten Hmm... Tough call there, we'll need to convene a committee on that one. We'll get back to you. Signed, The Fist_Kittens 010529 ... The Schleiffen Man Ghosts of the pasts abound! I have returned for all your inquisitive needs, feeds, deeds and other miscellaneous uses. Watch closely speak eloquently and hold on to your hat. 010715 ... The Schleiffen Man does it live on the who blathes page? does it exist anymore? 010715 ... frankenfistkitten oh, this should be entertaining. woot! 010716 ... yummychuckle why am I so dizzy? why does whatshisface in incubus say "BAH" before he says the phrase "fuck me in my own way" inthat song...make yourself or something like that.... that was a question but it seemed like a strange place to put a question mark, no? why does pot make me so damn horny? 010716 ... The Schleiffen Man franky: entertaining? excellently yes! yummychuckle: too much pot; to fill space; chemical imbalance of THC imbalances other chemicals.... try a good round of masturbation or find a willing soul to have fun with Signed, Me 010717 ... ClairE Why do I love someone I don't really respect? Why is blather the best thing to happen to me, almost ever? As exciting as hearing Sharon_Olds read tonight. Are these two questions closely related? Is it "oi" or "oy"? 011127 ... ClairE tell me: what were the skies like when you were young? (Paraphrased): they were the most beautiful colors in fact... 011128 ... blue star dear schleiffen man, where did you go? and why did you go? Maybe I'm way behind on this one. But I really would like to know. 020621 ... moocow From one of your fellow blatherians: "I see the needle and the damage done.." what should i do? 020702 ... deathofarose *wipes tears from his eyes* 040910 ... kim dearest schleiffen man...you're not gone are you?....did you graduate?...did you leave?...why did you have to go?....i've been gone for a while...and just now have gotten your answers...thanks for the response...by the way...LOVED your answers for tomrobbins 050503 ... u24 it doesn't look like you'll answer this, but in case you ever do check back: did you ever think when you started this blathe, that you'd be starting one of the longest-lived traditions on blather? (see: ask_blathes) 070505 what's it to you? who go blather from