dafremen_family_reunion daf Today I want to sit down and try to get a few things out. This is more an exploration of why than a judgement of who's to blame. I'm to blame for the decisions I've made and take full responsibility for the consequences. I also thank the people in my life who care enough to shelter me from some of those consequences. I've had enough tough love for one lifetime. Thank you. I guess this will be about as VOYEURISTIC an adventure as the reading public will probably get out of me. This isn't the sort of stuff I even talk about to myself, let alone with the world at large, but there's something I need to do. I need to bare my soul to see what's still left. So here we go. This might get ugly. It could get a bit bitter. I'll try to keep a lid on most of that..because really I just want to figure out why. I want to figure out how and maybe from that divine what I might be able to do to fix what is broken in me. I don't know where this journey is going to take me, but as the discerning reader might have noticed..I'm not in any big hurry to get there. I dread it there. Memories make me restless and uncomfortable most of the time. Memories hurt enough to put some effort into forgetting them. So that's what I do most of the time I suppose. I put distance between myself and my memories. Even the good ones if they are about people who are gone from my life for good..be it intentionally or otherwise. Goodbye, so long, I would miss you, but I'm going to choose not to because you're gone and it hurts. And I'm tired of letting people hurt me, intentionally or otherwise. I'm not sure where we begin to diverge in perspective about relationships and people, the majority of society and I. I think a big one is how we perceive family. My perception of "family" has brought me more grief than I care to think about. (See the last paragraph.) To me, blood relation means NOT MUCH. Now this isn't a sob story..just a matter-of-fact kind of pass through the background data if you will: My father left my mother when I was barely 2. My mother went to prison when I was barely 3. My maternal grandmother beat my brother, my sister and I on the rare occasions when she wasn't ignoring us. Other than that..we never saw her. 4 or 5 years later, we were removed from that home. My siblings went to the same home, and I went to the orphanage because it would have been too hard to adopt out three kids and I was the oldest. During the 3 or 4 years that I was there, according to state records, I was put through a series of 22 foster families. I used to tell everyone it was 11. I guess you lose count after awhile. (see also: the_white_heath_incident) Finally, when I was almost 11, I was adopted by a single parent..my dad. I spent 5 or 6 years in a good home with no one around much. Dad's a great person and did his best to do right by me. But he was building a private practice and he's a workaholic by nature. He didn't have the time I probably needed to get my head on differently. Besides, by the time I'd gotten to him, I was already "damaged goods" The framework for my notion of relationships, family, friendship, acceptable, unacceptable, etc. had mostly been formed by then. If anything, he undid a little damage here and there. But he put up with my crap and had my back. He tried. He's Dad. He's family. You know, I can almost count the people I consider family on one hand. I mean unless we're talking about the human family. No I mean the kind you let sleep on your couch. The kind you'd fight a fist fight for. About 6 or 7 people maybe..maybe. I learned a lot about people and their relationships with one another during my solitary adventure. I learned that there is a difference between what people call family and what they call friends or lovers. I learned that this difference can be seen in the extent to which they have each others' backs. And in the way that they put up with each others' differences, difficult behaviors and trying personalities. People will DUMP an inconvenient friend or a trying lover but family's supposed to be forever. Now most folks have their own reasons for family loyalty: relationships with other relatives they wish to maintain, inheritance, a sense of obligation and of course, pure love. But that's where we part ways. I only have that sense of obligation for those who have EARNED it. I have no relationships I wish to maintain that require me to be loyal to people I do not wish to. And when I do..they certainly aren't with anyone I consider family. But on the flip side, I don't have a lot of family. And I have no roots to speak of. And I rarely have a good reminisce about old times with anyone. I have few if any photos of great times spent with close loved ones. So there's a lot missing there too. But that's my way. I didn't choose it. It just is. Very few people have made it past friend to family in my life. Few make it to friend. I have more acquaintances and people who I'm sort of watching and waiting and seeing about than anything else. That and race-mates. I'm careful about letting people in. Very careful. Some may sense this about me and think it's something about them that I'm not connecting with. Well yea..but only because I'm not sure that I want to connect just yet. Maybe you're this REALLY nice person. Well I've met a lot of really nice people who were too shallow for my tastes. Can't have friends who walk out when the money's gone, the chips are down, you fall in love with a leper, or have a bad hair day. I've met some really nice people who were used to the idea that friendships are about what people can do for one another, transforming them into some sort of Dr.Phil business transaction. "If you won't do this for me..then I'm not going to do that for you." Guilt trips. Coercion. Etc. That's what everyone needs..someone who can turn off the friendship when it isn't working to their benefit. Yay. For the record, I don't need that and I'd rather not invest the time into anyone who is like that. And I'd hope they might appreciate not having to be disappointed in me some day after having invested their time and emotional energy in a doomed friendship. I've met some really nice people who simply have no spine to speak the truth as they see it. They will waver in what they say from one moment to the next depending upon what people might think or say. These are the folks that constantly disappoint you by saying what they don't mean because they are afraid of what will happen if they speak their mind. I can't be around people like that. Most of them will throw you to the wolves the minute they feel the winds turning against them. They're better off without someone around like me who will only put them on the spot unintentionally and leave them mortified or pissed (but telling me that everything is fine.) So maybe you're all these REALLY nice people. But maybe you're not my cup of tea..and I'm probably not yours. See, that's the other thing. People OFTEN SEEM to be really nice. I can SEEM to be really nice. I learned from watching PEOPLE. That's who raised me. YOU. All of you..even those of you who weren't alive yet..because you've had the same traits passed onto you by your own. And you're STILL doing the same shit you were when I was a kid. And that's who I learned my lessons from. Not Mom. Not Dad. YOU. But there's a difference between us regardless. Why? Well, you maybe had someone who you knew loved you and whose opinion you valued explain to you why "we tell little white lies so we don't upset anyone." I didn't have that extra insight here and there. I was alone watching. Not interacting and conversing. I just saw liars and people who preferred to be lied to and I don't really WANT to be EITHER. I mean, I can lie..and have..and probably will again. It's not something I'm proud of. Nobody is..but practically everyone does it..then quickly condemns everyone else for it. And from what I can see..the only difference is intention. Well my intentions are simple: I intend to surround myself with people who are themselves with me and with whom I can be myself. No deception. No manipulation. No ego. No posturing alpha bullshit. And whenever someone starts any of that shit with me..then fuck em..when in Rome for as long as they want to stick around and take their own medicine. Good riddance when they get tired of their own treatment. Yea people seem really nice. Like when they are lying to you and you're sucking it up like spaghetti. Then they're happy. God forbid you should point out that they are lying. Oh God help you then! Because the typical reaction a liar gives in our society when confronted ranges from "a bit put off" to "enraged." Somehow they're offended that you weren't willing to buy their line of crap like it was out of the encyclopedia. And I learned that people bullshit each other for CRAZY DYSFUNCTIONAL reasons. Lie about that funny smell and the smoke coming from Daddy's den. Lie about where babies come from. Lie to the children about Easter bunnies and Santa Claus..no one knows why. It's fun!! (To introduce children to institutionalized deception..) Lie to your husband about your plans for tonight to surprise him with a birthday party. Lie to Aunt Effy about the ugly sweater she made so she can go on wasting her time making gifts that no one really wants. Lie so people don't dislike you and call it being polite. Lie on the sales floor and call it business. Lie on the podium and call it politics. Lie at the pulpit and call it God's Will. And all along, little explanations or excuses from loved ones to soften the fact that it was a lie. Or maybe just the reinforcing fact that it was someone who you loved and admired who told the lie. It became acceptable. It became normal. It grew to be..everywhere and O.K. Meanwhile back in orphan-land I was quickly becoming convinced that I was surrounded by monsters. Sneaky, manipulative, lying monsters.(And they SEEMED like such nice people.) I was living in a nightmare scape and quickly becoming paranoid. BTW, does it really matter what you say to lying, manipulative, alien monsters masquerading as people? Seems like a simple question doesn't it? I'm not so sure. Let me call mom and find out. Oh yea.. SEEMS is a BIG word in my vocabulary. It might be the biggest. Maybe that's why I like to use big final words like NEVER and ALWAYS when I state an opinion..because the reality of things is so up for grabs in my experience. Words certainly aren't going to tell you a thing about reality. Unless of course you can find a TRULY trusted source. (Don't count on science too heavily or religion or politicians. Same liars, similar reasons, different disciplines.) That's how I see most people at first. They SEEM a certain way. That's like the knowledge version of out of focus and blurry. They seem to be this, but they could be that. And because our people are brought up to accept a certain amount of insincerity, manipulation, deception and aversion from each other this is fairly tame for most folks to deal with. Not me. That "seems" is a BIG if. I can't afford to just let people come traipsing through my life and heart anymore. I'm too loyal for that. I'm too weary for that. I'm too fucked up for that. And the sort that would abuse the privilege aren't worth the risk of more bad memories. I've been so close to shutting down completely for so long now. It's just not worth it. So..WHO the fuck ARE you? This is the big question in my mind. And it's there always. I don't know who you are, and without my wanting or knowing..I begin to find out. I'm not concerned with all of the nuances of your being at first. My mind is just watching you to see how you treat others. To see how you treat me. To see how what you say might indicate those things. And me? I'll start off being the parts of me that most folks can handle. I'm reasonably diplomatic, try to be funny and helpful. And if someone appears shallow or like a user/abuser..it usually stops there. If they STILL seem like a nice person..it's not time to hem and haw and wait to get to know them better before revealing my less popular side. No. It's time to take care of that unsavory reveal right then and there..before too much emotion or effort gets involved. See, courting the judgements of others is one of the quickest ways of determining where the shallow, spineless and holier-than-thou are in a crowd. Want to find the big egos? Make a strong opinionated statement. They'll swoop in like sharks. And so it goes.. Hi! Here's my drug habit. Here's my lack of couth because pretension gives me hives. Here's my strong, strange opinions. Here's my long-winded banter about politics, religion, the occult. Here's my throwing caution to the wind and seeing if you'll keep up, stand back and watch, wish me well and stick around, or shake your head at the loon. It's time to not comb my hair and time to wear the same clothes a couple of days in a row. It's time to test the yardstick by which a person measures their fellow man. This is the time to find out what there is about me that is beyond someone's threshold..if anything. Do they have reasonable limitations that I can work within? Do they become contemptuous? Do they become nervous? Uneasy? Frightened? Are they inclined to cruelty or kindness? Are they trying to establish a pecking order in the relationship? Can..they...be..trusted? Do they just want something from me or do they sincerely enjoy my friendship? Are they just curiosity seekers looking for the juicy details of my private habits? (They're not that juicy..trust me.) Is this the sort of shallow passerby who moves on when they don't approve of the decor or what the neighbors might think? Can..they..be..trusted? In the end, I'll give something close to what I get. It's all I know. If someone is cruel to me, my heart is shut off to them and only sincere remorse can change that. If someone is using me in a manipulative way, and disregards my protests, my emotions are ice water and all bets are off. Your feelings barely exist for me at that point. You are to me what I am to you. It's that simple. I'll give you an example: There's this guy named Steve and we were supposed to be getting together to make music. Well I watched because that's what I do. And after awhile I noticed that Steve would come over for shorter and shorter practices even though he swore he loved the music. It was interesting because we almost ALWAYS ended by helping him score some weed when he came to visit. Now of course when he started driving all the way out 45 minutes just to practice for an hour..then left after 40 minutes or so (coinciding perfectly with the arrival of the weed), it wasn't brain surgery to realize that my suspicions were confirmed. Why did Steve feel it was necessary to pretend to have a musical relationship with me just to score weed? I'm not sure. But I do know this: In the weed game..if someone's just an acquaintance, it's customary for them to break off a pinch to the person who helps them score the weed. (If they're a friend they'll usually do so anyway AND smoke a bowl with you.) So with or without knowing, Steve had established the nature of our relationship. He was coming by so I could help him score weed but didn't want me to know that's what he was really doing. So..I was going to start taking my pinches without telling HIM and they weren't going to be courteous ones either. If I'm going to be lied to, looked down on, AND take it with a smile..there's a price for that too. Well, of course, Steve cuts off the relationship when his sacks start coming up short..which worked out great, because I'm not in the market for another manipulative relationship based on deceit. And that's not a judgement of Steve. He's a nice, mostly honest guy. He just sees that sort of "friendship" as a normal part of human interaction and really doesn't see it as manipulation. I don't. Hell, in his mind he was probably telling himself he was doing me a favor by playing with me. He wasn't. That's how it works with me. I don't have any qualms about tossing people in the "been there, been hurt by that" pile. It doesn't mean I don't care about them. It just means I subconsciously choose not to focus on my concern for them, because when I do, it hurts. As I've mentioned..I'm done trying to be hurt. And maybe that's why I engage in marginal behavior. Maybe that's why I've come to almost habitually test the limits of my loved ones' patience. Maybe that's why I've been high for 3/4 of my life. And maybe THAT'S why I don't need anyone's company that chooses to judge me. Maybe it's more than a bit hard for me to swallow the fact that I'm a 45 year old, frightened little boy who thinks he lives in a world full of lying, deceitful monsters that look like and are mixed in with human beings. It's a little less hard to swallow that I'm not exactly wrong. But I'm not exactly right either. So there's that. How long do we keep LYING to each other? Stop lying about who you are! Stop hurting each other..and me! Stop teaching children to be self indulgent, rude and dominating! Stop using language to manipulate reality into the outcomes you want. Stop forming the catalyst for the sorts of interpersonal experiences that create crazy little basketcases like me! Do that and we just might find ourselves living in a better world where a guy like me doesn't lose his marbles and start yelling for an hour because of some simple inconsiderate thing someone did..that keeps breaking the camel's back. That would be nice. I'm tired of this crazy shit and I bet most of you are too. When I REALLY examine it, there are 4 levels that I put my relationships with other humans into: Race-mates (hey..I had to make SOMETHING up) are the bulk of humanity. A writhing, incomprehensible mass of constantly regenerating personalities with bodies attached. I love my fellow humans, but not in a very personal way. I feel strongly for the plight of our people and think about them as a mass or trend..but don't really give too much thought to the individuals until the next level. Acquaintances - I've met you. You've met me. Who the fuck are you, BTW? Folks go from here back into the race-mate mass pretty frequently. I'm not a big collector of business cards and casual relationships. They come into my life and go out of it. Not that these folks don't or can't return to the scene. They just aren't in mind much except in passing. This is where friends or family that have screwed me over, manipulated or lied to me usually go. The difference being that they don't get the same courtesy. Friends - Alrighty then. You seem like a decent person who isn't trying to use me, isn't looking down on me. You treat people decently and don't go out of your way to put others down just to build yourself up. You speak with me honestly, even when it's hard to do because I'm a difficult basket case. You may not agree with my opinions, but you don't try to convert me to yours. You're honest..even if it's about your lack of honesty with others. You're honest. You're honest. You're honest. You're loyal. You're still here. I almost trust you. (Maybe a little here and there.) Family - Well. You've seen me at my worst. You've watched me lose my mind and while you didn't like it..and later told me so, you didn't bail on me. You didn't try to make me feel like shit about myself..even if I did so to you in one of my fits of PTSD-induced insanity. You didn't stab me in the back to save face, or pretend like you were someone you weren't. I always have your back against all comers. You are worthy of everything I have to give. You have my heart and my loyalty and I trust you with them. I trust you with them. I trust you. I'm running out of steam and so I guess I'll wrap up this exploration pretty abruptly with a quick mention of my family. These are the people who have seen my worst and still stuck around. They're the ones who never let me down when the rest of my world was crumbling. These are the people I TRULY trust in this world to have my back and who I know really care about me: Lia - First and foremost. I don't know of a more beautiful person inside and out than you. You have single-handedly changed my impression of the human race. I never knew anyone like you existed except in fairy tales and Gospel stories. (see also: lovers_supper) Dad - You saved me when no one else would. You stuck around when the rest exchanged me for a less flawed model. You taught me what it means to care about people. You teach me every time we talk on the phone even though I'm really crappy at calling. Mo & Toni - Always in my heart. Forever here with me. Nobody knows but you. No one will ever understand like you do. That place in my loyalty is reserved for you two alone..always. Forgive me for ever putting that in doubt. (see also: piece_of_work) Darren - Brother man, we don't see eye to eye on much when it comes to politics, religion, women, economics..but we know what a good person looks like. Very few have your eye for the real deal. It's something we have in common. I'll always have your back, man. I doubt you'll ever need it. Dan - My fellow geek and computer nerd. You proved everything to me that night when Isabel lost her mind again. The fact that you didn't think twice about it sealed the deal. Did I ever tell you that you're the Atheist Jesus? I love you man. Don't bring it up again. : ) Brother Ray - I hope you're still rolling along medicine man. I miss you so. I never had a big brother until I met you. I do now. I love you so much brother. Feel free to remind me now and then. (see also: brother_ray) And then we come into what feels like a grey area. There are people who I'm kind of inclined to think of as family but who I'm not really sure about yet for various reasons. My Children - I don't know. They might grow up and figure it out. It's always something to hope for. If not, I'll just have to content myself with having tried my best to parent without having any idea of what that even means. They seem to be good people, and that's all I could have hoped for. (see also: clan) Brody - You're still a kid. Who knows. But you seem to care and you don't judge me too harshly for being how I am. You're a good guy and I love you man. (see also: goes_down_easy) DOAR - You seem like a for real cat, but we've never met. I guess I'll know if I ever come looking for a couch to crash on. Til then you're one of the closest friends I have..and we rarely talk. And a few from the past who have past on or disappeared: Chris Ahl - You were the only one who tried in there. You didn't just see another orphan. You saw ME. Royboy Dedalis - You and I were as different as night and day..except in our hearts. There we were thick as thieves. I'll miss you man. Hope it comes out better on the other side. (see also: they_dont_know) Eileen Kolos - I thought your son was my friend. Who would have thought it was his 80 year old mom that would take me in and understand me so? I will cherish our conversations always. You GET IT. When you come back from the other side..help the rest of us get it. I love you Ei. (see also: fountain_of_youth) And that's it. That's your introduction to my family and to my head in words. Thanks for reading. Sorry for any offense. Probably should have stopped reading when it started bugging you. ;) daf 140409 ... Toxic_Kisses What you just wrote is extremely personal and no doubt was Extremely Difficult to write, let alone to make the decision to put it up on Blather, not that my opinions matter (fuck_your_fucking_feelings (TY SB)) but after holding all that in for so long the way you have, few people (myself included) would ever have the guts to do what you just did, I can’t even fathom how hard doing this was for you. As far as I’m concerned simply writing this was incredibly brave, let alone going the next step and posting it to blather. As it stands I’m not going to pity you or say something like I’m sorry that you had to go through so much hell to get to where you are, yes it's undeniable that what you went through goes far beyond having to suck rotten eggs, however I truly believe in treating others the way you’d like to be treated and I’d hate (among other feelings) for someone to feel “sorry” for me if I ever decided to open up the way you have. I’m also not going to try to be your friend or say I’m here for you bc I think we can both agree that’s something for You to decide, besides honestly as I speak/write this I know at this particular point in time I wouldn’t make a decent friend for any one let alone you, but I want you to know I’m around and if you ever feel like being around me while I’m around that I’m down with that. Also I got you something *Hands you a plain brown box* This is not a gift, notice the lack of wrapping paper and a bow? It is however a box full of hugs just for You from me. Based souly on my own feelings about hugs and the fact that sometimes I really want one and other times I feel like a grumpy porcupine (or at very least a mood of “I appreciate the thought that went into the offer, but no thanks I don’t really want that right now.”) and realizing its hard for other people to tell where I am on that scale, I figured if I gave you a box of hugs you could take one out and use it whenever you wanted/needed one, or if you so choose keep them in the box, but that it’s Your decision to make. And yea, I do actually realize how silly what I just wrote sounded, but I don’t care bc I still mean it =) Besides I like you and nothing you’ve written here has changed that Dafremen. 140409 ... Toxic_Kisses really? I mean REALLY!?! What the bloody fuk?!? Daf spills his guts and NO ONE is going to say one gawd damn thing?? Really, NOTHING??? well nothing but SILENCE!!! not that any one gives one flyin leap frog but I truly am disappointed in the people who came by and read what Daf wrote and said not one fucking word, it's getting late and not one single word. Hell I can hear the crickets screwing in the corner!!! Daf opens up bares his pain before you all and no one is going to say anything, that's beyond sad. How do you do you treat someone like that?!? How the hell do you just walk the fuck away after reading this?!? Thats seriously, no you know what I'm not going to do this for you, think up your own derogatory word for what you've done... ~~~ Daf I haven't been here for a long while, and I know I've missed quite alot in that time, but even when at your worst you deserved better then this. This actually makes me feel ill... I think I may need some space from here, I dont know... this is just wrong to me. 140410 ... daf Doar called me on the phone. Dan sent me a facebook message. My girl gave me a hug. And my friend TK responded to the blathe. All in all, I'm ok with that. I never did expect much of a reception at the airport either. Thanks for the sentiments and the concern..it means a lot. - 140411 ... daf You know, I've probably read this 50 times now. And for the first 45 or so, I read it just like you probably did. Like I was talking to you, the reader. But around number 46 or so..something started creeping into my head: what if I was telling MYSELF something? So I read it, and I read it and I focused on feeling that strange sensation of something MORE being here. It was about 3 or 4 reads later that it hit me: We're not that different from each other. Let me explain. In this piece, I carefully lay out the details of how my head got screwed on funny. I then ALSO go on to describe the details of how the MAJORITY of society got THEIR heads screwed on straight. I talk about how people are. That indicates that I am AWARE of this fact. So why does it continue to affect me so, when they act PRECISELY the way I've come to expect? I talk about how judgmental people are as I go on to call them shallow, spineless and manipulative. Well this is what I was looking for when I said that the purpose of this was to perhaps find what is broken in me and fix it. Now to figure out what to do with it. 140411 ... epitome of incomprehensibility I'm holding up two invisible shields right now. The first one says, "TK, please don't attack me - I didn't see this before because I got fed up with blather for being slow and I didn't go to blue's 'recent' page." The second one says, "Even if I responded, I'm afraid I wouldn't say anything intelligent." It feels unnecessary to hold up both - they're kind of heavy - so I crossed the writing off the second one and I'm using it as a seat. I don't want to sit on the muddy and uncertain ground just yet. Still, I don't know if I'm saying anything useful. I'm not "really nice," real or pretend. I'm lazy and selfish, I have a violent temper, and I'm often afraid of things I don't understand. I don't know you personally, but, me being all of the above, it strikes me as surprising that we're able to debate things and disagree about without tearing out each other's throats. That leads me to think you're better at being a social person than you think. Probably much better. You were also talking about loyalty. Sometimes I distrust that word. I've learned (rightly or wrongly) that some people think loyalty is about choosing sides when two of your friends get into a fight, that you can't be loyal to Person A and Person B at the same time. I don't buy into that definition. Say one of my blather friends got mad at you (rightly or wrongly) - someone with a differently-tempered temper, less dangerous but sensitive about different things - I wouldn't feel obliged to suddenly start hating him. (Besides, if you know who I'm talking about, I think it'd be awesome if you two collaborated musically.) But the kind of loyalty where people stick with other people even when they don't have to, even when it's tough - that's the kind of loyalty I believe in. And it warmed my cold heart to read you paying tribute to the people who've been loyal to you. And now I don't even sound like myself, so I'll have to say something mildly nonsensical. Look, there's a frog hopping under the shield I'm sitting on. Maybe this muddy ground isn't too bad after all. I dunno. Do you? (I hope I'm not a needless bother. I know I'm not your little sister But you be my American fall And I'll be your Canadian winter.) 140411 ... TK Hey what do you know, look!*Points* A flying leap frog! Hope he doesn’t disturb the crickets =p And yea seeing as how ppl did in fact respond, then yea I’m over it and no longer full of seething anger and wanting to flay ppl for being the insensitive mass of worms I had originally thought them to be. So it’s all good and I’m feeling much better, especially after seeing you write and knowing that even if I was unaware of it at the time that other ppl did in fact respond ^.^ I guess I can be a little protective of the people I like and unfortunately sometime go a bit overboard with that =/ So yea sorry bout that, seriously I really didn’t mean to scare you or anyone else, I just don’t take well to seeing others being (in my opinion)mistreated, that’s just not something I’m all that good at dealing with anymore. And I absolutely agree with you when it comes to loyalty and taking sides, I’d actually been thinking about that quite a lot today so it was rather bazaar (in a good way) to see you write what I’d (for the most part) been thinking about as well =) Ugh enough me me me, yuck. Daf I’m really happy and feel a lot better knowing that there were people around who were responding to what you’d written (and I agree DOAR is incredible =) Although, and please forgive me if I’m over stepping here, if the above is your idea of ppl having there heads “Screwed on straight” that’s a rather disturbing definition and in that case I don’t think I ever want my head to be “Screwed on straight” As far as I’m concerned that’s definitely not something to aspire to. And yea so your judgmental of other ppl who are in their own ways judgmental as well, yea so what of it? Your above statement confuses me, are you saying you want to try to be without judgment? That question is meant to be neutral even though it doesn’t come out that way, but the only reason I ask bc I’m just trying to understand what your saying better. However as I stated before I’m probably stepping out of bounds with this line of thought and questioning so if that’s the case then feel free to ignore it, I’m ok with that, besides it’s not really any of my business anyway, it was just that what you wrote was a little confusing. Although mainly I’m just happy to know that their have been ppl who did respond to what you wrote and are there for you =) 140411 ... dafremen "screwed on straight" was written tongue-in-cheek. (Or finger in palm as it were.) Thanks again, yall! (Puts a saddle on the frog and rides off into the sunrise..) 140412 ... Doar doOd. You fucked up, during our con, you royally screwed the pooch. What were you doing? Scratching your past with a ruby misfortune? WTF dude? I am here for You! But the next conversation we have will be sober dude. Don't do that again man. Because I know where your head was at. I've walked, jogged and sprinted along the same fucking 666. I'm mad because you are better than letting yourself slip. Breathe in the good and Breathe out the bad my friend. Your mind is endless, but your booty aint. . 140412 ... dafremen I've never been a "fret over the meat puppet" kinda guy, Doar. You should know that by now. : ) Sorry about fucking your dog. I was drunk. : ( 140702 ... Doar Daf, I am always there for a friend. And you are my friend. You kept me when I was off my loon, you and all the blather_family, kept me losing my sanity in those dark moments, kept me together in order see what I had been seeing in myself was nothing but destruction. I know you are a good soul dealing with the shit of life. Done there, still being that person who questions everything when everything around you seems like a wall in a cave with no light. I do have a guiding light and it is love. I have written many items of love over the years here. They were of longing for love, getting past the longing of love and finding some sort of reason to go on living. You and many blatherskites kept reminding me that there are people out there that do care enough to even write some words to keep someone like me going. I don't fucking care about their reasons for doing so, they helped me just by saying something. Whether they were doing it for someway to alleviate their own guilt or pain, they helped. So I took that lesson and tried not to be judge mental of the inherent reasons. You all have given me the most grateful reason for being here still. I CONVERSED WITH, SHARED WITH, FELT WITH, FELL IN LOVE WITH, AND MARRIED A BEAUTIFUL INTELLIGENT AND SEXY WOMAN. My Rhin. Whom I never would have done any of those things without you and the blatherkin. My friends always have a home away from home. All they have to do is tell me when the transport is arriving. Anytime shit gets too fucked for any of my friends here I will open my door and smile, seeing you all walk in. 140702 ... Doar I don't know if I am even perceptive enough to give you an intelligent reply or consoling measures or even something that would keep you safe upon your travel. All I can do is be me, a friend. You will have to make up your own mind what catergory each of us who has spoken to you or written to you here is in which. That's freakin lame, but in my mind true. Take a step, then take another. Blink as you step past and the future one can be gone before we realize it. Running out of words right now doOd. . Your past and future friend. Doar . 140702 ... Bespeckled Hi Daf, I'm not sure what to say, but "hi". And maybe: We've never met, but we met over 10 years ago. A lot has changed, but I've realized that a lot hasn't. Circumstances for sure, scars and bumps and bruises have piled on, visions and experiences and things I've had to see and live through that I'd rather not have certainly come in to play. These things happening TO us do change us. The people coming into our lives, the marriages, the babies, the injuries, accidents, tears, celebrations, heartache. They bat against us like stormy water. They ebb and shape our clay vessels. But what doesn't really change - at least for me, and maybe for you - is that stuff inside the vessel. Your soft and feathery soul stuff. Mine is still in there, and when I come back here to blather, I feel it. And when I read your words, I feel it. And I remember you as a friend. Maybe not worthy of your friendship - and I wouldn't claim to be. But my definition of friend is interesting, because it's different for every person in my life. In my life, Daf, you were a friend. And a friend you'll always be. Despite the things that happen to me - or to you. My white feathery soul stuff at one point long ago felt a connection to yours, and for me, that can never change. 140825 ... daf We had a book to put together as I recall, P&C. Or something like that. I don't disagree with anything you've written here. You are my friend. 141101 what's it to you? who go blather from