occult rik mayall is my god Richie: Oh God, who'd be a Christian?! I mean, I've only got to sell my soul to the devil, and I could get twenty five years of amazing sex and cash! [A look of profound revelation spreads slowly across his face] Eddie: Richie, you'd be lucky to get twenty five P! Richie: That's it! It's perfect! [He turns slowly around to the other three, looking serious in a crazy kind of way] I'm going to raise the devil! I mean, in actual fact, I haven't been to church for years! And when I did go, I found it rather boring. Eddie: Oh yeah, and what are you going to do if he gets here? Richie: Well, we'll do something satanic and devily, won't we?! Eddie: [Sarcastically] What, like trick or treating?! Richie: No, like... Spudgun: Watching Emmerdale! Richie: Yes! Watch... No! No! Hedgehog: Taking him down the pub? Richie: No, no, no! It's got to be something supremely evil! Eddie: What? Like blowing off in a phone booth and running away? Richie: Yes, yes, that's much more the feel. Hedgehog: What does the devil drink? Spudgun: Blood, isn't it? Eddie: Yeah, virgin's blood. [All four look really nervous, scared!] Richie: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's virgin GIRLS blood. Other 3: [Sigh of relief, all relax again.] Richie: Oh, yeah, good, sorted, all sorted. Right, so anyone know any virgin girls? Other 3: No. Richie: Oh, anyone know any girls? Other 3: No. Richie: No, come on, Eddie! What about Ethel Cardue, your paramour. Eddie: She is neither a virgin, nor technically speaking, a girl. Besides which, she hasn't been speaking to my since the super glue incident. Hasn't been speaking to anyone much, actually. [mimes trying to talk with his lips superglued together] Richie: No, shut up, Eddie, shut up, shut up! This is a bloody good idea! All we've got to do is find out the secret incantation, raise him up, swing the deal and bob's your Uncle, I'll be shagging by half past two! Eddie, you make a pentangle, I'll nip up stairs and look up the secret devil raising incantation in my lady bird book of witches. Come on! Look lively, I'll buy you all a drink after my first shag! Eddie: Anyone got any pens? [Spudgun shakes his head.] Hedgehog: I've got a pencil. Eddie: It'll have to be a pencil tangle then. Scene 7. The Flat. ------------------- [Shot is focused on a pentagram on the floor. It is assembled with pens, pencils and kitchen implements. The plastic model skeleton lays in the middle with three burning candles and the ladybird book of witches around it. The shot pulls back to show Richie sitting and the other three kneeling on cushions, all are wearing dressing gowns hooded over their heads.] Richie: [calling out a cry of evil as Eddie, Spudgun & Hedgehog half heatedly do the same.] Oh come on you lot, put your backs into it! You're supposed to be devil worshippers, sound like your watching QPR! Eddie: [Defensive stance] Hey, careful! Richie: All right, all right, but come on! You couldn't raise a gnat's erection let alone the prince of darkness! Now come on, put your backs into it! All: [shouting the chants of evil!] Richie: Ohhh Blimey! Ooooh Blimey, right Eddie... Eddie! Eddie: What is it? Richie: Have you got the chalice? Eddie: No, it's just the way my dressing gown's rucked up around my waist. Spudgun: Why do we have to wear dressing gowns anyway? We look stupid. Richie: They're not dressing gowns, anus, they're cowls. Come on, I mean, what kind of devil worshippers are you? Spudgun: Ones that don't like wearing dressing gowns! Hedgehog: Do we get slippers? Richie: You don't wear slippers when your raising the evil one! Oh, never mind. I'll go and get the chalice myself. [Stands] Eddie: Oh no, I'll go, I'll go. Richie: No, no, no, don't bother yourself, I'll get it. But don't expect any spare off me when I've got seventeen birds all bouncing up and down on me non-stop. [Goes into the kitchen and gets the pan of Sprouts Mexican while Eddie makes a wanking to his mates.] Richie: Right, here we go! Oooooohhhh! [notices the others aren't following suit] OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!! [The others reluctantly join in the Ooooohs] Oooohhh Mighty one! Eddie: Ooooh blimey! Richie: We ask you... to come up... from, eh... Eddie: Come up... Richie: From, eh... You know... where ever it is... ahh... Eddie: Where ever... Richie: Ahh Well, unless someone else has called you up this evening. Ahh, which case, come across! Come across from there! Eddie: Come across, pop across... Richie: Instead of coming up from there... [Richie has walked back to the front of the three from the kitchen.] We show our dedication to your cause by eating the sprouts of evil!! 011220 ... and ade is pretty fab too (Bottom, the 'Terror' episode.) 011220 ... hsg tuesday labsang rampa 061107 what's it to you? who go blather from