lemon_sodas_cerement Lemon_Soda Standing there right in the middle of the nothing that drapes over my heart like a funeral cerement, stairing at two worlds, desperate and screaming for my attention... its horrifying... imagine every face you've ever had the light happy feeling attached to swirling before you, arguing the case for either side...sometimes they talk like they really want me to go with them, but every time they say something, the other world makes the same face that pushes you toward it instead... I'm swayed by the faces I watch most, and haunted by the ones I ignore... Its so difficult, owning a universe, an existence, a whole fucking dimension of reality... You try and try and try and every step you take seemed just right for one reason or another when you made it but shit just doesn't roll in a straight line... and now I have to choose. not immediatly right this second, kind of choice, but the horrible gut wrenching kind of choice you could make at anytime but you need to make sooner or later because right now your just wasting your own space trying to decide. Like a worm eating you from the inside...starts in your brain, ends in your heart. This world, or that. The left fork or the right. For all my powers as an augur, I can't see anything for myself. When i was totally committed to the life I was raised, I was so heavenly happy. I knew what was going down, I knew what I had to do in ANY(and I mean any) situation, and all the people I surrounded myself with loved me and supported me. then things got cloudy, and a door got opened, one small crack at a time until I was gaping at this whole other world right next to the one I was in. I grew older. I started walking in it more and more often. In the moments I gave myself to it I was again completely happy with myself and everything I did and I KNEW in the precious slices I experienced the people there with me loved me and helped me along when I needed it... How do you pick from two perfections? Especially when they declare WAR fucking WAR on each other? I want to rip my face off and give it to someone...anyone...just... someone else... but then I'd blow my shot at either... I've got a sweet taste on my tongue...something I fought against for the sake of advice...GOOD advice...but it smells so good and tastes even better... shit Heh. Theres a switch and a riddle for those in the know. Whats it take to get Lemon cussing? Don't know? Take a look at my list and tell me how many of my posts have the words fuck or shit in it. If it wasn't for the nothing cerement I would probably be screaming and clawing the walls and throwing things...I need ritual...special ritual... the feeling you have when you want everyone to think its out of your control but you KNOW its not and couldn't ever be. Such a dull buzz in the back of my attitude...the ambient light of my heart is leaking so softly from under the cerement its effect is still felt...the buffer keeps me contained... ...I suddenly felt fear that someone I know might come along and yank that cerement off at the worst time... and my life will turn to shit OR a sunny, grassy field. I don't think I'm being clear enough on a certain point. I'm not frustrated, I'm hysterically outraged. But I'm also euphorically happy. I'm boucning up and down with rage and elation, twirling my passion, tasting the sweet and bitter cup at the same time. I'm filling up, bubbling to the top... the fuse is lit, but will I get fireworks or a bomb? I know now what is meant to be a person of great passions...and i am AWED by the people I know that fit such a description and arn't locked up(not that I wish it on them)...hell, even seem saner than ME some times, and theres another catch for avid Soda fans who know what my opinions on sane are. The cerement must burn, the cord must be cut...and maybe thats my first clue on how to get out of this mess...or do I shoot to make it worse? blurgh. Confusion. My brain is siezing up... I hope I don't have to talk on this anymore for a bit...Lord help me if I'm confronted when i don't have a blue screen to filter it out of my fingers instead of my mouth... 040209 ... not the repeater repeating a repeat a phoenix can't travel back to the place of it's birth 040209 ... pipers yep, life through your fingers sounds so much closer to what's in your head...and do not be afraid of feeling great passion- those of us who actually allow themselves that kind of intimacy with their real selves are blessed because *that* is truly what living is. hugs for you. 040209 ... Lemon_Soda my own head is turning into my favorite/worst drug... 040210 ... laughing_coyote Here is where I should put in the comforting words about how it will all be better, about how you will make the right choices for you etc. But we both know that we are sometimes damned by our choices. Heh. I have always said the pool of lemon_soda runs deeper than most think. The only advise I can offer is that you look inward and make the choices that YOU want to make. They may be wrong, they may be right, but they will be yours. I (and any who truly care for you) will back your play. Remember that the world is not black and white. You are one of the few people I've ever had the joy of meeting that could take elements of these warring sides and forge something unique and wonderful. Never doubt your own strength. Thou art god. 040210 ... fixer . 040210 ... Lemon_Soda *smiles a warm fuzzy smile, both in and out* 040210 ... Lemon_Soda oOOOOoooohhhhh.... why does the world suck today? where did this crappy crap crappy feeling eak itself ito my being? why am i snapping on the "best" of my freinds and completely ignoring anyone I believe beneath my attention? why am I drinking before noon and why couldn't I get out of bed today, staring at the ceiling for hours, until 1030 when I usually get up at 5 am? was a bad plac e tomuch at one point, or am I gchanged in my attitudes? who was must be destroyed before I can become who I will be, but arn't you killing some of the things that you liked about me best? what happens when all the stuff that atrracted you to me in the first place is replaced by its opposite? won't that make me revolting to you? AAARGggghhh! there I did it i screamed out loud and got several stare. I wish they'd go jump in a tree chipper or something. a freind said write when you most passionate but he didn't specifuy the em otion and now Ithink I may know where he coming from. I'm supposed to be incharge of my own happiness but i carted it out a day and a half ago... fuck. con someone please tell me whether or not I 'm m aking a mistake trying to open myself up? the world seemed a bit simpler when all I had to do was love and support. good things came from this, ya know? I don't want money, or even all the fancy shit it buys. I want 2 sqaure meals a day and a place to sleep...I can entertain myself at that point. but NNOOOOOOOOooo you gotsta get educated. you gotsta be spiritual. you gotsta look good aqnd give a shit and work hard.... ....all I want is to be at ease not have to think beyond my specualtions.... yesturday there was grief, today there is hope, and tommorrow could be anything at all... me make me happy. grr. 040219 ... pd i dont know either, or i'd tell you...all i can say is that we set ourselves up for destruction with the invisible crapshit we think is so important.....education and money and degrees and cars and houses and television sets...and then we all think being a good decent honest person is better than all of that...make up your mind, its either-or but NNNNOOooOOOOOOOOO humans are so full of shit. 040219 ... hostess of hell are you stronger for having been in the bad place? did you learn from it? will you recover? what is it you are afraid of letting go of? what will it be replaced with? do you feel the universes that brush up against yours, even in your absence? do you remember that you are cherished, and though the universe dances and everything shifts, you always will be? 040219 ... Lemon_Soda The strength earned from such an experience HAS to give me an edge because the trauma/drama/hurt that came with it fades to quickly to a dull ache. Momma and Poppa know best after all. As for the bad place...I think I can deal with things, which is the only way I can put it. There are some universes out there, though, that I see no reason nor have I any desire to mingle in for any length of time nor to intimate levels. He is one. I'll leave it at that. 040219 ... misstree momma and poppa erred blindly and at least one still isn't done dealing herself damage for it, but that is private penance. the extent of that particular universe was unknown, and it will *not* be darkening the doorstep of the nest again, except possibly with rust-red spurts and strangled screams. fury with that one has hardened, and rests reluctantly in sheath. boundaries were pushed for all, and when the final tally is examined, despite the Wrongness of so much of it, (so much so much so much so much) there was still strange profit for all worth being concerned about. you are Well, and i am relieved. you are More, and i am joyous. sometimes, rare and brutal tools are wielded for best effect. remember that two took part of your suffering into themselves without any promise of profit. all were teachers that night. 040219 ... Lemon_Soda I will not dream a thousand paths only to wake and walk my old one, and i'll hold no grudge or ill thought for any who have walked it with me in pleasent mood for so long. You've kept tigers from leaping and eating me, shown me home when I had none, and we've played stone toss more times then I can remember. fire may boil water but think of this as I do: what is a bath with out this warmth, what of coffee and tea, and how many great meals can be cooked without it?(sphaghetti!yay!) In truth my fear was avoided and replaced by the repercussions of speaking my mind...a close one said to me that it was beyond possiblity for me to enjoy my physical form when my spirit was opposed, so my choice, painful at the time, was correct and I recieved the support I needed for it. You have affirmed for me no need to lament and my only sadness now comes from lack of someone to hug as I write this. But I guess I can give a rain check out for that. Remember our greatest moments are always around the corner or hiding up our sleeves. Lets go find them. 040219 ... Lemon_Soda Stupid stupid people! Jerky, squeezy, sucky people! If I were a sponge of happiness they just keep on ringing me into their buckets. Do you really think i have something you don't? YOU can make YOU happy! You DON"T NEED ME! STOP TAKING IT! your hurting me Fuck it, I'm swearing off people for awhile. No body gets me. Nobody touches me. Nobody talks to me. my world is not excepting dignitaries. the borders are CLOSED. Leave me alone until this burning sob dissipates out of my chest and I can wake up in the morning and be glad I did so. Bastards. Me.memememememememememMEEEEEEEEEEE! I need to rebuild. I need to meditate. I need to be with ME for awhile. go away you greedy, sick, poisioning little people. smile stealers, razor tickles dipped in salt. Dream squashers, mind molestors, those who burgle the happy... I'll wring my hands and mutter under my breath. I'll look at people with disgust or as if they arn't there at all. My favorite answer will be no followed by a stinging insult. Converstation with me will leave people drained, slightly confused, and offended. take your armies back from whence they came and take no more of my dream stuffs. I have had enough of it. Your invisble chains are choking the life out of me...your system is slowely replacing my body like some kind of spiritual virus. you make my mouth taste like I just puked up a bean burrito and skol vodka... I know spite and you'll recieve it if you dare assail my castle. be wary of a pacifist wrath. 040226 ... .fallen the unclean touch will taint the pure ... some touches will always taint ... blessing or curse ? ... most likely a curse but whose? .... these words mean nothing 040226 ... Lemon_Soda I am drunk on anger, a vintage I have not enjoyed in my waking memory before. I feel ruined. I'll not lay claim to hate, but anger, spite, and loathing are indeed on my plate. A dry piece of wood being eaten by bugs in the middle of the forest, rotting. My concept has been compromised. A reality quake has hit me. Of happiness and our ability to control our own I say this: I don't WANT to be happy right now. I want to scream and rant and break things. I want to bleed negativity to anybody foolish enough to pursue me. I've got a karmic dice pool three miles high and I'm cashing it in NOW. to all things there is a season and I'm blowing a monsoon. to my freinds and family, I beg distance and patience. to my enemies, Come on over and eat from my plate. 040226 ... Lemon_Soda I got up and went to work. The entire time it took me to clean the shop floors I was listening to a v day mix a good rev.j. gave me. seemed so surreal that I could listen to them, feel them, and enjoy them all the while still feeling how I do. nate and ryans birthday party is tonight. two people I've known for 6 years, one of them one of my best freinds. i'm not going. i'd yell at them for no good reason, I know it. or I'd suck the energy out the party. being isn't enough anymore...it was, now its not.. I cried dry tears into the sofa this morning...I don't think liquid tears fell because I'm empty enough right now. that or she caught them before they slid down my cheeks and into the pillow. I seem to be able to hold up my mask around my roomates and landlady, but only barely and they have already began asking me "whats wrong". I don't like that question. they should except the character I'm giving them till I figure this out. I can't avoid the people I live with very easily. my world seems so ugly. fingers dipped in used engine oil are splattered and traced along my body. i used a razor to remove the covering to a teeth kiss on my side. ripping it off hurt to much but the bleeding helped immensely. my hands shake more than before, but only when I'm drinking something...fire water has made it onto my every other day list. the brief escape of drowning my brain can't continue...I won't let it my logical think has decided. but sleep and masturbation arn't enough. I need something else. books help, but I can only read a page or two before I put it down and pick up another. I'm reading 23 titles now, all one page at a time. and I have no idea what a singal one of them is really about... I'm soul sick and I don't know why...spiritual depression is making me shun my fellow realities...they grate and sear on my brain like a red hot cheese grater. there is no real reason why they should. i guess its cause their people too. but atleast nature has a way of saying "don't touch" and they've headed it. people. people. people. to many people. stop reading this...it might get you to. when I listen to the radio in my car, I used to hit the search button so the channel would change every few seconds...I remember hearing "faces look ugly when your alone". its true. I wonder what I'm thinking on the other side of my mirror. did he spend his whole life how I am now, just for us to switch so he can be happy for awhile? or is he my angel, watching me and shaking his head with those dead eyes, just the same as me... no anger today. just resentment and meloncholy. almost a song, or atleast a rythm. guides my tongue, my fingers, and my eyes. you can't help dancing the dance when you are the rythm. heard something like that on the radio to. someone yanked my cerement off... ...was it me? 040227 ... Lemon_Soda it was a war really. a war in my brain case and heart. when your fighting a fight like that other people seem to just get in the way. someone or something moved in, yanked off the cerement, and brought alot of new roomates with it. i think ive found a place for everyone to sleep. Maybe I should get a bigger place. its still slightly annoying because I wasn't expecting SO MANY new recruits/freinds/enemies/concepts/corpses..like getting more work than you can handle in a day and being asked to do so... neat, however, given that I've got so many new opinions in my head to deal with and mix together I don't know if I'll EVER be the same...but why would I ever want to be the same? my castle staff has filled out nicely, two new advisors, a hangman(not an executioner, but a hangman. go fig) and a standing army that I've relugated to my ego to control for now. Something nasty in the basement turned into something seductivly deadly in the basement, ally scrolls have taken vacations, though i think they'll come back when all these new bones stop growing. The flock of imps with black skin but seem to glow anyway are determinanntly playful if such a term exists and I find them very entertaining(wish they'd stop tipping over my older vases, but what are you gonna do?)The palace looks great, and I'm enjoying no new or old ambassadors from other realities attempting to force an audience, though my standing embassies always have something to say. I also visited a good wizards abode whom had a drink that lightened my spirits immensly at the time. As soon as the redecorating is finished and I can fully grasp everything that has changed about my manor I'll reopen my gates to the general din of concepts and realities whom i frequent so often. 040228 ... Lemon_Soda Slight smiles for me for my work load will be lighter from now on. school goes well, and hey, I don't think everyone should fuck off and die any more, either. Its good. I'll give it that. My mind is falling back into plane with little more to worry about except a hanging feeling of unease, but its easily ignored with the right distractions...student campus partys are so boring. All they do is stand there, drink, and talk. No play what so ever...might as well go to a bar, atleast they pool and bar arcade boxes. Sheesh. Revolutions turn and revelations are made known. I'm not sure I want to run out and start being social again, but I'm eeking my way back into it so i don't turn into a lush recluse, as fun as its (not)been this weekend. a freind of mine who is abhorently against drugs said to me out of the blue(hehehehe.Blue.hehehehe.)that as a writer, a true and serious writer, he thinks I would make a most natural picture sitting at a typewriter with a joint in my mouth. I asked him why and he said because the joint would keep me focused, something I'm normally not good at and could agree with him on, and the typewriter over a computer because I'm an oldschool born in the new school and the clickity clack of the machine suited my concept as a writer. I so agree with him. well, todays payday and I have a hell of alot of shite to do. Gotta get a new box, pt some work into my car, save for a new one, throw down for a trip downsouth this springbreak and pay a freind back. I should have enough cash to do this, though I may only have a coupla twenties for fun stuff later this week. Ehy. we'll see how it goes. I'm pretty tired so I'm gonna go take a nappy now before class. 040301 ... Lemon_Soda Yay successful alieanation of all i hold dear! never thought you could sit down on a sandpapered broom handle like that and not even notice, but hey, who am I complaining? atleast I was honest with my feelings. Ladies and genetlmen, I have notheing interesting say what so ever and am more than likely just fulfilling an aching need of the fingers to be pressing out garbldiegook for my own amusement. life is great. death'll be fun to, but I'm not quite sure where it fits into my scheduale. gursh me grey matter arst confuzzin. one day I'll figure out how to think again... okay...this is getting pretty bad. rambleing on and on with no real point at all is so not my style. I get a certain concept into my head and pursue it until its dead or I'm getting to many stares, not just random implications of possible manifested concpetuals. Burgh. Burgh and chez. hah! that ought to do it. I don't know how I'll react to people till i see um again at this point. Some people I liked hanging out with are now annoyances, some people I really didn't like I find myself wanting to see, and the weirdest impressions of exceptible behavior seem to be squinching their way out of no where with nothing on but a smile and wink for the flabbergasted(no better word for it) party on the recieving end. awell. maybe I don't need that cerement after all. its so bright now I can see alot clearer. I'll run with it for a bit and hope I don't offend to many more people... 040301 ... Lemon_Soda Decisions, decisions. 040302 ... notme joint & typewriter nice combo 040303 ... Lemon_Soda I just want to watch, right now. Thats all...just watch. 040308 ... Fatal Flower hmmm.... 040309 ... Lemon_Soda Somethings missing and I don't know what it is. Everything seems alright. or atleast it should. But I have this horrible urge to get up and go. I've been stagnate to long. I'm ready to run. But there's so much left to do... 040310 ... Lemon_Soda Interesting times, I'll give it that. I want to think that I'm making progress, but someone once said to me "Making the decision is easy, its slipping into the way you used to act thats tough not to do..." So I wonder. Alot of my goals have slipped. All small things, to. None of them made it past a week. Reading, writing, excersise, etcetc. Determination...wheres my determination? My dad said that because I associate making decisions(and keeping them) with an overwhelming risk to fail, I try to avoid responsibility so I am not put in the position to make a decision nor am I expected to fulfill or carry it on. A self made comfort zone. But I have to take responsibility if I want to be there for who needs me the most. Alot of people love me, but I don't think they like me at all. So why can't I just "do it"? 041122 ... Lemon_Soda I...really don't have much to complain about. If anything I would say that I'm disappointed that I don't have a partner...seems to be the only thing missing. Kind of a catch 22 though, because I don't really see anyone as attractive right now. I keep on thinking about how I'm progressing and how I need someone who can keep pace and share it all with me. But how do i know? What criteria do i use to just that? Or will love come again the same way it did before? Lord, i hope so. I've never just "known" something before that...its a great feeling when for no reason at all theres not even a shadow of a doubt... Well, I guess since i know its possible I can just wait for it...I just hope I don't have to wait to long. 050510 ... Lemon_Soda OH good gosh. My girlfriend broke up with me last night over the phone. Why? Because I work to much. Me. I...work to much. How many of you kno wme? IS this right? IS this correct? Am i doing to much and not enough? Lord, preserve me, I swear. 070218 ... misstree you've always worked longer hours than most people i know. from what else i know of the situation (as of a bit back, anyway), it was likely that she didn't feel she was getting enough of you, and percieved it as a temporal thing rather than a sharing. do what makes you happy, whatever it is. i've seen the light that comes into your eyes with accomplishment. 070218 ... Lemon_Soda You XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXX. Don't you know what a XXXXXXX joke it all is? Open your XXXXXXX eyes and XXXXXXX feel what Im feeling! Why do you take everyone elses XXXXXXX s.o.b. stories, even XXXXX who have every ability and reason to fix their XXXX but don't, But everyone looks at me like I've betrayed a XXXXXXXXX sacred trust or something. I havee too listen too you whiny XXXXXX with an open and soft heart and you XXXXXXX XXXXX keep pounding the XXXX out of it like YOU CANT CARE! I have to feel it al the time I'm getting XXXXXXX numb like if you stick your hand in and out of the fire and it keeps XXXXXXX burning and it hurts and hurts until you cant XXXXXXX HURT ANY XXXXXXXXX MORE! (DISCLAIMER: NOT AIMED AT ANY BLATHERSKITE! JUST VENTING!) 080307 ... LittleLostRidingHood Its when the tears fall frozen from your cold heart that the arctic freeze of apathy sets in. Stab yourself with the icicles that collect like stalactites around your empty eyes - remind yourself of the diaphanous liquid that warm and salted can melt the big freeze. I have felt the blood of a bitch broil through my veins, searing my arteries in furious torrents, but biting it down, forcing the tidal wave the miasma of feelings to subside, to hide, to bury itself in the darkest corners of lost and yet treasured lament. I want to spew forth the crashing symphonies of expletives the fuckshitcuntwhoremotherfucker that is searing the back of my eyeballs - rising in the back of my throat like a flaming bile from the depths of hell, I want to vomit the biased, bigoted, dogmatic unfairness of it all right onto the feet of every mother-fucker who ever crossed me. But as usual I keep my eyes down. My mouth shut. My anger slow-boiling inside, simmering on the flame of life. Waiting until something gives. Something small, and then is when I will worry. Knows how you feel I think Lemon... 080308 ... Lemon_Soda So I'm engaged again and...she needs her space. Somehow, life had gotten to stressful for her and she needed a break from everything. Friends, family, job, Me. Hey, thats cool, I understand. I wish she hadn't ignored my calls for two weeks before she decided to tell me this. And I still haven't heard from her for over 3 weeks. I left a message yesturday(the only call I've made since she needed aslone time)asking if I could take her out to dinner for valentines, and where as I hoped for a response I can say i pretty much expected to get ignored again. I have a loyal heart. I won't call it quits until she does. But sometimes I wonder how wise a decision it is to marry someone who doesn't want me around them for more than 5 weeks now. I just don't understand it...Its so wonderful for like a year(yes this has happened before) and all of the sudden they just can't see themwselves with me. I don't lie, I don't steal, I don't cheat, I don't hit. I go out of my way to make time. I make good money, I excercise, I keep a good attitude. I'm loyal. WHAT THE FUCK. I've learned my lesson, though. I'll be cool about what I'm pretty sure is coming. Not really my place to do anything but smile, tell her its alright and we should get together for dinner sometime and have a nice life, can I please have my DVD's though, because I haven't finished watching Samurai 7 and GITSAC is just my favorite. Sure, i'll be around, and no, you go ahead and keep the ring. I want you have it so you won't forget that I love you. Yeah, its sappy, but its not my size anyway, so please just keep it. I'll call you next week and we'll catch up. Bye. 090214 ... misstree *forests full of treehugs* i wish i had any sort of answer or comfort for you. all i can say is that i love you to bits, darling. you are truly deeply amazing. so says i. 090215 ... unhinged damn dude. that fucking sucks. i know what that whole loyalty to a fault thing feels like. my own stubborn loyalty documented in these blue pages. but it takes years of abuse to break my love down to it's smallest parts. whenever i try to ignore others the way they ignore me, it hurts me more than it hurts them. so i guess i kinda know how you feel, and it wrenches my heart a little. for you, for me, for us. the loyalists of the world always get shit on the hardest. 090216 ... Lemon_Soda You son of a bitch. You mother fucking piece of fucking shit. You black gooey tar stink nasty icky self grandizing narcisitic deviant bastard. You son of awhore goat. You rum basted wind scorched fire smoked dung bathed self centered lemon juice in my lacerated and grated wound. I fucking hate you you toad spit piece of shit. I can't wait for you to get hit by a truck, get dragged 50 feet as your legs get slowley removed one block at a time and your guts eventually spill at and get nibgbled on by rats without any reduction in the sensation your nerves are sending to your brain, you opus of fucktardieriy. 090303 ... Harold grow the fuck up. 090304 ... Lemon_Soda I come to this blathe to drop my negative emotions in a place where I can express them safely. That is the entire purpose of the cerement. Sometimes its philosphical, sometimes its acidic, sometimes its just plain nasty. In either case, i don't feel particularly childish for doing so. Childish would be taking it out on other people. So, STFU you doo-doo head. Theres some childish for you. 090304 what's it to you? who go blather from