silentbob "Shit!" Alvin said and didn't even think about the fact that i could hear him. He was 14 and i was 12 and although he'd begun swearing in front of me the year before, i knew for a fact that he swore a lot when he wasn't in front of me. and i'd never heard him say the S word before. I'd never heard him say the F word, and when i asked him if he'd ever said the R word, he said, "What's the R word?" and i just smiled and shook my head, totally faking him out. I was sure he respected me a little more for knowing a word he didn't know, even though it was made up.

I never heard him swear in front of mom except once when he was my age and he wasn't allowed to watch MTV for two whole weeks. But that was after Dad died, after Alvin got really sad and Mom got really crazy.

"Shit!" he said it again, with more urgency, and this time instead of not responding like i usually do, ignoring him so he'll think i'm cool and maybe invite me along to Andrew's house to watch Comedy Central, because he thinks i'm cool, like him and Andrew, i say:

"What even is it?"

We're standing on opposite sides of a bridge, looking down into different parts of the same green stream of trickling water.

"You know all those rocks i had sitting on the rail?"

"Yuh huh"

"And you know how i was throwin 'em? Down into that ravine?"

"Yuh huh"

"Well one of those rocks... hit one of those boys over there. And now he's coming over here."

"Yuh-oh" i said. "Should we run?"
"Run? No way, Mark. You a pussy?"

Oh, no. Shit and pussy in the same day. My life was spiraling out of control.

"Alvin, i don't want to be here when those kids get here. They're older. They're tough kids."

"We're tough kids too, don't worry about it. I'll take care of them."

Alvin got beat up in the sixth grade for calling someone in the grade above his a "dyke." Alvin had been in a few fights since then, but... never really won, ever.

The boys came up out of the ravine and approached us with their huffy bikes. They were dressed in black and had band t-shirts with inpronouncable names on them.

"Which one of you little faggots was throwing rocks at us?"

"Neither one of us" alvin said.

"Yeah? I don't believe you. You think you're a big bad ass cuz you throw rocks at people? Cuz you're not!"

"It wasn't us, man," Alvin said. I thought it was a good idea to call him "man," a good idea on alvin's part.

"Don't be a little bitch, kid. We can really hurt you. My friend here's a blackbelt."

Alvin and i both understood that a blackbelt meant that he really could hurt us, as if there had been a moment where we were unsure whether or not his friend could take us down, but now that we had been told he was a blackbelt, now we knew it was true. it had been confirmed.

"I'm not saying we threw the rocks," Alvin said. "But... whoever did it, it was probably an accident. And they weren't trying to hit you with them."

The boys started laughing, loud gutteral mean kid laughs.

"Alvin, let's go" i whispered.

"Is that your girlfriend, Alvin?" Alvin looked at me, as if he had been betrayed that i had said his name aloud, and i was filled with a hatred for myself.

"He's my brother."

"You're not supposed to make out with your brother, Alvin." one said, and the others laughed.

"We weren't making out,"

"Yes you were, you guys are brothers and you were making out."

"Duh! You guys... duh!"

They laughed a little more, and sneered at us, and then they turned around and left.

"Wow," i said. "Glad that's over. Let's go home. It's almost five."

"Oh, i'm not.. i'm eating at Andrew's tonight."

"Are you guys going to watch comedy central?"


"Can i come?"

"No way, mark, you totally made that situation worse for us. If you had just kept your mouth shut it would have been fine. i told you i had it under control."

"SO i can't come to andrews?" i asked again


"Fuck." i said.
amy in red blue I don't have a gun but the next guy does and he's pretty new at being crazy and besides all his life up to 1999 pluto was inside neptune's orbit how can anybody bear that switch all of a sudden. Anyway he's capable of killing anybody who seems like ben franklin winking to him because he's not me- he owns that gun! all you have to do is pull out his personhood rug!

So i guess this means we all gotta watch Game of Thrones together bc Breaking Bad left a hole in our hearts. You know, GoT. Then, life will just pretend like it is not ok. that's easier. It is. Who cares when the future is guaranteed Wall-E. You won't need guns in the space station. It's all part of mother earth's plan-- there's always a big old plan- the kids won't be left behind don't worry-
dafremen I'm not a big fan of all of this no swearing in front of the kids thing.

Now before you grab the pitchforks and start chucking rocks at me, let me explain.

See, I know that I'm a fucked up piece of shit.

You seem like intelligent, observant people. Wouldn't you say that it's likely that I'm a bit or even more than bit fucked up in the head? Go ahead. It's ok. You have permission to hurt my feelings.

So am I a fucked up piece of shit?

Of course I am! I swear, I drink, I smoke pot, I touch myself in places that I'm not sure I even legally have permission to touch. Let's face it. I'm a disgusting piece of human conditioning. Who the fuck would want to be like me? Right?

I'll tell you who. Any kid that doesn't have anyone else to look to.

Because kids look to adults for their answers. (Apparently they're attracted to not-so-bright objects.)

And when their parents aren't around, they look to other adults: teachers, older kids, adults on TV.

And you would think.."Hey! That's a no brainer!" So don't swear in front of the kids. You're going to fuck them up!"

Well..yea but, unless you're willing to give up swearing yourself, you're going to fuck them up twice as bad if you don't swear in front of them.

Yea. That's right. You'll fuck 'em up! Because kids are tiny spies you grow yourself like sea monkeys. They will discover all of your deepest darkest secrets and then, years later when they want something from you, they will use this information against you.

"Yea, Dad?! Well I don't see what the big deal is! You and mom smoke weed!"

(shocked look)"Oh fuck! How did she find out about that? We were so careful!"

Spy satellites. That's how.

And now what are you to your kid? You're not just a dope smoking parent, you're a pretentious, LYING parent who smokes dope. And of course, like we said before, kids look to adults for the answers.

And we wonder why the world is quickly filling up with people who don't just have shitty habits, they have shitty habits and they're pretentious liars. Woo hoo!

That's how it works. Our kids aren't going to see us as a better people because we thought they were easily deceived morons.

Hell, that just makes us training dummies.

We're getting them ready for the rest of the hypocritical, lying fucked up people they're going to meet as they go through life in this amazing. miraculous, fucked up little world all of us beautiful, intelligent fucked up little pieces of shit made possible.

Anyhow that's my reason for not giving a shit if I swear around kids.

You see, I'm too lazy to stop swearing. It's a real effort. And quit smoking pot? Yea..fahgedaboutit.

So, until I can get MY shit together, why am I asking some kid to get his shit together? Hell his shit started OUT together until he started hanging out with people like us!
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