thorn's_space thorn I am making my space in blue, because I suddenly realized I don't want to use my blog anymore. Too many people I used to be friends with read it for me to be comfortable saying anything real on it. And it helps me to just put things out, to say them. And I am overwhelmed, because I'm applying to the governor's school for the arts, and my audition is a week from saturday. And I'm nowhere near ready. And I need a mirror for a painting sort of thing, but I don't have one. I think most of my art sucks badly. I don't like when people tell me I draw well or my art is good, because I don't believe them, so I say, no, it's not and then I worry that they think I'm rude or mean or something, but I honestly don't think it's any good, and I just can't believe them when they say it is. I don't like who I am. There are too many things wrong with me. And I have a crush on a boy in my english class who has a girlfriend. And I have a small crush on a senior girl in my art class. So I'm also feeling confused about whether I'm bi, or just bi-curious, or what. And I'm lonely. So I'm just a big mess of teenage angsty stuff. 060105 ... thorn three_words was every fitting defence that seems significant. 060105 ... thorn or rather, defense 060105 ... thorn fuck i shouldn't watch romantic movies when i'm already sad. watching romantic movies = sad lonely thorn 060107 ... thorn my dad has fallen into his trap of blaming me for everything that goes wrong. obviously it's all my fault, even when i don't know what's going on. some people liked my camera and photos that i had today at school, and some other people liked my new jeans, but i still feel weird. 060110 ... thorn well, that was fun. had a lovely conversation with one of my best friends about how i'm pretty sure i'm bi. she's lesbian, so i thought she would take it better, but apparently not. she was pretty good about it, but still. not very fun. oh well. 060112 ... thorn i think she thinks i don't trust her or something now, which is crazy, because i do. i just don't see why it's such a big deal, and i just wasn't really sure about it for a while. and my birthday's on monday. we were planning on hanging out. i don't know if we're still going to. she says she's not mad, and i don't really think she is, but i don't know. 060112 ... thorn nice. starting a new semester with a 60% in chemistry. i don't really like any of my friends, and i'mg etting sick. damn. 060201 ... thorn should be "i'm getting" not i'mg etting 060201 ... u24 i think i was just going to comment on the lack of anonymity i have on blather. and that I've never seen the point of blogging communities because, as you say, as you make friends you get to moan about them less. :-) 060203 ... u24 i'm also getting ill. 060203 ... thorn well, i don't actually care about anonymity on blather, really, more just that the people who used to be my friends, or who think they are but aren't really, etc, don't really some of the stuff i have to say. sometimes it's about them, and sometimes it's just stuff that i don't want to tell them but need to say somewhere. blogging communities are kind of weird, i only ever got into xanga, really, because i could show some kids my photos through it. then i stopped posting photos on it, so now only a few of my "friends" read it. 060204 ... thorn and i'm sorry you're getting ill, i hope you feel better. i didn't go to school yesterday, so now i feel slightly better, if only because i slept for almost a whole day. 060204 ... thorn ok, so now my friend's mom kind of hates me or something. i was on the phone with my friend, and she apparently put me on speakerphone, which, now that i think about it, i should have realized, because i could hear her sister. but i didn't, because i'm dumb. but so, her sister kept hitting her and kind of yelling and stuff, so i said something like "your little sister seems kind of annoying," and then she was like "i dunno, she's ok." so then her mom get on and is all like "you shouldn't have said that, she's just a little kid, she's really sensitive, you'll hurt her feelings," etc. and from what she said, she doesn't sound mad, but man, her tone of voice, she was way mad. and i apologized, but i doubt she cared. so yeah, i realize i was an idiot, but really, my friend's sister is like 10 or something, someone saying she seems a bit annoying shouldn't hurt her that much. so then my friend said she had to go, and we said bye and everything. i need to not even talk to people. i feel like a total idiot. i hate when i do stupid stuff like this, because i'm really not like that, sometimes i just don't think, like when i'm in a weird mood, which i am now. in other news, i've pretty much finished a mixed media painting thing today, so that makes me feel better. i still feel like an idiot though. 060204 ... thorn fuck that is still bugging me. i need to get my mind onto something else. 060204 ... thorn ok that isn't really bothering me anymore. i'm feeling so weird and gross though, because i'm sick, and i really really don't want to go to school tomorrow. school is often useless because no one wants to learn anything. no one cares about anything. i finished a mixed media painting thing this weekend, so that makes me happy. i'm trying to figure out what i'm doing for the next one. 060205 ... thorn if i can't figure out what i want to say, so i can get these thoughts out of my head, i will go insane. i am thinking about things growing living moving green things everything is alive everything is connected and so many sad things, how do you see the happy things? all i see is sad things on people's faces people being ignored insulted left behind and they don't pay attention to me but they just look so sad. so many things are wrong. and if everything is connected because it is alive and there is movement however small (atoms?) then how do some people not care about or realize emotions and how others feel and how can you not feel things like that? thoughts buzzing around in my head are insects, thought bugs, are incoherent, are driving me crazy, i can't make sense of them. i don't have time to think. too much time being logical and mathematical and boring no time to think. and finding friends that i actually like would be a good idea. 060207 ... thorn went with my friend to the concert with the academy is and panic at the disco, it was at the norva tonight. it was pretty fun, i don't really like any of those bands that much but it was fun to get out and listen to music. it was way more crowded and loud and stuff than the other shows i've been to there, like bright eyes and the shins. i don't think pop punk/emo/dance is really my type of music. i saw one of my old friends and her boyfriend, they left after a while though. it was pretty fun i guess, i actually got out and went somewhere with people. 060214 ... thorn contrary to popular belief, lame jokes about it being valentine's day and how virginia is for lovers are not really funny. people should stop saying them. 060214 ... thorn i need a better camera, and i will buy one since i have tons of birthday money, and then i will take it everywhere with me and actually take pictures, which i haven't done since august because i suck. i need to get myself out of this spirally depressive moodthing. argh. 060215 ... thorn everytime i look at this the thing that first jumps out at me is "no, it's not" from the first post.i think that's kind of weird. in other news, i am developing this kind of crush on a kid who goes to my school who i saw at a show the other day. i don't know him at all though, i just think he's hot because he has red hair, and obviously likes decent music since he was at the show. so that's kind of weird, too. whatever. my throat hurts. i can't talk right. 060217 ... thorn omg stress. i have to make a video or skit satirizing scene kids by friday (day after tomorrow). i have no idea what i'm gonna do. fuck. 060222 ... thorn video went way way better than expected, my class and another class that saw it loved it, my friend has it on her myspace. ha. 060301 ... thorn what i wanted to blathe yesterday but couldn't because blather was down: i was mistaken for a boy a few days ago. i thought that was weird, i don't look like a boy, i have a chest and hips and whatnot. also another boy told me he thought i was a lesbian for a while but then realized i wasn't because "well she's smart and gay people aren't smart," according to him. i hate stuff like that because when i try to laugh about it with people they're all like "haha well you're really straight right?" and then it's awkward because i'm bisexual but i don't want to tell them that because most of the people i know are homophobic (living in virginia is not fun, it is way too conservative for me). so i usually just kind of agree and change the subject. 060319 ... thorn so i am freaking out because other people who applied to governor's school heard that they got in today, and i haven't heard anything yet. although the only people i know of who've heard applied for music and i didn't, so maybe art department is later or something. also a boy i know told me i should wear my brown cords tomorrow, i think probably he will wear his and then be like "oh haha we match," which is kind of lame. maybe he won't though. in response to isitjustmeorcouldnooneblathetoday and blather being broken this weekend, i wouldn't really care if blather died, but i would want to know for sure, otherwise i would be wondering whether it was really dead or if it was just my computer or something weird. 060321 ... thorn i have newish shoes, they are black converse with skulls, they make me happy. 060321 ... thorn wait listed for governor's school for the second fucking year in a row. the letter says "we encourage you to take art classes at your home school." oh, yes, thanks, even though all we do in the art classes at my school is mess around and as real art classes, they suck. right. so fuck that, i guess, because i'm just not good enough. and today was a good day until i got home and found that letter, too. i talked to the boy i like and he liked my brown cords and said wednesday should be brown cords day, since he was wearing his too, and i had fun with some of my friends and people liked my photos. fuck. some of my artwork, mostly just my photos, is online at my deviant_art, if anyone wants to look and tell me what they think, because my friends say it's good but i don't believe them. xrunwithscissorsx.deviantart.com 060322 ... thorn dammit i have such a bad crush on this dude in my english class. and i don't know if he has a girlfriend still, so i dunno if he's single or what. even if he was, i don't think i'd do anything. i fucking hate this. 060323 ... thorn I don't think some of my "friends" realize that not having tons of friends =/= never wanting to hang out with anyone outside of school ever. is very lonely tonight. 060324 ... thorn or rather, just because i don't have tons of friends like some of my friends do, that doesn't mean i never want to hang out with anyone outside of school. i mean, i'm all for spending time alone and stuff, but god, i don't think i've really done anything with my "friends" outside of school since like maybe november or something. is still lonely. 060325 ... thorn People make me sad. And I don't understand, what is the point of insulting someone you don't know because of their appearance/clothing/sexual preference/etc? I mean, what, honestly, do you get out of it? This morning some of the people I know first commented on how a girl who walked by was an "ugly bitch" and they hated her. I thought she was pretty, she had nice red hair. After that, they started talking about one of my friends (they don't know she's my friend) and how she was a "fucking ugly dyke" and how the hoody she was wearing (which had cat ears on the hood, it's pretty cute) was stupid, etc. They do this to people every morning. And that bothers me, because they don't know these people, they just insult them for no reason. doesn't understand people. 060404 ... thorn And the difference between that and just kind of commenting is that they really mean it. 060404 ... thorn True conversation with my dad today: (I explain why I'd rather not go to maryland with my mom and brother tomorrow for spring break to visit family: it's boring, I don't think they like me, and my mom gets so completely stressed out it's not fun.) Why don't you bring a friend with you? I don't have any friends. Well why don't you make some? People don't like me. Oh. --- Truly, I need to get a life. 060408 ... LS I don't know how much it helps, but Blather likes you Thorn. 060409 ... thorn Thank you. It helps. 060410 ... thorn This is what I wrote last night when I was trying to fall asleep. It made sense to me at the time, I don't know if it still does now. This is sort of how I feel all the time, in the sense that it's not explained well because I was half asleep when I wrote it. 11:40 pm Sunday 1 I feel like things don't really connect in my head. I don't think of anything interesting anymore, and I am excruciatingly aware of it. I don't care about anything. My mind is not working correctly, and I am aware of it, yet powerless. When I talk to people, I only respond to whatever they said, and don't say new things. So conversations wither. I am stuck in apathy because my brain won't work and connect. And it's driving me crazy. I can't tell my mom because she never listens to me really. Maybe I should go back to therapy or meds or something. I don't want to stay the way I am now. 2 I lie awake for hours wondering if my sweatshirt is clean, and maybe I should get up and wash it in the middle of the night because maybe it's not clean enough. I cry because I can't make the files get in the right order on the computer or I can't make the cat come out from under the bed. I can't make myself really care about anything. 3 This is incredibly frustrating. i just want to stop. I hate this. 4 I want to know what is wrong with me. Why do I feel like this? Why can't I make myself care about anything? Why won't my mind work? I_fucking_wish_for_anything_but_this. It is agonizing. 5 I am worried. Maybe I am depressed again for real. I don't know. I don't even remember how I was before I was on meds. Maybe I was like this. My mother would know. But I can't tell her. She never listens to me for real. She thinks I'm better. I don't know what she'd do if she knew I wasn't. I'm not, really. All I do is hide things better. She doesn't know. 6 Maybe I am agonizing and exaggerating and there is nothing wrong with me. But g o d d a m n I don't think I can live like this. 7 I feel like things are stuck in my head. Ideas. My head is a cage and only a few things slip out between the bars. Everything else is trapped inside. Ideas thoughts dreams everything. 8 What is wrong with me? 9 I need to care. I want to care but I can't care think anything. 10 I do not think I am depressed because I am happy sometimes, but maybe I am. I don't know. I just want this to stop. 11 I don't know even if this is normal because I don't know what I was like before they said I was depressed and put me on meds. Maybe I'm just normal and everyone is like this. 060417 ... thorn Today I semi-accidentally dyed my hands blue in art by not using gloves when I was dying fabric. I was disappointed, the blue was not very bright and it only looked like my hands weren't getting blood circulation. 060417 ... thorn I hate how often I feel like I'm not cool enough. The people I used to know, some of them I miss, but I feel like I can't talk to them because they're so fucking cool and I'm not. And people say, oh no you're cool, and I just think, no way, I'm not. I want to talk to them and know them again but I'm just not cool enough and they have better friends. 060427 ... u24 you dyed your hands blue accidently, man! how much cooler can you get? seriously. 060427 ... thorn Haha. Thanks dude. 060428 ... thorn Today, I found out that one of my good friends overdosed on a ton of crap last friday morning, probably in an attempt to kill herself, since she's done this twice before, I think. She's in a psych hospital in Portsmouth, and we don't know what happened really or when/if she's coming back. Other than the obvious, what bothers me about this is that I don't really feel sad or anything, I feel apathetic, which is all I've felt for a long time. I know that I should be worried and sad, and I am, but not really really. I just hope she can get better. 060501 ... thorn Ren who overdosed called Ally, who is pretty much her best friend, yesterday. Ren is apparently at a psych hospital in Portsmouth, we can't call her, and she is supposedly getting out sometime next week but who knows for sure. Argh. 060502 ... thorn I talked to my mother, because I needed to explain why I was too stressed to go to school, and that was part of it. I also told her that I'd been thinking I should go back to a shrink for a while now. I think it's good that I told her, because I think I should probably go, but at the same time I'm kind of scared, because I'm remembering how much I used to dislike my old shrinks. 060503 ... thorn I really do not like the people at my school sometimes, because when I occasionally tell them what's actually up with me, instead of just saying I'm fine, I say that I'm pretty stressed and don't feel good, but they think I'm obviously just making it up for attention and pity because, you know, unless you're physically sick, there's nothing really wrong with you and you're just making it up. Right. 060505 ... u24 thorn, I just want you to know that I enojy your presence here. I know that sounds strange, but I do. I can't really explain much more because what you're saying here I have been through, and I suspect most people on blather have been through, and to try to tell you anything at all would fail. Let me merely say that I would be sad if you left blather, and I can see us having good conversations in the future. yours in solidarity, . 060506 ... thorn u24: That's way cool. It makes me feel kind of special, that someone cares. I think I am mostly just incredibly frustrated with myself and not happy, and knowing that a lot of people also went through it/go through it frustrates me more, because I think, if they got through it, why can't I just get over it? I am not planning on leaving blather anytime soon, and I think we could have interesting conversations. . 060506 ... u24 :) 060507 ... thorn So today I had to go see the shrink I've been seeing on and off for the past few years, but haven't seen her for a while. According to her, the reason people don't want to hang out with me is that they're intimidated by me because I'm smart and artistic and cool. Right. 060517 ... thorn I wish I knew how to not be shy. I am just so afraid of talking to people sometimes. I have done such a stellar job of alienating people over the past few years, I don't know how to talk to people anymore. I wish I could get in to governor's school, I think that is the only place around here where I can find people like me. Curse Virginia for being so conservative and boring. Someone complimented my dress today. It made me happy. 060519 ... thorn I am so frustrated because I never feel happy and I only ever feel shitty and dead and it's been like this for months and months, and I can't do anything about it and my mom won't hear me and my shrink won't hear me and it just keeps going on. Oh you're not thinking of hurting yourself are you? Uh, I don't know. which means yes, all the time, I cut myself all the time, but I'm not telling you because I don't think you listen/care/would believe me and I know I have nothing no reason to be like this, I have perfectly decent friends even if I don't have any really close ones and it's my fault they don't do anything with me because I close off and push people out but at the same time I am constantly wanting to hurt myself or kill myself or do anything so I don't have to feel like this anymore and I can't tell anyone because no one likes me and no one gives a shit about me because I'm just some stupid girl i_fucking_wish_for_anything_but_this 060526 ... thorn And it makes me hate my mother, because she won't even realize how bad I feel and what's going on, because she doesn't want to see it and if she doesn't want to she won't, so she thinks there's nothing wrong. And she's just so clueless. She's seen my scars, I know she has, I don't even hide them really, and she won't say anything about it because you know, if you ignore it it'll go away. And according to my shrink the reason I'm unhappy is because I don't feel like I have any good friends. That is bullshit. I know I have good friends, I mean, they're not as close as I'd like but whatever, and I suppose they care about me. I know this in my brain, but it doesn't feel like it. I don't know why I'm sad, but it's not some stupid thing like 'omg I don't have friends!' It's not something like that, but she and my mother can't even see that, they won't listen to me. I hate this because I have no reason to be like this, my life is pretty good, I'm smart, I'm not poor, whatever, but I'm so fucking sad all the time and no one will listen to me about it. 060527 ... walrie dear thorn, i think i feel like that too. i am listening to you. 060527 ... thorn dear walrie, i hope you can feel okay. and thank you. . 060527 ... thorn This is completely crazy. I am freaking out because there's a spider in my bathroom, and I'm completely petrified that it's going to bite me or my cat or that it's gonna do something, and I'm completely freaking out and almost crying just because there's a spider in my bathroom, and I'm not even especially scared of spiders, I mean I don't like them but I'm not terrified of them, and I'm contemplating waking up my parents because I just can't deal with this spider. 10 minutes later, after freaking out, I ended up trapping it under a plastic thing because I didn't want to kill it but I was afraid it would get out into the house and bite me if I didn't do something. This has got to stop, I keep frekaing out about all these stupid little things and I start crying or panicking and getting all weird. I am so over this. It needs to stop. This is crazy. 060528 ... thorn This is fairly annoying, I feel like i'm_lonely_please_talk, but if I were actually to talk to anyone I don't think I'd have anything to say. I want to talk to people but have nothing coherent to say. And I have a paper to write tonight and an art project to work on. 060529 ... superleni when i look back at the most miserable times of my life, i feel nostalgia ... they have a romance to them that contentment lacks. i remember parking in front of a grotty mould-covered wharf full of old boats, my head on my arms, bawling over the steering wheel, fanatising about driving over the edge into black water. i'd just left a few friends at a bar ... who were having an awful time while i was there ... but i knew they were having fun after i left. i sat there torturing myself with how much happier my friends would be if i killed myself. of course, that's not true ... they love me ... even if i am a party killer sometimes. maybe i'm suggesting you try and enjoy the way you feel. use it in your art. i have no idea if everyone can enjoy the poignancy of emotions ... what happened to the spider? i like spiders. 060529 ... thorn That is a very good suggestion, and it's what I've been trying to do. I've found I usually create better things when I'm not happy. I accidentally killed the spider when I was trying to catch it and take it outside. It was too close to the wall for me to trap and I accidentally squished it. 060530 ... superleni oh well. 060530 ... thorn yeah. 060530 ... thorn One of my lesbian friends told me the other day that she couldn't see me dating a guy. I was just kind of like, what's your point and why does it matter what gender of people I want to date? People are so weird. 060608 ... thorn i'm_lonely_please_talk. is very very very lonely tonight. 060612 ... thorn I'm going to the doctor on wednesday and will probably go on zoloft or something. I don't know if that's good or not, because theoretically I'd rather not take anything, but honestly I'm so sick of hating myself and being so sad and angry all the time that I don't really care. feels like shit. 060612 ... superleni i think when you find the right one they can be really helpful, so i've been told by a few friends. but if you're on the wrong one for you you can be afraid of the dark ... my mum was on zoloft for a few years and with an alkyhol cocktail she was really wild ... in not a good way. hope whatever you try works for you ... they say st johns wart can help if you wanted to go the herbal way. what do you love? can you love it and do it enough to keep you positive? 060613 ... thorn I've been on and off paxil for like 7 years, I'm back on it starting today, but it's a really low dose so I don't know if it's even gonna do anything. I really like the new psychologist/psychiatrist (whichever one) I'm seeing, he's very nice, I think he's the only one I've liked so far. I don't even like my actual therapist that I'm supposed to talk to, and I don't trust her, I feel like she'll tell my mom everything and she doesn't listen to me, so that kind of defeats the point of therapy, when you can't actually talk to the therapist. According to the guy today, I have major depression and also anxiety that borders on being a panic disorder thing, because I have things that are similar to panic attacks sometimes, but they're not as bad. I love art, but I don't think I'm any good at it, so doing it is hard when I'm not feeling up sometimes. I have a few new cameras to mess around with, so that will be fun, probably. My final art project is due on friday and it's like 3/5 done right now. I'm gonna work on it tomorrow, I think. 060614 ... superleni hang in there. why are you depressed? i know that's a maybe a silly question. what used to get me down was how crap the world is ... i reckon that as a species we could make it a lot better. i deal with that by just not carrying the problem, cause i know me feeling bad about it doesn't help it. i try to surround myself in excellent people & experiences, but i try to do stuff that makes the place a bit better. theres a lot of excellentness around too. 060615 ... thorn I think I'm partly depressed because of how crap the world is, but also because I don't like who I am and every time I try to change that I fall back down in my metaphorical hole. Also I don't know why, because there is no real reason, it just comes from my head, and that makes me annoyed, because I feel like I shouldn't be like this and I should be able to get over it, because almost everyone else can, you know? 060616 ... thorn I went to maryland involuntarily this weekend and was ignored the whole time. I still feel shitty. I think if I ever killed myself, it would be out of sheer boredom and just feeling like it just keeps going on forever and being shitty, which would be a really pathetic reason to do it. However, I finished an art thing last week which I am very proud of, even though other people think it's weird. 060618 ... thorn "This is definitely one of my favorite panels. It fits so comfortably together as a composition- so indie!" Much as I appreciate the semi-friend who said that, that is not good critique, and just calling something indie and nothing else is kind of annoying, because I have better things to do than mold myself to a stereotype. I am not in a good mood tonight. It is impossible to get critique when you want it. 060619 ... pink? I was just thinking 3 minutes that if I killed myself, it would be out of boredom and general vague shittiness, like you said so I guess I know how you feel... a little tiny bit 060620 ... superleni i don't like the idea of you blatherskites killing yourselves. there are too few interesting people in the world. please don't deplete the stocks any further. or i'll be left alone with a planet full of ... them. 060620 ... thorn Cue freakout. Summer school starts tomorrow. I should just take pe during the year like everyone else, instead of taking it during the summer. 060626 ... thorn Fuck. My friend just told me that our mutual friend, the one who tried to kill herself, had a huge crush on me like all year (I thought she did, but I wasn't sure) but didn't do anything about it "because I'm straight." That is kind of stupid, because for one thing I told her I wasn't, I like girls and boys, but she has this thing against bi girls, because apparently they all have tons of drama? and I think she just wrote it off as "oh every teenager is bi now." But it doesn't really matter, because I wouldn't go out with her anyway, because she's a mess and has probably slept with every lesbian around, and I have enough to do with keeping myself together. Actually, that's a lie, I probably would have gone out with her if she'd said something. . 060627 ... thorn I missed a cursive concert last night because I couldn't get a ride. That kind of stuff always happens. I want to be allowed to fall apart. I keep holding myself together, I don't know why, but I don't think it's gonna work very long. All my energy is going towards getting through this summer and summer school, and I think I'm gonna fall apart badly once school starts again and I really have to do things. . 060712 ... thorn We both wore postal_service tshirts today without planning it. I think I'm falling in love with her. But she's already dating someone, and her life is crazy. She wouldn't need me. I always like people who are either emotionally or socially unavailable. . 060714 ... thorn today_i_am_lonely . 060714 ... thorn I am copying her a cd because she asked me to, and she is copying one for me. I am trying to decide if I should make her a mix, because I want to, and I make people cds even when I don't have crushes on them, but I don't know if that would be too psycho and insane because she already has a girlfriend. is not good at relationships. 060716 ... thorn She called me today and we chattered a bit. She's the only person I can really just talk easily with. I'm falling in love with her. Youhaveagirlfriend. I am not her. I hate this. . 060731 ... . What is love? 060731 ... thorn Today I went to the beach with some of my friends, partly because I wanted to and partly because my mother wanted me to. I was swimming with a tshirt on to hide scars on my shoulders from where I cut. Then I just got sick of the tshirt, because swimming with a tshirt on is kind of annoying, you know? So I took it off and just told my friends I used to cut myself (they didn't know), but that I don't do it anymore so not to worry, and not to tell my mother. So we'll see how that turns out. I kind of want to tell my mother and my shrinks that I cut, mostly so that I could wear tank tops in the 115 degree heat here and stop having to hide my shoulder/upper arm, but I'm kind of scared of what they'd do when I told them, so I'm not going to. If the scars would just heal a little faster, I wouldn't have to worry about it, because people never look for them and will ignore them even if they can see them unless they're really bad. If people don't want to see something, they won't. 060806 ... thorn I am very sunburnt. I am lobstergirl. . 060806 ... thorn I hate myself and want to die. . 060823 ... walrie don't die. just hold out a bit longer. im not saying it will get better, because sometimes it just doesn't. but what if it does get better, think of what you might miss, think of what could happen. dying is selfish and would make no one but you happy, while this is a horrible reason in my opinion, it is still a reason that has to be thought of. this is the most maddening reason to me because i hate doing things just for other people, but this is a pretty important thing. anyway, id just like to say that there are people who care and love you whether youd like to admit it or not 060823 ... thorn walrie my dear, you rock. thank you thank you for caring, at least enough to write that. i am feeling better today, because tomorrow i am getting polaroid film, and after that i am going with zack and probably ariel to see little_miss_sunshine and sleep over at zack's house. i love zack, talking to him always makes me feel better. 060825 ... walrie yay how was little miss sunshine? i was going to see that tonight, but they didn't take credit cards and i had no cash, it was sad. 060830 ... thorn woah, sorry, i didn't see that. little miss sunshine was great, very funny and with a good message, you should see it. --- today i got in an arguement with my mother. i was trying to change shirts in the car, and she offered to pull one of the sleeves because i couldn't get it off. i said no, i could do it, because i didn't want her to do it because it was the arm i cut on. she thought i was being rude, and got pissed about that, and she was in a bad mood anyway because sept. 11 is tomorrow. she started talking about how my brother and i just take take take and we're so rude, and how she just bought me $50 of film and developing the other day, which she did, and which i thanked her profusely for. i said i didn't think i was being rude, and if she didn't have to buy me film anyway, because i never do anything with it because i'm not good enough at art, according to the art high school i was trying to get into (read the first post if you don't know), and i shouldn't bother to try anyway, because no matter how hard you try, if you're not good enough to begin with it doesn't matter, plus she always says, i shouldn't go to college or try to do art, because i can't get a job in it, i should do something i can get a job and make money in, and since i'm not gonna be able to do it because i suck and i can't get a job, why even bother to keep doing it now? and she said she wasn't sure if that was me being depressed or just me being defeatist, and that i should talk to vic (vic is the director of the art department at the high school, and i am supposed to talk to him because i'm on the waiting list and i could still get in if someone drops out, plus he does like my work, and so do the other teachers i've met) and show him my new work. i said it didn't matter, because no one drops out now and even if they did, there's probably someone ahead of me on the waiting list and i couldn't go anyway (the way it works is that you go to your regular high school for the first 3 blocks every day, and then to the art school for like 4 hours or something after, but i can't because i'm already taking 7 classes and i can't drop any of them (that doesn't make sense but the point is that timewise it doesn't work)). she said i just had to decide what i wanted more. then i said the whole thing about regardless of what i want, which is art, she and everyone else tell me i can't do that in real life because i can't get a job so why do it now, because i'd just have to stop anyway? and then i realized how much i miss ally, because she had to transfer and i haven't seen her for like a month and i miss her so fucking much. and i'm very depressed and want to kill myself again and have too much fucking stuff to do for school. . 060910 ... thorn and i've basically been trying not to cry for the past few hours. 060910 ... superleni do what you want to do babe. throw yourself into your art. don't let anyone tell you you cant. do it as hard as you can, all the time, give it away and make more. one day you'll be famous. good/bad...plugh. no such thing. some people like it, some don't. do it for yourself, not them. 060910 ... thorn thanks love. --- i have things to say but no time to say them in. 060911 ... thorn today i bought books and a magazine. and i am going to start meditating again. probably. i also went to a debate club meeting at school because my friend made me. it was pretty fun, surprisingly. the kids are all cool. 060912 ... thorn i got in to the art high school thing. someone dropped out, so i got in. yay. . 060914 ... thorn dontcrydontcrydontcry i haven't cut in almost a month, this would be a bad time to start again. comeoncomeoncomeon . 060917 ... thorn Today and yesterday were both good days. I like it when people I respect and think are cool like me. It makes me happy. I think Nick likes me, and Abby says she thinks Audrey thinks I'm cute. Yay. 060922 ... thorn On the other hand, drawing class today completely sucked. But the greatness of the past two days far outweighs it. I'm making stuffed internal organs out of fabric and stuff for sculpture. I'm so happy. 060922 ... anne-girl i've been kinda silently reading... congrats on getting in :) stay cool 060923 ... thorn thank you :) 060923 ... thorn oh man. i have such a huge crush on him. And i can't tell if he just likes me, or if he likes me likes me, because he's a friendly person and likes almost everyone. but we flirt a lot, and talk, and kind of do friendly touching, like hands on shoulders and play-kicking each other. and he's 2 years older than me and way cooler and a better artist. fuck. 060925 ... thorn i need to talk to abby about this. she would know what i should do. 060925 ... thorn i talked to abby, but my stupid phone died right after i told her. so i will just talk to her tomorrow or something. 060925 ... thorn i am so infatuated. my family stresses me out. 061002 ... thorn polaroids . 061003 ... thorn i went to a funeral tonight. abby v used to be my best friend. i've known her for 8 years. her dad died from cancer a few days ago. all i keep thinking of is how i used to spend the night at their house, and in the morning, we would make pancakes and put food coloring in them, so they would be colored. her dad was one of the nicest people i know. 061004 ... thorn today rachel and i had fun in drawing, which is to say we mostly talked about abby's party tomorrow and other funny things. also today in drawing mark (the teacher) said he liked my idea for my new drawing, which is completely amazing because it just was. i am excited for the party tomorrow. my dress is pretty. it's a dark purple dress with black lace over it. also i am spending the night after with abby and molly. today abby called me to tell me i could spend the night, and then she told me that molly likes me and had asked abby to talk to me for her. that is amazing, because molly is super cute and all around awesome. and i will see her at the party tomorrow. so we shall see how things go. i am excited. 061006 ... thorn i am so excited! today right before i had to leave molly gave me a bag. inside the bag was a little painting thing, and on it she wrote dear miss katherine, would you maybe want to go on a fun adventure with me sometime? i think your swell. molly-wolly and on the back was her phone number and a little note saying that the earrings were from half moon, which is the local hippy store, and that they reminded her of me. the earrings are little mice. they are amazingly cute. of course i said yes. i feel so special. aww. 061009 ... thorn but i am also nervous because i have never dated anyone before, because i intimidate people and i hadn't found anyone i wanted to date, so i totally missed that thing in middle school where everyone learns how to date. so i don't know if i should call her or what. 061009 ... thorn i called abby, who told me to call molly. so i did. we talked for an hour until my phone died. we are going to talk more tomorrow in art. i wasn't going to tell my mom, but then i did, because i was really happy, and she was just like 'huh.' which was really lame. i told her i was bi a long time ago, but i don't think she believes me. whatever. she will not spoil my mood. 061009 ... superleni woo-hoo! go thorn :) 061009 ... thorn yeah! thanks! 061010 ... thorn molly gave me this little mixed media thing when she asked me out, and she also gave me a bigger art yesterday. last night i made her one of my paper towel painting things. she told me today she really liked it and was going to hang it on her wall. i have both of her pieces for me on my wall. every time i talk to abby, she always says how cute she thinks molly and i are. i am always like, what are you talking about, we haven't even been on a date yet, whatever abby. abby says she thinks we're cute together, and it's cute that we give each other art. we write letters on the back. abby thinks we should do a collaborative. abby also says she wishes she was gay, because lesbians have less drama. molly and i tell her how wrong she is every time she says this, but she does not comprehend. there are only so many lesbians and bi girls in the hampton roads area, and so eventually everyone is/has dated everyone else and it's very confusing and dramatic. i have no idea what i'm talking about. 061011 ... thorn my painting had squid drawn on it. i was really proud of it. 061011 ... thorn i made her another painting the other day. she really liked it. we were going to hang out today, but her bus from norfolk to virginia beach never came and my mom made me stop waiting and go home. so i'm sad. 061014 ... Ptolemy DCLVIII According to an Egyptian proverb, one of the three worst things is "to wait for one who comes not." There's something to that, isn't there, Thorn! 061014 ... thorn indeed there is. 061015 ... thorn "have a good weekend. i mean it." . 061015 ... thorn it is so incredibly frustrating to have ideas but not be able to make them into a cohesive concept. it is even more frustrating when i have a project due in two weeks for mixed media and no idea what i'm doing for it. plus it will be in a show in january so it has to be good. blargh. 061015 ... thorn i think i have a concept now, it is essentially the same as my original concept, i think i just had to continue thinking about it and come on it from a different direction. so that is good. it is human_nature and experiences that affect us and what are we if not a product of our experiences and stuff like that with lots of photos. 061015 ... Christ without the cross hi thorn! I like you. Your cool. I am glad that things seem to be getting better for you. You sound kind of happy. I haven't read you talking about killing yourself for a long time. Aight man. I think that is it. Lata sweetie. 061015 ... thorn hey dude! that is cool, you also seem like an interesting person. and yeah, thanks, i am doing a lot better, i don't want to kill myself anymore except once in a while. yeah. much better. i am happy. later. 061016 ... thorn red: i_hate_keeping_secrets today a boy i know called someone a dyke and didn't understand why i was offended. i hate not being able to share my happiness, just because it's from dating a girl. people are lame. 061020 ... Christ without the cross you guys are dating now. Wow! i am so happy for you guys. Yeah, people are lame. Sometimes when something is acting weird or being unreliable i say that it is acting like a homosexual. I have to catch myself now because i say it all the time without realizing. It doesn't really mean anything. it is an expression from back home in St. thomas. Please don't get so angry with lame people. Sometimes we don't know what comes out our mouth. I hope things work out with you guys. You can share your joy with me. 061020 ... thorn thank you! i'm happy too, obviously. i kind of understand that people just say 'oh that's gay' and don't necessarily mean anything bad about gay people, because i used to say that a few years ago, but i still don't really like it. i try not to get angry with lame people, but sometimes i can't help it. 061021 ... Christ without the cross That's cool. i undastand. Bur i do agree. people can be lame sometimes 061021 ... Christ without the cross That's cool. i undastand. But i do agree. people can be lame sometimes 061021 ... thorn i did gulu walk today with molly and greer and cat and some other kids. it was fun. 061021 ... thorn lonely lonely and oh so much to do. 061025 ... thorn I'm gonna be a squid for halloween. Molly is gonna be a dumptruck, because when she was little, she would always tell people she wanted to be a dumptruck when she grew up. Not a dumptruck driver, but a dumptruck. 061028 ... thorn I ended up being a cat. Molly came home with me last night and spent the night. We slept in my bed and cuddled. Then this morning we cut my hair. Actually, we shaved off most of the hair in the back so it's like 3/4 inch long, and trimmed my bangs. We also dyed it blue. The front was supposed to be dark blue and the back was supposed to be turquoise, but the front only bleached to orange because there was red dye still in it, so the crappy blue dye didn't take in the front and now my hair is sea green and turquoise. But the sea green actually looks cooler than the dark blue would have. Awesome awesome. 061104 ... thorn i miss my molly. she is still in smithfield and i am in maryland for the weekend. :[ 061110 ... thorn my_first_kiss was tonight. we stood on the hill under the stars and made up our own constellations. there is molly the unicorn and katherine the sea anemone. 3 061117 ... thorn that 3 was not supposed to be there. 061117 ... thorn she_said it's because she's kind of a ho and i'm not and that just made it too weird to date me, but i'm still her good friend. which makes sense to me. so i guess we're cool. 061125 ... thorn it makes sense, but it also makes me really sad because i really like her. she said to abby a while ago that half the time she wanted to kiss me and the other half she felt like i was so much younger than her because she's messed around so much more than i have, and i don't know her history. and i'm sad_sad_sad. i really like her, and what i knew of her history i didn't care about. but i guess it doesn't matter now. 061126 ... thorn i just talked to her and managed not to be a complete bitch. i do understand why she had to break up with me. and i'm not mad. and only a little sad. hopefully other people don't have these kind of hangups otherwise i'll never find anyone. 061126 ... thorn so we're cool now. i'm glad. 061126 ... thorn although i don't like going through so many emotions in like two days. it's tiring. 061126 ... thorn i've got that funny feeling in my stomach. i've got a crush. 061213 ... thorn also i just found a blue shirt with a unicorn and rainbow stars on it in the dryer and it apparently doesn't belong to anyone, so it's mine now. awesome. 061213 ... thorn i need to be someone else someplace else. to not be me to not have all of this in my head rachel says she's gonna run soon. i told her to tell me before she did it. 061217 ... thorn i need to be someone else someplace else. to not be me to not have all of this in my head rachel says she's gonna run soon. i told her to tell me before she did it. 061217 ... thorn goddammit 061217 ... thorn i just shaved the back of my head again and redyed my hair. it's more blue this time, but the back is kind of splotchy. oh well. 061217 ... thorn i am so scared because i want so badly to kill myself because i am a horrible person and i just can't deal with myself. and no one cares, there is no one i can talk to about this. i started crying at school today, and cried on the bus to abby. i can't call her because her phone is taken away. i want to die so this will end. 061221 ... androgyne i don't believe that you're a horrible person. and agree emphatically that life is shit sometimes but i think from what extremely little i know of you, you seem like an excellent person and, well i'm listening, anonymously, if that means anything. 061221 ... thorn everything is spinning spinning spinning my thoughts are going too fast i cant keep track nothing is right everything is wrong i dont know what to do with myself i dont know what to do where to go who to be even if i was somewhere else my problem is me that isnt going to change i cant talk to anyone because youre not allowed to be crazy on xmas its just not allowed so no one cares no one will listen because i am not worth listening to i don't matter i am no one nothing is right with me everything is wrong and i don't know i just don't know 061225 ... theFish We listen, rooting for you from our scattered homes. androgyne said it right. 061226 ... Lemon_Soda . 061226 ... thorn today rachel crocheted me an armband that is the same sea green color as my hair, and she put a heart button on it. she said to put it over the part of my arm that i cut. it is to remind me that she loves me and understands and cares after she is gone. she is leaving for san francisco soon. this week or the next. i will miss her. 070103 ... thorn oh nick jackson "well i know sometimes when i get bummed i get headaches." "i gotta go sugar cakes!" he has no idea. but he tries. 070106 ... thorn "hot introspection" "it's gotta be hot or it doesn't count" 070108 ... thorn today is my birthday. i am 16. 070116 ... thorn actual conversation i had with my dad today: (i was sitting in the living room reading queer, which is an entertaining book) dad: 'queer.' why do you guys always talk about that? me: who's 'you guys?' dad: you know, you and your friends. it seems to be a frequent topic of conversation. me: uh, because a lot of us are gay? dad: well, i don't know that you're really gay, i mean, you're surrounded by it, and so... (my phone rings) me: hey abby! (i leave) i wonder how he's gonna take it when i'm still gay in a few years. my mom may have her faults, but at least she understands this. she told me a while ago that she already knew and had just been waiting for me to come out. 070116 ... androgyne happy birthday! (i thought you were older than almost sixteen :)) wishes you a wonderful (or at least half-decent) year 070116 ... thorn thank you! how old did you think i was? 070117 ... thorn today mary and i were freaking out. she said my scars are pretty. 070119 ... thorn wellbutrin is making me so fucking jittery and strung out. my mind is spinning so fucking fast and i can't make sense of it and i fucking hate it. i feel like i need to constantly be doing something. it's crazy. 070122 ... thorn ok so i am more used to the wellbutrin now and really the only difference is that now i have more energy to be crazy and freak out about how my brain doesn't work right. boo. 070123 ... thorn today nick and jp kind of play fought over me. i was hugging jp because i felt bad and he is a great person for hugging, and nick told him to keep his hands off me and said he thought i only played with one guy at a time, and i was breaking his heart. i told him to deal with it. then he and jp passed notes about how they were going to meet after class and fight. it was pretty funny. we told abby about it after and he called me his territory. i don't know why i have this thing for nick, because i don't actually like him as anything more than a really close friend. i think i just want someone to like me, but i really don't want him to like me as more than a friend. i don't know. it's weird. like if he actually did like me i wouldn't really like him, that kind of thing. 070131 ... thorn i spent eight hours today in the emergency room because i wanted to kill myself. however there are no beds in any of the adolescent psych things in the area, so i am at home and basically under house arrest until a bed opens up somewhere. crazy. 070225 ... thorn well i ended up staying for a week and a half at maryview psych hospital. i went in last monday and got out wednesday. my new diagnosis is bipolar type 2, and i now take paxil and depakote. i don't like the depakote, it gives me headaches. but it stabilizes my mood so i guess it works for now. 070310 ... thorn i lost my virginity last night to audrey. it was wonderful. 070325 ... thorn i am stupid stupid stupid. i don't know why people keep telling me they care when they don't. 070326 ... thorn i don't understand how i can go from being so incredibly happy and positive and energetic to being suicidal over a few hours. but i guess that is what bipolar does. i don't understand how i combine being spiritual and positive about things and caring with my total lack of regard for myself and terrible attitude towards myself. it doesn't make sense to me. 070329 ... thorn i like audrey so fucking much and it makes me sad that she doesn't want me. arrghblashalksjdfhslakjdfhlaslkjdfh. ugh. i want her very fucking much. 070407 ... thorn i thought i was over her. i was so wrong. 070429 ... thorn i am trying to be right urban_bodhisattva cultivate_compassion 070508 ... thorn rereading this makes me remember that no matter how bad i feel now, i am still in a much better place than i was 4-5 years ago. 101127 what's it to you? who go blather from