moonshine I wish i could make her stop 000615
silentbob she takes a bath, exposing her thighs. the water goes from clear to red in a matter of minutes. 000709
SickSadDaria 3 friends

1 does it
1 does it
1 worries
3 self mutilators
j_blue i dont understand it.

i have 2 friends, who do it sometimes.

when they need to, they say.

they dont do it regularly; one does it when he is clinically depressed, the other does it when he becomes upset and wants to be cared for.

it makes them feel better.

i dont understand.
Cat^.^ sometimes the fire in an arm is better than the tear in an eye... 001229
daxle seems so tempting
I screamed and screamed and beat my head against the steering wheel
which caused me to almost drive off the road
which of course made me wonder what exactly I would have to do to make sure I died in the accident, and wasn't just pathetically paralyzed
all this seemed to chancy
better to wait until I get home
bleeding is so much more fun than dying
ripewithdecay IT IS EITHER GREAT OR I AM JUST COMPLETLY FUCKED UP..ok ok i do not mutilate because i am depressed i used to but it didnt do now i do it kuz its just fuckin kewl blood is fucking great and the scars? i fucking love all my scars...the only place i can cut myself now is my tits the only place really that my mom cant see ha i kno how fuckdd that sounds....well anyway its great i love mutilation..maybe ima just a fucked sado-masochist but hell it makes meh happy so fuck you... 001229
Thyartshallshant I'm depressed.
And I'm suicidal.
As we speak.

*pauses for thought*
*searchs for the right words*

Self mutilation. I guess it works for me only because i hate myself. i hate myself. To me, it doesnt matter if i die or if i just self mutilate. As long as im in pain.

Im in counsiling now, but i still want to feel the pain, but not surpringly, all my razor blades have dulled from the skin they have cut, the blood still dried along the metal edges.

As i type these sentences, a sit in apprehension.

I dont know why i keep typing this.

What's a thy to to?
cazzi that all sounds too familiar 001231
focus she collects the scars like trophys. i don't need a blade to feel myself hurt. she does it for me. she doesn't know the sharpness of her own actions. 010320
13lue ...cutting makes everything seem better and now it's a habit or reaction you could say. when i get mad or upset it's what I do and it helps but now that people know it's harder to hide it but for some weird reason it feels better... 010321
alegra razor blades love teenage flesh. 010410
CheapVodka a basic process of freeing myself when I have writer's block. My doctors say that perhaps it's unhealthy. I say, "hey, it's not like I'm going to kill myself." If you asked me to stop I'd prolly end up taking my own life. The way I see it is: They raise you in your childhood that "it's your body" and "only you can control what happens" like in all those sexual harassment movies and stuff. Well it's my body and if I do feel that this is how I get rid of it all...then why exactly is that so wrong. If I do it to where I know it won't kill me and it makes me feel better... who is it hurting? I wouldn't do it if I thought it hurt. And even if I got to the point where I wanted to take it all the way... then that should be ok. People these days have gotten themselves all caught up in emotion and attachment to others that they've become selfish. If I wanna take my life, I will and I don't wanna be saved. I died once but they revived me because the doctor thought something like, "I won't let one die on my table!" Fuck that. It's my life to take. I'm not hurting anyone else... I'm doing what I feel is right. That is enough for me, shouldn't it be enough for everyone else? 011104
nemo dont worry i still love you 011104
unhinged attachment is a sticky thing my tongue cleans up so nicely 011104
CheapVodka slice myself
until i bleed
and i need
anything that proves
i'm free
and i cry
so i bleed
and i'm sad
so i bleed
and i'm depressed
so i bleed
in this fuktup world
i had to find security
in bleeding
and it's sad
Mahayana: Zakah: [smolder 'felo-de-se' smolder]

My lighter is on fire it *is* fire
geared up to glow solace-ital releases
of sorts... pressure gauge gauging the anxiety one just can not receive surrounded by this humankind any longer

[smolder 'felo-de-se' smolder]

winter is falling/yet you are no where near able 2 catch her/let us be burried by the snow/you once pronounced/rather i deemed it your desire that i shall be the one sole climber of that/avalanch/ ache, misery, pang, stitch, throe, twinge, discomfort, distress, hurt, suffering, agony, torment, torture/status quo/let it snow/let it snow/let it snow/ FREE, discharge, emancipate, liberate, loose, loosen, manumit, unbind, unchain, unshackle, acquit, exculpate, exonerate, relinquish, resign, surrender/so i discharge in the veins of a pyro addict/with lighter in hand/upside down/hard-pressed/up against internal skin of arm/ 1.....2......3..../
the weir has been on the rampage/ purge purge/eradication of all within/ that shall keep me at this juncture/

[smolder 'felo-de-se' smolder]

crimson inflamed smiles left in the rear as of flamey tip tops of lighters once on_fire

[smolder 'felo-de-se' smolder]
sabbie and the blood ran down my arm
like the tears i could not shed
and if it hurt outside
then, maybe, it would stop hurting inside
for a second
just a second
anything to take away the pain
if only for a second

i didnt think it would still hurt
jsut to think about it.
pushpins "i don't need your pushpin lecture!" He said, his smile fading. I glared. Obviously he did, otherwise he wouldn't be sticking pushpins into his arm and leaving them there, all day, hidden by the soft cotton of his longsleeved shirt. They were his silent pain, but the giddy pleasure he got from the secret made him spill it. Tell me about how he hurts himself. So nonchalant.
Well, darling, I don't tell you about my self-inflicted pain. I don't let you know the details of the actions. I don't tell you how good it feels to see that shiny silver blade swimming in my blood, like a sharks fin. back and forth.
I don't hurt you, I don't hurt you, i want to save you. I want you to not need this, i would rather soak up the pain like the already damp sponge that I am, than see you hurt so badly and eagerly share stories of your scars and your pushpins.

"sometimes I wonder if you really do care," he said. How could you wonder? Why would you even let such a thing float across your mind? Of course I care! But if I haven't proven myself, I don't know how else I can. I am lost, I am defeated, and maybe I am your pushpin.
reitoei don't christians punish themselves to do penance? makes you wonder. 011229
Mahayana: Zakah: Warning: failure to follow instructions may result in burn injury

[your warning/my instructions]
[[another individuals garbage/another individuals art materials]]
[[my instructions/your warning]]
dear Scripto
birdmad every time i complete one of my tarot illustrations, i mark it somewhere with a few drops of blood 020102
yummyC he cried red tears tonight,
blurring his sight.
Mahayana: Zakah: if;
SM or SI
is a fashion statement
chemotherapy must be
a new trend

[SI... its not a trend... its a way 2 live]
[[i burn 2 feel. i feel 2 live. i live 2 feel something more /someday/]]
[[[my fashion is never seen, for it is not a statement... it is a way 2 life]]]
pushpins hidden fashion hidden fashion, lets be trendy underneath our shirts, lets be 'in' on hidden corners of the skin, lets be trendy, 17 magazine told me this was cool...
brag about your scars, wear them as proud badges...

self mutilation is only a fashion statement to those who don't feel it.

...covered scars cry through my bra and shirt, this is the new thing to do, its the new thing to do, accept me, accept me,
if its such a fashion statement...why am I not showing them to anyone?
MollyCule my hand is a magnet, my blade is metal. my left wrist the target. my exacto knife floats between the two, rearranging, reshaping, fixing the lines i thought would stay forever, letting everything go in a rush of red

my hand is a magnet, i try not to pick it up, but my hand is a magnet. so many things i never should have touched.
Daria I have a scar on my arm that says CUTTER,
I got it when I was at a party,
then I made it look better.
Now it kinda puffs out,
I think I must be making you people sick.
strawberrie fashion statement??? 020717
Freak I would do more if it wasn't for the damn scars 020717
so trendy nowadays..."come on, all the COOL kids are doing it"
freakizh it must be hard, so hard
with your head on backwards

see: dear_dad
poeticmisfit it hurts,
it feels good,
the pain on the outside somehow draws your pain out from the inside.
no where else to turn.
its what you know to do,
its what i can feel when i can't feel any more.
its what is mine.
its me.

if you can't understand it,
then you can't understand me...
(and i am left misunderstood which leads to my pain.)
*a never ending cycle*
carving the holiday birdmad to all the people woho think the urge to take a blade to your own flesh is some new fashion statement let me reply with a kind and courteous "Fuck you"

the ignorance of some people never ceases to astonish me

hate to burst your bubble, O clueless one(s), but some of us have been doing this (in largely secretive manner, cutting where no one can really see it most of the time) since many here on blather were small children

i haven't done it in a few months but nly for because i haven't had the motivation to buy fresh blades, but all told, i have been slicing away at random patches of skin since i was 14 and i'm 30 now

it's an urge, a compulsion, kind of like the one that drives some people to run off at the mouth without really having the first clue what they are talking about
cheer-up-emo-kid its a fashion statement to some people and a living to others.
it used to be my life.
when I was little (around 9) I would trace spots on my legs with a razor when I was in the bathtub. the spots I would trace is what I would cut off if I were a doctor. I thought I was fat.
I didnt know there was such a thing as self mutilation, I just thought I was a bad person.
I stopped this year because my boyfriend told me that he would burn himself with a cigarette every time I did it.
eddie vedder "I've got scratches all over my arm...
one for each day since I fell apart"
jane back in the day i used to use my razor in the shower and run it over my knuckles quickly just to see the blood appear and run down like red water

now my knuckles have scars, and my cousin said they look like bug bites
Kil_me*softly* I have a pain in my heart
that feels much better
when Im making my mark
on my arm is where you'll see
all my scars that they have made of me
Its a disease I know
I just cant STOP
please dont tell me to because Ill just unwrap
my scars are from so many things
I have a story to tell about each one.
one are the initals of a guy i once loved
another from my mother telling me Im not good enough
one for my friend and I we have the same
I love everyone so much but I just cant put up with your shit
So Im killing myself softly with my pain and distress.
mo i dont see it as mutilation 030218
ferret (i'm sorry for using your trademark chrity, but here we go!)

go to: i_have_words
User24 . 030529
rubydee fleeting floes of freedom.
when i think about you i cut myself.
i've thrown away my graces.
i'm sorry i forgot you were special.
drew the shades.
smiled through the ashes.
stop making provisions to your addiction.

rubydee today i wanted to give blood at a traveling van

but i chickened out at the last minute, not wanting to explain my (other way of giving blood) scars
/anon i did it with a really sharp knife used to gut fish. it had been used before. i didnt care though. it was sharp and did the job. it bled a lot. we had no bandaids, or at least i couldent find and and i didnt want to ask, so i wrapped of my old shirts around it. It was still bleeding the next day so i had to get bandaids from my first gym teacher. He made me go to the nurse because he said it needed cleaning. i told the nurse i fell or somthing. she took one look at it and called the guidance counselor, who really couldnt do anything except call my parents. i really hate her. they sent me to a program thingy for it. it was like at a hospital and i had to stay there for ten days. it was really gay, it was run by super ultra-strict catholics. the people that went there were cool though. my new doc put me on wellbutrin. all i know is that it isnt an ssri and it works on a chemical called dopimine, or something. ive only cut once since then. im trying really hard not to. i dont want to have to go through that crap with the hospital again. if i do it again they will put me in in-patient and i heard that sucks donkey balls. 030710
/anon oops 030710
oldephebe you know i've written recently a lot in these pages and maybe i should just not tread into the sacredness of what is being shared here, i don't want to judge, and i sure don't want to make this about me or anything - i don't want to pour out the poison or excrement of pity either into these intimate and heart breaking revelations - nothing i've ever written comes close to encapsulating the torment revealed - these are wrenching panoramas of pain - and i don'twant to soil what has been shared with the didactic or tedius or meandering tangants so i'll share a little when i was younger maybe from the ages of 12 to 17 i used to dig my nails into my arm or jaw or stomach whatever it took to release this white hot flash of self hate frustration fatalism you name it i felt it - and sometimes being a guy i would punch cement walls until my knuckles broke the skin - when someone placed a saxophone in my hand and sat me down at the piano and at a drum set and in front of a vibrophone i felt all this f***ing torment turn into music and i even starting writing these kindergarten melodies- and then i joined a youth group (christian) and even though i had attended church and had been saved since the age of 14 - these people wrapped their hearts around me other students, youth ministers etc i have never divulged this before either in any of my private journals or to anyone - please i'm not trying to preach and i feel so heart broken for you all - i have a sister who also used to cut herself. She finally revealed it to me several years ago about 12 years after the fact. I'm an adult now and i still every now and then deal with probably a pale shadow of what you sacred and wonderful young people are enduring - i have a faith - in myself and a belief system, i know this probably means diddly (does anyone even say that any more? but please check out and some of the things chrity has to say in - i_have_words -
i'm putting on my disposable rain poncho now (its lime gree) to cath all the vituperation and splatter.
Be well
not important When twilight comes
do our minds cloud or clear?
I stand naked now
and cold as I am inside
but I no longer care
I have scoured myself
just to feel clean
but it only hurts the skin
I have cut myself
to feel the blood flow
but still I do not drain
I leave marks that stay
troublesome and deep
but not often on the skin
oldephebe you all are such sacred sentient singularities

please try to see your beauty apart from what others think they see
endless desire i went to the site you said. i was hoping something might pop up and turn me around. that i might know where i was going with my faith and what i believe and all the sudden, everything would make sense. but it was just a normal site with the same things i have been hearing all my life. and until then, remembering drips of blood is sadly more comforting than anything i have ever felt from god. i have heard many comforting things, but i am too afraid to believe everythign i am told. i hate those things that are never certain. 030710
oldephebe endless - i'm not going to insult your intelligence or maturity or the sovriegnity of your being by parroting some freaking fecal chiche. But i could tell you things that i endured from the age of 4 to the age of 16 that would probably horrify everyone here and the only thing that kept me from bounding into desolations pit is my relationship wtih God. Okay so maybe if you try clicking on radio archives and click on affirmations - it doesn't happen over night and gee not a revelation here but i am certainly not qualified to help someone on the road to the happy - and i'm not trying to negate - really i'm not - the firestorm curling in your veins - the fire must be let out - the wound we shape imposes its own noise, havoc over the wound that won't stop singing in our ears - (takes a deep, breath) i wish i had the words - but you know stepping out and trying to think in a new way is a scary thing - sometimes its much simpler to remain in whats familiar even if that thing that we think is our treasure our respite from madness or unthinkable anguish - maybe if you scroll through the radio archives (he has realplayer there to be down loaded for free) you find a message title that connects with you -
every day i take these baby steps to wholeness, its something i'm still learning it's something i have to teach myself every day
i'm not qulified to delve into these things to deeply but i know the realness of it in my heart - i hope my words haven't offended any of you
but my god please considering this that sometimes in order to BE we have to sacrifice something we treasure in order to preserve the rest
please listen to the things you are telling yourself about yourself or some times the fissures are furrowed so deep that it's reflexive - a new thought can organically and chemically at first subtly change the roiling neuro-chemical soup - it can turn the flame down - please at least think about considering what meager things i've said
sometimes i slip into the sarcophagus of the sad - and feel its familiar fire
but the power to wound is yours and the power to perceive something new is yours as well - i wish i could say this better i wish i could etch the literal and the abstract out here in bright bold dripping color - but i am limited
i know what i know in my souls core and i know that every day i go back to those living cooling streams to be healed to be renovated to be truly and gently revealed to myself
okay i'm done endless
no i'm not i wish all of you could see how cherished how wonderful how holy how beautiful you really are
sometimes my eyes they don't see to well, sometimes my mindchatter chews me up endless masticating - but when i choose to see myself though His eyes it washes out all the torment and pain for a while sure it comes back the pain but i go to the spring of living light, living water to be fed sometimes dozens of times a day, i take a holy moment 30 seconds sometimes and go to the treasure i have built up in myself
but you can only eat one spoonfull at a time - you see i was reared in tyrannies cage and ...
not important endless you are not the things you are saying to yourself -
again i apologize if my words offend
thisis the only way i know to be
i open the doors and let my being gush right out and sometimes it ain't pretty but at least for me these are the truest words i've ever written -
plant a new flower in the soil
it will grow
ashmanzhou it comes down to this here
my dreams my hopes desires all melded
in death my end my life away
my eyes dead in cold steel i wait
my gut heaves i gasp i close my eyes
my life balanced on a knifes edge
it cuts so righteous and chill
the icy doom is upon me now
i hold myself to this heaven hell
those liquid eyes are staring so warm
i stir i stare i stand
reality is gone now
they rush they scream and blame
bandages so white and pure
bind impurity with might
needles so thin stab me again
replace what is gone from me now forever
never i am to return to there
i cannot it is beyond me
the one with liquid eyes sees me again
they stare with horror and shame
and mine are steel all chill and dead
forever for i have no warmth now
oldephebe the eloquence of madness sometimes it seems is more that the drizzle of some exiled dream at least it is for me - you have painted your panorama of pain so compellingly i cannot argue against its unsparing beauty, its serrating clarity - and withing pain can be the most simple, clarifying thing sometimes
ashmanzhou - pirroueting on the tip of a knife, i can never know that kind of desolate exhiliration, i'm not asking anyone to surrender their argument, but you attribute to the scarlet seduction a power it does not have - you bequeath to it its power its deity its comfort -
blind blood ambition flushes all things out - every time you dip the crismson caress whispering a .. wait i'll be back
imminent instestinall imbroglio clenching my entire ..
oldephebe okay i'm back from all the fecal disgorgement - sorry for the scatological wordsmear any way
the crimson whispers a lovers nurture into our ears
we dip into its caress
it flushes out all else
momentarily, but
lets not say
we're stepping into inevitability
we attribute to the crimson
a power of seduction it does not have we bequeath it its thralldom
as it sends its *cleansing stream shrieking through the thoroughfares of Being you can give your Being back to yourself - i don't think i'm being presumptuous but if thats what you perceive then here - have a heart felt apology on me
Be well
identificationless peeling off the skin around cuticles until blood apears scabs form are easily picked to inflict pain at will 031109
identificationless peeling off the skin around cuticles until blood apears scabs form are easily picked to inflict pain at will 031109
tonightiscream i do that too, the corners of my thumb fall victim first- they're caked with dried crimson pain as i type 031109
tonightiscream let me tell you a quaint little story about a girl who cuts. Not with a razor, nor with a knife, but with a pin. If not in a hurried and frantic state, she'll burn the tip not for sanitation, but to feel the heat- oh she loves extremes. This girl revels in slowly dragging the pin across her skin with only the slightest of pressure. She traces and retraces the line softly and delicately, never letting the pin stray from it's tracks. She is soothed by the repetitive motion and feels outside herself, sometime smiling back at her little tortured body. 031109
a girl with nothing to say i find myself to do it alot when im depressed or just when ever its seems to be somewhat addictive.... 031109
identificaionless is it love of the pain or pain of the love 031111
endless desire mmm ((drain))
my coping method.
misstree self_decoration 031111
Death of a Rose hope none of you are epileptic. having a fit while carving (literally) yourself can have a bit of a down turn. we haven't quite reached the stage where we can grow human organs to our bodies will accept (give it some time though, and then you can carve and burn and punch and slash and have a real self contained blood bath). 031111
LoneWolf taking a knife and feeling the pain from slowly ripping my arm open makes me forget the pain from everyone hurting me with words 040627
baka beating myself up about all of the things that i should have said, what i should have done, what i should be doing now.
telling myself that im not worth it.
torturing myself with macabre thoughts late at night.
scarring my soul.
u24 try holding ice cubes till they melt. 040628
somebody okay 050219
iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl most self-harmers worry about people finding out about their secret releases.

i do, most of the time.

but i was wearing shorts, the kind that didn't quite cover those dark red marks that are the result of a 'mistake' cutting a few months ago.
when i say mistake i mean the time where i lost control
and sliced the fuck out of my leg.

and i was with my closest friends.
shall i tell you something?

not one of them noticed.
and lets just say the marks aren't THAT subtle.

it isn't a question of them ignoring it, they didn't see it.
and i discussed this with one of them.
she said it was sad that i'd had to tell her that they were there.

but this in itself proves that people don't see what they don't expect to see, what doesn't fit into their world.

but then again, you knew that already.

take my parents for example.
they didn't notice.
i told them, because i was naive and thought that what i was doing was wrong and i needed help (not just in a physical sense, but from 'God').

they looked disgusted with me.
and then they went back to ignoring it.

just like every single time i have said anything negative to them.

people blank out things they don't want to see or know about.
some of them do it deliberately, you can see the walls come crashing down as they just pleasantly tune out.
some do it unconsciously.

so unless you shove it in peoples' faces, by the extreme nature of the injuries or by self-harming as an attention-seeking device, people just don't see.

because they don't care about your problems,
they have their own.
unhinged long_sleeves and band_aids
i'm not asking you to care
i can't erase
screaming and shaking
drinking and smoking
swallowing and almost choking
doesn't erase
i hung on to her
hoping she could help me erase
my inflamed_sense_of_rejection
for months
i've been trying to quiet my thoughts
through any other method
but it's only the red dull aching
a physical manifestation
that's somehow easier to deal with
than some abstract heart wound
that just keeps bleeding
no matter what tourniquet i tie around
but this time
the fact that i still itched
that i wanted to peel every last inch
no, i don't need your help
cause i've got mine
dandy it breaks the cycle of thoughts, forces the body to snap aware of itself, aware, from psychological. It causes dopamine flows, changes brain chemistry by the body trying to kill the physical pain. It makes you feel in control of one tiny thing. You are almost always in control but don't accept what you think or feel. can't justify yourself to yourself. maybe, if you do it right, it hits some chakra, some pressure point, it makes your attention shift outwards as far outwards as your own skin. next, cognitive therapy, restructuring thought to beleive you are in control. you need to brainwash yourself away from the pattern of continuous self-critical thoughts, the cycling tape of rejection, cut it clean and deal with being mortal, being wrong sometimes, in anomie when no one can hurt you enough as you feel you deserve to be, only you can punish adn make justice. it must stop when there is no satisfaction, no need anymore. when you can let go of self and doubt and the fear of the hollowness. let the pain go and come, let hollowness fill and empty. believe its ok, faking it until you make it 050221
Amy sometimes I just can`t deal with it, too much pain. I can`t recognize if it is me or my reflection. parallel state. feels bad but safe somehow...I prefer being there than face reallity. it`s the temporary solution I can find by now. will I be denied Christ if I go farther? 050227
. go on and rip yer selves to shreds ya useless bastards 050228
dandy poor "." seems to carry more anger than any. :-( 050228
dandy I suppose, better the devil you know than the one you don't. It could be worse. In some cases it is. In some cases you're living with a devil when you could be free of all the junk and just living freely.

Of course torturing oneself is always an option. You can cut yourself down faster than you can even notice yourself doing it. It's a pleasing habit because it means you never are ever responsible and yet are totally in charge. You get it both ways. It's emotionally charged and all the hormone rushes make it feel real and important and exciting. It's a romantic bittersweet poetic land that gives some benefits as well as takes away options. What are you missing out on?

To get to where you're at, where anyone is at, takes thousands of thoughts a day, thousands of days reinforcing. You think and feel and believe when you don't even realize you are reinforcing your own fears or faith, cynicism, confidence, lonliness or connection by how you frame stuff in your own head.

It's an easy satisfying habit to say I can't and leave it at that. It's easy to make up all kinds of stories with you as the hero/martyr. It's selfish and is a way. people may have doen shitty things to you but the thing is over in this moment unless you replay it in your head. Run tapes that make you stronger. In Thailand among the buddhists, a hero is someone who doesn't resort to anger of thought but is open to beauty.

For sure, it's easier to feel weak, to throw yourself on the mercy of fate and destiny and others. It's hard to do but easier than it is to make hard decisions and follow through. There are days where the whole world seems wrong. There are moments when everything seems shining.

Yes, the world is shit in places and in times but there are a whole mess of neutral things and a mess of good stuff. It is not being in denial to not weep and give precedence to the bad stuff always. Why should it always be the trump card? To wean yourself off of any habit starts for minutes at a time. It's like strength training.

If you get sick and tired of being sick and tired then you look for a new way to structure your thoughts, new models to be like, new ways that aren't so tiring so you feel happier more, then its practical to grab for that.

May well have drifted way off topic, but, hey, that's my scattered life experience on this. Life calls via laundry machine. Gotta go.
scream god, it feels so real and relaxing! 050324
LoneWolf Well, I guess it's gonna be another summer wearing long sleeves for me. 050424
smilecoffeeluvsu carving, slashing, ripping, tearing, gashing, and cutting...
I call it self-decoration.. ^_^

I forget I'm here on earth I forget I'm me I forget I'm lonely, depressed, and that I really hate myself all I can feel is delightful crimson pain dripping from my newly carved gash
emmi i was hoping you'd lick my wounds. 050424
what's it to you?
who go