long_sleeves mo who notices im so bold as to pretend im cold? MY cries and screems are muffled by my long sleeves 030222 ... punkspellcheck you misspelled screams 030415 ... ferret cut cut cut all day long, here comes someone, better get the arm-socks 030415 ... unhinged so it's too hot out to wear long sleeves and i don't really care. it still sucks when people notice and say 'what happened to your arm?' i always say 'nothing' but i want to say 'what the fuck does it look like happened to my arm?' i love it when people are masters of the obvious or pretend to give a fuck. 030415 ... niska they aren't pretending to care. they are asking because they know you like the attention. you aren't even giving people a choice - you're putting it out there like a 'look at me!'. if i tell you it's pretty hot for long sleeves and you whip 'em up all like 'well yeah? I have these fucking scars, see? see? I'm trying to fucking hide them, ok?" ok, Gezus... you just turned everyday ordinary small-talk about the weather into a psychological roller-coaster ride that no one wants to take. EVER. unless they really, really care deeply for you, and i'm sure the people who do, already know and understand your pain. of course it's 'so obvious', you can't wait to let everyone in on your dark, depressing little hell. how will you react when you're no longer an angst-ridden, 'jaded' (fuck, i hate that word) teenage wasteland? when you're an adult and you have a real life. when you're past all this pity-pity-me crap, and you may even have a family of your own... at least FRIENDS who care about you for real. you will look at what you've done to yourself and lament THAT. you'll think it's the reason no one wants to be colse to you, or that you have to explain it to every new person you meet. I don't know this from my own experience, i know this from that of a very loved friend. You're creating conditions to sabotage your peace of mind in your future. no matter how fucking bleak you think it is now, it doesn't stay that way. when you find out who you are, you won't care who everyone thinks you should be. of course there's nothing to look forward to - you haven't experienced anything yet. that's the fucking beauty of life. i mean what in the fucking hell could you have ever done to hate yourself enough to cut yourself up? call me cold, but it's really pathetic. i don't mean pathetic in the way someone might look down on you, i mean pathetic in the way you are causing others to fell empathy for you. FEEL YOUR PAIN. that's just fucking selfish. honestly, most people have their own problems and yours are not that significant. torturing yourself isn't making it any better. i'm sorry, if i offend any of you or hurt any of your feelings, but you're not doing yourselves any favors. at all. 030415 ... stork daddy niska...i'm not speaking for myself, because i agree in a sense, and i don't think there's any arguments against the fact that this kind of behavior is far from an ideal way of dealing with pain. However, there might be reasons for it beyond the drawing in of concern from others, and the forgiven exalted status being a victim (albeit of one's self which is far less sociably acceptable than other forms) brings with it. One of the main reasons people who are depressed or distressed do it is because when you cut yourself, your brain sends out calming norepinephrine and opipoid which a person can come to associate with the resolution to times of stress (especially if they were abused as a child and it naturally was paired with emotional stress in that order). Soon an addiction develops, and as soon as any stress is experienced, cutting is a habit which when developed can bring about the expected resolution associated with the arrival of our body's pain killers. The cutter begins to crave that high even when the stress itself does not cause bodily harm, because it still activates the expectation and craving now associated with all stress. As this habit becomes regular or prevalent, perhaps then there comes the need for a social component. Or in an attempt to protect self esteem, the person tries to take the role of the victim or in some other way exonerate or justify their behavior by seeing other people sympathize or act in ways usually associated with a attribution of innocence or victimization rather than guilt. Perhaps further than that, like any other addiction, the addict recognizes their weakness and truly only brings others in not as a source of hidden positive emotion, not to be babied, or to have the pride of being cared about enough to disturb others, but because they cannot help themselves and the parts of them which are desperate to stop have realized they need bolstering from the outside. Just a suggestion. 030416 ... unhinged you know, i haven't said anything to you yet niska, because i think everyone has a right to say whatever they want on blather. but when you are making blanket generalizations and saying obviously fucking moronic things, and judging me when you don't know me saying 'well i hope i didn't offend anyone by telling you how pathetic and attention-seeking you are' when you actually don't know anything more about more about than what i type here, telling me that i am not an adult, haven't lived life...honestly, you can go fuck yourself. i come to blather to write how i feel; i don't come here for validation from anyone. i hate it when people ask me what happened when i have cuts that my clothes don't hide. i don't want attention from people i barely know or don't care about. i don't want that kind of attention from people that do care about me. so you know someone close to you that cuts; do you tell them how pathetic and attention-seeking they are when you see their cuts? cause i can say from experience that when someone says something like that to someone who cuts it doesn't help; it just makes them want to do it more. if you can say that anyone who hurts themself instead of the people around them is just looking for empathy than maybe you need to look up the word empathy in the dictionary. and while you're at it, maybe you should grow up and stop judging people. 030416 ... niska first - my humble thanks, unhinged for sparing me all this time... next - 'well i hope i didn't offend anyone by telling you how pathetic and attention-seeking you are' hmm... i don't know - I'm looking, but i can't see where i wrote that quote... if you're going to paraphrase me, either read what i wrote so you can get it right, or leave the quotes off. don't put words in my mouth. i responded to a situation that i can identify with through someone i know. please... READ my blathe, before building up your defense; you'd see you don't need one. did i not explain pathetic isn't BAD? root, pa'thos: [n.] power of exciting tender emotions. - pathetic, pathetical [a.] affecting or moving such emotions. (yes, unhinged, the tender ones). over time, as words in the english language are misunderstood they wind up being misused, and most people aren't aware they misuse them. you are misusing the word pathetic, unhinged, so you automatically assume i mean to insult you. do you KNOW what empathy is? maybe you missed THAT in your haste too. if it's ok for me to leave my opinion here, then don't be so upset if i do and you don't happen to like it. your misunderstanding is not my responsibility. stork daddy. once again, you've expounded the fuck out of something that was never meant to earn a response, but your contribution is always delightfully educational, if not a little slef-righteous in implying you already know what i feel/think/mean - or SHOULD. i didn't pretend to know WHY people cut, other than depression. i was blathing about the REACTION most people have to the blatent display of the scars. you may be the the holiest-of-holy geniuses, but the majority of people in this world aren't quite as perfectly in tune with how the world should be or how everyone should think, and have every right to feel uncomfortable around people who spill dark emotions on them for simply making polite conversation. when someone assumes your simple hello means whatthefuckiswrongwithyou, it's a bit off-putting to say the least. and friendly, geewhathappenedareouok, really does mean geewhathappenedareyouok, not areyousomekindoffreak. everyone has things to deal with, and other people's dramatizations get tired after a while. who the fuck wants to feel blame or contribution to somethig negative when their intent is only to be polite? i think it's really irrational for peolpe go out of their way to take their issues out on others, and then accuse the others for the hurt/anger they feel. there's no reason for it. it's nice that you have it all figured out though, so you react how you want to and i'll react in my own way as well, ok? i said this before, and i'll say it again: i think a lot of you are just expecting an argument because i argued with someone else a long time ago, and you naturally assume i'm somehow out to get you personally. get over yourselves. i've offered my explanation - take it or leave it - i'm not here to argue. if you prefer, i can blow sunshine up your asses for a while rather than leaving my own personal thoughts on a subject, though the novelty of that would wear thin after a few blathes... unhinged, i really do feel sad for you, and i hope someday you are truly happy with yourself, because i can't see any reason for you to not be. 030417 ... not the shit-raker You bitch. I don't want an argument back, because your so-called "arguments" seem to be hair-splitting long-winded explanations, if you want to call them explanations. Your quick judgments of people are hypocritical. You can dish it but you can't take it. And you dish it a lot. We all understand that you can say what you want, but...man. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. You are degrading people with your self-righteous comments and ignoring the criticism that comes your way. You are obviously hurting inside and feel it necessary to put up this wall that blocks anyone from seeing You. I have to thank you for having the courage to show us all your "thorny" side. But we are not unconditionally loving people. 030417 ... stork daddy if you really think people ask about scars because they're being polite, i'd have issues with that. i'm not trying to myself sound holier than thou art, i just know you weren't giving people who have nosy questions imposed upon them because their internal demons are etched on their skin a fair shake. you assume that people mean well by asking such questions and yet as fair an assumption is that they don't. There was a hint that you thought those scars were a badge of honor or that a person waits for them to be asked about giddily. In reality if a person asks about another person's scars are they really concerned? what good does their concern do if they don't want the truth? a scar is done...a scar is past tense of a wound. so unless they're seeking to stop future scars, what use would asking be but morbid curiousity. I think you wrongly put the blame on the victim. I don't think you'd be so quick to side with the innocent observer if they went up to a person in a wheelchair and asked...hey...what's the problem, are you okay? What right is it of theirs to ask such a question except in the broadest sense devoid of such concepts of privacy and ethics? You can bash me all you want, but this isn't really about me. I have friends who cut themselves, and while i agree it's a very sad thing to do, i don't think they do it to spite my good intentions. And if a friend asks about their scars without desiring to be pulled into their pathetic lives then they aren't really sincere or polite. Anyways...you're right...i am longwinded, i don't think anyone here would disagree with that. It's funny though...for all my words i still manage to put my foot in my mouth less than you. If you want to say it's hot out, go ahead, but if you know someone is sensitive about wearing long sleeves, just let them be. 030417 ... stork daddy and you say you don't go into the reasons? well first of all you assume she wants attention just by wearing short sleeves or by having scars, when scars are the by process of the "benefits" of cutting. Second you say she's doing this to make others feel her pain. You say that directly. I like how you feel free to rescind or deny something that's right there for everyone to read. She never said she waits with long sleeves for someone to ask her so she can roll them back and blanket them in horror, she merely said it's hot so she wears long sleeves, and people for various reasons, ask her about her scars. I agree with her that if they don't really give a fuck they shouldn't ask, or else it's their bad. You seem to think that it's all for attention and they're just falling into her trap. I don't think it's that simple, although certainly attention is probably something desired in many of these cases. Still, your criticism is just overblown and assumptious and i'm glad you find yourself a beacon of self-control who keeps their problems to themselves or at least sublimates them by annoying the hell out of everyone here. once again just to preempt you...i'm long winded, boring, and outrageously holier than thou art right? 030417 ... stork daddy i mean could it be more obvious...you say what have you ever done that's so horrible that you want to cut yourself. and all i said is that while it certainly isn't a sign of high self-esteem, it might be more to avoid pain than to further be down on oneself, it might be a temporary way out of self loathing. 030417 ... god there's a store, at the mall, that sells shirts with this feature. 030417 ... unhinged ok. let me be a little more precise for the lack of clarification. and a few other c words like connotation and context. an exact quote: 'call me cold, but it's really pathetic. i don't mean pathetic in the way someone might look down on you, i mean pathetic in the way you are causing others to fell empathy for you. FEEL YOUR PAIN. that's just fucking selfish. honestly, most people have their own problems and yours are not that significant. torturing yourself isn't making it any better.' that my dear is what you wrote. call me patronizing. call me a bitch. but if you are going to use the words 'me' and 'i' that usually implies that is a personally held belief. so you think my paraphrase of this particular grouping of words that you put together but didn't mean to sound abrasive or rude was inaccurate? the fact of the matter is that to communicate effectively with others you have to use modern everyday english in CONTEXTS that are standard. when i read the word 'pathetic' in the context of the words around it (which by the way is how most people approach reading comprehension) and in a somewhat close proximity to that word i see the words 'i mean pathetic in the way you are causing others to fell empathy for you. FEEL YOUR PAIN. that's just fucking selfish;' the CONNOTATION of the word pathetic does not come across as the greek root of pathos but more along the lines of my inaccurate paraphrase 'well i hope i didn't offend anyone by telling you how pathetic and attention-seeking you are' and maybe i should have replaced the word 'pathetic' with the word 'selfish' for the sake of accuracy. and you can argue semantics all you want, but it does not change the fact that you are a judgemental prick. or you are just really stupid and insensitive; but since we have been dancing around the word 'empathy' and we all know that because a person can say a word they can act on those words cause talk isn't cheap or anything, i guess i'm the one being a completely selfish unempathetic judgemental prick. we always turn our faults around on those around us and actions definitely speak louder than words (at the risk of sounding trite of course). don't think you are the first one to come here and tell us how assinine (oops, wouldn't want to use my own vocabulary, wouldn't want to misinterpret) we are for wallowing in our own misery; just one last thing for you to think about since there's no need to argue: depression isn't chased away by anger and oppression and imposition and politeness. and behind every word on this screen there is a person you don't know. you don't have to feel sad for me; my anger for you is short-lived and faceless. i am sick because i want to be. you are an asshole because you want to be. let's just leave it at that. .... or it may be to let their friends save their empathy for someone who they think deserves it more. 030417 ... Mahayana OH MY GOD I WANNA JUMP ALL OVER THIS! i wish i had time and i WILL jump when i have time but the darn loverly IT-CNS course workload is extremely accelerated, oh but i love it- anyhow... [words from myself shall come when time permits, just know that this whole topic is really eatting at me till then] love sass-- Unhinged, im glad youre not bitting your tongue on this one *great big hugs* 030417 ... unhinged it's nice to see you on this page yana; you are one of the only people that has noticed my cuts but not made me felt bad about them. so i guess i got an assistantship at uwm, so i'm going to be moving up to milwaukee in a few months. :) 030417 ... Nathan88 dont fit me 030417 ... niska dish it but can't take it? ok... like YOU can. i can't believe that someone can bark their whole trauma at someone for saying it's too hot for long sleeves, but i can't disagree... that's so ridiculous. you want it clearer? check the fucking mirror. once again, this is straying farther and farther from the actual point at hand. and now? yeah - this is an argument. bitch? i suppose... http://www.heartless-bitches.com i can't say i agree wholly with the authors of this site, but i can completely identify with many of it's members. if you're actually going to go here, don't just read the front page - it's crap. read what people actually have to say. go through it, and realize that choosing not to be burdened with other people's bullshit is not being a bitch. it's rational. what may seem insensitive to you is realistic to me, unhinged. i had no idea you were going to react that way to my blathe, though had i, it wouldn't change my thoughts on the subject. you earlier asked if i would say these things to the person i cared about who did this to themselves. the answer, is no. because the things i wrote are what he said TO ME about his own hell he lived through. he's my fiance, and there's not one day that goes by that i can find anything about him i don't love. the only thing that hurts is his own regret and resentment towards himself and the scars he will forever carry, reminding him that there was a time he hated himself enough to die. and now, he realises that he lost a very significant portion of his life for absolutely no reason he can even comprehend now. he can only asses his behaviour now that he isn't living it. he understands his troubles as a kid were only magnified by the vicious cycle of self-hatred he created. by shunning those who aren't thinking ANYTHING about you, as people who MUST be thinking SOMETHING, is paranoia and only causes yourself more despair. perhaps, the next time someone says it's too hot for long sleeves, you could respond with 'yeah, i know...' which is far more civil, and a lot less intrusive. just because you feel shit, doesn't mean you have to force others to feel your shit too. tom wonders what the fuck he's going to say to our children someday when they ask. and all we can do is be honest. how CAN you explain to a three-year-old (which is the age he asked his father about the scar on his chin) that dad used to cut himself? these are things WE face. YOU? I have no idea - and what i said doesn't have fuck all to do with what's going to happen in YOUR life. i blathe in the first person - it's a lot easier than 'he/she' being all PC all the time... 'you' is just the same as 'them', so fucking quit feeling like i'm on your case. there are some things couples keep from each other - which they are allowed - we all need personal space. this site is mine and he knows nothing about its existence. though last night, i couldn't even go to sleep without discussing this with him. there's parts of his life he's chosen not to remember, and they are the parts he wishes he could. so before you accuse me of being cold, or insensitive, because you don't know me or where i'm coming from, or why i felt compelled to write on this page at all, consider that you don't know me, and nothing i say can be that personal to you. the only reason i feel compelled to tell you that, is because you are truly stuck in whatever you're in, and if you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you can't take it out on those that do. i do feel sorry for you, which i mentioned before, but hopefully someday you won't feel these things, you won't destroy yourself and you will remember your life and not regret one bit of it. i only feel compelled to apologize because you have some real problems, which are more than just words on a page. it is sad and unfair to you, but perhaps i don't understand how a person could care so little about themselves. i never had a perfect life either, but i didn't get wrapped up in any self-loathing. i won't pretend to know how you feel personally, but i really don't want to be any contributing factor to your further unhappiness. please, if it would make you feel any better, just say 'you're such a fucking bitch' and mean it, but at least accept that you feel that way, and get over what i said. what others think doesn't matter, least of all people you don't know. or like. don't let what anyone says affect you. i don't care what you think about me - but i do have a shred of human decency where i don't think it's necessary for people to hurt themselves, and i feel sorry beacuse you are far more sensitive than your initial blathe on the subject ever would have let on. if you don't want to believe that, i can't change it. life doesn't get easier as it goes by, you just find ways to cope and discover happiness in it. plus, it's short. in my opinion, you're wasting it, but if you don't agree, that's not for me to decide either. it's only one person's opinion, who you will never meet, who has nothing to do with your life. at all. someone once told me here that you can't blathe something and then get mad at someone for giving their opinion. if you all agree with that, then let's just take a good long look at what we're doing here, and realize none of this is going to matter to any of us, and if it does, it's time to turn off the computer and talk to real humans for a while. i'm not 'mad' about your opinion - i feel it's completely valid from your perspective. but i happen to disagree with the way you overreact to someone's benign statement about the weather, thinking it has everythign to do with you and your troubles. say what you want about what you assume my personality traits to be - i know better than you ever will about myself, so hate, hate, hate away! ;) i think it's great. but don't take anything i said EVER to that personally. i'm here to clean the soup-skin off my brain at the end of my work day, and your feelings aren't my first concern. if, like you said earlier, the things i said would cause a person like you to dig deeper into the mess they're in, you're mistaken. no one makes anyone feel anything. no one can. we let ourselves feel things, whether necessary or not. yes, this is all over the place, but i can't be bothered to re-read this before i post. i shouldn't have to - these are my thoughts, and you are neither some educator, not my editor. i'm not sorry for any of my opinions expressed here, but i will apologize to you unhinged, because i want to go to sleep tonight at least having told you (i honestly would have come back last night to do so if tom wasn't home) that i in no way wished to cause you any harm. what you do to yourself, however, is beyond my control. 030418 ... mo wow all this in a work i started. i feel so special. niska, i do often think about what am i going to say to my kids one day when they ask about scars...thats my motivation to stop. Be careful assuming that you can form a rational opinion on this matter based soley on your fiance's experience. Everybody is different...every situation is different. unhinged, ah its never to hot for long sleeves! 030418 ... mo word not work 030418 ... birdmad In my own experience some people will continualy pester you about the long sleeves. "Jesus, will you roll those things up already, it's makin' me all uncomfortable and warm just lokin' at that." Umm, no "Come on, already, it's getting on my nerves. For fuck sakes it hotter than a snake's ass on a skillet outside and i'm gonna keep bugging you til you do. Okay?" Okay, if you really think i must. "Oh, shit. jesus, nevermind." Yeah, well, whatever, you insisted. I make them across my chest when i do it now so that since i am not prone to going shirtless, people who wanna be bullshit little amateur shrinks can't pop out of the woodwork and tell me that i'm just doing it for the attention. I'm not as young as the average person who cuts, either. The sting of the literal cuts is my tool to distract me from the ache of the figurative ones. That's why i do it, not so that someone who thinks they know shit about shit can try and get on their high horse and spit shit at me for it. 030418 ... unhinged my initial post on this subject really had nothing to do with the weather, other than the fact that the day i made the post i was sitting at a table at school and a girl i am not friends with and don't really like noticed some recent cuts on my arm and asked me what happened to my arm. i didn't say 'fuck off' or 'none of your goddamn business.' what i said in reality was 'nothing' and hid my arm behind my back and she said 'ok' and started talking to the rest of the people sitting at the table. obviously every blather isn't based in reality or in reality that is even apparent to anyone else that reads/writes here. i know what i do to myself is detrimental, a disease, something i am not going to want to explain ever to anyone that loves me. but someday i want to look at what i've done to myself and be able to be triumphant at the fact that those cuts got me through to the point where i am finally happy, without need of a blade as birdmad put it to make 'The sting of the literal cuts is my tool to distract me from the ache of the figurative ones.' i am not angry with you. i think i already said that long before you told me not to be angry with you. and i have had trouble in the past not attacking people for their opinions when they don't coincide with mine, but i guess that is the beauty of the internet and the united states. i don't have to agree with you. and i didn't think i was being particularly disrespectful by not agreeing with you. blather is the kind of place, especially the way many of us are: over-opinionated assholes, that when you say something you should expect a response. that's part of the experiment. there have been many times in my life where i have quit cutting for extended periods of time because i didn't want to hurt the people i loved around me. but the moments of darkness come back to me, when i need the release. i have realized for a long time, that hurting myself and hating myself pulls me into a deeper trap. i work to pull myself out of it everyday. but somedays, i do not have the reason or the want. and someday, i will be able to be completely truthful and honest with myself without making myself feel like a piece of shit. someday. but that day is not today, tomorrow, or last week. i think i am throwing away my razorblades when i move to milwaukee. 030418 ... NTSR Niska: a few last things: -You seem to claim to be a "heartless bitch" in the sense that you don't care about what people think about you or what you say. However, peoples' reactions to your post were strong, and your reactions to those were equally strong. Don't you think that claiming and re-claiming that you don't care is a sign that you actually do care? -Did you read Tom your actual post? I would be interested to know what he had to say about you calling people like him selfish and pathetic (in any context) -Unhinged simply represents the group of people who were offended by your post. There seem to be many; some who don't have the courage to argue with you. You seem to invite argumentation with pride. I understand not caring about what people think, but have you honestly forgotten compassion? For God's sake, you have a fiancee in this situation. What makes you go out of your way to offend people? 030418 ... sabbie ok, time for me to wade in. i would roll up my sleeves, but reading the blathes already here i think that would be inapproprate. [gets ready to duck the flying comments for her first sentace] brevity aside, niska, i have many issue with the things you have so blindly said. a lot of them have been addressed by other people on here, but theres a couple that have been missed. so here goes: firstly, i read your blathes not understanding how you could wade in when you yourself stated that it wasnt something from your history. most people that stand on their soapboxes pleading with people to come to the understandings that the soapboxers have normally approach subjects that they have knowledge of. so when i read your explination that your tom used to do it and now he feels really bad about it, the clouds cleared. ok, so he feels all bad and youve taken that on board. but turning around to others trying to explain to them just how blind they are, well, youre comming across like a born-again christian. for instance: "and if you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you can't take it out on those that do" direct quote, copy and pasted from the blathe. now i take offense at your sheer arragance. ok, so youre about to marry some boy that once cut himself. yay for fucking you. just cos you have heard him talk about a tunnel doesnt mean that youve see it, or been there, or indeed that everyone's tunnel is the same. tom has stopped cutting, believe me, im raising a glass to him. but how fucking arragant of you to assume that now tom has that everyone else should. if only they could see how silly they are, you think to yourself, wait, i know how to make them understand what i think is right... smack them around the head with my superiority complex… that will fix the worlds ills… "i mean pathetic in the way you are causing others to fell empathy for you. FEEL YOUR PAIN. that's just fucking selfish. honestly, most people have their own problems and yours are not that significant." so tell me. how is that sympathic? how is that helpful? you dont think that those sentences doesnt smack just a little of contempt? and so, if i did roll up my sleeves at the start of this blathe and you happened to notice if i had scars, this is me battering you with My Problems? and if i left my sleeves down so as not to offend your delicate sensilibites? ahh, but i forget. your tom cut himself. so you must know Us All. not wishing to sound gothic and angsty for a moment, but I can help you to FEEL MY PAIN. come here for a minute. you roll up your sleeves and I’ll reach for the stanley knife. deal? i wouldn’t normally offer you understand, but you seem So Keen to experience it from the other side so you actually know what youre talking about, rather than just wading in with someone elses opinions and ending up looking like a complete moron… "i said this before, and i'll say it again: i think a lot of you are just expecting an argument because i argued with someone else a long time ago, and you naturally assume i'm somehow out to get you personally. get over yourselves. " AHAHAHAHAHAHA... get over yourselves? time for a little cold harsh truth here babe. i dont recognise your name, i dont remember you from any other blathe ive ever read. dont assume cos you got grumpy at someone once somewhere else on blather that We mark you down as a troublemaker, and leap on you when you offer your opinion. when someone says something dumb, they deserve to be smacked down, especially when it is said in such an antagonistic way. swan in here, tell unhinged that she is pathetic and wrong in such a condesending way and then act all offended and surprised when people turn on your for it? no, no, you are right, we should have sat quietly and been impressed by such heartfelt and thoughtful phrases such as: of course there's nothing to look forward to - you haven't experienced anything yet. I dunno about the rest of blather, but that certainly warms me to you. especially when you say further on about yourself : because you don't know me or where i'm coming from, but obviously you know everything about the people you are addressing, which allows you to make such broad statements such as telling us that we havnt experienced anything yet. “but i do have a shred of human decency where i don't think it's necessary for people to hurt themselves, “ however its way obvious from your comments that your shred doesn’t extend much farther than that. i wish i could say i was magnanimous enough to feel sorry for you, but i dont. i dont know anything about you but how you have presented yourself in this blathe. and you come across as an self-absorbed, childish and petulant woman who has no understanding or compassion for anything that anyone else might be going through. and for that impression you have no one to blame but yourself. 030421 ... one of the silent crowd i_keep_my_sleeves_down 030421 ... niska sabbie: 'i wish i could say i was magnanimous enough to feel sorry for you, but i dont.' i hope you're mocking me here, and NOT actually hoping you could feel sorry for me. what for? i don't feel sorry for myself, and would never expect pity. you however seem to think i'm not justified in choosing what/who to pity. the fact that i don't feel bad for someone who has the power to change a situation they don't like, is not cold. and if the situation isn't all that bad, who really needs my pity? if none of you need my pity, why are you so pissed that i'll openly admit i wouldn't offer it? you're not seeking attention; you're not craving sympathy, yet it angers you that i refuse to sympathize with a situation so ridiculous as this. for fuck sakes, you're cutting your body. if this is a problem, get help. if it's not that big a problem, why are you surprised i'd rather reserve my sentiments for people who DON'T expect it, like real victims and those who's lives are tragically altered BEYOND their own control. And to whomever brought this up: I wouldn't read this to Tom, because it's pointless. who do you think gave me this insight into his life? We have gone through this many a time. read what i wrote before you play him on me. you have no idea. This is what happens when you grow, people. refuse to believe it, and bitch cause i tell you things you hate hearing, but someday, everything will be different. you have choices, and no one's sympathy regarding the outcome of them is going to change your control in the matter. you're mad that i don't care, and i'm sure you'll tell me you don't care if i care. i think this issue is tired, and there's really no where else to go when you're going to run around in circles. look at it this way: whatever motivates you to hurt yourself is YOUR thing. whatever makes me think it's pointless, is mine. i doubt you can tell me you honestly care about every single human being on the planet. right now there are children in Tibet who will never know their culture, and are being abused in similar ways and they CAN'T choose this. don't give me this shit about me being insensitive because i'm not crying for YOU. there are people out there who are actually victims of unwilling circumstance, not assailants to themselves. i don't care if you want to argue further. if things were so 'obvious', as you put it sabbie, then why even bother being redundant? just accept that i'm not going to see this your way, as you won't see it mine. you people take everything so damn personally, when it isn't you in particular that i don't care for, it's YOUR arrogance and YOUR selfishness that i don't care for. Do you think anyone owes you sympathy because you have some problems you refuse to fix? It's not like there isn't help - FREE help, so don't whine that i'm not crying for you. all of you are free, or you wouldn't be here. make some positive choices in your lives, and quit blaming the world. there are people in this world who are far worse off. i'm not saying your problems don't matter. i'm saying that there is no such thing as a problem with no solution in the free world. if you refuse to find one, don't get mad at me when i see that as irrational. hate me all you want, and get mad that i judged. you all judge too - no one is exempt. i'm done with this. 030427 ... antisocialbehaviour its seems like niska only sees what she WANTS to see, and doesnt realise that no-one really hates her, she just needs to stop preaching about stuff she has no clue about. 030428 ... unhinged it's funny how people mistake anger for caring and mistake being rude for being honest. i guess the whole point of this argument is that 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it all' because tim had the power to change presumably with your help, we should all have the power to change because our situation is exactly like his. i realize that there are many things more tragic in this world then what happens to me, but just like i don't know you or them, you don't know me. sometimes the power to change is love and sometimes it is horrible things, but it hardly ever comes only from within. there are very few people in this world that are that self-motivated as to change something like that. and depression does kind of kill any chance at motivation. yes, it is a circle. a deep dark circle. and more people have to deal with it every day due to the amount of judgemental people in the world that cry about people being whiny and self_indulgent when they are actually sick. if you knew a person that had cancer, you wouldn't tell them that they were being selfish for putting their pain onto you when you had to watch them puke because of chemo. medecine and rationality are not the cure for something that is consuming and irrational and neither is judgement. healing love is the exact opposite of judging someone. and while you don't have to love me or any of the people here it just comes back to an earlier statement: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it. and when you do and people get pissed and defensive you shouldn't wonder why and then yell at them for getting that way. it's a natural reaction. 030428 ... little bug If you dont have anything nice to say then get the hell out of my closet 030428 ... megan wow guys if you're so right, why should you have to argue? just a question... arguing is for the weak... if you believe something, good for you! 030428 ... silentbob its good i'm wearing long sleeves today because it says "Mandy Was Here" on my arm, and it was put there last night 030429 ... falling_alone hide the scars from the sharp nails that ripped into my skin out of anger, and i'll always be reminded of what she did to me and how she felt becuase they have yet to fade. at times i wonder if they huant her or can she simply forget how at that time she became a monster and lost all sense of self. does she even notice them? those nail marks on my arms for i am always near her. can she remember or did it not matter that she scarred my flesh with those somewhat cresent-shaped marks. she shouldve have at least said she was sorry. i would have. if i had marred my sister's flesh... 031102 ... Doar *sits down and starts eating popcorn* 050802 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl i dont like that i have to consider whether or not to do it because of future consequences, of people who might (god forbid) talk about it, about jobs, about life, children, whatever. it used to feel a lot easier, when i was more naive and didnt consider consequences. but the pain and release from the amount i used to cut isn't enough. i know if i start to cut now then it WILL scar, and i can't have that, right? i have OTHER people to consider. how dare i do things to myself when other people will be offended to look at them. i think that all scars are interesting. on myself and other people. i love the fact that each one tells a story. any scars i get don't bother me personally, but i'm told they will bother future employers and i will 'regret' them a lot. i currently still have marks on my legs from last time i cut. i remember feeling guilty after they didn't fade in days, weeks, and now months. now i don't mind them. they're still visible, barely. if you weren't looking for them, you probably wouldn't see them. people didn't notice them when they were darker, more obvious. but then again maybe i'm the only one who stares at myself obsessively in the mirror and analyses the reflection. but no. i want scars. i think thats the simplest way to put it. i said already how i find scars interesting, and these would tell stories, entire volumes on their own. i would be able to look at them in the future and think...... i got past that. i made those experiences a part of myself, and although some bad stuff happened, i embraced it and now it's part of who i am, and i don't mind that. sometimes i get so, so badly frustrated that i can't cut any more. because of the goddamn fucking consequences. at those times all i want to do is curl up and hide under the covers, but that's not enough there is a screaming numbness inside me that won't be sated i can cry, scream and close my eyes but it doesn't relent. i can't write to release it and i can't do anything arty. talking to people isn't something i can do either, its mostly about stuff i hate talking about anyway, or its pure self pity that i feel embarrassed about talking to anyone else about, and hence i feel even worse. the only thing i want to do, even though i haven't done it for ages, is cut. that seems like the ONLY option left. and i can't do it. i have no options. then suicide starts to look really appealing. then if i don't jerk back into reality i crave the cutting again. but i never do anything and this cycle gets harder and harder to bear every time. antidepressants? they also ruin your future job prospects, i'm told. so i'm all out of things to choose, and the bad feeling won't leave. maybe at this rate there won't be any job prospects in the future, because i won't last that long. thats the self pity talking. but god, i wish i could just give into this urge to cut one i've been battling for ages, and i think about it every goddamn day every single one. long sleeves just don't look that bad any more. 050803 ... eighteen scars are fading enough from my inner arm that I can wear short sleeves, but tank tops are a problem because I took to slashing up my shoulder. Cutting is a past expression, so covering up pisses me off. Can't we all just giggle about angst and ignore the scars? Nobody tells me I need to, but I know I do, and I always have something buttoned over tanktops. 050803 what's it to you? who go blather from