i_keep_my_sleeves_down so fucking lost in a moment of drunken savergy i have marked myself again 020622 ... little fury bug ...to hide the timelines on my wrists ...and because it's easier to hide my tricks. 020623 ... x the old man with the glasses and the white beard asked if that was why i wore longsleeves i said "yes" actually though, i was just cold 030131 ... Syrope i wear long sleeves, and i keep my sleeves down whem i'm most insecure even though there are no incriminating marks on my arms even if it's way too hot to not push them up i just like having something near my hand, something i can hold on to if i need to 030131 ... unhinged sometimes my scars embarass me. claire was the most amazing violin teacher i ever had; it was july. no sleeves to keep down. she noticed. she noticed that i noticed that she noticed. i miss alessia. i'm sure she's incredibly big by now. sweet little alessia. i keep arguing internally. it's winter. i wouldn't have to make a special effort for my clothes to hide them. that was always such a hassle; planning my clothes around the scabs on my forearms. i have been sobbing lately; i don't know at what, but it hurts. and i clamp my left wrist with my right hand and hope that maybe if i give my self bruises that i won't need to give my self scars. but sometimes i don't need to be suicidal...it just feels good. to get the blade stuck in the layers of my epidermis and drag it.... 030201 ... onemorebumpintheroad i keep my sleeves down, but sometimes i forget. i'm that movie "Clerks". Sad isn't it? But anyways... I have to slice lunchmeat, so I roll up my sleeves. Then I start to think, 'Who wants a pound of turkey from some girl with ribbons of scars across her wrists. It makes me self-conscious. 030303 ... stork daddy that's why i box or wrestle. i get that nice pain, i can blame other people for it (even though i seek it out) and i get to play the fun game of weight management. ah self. 030421 ... god what a coincidence! I KEEP MY PANTS DOWN! 030422 ... /anon I heared about wrist_banging somewhere and decided I'd give it a shot. its much less noticeable and brings about the same crap I need to feel alive as any other pain did. I couldent cut very deep anyway. I can't take pain I'm too new to it I'm so fucking pathetic. i just started to see the world through a smoke screen anyway maybe I should give myself more time. 030422 ... causeisuckthatswhy its too hot here, too hot for sleeves im not sure if im sweating from the heat or from the nervousness of them finding her her dirty little secret her filthy pathetic lies i wonder if she screams through my eyes when i think of the times the times we had so horrible and ugly revisited so much maybe i dont hide her cause i dont need to and i dont care. they know, 030819 ... rubydee but sometimes i slip up and you see anyway. 050622 ... a chaotic gift to idealism onemorebumpintheroad... someone who doesn't see them most of the time and when they do see them, they can only stare with empty eyes and an empty expression as they know why these ribbons are tied so tight, why they will taunt until the end of time, and why they wish they weren't of their own. I have seen fresh ribbons bound and I spoke of the beauty. It is tragic that we do the things we do but, in the tragedies we confront ourselves with, we learn one more thing about something that concerns us. We dont cut without purpose. We dont cut without the mildest of cries, pleading to those who we care to have see. They were beautiful. The red is so vivid. Not even in the days of LSD could i have seen a color so deep. The color seemed to speak to me in more than what it allowed my eyes to see. It made me hurt. I have not hurt in years. I am sorry I made myself what ailes you. Please, drive over me or do us both a favor. Step out of the car with your hands above your head..... you are under a rest. 050622 ... a chaotic gift to idealism I know you need one. A rest. 050622 what's it to you? who go blather from