dear_dad kerry i want to take nails and gouge out the stars from the sky to leave you soaked in black i live for your laugh. and smiles i deserve from you, when i try SO hard.... i drink up your crinkled eyes, cracked oin mirth and delight, my soul soaks up light that radiates from you. and i watch you from across rooms, and treasure you, and cry over you too much because we are so alike, and close enough that i want to reach out for your hand but cant. i simply can't communicate anything worthy of your interest and while they bask in your glow i sit in icy darkness feeling sorry for myself. and wondering how it is that i am the one not feeling love from you, when i am the one who throbs for it the most. 020716 ... dB This is precicely why I'll never be a father. Imagine doing that to a child, even if you don't mean to. They can't help it, I think. But they could try harder. 020716 ... squint You have created less than your think and more than I beleive you have. I could funnel all my words into a small stream, and for you that would be the easiest way. Your drinking hurts more than just you, if you've even noticed that it hurts you. It gets worse as I grow. I am beginning to think that I am no longer blossoming, but have begun wilting, or just shrinking back into myself. We all think the first word to decribe you is 'creepy' and that itself 'creeps' me out. You asked me a question the other day that a father should not ask his daughter. But when confronted with a question such as that, how am I supposed to react? I joke. I joke with you or I yell at you and none of it registers anyway, its as if you are so beyond really communicating, that it all takes place in your head and you cannot give me the benefit of putting on a show and wearing words like everyone else does. Its HOW its supposed to be executed. Its acceptable to talk to yourself as long as it isnt for a half an hour in the company of other people. You do things like that. I don't know how I am supposed to react or behave. I just wish i didn't have to worry about that. --Jamie. 020717 ... Sailor Jupiter "Oh father, you never wanted to live that way. You never wanted to hurt me. Why am I running away?" - Madonna I don't need a shrink to tell me that you're the cause of all this. I know. I know. 020717 ... Freak You never stop working. You live down the road and I still never see you. Its not like your home anyway. You tell me now that 2 people have quit so whats that mean? More work for you. I laugh and shake my head when I really want to tear into you. I want to punch you in the stomach and tell you that you are a fucking moron who cares more about working his life away then his two daughters. I want to tell you that I don't even care to see you anymore. Theres no longer a want to have you in my life at all. Yet, for some reason, I still love you. 020717 ... princess kerry, what you wrote was so moving. it made me cry. it's so true 020717 ... kerry im sorry i made you cry!!! 020718 ... daxle I wish I had been there for your last breath. 020718 ... princess no way it was awesome! you hit the nail on the head. i showed it to my brother and he thought it was cool too. 020718 ... birdmad sorry that i haven't been to visit you and mom in such a long time i understand how disappointed you probably are in me for the things you probably know i've done, the ones i kept from you while you were here i know we'd have a bunch of shit to argue about, but i would take that over the way it is now any day there's been so many times when i could have used your advice, but that's a part of why i haven't been... the stones and hedges never answer back i dreamed of an owl the other day just as they were getting me stabilized, tell mom i said thanks i don't know when it will be, but the next time i go to see you i will bring a good brush to clean away the dust i wish i could do more than that, though if i could have taken it away, if i could have traded places i would have. yeah, if it were up to me i would have made that trade so that the rest of my neices and nephews, the ones that have come along since you've been gone, could have the chance to know their grandparents instead of just their screwed-up uncle i don't think it as often as i used to, but it still crosses my mind - that and the music you asked us to play as they turned the little lever and lowered you down it never dawned on me until that day that just as you carried me as a child, one day i would have to carry you i cried once as your breath began to fail you quietly beneath the sound of that noisy respirator and for some reason could not do so again until after my handful of earth finished pattering softly above you and in those days between, i was you, the way you were for your brothers and sister and mother when you carried your dad to the place where he sleeps. i was the shoulder they cried on, quiet and stoic and reassuring... not because i meant to be but because i was still too much in shock to fully grasp it all as the last particle of dirt slipped through my fingers it hit me like a cannonball we miss you dad, you and mom both. 020718 ... freakizh a cigarette burns me madly, an idiotic action covered by alcohol, racist words and racist thinking, and each time tougher sacrificies from my mother to save you. all you can do is complain, complaining thru yells. somekind of weird authority you're, for the mere sake of your ego. it hurts like hell, living with you. and deep inside my child traumas and your belt, i'm still craving your aproval for everything. 020721 ... neverisalways Sinead O'Connor Daddy I'm Fine I was born in Dublin town Where there was not too much going on down For girls whose only hope Was not to find a man who could piss in a pot So early I heard my first guitarAnd I knew I wanted to be a big star And I told my poor worried father Said I ain't gonna go to school no more Cuz see I wanna look cool and I wanna look good With my hair slicked back and my black leather boots Wanna stand up tall with my boobs upright And feel real hot when the makeup's nice I get sexy underneath the lights Like I wanna fuck every man in sight Baby come home with me tonight Make you feel good make you feel all right I'm going away to London I got myself a big fat plan Gonna be a singer in a rock 'n' roll band And I'm gonna change everything I can Sorry to be disappointing Wasn't born for no marrying Wanna make my own living singing Strong independent Pagan woman singing And I feel real cool and I feel real good Got my hair shaved off and my black thigh boots I stand up tall with my pride upright And I feel real hot when the makeup's nice I get sexy underneath them lightsLike I wanna fuck every man in sight Baby come home with me tonight Make you feel good make you feel all right I'm glad I came here to London I've myself some big fat fun And I have even made some mon' I got the most angelic son My baby daughter is golden And I do what I like for fun And I'm happy in my prime Daddy I'm fine Daddy I'm fine Daddy I'm fine Daddy I'm fine And Daddy I love you Bow to the awesomeness of Sinead! 031231 what's it to you? who go blather from