modern_anna_karenina elimeny 2001-08-14 Names have been changed to protect the guilty…. "do you know what you are to me? do you have any idea what you've done to me? one month ago i was ready to get the hell out of this town, like ive been trying to do for the past two years. I was running, fleeing from this scapegoat city of all that i hated. Then you show up, you, who i cant even have, you, a symbol for everything i've ever wanted but couldnt attain, and now everything else that ive shot for for the past couple of years i can have....and the one thing i cant is right in front of me, and suddenly i feel myself falling from my former dreams, and stumbling after this one impossible hope. I am useless, and helpless, and insane. That, That, Justin, is what you've done to me." "the choices we are given, it's no choice at all" "but you must always know how long to stay and when to go" "it took awhile to understand the beauty of just letting go" He finished rubbing her shoulders, and tried to pick up her hand. She giggled at the difficulty she had in bending it just so. Finally she adjusted, so that her hand lay in his. "I do this sometimes too." He said, and as she watched, his hands, so calloused, with blackened fingernails, rubbed the soft skin of her palms. She watched him apply pressure to her knuckles and rub small circles into her palms. He pressed his finger down the length of her own, and she watched her thumb lie helplessly in his own palm. The miniature size of her thumb resting in his palm mesmerized her, and as he performed this massage, she couldnt help but gently wrapping her fingers around his own, hoping against hope he wouldnt notice. She wanted to look at him, because she felt his gaze on her, but her position only allowed her to watch his actions with her hands. With one hand he would cradle her wrist, and with the other he would rub his thumb gently down the middle of her forearm. Where they had laughed and giggled earlier, with frequent embarrassed exclamations of how much better she felt, and conversations of how these actions used to soothe his wife when pregnant, now there was an aching silence. She felt tears warming her face against the pillow, and so she turned her head the other way. He laughed and joked that she didn't want to look at him, and she giggled a nervous response. He patted her hand and lay it upon the bed. He asked for her other hand and began to get up so as to move to the other side of the bed. But she sat up and turned over in one fell swoop, with a goofy smile on her face. He grinned, and took her other hand. He focused his attention on his task. She watched him work, and felt her fingertips tingle, and her joints loosen. She didnt care about the dirty condition of her hands, because she knew his were the same. Suddenly she felt helpless. There was nothing she could do at that moment, wrapped up in the sensations he uncovered. The most innocent of actions now left her armorless, with no defenses. She watched his iridescent eyes focus on their duty, and thus she died. The skin of everything she had wanted, and planned, and desired, and needed fell away. She was lost in this moment, and reborn into his shadow. Internally, a subconscious suicide had been performed. Silence may have echoed in the room, but the blood rushing throughout her system, his breathing guiding her own, all these factors provided a whirlwind for her ears. Once again her eyes misted, and he looked in her face, and smiled. "What?" "Nothing." And though she smiled, the gesture only revealed her waning vivacity and energy, her newfound inability for recovery; she was lost the moment that he looked through her. Finally he ceased his actions and nudged her to move over. In her state of confusion she obeyed, and turned on her side. He lay down beside her, facing her back, faint breathing on her neck. A rush of nervousness overcame her as she recollected the dream she had the night before. Suddenly she sat up, and jumped out of bed. What am I doing? I laid here with Shawn, I lay here with Justin... I can't do this, oh God, I want to but I can't.... we have to go back to work look at the time there will be rumours what will they say who can i talk to there is no one oh God i have to put my shoes on where are my keys my sense my room is a mess my mind is a mess my life is a mess.... i cant cry here....how does he seem so sure of what he’s doing when he’s at even more risk than I? How does he know what to do, to say, it all seems okay to him….im bringing this on him, I know… She turned to him, trying not to reveal her panicked state. He smiled and asked her where she was going. He teased her, saying “Oh so you got to lay down and now I want to and I can’t?”. Flashes of Shawn saying the same words in a much less comical mood ran through her mind. She scrambled out the bedroom door, down the steps, saying they had to go back to work, that she was leaving, asking him if he wanted a ride… She sat on the foot of the stairs holding her head with one hand and her shoes with the other, breathing… concentrate on breathing… Obligingly he descended the stairwell, asking where the bathroom was. She showed him, and returned to her post, tying her shoelaces like she had learned as an innocent child. He returned to the steps and they went out the door, hopped in her car and drove off. She took him to Mobil where he bought cigarettes; she waited, with the car running and in drive. Though he was gone less than a minute, flashes of his wife, of his two children struck her mind. She reminded herself she was leaving, she was only 18, she was just a kid, and she shouldn’t get involved in this. It was only a crush before… nothing leading nowhere… now her pointless daydreams were celebrating in her heart, and her mind indignantly shouted to get back to work, forget all else, just work and go to school and marry a good man named Shawn and be a teacher and settle down with 2.6 children and a white picket fence. There would be no affair, no drama… she would accept her life as is and settle. Settle. Settle…. It was just a fantasy that half-happened. That night there was a store meeting, and she felt him sitting behind her. Her forehead throbbed – his massage may have soothed it for awhile, but now his existence increased its ferocity. Like a child, she waited for him after the meeting. But her head hurt – and in her solitude, she awakened. This was nothing. Only to her did it matter and exist. To Kitty, he was special, he was beautiful, there was a vibrance around him. It was more than just a change of pace. At least that’s how she felt presently. But she knew it wasn’t like that for Justin. This was a flattering situation on his side. He didn’t have to feel anything towards her. It was exciting for her because she was so attached to him; it was exciting to him because she was something different, someone who flattered him like he hadnt been in years. It had nothing to do with her intrinsically. There were no ideas to end marriages or relationships or drop two year goals. It was unrealistic. There was no way anything with Justin could turn out well; even if the impossible were true, and he did return her affection in full, even if he would turn away from his devotion to his family and leave them all for her, she would never forgive herself. She didn’t want that. And in all reality, there wasn’t a chance on Earth that he would perform such a feat in her name. Not because he was a bad person; precisely because he was a wonderful man. She knew all this. And she also knew that the way things were already going she would end up acting like a jealous girlfriend, the way she acted with Shawn. Yet, there was nothing between her and Justin. Nothing. There never would be anything. And she had to accept that. Justin had made a decision about his life – a very permanent one that had nothing to do with her. Because of this, nothing could be fresh, or easy. But this was insanely difficult for Kitty to accept, because unlike Justin, she had made no rash decisions (she had a hard enough time making any decisions at all) in her youth. She could not enable herself to completely comprehend how this one singular individual, nearly the same age as herself, could already have his entire life mapped out before him – unalterable, and certainly not open to suggestions. Her input was unnecessary, and, indeed quite superfluous. She was simply an annoying bug, a fly buzzing around his settled life that he would bat away before she could make an effect. She suddenly felt like a child, like there was so much more she could have done with her life by now. After all, at her age, he was married with one boy and a girl on the way. And thus she knew she would never get what she really wanted – him. But she would have been satisfied with a sincere “if only things had been different” lamentation, to soothe her aching head and heart. All she wanted to know was that somewhere inside of him, he had cared about her; more than just a friendship, or some gratefulness for fluffed up pride; An honest to God attraction and affection for her - Just to save her from the embarrassment and brokeness she already felt. Weirdest thing is how for once fact is stranger than fiction… 021211 ... elimeny 2001-08-17 Oh God... I am a terrible person. I had my parents up all night looking for me... I told them I was going out with some friends... and I was in a motel room with Brad... A married man, a father. I don't remember how he convinced me. It wasn't even an option when he joked about it at first. And then he was serious. And I thought, "Why not?". I'm terrible. Everything he said, everything we talked about... it's all there in the back of my mind. And it was so beautiful... and then afterwards it just wasn't so beautiful anymore. What am I doing? I was thinking about it today, driving to work. It was actually raining in Addison. And I started thinking about Tim and how things used to be. When I could tell he wanted me. And there wasn't so much hurt and pain and frustration with one another. And I missed that. I miss the old Tim. The one who made me feel special. The one who looked at me the same way Brad did last night. I want that back. And Brad looks so much like Tim... Maybe subconsciously I just got confused... maybe that's just my excuse. maybe that's always my excuse. He said that if it was meant to be, then it would. And I feel the same way. Maybe I'll come back from Cincinnati... maybe he'll get a divorce (ha!), maybe we'll be together. Maybe I'm just insane. All I know right now is that I am the only woman other than his wife who he has had sex with now. Will he look at me different tonight? Oh God, I don't know. He said he wouldn't but shiiiit, who knows? I'm trying to keep this crazy little fantasy together, denial and all. But I'm starting to feel guilty. I'm starting to miss Tim and how it used to be between us. But now? It will never be the same. And I can thank myself for that. God, I'm suddenly growing up. In the worst way. 021211 ... elimeny Alright, this has to stop. Everybody is starting to make assumptions about what is going on… I can’t have that. My parents are upset with me, my boyfriend misses me… and im kinda disgusted with myself… Casual sex is bad enough… but casual sex that makes me fall artificially in love with someone is even worse. Because I think that is what this has become. The sex was so beautiful, the entire routine so enchanting… that I’m falling for him because of it. And it should be the other way around, and I know better than this. But how do I go about telling him it has to stop? Because when I see him, I tremble with need... But I can't have him no matter what I do. And thus I have to accept defeat, and not constantly battle for something I can’t have. But what is really scary is that I have to do this on my own. I have no one to back me up, because the circumstances have called for complete and utter secrecy. I am in so much trouble, and it hasn’t hit me yet. Reality has not reared its ugly face to me yet. This all still seems like some sick fantasy. I got myself in real deep this time. Good job, Jessica. 021211 ... elimeny 2001-08-20 I just want to feel special. And he makes me feel that way. Look at what he’s risking, sacrificing for me? Even if he changed his mind, and decided he didn’t want to do it anymore, I understand. I’m still touched at what he risked in my name. After all, I am special, am I not? What disturbs me is that it was the best physical experience I’ve ever had. And not because he an incredible sex machine or anything like that. But because he was so gentle, and beautiful about it. When I started it, he stopped me, and smiled, and said “Not so fast…”. That was amazing to me. Forst time I’d ever heard those words. Then I lay upon him, and we were just kissing, and he asked me if I wanted to be on bottom. I nodded, and he smiled and said “Good… because that’s what I want”. Amazing… Then he asked me..”How do you like it?” “Slow…”. And thus it was. Maybe I’m taking advantage of his weak moment in life. He doestn have his medicine. But part of me thinks that maybe this should wake him up – he shouldn’t have to take pills to feel okay with living another day. That should come naturally. “You don’t have to lie about where you’ve been Cause we both know you’ve been screaming So why don’t you give your little voice a rest Come on up inside my bed And just pretend you need me You dont have to lie about what you know We both know you’ve been suffereing And I don’t need to be your only one I don’t need your comforting I just need you with me Stay stay stay with me Stay….stay with me….. Stay And dont you ever run away from me Stay stay with me Oh and if she ever lets you down Yeah cause she’s run out of your money Well then just crawl on back to me I’m the one who sets you free And Im the one that needs you And if she ever lets you gooo With no matter what your needing And if you need somewhere to rest Somewhere to lay your head Then you’ll know where to find me And stay stay stay with me Stay…stay with me…. Stay And don’t you ever run away from me Stay…stay with me….yeahhhh And if you need somewhere to rest Somewhere to lay your head You’ll know where to find me Stay with me Stay with….stay with me….s.tay with Stay with me….stay with….heyeah I cant live another day I wont live another day without you baby Stay with me Stay with me Stay with me, stay with me, stay with me Tear down the headlights Empty the ashtrays Sweep out the anyway What’s left of our time Well you can use my body To do what you have to But stay a little longer Stay with me…” I’m just dreaming too much about this. Nothing more will ever happen, and I don’t think ill ever see him again either, nor will I talk to him. That’s probably for the better, truly. But the thought is still very distressing to me. After that night…. 021211 ... elimeny 2001-08-21 Tim - I kinda miss you... I know that's more me than anything... It's my fault. It's just that I'm leaving here and all of a sudden there are all these people that are my friends. But actually, I really needed to tell you that I miss the old Tim more than anything. This is so silly for me to bring up, especially in an email, but... I guess I need to. I know we've both changed this past year and a half, and that's to be expected, and I guess i really can't see all the ways I've changed. I know I'm not as sweet, and I'm bitchier, and my emotions seem like a whirlwind. And then there is you. This may sound insane, but it used to feel like you listened and applied everythign I ever said. Now it's like I know you must hear me, but I guess you just forget... or maybe it just doesnt matter to you. I just dont really feel important, or special, or wanted anymore. I guess things just get old. And I know you'll say everything will change when i move up there, because you always say that... but what if it's too late, Timothy? Because I'm not getting that feeling anymore. I catch myself lookign at others the way i used to look at you... All these things that I wish I could say to you in face, or at least on the phone, and i used to be able to. But now I'm a bad person... and I can't... There are so many things that I just can't say anymore. It's been like that all summer. It's gotten to the point where I jsut dont care anymore. Like the other night, you kinda murmured that you trust me, and I realized that I dont care if you trust me. And I dont know if I trust you or not, because I dont care. I don't care what you do anymore, whether you go out or not. Hell, I don't even care if you cheat on me. Which must be somehwat relieving. Now you can have a life and not feel guilty. I would rather sleep than talk to you at night, rather work than talk to you online. I really dont even think about you that much anymore. Scott told me he tried to talk to you about you and me when yall went to Mainstrasse and you were too busy giving out beads; you werent paying attention. He told me that, and that should have crushed me. But I jsut shrugged. I don't really care. When your cell phone called me at 2:30 in the morning, and the only person i could hear was this strange girl, that should have made me bristle in jealousy. But it didn't. I just rolled my eyes. I don't care. The only people i talk to about it are Scott and Brad. And I don't tell you most of the stuff I do with Brad. Which i used to love to do, to see if youd care - ha. But then suddenly one day I realized that I didn't care if it bothered you anymore. Even though I knew it wouldnt. I just dont care. I guess I've stopped trying. Sometimes I put forth a little effort, only to realize that it's not working, that you dont care either. I guess what this summer taught me is that no matter how hard I try, I can't make this relationship work on my own. And God knows you don't really try. So I've jsut been learnign to let go of a lot of things. I don't really want to break up, maybe things will get better when I'm up in Cincy, maybe youll actually love me then, maybe youll show me instead of just repeating the same words over and over that dont mean a damn thing because there is nothign to back them up. And if things work out, I guess we'll go from there. But right now, I don't care. And no, I'm not emotionally dead. I feel a lot of things. It's just that none of them relate to you. 021211 ... elimeny 2001-08-21 There are some thing I don’t think I said. He called me at work Saturday night. He’d called in Friday and Saturday, so I hadnt seen him since Red Roof Inn. He said he didn’t want me to think hed been avoiding me. He was at a friends house, working on an 18pack of beer. I asked him what was wrong, because Hal in the phone room was right – he sounded terribly distraught. He told me that Friday morning the wake up call didn’t wake him up. He slept till noon. Then he went back home to his wife, dropped off the van and 500 dollars, took the other car, and told her he was leaving. Then he went to a friends house. He had come over to home depot Friday night to see me, but id left early because I wasn’t feeling well…the same way I always feel after sex. I didn’t tell him that. He asked if I wanted to meet somewhere, but I couldn’t, my brother was in town. I havent heard from him since, but he doesn’t work Sundays or Mondays. So today is Tuesday, and I SHOULD see him tonight. But I prolly wont. Or if I do see him, we prolly wont be able to talk. Hell prolly be too busy and stuff. Im trying not to get my hopes up. I asked him, when he called, if he wanted to talk about it, because something was definietly really bothering him. He said later, his friends were around and they don’t know about me. He and I and Alyssa are the only ones who know. I had to tell Alyssa for an alibi. I asked him if he regretted it and e said no, that really wasn’t the problem, he just didn’t want his wife to know. SO I can’t help but be worried about what’s wrong. Maybe he feels really guilty and wants it to end? Maybe because I’m moving? Or maybe he feels all screwed up because hes not on his medicine? There could be tons of reasons. But… what I realy want to be true… He’s confused because he can’t remember the last time something had made him so happy. And he wants to be with me, he wants to leave his wife, but im leaving, and he has kids… maybe that’s it? I can only wish. But that sort of thing only happens in books and movies. Not in my life. I'm preparing myself for the worst. “and if she ever lets you down, yeah cause shes run out of your money, well then just crawl on back to me: im the one that sets you free and im the one that needs you” you can use my body to do what you have to - just stay a little longer, stay with me... 021211 ... elimeny 001-08-21 I remember him saying: "I want to sweep you off your feet..." Tuesday night, before anything happened. I told him he already had. Doesn't take much. 021211 ... elimeny 2001-08-21 I started thinking about this whole thing a little more... like always. And I know I'm gonna get hurt - badly. And so I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me... I should jsut completely give up on Brad and just be content in Me&Tim. And then I realize that's the problem. That's why I distracted myself with Brad originally. Because it took my mind off of how depressed I was about Tim and I. And now that's even more true. Brad is my shield. When I think about him, it's not always wonderful, carefree thoughts, but it hurts a lot less than when I think about the problems I'm having with TIm... the problems abotu him not loving me anymore, the issues abotu us being pulled apart. Two years down the drain, two very important years of my life, suddenly meaning nothing. Because TIm doesn't care, he doesn't really try. And when I think about Brad, then suddenly Tim can't hurt me anymore. I'm invulnerable to his attacks. He's not my main thought anymore. When Scott told me how TIm was acting, it started to hurt, it started to hurt so very badly. But before it could make me cry, or hurt me anymore, I diverted my thoughts to Brad, and felt much better. Yes, you can stomp all over me, but there's someone else now who doesn't do that. How does THAT feel? Take that. Now for once I'm not the one being hurt all the time. Though I guess he doesnt know that he should hurt, and I'm too chicken to tell him, and too scared of losing him. But this makes me feel much better in many ways. Tim can't hurt me anymore. I know This thing with Brad is gonna hurt me. But I deserve it, and I can see it coming. Tim would hurt me over and over and over again, and then wed talk abotu it, and hed continue to do it. And everytime I would just be more hurt than the last, because everytime i felt like a knew him less and less. But now all that doesnt matter. Because he can't hurt me!! It's the most amazing thing in the world to feel this way! Look at all this stuff that's going on in my life that you dont know about, Tim! All these things that you aren't a part of! Ha! The petty side of me feels so gratified, because the tables have turned. I have a huge secret from him now! I have a "personal" issue. Karen was a "personal" issue to him, now Brad is a "personal" issue for me. None of his business, like how he said Karen wasnt really my business. Maybe in a year and a half I'll tell him about my "personal" business. 021211 ... elimeny 2001-08-21 Oh God, but Brad can hurt me! I guess I wasn't thinking about it as much as I thougth I was... But if he even talks to me tonight, you know what he's gonna do? He's gonna break it off. And then I will forever be haunted by the memory of thursday night... and my parents still wont trust me, and ill be hiding something from tim and everyone, and i will have hurt me and tims relationship more (if its possible) and ill be lonely.... again... And then you know what the worst part is? I'll be left to go back to my life with Tim. And this one week fling will be a thing of the past that i can never mention, but only remember, and my dream cowboy will be off with his wife and kids, and there ill be again. I will feel so used. This is how i am going to feel tomorrow, after he breaks this off. Because of course that's what he wants to talk about. Why did i try to convince myself it was because he wanted to see me? He wanted to break this thing off as soon as possible, because it will only bring us, especially him, misery. If he's even there tonight. If he doesn't call in. If he even talks to me. And then I'll recede back into my former dead depression, with a boyfriend I can't bring myself to leave, because he's not a bad guy. And I will go back under the ocean and survive, but not live, and go back to being hurt over and over by Tim, and him apologizing and me feeling like the guilty one... I'll go back to my life of settling. Where I settle for everything I get, because I figure it's better than nothing. THat's what's gonna happen to me tonight. I see it suddenly on the horizon. I wish there was something I could do to protect myself... But I didn't really realize what was going to happen until only a few minutes ago. How do i prepare myself for this inevitable downfall? Oh God, I am so scared. 021211 ... elimeny 2001-08-22 He's getting a divorce... luckily it has nothing to do with me... but he's getting a divorce, and hes turning 21, and now he has a whole new life opened up for him... as do i. But his will be wonderful, with new opportunities that have nothing to do with promises, very few obligations. Completely new, he has every opportunity open to him now. But I do not. I'm happy for him, that's for sure. He needed to start over - everything he had came from a 17 year old's decisions. But that's over now. And now I have to come through on the decisions I made at 17. How funny. I feel trapped, like I can't do anything about anything anymore. I'm caught, I'm stuck. He was very mentally upset tonight. He had a lot of pent up anger; not from anything in particular, just thats how he is without medicine. He told me he hadnt been able to sleep. I asked him why, and he really didnt want to tell me. But eventually.... "It's just that I'm so completely alone at night. And not because I miss my wife or anything, it's just that im so alone... and i keep debating ending it all..." I said how id miss him, and he says I wont. He says I dont know him... and maybe I dont, not completely... this is all new after all. But I want to... I wish I could make him understand. I wish I could make all his problems go away. And maybe I can't, but if he'd just give me a chance, i could sure as hell try... I could alleviate some of the pain at least. He wouldnt be lonely at night. And can be so understanding. Thats how I was in the beginning with Tim. Until he started taking advantage of it. I just want a chance. I wish I could somehow tell him everything I feel... how I'd love to cradle him every night. How I'd love to wake up next to him, or just be able to look into his blue-grey eyes on a regular basis... Maybe wed get sick of one another after awhile, but it would be pretty nice for a long time. Just kiss me, and everything else fades. Not because its some violent, passionate kiss. Just because it's not. They are so gentle, just like him. I dont care what he says about himself. I... Oh God I am falling so hard. And now I dont feel so bad since hes separated. He's so gentle to me... 021211 ... elimeny 2001-08-26 So the reason I was moving to cincinnati broke up with me this morning. Part of me was wanting this, right? so why am i so crushed? I;m not used to putting the ex in front of boyfriend yet. This is my fault... but i guess in the back of my mind i felt that since he had done it, and i had forgiven him, that he would show me the same mercy. I felt wrong. And that's my problem. Tim doesnt want to talk to me. Brad cant be found anywhere. I lost everything. and i still refuse to say i regret it. Because my actions and decisions are all that i have, and I am not going to apologize for them now, not ever, not when i felt justified. And since apologizing for them doesnt make a difference, then why bother? my choices are all my own. and i at least can understand why i made them, even if no one else can. It just kills me that i lost them both. 021211 ... elimeny 2001-11-16 several months later... Tim and I are back together, obviously. But not without the wounds. I practically live with him now. But I think about my deed every day. About two weeks ago, Lamanno came to town. I wanted TIm to go with me to dinner with Mark. Tim had a concert, so I joked about how if he didnt come, I might leave him for Mark. He jokingly responded "Yeah, but I can trust you with him, right?" We were smiling and laughing, but i said back: "Oh please, he's married! And he has..." Then I stopped. And Tim poked his head out of the bathroom and gave me a look. A look that said, "Yeah? Exactly." It was terrible. I cried alone that night. *************************************** Tonight I reread my online diary. It was very painful. Many tears were shed. And looking back, I see so much that i didn't want to see then. Looking back, I now realize that there was nothing special about Brad. Under any other circumstances, I wouldn't have given him much of a second thought. There was nothing all that wonderful about him, really. In some ways he fulfilled some childhood fantasy, but beyond that, intrinsically there was nothing about him to draw me away from Tim. But the circumstances were not healthy. I didn't see it very well then, but now I do. I never stopped loving Tim at all. I went into defense mode. Love and Hate go together. Odi et amo. I was so completely vulnerable. I remember when Brad's wife came into Home Depot, and my security crashed around me. I remember the panic, the intense fear, the embarrassment. And I know now why I let that happen. I couldn't stand the depth of my torture anymore. Tim just wasn't there. And it hurt so badly, that for once in my life, I couldn't think about it anymore. Never has something hurt so badly. I am that kind of person that gets some sick masochistic pleasure from dwelling on my pain, and the painful events in my life. I love self-pity for some reason. But that is the only time in my memory that I can recall being completely repelled by the pain. Brad was a distraction. I used him, and he used me. I don't give a flying rat's ass about him now. Then, I was so sure I cared. Now I know what it was. In some twisted sense, Brad was a replacement for TIm for a few weeks. He was sweet to me, just like Tim, though he didn't do it quite as well, because Tim has been sincere. But when Brad became an issue, I didn't have to think about Tim and the pain anymore. I wrapped myself in happy, blissful, misleading dreams of Brad, so that I wouldnt hurt anymore. I know this now, because I remember when Scott said he had tried to talk to Tim about me at the Marti Gras thing, and Tim was more interested in beads. I remember distinctly how I felt when he said that. I was falling, it was a slit in my wrist, the pain began to swell up... then i diverted my thoughts to Brad. And then it didnt hurt. That's the sole reason why I did what I did with Brad, as pathetic as it may seem. If things hadnt been so terrible between me and Tim, it wouldn't have happened. I know this for a fact. I have no doubt. I am sure. ************************************** We don't talk about it. But it's still there. Somewhere. I told him whenever he's ready to talk about it, so am I. He said that he was afraid he may get violent. So i didnt push it. I figured he would come of his own accord. But I knew deep down inside he would never talk about. So far, two months later, I've been right in my assumption. We don't talk about it, but it tortures me every day. I cry a little each day. And apologizing for my actions, and regretting them doesn't make them go away. Part of me wants to stand by the decisions I made, because they were mine, some of the first very serious ones I've ever made. But now I know, that wasn't me. I was hiding. Beneath the pain that had piled so high that I couldn't handle it anymore, I hid myself. I crawled into the fetal position, and drowned in the hurt. It was so intense. The soul that hid deep within couldn't be held accountable for the actions of my defenses. Though I know that in reality, I am responsible for them. But at least now i know where it came from. As soon as things were going well between me and Tim again, Brad was a hated figure of my past. Moving apparently does strange things to me. When I moved to Dallas, it was Clint. But that was a very different situation. That one wasn't drenched so deeply in my own personal decisions and actions that I must take responsibility for. Things are much better. But there are still scars. There always will be. But I can't change that now. But it will NEVER happen again. I will NEVER forget. But I still have nightmares. They are the only things that have stay stay stayed with me. 021211 ... elimeny So why have i laid myself out here like this? All these entries, from so long ago, they were in my online journal. Password protected. The biggest secret of my life. Sure, I had told people that I was someone's mistress.... but no one knows what went through my head other than me. And i did a terrible thing. And i know that. and i spent a long time being ashamed. So i locked it all up and didnt want anyone to know what this soul was capable of. But I can see it so clearly now. And I refuse to regret my actions, my decisions. They were mine, and mine alone. No one else has ever lived my life, no one else will ever know what I felt like, what i was going through, what it was like to be me at that time. And i don't care if you think im a whore. I dont care if you think im evil for what i did. you cant say anything i havent thought about myself a million times. i destroyed the sanctity of a marriage. But it wasn't just my decision. it was his as well. I release myself from the guilt of what i might have done to his marriage. I release myself from the guilt of the only time i have ever cheated on a boyfriend. I release myself from it all... it's something that happened in the past, somehting i did, something that says so much about who i am today. So many people can say they have had their "summer flings". And I just look at them, and say nothing. This event will last forever, because I will never forget it. I guess i wanted more drama, i guess i wanted to understand anna karenina. I guess i wanted a way out. I can guess all i want, but i remember how i felt. I remember the torture. So i will stand by my decisions until the day. i. die. "that which for nearly a year has been Vronsky's sole and exclusive desire, supplanting all his former desires: that which for Anna had been an impossible, dreadful, but all the more bewitching dream of happiness, had come to pass. Pale, with trembling lower jaw, he stood over her, entreating her to be calm, himself not knowing why or how. 'Anna, Anna,' he said in trembling voice, 'Anna, for God's sake!' But the louder he spoke the lower she dropped her once proud, bright, but now dishonoured head, and she writhed, slipping down from the sofa on which she sat to the floor at his feet. She would have fallen on the carpet if he had not held her. 'My God! Forgive me!' she said, sobbing and pressing Vronsky's hand to her breast. She felt so guilty, so much to blame, that it only remained for her to humble herself and ask to be forgiven; but she had no one in the world now except him, so that even her prayer for forgiveness was addressed to him. She held his hand and did not move. Yes! These kisses were what had been brought by their shame! 'Yes, and this hand, which will always be mine, is the hand of my accomplice.' She lifted his hand and kissed it." "But in her dreams, when she had no control over her thoughts, her position appeared to her in all its shocking nakedness. One dream she had almost every night. She dreamt that both at once were her husbands, and lavished their caresses on her. Alexis wept, kissing her hands, saying: 'How beautiful it is now!" and Vronsky was there too, and he also was her husband. And she was surprised that formerly this had seemed impossible to her, and laughingly explained to them both how much simpler it really was, and that they were both now contented and happy. But this dream weighed on her like a nightmare, and she woke from it filled with horror." "and where love ceases, there hate begins." 021211 ... unhinged . 141110 ... shpaaaaaaaaaaaa shpaaaaaaaaaaaa 141205 what's it to you? who go blather from