book_of_eris misstree okay, this was written as an email to explain discordianism in a nutshell, and in the end it touches on the illumatus_trilogy by robert_anton_wilson... anyone who disagrees with part of this rant can either kindly f*ck off or explain why--i'd rather ye explain. apologies for typos. deal. Heh... i've had to explain this a number of times, but it's still kinda difficult, and i tend to devolve into more and more metaphorical rambling after a bit... i'm slepy, though, so we'll see... basically, it's a religion that was founded in a bowling alley in the early 70's. it is characterized by irreverence, pranksterism, chaos, dischord, and general weirdness. if you see someone wearing bunny ears in a bar, they're likely to be a discordian. there's one main goddess involved, Eris, who was obscure and greek... the most well-known story about her involves her rolling a golden apple with "kallisti" (for the prettiest one) into a divine tea party and starting the trojan war. i can expound on that later if you want. basically, she represents the forces of discord, while her sister, Aneris, represents the forces of order. Now, even us silly discordians know you've got to have a balance of order and disorder in the world; the problem with the world, though, is it's got too much of one and not enough bunny ears. those who lack the playfulness and mental flexibility to have eristic energy are called greyfaces, and they are all around. discordians aim to wake up the greyfaces and keep the world from being such a damn bad trip. To do this, we commonly agree on a term called Operation Mindfuck. Wearing bunny ears to a bar breaks expectations, snaps people out of their daily mental rut a little and spreads the disorder a little. Another example of spreading eristic vibes is yelling out an open car window every time cafe kopi is passed "I'm not wearing any pants!" Many people will ignore such things, preferring to not have to look the weird in the eye. That's fine, they can stay on the other side of the room. But others laugh, get curious, get playful, and then wake up a little. Eristic vibes are propogated. There's a lot that i'm not going into, like the willing suspension of disbelief, why discordians eat hot dogs without buns every friday, and who is john galt (oops, that's rand... other end of the charts ;) , but that's about the framework of it. Okay, so the illuminatus trilogy. Robert Anton Wilson wrote in, i think the late 70's, a book about the worldwide conspiracy to control all the money, power, and people, run by the illuminati, variously tied to the masonic order and just about every conspiracy you can think of, from jfk to the pyramids. countering the illuminati are a group of discordians, including the exceedingly wealthy and devilishly eccentric hagbard celine, a dolphin, an embodiment of eris (we are all embodiments of eris), and a convicted murderer. the book is bizarre and the plot twists brain cramping (both in mostly good ways), but what really makes it worth it and makes it a cult classic is that its main purpose is as a vehicle for a mode of thought, mostly a blend of discordianism with some of the early threads of chaos magic. these two being what they are, only a truly twisted tale could carry their weight. wilson had previously been a close acquaintance with Dr Leary, and shares some of the consciousness/reality expansion ideas with him, as well as a very keen and logical mind... but that mostly comes out in his books on chaos magic, and right now my hands are cramping so i save that for another time. whew. 030821 ... oldephebe so many streams.. 030821 ... misstree lots of nuts in a shell of this size. *grin* 030821 ... misstree found it! aha! http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Pantheon/5294/ excpect more parables soon, possibly not as discordian as you or i might like, but dammit, this one's mine and i'll damn well do what i like with it. :P 030823 ... misstree go look at temple_of_string while i do some venting and sewing. it was entertaining, especially if you step back and take it as valid foma. 030825 ... misstree oops, that should be the_temple_of_string. 030825 ... misstree okay, next part will be mostly excerpts from http://jubal.westnet.com/hyperdiscordia /neopagan_discordia.html (again, remove the space, i hate messed up spacing...). it's a wonderfully hyperlinked site (the map is at /hyperdiscordia_map.html suffix replacing the other). The actual author is Ian Bear, and it originally appeared in "The Green Egg" "Neopagan Discordianism as we know it was started in a bowling alley around 1958 by two white guys having a mystical vision. They went on to publish Principia Discordia, which became an underground cult favorite and remains in print today. Its central point is that chaos can be creative as well as destructive, and that chaos and humor are necessary to combat the destructive order rampant in the world today. "Being European guys, they saw Eris from the Greek tradition, famous for Her golden apples of discord. However, the honoring of chaos as a universal force has roots going back through the mists of time and through many cultures around the Earth. The use of humor and the presence of trickster deities to enlighten dull souls, and keep religions from becoming too pompous and stuffy has been a multicultural phenomenon throughout the ages. Modern Discordianism has lost little time adopting and honoring these diverse forms of sacred chaos." ... "Divine irreverence is an important part of the Discordian tradition, and has been an important part of CAW. Irreverence allows all ideas to be called into question, and prevents them from hardening into rigid dogmas. Any religion is capable of falling into institutional rigidity and dogmatism, even the Taoists, and if we're not careful, the Discordians. However, sometimes it is better to let the dogma harden a little before dealing with it. It's easier to scoop up that way. "The trickster is able to bring up in a humorous way issues that may still be too controversial to begin serious debates over. Willingness to parody ourselves protects us from becoming truly ridiculous, and renders parodies of us by our enemies utterly useless. If the New Agers were more willing to parody themselves, their culture might have filtered out some of its more absurd notions, and spared itself much vicious lampooning from without. It is the job of the Discordian to disrupt unhealthy patterns, including one's own. It should be noted that making pointless wisecracks just as the energy is peaking in a ritual is not a positive use of irreverence. "On a larger scale the chaos magician is able to work vast changes unattainable through ordinary, orderly means. Where chaotic systems exist, it is now well known that in the right place, a small flutter can transform the entire system. This is known in chaos science as the butterfly effect. In these fast changing times, at this crossroads of history, in this time of crisis and opportunity, our entire society is a chaotic system. By observing society keenly, and choosing the appropriate moment for the golden apple to be launched, the chaos magician can work great changes in society through the social butterfly effect." ... keen observations. now on to some suggestions for calling the elements, if you're into that kind of thing. "The five Discordian elements mentioned in Principia Discordia are Sweet, Orange, Pungent, Prickle, and Boom." sweet orange pungent prickle boom 030921 ... oldephebe anti-confluential interesting a riot against rigidity there are definately some worth while stratagems to be sculpted out of this always in flux mode of mind..the late and even mid and early fifties were not as placid and plastic as the celluloid reams would have us believe..thankgod for the Beats and other anti-confluential movements that help shape the fire-seed of the tumultuous 60's keep sharing mtree ... 030921 ... misstree marmaduke_the_early_years vote_marmaduke the_death_of_marmaduke seems appropriate. 030925 ... misstree fnord 030925 ... phil sorry I though this said blood_of_enis 030926 ... misstree laws_of_corn law_of_fives 030928 ... misstree so, this will only matter for 8 days or so, but i think it's proof that discordians are, at times, capable of minor amounts of organization... and if you're reading this page, then you've already been poked with an apple stem... but check out http://discordians.meetup.com/ if you're interested in group poking... 030928 ... oldEphebe i'd like an apple slathered in caramel..bring on the diabetes..at least it bouyed my aching spirit momentarily..caramel apples ... 030929 ... misstree an excellent, simple cleansing ritual at broadcast_relaxation. so it doesn't taste like discord, precisely. tough. this is a compendium of stuff i think eris and her puppies (myself included) would like and benefit from. 031001 ... misstree In the Cards Yahweh peered at Eris over His cards. "Why do You suppose," He asked meaningfully, "that I always seem to attract so many ladies? See and raise five." "The same reason so many men are drawn to Me," She replied absently. "No one wants to think that their sex is responsible for reality. See Your five and call." "It has been said that there are many rooms in My mansion," Yahweh boomed confidently, "But Lo! My house is full. Queens over Jacks, m'Dear." "Four fives..." Eris began, then paused. "Oh, no," She corrected Herself. "Oh, that's much better." Eris hurriedly switched Her cards around, a smile spreading across Her face. "What is the difference," She asked excitedly, "between two Fools and a King?" "Er," Yahweh responded, a bit flustered, "A crown?" "Not quite, but that's the guess I would expect from You," Eris replied, laying down Her hand, "As you can see, there is no difference. Kings over fives, by the way. A winning hand and a new twist on an old puzzle. Oh, I am hot tonight. You've gotten around to the whole night/day thing, right? Oh, You must have or You wouldn't be resting, I suppose." Yahweh looked down at Her hand, astonished and even more confused. "But there weren't any Jokers in the deck!" He managed. "Oh, Hon," Eris said, smiling a bit sadly as She gathered Her winnings from the center of the table, "There are always Jokers in the deck." from http://jubal.westnet.com/hyperdiscordia/ in_the_cards.html see also: ineffable 031003 ... Lemon_Soda Order is Chaos calcified. All things spring from chaos. Order cements them so unique experiences may be experienced again or by different people than the first. The concepts of Good and Evil have no place in Chaos, but to Order, they are invaluable. Where as Order tells you yes or no, Chaos teases you with maybe. 031003 ... quotree it is an ill wind that blows no minds. 031003 ... oldEphebe i am so loving these exchanges 031003 ... misstree golden_apple 031003 ... once again "Order is merely the prevailing form of Chaos." 031003 ... misstree just a friendly poke, additions, rants, insights, links, etc. are welcomed here if you think it would contribute to what i'm trying to create... each discordian has a different flavor, and some of the best insights come from brains very foreign to the official dogma, but very often with quite active pineal_gland s. 031003 ... misstree blames her wrist for verbal ineptitude in other words, more stuff like what people have been saying above. :P 031003 ... red hot poker hey! tree! get off your butt and write about hostess_of_the_apocalypse, operation_mindfuck, pineal_gland s, and, um... spiritual_mutts, and... oh, stop whining! you've got the whole weekend. 031003 ... misstree yeah. about that. i'm right on top of that, rose. tomorrow, maybe. or sunday. maybe. 031003 ... misstree consensual_reality 031006 ... book of eris greyface 031009 ... Death of a Rose This will be my weekend project. To read every last post on this page and form a consensus about it. That said, I'm going to shut up now, but I will be back. and please no shwartzenegger comebacks. 031009 ... stork daddy so uh...does that mean that tom green is like some god to you people? 031009 ... lc Trying to make a blanket statement on any subject involving the followers of Eris is a wasted effort. Having said that, I don't know any discordian that thinks Mr. Green is anything more than juvenile pabulum, enjoyed mostly by those stuck in a field of gray looking for a taste of the yummy chaos that’s just outside of their reach. 031010 ... stork daddy sounding pretty systematically chaotic. now andy's okay though right? i mean andy's a god right? 031010 ... misstree test_face 031014 ... misstree i see nothing systematic about it, except that those who realize that they are discordians often have similar tastes in one thing or another, and lc specified those that he'd met. who knows, maybe he's only met five, and those five were all the same person in a different disguise, and that person really really hated tom green? (ok, i admit, it wasn't me.) i would say that there's probably a similar proportions of discordians who hate rush limbaugh as well, but he really can be good for a laugh. and one of the first things that you'll notice about discordians, is that if they find themselves agreeing on things, one or more are very likely to change their opinoin so as to offer more variety. this has been known to turn arguments into summonings of Saint Bugs of Bunny as each flip flops until they're both hopelessly lost, but it's all good. oh, by the way, ??? wanted me to link to adultery. 031015 ... misstree i should note, i have met discordians who were true fans of rush, not the kind who listen to point and laugh. *shrug* 031015 ... gwyllynne Fleertup the Happy Pig An encounter with Eris Fleertup the Happy Pig was walking home from the market. "I have rasins, and carrots, and green beans, and black beans! I also have cleaning supplies, like ScotchBrite Pads, to make my pans shiny! Oh, I am a happy pig! I have ammonia, and benzene, and sulfuric acid, and plutonium and a NEW BOX of Crayons!" He was truly a happy pig. So happy was he, that he decided that right after dinner, he would clean the WHOLE kitchen, and make everything neat and orderly. "Order is good!", Fleertup thought happily. "With order I can find things, and nothing is sticky in the morning!" Yes, Fleertup thought order was good, and he kept thinking it all the way home. This allowed him to make an instant evaluation of his home when he got there. His happy little orderly home had been ransacked by a mob searching for Elvis, and everything was very disorderly. "BAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDD!" Wailed Fleertup. "OHMYOHMYOHMYOHMY!" cried Fleertup. "What ever shall I do?" blubbered Fleertup. Just than a Beautiful woman appeared in front of Fleertup. She had most Beautiful eyes, a brilliant smile, and held an apple in her hand. "Who are You???" Sobbed Fleertup, still thinking, "Ordergoodwreckedhousebad". "Oh, just a passerby. I saw what the mob did to your home, and I am here to tell you, don't bother cleaning it up. Build a new house, over there a bit, and make it out of something stronger. Try wood." "But my things, my pots and pans..." Fleertup complained. "I'll help you get them over to your new place." The Beautiful woman said, and with that she threw the apple into the wrecked home. It bounced around wrecking more things, but kicking Fleertup's cookery and other kitchen goodies into a pile at his feet. "MY! That's amazing!" Fleertup shook his head in wonder. The Beautiful woman smiled at Fleertup. "Tell me something I don't already know. I must go now, I have a party to attend." Fleertup waved happily at her as she faded from view, then went into the forest and gather wood, which he stacked and daubed mud on to make a fine home. It was late when he finished, so he built a fire and cooked his vegetables, and ate them, and then shined all his pots, and went to bed. The next day, Fleertup went to the store again. Coming home he chattered excitedly about his new possesions, to no one in particular. "I have some paper for my crayons, and some cleaning brushes, and some comix about a small grey aardvark! I am so happy! I like my new home! I wonder when that woman will appear again? When I get home I shall make my lunch, and then tidy up, because tidiness is neat!" He continued to think "Neat tidiness, tidy neatness, neat neatness, tidy tidiness..." When he got home, though, his state of mind was again phase reversed. Another mob had run over his home, on their way to the Elvis concert. "DOUBLE-PLUS-NOT-NEAT!!!!" Screeched Fleertup the recently not so happy. "OHMYOHMYOHMY!" sobbed Fleertup. Two homes in two days. What would he ever do? Just then, the Beautiful woman appeared again, in a spiffy tennis outfit. She was bouncing her apple on the racket. "Hello, again. I was passing by again, when I saw the wreck. Why don't you build a new house, over the other way a bit. Make it out of bricks and mortar. I'm off to the courts." "Oh! O.K." Fleertup waved again as she faded, and then got to work. First he made some brick forms, and a huge fire to kiln the bricks in. When he had made enough of them, he dug into the earth until he found the calcium carbonate that he needed, along with more clay and sand. Kilning the calcium carbonate to make lime, he mixed them together to make cement. Then he built his new home, carefully lining up the bricks to make neat rows, staggering each subsequent row, because it looked nice. He finshed with the chimney. He moved all of his things into the new house, made a meal, played with his crayons and paper, and read about the aardvark until he got sleepy, then went to bed. The next day, Fleertup the happy Pig awoke from his nap to a thumping sound outside his nice new home. He looked out the double-paned insulated glass windows that he had made early that morning, to see thousands of drunken men in white suits with large collars, stumbling around, and occassionally running into the house. They bounced off. "Oh, goody, no-one is wrecking my home and making it disorderly!" Just then, there was a glow in his peripheral vision, and Fleertup turned to see that The Beautful woman had come back. "Oh, hello, Beautiful Woman! No one has wrecked my nice new home, everything is nice and orderly!" "No, no it's not." She smiled. She ran her finger across one of the table, picking up a few grains of dust. She showed it to Fleertup. "Even when you clean and clean and clean, the dust will come back. Even when you clean up some dust, when you shake out the rags outside, the dust goes into the air and some goes onto your clothes, to be carried back inside. Even when you shine you pots, the dirt mixes with the water and cleanser to make something even more chaotic than before. Every act of putting things in order leaves a little trail of disorder behind it." Her Eyes shined. "And it's all because of me!" Fleertup, being the order seeking pig he was, couldn't take this anymore. His little mind snapped, and he ran to the kitchen to shine the pots. He shined and shined, until eventually, he wore the pots away to nothing. Then he started washing his hands... --Irreverend Hacksaw, The Scotchbrite Masons 031017 ... gwyllynne Footprints in the Sand ...the Discordian version I dreamed that I was walking down the beach with the Goddess. And I looked back and saw footprints in the sand. But sometimes there were two pairs of footprints and sometimes there was only one. And the times there was only one set of footprints, those were my times of greatest trouble. So I asked the Goddess, "Why in my greatest need did you abandon me?" She replied, "I never left you. Those were the times we both hopped on one foot." And I was really embarassed for bothering Her with such a stupid question. This story gracefully donated by The Kaos Project , Z(Node) SS 333 - 031017 ... gwyllynne The Psalter According to Murphy Murphy is my shepherd; I shall not keep a straight face. He maketh me to slip on a meadow muffin and fall on my butt in green pastures. He muddieth the waters and leadeth me into them, way over my head. He restoreth my sense of perspective the hard way. Yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Greyface, I will fear no pratfall, for Thou art with me. Thy rod and Thy laugh shall get me on my feet again. Thou hittest me in the face with lemon meringue in the presence of mine enemies. Thou anointest my head with gravy. My cup runneth over, all over my lap. Surely Eris and Murphy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the midst of this nonsense forever. another bit by way of ---London Z(Node) SS 333--- 031017 ... gwyllynne a certain link of interest: http://www.verthaine.sphosting.com/mm.html heh, go forth and learn some stuff......heh.....or stand on your head.....heh......it is all the same! 031017 ... misstree yay! that would be the gen-u-ine article that the exquisite and inimitable gwylllynne posted, and one of me flavorite chapters therein... if you remove the mm suffix, there, my pretties, is the book of eris, by the glorious reverend verthaine, the poophead who originally not only charged me with writing the third book of eris, but also was the one who nagged and nagged and nagged until i finally admitted i was a damn dirty discordian. look upon his works, and tremble! or just giggle a lot. either way, really. 031018 ... misstree faith_in_eres consensual_reality manifestation virii_or_edifice do *not* see people_i_want_to_wrestle or abortion. the first because i'm an idiot, the second because it's damn depressing. 031023 ... misstree stoic 031109 ... Perrier iNfInItY_jEwEl 031217 ... stork daddy if you're really a dischordian...inject yourself with west nile virus. that should jar your loved ones from their complacency. 031217 ... misstree you don't fix things by hitting them with hammers. that's called liberating them for reunification. destruction of the meat is counterproductive, and such a thing would teach very little to the loved ones, especially when compared to what i can do with meat intact. besides, there are two forms of loved ones; blood family, who are a bit hard to work on from my position, and water_brothers, who get and deal enough konks on the spiritual noggin that we look like a damn three stooges skit anyway. interesting suggestion, though, and it will be appropriately filed. 031217 ... stork daddy destruction of the meat is counterproductive? what if i don't destroy the meat, but i beat the meat..is that okay? didn't eris kickoff the trojan war? 031217 ... perrier yAy, ShE dId. iT wAs HiLaRiOuS. 040106 ... . mooji_moo aleatoric_concinnity 040126 ... misstree "And I shall strike Down upon Thee with Great Weirdness and Furryous Angora, those that attempt to Reason and Order my Brothers. And you shall know that My name is Discordia, when I lay my Apple upon Thee!" If Quentin Tarantino had read the Principia... Erisiël, 13:25 (devia.23ae.com) 040213 ... .fallen http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Studios/9342/ poke around in there a bit....perhaps you will be floored as well by one particular nugget that sent me reeling.....poke around alot, play with the links.....yesssss.....go....go now 040213 ... .fallen mwuhahahaha I bring you more http://www.memecentral.com/ http://www.fnord.org/ i need more coffee 040214 ... emperor_norton http://www.notfrisco.com/nortoniana/ 040804 ... pSyche this calender thing of theirs is really amazingly confusing... someone care to better explain it to me? 041223 ... mt may the unknowing speak his name and become confused. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi? f=/c/a/2004/12/15/SFSUPES.TMP (take out the space, i hate messy margins) 041223 ... misstree it explains you will remain confused accept the confusion and observe the happiness that results. http://jubal.westnet.com/hyperdiscordia/ discordian_calendar.html remove the space for the entry re calendar leave off the second line to visit a wonderful fluttering implexploding dataflower 041223 ... misstree question: why is eris's discount jamboree on subeta priced with every item 523? winning answer, submitted by squeak: 523 is actually not the price those items were meant to be priced at. You see, long ago existed The Trout. The Trout were a proud race, and often liked to play mind games with one another. One day a Trout though it might be fun to play the game 'telephone'. Well, this young Trout thought of a great saying to start with, and that saying was the complete works of Shakespear. Through the years the Trout continued to play their game of telephone until one faitful day the Trout who was supposed to pass his message was *gasp* caught and eaten. Right before he perished, however, he felt it necessary to pass his message on, and that message was 521. Now, 521 doesn't sound nearly as nice as 522, so, the number was changed and used as the price in a lovely shop which was passed down from generation to generation and due to inflation the price has since changed to 523. THE END. actual answer: because 2 + 3 = 5. 050531 ... book of eris THE PLAYGROUND A Parable About Life and Death ...I awoke to find myself walking hand-in-hand with the Mother-of-Us-All toward a beautiful Playground,a playground that seemed to stretch to infinity.She brought me to the gate,gave me a big hug and a kiss,and said unto me,"This is your playground,do as thou wilt,and have a good time."I nervously walked through the gates,and was amazed at all the sights and sounds.There were monkey bars,slides,toys,sprinklers,and all types of fun goodies,as far as the eyes can see.There were also many,many children of all different shapes and sizes playing through out the Playground. I explored my surroundings for a while,and made a few friends.All around me children were playing and doing many things(as children are want to to). Some children played by themselves,and some played with many kids.Some only had one or two playmates,and some had none.There were even a few who didn't want to play at all,and said that playing was bad.Sometime some of the kids would steal the toys from the other kids,and others would hog all the toys around them.Some even shared their toys with others. All around me,children were running and jumping,laughing and singing, loving and fighting.Some kids would stay in the playground for a while, and some had to leave as soon as they got there.Sometimes fights would break out amongst the children,often for silly reasons.Some children had too many toys to play with,and some had none.Some of the kids would section off a part of a playground, and wouldn't let any one else play there.Bullies would roam the park picking on the weaker kids.Many games were play in the playgound.Some of the games were:cops and robbers,war,hospital,convert the heathens,feed the poor,get a good job,etc. I noticed a bunch of kids in the middle of a heated discussion, so I decided to see what was going on.I discovered that the children were discussing the nature of the playground.Some children said that this is the only playground there is,while others said there are an infinite amount of playgrounds.Some argued that this section of the playgrond was the only section to have children playing,and others say that there are many sections with many children in it.Some say that when you leave the playground you never come back,and some say that you come back over and over again. I didn't get involve in that discussion,because I knew better. In another discussion pool,the kids were talking about the Mother-of-Us-All. Some said she didn't exist,some said she did.A few of the kids believed that there was no Mother-of-Us-All,only the Father existed.Some believed that there were many Mothers and Fathers.And some of us believed that She is All-in-One,and One-in-All.There were kids who said that if you do not play the way they said that Mother/Father wants you to play,you will go to a very,very BAD place when you leave the playground. I found a few who truly loved the Mother,and said to them,"hey guys,lets just play". Every once in a while Mother would call out the name of a child and tell them it was time to go home.Some children would scream and cry and throw temper tantrums,but to no avail.When Mom said it was time to go,it was time to go.I decided to really enjoy my stay in the playground.I played with many kids,had many adventures,had run-ins with bullies,scraped my knees a few times,and generally had the time of my life.After a while,I grew very tired and sleepy,and I knew it was soon time for Mother to call my name.I put my toys away,and called all my playmates together for one last game of tag.When the game ended,I head Mother call my name.I bid my playmates farewell,and told them not to cry,we will all play together again someday.I ran out off the park and into Mothers waiting arms.I placed my head on her bosom and said ."Thank you Mom,I had a great time in the Playground".She just smiled at me gave me a kiss on the forehead,and I fell asleep in her arms. I awoke to find myself walking hand-in-hand with the Mother-of-Us-All toward a beautiful Playground,a playground that seemed to stretch to infinity.... 050719 ... boe ...You Might Be A Discordian (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy) * If you've ever cast a sacred oblong, you might be a Discordian. * If you've ever drank Irish whiskey and listened to The Doors as part of a religious experience, you might be a Discordian. * If you've ever cast the Circle with a fishing rod, you might be a Discordian. * If you've ever invoked the quarters Washington, Bicentennial, Canadian and Silver, you might be a Discordian. * If your chalice is from McDonalds(tm), you might be a Discordian. * If you've ever set up 3 card monty on the side of your tarot booth, you might be a Discordian. * If your idea of a hex is screaming "Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!", you might be a Discordian. * If you've ever done the "Great Left", you might be a Discordian. * If your athame is a spork, you might be a Discordian. * If your coven sword is a light saber, you might be a Discordian. * If you've ever invoked a cartoon character, you might be a Discordian. * If you've ever wiped your ass with "Principia Discordia", you might be a Discordian. * If you carry a Pope Card, but not an I.D., you might be a Discordian. * If your ritual feast consists of Jolt Cola and Spam, you might be a Discordian. * If halfway through the five-fold-kiss you stop to zerbert your HPS, you might be a Discordian. * If your BOS is written on toilet paper, you might be a Discordian. * If you've ever begun a rite with "The Circle is open", you might be a Discordian. * If you drive a F(N)ORD, you might be a Discordian. * If you have more than 1 can of spam in your cupboard, you might be a Discordian. * If you've ever invoked the Goddess with a wolf-whistle, you might be a Discordian. * If you're afraid that the paranoids are watching you, you might be a Discordian. * If you've ever taken the question "What's up?" literally, you might be a Discordian. * If you're reading THE BOOK OF ERIS, you might be a Discordian. (Then again you could just be a little bit weird) 050719 ... quotree and just about one of my flavorite stories.... The Myth of The Nipples A Tale Of Creation Long ago, the Earth was barren of life. Eris and Aneris looked upon it and saw that it was boring. "Yawn," Eris yawned. "Aneris, My sister, the Earth is truly uninteresting. Let's liven it up somehow." Eris, the Goddess of Chaos, was always eager to disturb stable systems. "I like it this way, Eris." Aneris, the Goddess of non-Chaos, was much more conservative. "Boring things are more orderly." "Aww, pleeeeease?" Eris was not above whining. There was some arguing back and forth, and eventually They came to an agreement that They would bring forth life to alleviate the boredom. So Eris and Aneris descended upon the Earth. "Let there be life!" said Aneris, and there was life. Plant life. Ferns. Trees. Mushrooms. Lichen. Aneris looked about and said, "See! It's much more colorful now." Eris sighed. "You call this life? It's almost as boring as before! These things just grow and die and wave in the wind. Here, let Me try." And Eris lifted up the clay from the ground and formed it into the shape of an ant. She blew upon it and it scurried off to build a hill. "Animals? Sure, We can make some of those." And Eris and Aneris began to create animals. First They created the simpler animals, like the insects and worms and such. Then They went on to the reptiles and birds and such. Finally, They started on the mammals. By this time, They had a pretty good system going. Aneris would create the female animal, then Eris would come along and create the male. When Aneris made the first female mammals with fur and nipples, Eris saw a chance to have some fun. As She made the furry male mammals, She gave them their own, useless, nipples. Aneris looked over at Her sister every once in a while, but since the fur hid the nipples She didn't see anything but Eris's wide smile. Aneris, naturally, got suspicious... She knew from experience that Eris could not be trusted when She was smiling. (Or at any other time, for that matter.) Shrugging, Aneris started creating the first woman. She made her after Her own image, with heavy hair on her head but not as much elsewhere. And She gave women nipples, which were quite visible from the lack of hair. Eris followed along, creating the first man. She gave him hair on his head, and not as much elsewhere. And She gave him the same useless nipples all the other male mammals had. Aneris looked over and saw what had happened. "Wha-at?!", Aneris screamed. "Have You been giving all the male mammals nipples all this time?" Eris just doubled over, laughing. "Damn it, Eris, whenever We make anything You always do something weird like this! Can't You take anything seriously?" Aneris sighed as Eris shook Her head no. "Well, I can at least cover this up a little," Aneris muttered, and She put hair around men's nipples. "There, now you can't see them so much." And Aneris rested, while Eris continued to roll on the floor. So to this day men have nipples, which are merely emphasized by the hair around them. Hail, She what done it all! 050719 ... u24 is giggling 050720 ... anne-girl aaa i just ran across a discordianism website all of three minutes ago synchronicity 050720 ... . ODE TO CAFFEINE - ©2005 Robert Andrade The Holy Coffee Urn is my shepherd; I shall not want. It maketh me the Elixir of Life: It leadeth me from the stumbling of the sleep-deprived. It restoreth my cognitive functions: It leadeth me in the paths of the Caffeinated for It's name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of the stupid, I will fear no contamination: for It art with me: It's stimulation and It's effects they imbue me. It preparest a mug before me in the presence of the uninitiated: It anointest my facilities with Ambrosia: My coffee mug runneth over. Surely Kenya and Colombian will follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Caffeine Enhanced forever. 051125 ... u24 the nipple story cracks me up every time. 060325 ... . happy 5.23 060523 ... boe Five Blind Men and an Elephant* being by Reverend Loveshade, Episkopos of the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild who ripped it off from the Hindus From the non-existant Apocrypha Discordia, unauthorized companion to the Principia Discordia (We realize that, in the era of the very late 20th Century as this is being written, the title and content of this story are politically incorrect. We apologize for any discomfort, but ask you to remember that the original story was created long before political correctness, and is not intended in any way to be offensive to elephants.) One day five blind men, who knew nothing of elephants, went to examine one to find out what it was. Reaching out randomly, each touched it in a different spot. One man touched the side, one an ear, one a leg, one a tusk, and one the trunk. Each satisfied that he now knew the true nature of the beast, they all sat down to discuss it. "We now know that the elephant is like a wall," said the one who touched the side. "The evidence is conclusive." "I believe you are mistaken, sir," said the one who touched an ear. "The elephant is more like a large fan." "You are both wrong," said the leg man. "The creature is obviously like a tree." "A tree?" questioned the tusk toucher. "How can you mistake a spear for a tree?" "What" said the trunk feeler. "A spear is long and round, but anyone knows it doesn't move. Couldn't you feel the muscles? It's definitely a type of snake! A blind man could see that" said the fifth blind man. The argument grew more heated, and finally escalated into a battle, for each of the five had followers. This became known as the Battle of the Five Armies (not to be mistaken for the one described by that Tolkien fellow). However, before they could totally destroy themselves, a blind, self- declared Discordian oracle came along to see what all the fuss was about. While they were beating the crap out of each other, she examined the elephant. But instead of stopping after one feel, she touched the whole thing, including the tail, which felt like a rope. "It's just a big animal with big sides, ears, feet, tusk teeth, nose and a skinny tail," she thought. "What a bunch of fools these guys are." She then said "Stop! I have discovered the truth. I know who is right." She being an oracle and all, they stopped and listened and said "tell us!" "I have examined the elephant with mine own two hands," she said, "and I find that you are all right." "How can this be" they asked. "Can an elephant be a wall and a fan and a tree and a spear and a snake?" And they were sorely confused. She explained "the elephant is a great Tree, and on this tree grow leaves like great Fans to give most wondrous shade and fan the breeze. And the branches of this tree are like Spears to protect it. For this is the Tree of Creation and of Eternal Life, and the Great Serpent hangs still upon it. "Unfortunately, it is hidden behind a great Wall, which is why it was not discovered until this very day. It cannot be reached by normal means. "However I, in my wisdom, have discovered a Most Holy Rope, by which the wall may be climbed. And if one touches the tree in the proper manner which I alone know, you will gain Eternal Life." They all became highly interested in this, of course. She then named an extremely high price for her services (Eternal Life doesn't come cheap), and made quite a bundle. Moral: Anyone can lead blind men to an elephant, but a Discordian can charge admission 061120 ... hsg mustbefunny seriouslyou've_no_choice_laugh headbunting_guns is just_one_of_the_many things i do for fun. 090511 what's it to you? who go blather from