girl_jane Hello,

I'm glad you remember who I am. It has been a long time since we've been in contact. I've had a lot happen-I'm sure you have too.

I graduate from high school in May. I'm not really scared like a lot of people expect me to be. I'm quite ready. Next fall I'll be attending Stephens College in Columbia, Missouri. It's a small, private, women's college of about 800 students. I'll be majoring in theatre and English. If I can't make a living on being an actress, I'll make one as a librarian.

A lot of people think it's a strange combination. Even I think I'm pretty tame and simple. Honestly, I'd rather be a housewife and mother than anything. I am a thinker that believes women should do as they please, even if it includes wanting to fulfil "traditional sex-roles."

I hope you don't think because I've chosen a rather conservative school or because of my career ideas, that I've become shrivled, crusty, stuffy, and republican.

I laugh at the fact Bush was a cheerleader, not an honor student. I apologize deeply if you voted for him... Not sorry because I have insulted you, but because he's now the leader my country... I wonder, had the "No Child Left Behind" program been used while he was in school, would he have graduated on time...? I think it is just plain dumb that *HE* is the one calling the shots in education reform. Texas has one of the worst educational reputations in the country. Why are we letting the former governor of the state bring down the rest of the county...Enough about politics-they just make me stew. If human nature allowed peace, I'd be all for anarchy. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a Utopian society.

I'm not really sure what I should be typing. I've been recording chunks and fragments of my life on blather ( http://blather.newdream.net - where I write under the name girl_jane) and, recently, an online diary (http://teenopendiary.com where I also write as girl_jane). Less personal than a *hand-written* journal, yes, but I seem to type faster than I write, and I can't let my fingers get too far behind my thoughts or things are forgotten...

I'm not sure if I moved before or after we lost contact, but for the past few years, I've been living on a farm with my family-my mother, step-dad, and wretched step-brother. I have trouble putting the word "brother" to a boy who steals from me. I can't even walk down the hall to use the bathroom without locking my bedroom door.

Other than that beast, my life on my acreage has been absolutely wonderous...

We're surrounded by corn and bean fields. In the fall, everything is golden and the sunsets make it even more beautiful. In the winter, white covers everything, and the sunsets make white roof-tops pink like strawberry syrup... It seems so long, though. In the beginning, it's comforting and renewing, but by the end of the season, I ache for green instead of grey. The spring-right now-the fields are black-waiting to be planted-and the grass in ditches and lawns is soooo green against the dark. The sky is much brighter as well. The summers here...

The summers here are nothing short of astounding...and lazy...

My bedroom is in the south-east corner of the house, and I have a window on both outside walls. My vanity mirror is on the west wall, and I have nothing but very very sheer curtains on my windows... The sun makes my lavender walls yellow like you'd see in a picture of some country bed and breakfast.

During the day-I try to wear as little as possible because everything sticks with humidity. I have naturally curly hair that seems to feel most free then, and it frizzes every where...it reminds me of pixie hair... I'd love to be able to have a personal forest in which I could prance around barefoot (the only way to spend a summer) and wear leaves that cover next-to-nothing-leaving a trail of sparkles every where I went...and those sparkles would turn into fireflies when the sky turned the color of bruises and grapefruits-blues and purples and oranges and pinks.

The fireflies here are one of the most awesome and amazing sights. They hide in the corn fields and cover the bean fields. Some nights the ground is brighter than the sky... Of course, the sky is so clear. Nothing but an occasional cloud gets in the way of the stars...no city lights to drown the stars...only maybe the fireflies...

Many nights, I bathe myself in bugspray to save myself from misquitos and literally sleep beneathe the stars. No tents...just me and blankets and maybe a pillow if I remember to bring it outside. The only thing I'd rather do more than fall asleep that way is to fall asleep that way-but not alone.

Fireflies can only keep me company for only so long. Eventually, they make things worse. Fireflies blink to attract a mate. Every now and then, I'll watch to little sparks get closer and closer..and...closer....until.....they......stop. That's when they hide in the privacy of the corn stalks, and I wish had somebody to hide in the cornstalks with me.

I'll have him in June.

I "met" Noah in October. He's a musician, and I heard his sounds on mp3.com. We started talking then, and we talked... Eventually we talked about what it would be like if we were closer to each other...we talked more and basically said fuck the distance. If we can work through the distance-nothing can stop us...He's in Ohio; I'm in Iowa. We are 827.1 miles apart, but I feel closer to him than I have to anybody else. It's scary being barely 18 and feeling this strongly about a man. I have to force myself to say "man." I don't love a boy...

I'm still unsure of where I am in the transition from a girl to a woman.

Anyway, Noah arrives in the Des Moines airport June 2nd. I'll have to drive him back to the airport June 8th. The seven days he's here, I think will be the scariest, but most exhilerating days I've had so far... Notice I said so far. I know he and I will have many more groups of seven days together...and in the summer...perhaps we'll glow the way the fireflies do...

Being Catholic and having the thoughts I have don't go together very well. I spent six years in a Catholic school. Six years I was told sex is dirty and wrong...brainwashed. It's taken some time for my "clean" mind to be ok with thinking dirty...but that's enough on that topic... It does put a smirk on my mouth when I think about how Noah has said to me, "I will do *anything* you want..." Oh-the possibilities. Words like those are the words that make me very happy that I am female and very capable of multiple orgasms...

I told you I wasn't shrivled, crusty, stuffy, and republican...


New topic...

School has been keeping me busy. I could have graduated early, but I decided not to since I can get college credit while the schoool pays for it.

Rehearsals have kept me busier. I love the stage *almost* as much as I love the summer. The warmth of the lights is unreal, and I feel like their light absorbs through my skin, reflects off my insides, and radiates back out to the audience...

The difference with summer is-there's more light, there's more warmth...more comfort.

I can't come to a conclusion in this e-mail without it sounding abrupt and forced...there's *always* more to be said until I die, and I've perhaps already said too much in this e-mail... So I'm sure you have a lot to tell me. I'm anxious to hear where you've been and what you've been doing and seeing...anything.

Still breathing, feeling, and living,
Sondra Jane
joda Dear JoE.

Since you allowed your email account to expire, I'll write to you here. I should write to you on paper, seeing as I obviously have no excuse not to, least of all, "I just don't have the time."

How are you? How's Chris? How's your son? I wish I had some important news to share, but sadly, my going-ons are trivial compared to what you have faced since college.

I do miss you though. What do you do when your best friend is gone?

There are so many things that have changed, and I don't know where to start. I'm lazy. Maybe we should just talk on the phone.

Take care, Crazy, because there's no place like it.
TrippingD Mike,

I know you're probably really busy and/or still trekking around some country or other, but i felt like writing you an email for old times sake. Now bear with me, i have no clue what i want to write to you, i'm just gonna let it go in any direction it takes. And keep in mind you don't have to read it, you can delete it before you're done, or keep it until you have a boring moment and feel like reading some dribble :)

My health has been kind of bad lately, and i really don't know what to do about it. I don't feel like it's something i can just go to a doctor for and find out what's going on. You know doctors these days, they're all quick to prescribe anything that convinces you to get out the door. Sometimes i just think it's depression. Stuck in a job i don't seem to enjoy as much as i used to. Trying desperately to get a decent portfolio in my spare time and sometimes not even knowing why i bother anymore. I constantly seem to sabotage any kind of "physical fitness" i try to obtain. And having no lovelife is pulling me into a vicious circle. I get so bitter when i see happy couples, convincing myself there is no such thing. A guy hits on me at a bar i figure he's in a so called "happy" relationship and trying to get laid so i blow them off. Therefore i end up with no one, so i'm bitter. But guys in bars *are* only out for sex right?? Sometimes i just feel like i should give in. Just hop in a fucking cab back to thier place and get laid. Maybe that will solve all my problems... ya right.

But then i have days where i seem to be actually happy. *Actually*. *Happy*. Sometimes i feel like that's virtually impossible. Then i think of the fact that hey, i am actually talented. I could go somewhere with this, i just need some time and some breaks. And i'm not hideous like i usually think. I'm kind of cute, quirky, like a cartoon, i just need to show that side more often. Guys *do* hit on me at bars, that's something right? Despite the fact that they are only out for sex, they still have limits right? But those days never last. I often joke that i should just be a lesbian. Bean and I should just get married since we already know we live and work well together. It's not like i'd be opposed to having sex with women, it's been done, and it rocks! I just can't stand them! Whiney, bitchy, shallow, slutty, and all they fucking do is complain. I'd beat my head in before i started dating women.

Then there's the physical health. First it was the severe pain in the upper abdomen that landed me in the emergency room before i was even done my shift. After being there for 7 hours, a shot in the ass and an x-ray, i was told to come back for an ultra sound later in the week. So i did. Wore my embarrassing sheep underwear and everything, just my luck it's a male nurse doing it. So he tells me he's sending it to my doctors and they'd call me. I still haven't gotten a call and my manager at work keeps bugging me to do it. Maybe I will tomorrow. But now there's the constant excrutiating pain in my lower abdomen, from all sides, even before that "time of the month" and it's still happening. Maybe i'm just afraid something is really wrong with me. That last reaccuring dream is coming true. And it's serious. For some reason, i'm not willing to find out.

So now my parents are coming home. After a total of 4 and a bit years of my mom not living here, and over a year of my dad not living here, i've gotten used to the freedom. I'm not going to have it much longer. On one hand i'm really excited that they're coming back. I've missed them so much, and despite the fact that i'm 25 i have this need to have my parents close by. Even though they haven't been here for so long and i got along fine, it would still be so much better if they were here. But what does that mean? I'm sick of independance and i want to revert back to when they did everything for me when i was a teenager? Because I can't. It took so long to finally realize i can do anything on my own, i don't need financial help or anything really. I'm hoping it's just because i miss them. I can't believe the time went by so fast.

And then there's Bean always being down from time to time about friendships. About losing them and blaming herself, when really, she isn't to blame. She'll go on about how all these things are falling down around her and it's tearing her apart. But the same thing happened to me, yet i'm not letting it bother me. What's more healthy? Should i be upset about the jerks that don't care? The ones who only call when they're bored or have some time to kill? I should be, dammit. But i'm not. I just quietly say fuck them all and concentrate on what's important in my life. On the people who do care about me and who i care about. I've never known myself to be someone who can shut their emotions off, but i realize now that i have. And i've always done it, it just takes a few "but i'll miss"'s and then it's over. On the really down days I get the urge to call people up to rekindle the friendship, but i always stop myself. Thank god. Who needs a bunch of dickwads? But i understand why she's so upset. I would be to, if i were like her. Because even though she is the queen of emotional shutdown, it eats at her because of it. I desperately want to see her happy. Yet when i do i'm jealous and secretely want it to fail, because i don't have it. And i have the gall to call myself her best friend. What kind of friend am i?

I do love her more then i ever thought possible. Who knew, given the way we met? Who would have thought that when i wrote her a message to ask her about someone she talked to, that it would turn out this way? That we'd be best friends, we'd live together, work together, get through anything together, for 7 years? 7 years ago i was right about only one thing. That she and i would never stop. We would never end. Somehow we'd keep us going. We compliment eachother, we can read eachothers body language, know what the other is thinking. We've been doing it for years. People used to call us twins. We met and laughed at how wrong they were, given that we look completely different. But somehow we actually are. We became twins. I will forever be mistakenly called Bean, and she will forever be mistakenly called Kat.

I also find i can't communicate as well as i used to. Email was a main thing between me and my friends. As soon as someone wrote me I wrote back with something witty and lengthy and fun. Now i get a message, important or not, and after reading it, close the email and leave the room. I still have yet to email back quite a few people. I just find i don't have anything to say. But y'know what? Neither of them were like me. They never wrote back right away. So why am I considered rude or ignoring someone when i do the same? Fuck that. Emailing someone isn't my life. It's not theirs, so it's not mine. I have better things to do with my time. Like Write. Draw. Create. My Life.

I saw someone today that i haven't seen in 17 years. Deacon Dan. Although he's probably no longer a deacon. I bet after 17 years he's finally become a priest, or either decided to get laid instead and said screw you to the catholic church. I just couldn't believe I had remembered him after so many years. I was just a kid, shorter then the 5'6 Deacon. But i looked at him and remembered a story he told us. Of course i don't remember the point of the story, the beginning of it, the reason he and his friend asked a little girl where they are. I just remember the punch line. When she said "buuurgeeerrrr kiiiiing". And i just kept staring at him. It probably freaked him out. Because i never actually went up to him to say hi. I just stared.

I got my hair done again. I don't remember what it was like when I last talked with you, or if i even mentioned it at any point then. It's an ash blond. Everyone loves it, says it suits me better then black. I plan to be pink soon. But i'm waiting until Kathy Gaye comes in, because my manager says i have to make an impression on her if i want to grow within the company. Basically they want me to kiss her ass. I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen. But if i'm going anywhere it's because of my integrity and my ability. Not by how much ass i kiss. But since i will never stoop so low to kiss any ass, i decided to make one hell of an impression. Do you think she'll remember a crazy girl with vibrant pink hair? *I* think so.

Alright so i'm done. I could rant more, you know i could. But I won't. Maybe it's because you're someone i know of that knows no one that i do. So i feel comfortable sharing and trust that you won't spread it around. Maybe i miss doing this. Now that Bean lives here permanently we rarely write eachother. Years ago it was sometimes 5 emails a day. Maybe I just wanted to connect with you a bit more, on a higher level then just the weather and current events in the news. Maybe i just felt like complaining big time. Maybe I just feel the need to reach out to someone i kinda sorta miss from time to time eh? :)

Anyway... Hope things are going better for you. I bet there's less snow down there, hehe, that is if you're still there. :) i remember talks of bigger and better adventures like going back to aussie land. Lucky Bastard! hehe...

Later gater...
Kat ^..^
megan lindsay:
whenever i do begin to write you, i always feel like a horrible friend.

{what happened to us?}

do you remember what it used to be like... all the dog days of summer spent jumping on your trampoline, walking to get a vanilla coke from the drugstore, or just laying in your room imagining our first kisses.

lord, i miss that.

our lives have torn s so far apart, i feel like i don't even know you anymore. do i? do you? is it all just part of the plan?

i just pray it isn't my fault somehow, nor yours. i could not live with the consequences of knowing we in some way contributed to our falling-out.

i miss you.
Aimee Art,

Hey. It's been a long time hasn't it? Since Germany? Yeah... must have been. I don't really know why I'm writing. You have your life, I have mine and for some reason, it just seems weird to be writing. So much has changed in my life. My grandma died right before christmas. You remember her? We went rushing over to her house before prom started just so she could see us looking nice together? It was a really really nice, but hard funeral. Her house is probably for sale now. I don't even know how to imagine that. I grew up there. I spent summers and spring breaks there, and on the morning of her funeral, I found out that her first great grandchild was growing in my belly. How morose is that?

Yeah, that's something else that's new. The first of my children is on the way. I'm due August 24th, so looks like I'm going to be spending the summer very very hot and very very uncomfortable. We don't know if it's a boy or a girl. I don't think we'll find out either. Something about a surprise makes it more exciting. It's so wierd though. I'm only 19. So much has changed and so much has just freaked me out on a daily basis. It kicks all the time and somedays it just terrifies me that I have to somehow bring this creature into the world and then, I have to keep it alive. At least I have Logan.

Did anyone tell you we got married? Lol! yeah, I'm married too. It doesn't even feel any different than when we were just living together. Remember the pastors in confirmation trying to tell us that living together before marriage was wrong and like taking the horse for a ride before paying for it? How else are you supposed to know if it works?!? But things are going well as far as that is concerned. We're still trying to figure each other out, and that can cause problems, but it's worth it.

How's school going? I'm glad you got into Lawrence. Granted it wasn't really a surprise. Your dad being the head of the theater department kind of gave the hint. I hope you're enjoying it though. It's a great school. *sighs* I really wish I'd made it in there. I wouldn't have met logan, and I wouldn't be pregnant, but it's such a good school and it's such a comfortable environment for me. Oh well. I heard you were majoring in theater too... again, not a surprise. I wish we could just hang out for a while and shoot the shit. It's so hard to write a letter to someone and not be able to hear their responses. Then again, it makes it easier to say somethings too.

It really hurts that we don't talk anymore. I miss you being there for me, calling me your "wee one" and sitting on your steps talking or watching goonies and making wise cracks through the whole thing. If I wasn't what you wanted, why did you pursue me? I'd resigned myself that all we could have was friendship. I was trying so hard to get over you so we could keep our friendship strong. I know you blame me for it. I've heard you do it. I accept part of the blame, but still... you were involved and me wearing a pretty dress with my hair done up doesn't make me the only one responsible. If you thought something like that was going to happen, why did you agree to come with me? I could have gone with Andy and we would have been fine. Andy would have said nice dress, nice hair, lets go party. *sighs* I've been holding this in for a long time dipsy. You didn't even leave me with my dignity. You broke up with me and 5 mins later (while i was waiting in the car) asked out another girl. *shakes head* I just can't believe someone who was my best friend for so long could have done that to me. I wanted so badly to believe that you were someone else, and that someday, somehow, my best friend would come back and we'd be fine. I know that's not going to happen now. Sure, I was the first person you told about losing your virginity, and you were the first person I told about being raped. I just wish that we could have started from that point and rebuilt. I really needed you after that. I needed a boy I could trust and I was willing to trust you again. *sighs* Well, I'm gonna go. I hope you're doing okay, and I hope you're happy... and I mean that genuinely. Take care Art and if you should you need me for any reason at all.. just call..

I miss you
lo dear jodalee jodacious dojy what have you,
i wish i could go back in time and erase all the many many thoughtless mistakes i've made. i'm a terrible friend i know...after all one time the cards said you would be disappointed by my flightyness. ta da here i am the flake. i wasn't there for your headaches even though as you bestfriend i should have been there to keep you company makeing you soup or something. i was and still am a self absorbed ass. i missed every single birthday party you threw for me cept that one in like 6th grade or something when annette swore she was getting me an entire new wardrobe. i took for granted you'd always be there. i didn't realize what life and time could do to a friendship if you didn't keep it up. the last time i remember having a real conversation with you was at least two years ago with the jose tejhas and the currant vodka. i got in a whole competive jealous thing for a while where i made a fool of myself cuz i felt like a loser what with you all in college and me working at a job i hated. i always in some way felt i was competing with you. you were thinner, you ran faster, all the boys absolutly adored you, you balanced schoool, impressive extra curriculars, and social life seemingly effortlessly. back then though it pushed me to do better. try harder. with you as a friend you opened up worlds to me i never would have known. we were really so different and you complemented my life but i wonder ,really what did i ever open up for you? i know besides that i will never tell you any of this because really who isn't a part of the i love jody club. somehow it seems that like this i keep some truth to the idea that we were best friends and that it was something that was real and i'm not one the millions who kiss your feet patheticly. and it feels better to think that it was just time and growth and different paths and not me doing this or you doing that. cuz it hurt that you never visted when i moved to this damned place confused and alone. and in wildwood when i didn't see you all weekend and blah blah blah. i guess i can't really place blame either way. time and growth and change affected the decisions we made. i just wish i knew at all who you were anymore. i don't. you want to be be a freelance office psychology thingy thing. i don't get it. you could be absolutely anything -you have the drive and the talent and this to me seems like settling. it guess it makes you happy though. you've become a stranger in the last fewyears and i don't understand the seemingly picket fence dream your aiming for. it's so disturbing to be so estranged. i don't expect some great come back of anything. truth is we are wildly different people with different values goals views beliefs tastes. if we had never known one another and met today we'd be where we are now, at parties speaking to different people occasionally sharing a laugh or two. these are just things that have built up and needed release finally. i still love you as the best friend i ever had. i have yet to meet one person with who i could share a mind, who's glance i could read, who'd laugh at my dumb ass jokes, who's stories i could hear again and again without tire and who could listen to mine. (yeah you told this story tell it anyway! or just tell me the story about _ again)i miss that. i miss you. don't forget that.
love always
James T. McRae There's something so commanding yet tragic about all of these letters. How do we let ourselves stray so much from the ones that keep us happy? Perhaps its the reminiscence of the good times, the times we have all lost but for a memory. I don't think we realise the wonderful moments of our lives until it is too late. Maybe I'll add my own personal message one day, one fine morning. 031114
u24 letter to all my old friends;

call me, cuz I'm too me to call you.
jaen i'm not really sure what to say, except that you're my oldest friend & you have hurt me so much. i imagine i've hurt you in the past, & maybe this has occurred to you now, but your dismissal of me seems less planned than some vindictive childish revenge.

i've tried to contact you multiple times, tried to make you smile, get any kind of reaction out of you. and you are just ignoring me, which seems just cruel, especially since you won't even tell me why.

all i know is i'm okay with stepping back from our friendship, whatever helps you feel better, keeps you on your high horse. but do not go to my house & give cupcakes to my boyfriend unless you are willing to talk to me first. if you want to stay away, then stay the fuck away. there's no grey area here.
jane () 071214
lady_jane Sad...I don't even remember who I wrote that e-mail to.

I miss my farm. I miss my inspiration.
Syrope hey. look, i know it's been a long time. there are times when my heart fills with something powerful, frightening, more_than_love, even, which...i didn't know was possible. i've been trying really hard to think "all that's left is the sink!" instead of "damnit, the sink still needs to be done!" but it isn't enough. i'm terrified. i wish you would come back around, but my dignity is dwindling, here. you know where to find me. 080323
what's it to you?
who go