here_it_is_love ICANSPEAKFREELYNOW retreat in to oblivion ...ilovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove u aldgskljgiodfjskl jdfdjsflfjkldfjdsaklfjdklsfdjfkljfkf.sdf.s.......read me notice me notCIE ME NOTICE ME NOTICE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW u stupid aSS MOTHER FUCKER ......YOU LEFT ME........IM A FUCKIN LOSER.....breathin breath out....check it....there we go EUTOPIA lovelovelovelovelovelovelovefkdsfjd sl;weuFOEFJHefdjusZdfjsddfok its still here it has nt left yet 5/8/05 050508 ... ICANSPEAKFREELYNOW trees broke into ure head flipintoooiy remember spring break...you and I ......the sun was so beautiful. I brought my guitar and sang...ppl came....but the song was yours,, (this never happened) (this is all fictional...this is what i wish my life was like) And than ted came back...a little tipsy (as usual) he was full of it...But you were beautiful Sasha. It was so great....And than lateron ..........when sunset hit...and we were alone at the beach...guitar next to me and you around my arm. I was soooo content....bring me back love..,bring me back. 050508 ... andru235 that first post voluminously speaketh 050508 ... anomalous "my bleedin bloody heart" 050508 ... captain_subtext oh yes sir it did speak trees 050508 ... ICANSPEAKFREELYNOW Thats not too much.....mmmm coffee I love this stuff im tired lately ive been sleepingh a lot... I f i say ill be big maybe ill star to bekieve it ....I"ll make IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(must act happy...lest i give into deppression) ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ :-) 050509 ... IcanSpeAKFrEeLyNoW u dont know me......sad isnt it....i could be a great guy ,.,,,,yyou could be a great guy or girl....we'd never know it.....Than again we could also be insane... (not a good thing).... but id like to think otherwise 050509 ... iCaNsPeAkFrEeLyNoW No you cant do this...ill stay heere if i want...please love me....dream in a bottle and touch me on the dashboard of insane remiss...god l;oves someone out there,,,,,,,mmmmmmm.,,.,,.m,.,m.i miss 7 -11's i want to go to one but i aint got no car i want To stay OUT late tonite.......but not many friends ,.........and the guy wit hwheels wouldnt do it tonite.... (the parents wouldnt be thrilled either) 050509 ... icanSpeaKFreelynow late at nite tired tritlle trot tommorrow schooll...ill miss this place,,,,fuck this,,,i despise school.............rarggdsssfdsfsfd...................someday ill miss it....but until than....i fuckin despise it///.. ----------------------------- 050509 ... icanSpEAKfrEElyNow I love u blather....u are my counselor.... To think that someone listens to me through u is wonderful I'M NOT ALONE~! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU -your Pal, Ben 050509 ... IcAnSpEaKfReElYnOw dream on....lesser to the lost...Please favor the god of love and mercy........................... dirnk is my new word... to be dirnked is to be like blah. Not Quite an all out bland BLAH but a mild blah.... 050510 ... icanspEAKFREELYnow hmm....shame...id like to make friends with ppl here. anyone want to mingle? at least share a comment.? (god came down from a happy world...shes glad__) 050510 ... lostwalrus if god came down from a happy world, where is she now? 050510 ... icanspEAKfreelynow Here...from the lips of Strangers .....Strangers are happy before they meet... We design A perfect world molding people into what we see fit... Ultimately................ Ahhhh Fuck it was SOundING so FUCKING deep too.... I didn't think anyone would ask me what I meant... but i really do appreciate it... 050510 ... iCanSpeakfreelynow Sleep wiith car love dog reunion hHAHAHA.... leave it to us we are the future after all.... I know////// sounds simple aye? HEEHEHE i t aint... RETRACT THOSE IDEAS....imnto cerberus )))))*(*(*(*( aint it pretty..... Please love me.e.... maybe someday one of us'll make it... maybe just maybe i will 050511 ... lostwalrus i liked it too 050511 ... pSyche Everything I wanted you to be Everything you weren't for me here it is love All of your failures That cause me to reject you 050511 ... IcanSpeakFREelyNOW Love Always! It's free, and it is the ultimate Euphoria... If you can't love anyone, make up someone to love....It doesnt matter... It's the deepest of all.....feelings (so deep that I'm hesitant to call it a feeling.) 050512 ... IcanSpeakFREelyNOW its ok....Jesus was an only son...and im a black pup flying up like u and i should get know it anywAY!!...but he was only here for a limited time ,,,he found himself 10 cents short of a dime ( mark mallman ) so those chix drink,,,,,fuck im 16 ive never been drunk,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,why exist...y not? noqrw 050512 ... IcanSpeakFREelyNOW(or can I?) uve done it again...perhaps I can Speak freely now...but maybe i cant. I think im still tied to something....maybe ultimately, that something is myself. 050512 ... ICANSPeaKFREELYNOW haha I dont need to make it to be happy its late i should probably get to sleep now... I love you all I don't care what you've done. I'd like to be close woth all of you (though i know it's risque to say)I'd like for us to change eachothers lives for the best. Really I would. Is anywhen else with me? 050517 ... TwItCh im here to live...ok? goood its settled than. I live and ppl can do whatever the fuck else thay want. 050518 ... icanspeakfreelynow actually i dont know about that but still well........errr dream and stuff\ 050518 ... Twitch flipp to the sky, breath apple pie, drink gin and rye, see through glass eyes........ I'm just a guy, i'll where a tie, slip into dry....cry........................................................................sigh.............. ahh... shit bye 050522 ... icanspEAKFREELYNOW i thought i ...well i was happpy yay...but sleeppppppp...........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz only 345 pm too........................ 050524 ... icanspEAKFREELYNOw i think =all wake up early tmommorrow...... lik 5 30 --ya Dig?// walk in the woods and shi... oh yea 050524 ... icansPEAKFreelynow nope...didnt wakr up early enougg...(though i did still walk in the woods after school...(and got lost) 050525 ... icaNspeakfreelYNOw hmmm weekend,,,(we're off Friday) 050526 ... icanspeekfreelynow i dont wanna leave 050527 ... twitch(or)icanspeakfreelynow why? why not / ? this is a whole lot of... ooo my eye itched... I like itching things.... makes me feel constructive. 050528 ... IcanTwitchfreelyNow i love u all.. now break into oblivion 050530 ... icanspeee.smfadsfdszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz flister, gaggling, joodle, Tilly, Rumperstil, jolny-orey --------------------------------------- Why are these not real words... saying them is theraputic...I love them! 050530 ... stork daddy all of me he said, and rubbed his hands like the greedy like the cold. self conscious lad always wondered in school if they all knew what he was thinking must be guarded. how disconcerting then - to see the car you thought for sure was following you turn left at the light while you go straight on. but it doesn't matter what actually happened, it's the thought, it's that it could happen. don't they see you're contending with all possible worlds? that's a lot. here it is love, all of me. i mean it more than you can know. how do i tell you then, that i'm breaking up with you marrying you. that it's here it is love everytime we kiss. how tiring and novel. until nothing is novel. because everything is novel. the same tasks over and over again. and diminishing returns of peace. as the world goes on, exposing more and more details you were blind to. that it can sustain, but you cannot. and you want me to kiss you how grand, how novel. until the kiss is another item on this list. another verb to be nouned and variously other verbed with your tools of lying or truth-telling delaying or hurrying. or doing just right for one moment for some peace. here it is love, all of me. 050531 ... . . 050531 ... Twitch Sorry... I wish to stay...;-) 050602 ... twiiiiitch `~livin liveo out90909 (blaberrin here is my right) 050602 ... twiTCH blackkk and white teedle tot rum drum cant bring anything oiut in the iopen t o you youy oyuoyuoyuoyuoyu!~@!!!!1!1 I DONT FEEL LIKE THIS IS MY LIFE I'M SWITCH BETWEEN A CONFIDENT GUY WHO TAKES CROWDS AWAYTO MEMEMEDOWN TRODDEN 050603 ... unhinged john_and_i 050603 ... Twitch hey its been a while since someone else posted...joyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! 050604 ... twitchy lost, tired, and alone 050608 ... unhinged obviously_i_love_you but i need a little back in return every now and again to keep this nurture machine going so unless it comes out soon that you love me too i don't know how much longer i can do this thing we do 050608 ... Twitch I;m still alive....life is still in me joy ... sorrow ....whatever... 050617 ... Twitch I'll make it through this life... I have to... (bump) 050629 ... Twitch Trying to figure ou what to do today-. Any suggestions? 050630 ... Twitch I want to be something 050630 ... pete Watch the fire works tonight twitch (if you can). Think of all of us who'll be in the kitchens and behind the bars and enjoy your freedom on your holidays, though we have ways of enjoying ourselves at work :D *is in a floating mood, there's guests here today! and more still to arrive!* 050701 ... Twitch And so...I want to make a band... make songs... and be FREE... less to the moon... drink it and then spit it out ... Love, Ben 050816 ... walrie i love love, but love doesn't love me or maybe love loves me, but i don't love love despite everything, i have love. i think. 050816 ... walrie how exactly does one become free? what is the definition of this FREE you speak of? i haven't learned how to be free yet. 050816 ... Twitch alrite...to me freedom is directly proportional to how much self confidence you have. You need to be happy with yourself...or else you'll want the approval of others (as I do) and thats not free. Have you ever just wanted to scream? a free person would if the urge came...(i suppose.) I may have been slightly freer (idk if thats a word...so what) than others...i mean i could bring my guitar everywhere and just play. But at the same time...that may now be a bit of a vice... I'm kind of known for making up hilarious songs about people on the top of me head...I dont think i can do it everytime...but now I'm kind of put in a box...and i have to at least try. 050818 ... Twitch ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS the girl doesn't like me...that is all. 050819 ... unhinged being happy with yourself by yourself for yourself is overrated if you ask me. it's just that the people we tend to draw to ourselves when we aren't happy only tend to compound the problem rather than fix it. there is no middle ground. there is either the boring or the drama queens. where are all the interesting yet only moderately sane people? 050819 ... neesh in time they turn out to be dull or insane, unhinged. i know which i am. 050819 ... neesh actually i'm just being moody, in truth i know quite a few comfortably mad interesting people. i'm really lucky to know them. i love them dearly. i just happen to be living on a different continent to them right now. 050819 ... Twitch ahh yes...thats the problem with the internet... all the friends you make on it seem so far away. 050820 ... REAListic optimIST Striving waves_of_not epiphany in_silence_even_as_i_break_it_now source_calls_us_to_me choose_enact power_flows_through shared_dreams investigate inspirational intercourse intergration inner_peace allwarmnfuzzers thou_art_god attachment Aftershocks 050821 ... neesh oh no, i made most of my friends at school, or while at school. in england. then i moved to chile. 050822 ... Twitch i gots a new harmonica...... yay. i want to be a happy person. 050823 ... misstree first blood tastes sweetest. 050823 ... Twitch yea maybe it does.. ...Ive takin up smoking cigereetes...its more fun then doin nothin!..and can help get me goin... ive life a s though you had a rash in your nose... in other words...im breaking slowly from inside... in other words... Choose your friends wisely... In other words... Death is scary.... In other words... Live, learn and then get luvs.... In other words... Im takin out a lady to the movies.... In other words... I wanna write great songs... In other words....... .......... ......... Love 050828 ... Twitch It's still in my head...It,s still in my brain... Though I don't really know where I've been. Or who I Became...for still I'm the same.. Still Wasted 050829 ... unhinged the_frank_folio frank_lyrics 050830 ... unhinged your hugs make me want to get up in the morning it hurst to be so far away from you 050830 ... Twitch OK! Thats it.. I'm gonna enjoy life... Somehow Through Cigarettes_Coffee_People_and Music 050906 ... mous here it is. love. to be continued..... 050906 ... Twitch Independence That is what I need 050907 ... Twitch Edazer1987: To continue with yesterday's discussion! Edazer1987: I meant to bring up that... Edazer1987: Vin's weird with his talent... Edazer1987: I'd have to say. Edazer1987: It like... Edazer1987: Multiplied since we started... stringeddream: idk stringeddream: maybe Edazer1987: No, seriously it has.. Edazer1987: I know he started off as kinda.. Edazer1987: Well, plainly shitty.. Edazer1987: He admits it himself too, now... Edazer1987: Like he, looks back at how bad he was and laughs.. stringeddream: well i havent heard him Edazer1987: That was my point... stringeddream: so i guess i cant say anything to the contrary Edazer1987: Now the only person in the band with almost no talent.. Edazer1987: Would be myself... Edazer1987: I've been playing for like... Edazer1987: About 8 years... Edazer1987: My voice has somewhat gotten better.. Edazer1987: With being able to do range.. Edazer1987: Better.. Edazer1987: Not my death metal voice.. Edazer1987: My normal one.. Edazer1987: But it still sucks.. stringeddream: you werent bad whenb youstarted Edazer1987: And my crappy keyboard playing speaks for itself.. Edazer1987: Don't tell Vin I said that.. Edazer1987: He'll be like.. Edazer1987: WTF OMFG You're a genius, that's BS... Edazer1987: And I'm really not.. Edazer1987: And you do have the talent.. Edazer1987: It's only until recently.. Edazer1987: That you've strived your hardest to become a SERIOUS songwriter...And I know it's not your hardest because you are still focusing on miniscule things... stringeddream: haha Edazer1987: [No Offense...] Edazer1987: But it's only until you kind've just stopped.. Edazer1987: And said to yourself.. Edazer1987: That you COULD do this.. Edazer1987: But now you're kinda doing the contrary.. Edazer1987: I'm not going to crack on Ruthie, or any of them, and I know you might not think so, or even believe me... But frankly.. Edazer1987: They are a HORRIBLE, influence on you... Edazer1987: I'm not saying that I'm good or even nuetral.. Edazer1987: I'm probably just as bad.. stringeddream: naa your good Edazer1987: But focusing on getting friends like.. Edazer1987: That.. Edazer1987: Is quite frankly... Not only a waste of time.. Edazer1987: But.. Edazer1987: Also... stringeddream: i wuv ruthie like whoa Edazer1987: Hurting you in many ways.. Edazer1987: I know...^^; Edazer1987: But, you have to ask yourself.. stringeddream: i doubt shes this great influence Edazer1987: Do you really, REALLY like her, and all she's about... Edazer1987: Or do you like.. Edazer1987: HEY! I get to makeout with her! Edazer1987: ^___^ Edazer1987: I'm not denying you love.. Edazer1987: I'm just asking you to ask yourself, and look at it from a different perspective.. stringeddream: well i havent seeb her in like two weeks stringeddream: and i still think shes great Edazer1987: You are lonely, looking for a female companionship... Ruthie provides that... Although a negative influence, it's still A female, who likes you... [That's not rare, btw...] Edazer1987: Meaning if you're yourself... You can find girls... Who are not as negative.. Edazer1987: I'm not trying to down her! Edazer1987: Don't get me wrong, ok? Edazer1987: I'm just trying to um...Let you see it from someone else's POV? stringeddream: i understand stringeddream: OO!!! OO!!! stringeddream: check out her myspace man stringeddream: im in her pic stringeddream: i feel so special! Edazer1987: Okee..^__^ Edazer1987: Linkz0rs.. Edazer1987: Nevermind.. Edazer1987: I'll find it.. stringeddream: http://www.myspace.com/rubidaeo stringeddream: look E...i guess its like this stringeddream: there are some people who want to Evolve themselves stringeddream: and there are some people who just want to enjoy life Edazer1987: Don't be a hedonist.. Edazer1987: That philosophy is full of shit.. Edazer1987: Hedonism, I mean.. stringeddream: I just want to enjoy it...but in someways maybe im depressed that im not being all i could be stringeddream: or want to be Edazer1987: Exactly... Edazer1987: Because it is a quintessential human feeling.. Edazer1987: One, the WANT to evolve in a manner of speaking... Just become better... Edazer1987: Two.. Edazer1987: To leave behind a legacy.. Edazer1987: I don't want to sound like some preacher... Because I'm definitely not... I have more flaws then all of those people put together.. Edazer1987: So you definitely don't have to listen to me.. Edazer1987: Or even take what I have to say into consideration.. Thank you E! you help me with life. 050909 ... Twitch ******(11:25:34 PM): ben you suck. royally. stringeddream (11:26:30 PM): yea i know *******(11:26:54 PM): you make me sad stringeddream (11:27:05 PM): me? *******(11:27:18 PM): yes you stringeddream (11:27:20 PM): and why is that? (11:27:42 PM): cause i wanna talk to youuu StringedDream(11:28:03 PM): well gee gosh golly ruthie ********(11:29:24 PM): no. no. its too late now. you already made me sad. the saddest girl in the world. stringeddream (11:29:45 PM): I cant make you the saddest girl in the world stringeddream (11:29:53 PM): dont give me that much credit ******* (11:30:03 PM): oh you did 050915 ... unhinged what_you_meant_to_me it's one of those realizations echoing_thought too loudly inside my click clattered brain what_you_meant_to_me the real reason i avoided any nonviolent physical interaction with you why i cherish the bruises you leave beware_of_reason beware_of_common_sense the human mind can warp any and every thing to the confines of logic even that which won't be placed in that box i could never even dream or imagine of giving you the words i've written for you as you chatter and yammer about the utilitarian reasons for any friendship you develop i've heard the softness in your_voice only there when we are alone and your arms firmly wrapped around but letting_go too soon the way your hands twitched at your sides every time before me leaving and this last time this last time you are like all the others the ones i tell myself i need to spite myself to self_destruct i couldn't tell you what i need such a simple request really i called you yesterday and you didn't answer 050916 ... f just looking for somthing - 050917 ... unhinged did you find what you were looking for? 050918 ... Twitch stringeddream: cool stringeddream: alright E stringeddream: have you ever heard of Blather? Edazer1987: Yeah, you told me of it long ago... Edazer1987: I think I will revist.. Edazer1987: Now... Edazer1987: What are the rules? Can I post total randomness? Edazer1987: Or does it have to be artistic? stringeddream: o yea stringeddream: www.blather.newdream.net Edazer1987: And poetry-y...? stringeddream: ANything goes man Edazer1987: Yay, I'm going to have some fun... stringeddream: but if we Tell TOO many people...the whole sight could just turn into millions of random osts at one second... stringeddream: alrite man Edazer1987: Yeah, I know...^^ Edazer1987: Going to bed? stringeddream: youll find out everything you need to know without me sayin to much stringeddream: no EMail Needed Edazer1987: Okee..^^ stringeddream: and titles cant have Spaces..or real punctuations stringeddream: so_people_do_this stringeddream: I'm gonna put this lil conversation in Blather Edazer1987: CooL... 050920 ... Twitch Driving practice with a teacher after school today... Man, I hope I get my lisence on Oct 4. It's tough though...I mean even if I do get it, I still don't know where anywhere is. 050929 ... Twitch Well...The instructor I saw yesterday said I had a good chance of getting it! It's hard to imagine that freedom. Well, if I ever learn how_to_get_to where_I_want_to_go . 050930 ... unhinged dude i still don't have my license and in a couple of weeks i'll be 24; you can get where you want to go without a car (most of the time). except in this shithole town, but i regress. here_it_is___love 050930 ... Twitch Wow! someone mad a Blath off of my Blathe...I feel so important! Thanks! 050930 ... Twitch it's comin... ... You do drugs... I don't ... YOu've been with lots of people... I havent... Trainwreck 051002 ... Twitch it's comin... ... You do drugs... I don't ... YOu've been with lots of people... I havent... Trainwreck 051002 ... Twitch Maybe I'm wrong... If you really would change... It would mean a lot... Please tell me you're not just saying this. 051005 ... Twitch Aww... I girl I barely know just laughed at my accents. It's nice. 051012 ... Twitch man... i_want_to_get_a_band_together. Now that I got wheels, we'll see what happens... 051024 ... Twitch ehh...not much has happened... I found a cool place to play pool... The guy says he'll let high school students play for only 5 dollars from 3 to 10... I'll have to get some people together. 051025 ... Twitch Ooops It's 3 to 6 i believe (not that anyone would care about that but me...) 051025 ... Twitch just got back from a car_accident 051025 ... Twitch Things should be ok... I survived the crash...and I'm in a "I want to be a better person" mood. I want to fight to be someone that I actually like. 051027 ... fffffffff having a best friend 051028 ... fffffffffffffffffff a best_friend that is 051028 ... anne-girl how do you become a better person? i'm trying too 051029 ... pete i'm exploring the lands between anonymous and love 051029 ... Twitch Really? Is there anything worth while in-between them? 051031 ... pete there's a sea of dates, tired mornings, lingering nights, and unexpectant dances between 051031 ... Twitch Sounds fun. I'll have to visit the in_between sometime. 051103 ... (0)(0) It's been a while since I've had a lingering night. 051105 ... Twitch Well I had a late night yesterday... It was fun. Hung out with a girl that I didn't find one buit attractive. ANd still had an awesome time. Beauty is overrated. 051110 ... Till beauty is overrated. The internet is proof of that...people just need the right mindset to be successful (though beauty can't hurt) 051113 ... Twitch I think I might enjoy life more with a british accent. I'll have to try that today. 051116 ... Twitch I like to print lots of shit on the school computer. I feel like I'm getting the school back by using up their stupid ink and paper... haha... 051117 ... Twitchy Free it all from inside you... be a little crazy every now and then 051121 ... Twitch fuck it all man... like when you join a board for the first time, and no one likes you... I think I'll join some board just to build confidence... Just to be the guy who says "Fuck_You" I know it's ignorant...but after living for 17 years I've found that people who don't think too much about others enjoy life...and, ironically, have the most friends. 051122 ... Twitch And So...We find our hero in a familier predicament. At school, Tired , and feeling like shit. ---------------------------------------- Tommorrow he has a court case, for smoking in his car on school grounds. With a mere $50 fine and a day of no school...he could care less. 051128 ... Twitch Dreaming on a green film of christmas paper. GOd rebukes the five sacred cups of coffee. now for the killer...the main event.. ... ... //////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is no main event... life is spent waiting for the main event... but it never comes (Selah) 051130 ... Twitch Tired-But still wired to this world... it's a funny feeling. 051130 ... Twitch School is the perfect place to test your freedom... Your in front of tons of people and you can see if you really have the guts to just say "Hey" and be yourself. 051201 ... Twitch I've got to say...even if it's just personal things that no one cares about...I've contributed to blather... It feels good...Like I'm a big part of some random online phenomenon 051202 ... andru235 it is impossible to esteem what your blathes mean to others ... whether one's blathes are received appreciatively or with disdain. but on the whole, here, it is love. 051203 ... witch true... but a few people read them...so I'm having some effect on someone. 051212 ... Twitch true... but a few people read them...so I'm having some effect on someone. 051212 ... Twitch Damn this Double_Blathing 051212 ... Twitch Alabaster Avenue Break the Sky Tonight Shine Parkway Angel Cocaine Sandy (and another that I can't think up a title for) ... songs_I_have_written 051216 ... Twitch Hmm...I recently wrote another song. It was great. the process to get it down took about as long as it does to sing it...I think I'll call it Waking_Up_Where_You_Don't_want_to ...but damn...that's a long title... whatever...I've learned that If I think too much about things like that, I doubt myself. And If I doubt myself things never get done...because I won't believe I can do it anyway... so, in short, Fuck_it! I'll keep the title until I think of something else. 051220 ... Twitch The adderall is starting to wear thin...I think I'm growing a tolerance for it... but rather than taking more...I think I'll stop and then take it again... this christmas break seems like a good time to do it... 051221 ... Twitch well...today is the first day that I have not taken Adderall in a while... In addition to this, my original goal was to not smoke for this week... but alas, I just had to have one cigarette (and a light one mind you!) ahh well... tomorrow's Christmas... Fuck_it! 051224 ... Twitch My problem is I'm trying to please my other half...and my other half always takes the side of an angry critic. how do I defeat him...He always puts me down... I should name him...maybe even make some blathes as him... 051229 ... sarah heh twitch i'm your other half. Not really but you are whole anyway. School, and the rest of your life is the main event if you love not fear or hate. A tricky one though. The Best, Pricey 051230 ... Twitch Y'know... This blathe and _an_anonymous_journal_for_all_to_see are siblings. This is the sister_Blathe... Whenever I post on one I also make a point to do the other. Even if I really don't have much to say... It's just the whole concept of the thing. 060102 ... mockingbird they're always twinned on the recent page 060102 ... her royal highness the quirk in case you're wondering, i was testing myself. it's been about nine months since we last spoke. i wanted to see if i could talk to you, which it turns out i can. it was also to see if i really am over you. to see if i could talk to you without crying. for so long i've been telling myself that i don't harbor any affection for you. i'd actually started to believe it. but then i imed you and the first time i laughed during that conversation, i realized that i do still love you. and that confuses the hell out of me. 060102 ... TROUBLESUM POOF! a splatter on your face 060103 ... TROUBLESUM POOF! a splatter on your face 060103 ... Twitch aww... your quite sweet yourself anne. I would never have guessed that you felt that way... It's nice.. And don't restrain yourself from IMing me.. It was a wonderful surprise. 060103 ... Twitch got a car... again... ahh well...didn't want to defy the plans of the insurance companies... I'm a 17 year old male...It's critical that I crash my first car... now i can try to get out... I at least know where westfield is...and that's one of my favorite zones... but it's rather far away. 060106 ... Twitch got there had a great time, but I'm starting to realize that a little quiet isn't really a bad thing. When I'm here I do sleep a lot more...and maybe I tell myself that it's depression. But maybe I'm more relaxed. Maybe this new house is just in a more relaxing scenario. But then, there's the boredom I get... and the lack of kids to hang out with... either way, this place does suck... But I need to make the best of it. 060108 ... Twitch man oh man. If there was a class in Blathing...I would so ace it. The way I figure it, I've already completed quite a few assignments. But no, there is no class in blathing. it's just what I do... 060109 ... Twitch what_can_I_do_to_make_this_day_different? or maybe not even different...maybe just worthwhile... 060110 ... Twitch I_Forgot_to_take_my_adderall_today. and for the moment... I'm ok... still awake... maybe even mildly energetic... of course I'm still going to try like hell to get a pill from the nurse. 060111 ... Twitch ehh...that makes it sound like I'm doing something I shouldn't... I should clarify... It is prescribed to me, though I'll admit that I have a somewhat mild addiction (I don't take it on weekends so I have something to look forward to on monday and so my body doesn't adapt to it too much.) 060111 ... Twitch She smiles at me She's definately high up in the highschool_hierarchy. And me? I really don't have a place here. School is like a stage that I'll perform at occasionally (making my classmates an audience that I really don't affiliate with much.) I'd really like to have fun and "hang out" with people, but with my personality it's just too easy for people to dismiss me as "that hilarious kid" and assume I have friends everywhere I go. 060112 ... Twitch wow... I'm starting to enjoy Avenged_SevenFold. I mean... a metal band... I know that they don't seem any different from anyone else out there... But The Beast and the Harlot is catchy. and that's all I need. 060114 ... Twitch My grades are pretty despicable. I guess I'm just depending on my dreams, and not really thinking about the future. But I have to wonder... if I ever do "make it" will I really be happy. Or will the enjoyment just last for a year and then turn me into another depressed rock and roll cliché. 060117 ... Twitch no adderall today But I'm okay jamming wtih some band today ...In a land of cheap cigarettes and sex shops...it is known as Easton PA. 060121 ... Twitch last minute assignments...that I'm putting little effort into. It's more productive then going back sleeping and getting all depressed. Sometimes I go through these moments, Where nothing feels real at all. How can you prove reality anyway? Maybe this is all something way above my head, And nothing is what it seems. Life could be a dream, or a test. Maybe just some virtual game I plugged into from my real life. Or maybe everything is real, And I’m just losing my mind. 060122 ... Twitch I've joined a band... I've accomplished a goal. Cool guys, sounds like they used to do more drugs then I care for...but they're cleaned up. I still haven't heard the lead guitarist...but I assume he's good. And for me? I play guitar (as to what kind I'm not sure) harmonica, and sing. 060123 ... Freak I dont know what I would do without her. She lays there and is so small...im the mother, the adult, she the infant, yet I curl up to her and fall asleep with a comfort that feels like i am the one being protected. Like nothing could go wrong and everything is perfect while I am in this place. Where I am suppossed to be. Where I was meant to be. 060123 ... Twitch y'know...i mean its probably normal...but I get excited when I see that someone wrote something in a blathe that I made...or in response to me. 060124 ... Twitch man...I can't believe I actually completed an essay. Of course...I did it the period before it was due...but still. I think I'll get out and do something today. 060126 ... Twitch is_there_an_ultimate_view? is anything important? is anything really wrong or right? 060129 ... Twitch Climbing up on solsbury hill I could see the city light Wind was blowing, time stood still Eagle flew out of the night He was something to observe Came in close, I heard a voice Standing stretching every nerve I had to listen had no choice I did not believe the information Just had to trust imagination My heart was going boom boom, boom Son, he said, grab your things, I’ve come to take you home. To keeping silence I resigned My friends would think I was a nut Turning water into wine Open doors would soon be shut So I went from day to day Tho’ my life was in a rut ’till I thought of what I’d say Which connection I should cut I was feeling part of the scenery I walked right out of the machinery My heart was going boom boom boom Hey, he said, grab your things, I’ve come to take you home. Yeah back home When illusion spin her net I’m never where I want to be And liberty she pirouette When I think that I am free Watched by empty silhouettes Who close their eyes, but still can see No one taught them etiquette I will show another me Today I don’t need a replacement I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant My heart was going boom boom boom Hey, I said, you can keep my things, they’ve come to take me home. --------------------------------------- I love this song... A pitty I can't sing high enough to do it in it's original key. 060131 ... Twitch today is all at home...lonely. 1 ciggy...only one. but why does lonliness have to be such a bad thing. Besides...my loving mother is currently here. And Father will be back soon. what am I saying...a kid like me has a need to get out and meet people. to the point where it's unhealthy. 060205 ... Twitch I know that derealization is all in my head. But it doesn't help. It's either gotten better...or I've gotten used to it. I'm also realizing that at some point in my life...I'll need to stop talking adderall completely. It's being found to be a powerful drug that can contribute to cardiovascular problems. (big surprise...) *sarcasm* I've already gotten into the habit of not taking it on the weekends (mostly because I don't want my body to adapt to it...I want to "feel" it.) Ahh well... I need to adopt the_correct_mindset. 060212 ... Twitch That's it...the meaning of life. Have Fun. Whatever you do have fun... I mean...I was browsing some site and came across this band. I clicked on their myspace (http://www.myspace.com/killola) and I was drawn to'em. They give the impression that they don't give a damn and just have fun. I love it. 060218 ... Twitch I_Wanna_Move_To_LA 060221 ... Twitch Most people think of their lives as a movie... certain things have to prevail (whether it's tragic, romantic, or a typical "Happy_Ending") Is it wrong to think like this? why would I ask something like that...there's no answer other than my own... I'm always looking for shorcuts to deep questions. 060301 ... Twitch I wanna bwe the guy at the parties having fun...and loving everyone. Parties usually contain weed though, and I don't always enjoy the stuff. (My first time I freaked out, though the times since have been better. I hate to ask this...but any tips on how to relax and just enjoy it? A lot of people positively adore this herb, and I want to have the same happy feeling. 060402 ... unhinged do it with people you like and only people you like people you feel comfortable with people who will help you rather than make fun of you if you start to freak only with people you like 060403 ... Twitch damn...i like it a lot now. Ocassionally I get paranoid about my heartbeat...but only if I focus on it. Other than that I'll do funny things and ask myself later what If I just did it...then I laugh. 060526 ... Twitch I need a girl who can clean me up. I've never been lucky with finding a girl who can help me...It's always me helping them. But I figure it should be mutual. Maybe I could help them be more outgoing and they could help me to discipline myself. They always seem nice, until you find out that they have that addiction...or until they call you and tell you they just can't go to there house. 060705 ... Twitch and it was then I realized that nothing really makes sense, because sense is all in my mind. Breaking through the intangible barrier I caught a glimpse...and let's just say it's ALL in my head. To be lonely is not a negaitve thing. I have seen others call it negative and feel that it is appropriate to regard it as they do. Still...I find that I'm only at my happiest when I focus on these stupid things that are inside my head. Being with a pretty girl, joking with my friends, or dreaming about things to come...it really doesn't mean anything. But what is meaning anyway? It's also in my head...maybe it can mean something so long as I think it does. 060716 ... Twitch I want to make myself better, but I'm afraid it's rather difficult. I know that there isn't really a "better" and that all of my feelings don't add up to anything. And it's this kind of deppressing post-modernism truth that can kill my spirit. But what does my spirit mean anyway? Ultimately, I think I have to do things to make myself happy, but no in a hedonistic way...no, now thats not "right." I have to get good grades so I can get somewhere in life. (I don't even know what I want in life to begin with...how can I pursue an education if I don't know what I really want?) Forget it. I'll just study hard so I can transfer to another college (I'm being sent to a community college so my parents can make sure that I really want to "try" and do well - and I certainly agree.) Then I can get out of here and do as I please. That can be my goal for now. 060910 ... Twitch Ah...the good ol' sister blathe to my journal. I never really did give it a purpose...I just always felt a need to keep it tied with _an_anonymous_journal_for_all_to_see. Looking at past blathes I like to think that I've grown a bit...but this probably isn't true. No...In fact I'm almost positive it isn't. Maybe I've learned to express myself in different ways...but I'm still just a child when it comes down to handling my emotions. 060928 what's it to you? who go blather from