john_and_i unhinged for_all_the_days_i_never_knew_you what_we_meant_to_each_other the_presence_ofsilence 050518 ... unhinged for the last couple hours of the golden era of nicole and john, he sat bouncing his foot and i sat trying not to cry and no matter how much we smoked, five minutes later it wasn't enough to stop the tears that threatened to flood and i got up to leave and he followed me to the door 'so you're leaving and you aren't coming back? looks like it's the end of an era.' and his hands wouldn't stay by his side and things that had faded away came back; i wanted to hug him. but i don't hug boys like him anymore. i left cigarette butts of his in illinois and ohio. he called me today to tell me he has to drive back to new jersey this summer and he wants to stop and see me. it wasn't so hard to leave my apartment since for the last months i spent more time in his. 050523 ... unhinged i'm supposed to be the crutch that holds you up the pedestal you stand on the rag that wipes up all the tears i know this utilitarian routine but i'm too selfish for this now i lost too much of myself that way i want someone that can hold me up someone to stand on that can sop up the puddles i leave behind i don't want to hear about the girls you like and want to fuck because believe it or not since most people can't believe it i would like to be the girl that someone would like to fuck but without throwing me out with the condom afterwards do you even care about all of me? i couldn't even hug you it already hurts too much that i'll always only be the friend 050612 ... ~gez~ we played the russian dance or 'russichzer tanse' by oskar bohme in the hall and distracted the music class. we laughed when a tipex pen exploded in his mouth. i cursed when he ran underneath me and escaped while playing football. collaberated to get john through his music course by giving him my old compostition once poked an orange sword in his eye and he spent two days of a family holiday in a dark room with an eye patch. shit all over his hand once when he tried to change me. done back-breaking work recently and earned £130. spent many a night watching crap movies on 5, or episodes of red dwarf had bets on the amount of stationary we could fit into his hair 050612 ... unhinged 'well i think that the great friend level is a couple steps above the partner level.' you always say these things about not wanting to make the same mistake. about how you have regrets about situations in which you were an asshole. is that the rehearsed line you wished you would have said to the last girl that likes you more than you liked them? the process of emotional decay i have is so much faster now. 050613 ... stork daddy have some sympathy for the devil 050613 ... unhinged it's just so hard for me now jimmy to be the friend when i'm empty and aching for something beyond that 050613 ... stork daddy yeah i've dallied there. 050613 ... unhinged i can't talk to you the same anymore. i'm afraid now that i will say things i don't want to. our old banter is nothing but meaningless and i can only hear the damaging_negative_assumptions and how you try too hard to pretend it's still the same. but i wonder how much of last night you remember, since the copious amounts of drugs you do always seem to conviently allow you to forget things you don't want to remember. 050613 ... unhinged you_killed_it 050621 ... sab i cant even connect him and i in the same sentance even quietly, so silently in my head danger sends me skidding to a halt and i back up and run run run run, run run run away but this is not so terrible and i am strong enough to stand here and say john and i 050622 ... unhinged there_there weird how people like to live in denial. but eventually, he stopped calling. and today he calls to tell me he's going to stop by tomorrow on his way to new jersey. i think i'd rather he just drove straight through. 050721 ... unhinged false_love_letters like the kind you send a 'friend' maybe it is my fault we don't talk anymore when you sat on the deck of my parents' house and said 'i missed doing this with you; i'm glad we are doing this' or some stupid shit i wanted to punch you in the face i'm so sick of people missing the distraction i make for them i haven't really called you since you left i can't bare to talk to you anymore 050727 ... unhinged i hope i didn't hang on too tightly maybe i let_go too soon you with your smirk as my eyes darted to the floor standing at the top of the landing watching me walk out the door now i know why i don't hug boys like you anymore the tears an inevitable kneejerk response i wanted to reach out i wanted to help i wanted to hold you but it's easier to walk away when the anger is too fresh for tears the way everyone else sees us not even close because that's part of the game for you maybe i wanted something closer than what the prying eyes assumed and you just wanted to use me to make your mystery me a comfortable part of your shroud i thought you were done in me and then you had to go and hug me 050913 ... unhinged who and what you are so terribly familiar that you couldn't even know 050913 ... unhinged i can't even bear to look at you anymore now that you are fucking her and when you do manage to make time for me now it's not much because you are waiting for her knowing it's not a good idea for the three of us to be together you were probably running low on pot the other night when you asked me to hang out with both of you i should get you and your bitch high interesting i can't even bear to look at you 051030 ... unhinged i need to stop torturing myself with_you 051121 ... unhinged the three of us are slowly melding together like metals enfolding a magnet. it's sad because i want to like her; but it's torturous. all i can see when i look at her is all the things i am not. the reasons that she's better, the reasons that he's with her and not me. when i see the darting looks or the grabbing hands or the condom wrappers or the lube i pretend not to notice, observant_ignorance . but it gets easier for me and unfortunately it's always easier for me when she isn't around. we have been talking indirectly about the two of us; i wish i would just grow the balls to tell him how and why he hurts me. but the day that tore us apart was already six months ago. six months. what's the point in talking about it? what's the point in burdening someone with feelings you know won't be returned? i think in some ways it's better; i feel like we are closer friends because i have to push other feelings out of the way now. i don't really have those other feelings now. but i still hate the way he looks at her. i still get jealous of the way he looks at her, a way he never looked at me, but i still contend that neither of us could have looked that way at anyone back then. why do i always end up the friend? always the friend always alone 051220 ... unhinged your_skin_makes_me_cry 060122 ... unhinged indulge_me but somehow i think i would have a better experience if i went to the sigur_ros show alone. 060401 ... unhinged LESSON LEARNED well the truth it fell so heavy like a hammer through the room that i could choose another over her you always said i was an actor baby i guess in truth you thought me(...) that you never saw the signs that you never lost your grip oh come now that's such a childish claim now i wear the brand of traitor though it seems a bit absurd when it's clear i was so obviously in pain when it's clear i was so obviously framed now you act so suprised to hear what you already know when all you really had to do was ask i would have told you straight away all those lies were true all that was false was fact now you hold me close and hard but i was like a statue at most refusing to acknowledge you'd been hurt now you're clawing at my throat and you're crying 'all is lost' your tears they felt so hot upon my shirt well the truth it fell so heavy like a hammer through the room that i could choose another over her you always said i was an actor baby i guess in truth you thought me just another.... was it you who told me once now looking back it seems so real that all our mistakes are merely grist for a meal so why is it now after i've had my fill would you steal from me the sorrow that i've earned shall we call this a lesson learned? ray_lamontagne 061030 ... . i hate what reality made us but i still wish fervently that I went to sleep woke up everyday smelling you touching you 240511 ... . (same story different john) 240511 what's it to you? who go blather from