n'oubliezpas littlebird i don't know where my bones go when the two of us lie down. we fall together like dollops of batter, viscous limbs merging. elbows and hips, throats and ankles everything fits together. I cannot get uncomfortable alone in my bed, my bones worry my skin from the inside. tender sore spots wake me up and roll me over. pillow under my side, between my knees. nothing feels right but my skin against yours and gone are my bones; my flesh turns to languid taffy. I relax like a fist unclenching, like a tyrant surrendering, like a taut string loosening. I have never slept so well. (sleeping_together) 050727 ... stork daddy kiss me in my living room and fuck me on the porch show me to your dining room, and we'll complicate your best china pattern. open up your dusty cupboards, let's crawl where the knives lie down, show me to your linens drawer, in a sea of bleached stains, we'll float untouched. in the shower, we'll press against the glass door like steam. let's fill the house with us, and fill ourselves with the house. let my memories be rooms, that i have to look for you in. (kiss_me_in_my_living_room) 050727 ... endless desire there is no way to warm the inside and the outside's far to hot. i call upon the most clever parts of my brain. heavy breaths and sad tomorrows leave no choice. worlds are breaking and i feel so cold inside. icy and alone. frozen sleep. that's when i put my mind to work. the closet in the hall contains many coats. warm and thick. made for winters i've never experienced. i pile them on, slowly. one by one. the ice inside me has taken over. speed is a foreign concept. sleeve over sleeve, sweater over sweater, scarves and beanies. i trudge down the narrow hallway once again, to the yellow bathtub. yes, how i've enjoyed that tub throughout the years. shivering cold piled in cloth, i step inside the shower. i crouch down--why, crouch is an ugly word. kneeling there, a twist of the knob containing the "H" scarves, mittens, coats. i pull in a towell or so, just in case. heat pours, soaking my hair, weighing heavy under the baggage. knees to chest, i'm still cold inside. still dead inside. days roll by. he asked me if i had a black eye. "no i just don't sleep." my clever shower experiment was a failure. my hypothesis drenched with me in that steaming shower. i even let the water fill until it dripped over the sides. but nothing suited. i just shivered and sobbed. such an unappealing picture. bunched in a ball of clothing, unable to breathe in the steam. i'm not one to give in though. maybe if i bathe in ice, i will remember warmth again. cold hearts make cold lives and cold tears and cold cries. no wonder i like ice cream. . . the sweet example of what happens when something beautiful dies. (my_clever_shower_experiment) 050727 ... ashmanzhou she was there again today wandering by she glanced up again on her way past just a glance the barest hint of a smile ill wait when she comes back again i saw her again wandering past on the way to the bus stop i think she didnt look my way maybe shell pass tomorrow as well she went by again today she didnt look up didnt smile on her way to the bus maybe she had to go to a meeting she came back early today she didnt look up but when she went down the street she looked back at me i wonder when shell come back tomorrow i have a 'problem' with my smiles if you couldst just see me thou wouldst truly understand so i prefer as probably do others that i not smile and i think she would not hear me even if i shouted (her name?) at her she didnt come for ages and didnt go back the same way she didnt look and i didnt see anyone pay any notice i think she was late she went by again she even looked up smiled and waved and laughed to herself i think ill stay til she goes home again i saw her this morning almost missed her but as she strode past she gave a final look around her shoulder and saw me on my balcony i wonder if shes walking home right now she didnt come the rest of this week i waited for hours though staring into the streams of humanity passing far below me i thought of going down but didnt i hope shes back next week she came back but only in the evening she didnt look up because it was raining all the cars were deadlocked in puddles i hope its fine tomorrow for her didnt happen but still saw her almost missed her because of her raincoat a blocky ugly plastic thing so unlike her ungraceful she came home agin in lighter drizzle but she didnt look up at all i hope the rain goes away she came again in the rain though it lightened up by the time she went back past she looked thoughtful but not up at me ill stay to watch her tomorrow she didnt come yesterday mayhap she was sick or tired or just had something else to do she came today though about ten minutes earlier than usual and went home on the later bus i think she missed the earlier bus and neither time she looked up at me i hope she comes back next week my glasses were delivered this morning ten minutes before she was due to arrive she came today across the street amidst the wave of humanity she looked up laughed waved and then walked away with certain grace silent beauty smiling face i will watch for her this afternoon she came again today walking by going home from work i guess though she didnt look up again i guess one glance a day is more than enough she was walking much more briskly than usual she was two minutes later that before ill sit out here until she returns tomorrow thou art distant 'hey now' for there is many reasons i do not thou i do dream forever of doing just that though thy distance is not thyself one is pure physical-i am four floors up and going down to ground would take to long another is physical though more than that and i why i venture outside not coldly burned into my soul forever see scars_that_make_up_me for detail i see this detail as pure uneeded as i see it in my face every day i saw her today again walking by and again going home she was troubled this afternoon crying inside though outside countenence remained firm to all around her i wonder why she was so worried i will watch for her tomorrow she walked past again silently still emotionally limping along so distant from everyone but herself she looked up not in the morn nor again in the afternoon her mind as mine was turned to other thought i watched then as i shall in my dreams i watched her as she walked she walked not alone she and another woman older more bent walked by and away laughing to themselves she did not look up at me she went home agan alone this time again a darkened self indulging in her own sancity of space i shall watch for her again saw her again today just got back been to hospital for a few days asthma lost my puffer and almost didnt call out closed my eyes and sat in my room to cry anyway i got back today and walking in at the morn saw the woman passing by in flesh just a mere breath away from me she saw me paled to see my face ruined in such close vicious detail but still she waved and hurried away i think i shall sit on my window never again dreaming lost by weight of crushing reality what will she see when passing by and looking up at me? i shall sit in my corner in darkened room empty and try to feel enough to weep i saw her at the supermarket today shopping she saw me and waved smiled her name is sarah she thinks the new floor is nice even though it squeaks all the time when you walk on it and smells like melted plastic she walked past four minutes late this morning she didnt look up at me perched a floor below my old seat she was in a hurry i wonder if she got to work in time (woman_passing_by) 050727 ... AAM my innocence. God knows why.. its a silly thing to hold onto and eventually it dies on its own without the threat of incineration but its the only pure and unflawed thing I posess. (what_would_you_save_if_your_soul_was_on_fire) 050727 ... nocturnal I probably wouldn't notice if it was. but if I did, I'd light a cigarette from the flames and watch it go down. (what_would_you_save_if_your_soul_was_on_fire) 050727 ... Cornerstone fanfrigginabsmolutilytastic . 050728 ... unhinged j'espere que je could oublier 050804 ... pritheemydear must be a different view to be a me with a you (im_on_the_outside_of_love) 050809 ... mahayana mere representations of our powerlessness in the face of time and the elements |rust trinkets of a pendulums masquerade| [time eats away at everything] in the power grid of eden, electricity flows with the confidence of rivers. streams of bacteria, pollution, lava, sentences, words, letters, binary code, acoustic bile, the amniotic fluid of rust-fed chains whose nature bleeds mirror shards like obscene patterns of polymorphous perversity converging with dissoluting minerals of ambivalent meaning...the alchemy of love is a fixation whose liberatory potential can only be realized in a kind of psychogeographical drifting that takes place in the fluidity of flexible environments. follow me through all the itchy twined frays for in my world, where our movements... beyond time... promote the iron rust of sin, chains do not shatter like glass for...["rust is just the metal bleeding"] (rust_is_just_the_metal_weeping) 050810 ... mahayana [i am your wings and they are beating] (write_me_something_about_the_world_not_ending) 050810 ... sab you children are never going to get there at this rate ... sab wanders in dumps three green bucketloads of paper cranes on the floor of blather shrugs and wanders away again (a_thousand_paper_cranes_for_blather) 050810 ... Kate the white candle singalongs with one snare drum the absence of salad dressing how you'd always fold in poker, but if I complained, you would stay in, and I'd win your money toothpicks barefoot Dr. Zhivago mutual smiles (little_things_remind_me_of_you) 050810 ... Borealis rain...we never did waltz. pennies...until I lost the one in my shoe tea before bed chai in any form overly affectionate cats obnoxious drums stale beer taking the lrt watching someone walk with your particular gait. walking_downtown_alone it doesn't hurt anymore...but I'll always miss you. (little_things_remind_me_of_you) 050810 ... Rhin love was driving 45 minutes in the wee hours of the morning to purchase a cherry slurpee, just because you asked for one. love was sleeping on the floor beneath you for an entire year, because you said the sofa was more comfortable for you. love was being entranced just by the mere sight of your face screwed up in concentration. love was me waking up every half hour in the night just to monitor your breathing. love was crying with you. love was enduring month-long Pink Floyd binges. love was us keeping it real, and staying utterly optimistic even when everyone else forgot that you were a human being. love was lying beside you on the roof of a building in the freezing cold for hours just for the mere possiblitiy of seeing one great meteor. love was me reading to you, so that you could hear the story too while you were fishing. love was chasing a sunset with me, and watching you hold your breath in anticipation like a child on christmas morning while i struggled to name it. (what's_love_like_for_you) 050810 ... unhinged sam john_and_i j'espere que je peut oublier 050810 ... unhinged i guess that's why i trusted him in_bed i would watch him kissing me he was always the last one to open his eyes so deep into it it always took him a minute or so to feel me staring at him he hated the word cute but it was the best word for him i still can't figure it out he was such a nice guy except for the whole serial infidelity thing he was always the last to open his eyes i wonder what he thought about (don't_kiss_me_with_your_eyes_open) 050813 ... unhinged HEY phantom the way we used to do that around here back in the day was you put the person's name at the top and then you were 'the repeater' slightly_disturbing_poetic_nicities is flattered but a little disturbed at the same time 050813 ... unhinged or slightly_disturbing_poetic_niceties *grumble**mumble* 050813 ... . Curiously enough, I was going to respond to your grumblings but accidentally clicked the never mind link, and the page to come up was or_something - a sign? Eerie. I tried to give this blathe a disinteresting and inconspicuous name so that people would not find it. I wanted to gather the blathes I didn't want to forget. A personal inventory if you will. I know my actions are controversial, and I do not intend to stop them. I can, however, exclude you from my inventory if you wish, but it will leave a little empty hole where you ought to be. (n'oubliezpas) 050813 ... unhinged that's alright; i'm glad i'm included in your little inventory. it was just a little strange to see that here when i didn't put it here. 050813 ... unhinged it could be worse; you could be starting fights or saying stupid things using my name. ;-) 050813 ... . Oh, I know you better than to try that. 050813 ... IGG a shameful hot flush of embarrassment inadequacy at it's purest. 050905 ... . (crawling_along_your_spine) 050905 ... IGG hmmm i'm in an inventory! it feels weird but cool. i thought someone was posting under my name again and came in here ready to rip the shit out of whoever did it. at least i read it first. feels strangely pleased to be included. 050905 ... sab send help (i_am_trapped_in_an_office) 050908 ... Em you put the lie in believe (you_put_the_ology_in_psychology) 050910 ... dan you put the butt in the butter 050911 ... blueberries for you the lights go down and you step up to the microphone, looking out to the small crowd of people gathered to hear what dwells inside. you realize you have nothing to say that has not already been said a hundred times, but still they sit there waiting. why? maybe because the world is vulnerable, so fragile its individual performers carefully presenting original twists and turns to voices peviously heard. new meanings to old definitions. fresh accentuation to stale utterance. conversational rennaissance. theatrical dialogue. writing on a chalkboard with a crayon and letting the sun melt it in a novel way of erasure. sending handwritten letters on perfumed stationary with envelopes made from watercolor paintings. reading books to children, looking up occassionaly to see eyes fixed, gazes set to a world beyond this one, that they alone create. (so_fragile_its_individual_performers) 050919 ... blueberries for you i sit alone on the bed sheets yet crumpled, pillow still fragrant, memory of our sleeplessness fresh as the parting pain. in the absence of human touch, i am an animal discontented. i am a bird perched on the lonely tree longing. i am a flower struck dead by frost. i am a butterfly with a hole in its wing. bella morte. in the loss of flesh on flesh, when words were sighs and groans, when music was the sound our lips made, when two bodies united to make one explosion. you have gone away, but only time must pass and once again your hair will flow as a river across my chest. after the moon rises and cuts through the thick october clouds like a child with scissors never quite staying on the lines, after the last crickets seranade the end of indian summer with their lilting swan songs, after the shadows of the massive, century old walnut trees paint the leaf stewn grass, after the horses come out of the black night, grey ghosts emerging from silent thunder, moist breath in the outstretched palm. after then, you will return. (in_the_absence_of_human_touch) 050922 ... ever dumbening Urban creeks get shunted and covered, their beds of liquid mesmer corsetted and silenced. It crosses my mind that were the pharmaceutical megacorps to know of their healing, the streams would be erased altogether. I make my way up Codornices Creek by weaving back and forth along the street grid transecting. The creeks are swollen today, calling me with throaty song, their health and mine intertwined. At a small bend, the six-tree stand of coast redwoods holds sway over the parsing of bubbles. My hiking boot soles are glued to the rain soaked bank by physics, by metaphysics. Two more members of The Guild of the Moment - a German Shepherd and his man - sit and contemplate nothing, drugged as I. A runner, a yapping standard Poodle, and refreshed eucalyptus and bay trees showering scent are all drawn here, where muted light and sound perform as expected in any holy place. I bury my face in the wind, now in the role once served by a linen cassock. 050928 ... . (creeks) 050928 ... misstree gravity is strongest at the center of an object. his meat is nice, but not exceptional, visually speaking anyway. this is the case with most males, so it's not surprising. but i remember clearly when i first saw him, that little ezbake oven light going on in the nether regions, the fluttering of a cat's tail involuntary in my chest. nerves are always the truest tell. and i felt like i was staring whenever i looked at him. not fascination and not **** but interest o_yes and entertainment isn't quite the word, it feels cheap, only observer-based, and when the cockles of heart and brain and fuck are tickled like that it is very much a two person affair, even if i feel too high and clumsy and alien and flaky and anything else i can trip myself with to feel like i'm really there, like it's some dumb teenage fantasy cleverly disguised. until now there wasn't a Need. i blame it on my cunt. of course, there are many things connected to it, it being a major organ of sensation that isn't given enough credit for its wiring to emotion and instinct and energy, and i blame all of that wiring as well. but the things you did to it... it's no metaphor and not meant tritely when i say it was magical. the impact carries much further than the bundles of nerves that you play upon. and it's so hard to put my finger on why i am so drawn... but somwhere in that soup is the car door being opened, is the crazy grin and bloody lab coat, is an unexpected hand on my breast, is ink in forearms, is oceans of small subtle difference but the same set of islands, is the beginning of Knowing, is a hand ungentlly repositioning me even as i try to orient myself, is an image unembellished and still blurry, is a taste in my mouth that i can't identify because it is utterly new, but a rare palatable plant... and there was a hunger that i don't understand, that i understand less than the unexpected_opening... even in the midst of unrolling endless, not even crashing waves but constant crest, i hungered for more... maybe i am intrigued because i want to go exploring... (intrigued_by_our_innards) 051016 ... daxle now it's somebody's turn to say blather_is_blather and poo on you for being anonymous and someone should argue against the point and then we should all misunderstand each other and then just when this blathe dies down someone who's been on blather for 5 hours and doesn't understand that it was created 8 years ago should add their piece (love_circles_within_blather) 051024 ... Lemon_Soda Peer pressure will get you in the end. You'll either break down and ask or they'll offer it one to many times and you'll except. The hardest part is they think their showing you a good time, giving you an experience that is fantastic and shouldn't be missed. This is what makes saying No so hard. When this happens, you have to be very careful, because most of the time, all of this stuff feels really good, and its very hard to argue with you body when it likes something. A person without a strong sense of identity can easily substitute one of these substances as a distraction from their own incomplete personna. You decide if you like it on your own. Gets some and take it with a sober friend to watch out for you. Ask them later how you acted and see whether thats the type of person you want to be. Doing it with just a sober freind is important, too. A happy crowd of people doing the same thing can fool you into enjoying something you don't. After you've decided which ones you like, dislike, do research. Find the negative effects of each and really consider if you want to pay those prices, physically, materially, and spiritually. Finally, remember that the majority of these things are controlled substances and just one mistake can land you in jail, whether your guilty or not. Police don't care if your a nice person. (insecure_goth_girl_and_l_s_chat) 051025 ... zeke over the black sky the dawn ripples in another ocean and the waves caress that air, breathing and lower the turtles fly, certain of the way to high plateau of sand and dune where futures rest in the shards of past amongst the flotsam of the present and turtles know the way to leave love's castings in careful hollows buried with an eye to the breakers arms and they escape under moon bright darkness back to their wheeling flight beneath the place where surfaces press and merge and stops (turtles_flying_in_a_dark_sea) 051103 ... meta meta 051213 ... yoink beautiful, untouchable creature swollen in my brain stealing up my heart pounding in my soul ripping at my eyes sitting next to me let me kiss you but i can't but i can't let me kiss you let me kiss you but i can't but i can't let me kiss you hood up in your magical presence wish i was a medieval man, looking for a medieval bride, in such a medieval way. (girl_goes_to_bed_at_ten) 060125 ... blueberries for you the bells rang twelve times in st.michael and i laid the pitchfork down right, walked to towne to see if you were in the deli. if i were to fill my belly, i wanted to fill my sight with you. i asked how you were and as if you were practicing your english you said, "good, how are you?" i looked at your hair tied back, brown with blonde all through it like a thousand kisses from the sun. i wondered what it would look like down and you on top of me, head thrown back, cutting the darkness with the sounds virgins make. (you_on_top_of_me) 060130 ... kingsuperspecial facetious though truthfully not getting any. doesn't bother me for some reason. sex is like alcohol or any other drug. feels good, but only because it kills you ever so slightly. (i__j_u_s_t__c_a_m_e) 060421 ... somebody I... I can't believe I failed... I forgot. ... oh dear. 060429 ... soma who_put_these_bodies_between_us (who_put_these_bodies_between_us) 060725 ... rage you're going to miss me 060807 what's it to you? who go blather from