unexpected_opening misstree when a chakra busts open without attention, well, at least this time it wasn't pretty. i was fasting from sex. had a delightful meal in the middle, but otherwise had been good. needed to refocus energy, gain clarity, and when you're constantly in a fuck_funk, it detracts. there were other odd circumstances surrounding the end of the fast, but they are unimportant. i was afraid, going into it, and didn't understand why. this niggling fear, maybe panic, i don't know, that kept growing, even though pleasure was wracking in the lovely usual way. all of a sudden, misstree's_dam_breaks. floods all. weeping uncontrollably, don't know why. too many memories of recent gushings, all in iowa, all in a house shared with caesar, too many memories of not having control of my brain, my grief, my pain, my fear, my anger, my anything. and i'm right there, just gushing tears and every emotion sweeping me away. and i realize that i am a control_freak. i've been accused of such many times because of my bdsm-related tendencies, but that's not where it manifests. it's not on the outside. it's on the inside. i grew up with a temper that still has scar_signs floating in the world on loved ones. i've always been moody at best, and manic_depressive at worst. but, and for some reason this concept is hard to express, living life the way that i do, there's a lot of shit thrown at you, and like some chaos_surfer, if you let it take you down you drown, you just have to stay focused and balanced though lightning is striking the tip of your board and there's a shark consuming your left arm. you'll grow another. just stay on the board, enjoy the ride. i don't know shit about chakras. but i've known a good handful of people that do, and each and every one of them exclaims in surprise when Feeling, something along the lines of, "why the hell is your throat_chakra locked down so hard?" well. it opened. unexpectedly. and everything i didn't allow myself to feel, all the grief and pain and fear and sadness and small stabs and large gashes that had been waiting patiently at the toll gate came gushing. and i was rendered helpless. and i was even more afraid because the person that i was with has never seen me break, even a little. and suddenly here i was, in this unknowable state where all i could do was sob and apologize and utter incoherencies. and i know it's not fun to be on his end of that. but he held me until he slept, and i realized that, while i had initiated the fast for a reason, i had taken no precautions to herald the end, like the stereotype of drawing a circle when summoning a demon (circles by themselves aren't the trick, and "demon" is a pretty loose term... and it's always best to have a golden_apple on hand, so sayeth pope verthaine in the book_of_eris)... i had focused knowing this energy's power by denial, and laid not the slightest mind to the energy patterns resulting from the end. lesson_learned. lessonS, actually. the control freak, and the dam. i still feel a bit of wide_eyed_wonder at those particular revelations' existence, and hope to chew on them a time before they are replaced in the forefront of me brain. and the one thing i hated most, even more than the unexpected_opening, was the memories that swam along with it. it reminded me of why i had closed, the screaming and tears and the feel of the shovel in my hand and how very terribly much it hurt. maybe one of the cracks in the dam was hearing from him, that he wasn't at the magic shop anymore and was living with the new girl and knowing that he was suffering, and when faced with the suffering of one of my tribe, mine own are nothing, i want to heal, and feeling powerless, but feeling all those old hurts and hates and despairs too, feeling the betrayal that has been a keen knife at the throat for too long, and it makes one a mad_beast, and feeling so alone because i cannot feel, feeling like maybe i really am a monster, and of a type i don't even like to admit to myself, feeling like i was always betraying myself, these words are my church and i have been too long away from worship, writing makes me refeel and taste while not immersed and it makes it all real, it makes it all worth it... why_not_write? i'll go answer that. 050825 what's it to you? who go blather from