n'oubliezpas littlebird i don't know where my bones go when the two of us lie down. we fall together like dollops of batter, viscous limbs merging. elbows and hips, throats and ankles everything fits together. I cannot get uncomfortable alone in my bed, my bones worry my skin from the inside. tender sore spots wake me up and roll me over. pillow under my side, between my knees. nothing feels right but my skin against yours and gone are my bones; my flesh turns to languid taffy. I relax like a fist unclenching, like a tyrant surrendering, like a taut string loosening. I have never slept so well. (sleeping_together) 050727 ... stork daddy kiss me in my living room and fuck me on the porch show me to your dining room, and we'll complicate your best china pattern. open up your dusty cupboards, let's crawl where the knives lie down, show me to your linens drawer, in a sea of bleached stains, we'll float untouched. in the shower, we'll press against the glass door like steam. let's fill the house with us, and fill ourselves with the house. let my memories be rooms, that i have to look for you in. (kiss_me_in_my_living_room) 050727 ... endless desire there is no way to warm the inside and the outside's far to hot. i call upon the most clever parts of my brain. heavy breaths and sad tomorrows leave no choice. worlds are breaking and i feel so cold inside. icy and alone. frozen sleep. that's when i put my mind to work. the closet in the hall contains many coats. warm and thick. made for winters i've never experienced. i pile them on, slowly. one by one. the ice inside me has taken over. speed is a foreign concept. sleeve over sleeve, sweater over sweater, scarves and beanies. i trudge down the narrow hallway once again, to the yellow bathtub. yes, how i've enjoyed that tub throughout the years. shivering cold piled in cloth, i step inside the shower. i crouch down--why, crouch is an ugly word. kneeling there, a twist of the knob containing the "H" scarves, mittens, coats. i pull in a towell or so, just in case. heat pours, soaking my hair, weighing heavy under the baggage. knees to chest, i'm still cold inside. still dead inside. days roll by. he asked me if i had a black eye. "no i just don't sleep." my clever shower experiment was a failure. my hypothesis drenched with me in that steaming shower. i even let the water fill until it dripped over the sides. but nothing suited. i just shivered and sobbed. such an unappealing picture. bunched in a ball of clothing, unable to breathe in the steam. i'm not one to give in though. maybe if i bathe in ice, i will remember warmth again. cold hearts make cold lives and cold tears and cold cries. no wonder i like ice cream. . . the sweet example of what happens when something beautiful dies. (my_clever_shower_experiment) 050727 ... ashmanzhou she was there again today wandering by she glanced up again on her way past just a glance the barest hint of a smile ill wait when she comes back again i saw her again wandering past on the way to the bus stop i think she didnt look my way maybe shell pass tomorrow as well she went by again today she didnt look up didnt smile on her way to the bus maybe she had to go to a meeting she came back early today she didnt look up but when she went down the street she looked back at me i wonder when shell come back tomorrow i have a 'problem' with my smiles if you couldst just see me thou wouldst truly understand so i prefer as probably do others that i not smile and i think she would not hear me even if i shouted (her name?) at her she didnt come for ages and didnt go back the same way she didnt look and i didnt see anyone pay any notice i think she was late she went by again she even looked up smiled and waved and laughed to herself i think ill stay til she goes home again i saw her this morning almost missed her but as she strode past she gave a final look around her shoulder and saw me on my balcony i wonder if shes walking home right now she didnt come the rest of this week i waited for hours though staring into the streams of humanity passing far below me i thought of going down but didnt i hope shes back next week she came back but only in the evening she didnt look up because it was raining all the cars were deadlocked in puddles i hope its fine tomorrow for her didnt happen but still saw her almost missed her because of her raincoat a blocky ugly plastic thing so unlike her ungraceful she came home agin in lighter drizzle but she didnt look up at all i hope the rain goes away she came again in the rain though it lightened up by the time she went back past she looked thoughtful but not up at me ill stay to watch her tomorrow she didnt come yesterday mayhap she was sick or tired or just had something else to do she came today though about ten minutes earlier than usual and went home on the later bus i think she missed the earlier bus and neither time she looked up at me i hope she comes back next week my glasses were delivered this morning ten minutes before she was due to arrive she came today across the street amidst the wave of humanity she looked up laughed waved and then walked away with certain grace silent beauty smiling face i will watch for her this afternoon she came again today walking by going home from work i guess though she didnt look up again i guess one glance a day is more than enough she was walking much more briskly than usual she was two minutes later that before ill sit out here until she returns tomorrow thou art distant 'hey now' for there is many reasons i do not thou i do dream forever of doing just that though thy distance is not thyself one is pure physical-i am four floors up and going down to ground would take to long another is physical though more than that and i why i venture outside not coldly burned into my soul forever see scars_that_make_up_me for detail i see this detail as pure uneeded as i see it in my face every day i saw her today again walking by and again going home she was troubled this afternoon crying inside though outside countenence remained firm to all around her i wonder why she was so worried i will watch for her tomorrow she walked past again silently still emotionally limping along so distant from everyone but herself she looked up not in the morn nor again in the afternoon her mind as mine was turned to other thought i watched then as i shall in my dreams i watched her as she walked she walked not alone she and another woman older more bent walked by and away laughing to themselves she did not look up at me she went home agan alone this time again a darkened self indulging in her own sancity of space i shall watch for her again saw her again today just got back been to hospital for a few days asthma lost my puffer and almost didnt call out closed my eyes and sat in my room to cry anyway i got back today and walking in at the morn saw the woman passing by in flesh just a mere breath away from me she saw me paled to see my face ruined in such close vicious detail but still she waved and hurried away i think i shall sit on my window never again dreaming lost by weight of crushing reality what will she see when passing by and looking up at me? i shall sit in my corner in darkened room empty and try to feel enough to weep i saw her at the supermarket today shopping she saw me and waved smiled her name is sarah she thinks the new floor is nice even though it squeaks all the time when you walk on it and smells like melted plastic she walked past four minutes late this morning she didnt look up at me perched a floor below my old seat she was in a hurry i wonder if she got to work in time (woman_passing_by) 050727 ... AAM my innocence. God knows why.. its a silly thing to hold onto and eventually it dies on its own without the threat of incineration but its the only pure and unflawed thing I posess. (what_would_you_save_if_your_soul_was_on_fire) 050727 ... nocturnal I probably wouldn't notice if it was. but if I did, I'd light a cigarette from the flames and watch it go down. (what_would_you_save_if_your_soul_was_on_fire) 050727 ... Cornerstone fanfrigginabsmolutilytastic . 050728 ... unhinged j'espere que je could oublier 050804 ... pritheemydear must be a different view to be a me with a you (im_on_the_outside_of_love) 050809 ... mahayana mere representations of our powerlessness in the face of time and the elements |rust trinkets of a pendulums masquerade| [time eats away at everything] in the power grid of eden, electricity flows with the confidence of rivers. streams of bacteria, pollution, lava, sentences, words, letters, binary code, acoustic bile, the amniotic fluid of rust-fed chains whose nature bleeds mirror shards like obscene patterns of polymorphous perversity converging with dissoluting minerals of ambivalent meaning...the alchemy of love is a fixation whose liberatory potential can only be realized in a kind of psychogeographical drifting that takes place in the fluidity of flexible environments. follow me through all the itchy twined frays for in my world, where our movements... beyond time... promote the iron rust of sin, chains do not shatter like glass for...["rust is just the metal bleeding"] (rust_is_just_the_metal_weeping) 050810 ... mahayana [i am your wings and they are beating] (write_me_something_about_the_world_not_ending) 050810 ... sab you children are never going to get there at this rate ... sab wanders in dumps three green bucketloads of paper cranes on the floor of blather shrugs and wanders away again (a_thousand_paper_cranes_for_blather) 050810 ... Kate the white candle singalongs with one snare drum the absence of salad dressing how you'd always fold in poker, but if I complained, you would stay in, and I'd win your money toothpicks barefoot Dr. Zhivago mutual smiles (little_things_remind_me_of_you) 050810 ... Borealis rain...we never did waltz. pennies...until I lost the one in my shoe tea before bed chai in any form overly affectionate cats obnoxious drums stale beer taking the lrt watching someone walk with your particular gait. walking_downtown_alone it doesn't hurt anymore...but I'll always miss you. (little_things_remind_me_of_you) 050810 ... Rhin love was driving 45 minutes in the wee hours of the morning to purchase a cherry slurpee, just because you asked for one. love was sleeping on the floor beneath you for an entire year, because you said the sofa was more comfortable for you. love was being entranced just by the mere sight of your face screwed up in concentration. love was me waking up every half hour in the night just to monitor your breathing. love was crying with you. love was enduring month-long Pink Floyd binges. love was us keeping it real, and staying utterly optimistic even when everyone else forgot that you were a human being. love was lying beside you on the roof of a building in the freezing cold for hours just for the mere possiblitiy of seeing one great meteor. love was me reading to you, so that you could hear the story too while you were fishing. love was chasing a sunset with me, and watching you hold your breath in anticipation like a child on christmas morning while i struggled to name it. (what's_love_like_for_you) 050810 ... unhinged sam john_and_i j'espere que je peut oublier 050810 ... unhinged i guess that's why i trusted him in_bed i would watch him kissing me he was always the last one to open his eyes so deep into it it always took him a minute or so to feel me staring at him he hated the word cute but it was the best word for him i still can't figure it out he was such a nice guy except for the whole serial infidelity thing he was always the last to open his eyes i wonder what he thought about (don't_kiss_me_with_your_eyes_open) 050813 ... unhinged HEY phantom the way we used to do that around here back in the day was you put the person's name at the top and then you were 'the repeater' slightly_disturbing_poetic_nicities is flattered but a little disturbed at the same time 050813 ... unhinged or slightly_disturbing_poetic_niceties *grumble**mumble* 050813 ... . Curiously enough, I was going to respond to your grumblings but accidentally clicked the never mind link</