anorexia Samantha I hate food. It is mortal enemy. I am at war with food. People take the little things of normalcy for granted. Like just sitting down to eat a sandwich. I have to analyze the situation and such things. Even the gnawing in my stomach is not a factor. 001108 ... j_blue what could be called mediated anorexia seems to be the only way to stay thin anymore. you think about what your eating, if you can afford it, and what you will do about it later. you do this for the rest of your life. the alternative is getting fat, becoming unhealthy, becoming ugly, unattractive. and this is what there is to look forward to, until medical science frees us, if it ever will. 001108 ... zawura hi i just seen your site. i am a recovered anorexic/Bulmic. I still have bad days , I suppose you never totally get out of it, its always there inside to a certain extent. I like to think i am better though. I know what you must be going through. I dont really know if you want help or not. if you'd like to talk, email me. 010514 ... nochoice what website?? im very intrested, let me know 010515 ... eli I want to stay in my anorexia. I want to be clean and empty. I like it. Anyone else know what I mean? 010810 ... Stewy_3 I am a beginner to the whole anorexia lifestyle, and I would really like to talk to someone who knows what they're doing. I guess what I'm really looking for is support, and helpful tips. Please...anything is better than nothing at this point. 011123 ... nocturnal as awful as it is, goddamn I wish I were anorexic sometimes. but then I wouldn't be about to go enjoy delicious guacamole and the best cheese enchilada in existence at taqueria right now. I just love food too much. 011123 ... ClairE disease withered ugly years and years Anya got through it and ended up model beautiful. Kate is still fighting. feminism, I guess. 011126 ... Annie111 sometimes i wish i could be. the emptiness is a good feeling, often, but i never last with it. It is so Jesus, or something. Other times, and mostly, i think, "my god that is disgusting." Don't worry about me. It's cool. 011127 ... Dis This is the shell where he once lived. Such a myth, really, that wasting is a disease of the gentler sex. His demons were no less restless, and his suffering gave them comfort. Unsettled, contrary creature that he was, he indulged in asceticism until he was a sliver. I did not know him then, but I know him now. Here, on the other side, past starvation and binging and the hatred of self, he is stronger. His body, which I can only imagine was once a testament to unyielding destitution and discipline, has a softness that I cherish. 011127 ... ClairE I can honestly say I have NEVER wished to be. EVER. : ( Sometimes life makes me feel : ( 011128 ... ClairE the second little guy had mad eyebrows, like this: : ( perhaps 011128 ... ClairE Oh, crap, you know what I mean. 011128 ... little fury bug the growling and gnawing in your stomach, almost orgasmic in a sick twisted manner...maybe the noises scare the fat away. and the emptiness means clean and pure. it's crazy. i'll never do it again. 020618 ... distorted tendencies I feel so clean.. So calm. 020919 ... Sarah from Australia Melbourne! To all the people out there that know that they are anorexic or a friend of someone with this disease, never give up on them! Remind them that theres always someone to talk to and show them your unconditional love and support. Mention that you are worried and only want to help them because you love them. 021022 ... distorted tendencies anorexia_nervosa 021022 ... megan my friend was. god, it was so depressing. i asked her about it once, and she yelled at me. this girl that had been a base on the cheerleading squad, this girl that could bench more than the guys in our grade, and this girl that was my absolute best freind. she took out an energy /diet bar when i asked her as if to prove to herself she was fine somehow... i went home and cried that night. i didn't know what to do. people, please do not think you want to be anorexic. it destroys lives and people, and it is just horrible. there's not a word low enough to describe it. i wanted to strangle it out of her, but it took weeks of prayers and chats and finally lots of tears one night and many years of doctor's visits to make it somewhat normal and OK. but she's still struggling and always will be because it is a part of her. and she hates that, and i hate that and her family hates that and her boyfriend hates that and all our friends hate that. so please... keep eating. it hurts too many people not to. 021124 ... the great goddess I can fly away. Light as air am I. A fairy. So thin that no-one can see me. So thin that no-one can hurt me anymore. So thin... And it will never change. I'll be thinner, and thinner, until I completely disappear... Thinness, I love it so. Ana, please don't leave me. 030106 ... stork daddy the waxing and waning of not being enough, of being too much. there's a critic in the corner of every mirror and there are sharp pointed tongues which withdraw at the serrated edges of your jutting ribs. the thiness spreads first from your stomach and then out through your legs and your arms. it feels pleasurable, there is nothing dead in your body, there is no buffer, everytime you move you can feel it everywhere. there is nothing unresponsive or thick, only the horror show of bone and muscle, the aggresiveness, the bare survival. but then the thiness spreads to your eyes, clouds them. you've forgotten what it feels like to not be starving, you live in a world unlike that of others. and people say, you fool, don't you know you have a choice, other people are starving through no fault of their own, but you know you don't really have a choice, you see yourself in the mirror weak, you see the people smiling at your body and you know something is being robbed from you, you know you are hungry but there is no hope, no escaping the blight the tyrant within and without has put on the ungreening landscape of your body. 030106 ... ascetic middleweight what starts as discipline, becomes laziness, a reckless wanton loss of control. 030106 ... miss empathy People forget that men can be anorexic too. It hurt me inside everyday to see him deny himself, buying everything so small, his cheekbones so sharp it almost cut when I ran my fingers across them. They forget the men who are trapped by this disease. They forget. 030425 ... splinken I used to read this diaryland diary written by a teenage Australian girl. It was all about cool boys who made her cry and anorexia. What kept me reading was the cool boys, the anorexia, and the fact that according to the dates on some of the entries, she and I had occasionally been in some of the same places on the same days -- this was all over a year after I'd come home, you see, and I was feeling nostalgic. the diary ended in september of 2001, and was wiped out during the Great Diaryland Inactive Diary Purge of 2003. I hope she didn't die. 030530 ... girl_jane reminds me of seventh grade...I eat now. 030530 ... rubydee this drug this high growl hiss shake this is definitely one of the bad_things_i_have_done 030619 ... KatyB the year i was anorexic was the best year of my life. God how I wish I could go back. 030803 ... oby you can!. 030803 ... thin i have it to 030828 ... pixxie how much do u weigh 030828 ... pixxie how much do u weigh 030828 ... darkocean is the twised hell that we with anorexia go through every day... I can't even have a single grape with out hating my self for eating it. Put that together bulimia and you get dizzy, weak, severe teath sensitivity to hot/cold ... and more fun stuff. Not to mention the fact that ana & mia's hearts can give out at any given moment from lack of potassium. The only "joy" I get from these disorters is seeing my belly & hips shrink :-) 031009 ... knot meat oh but to see that scale balance. as if you could stop in that moment, as if the last pictures were then took. the band cued up while everyone is smiling, while your pulse can be seen in your hips. you tell yourself it's a means to an end. in the shower your skin is raw where others skin is raw, around your ears, at your temples. the regular matburns. but you share more with those whose stomach is twisting behind into ribs. and winning another match is just an excuse to do it again. to balance all of those days into a zero, into a perfect stillness as everyone looks on, a confounding of their machines and their standards. 031009 ... bluten it always worked. until you realize it's never enough. never enough, until you are nothing. 031026 ... bluten it always worked. until you realize it's never enough. never enough, until you are nothing. 031026 ... Nancy Dear Pro-Ana: We are two women (one of whom has been AnA for 30 years) who are interested in making a documentary that portrays life from the point of view of several people who are pro-ana. We believe, especially after the rise of anti-pro ana groups and negative articles in the press has led to the shut down of internet sites and exchange of information, that it is time for the ideas of those who are actively pro-ana be heard and better understood by a general public. The combination of our credentials and personal perspectives should serve as evidence that our approach to this film would not be exploitative or sensational, but rather honest and sensitive. Its primary objective would be to give a voice to an often- misunderstood group and to raise public consciousness that Pro Ana is not only a right, but also IS a very real part of today’s socio-cultural makeup. We do not want to make a film that would in any way exploit or pass judgment on those with ed, but rather to invite the public to open their minds toward a greater understanding and tolerance of those with eating disorders. Kate is an award-winning documentary filmmaker who is known for her in-depth and passionate portrayals of people who are traditionally scorned by society. Her film "Southern Comfort" won over 24 awards, including the Grand Jury Prize at Sundance. Nancy has a successful career in fashion and publishing as an editor, writer, and publicist. She became anorexic when she was 10 and has battled EDs for 30 years. She feels strongly that those who are pro-ana have valid concerns that should be heard, not squelched. RE: our credentials. As we have no people to be in the documentary yet, we have not approached a backer, however we are confident that one or two of our options will be very interested. So, while we will not be able to provide you with Something from a film company, both Kate and I do have proof of our credentials and are more than willing to meet interested parties in a safe, public place to present them. Re: Requirements for participation: If you have been diagnosed with “clinical” anorexia or bulimia, live in the United States and are Pro Ana. *(if you are under 18 for any film you would have to have a parent or guardian sign a release) If you are pro-ana or are part of a group of pro-anas with the qualifications mentioned above, and who may want to explore this idea further with us, please feel free to contact us at the addresses below. Obviously, this project would depend on a strong, trusting relationship between filmmakers and those in the film, and we would be happy to provide additional information, answer questions and brainstorm etc. either via email, in person, or over the phone. Sincerely, Kate and Nancy (qball@nyc.rr.com and myisis61@aol.com ) 040310 ... white_wave oh, they are so pretty on the glossy pages of the magazine. but i see one in real_life and i think "aren't you hungry?" 040311 ... uhanei it's the endless pursuit of the unattainable 040311 ... kipper THat you Nance? Missed ya babes...... 040318 ... Teenage Jesus Anorexia (My Baby's Got) Der Faction 1984 My baby's got anorexia She don't like food The doctor says it's just a complexia Says it's just a mood My baby's got a case of weight loss She don't eat breakfast or lunch She looks like dental floss And that ain't much She she she's got Anorexia She she she's got Anorexia She she she's got Anorexia She she she [solo] repeat all/ end 040318 ... darkocean you think that geting down to 105 will make you happy, but when you do its not enough, got to get down to 100, then 90. So houngry gobbling down 20 - 30 cokkies & milk, it off to the bath room again... :( 040325 ... oldephebe d.l. lawrence starved himself into an early grave...he felt he wrote better when empty...and it's true..for me i always write better sleep deprived and and not really starving or missing the food..but just you know clean and empty..and it feels like my mind is hurtling thru space... 040326 ... pfah! er that's d.H. lawrence 040326 ... no one can hear i can't look at her now cause i ask myself how did this shit get so bad did she like what she had and i hate that i hate but you know i can't stop when her waist starts to shrink and her weight starts to drop and the mop on her head hides her hollowed out eyes sunken cheeks below led to knees wider than thighs and no one else knows or else no one else cares i get so fucking scared when i see her legs bare i'm ashamed to admit that amidst all this shit that it's hate that i feel and i can't fucking deal this irate jealousy it's been getting to me though i'm not anorexic it seems to come next it's been creeping on me since 1993 and they wanna know why kids are looking to die when we're daily bombarded with media garbage this plastic perfection don't need no protection don't want you to touch me it's like aldous huxley what we love's gonna kill us while tv shows drill us with what looks are hot our best friends start to rot and i said truthfully it's not gonna be me but the tables have turned i don't like what i've learned i can't talk i just listen get it out of my system it's not gonna happen i can't even imagine i can't tell the truth not even to you it got into my home this golden girl syndrome so i hate and i hide bottled all up inside i don't show my emotion there's no magic potion there's no easy fix for these anorexics and i can't close my eyes to the pain and the lies and there's sticks and there's stones but she's all skin and bones... i don't like what i see it's not gonna be me but i will need your help i can't do this myself the first step is to cry without tears you can't dry now just don't say a word and forget what you heard cause it's all just a lie i don't share i deny an anonymous sister's cry 040330 ... jane yeah oe i wrote something about how when i hadn't eaten or slept in three days all of my emotions were raw, untainted. so i can understand that point of view. also if you think about it food affects your dreams so the chemicals clearly have an effect on your brain & consequently your thinking 040331 ... from a cloister on Mount Athos True 040421 ... elisabeth42 When I first heard this word, it pulled me into it. Anorexia. What is it about that word? It's very magnetic. The eating issues had been there forever. The label came unexpected. This is what I have when I have nothing else. I can let it go for awhile, but it's always with me, I can always go back to it. 110 lbs. 100 lbs. 90 lbs. 80 lbs. 70 lbs... 60 lbs, 50 lbs... death? I don't know, when will it stop? When something else comes along to fill the void? I'll always be anorexic. 040522 ... elisabeth42 Actually, anorexia is a cruel jester. Not a goddess, not a lifestyle, not a club. It beckons you with empty promises, and once it has your full attention it manipulates you physically and mentally. Smiling all the way. Anorexia sits on a pedestal and plays you like a marionette. You feel its control over you, you feel it as your own control over life. If the strings aren't severed, you'll end up worn out, lifeless. What else is there? I sometimes wonder. What could replace my anorexia, and still fill the void? I can't describe it. For me, it's about changing my pace to flow perfectly with the pace of life and cosmic energy. It's about opening up and having trust. You may see it differently. You can see it though. It's simplicity. It's Intangible. 040522 ... FEeLin PiNK what once was there now lost in a hurricaine of doctors 040527 ... jenny I wear a mask which no one can see, there is one girl and she has it all but the other hides, she does not love she does not smile she is not nice but yet they still love her. No one looks close enough to realise that I'm a bad bad bad person who starves away her feelings but because they live in the dark they still love me. I don't want to be perfect and I hate that other girl so blonde so thin so beautiful she just is'nt me or is she? The only way to keep alive is to hide behind this mask of self obsession and I don't mind because I don't care any more 040602 ... HellBentWolf Darla should switch her obsession to starvation rather than filling up her empty spaces and depression with junk food. It will be prescribed that she must become nearly anorexic and he still may not want her but she must do it anyway to be clean, to be pure and almost perfect as in perfection of body frame with no fat. No guilt, no impurities, he still won't talk to her, but she must rather die thin than FAT. Darla told me this. She said, "Fat is ugly and gross," I made no comment because her statement was rude and unsophisticated. 040602 ... jolie laide I had a hole in my heart so I threw away my plate Because ntohing filled me up no matter what I ate. 040615 ... x twisted x a cruel friend. 040704 ... Whitni When you look in the mirror you always wish that you could do something to change what your body looks like...You wish you were thiner and nothing more, but then everyday you say okay I am not going to eat as much, but then you eat just as much and if not more. All is you really want to do is be thin is that such a crime not at all. So I became anorexic with my best friend so if we ever needed help or support we would just go jogging and bring water. I love the empty feeling of no food in the stomach but I like puking food up if I ever was to get an uncontrollable craving for something because then your soul just feels so relieved of that, that food isn't going anywhere except in the toilet. I love being anorexic/bulemic its the best thing in the world... 040722 ... Irina I dont have anorexia. But I have another problem. I am bulemic and it is my fault... at first everything seemed cool... I lost waith very quickly... as I am continuing... I am 178cm tall... for one month ago I was 61kilos... Then I started to throw up everything I ate... now I am 55kilos... Whats going to happend to me? 040905 ... mary white I can't say, but hopefully you get better. I'm sick of being criticized by people just because I am a vegetarian. I'm NOT anorexic. I don't like to eat animal products and shouldn't be picked on for it. 040905 ... no reason http://www.livejournal.com/community/proanorexia/ it's really sad and scary. they're coming to treat it like some underground trend or group. 040914 ... hsg two separate entities 040920 ... hsg one supports the idea of percieved helplessness the other is for the idea of being thinner than what is socially acceptable 040920 ... Punna i'm new to this, and already i'm despising food. i feel like i should be eating more, but i know how i feel when i do eat more. disgusting. fat. ugly. i hope i will get past this stage. 041110 ... magicforest Please stop before it gets out of control... 041110 ... Hajera more delicious than all the world. unbeleivably pious. euphoric in every sense of every word...ecstacy. no, better. infinitely better...{i've tried ecstacy a couple of times and there's no way it comes even close to the rewards of fasting] those who aren't anorexic or don't fast have no right to judge, as they couldn't possibly, POSSIBLY fathom it* 041204 ... stork daddy overeating yourself into a food coma produces euphoria as well, but i wouldn't suggest that all the time either. and i've done both. 041204 ... applegirl starvation is morphine and the drugs that starve your brain diseased like worms in apples so they don't eat them death it is coming out from underneath her chalky skin and cloudy clouded eyes 041212 ... torn my emptiness feeds me their eyes smile at my beauty their mouths shame me for my actions. i feel myself melting melting, until i am nothing just a wisp of a once full cloud. i smile thinking of this. they do not know how i see how i feel my nothingness gives me life i exist. it holds me, hugs me, encircles me with love. 041212 ... jessiejlh waisting 050425 ... Piso Mojado It's an epidemic that no one talks about. They say it's a 'mental disorder'- the deadliest kind, yet I think there's more to it than that. How many thousands are dying right now? How many preteen girls are counting their calories and looking disapprovingly at themselves in the mirror? 050425 ... . http://www.facetheissue.com/anorexiamovie.html 050425 ... darkocean Can't you see the pain i'm in? Or must I become like like a skelton with skin? If only I could speek with my mouth instead of my body...recovery? with what? cant get teh cute, cant get the help if you dont have cash. cry a river.. 050514 ... darkocean Can't you see the pain i'm in? Or must I become like like a skelton with skin? If only I could speek with my mouth instead of my body...recovery? with what? cant get the cure, cant get the help, if you dont have cash. Cry a river.. 050514 ... jenny t. Perfect 90 pound bastards. For now you are better than me but soon i will melt away. my soul can wrench itself free from my body as light and as high as a balloon. high from pure starvation. 050723 ... you.me.who? elbows on the table bruises, again. knees on floor as i do pushups ten million times. bruises. stand up. dizzy. eyes see a million rainbow colors 050723 ... posie start thinking of the world, your impact on it, what you can do to fix it or at least to make it more palatable... start outside of yourself and work the circle back to your core eat to sustain your life because you can be of use to others give up the idea of control give up the way it feels to be empty hollow will never complete you give of yourself instead of taking yourself away 050724 ... belle de jour My dear life long friend. How have you been? Lets go have a diet coke and talk about old times. We need to get together more often. 050818 ... andru235 if i have jested about the available puns, it is not *completely* out of disrespect; i weigh 30 lbs less than i, a 72" male, should, although for other reasons than this... at any rate, where's the love? we aren't ready for nukes or the moon as long as our beautiful, sumptuous daughters are ceasing to eat, in pursuit of a skeletal, famished look. 051116 ... Piso Mojado the_owl_was_a_baker's_daughter 051116 ... Maisie hello i want to become anerexic but i don't know how to start plzzzzzzzzzz help me. my email addy is resoluteSugar_12_@hotmail.co.uk 060314 ... IGG excuse me? is this a joke? you make me realy angry. 060314 ... angry IGG never types well really* 060314 ... Skinny chik i love it i am so skinny and proud 060501 ... Skinny chik i love it i am so skinny and proud 060501 ... Skinny chik i love it i am so skinny and proud 060501 ... youd probably be suprised who i am. sometimes, i just don't want to eat. it not to do with being thinner, it's just that.... i don't know. sometimes it seems such an effort to go and get food. i'm very rarely hungry, but most of the time i do eat. if i didn't have my partner, then i would never eat. i was on my own for a few days a while ago. i got really depressed and didn't eat anything at all for three or four days. i visibly lost weight. i almost went over the edge again. i don't think it's anorexia, it's just a chronic loss of apetite when i get depressed. sighs. 060501 ... non fasting heals. you intuitively know this. 060513 ... who cares I picture myself sort of like one of those chisled, mostly-computer-animated warriors in the movie 300, standing alone facing a battle with 500,000 enemies. I've been fighting them off, for now, but I don't know how long it's going to be before I. give. up. give in. I just want to be skinny. 070327 ... ? are you prowd to hate yourself ? 070327 ... who cares why would I be? 070328 ... ! why don't you simply learn to love yourself ? if you starve yourself ... it pretty much means you want to die. look what you do to otherpeople around you.. the people that love you... don't you think that they care what you are doing to yourself ? its a mind game .. choose to win it. 070328 ... x It is cleaner than fat. Look what fat does to everyone around you and YOU ! 070328 ... ~lazarys~ gauntlet. shadows and rings. air gushing through insides. purged. suffer, you fools. hell is inside me. 070417 ... kuffsleeve well, i've got a diet book... you just eat meat to lose weight. urrr... i tried it for two days a few years back... got confussed at the size 0 models... its really gross when you stop loving yourself. i think i will give up meat after my snail incident yesterday. you need to eat good things to survive... if you want to kill yourself do it quickly... you will harm someone though because there are people that love you. 070417 ... me If I thought of the people who loved me back then I thought of the people who never said a thing. Stared and said nothing. Scared to intervene. Scared it might be catching. Scared I might take their time, subtract from their fun, open their eyes to how this world can hurt a girl. .. I didn't know what I was doing but boy it felt good. bones and freedom and for once for once a silent silent mind... there were no thoughts only intermittent calculations. no emotions. just a vague awareness of the fact that I was watching myself from some other place. Oh look , I'm moving awfully slowly, gee, how amusing, look at that the veins are like blue tentacles running down my arms.. how amusing. wow. cool. how interesting. gosh I'm cold. I had better check there is enough lettuce for dinner. hmm. look at that, everyone else is getting about in singlet tops and shorts, gee , I guess it is hot. How embarassing, I had better pretend, I'll wear one jumper instead of two. that'll make them think I'm normal. oh anorexia. how I loved your simplicity. how easy life was with you. so straightforward. so clear cut and precise. how I hate messy struggles and emotions and omg the depression of dealing with reality in a healthy body. I need you as my armour from the poverty of this world. 071011 ... tail-devouring snake now that i am creating life, am i free for the first time in over 10 years from the claws of anorexia. sometimes i knew it, but even when i thought i was eating well and accepting my body, i was adhering to the rules, regulations, prescriptions, fears, anger, relief, hunger, glamour, rigidity of anorexia. disease. virus of the mind. overlay keeping me from feeling my vibrancy, from being freed from shame and anxiety. i didn't know, not really. i was blind to myself. 150223 what's it to you? who go blather from