letter_to_sean jane dear sean, you just don't get it. and it's not even your fault. you don't know what i talked to blaise about just a minute ago. you don't know how i talked to him about you. about how i'm not satified and something is missing. about how you don't care enough about me to say fuck society. how i care too much about you, and the lack of reciprocation of the fact. how i used to be such a hard-hitting single chick, and i gave that up for you. i do love you. you don't even love me. how we're not even really together. i'm just not happy. because you have no passion. for anything. 020815 ... eddie what up 020815 ... jane what about sean 020817 ... eddie sounds like a good guy sean maybe you need to try a little harder to make him love you or leave you 020817 ... jane tried last night to leave him but he was drunk so i decided it wasn't fair to either of us...and wanted to save myself from having to explain it later in case he forgot...so i took advantage of him all night came home at seven in the morning and got four hours of sleep before the light crept in yellow through the window anyway do you feel threatened? because i don't want you to feel like that at all. just let me know, ok? 020817 ... eddie monster ummm, how should i put this? if i knew you, personally, at this point the feeling would be jealousy or betrayed for being led on. i am a puddle of emotion that is constantly walked threw. my emotions splash this way and that, usually without any consolation from me. who am i to speak about the things going on in your life. but understand that when i see or feel something that is in some miniscule way a part of my life, there is a reaction. that is all. i'm glad you listen. i have to remember you are a screen with a heart though. 020818 ... jane at this point 23 [that's what blaise calls sean] is there i think until something else comes along because right now something is missing so understand that my "leading people on" is in no way playing games i am trying to see if one or another is what is to come along following...? i understand [re]actions i am a catalyst for many i'm more than just a screen with a heart if you let me show you more will you 020819 ... eddie monster your a 16 year old screen with a heart and a little more i don't like the idea of being the person that's around until you find something better i wish i could find a piece of meat to stick my dick in till i found my betty 020819 ... jane your decision, you understand i wasn't implying that you would be the one that would be there until something else came along i was asking you if you were what i had been waiting for 020820 ... eddie monster probably. could you wait two more years? 020821 ... please understand jail bait 020821 ... jane didn't stop sean from taking my virginity he turned 23 in may but yes i understand although it's not a crime to interact with me 020822 ... jane dear sean, you're in japan and we're "on a break" [whatever the hell that means] does that mean we can be unfaithful? or does that completely rip the word "unfaithful" from my relationship vocabulary? does that mean that you're going to come back and i'll tell you what you told me when i got back from new york that i missed you more than i expected to? and are you thinking this whole time the same thing i was thinking in new york: that you aren't missing me as much as you thought you should? well, spare me the pity, baby. i don't know if i want to know how you feel. love, me 020909 ... e i could tell you how i feel but i think you already know 020909 ... love no, please tell me because i would hate to think that i'm right j. 020909 ... but not your sean sean's hott 020910 ... e always trust your first instinct 020910 ... sweetheart of the song tra bong Dear Sean, Sometimes I get so confused. I just wish you'd stay true to yourself. You keep changing so quickly...I don't know if I can keep up with you anymore. I don't know what you want anymore. That's hard for me, you know? What am I supposed to do when my friends ask me about you? Everyone wants to know what you're doing now. I don't even know what I'm supposed to say when you call. Sean? Puff Daddy? Puffy? P. Diddy? Figure out what you want, and when you make up your mind, maybe then we can work things out. 020910 ... blue stars on a sugar binge Dear Sean Thank you for saving wallace and gromit. You are the cutest sheep I have ever seen and I want to be your live-in lover. 020910 ... jane i did it again and this time it was more or less intended (more). in one sense, i am ashamed of myself, but, as we observed before, we ask ridiculous things of each other. in some sense i feel like you "pushed me into the arms of another man," but sometimes i realize that i really do love you, even though we're not in love, however important that may prove. i know that i care about you, so why do i keep hurting you? when i hurt you i hurt myself as well (self-destructive behavior). 021010 ... silentbob dear sean im sorry i spelled your name wrong in my concert_journal thank you for talking to me and being my friend. thank you for driving my car. thank you for allowing me to remain calm when my car fucked up love ya bunches! bobby 021010 ... jane dear sean, hi, it's me. i just wanted to ask you a question. (a few, really) what happened? what changed between us? why did it het so serious (and not in the good way)? i just want to have fun again. to eat cookies n cream ice cream in your bed at two in the morning. make each other laugh. burn cd's for each other. i miss the nights that skip the talking and go straight to the making love but also the long talks the intensity it died 021014 ... not a groupie Dear Sean, I just don't get it. You crazy boys who love to love what doesn't love you in return. Oh well, no biggie. It could've been fun. You're still zexy. 021014 ... jane my opaque hurts really badly i feel like john cusack in high fidelity when he loses it all "dignity, faith, fifteen pounds, any small idea of personal identity that i had aquired up to that point." walking along a deserted street in the rain screaming out i actually couldn't take it anymore and i screamed in my car turned up "behind blue eyes" as loud as i could congratulations you hurt me worse than i thought you could 021015 ... jane i don't even know anymore. about "us" [...is there even an "us"?] does that night of passion mean that you've come back to me? or am i just being naive again? is that the reason you reconsidered in the first place? i can keep asking these questions, throwing them out into blather_space, but i know that it's not going to get me anywhere. i know i love you, and i know i'm afraid to say it. ["are you sure of the 'i love you' return? 'cause if not...that's a pretty big matzoh ball hanging out there." -insert laugh track-] are you? is that why you've only said it twice? it's not so hard, you know. according to you, you never stopped. so you wouldn't have to lie to me or anything. i remember before any of this happened. i was so young, so full of angst. i was, what, fourteen? you were twenty already, maybe twenty-one? you could have been using me back then, too, and i wouldn't have cared. i put you up on a pedastal, and it's taking a lot for me to climb up there. in three years, it's become a mountain. [from: i_want_to_sleep_with_someone_else] 021022 ... eddie monster i don't blame you sean sounds like a loser sorry he did all that shit to you but it's made you into you so sean might be just a big mistake but if you learned a lesson except it as fate sean's now a name i'll always relate to your pain jane it's none of our faults our nature in stone it's nobodys fault our fault is known 021118 ... yummychuckle dear sean, You must be Maura's half brother because I don't know many other Seans. Maybe Eric's brother, but I think I'd prefer to write to you anyway. thanks for the photography advice last summer. Your girlfriend is pretty and I like the way you walk in those shoes, I think you pull off those clothes pretty well. Usually I wouldn't like them...but its...fitting... I still think you look sleepy. Remember that time when we ate dinner last summer? And nothing eventful happened? boy, those were the days. peace out, homeboy -Jamie 021118 ... silentbob dear sean don't listen to everything he says love bobby 021118 ... minus a hundred twenty thousand dear sean; though you believe you are dead_sexy and you might even own a penis_mightier or two, we regret to inform you that you will not be invited to participate in further rounds of celebrity jeopardy thank you for playing, mister connery, signed yours truly Buck_Futter 021118 ... jane dear sean love, me 021118 ... eddie you said a mouthfull 021120 ... jane dear sean well im in love with your kitten i hate what you named it but thats okay i have to deal with it right you came over last night and what do i say to that i mean i didnt expect anything but there you were all charming and bond theres my new word bond anyway what was i saying oh yes i wasnt expecting anything and i guess its the unexpected things that are the most pleasant surprises so i have to say that of course i enjoyed myself and i know you did too you dont say things like that because you assume i know and i do but it would be nice to hear things like that once in a while 021204 ... K BLTM 021205 ... jane you frustrate me so much okay, we had plans on thursday but unexpectedly your friend from santa cruz was staying until the weekend and you told me you would see me on saturday so then saturday comes and i'm thinking you're going to flake on me for the gazillionth time, and instead of being surprised, i was going to be prepared this time! oh yeah, i knew you were going to cancel! in fact, i already made other plans! that's how far ahead of you i am! of course, nothing works out like we think it will, right? so when you called me in the middle of my tentative plan-making and confirmed that you were, in fact, coming over, i told you that i would call you back. i didn't want to choose. i wanted somehow to be able to do both, to not disappoint anyone. since the tentative plans involved an hour drive and the original plans involved me staying home, and i was pretty much falling asleep, i opted for the original plans. of course, nothing works out like we think it will. when i called you back and you asked me what was going on and i told you that there may be something else going on, blah blah blah...you told me to just go on and go. long story short...you were going to stay home that night, upset and jealous, and there was nothing i could do about it. i tried to get you to have me go over there, telling you that otherwise we would both be sitting at home alone. you didn't care, apparently. i decided to go along with the tentative plans. why should you phase me? you called me as i was getting ready to go, about ten minutes until two in the morning. i asked you if you had thought i was going to leave. you said no. i asked you what you called for. you apparently weren't sure. "i guess i was kind of an asshole," you said. this was the closest to an apology i was going to get. i asked you if you had anything else to say, and you said no. i left, hoping that was it, that you wouldn't call my cell phone and hear me driving. i'm not going to see you for a week, and i can safely assume that it's your fault. when you called me the second time, there was no intention of making up, of coming over. you as a taurus couldn't stand to leave things like that. you're the only person i know who would apologize for his own good 021215 ... p2 dear sean thanks for sticking up for me that day i never got a chance to thank you properly i probably would have gotten my ass kicked and then i would have had him jumped later on and then he would have done the same to me and it would have gone back and forth until someone died and i would be spending my time right now in a coffin or in prison so thanks 021216 ... jane dear sean thank you for letting me be on top thank you for forcing me to make love with the light on thank you for asking what you could do to help and being all worried when my head hurt thank you for loving me 021228 ... xle i'd let you be on top too 021228 ... jane we'll see, baby 030125 ... jane dear sean this time we're at an impass. i feel like i've been too giving up to this point, and i'm not willing to give anymore in a one-sided relationship. i've given you the chance to suck it up and be a man, but you don't seem to want to take it. "call me when you have some free time, since you're so busy," i said. i meant it sarcastically, if you didn't pick up on that. it's the kind of thing i would normally leave you with right before we hung up angrily and you would call me back saying you didn't like how that ended. you didn't call me back. in fact, you left it so open-ended that i'm going to consider myself a free woman until you get some balls talk to you later 030125 ... silentbob dear sean why are you feeding yourself idealistic visions of love and trying to find something that isn't necessarily there to find and trying to tell yourself that other people are ok and arguing things you know nothing about. love bobby 030125 ... megan sean, i don't know hwo you do it. that's the only thing that comes to mind to say. all the whispers behind your back, all the double looks, and turned ears. your life turned upside down. you were always a good friend to me, a friend of my brother's to be more exact, but we had a special friendship also. going through sunday school all our lives together, preschool, k through 5 and middle school. you were a quiet kid, always had your head in a book, or just smiling when someone made a funny comment. you never yelled. on the soccor field it was a different story though, you'd run with the ferocity and drive of a man. you'd check people right and left, trip people, block that ball from going in the goal. it was amazing to watch you play, you knew where each person was going to be before they were even thinking about it. perhaps none of that had anything to do with your mom losing her mind. but just knowing you so well made me want to cry when she lost all that weight and started talking out of her head, to herself, about things that scared me. here we are, just beginning high school, and you're having to help your mom learn how to live again. so drugged up, so tired and thin, so sad. i remember the first time i talked to her after it happened, she was fighting with my mom for the keys to her car so she could drive away into who knows where. she fought ferociously, just like you out on that soccor field, and tears started running down my cheeks. my mom told me to run and get a glass of water for when she got her inside. i remember calling you and sobbing to you how your mom was going crazy again and you said you'd be there in a minute. when you came, she was calm, and acted sedated almost, despite the fight that had been in her eyes just a few minutes before. how do you do it, sean? you gave me a hug, and i hugged back tightly. i pray every day for you, sean, just know that. i am here for you. always. megan 030126 ... jane dear sean happy valentines day im mad at you but i dont have the guts to tell you this im mad because i didnt really expect anything much today not even a rose just to spend time with you would have been enough but instead of spending even a couple hours with the girl youve been fucking for almost a year now you decided to go to chico for the weekend and spring it on me through the daredevil instant messaging which i think is pretty insensitive and you had the nerve to also spring the happy valentines day on me like yeah now im going to have a real happy valentines day doing my homework that just makes me want to cry 030214 ... jane boyfriend : i never asked to be anything more than fuckbuddies, friends with benefits, whatever. i guess sex releases this chemical in females that makes them feel more attached to the male. so i guess what i felt was inevitable. but then you shot me down and i had to deal with that, which i did. and then you had to be the one who said you were starting to feel attached to me, that you had feelings for me. so of course all of those repressed feelings came back. dammit! i'm sick of talking about how i feel! i want to feel this way without having to analyze it and make sure it's ..okay... why can't we have some powerful surging love that can't be restrained or something? i don't even think that's what i want. i just want to feel loved--which i do, when i'm with you. but when i'm not--when we're on the phone or impersonally on the computer--that's when you flake out. and i'm just getting tired of that. 030221 ... love dear sean you lucky confused mutherfucker, i wish you happiness silentbob 030221 ... jane i thought crying was one of those things i did when no one else was awake and i was left alone in my bed. this was the first time i cried when i woke up, when the day was supposed to be fresh and new. i tainted the day with my morning tears [...ooh, mourning tears. i'm thinking of all sorts of clever plays on words] i cried in the shower, but i didn't know which were my tears and which came out of the shower head. even the salty tear taste got lost in the tap. i know i'm not overreacting, and even if i am, so what? my feelings are real, and i don't try to hide them 030223 ... silentbob sorry i accused you of stealing my two dollars 030223 ... jane how fascinating that moments can make other moments irrelevant i don't think you understood how powerful that was for me to say in the context of the situation. you came over for an hour or so...said you had to leave at five seventeen but i told you i get you for ten more minutes...until five twenty seven. i just wanted to make out like the good old days but i guess that made you horny [see: quickies ]. i kind of zoned out after that, when you kissed me goodbye and left through the window. you stuck your head back in and asked if i was alright. i didn't really give a comprehensive answer and you said are you sure and i kind of shrugged my shoulders. what difference would it have made? weird...while i was typing this is the conversation that ensued: sean: are you ok? jane44079: does it matter sean: yes jane44079: why...you have to go to dinner anyway sean: i know....... jane44079: don't worry about it......i can talk to you later tonight jane44079: i'm alright sean: are you sure? jane44079: yeah jane44079: i'll talk to you later sean: ok........ill call you when i get back tonight jane44079: okay jane44079: have fun so i guess you do care. i hope i get to see you tonight ...if i don't i think i'll be alright 030223 ... jane drunk: last time i saw you when you were drunk you bit me until i had a bruise on my arm about the size of a bruise that a baseball would make. you didn't believe me when i told you that it hurt. i hadn't seen you in a while so when i asked you what you were doing on saturday night you said you had some plans with friends in the evening but were available later. you explained to me that you would probably be drunk when you got home. being just kicked out of school and in emotional turmoil, i decided i could take it, even in my vulnerability. so last night i went to this frat party (more like freak party, if you ask me) that required all this i.d. to get in, but i just walked in like i knew what i was doing. sater called me a savage. later we went back over to doug's frat and we were just hanging out there, less people and whatnot. doug and i played nineball and i had been chainsmoking the whole time. you finally called me and i told you i would be right over, me being around the corner. when i got there i said hi to your roommate, whom i had never met. i walked straight back to your room. you started off being a little aggressive. you hate the smell of cigarettes, and you made me take off all my clothes because they smelled like cigarettes. you said you would give me something to wear, but i said no. we actually started talking. i can't believe it took you getting drunk to open up to me. and it probably wouldn't be considered opening up if it were anyone else. i didn't know that cigarettes were killing your grandparents. i didn't know i was the only person who could understand you. but it was good to hear. it was the best conversation we've ever had in the three or four years i've known you, and certainly in the year we've been "together," whatever that means. i wanted more than anything in that moment to make love, not fuck, not have sex, but feel a true physical connection to another person. i didn't end up getting what i wanted, but i did get something else, something that i should be content with, because it was an amazing step 030406 ... silentbob dear sean yer my favorite boy i cant work at the radio station because of the fact that you have to be a university student. sucks to be me. 030406 ... jane i wanted to give you words that would get caught on your lip, but you saw the trick right through me and i didn't have any left. why can't you be like matt? why can't you just be a nice boy and play with my hair and rub my feet? and not in a condescending foot massage type way, just an "i'm thinking about you" kind of way. and if you only knew that i slept in matt's bed last night but we were drunk and he wouldn't do anything more than make out because it had been too long. i liked kissing him but kissing him just made me miss kissing you. i told you that you were my favorite kisser but even these days you cut them short so you can go to sleep. don't you see that i can't handle it anymore? everytime i wake you up in the middle of the night for sex you turn over and dream. and then when you ask me of course i'm willing. i went for the bait and now i'm hooked and asphyxiating on oxygen. i miss someone appreciating the fact that i was there, that i was someone to put your arm around. you seem indifferent to my being there and yet you wanted me to come over so badly. but i'm not going to come over anymore because you make me feel unwanted. it's not your fault, really..i understand you're tired. but we haven't had sex in a long time [for us]. so i'm kind of moving on. 030613 ... love Dear Sean I am barely Alive Silentbob 030614 ... jane dear sean, we keep having all these non-conversations. you'll tell me you installed a second cd burner, i say "fine." you tell me you're going to bed now because you have to be at work by eight again. i say "fine." when did this become so one-way? what happened to what i want? and what _do_ i want? i want you to tell me that you want me. that i'm desirable. growl at me that i'm such a sexy bitch like jesse did. tell me i taste good. you did once. do you remember? i do. because i hang onto those rare compliments with all my might. over a year ago you told me that i tasted like a woman should. my picture in your digital camera? "your eye looks pretty." otherwise, what? *i've only gotten one i love you that counts* and even then you may have just been seizing the moment, like a stolen kiss. you used to steal kisses from me, remember? like they were gems i was hiding from you. protected in a quiet park, a blanket of darkness. i wish you knew how every night spent away from you is a night spent on the couch in my clothes miserable. . 030627 ... sarah Unless you feel that you can resolve these things with him through dialogue, in the open and speaking honestly, rather than casting solipsistic missives out into the cyberwind, then tis likely that the relationship will stultify until eventually it is beyond repair. Talk to the boy and if you feel that he is incapable of talking openly with you then you might have to cut your losses. If, however, it is you who is incapable of talking to HIM, then you might have to accept that this needs to be resolved before the relation can be fixed. If neither of you is capable you are screwed. If both of you are capable then you have to decide whether the relationship is worth salvaging for cetainly the repairs will take some effort. 030801 ... x you're an idiot, sarah 030801 ... jane thanks, x 030801 ... jane as for sarah... i wrote under this blathe so that i wouldn't have to communicate...that's mostly why i write. i do not write here for relationship advice or advice on how to communicate with my wall of a now ex boyfriend. i understand you're trying to help but that's not what this is for 030801 ... jane dear sean, this will be the last letter i ever write to you. you have hurt me for the last time. i'm tired of being dormant. i want to release passion. thank you for the grief. ['...to grieve; it's to die and be alive at the same time. the most absolute, overpowering experience you can feel, therefore. sometimes i swear we weren't constructed to go through such a thing; it's too much--your body damn near self-destructs with all that heaving and surging. but i want to feel grief. to have tears.'] i wish i had something profound to say but i don't think you would understand it anyway. goodnight sean love, lauren . 030805 ... sean go on with your life sweetie., you shouldnt have to wait for anyone. 040224 ... eddie monster hey, jane went to san diego it was beautifull i miss you 040306 ... jane i'm in new york now 040306 ... silentbob why did you have to say he was hilarious? 040612 ... phil Dear Jane, Cull these devisive consequences mangled within you. Desire more than your own commitment through youthful apparencies to someone who had not expected less. 050302 ... silentbob dear sean This year our friendship turned 10 years old. You are still my best thing. You still keep me honest and earnest and optimistic, idealistic, and true, so true. I have a tendency to overshare, so I will just say I love you and yours. Be good to them always. 121223 ... silentbob dear_sean remember_who_you_are 140910 ... Soma dear_sean You're the first person I've ever willfully desired death and suffering upon. I suppose congratulations are also in order, since you finally tipped the scales on my beliefs. I now firmly believe that humanity is evil. That people are dark, twisted, and perverse. That they are selfish. I wish I could not hate you, for to hate you is to expend energy upon you, and I do not believe you are worthy of even that. You have brought forth something dark in me that I did not even know existed. You are the scum water in which mosquitoes breed. You are the filth of the earth. If God exists, he surely weeps each time you act or speak, for you are filled with nothing but vile hate and selfish ego. I pray that when the day comes where we might meet, that you are gone from that place. That you are far away. That my hands be not tempted, nor my mouth capable of saying the words I think inside my head of you. I pray I never meet you when I go to save her. I would wish you to change, but it would be a waste of breath. I know that you will die old and alone. Shitting your pants as you scream about your value and worth to the world. 171211 what's it to you? who go blather from