perverse indelible ink i once had an argument with someone who thought the word perverse had only dirty, sexual connotations. i take great pleasure in being as perverse as possible in any given situation. it isn't only about strange sexual practices...it's also about being contrary and and whimsical and a bit eccentric. it's about refusing to uphold the status quo. 010420 ... yoink what did you just break? 010426 ... nah....! my love for that goddamn blue_ice is the most perverse in the world. so it goes. i'm a mess today. that fool had better not call me like he said he would. 011120 ... nah....! i love and hate him........i am attracted to and repulsed by him.......he's a fool and i want to marry him....he's the best and he's the worst. goddamn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i_n_s_a_n_i_t_y 011120 ... nah....! i am inexplicably drawn to his foolishness; his ridiculousness; his obnoxiousness. i want to bury myself in his deception and drown myself in his horrid, beautiful acts of madness. oh, how i love to hate to love him. he is disgustingly unattractively gorgeous. 011120 ... nah....! ....and one fucking amazing fool to make me fall in love with him: such a madman, such a villian and such an idiot. i love his crazy cunning cocky personality that would turn any 'normal' person away. his selfish acts of NOTHINGNESS, his unbelievable effort to turn my everything upside down. 011120 ... nah....! FUCK me, it's villain* stupid me! 011120 ... nah....! anyway, goddamn. i realize i may have made very little sense up there. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh well! 011120 ... hey now! perverse always having a significant other, or always wanting to have one, and believing that its what you need. just so theres no confusion, that had nothing to do with nah. 011211 ... Dimorph Me 040207 ... peintre drunkenly kissing the vice president of the local young republicans outside of a sports bar last week. republican. sports bar. it's just wrong --for me. he wasn't even very attractive. passionate conversation pulls my trigger. 040730 ... sameolme 'Perverse is how I get paid.' Poor Poet 041222 ... Dajan The choice between good and evil. Evil is so tempting, it appeals to the instinct, to selfish desires. It is so successful in such appeals that most people excuse it as not being evil, simply because they want to have evil and a happy conscience at the same time. In the case that evil is merely a perception, for instance, when the sole reason for something being evil is because you yourself see it that way; then is it truly evil? Common belief of this age is that good and evil do not exist, they are merely tints that can be given to neutral acts. Therefore, one can label anything good or evil, and that definition will only apply for that particular person. Very little can be called 'evil' for all, most commonly accepted among these is murder. But, what about sexual issues, of which I personally seem to suffer most with? It can be said that nobody is hurt by any type of sex (short of rape), people can only stand to gain (pleasure) from it. Is there any good or evil there? My upbringing says so, as do my personal ethics. But what WOULD the result be if I were to cast all of that aside? I would incur no wrath from fellow man; for no fellow man condemns such things. For the sake of loyalty to topic, we won't bring God into this one, and therefore His opinion is not a factor in this particular argument. Thus, with no accountability to peer or creator; then where is the conflict? It can only be within. I do, indeed, have strong objections to abuses of sexuality. But at the same time, I have a (perhaps stronger) gravity toward them. From these two opposing forces comes the greatest tension that I can responsibly say I have ever experienced. When Kristen told me today, of her activity in the past week(s), the mixture of desire with revulsion gave birth to a new emotion, one that I have never felt before in my life, one that I cannot name nor describe. I felt my face go pale, my stomach churned, I felt all the sensations of crying but my eyes were as dry as the clothes I was wearing. I wanted to throw up, and I wanted to hear more, I wanted to imagine the scene I was hearing described; and I wanted to slap her for making me listen. I was being forced to realize that my sweet girl, Kristen, had been participating in things that I'd personally condemned for years. It raked the very fiber of my morality, it embodied everything that separated me from the scum that I so loathe. Yet what is wrong with it? I can give very little explanation. And any that I do give becomes a statement of opinion, effectively saying,"*I* would not be able to do that" instead of arguing that no one else should. And therein, once again, is highlighted the question: "If my only objection is that it bothers me, then is that reason enough to avoid it?" Perhaps if I had some more solid reasoning behind it, but I don't. For sake of argument, therefore, let's assume that I no longer have ANY reason for objection; I have been comprimized and I am giving in and abandoning my morals. Where does that leave me? What will the effect be? Effectively, I will be leaving behind perhaps 15 years of ingrained moral training, from both myself and my parents and my peers. 15 years of ethical resolution don't wash away easily. Will it scar me? Will my own lack of integrity crush my spirit? There have been times when my loyalty to personal ethics has comforted me in the darkest of times. Yet, a house divided against itself cannot stand; and I certainly have a conflict in me that has been quietly and covertly raging for those 15 years. Desire vs. integrity. Now I'm being told that I can have both, and my response is bitter denial. Yet, I feel that, while these feelings have surfaced, they are vulnerable to attack, and perhaps this is my last chance to end the tension. Inside, I feel almost as though desire will win; for if I can make my objection to these things dissapear, then my desire for them could be satisifed and I would achieve an equilibrium. Perhaps at that point, I would find an 'inner peace' that which has never been matched in my life. But if I move to attack my objections, and I fail, then I think they will plague me for an eternity. I have one shot to take them out, or live with the consequences permanently. If I comprimize my ethics I may face a lifetime of regret. But I may also overcome my 'fear' and never fear such things again, nor regret them! Perhaps now is the time to overcome this conflict. I realize that it's all in my mind, but that doesn't trivialize the issue, because I'm all in my mind too. I have to live with the outcome for the rest of my life. It's a line I hesitate to cross; indeed have avoided crossing for years, because I fear the consequences. 050303 what's it to you? who go blather from