random_journal_entry yummyC im bored, so i think I'll flip to a random page in my journal, and type it. 21 may, 2001 Today was happy in the morning (i got compliments on my hair), then Erica went and ruinned it. She does these weird bitchy little things. Like, she sat on these papers of mine that I couldn't have wrinkled, and she wouldn't get up for even a second so I could grab them. i mean she lfat out refused, when I said "could you get up a sec? those papers can't get wrinkled..." It was like she wanted to show me she had some power over me or something. I actually had to even try PUSHING her off the chair. what the fuck is up with that?? Anyways, afterschool I was supposed to perform for Drama, but I didn't go, so i failed. Its crazy. The stupid teacher doesn't even start teaching us all this crap til way later, then he just lets us sit and do nothing during class while demanding we come to rehearsal during lunch. He sits on his fat ass in his office all morning during class, without even addressing the class once...what the fuck? Not to mention that he's making us SING for our final, and thats all we ever did. No blocking. just standing and singing. No acting. I beleive this class is called "intermediate acting", dumbass. So we're supposed to sing some songs at 7 tonight. he never handed out notes to give to parents, or contact them in any way. What does he think he's doing? Now he wants to fail a bunch of people because we don't show up to do a show we know nothing about? What a bad teacher. Even I know more about acting than he does. Anyway, 18 more days til I leave. Gawd I can't wait. Might as well count the very minutes til I see dillon and eric and britt and Ahrial and isaac (and his hot friends). A while ago, Everyone (maya, jeanette, Mom, me) went to the airport to pick up grandma ellie and my cousin Josh. He always thought I was too weird. somethings never change. love, Jamie 010712 ... florescent light 5/19/99 nahh this one is too long ......... here's a shorter one 10/24/00 I Wish I Was Dead ........... Here's one more (slightly more optimistic, but long whinded, and overdone.) 1/10/01 I breath in the magic as I listen to the silence of the poetry- a I wait for the sparkles to come. I long for the lost words of a parted lover. I long to hear him write poetry for me- but it is not to be for he has made love to an old fling with his soul. And I desire nothing more in the world than someone to breath poetry into my lungs. And someone does. And I want poetry and I need poetry, and he writes poetry for me and about me and he reads his heart through the stanzas.And he is desperate for nothing more than someone to write poetry about, for, to. And he writes it to me and it soothes me and I am flattered. But I don't love him. And so the beautiful poetry which streams from his eyes isn't about me. I am not a part of the mingling magic that he feels. So I am alone and desperate for a lover. And he is alone and desperate for a lover- and invites me in. But I don't want him and it doesn't make sense because I feel that I want nothing more than to fall asleep in the arms of someone who cares about me And his arms are open and he cares. And if that's what I want, then why don't I want it? ...... 010712 ... useless advisor drink more clam juice 010712 ... silentbob This is from May 5 of this year. i called it "Hello what the hell are you doing here" Oh what a night a night worthy of a diary land entry a night worthy of poetry. She was going to go to mason city and i wouldnt see her til tomorrow. but it got cancelled, and i saw her last name on my caller id, and we made plans to hang out, all four of us. good good stuff. she drove her car and we discussed mix tapes and good music, music we agreed on. The rain was a baptism on her car. We watched High Fidelity and Finding Forrester, two great films. id seen High fidelity before, so it was like visiting an old friend. But Finding Forrester was beautiful. and all of our joking around about it didnt ruin it, at least not for me. it did make a whole new perspective of sean connery though. we flirted with the idea that he could play every character in that movie, so we did his voice for all the parts, but we didnt bother changing the accent. so in sean connerys accent and voice we'd say, "Whats up, G? You be baggin on my shit, yo!" and it would make for great laughs. then the car ride home was beautiful, just tension free, good music, conversation. beauty. i dropped nate off at his house and i rolled the window down and put my hand on the roof of the van. i realized how much we had been thru, me and my van. My first girlfriend, and many crushes after that. i thought about dashboard confessional. Me and my steering wheel have seen many infatuations. the sound of frogs was Pssting me from the woods by nates house. 010713 ... mmm Wednesday, July 11th, 2001 4:23am 11 glasses, 3 plates, 3 tuperware, 2 bowls, 1 mug half full of soup, 3 forks, 2 spoons, and 1 large popcorn bowl. all on my desk, and all in only 2 days.... i was hungry 010713 ... Alexia Benson March 25, 2001 It's all a facade, it gets so old. I hate it. I was so nice to him, and he just used me as a stepping stone to make it to the next level. Up up up he goes, soon he'll topple over to the next side and wonder what eh'll do now that he's made it to the mose elite level. What was the point of the journey? Weren't you happy where you were? Are you happy w/what you have now? With what you've "achieved"? Do you miss what you left behind? Have you even realized what you've left behing? Probably not, your too busy playing the game to realize what's happened. Yeah your winning now, but what happens when you lose? Oh everyone loses in this game, there are no winners. There is always someone who is a little bit better. The real winners are the ones who keep it real and don't play at all 010713 ... Casey Friday the 13th: Today was almost like anyother day...except instead of being left alone I was ditched, oh well 010713 ... dumb undated, sometime in early winter: I don't know what could be more boring than this. How am I supposed to see what is good when there isn't a clear bad? I feel indifferent, I feel like I care, but not really. Uneasy. Wondering. Unknowing. [thinking of so I married an axe murderer] What could I do? What would I do? What Should i do? How am I supposed to know? I feel compelled to do something- what? Wish I could be claer, feel clear, see clear. That's why drunkeness is unappealing. It's just one big reeling muddle. [massively fortelling of the way I was about to ruin my life] 010714 ... black-dyed gel product 7/5/01 I fucking hate the cops!!!!!!!!! They almost fucking ruined my birthday and got my best friend ticketed over an expired temporary car thingy ( i forget the exact deal). Conor left early because he's a bastard, but Brian came back and we all drank Sam Adam's and martinis in the park. Then the cops showed up and ruined everything!!! 302 fucked with us for 20 minutes before he realized he couldn't get us on anything. ASSHOLE!! Another companionless birthday, but I'm beyond that (or am I?). It's music over women, was that the saying they used? I'm sick of Matt thinking he's depressed. Fuck him, he's not even fooling himself, so he should just go whine about it to his older vegan girlfriend. At least she's insane like him; good match. Watched traffic, saw Phil look happy, and ate some burgers. Thought about Stephanie; wondered if she'd really want me at her funeral, because I'm the only one who knows the depths of her shallow thoughts and desires. T couldn't make the b-day extravaganza; he's better off, he fucking hates cops more than me. He owes me though. I think I would like a girlfriend, as long as she can put up with my lifestyle (in its web-of-lies, late-night-italian-ice way) and my friends (the young like brian and con, the not-so older like Kels, and the insecure like Greg). That's a lot for one person to handle, and I'm still not sure if there's any girl alive willing to take on the Herculean task. If there is, I'd love to meet her. Chris even showed up; haven't seen him since 'NAM. He's tanned to hell from sitting in the sun all day, and he drives a pimpmobile. Maybe this'll be the year I get some credit, or at least a little respect, for being on the LIHC/PUNK scene... --------------------- That's pretty much what I wrote. I left out some stuff about barbeque chips. Keep in mind the fact that I was just sobering up from my party when I wrote this. 010716 ... sabbie today, right now. i forget who i am. i forget what we did. i forget why im still striving. i forget why i still do this. i forget whats the point. i always cry when i remember the things i need to forget. ---------------------------- and sometimes i grin when im being melodramatic 010721 ... silentbob july 31 2001 Le sigh Here's something you probably don't want to hear. i was sitting on the toilet today and it was very uncomfortable. do you ever have those shits that are sharp like razor blades and you shake? today was like that. but the interesting part of this was what was playing in the background. i like to listen to music when im in the bathroom and just randomly, the part of "this is getting over you" where they repeat it over and over again was playing as i was shitting out this terrible stuff. it was like..... INAPPROPIATELY APPROPRIATE. anyway. thats gross. i dont like shitting. it is not fun for me. i talked to nate last night. he doesnt like that danny is a manwhore and erica has never really liked him. this is news that intersts me. nate has known for a while and he was trying to get erica to tell me wht she knew, and said how he didnt know, so like...if he does know he was trying to tell me which is very commendable. if he doesnt know, then it shows how far they went to cover up and is till found out. also they think its pretty pathetic that he is 20 and has nothing going for him really. today at work it was really hot. i dont even know why they called it a heat advisory. it was so hot, they should just say, "ITS SUMMER. DONT DO ANYTHING." but i was on a roof all day. at work there were these kitties and one of them caught a butterfly. whts cuter than a cat catching a butterfly? Nothing. Except when he eats it. the fair is starting tomorrow so there was a dinky little parade today. these kids squirted me with waterguns so i whipped candy at their fucking faces. people make me angry. like people that lie. i hope it rains tomorrow and i dont have to work or something happens and all the people die or something. so i dont ahve to work. 010914 ... unhinged everytime i get back a semblance of normalcy i here something on the t.v. that reminds me. i feel a small amount of newness creeping into my smile. a newness that shouldn't come until a ripe old age. i hear the words 'retribution' and 'punishment' and 'venegenace' uttered in a tone even by our president that makes my soul tremble. my dad was going to go to new york to help because he is a firefighter and his union organized a volunteer relief effort. but from what i've heard from people, mayor guliani doesn't want any more rescue works in the city so my dad spent all day collecting money for the families of all the firefighters that are missing and presumed dead. i heard on the radio that since it's conception in 1865 the nyfd lost only 300 firefighters. on tuesday they lost between 300 and 350 more. the numbers of history doubled in one day. so many people i know know someone who had a relative in the wtc or on one of the airplanes. like i think kingsuperspecial said before me three degrees of separation is not comforting in the least. if more innocent lives of the world are lost in this situation, it makes america no better than the terrorists that attacked her. for some reason, all these patriotic songs and flag waving are making my stomach turn. the hatred of a nameless enemy behind it, looking anywhere to point a finger to drop bombs, the american public won't be happy until other people are dying and we have our 'vengenance' 010914 ... silentbob 2001-10-07 - these computers suck You told me that the daylight burned youand that the sunrise was enough to kill you I said, "Maybe you're a vampire" You said, "It's quite possible I feel truly dead inside." You're An Angel You Little Devil... I actually have no idea if this email got sent to you. This is like my millionth attempt because the computers here are being super freaky. Hopefully you got it a million times and I didn’t totally fuck it up. Hopefully you can read this. Not that its important. In I spent this weekend by myself. Friday night I stayed in my room and watched videos I taped off mtv in 1996. I listened to the radio and listened to a radio station that would only play Led Zeppelin, Metallica, and Aerosmith. They were taking requests for metallica songs so I called and got thru and requested hero of the day, but they never played it. Bastards. Also on Friday I walked to hardees and ate two double cheeseburgers for three bucks. Not bad! Saturday I walked to the library and rented The Hobbit and Edward Scissorhands for two night rentals. Checked out, really, free, ya know. So I came back and watched those then I ate and went out to walk again. I didn't really know where at first, I just knew I didn't want to be in my room anymore. I was all alone. there was no one. my roommates were gone for the weekend. I like it when they are gone cuz when they are home, I don’t talk to them anyway. Believe me, you wouldn't either. You were saying how the town looks different when you walk around it at night. I am very familiar with this, as I have walked around town at night many times. I am used to it. I decided to walk to Perkins. Walking to Perkins would be like walking to my house from your house and back. That’s about how long it is to get to Perkins from my place. But I walked and I thought, I’ll just go in and have some coke and maybe wait for the Beatles to play, because you know, every time I go in one of those places they play a Beatles song. Every time. Never fails. So I waited and I started to get scared. What if it never came? I'd be stuck here forever. Till the Beatles song got over or till I finished my coke, whichever came second. I was on my second coke when I heard the first few chords. "Day tripper" I said to myself. I was pretty proud of myself that I could do that. I finished my shit and left, after using the bathroom and finding a midget. What luck! I thought and rubbed his bald little head for Good Karma. I began the grueling trek back. There is something that isn't that fun about walking on 33rd in the dark and hearing growling dogs near by. That is always something that freaks me out. I turned on Bowling Street back to my place and I came to a bridge. Under the bridge were train tracks. I stood and saw a train coming. The midget head rubbing had been successful, after all! So I waited and waited. The light was blinding. The whistle was huge. It was getting closer. Closer. Closer. It started to go under me and it was such an amazing thing to have this huge carnal engine five feet below where you were standing. This big puff of steam and smoky shit blew up in my face when it passed but I stood and watched as each car went under me. It looked like it was transporting coal or black rocks or something. I stood and watched until it was all gone. It was rather saddening that I didn't have anybody there with me to share that experience. I walked home and watched the WB where there was a 12-year-old documentary on john Lennon. They interviewed his son Sean when he was no more than 14. "I always knew that my dad was a Beatle, but it never really registered until I watched yellow submarine, then I knew and I said, 'hey dad, that’s you' and he said, yes Sean, I was in the Beatles, but that’s all over now, and I'm here to play with you." That was cute. Also cute was, "I used to cry and cry whenever I heard the music after he died, but I’m over it now and what I miss most is just his presence, just him being there." Lil Sean, all growed up. 011127 ... thieums November 13th, 2003 Everything is white outside, but this is no snow. It is frost. Plants and trees look like they have been covered with sugar. If you take a closer look at the frozen vegetation, you would notice that this frost is in fact made of lots of small ice shards which seem to grow out of the trees like thorns. I spend a long while watchin g the trees, fascinated by the phenomenon. 040429 ... in a silent way (undated; written sometime in 2004, in a bar, after having a bit to drink) in a way, it's almost comforting to know that the things you want most will always be just out of reach. the hovering becomes painful after a while, so you work on dulling your insides. you lie, and you lie, and you lie. and you love it. and everyone loves you for it. because there is no love to be quarried from honesty. the only love you will ever know is as fake as the new, exciting you. you claw at it with bloody fingers. it's gone before you can give it a name. so you cling to the memories of what was never yours to begin with. eventually, you need to get drunk to be honest, and even then, the truth you tell is selective. you've become too talented at manufacturing new selves on command. you are a coward. you are a fucking coward. 130110 ... heartfelt in a silent way, I am a fucking coward. 130110 ... in a silent way it's so hard not to be afraid sometimes, though. i think a lot of pain comes out of fear, more than anger or anything else. pain we cause ourselves and other people. and papercuts. those are always a product of fear. paper is so skittish. but seriously, i hope you didn't feel those words were attacking you in any way. the "you" was really me. i was writing to myself back then, and i was...not a happy person. i dug that up because i thought it was an interesting look back at what my unguarded writing was like when i was 21 and not really sure who i was or where i was going. not that i have it all figured out now by any means...but i'm at least a little less uncertain than i was. 130110 ... epitome of incomprehensibility okay Dec. 28, 1995 we had breckfast and in the morning I did some things. I made two pictures on the computer. And when it was time for lunch I had lunch. then, I did another picture. it was flowers. One of the pictures I made in the morning was for cosin J----. then I had a choclate ane went sking. Then, when I came back I made a picture on the computer. I had super and I watched a movie and I went to bed. ... I remember this. It was my introduction to Paintbrush. I was a little obsessed. 130110 ... heartfelt in a silent way, you are considerate. I felt myself within your revelations: I felt myself a coward. If I can describe myself succinctly, the expression I would use is self-doubt. As much as it is a fault, I think it is a virtue as well, depending on the situation. With every decision I face I think to myself "Maybe you're wrong." and I talk to myself that way. I understand that it probably impedes my progress in life and it makes me more unhappy than anything else, but I feel addicted to the perspective of "Maybe I'm wrong." once I get home this evening, I will look for a random_journal_entry of my own. 130111 ... e_o_i September 28, 2011 Ineluctably, koala apples have fought for true reality within a recycled system of conquest. Heliotropes manifest irradiated urges exuberantly. Little angels sing psalms of joy. Kittens refrain from using metaphorical language, because girls are taught not to snore and to be good citizens of the state. Harry Potter is not a language. Little girls are taught not to impute overt instances of disobedience to the guardians of the paper airplanes. Linguistically the teleological model is flawed. Oranges are not the only computer, and winter comes in March. Yet reason’s claws have not entirely forsaken she who eats the future on her couch. The hummingbird of irrelevance sinks its tiny angel suckers into her wings, tearing apart the aura of pinkness. Purple skaters in neon orbits prattle around the edge of raspberry arcades. 130123 ... in a silent way i think that right there wins the award for "funniest random journal entry ever". i want to hang out with the girl who eats the future on her couch. i bet she has some interesting stories to tell. 130123 ... falling_alone Sitting in the coffee shop. Forgot my journal. There are cute boys all around me I can't make a move. And I'm waiting To meet up with that idiot... Who is pretending not to notice. I'd like to say I can keep on waiting, But I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. Take another sip, My heart is racing. Excitable by the caffeine, Or so I'd like to think. 130414 ... PoP i think i really missed out on babyhood, that's why i'm still a kid. i guess i like the feeling being silly and kind of stupid and non conformist. That don't mean i don't know what's important in life like getting a job and getting paid and stuff. If I was anything like Sharon Stone, I would take some cool photos and send them to some newspaper for a nice story or something and if i could cook like my friend i would :) but she like doing that so i won't! 130416 ... like that i think something will come to you or you will bump into someone one day and there you go.. i always thought it worked better that way as long as you made sure you weren't stuck in your home for most of the time. 130416 ... unhinged it's raining today. rainrain go_away i need to walk to the store, but the rain is making it difficult for me to climb out of the cocoon i've made for myself. my heart aches today. same_shit_different_day 130419 what's it to you? who go blather from