what_will_now_determine_my_existance Christ without the cross finally doing something f This is actually a set of guidelines that freely placed on my life to determine from hereon in (unless i decide to change something) how i should live and how i should interact with others. This guideline is my goal for everyday of my life starting after its completion. I will no longer base my life on what people expect of me, what people think, or on any reaction from outside of myself. I will base it on these guidelines because i believe it defines who I want to be as a person, a pure and perfect expression of who i choose to be. i will return periodically to comment on how well I live up to my own expectations of myself. 061023 ... Christ without the cross My Guide To Life: 1. I will choose to go with my first feeling that is not based in fear. 2. I will live more in my feelings and less in my thoughts. i will trust the spirit within me which has been given by God. 3. I will choose not to have an opinion on anything someone is doing, saying, or being unless asked by that person. 4. i wil choose not to have an opinion on anything created by God. i will allow all things to choose its path without my judgment. 5. I will no longer speak of my path (unless asked). I shall live it and those who wish to see will see by actions. 6. i will always tell the truth. i will never lie nor ommit what i know to be vital information. 7. I will be a light unto myself so that i may shine and others may see my light. 8. i will not, from this moment, choose to take offense to antyhing that anyone has to say about anything that i am doing, being, or saying. i will not deviate from my guidelines for no one (but myself if i choose to change something). i will hold my integrity. 9. I will always respect another person's freedom. I will not force anything on anyone. This includes affection, conversation, or opinion. I will do all of this in respect of that person. 10. I will express all my emotions as an effort to be honest unless told not to do so. i may do so only to myself or i could do this with others present. This will be my choice but i will acknowledge them all and i will express truthfully but without harmful reaction. 11. I will not curse (i may ommit this one) 12. i will not engage in any sexual interaction unless it is an act of love. (i may regret this one) 13. I will not take what is not mine and i will honor all pacts between people. (that means no flirting with women who have boyfriends) 14. I will not question or enter into arguments over my beliefs or anyone else's. I will not try to prove mine or disprove anothers. 15. i will not enter into arguments about my guidelines. and i will ammend and ommit as i wish (thank God). 16. I will live my life and cherish each moment and curse nothing for it is all according to the perfect gift of God. 17. i will be bold and fearless but i will also be understanding and patient if i am not so. 18. I will be open and listen to everyone and if it calls to my heart i will ammend my guidelines by such. 19. From this moment, i will not utter or entertain any thought that is negative toward myself or another. 20. I will never do anything out of guilt but out of the freedom of my heart. i will be considerate, however and i will freely make sacrifices by choice. Golden Guideline: I will not deviate from these guidelines for no one. i will not betray myself by going against the declaration of who i am. This is the choice that i made out of perfect freedom and absent of fear. i will commit to it because it is a declaration of who i choose to be. I will never fear to express any part of who i am and i will never change anything in this guide out of fear. if i do fear, i will try my very best to push through my fear because it is not productive or beneficial to my growth. Thank you God for your guidance. 061023 ... marked . 061023 ... Christ without the cross I did not do so well today. I made some assumptions and entertained some thoughts that i probably shouldn't have. But hey this is a lifetime thing. i still have tommorrow. 061023 ... *Amy* I don`t want to cut my wrist or smoke anymore, but still I need something that free my mind. How do you do that? 061023 ... Christ without the cross was this a question to me? if it was why don't you try freeing your mind. I mean open expression of all thoughts and opening of your mind to new experiences. It is a pretty abstract suggestion but freeing your mind by actually freeing your mind seems like a good idea to me. try it. tell me what happens. 061023 ... Ptolemy DCLVIII Some of those really resonate with me, C-w/ot-C. Your #1 is very high on my list, also. I'm trying to get better about #12. I think #15 is really important, both parts of it. You have reminded me that I need to bear #19 in mind more often. Granted, I'm not a Christian. But why need that divide us? A commendable list. 061024 ... u24 nice list. number 14 is IMHO commendable for most Christians I have experienced, but I do feel a little disappointed that you and I won't be discussing our beliefs, I think we would both benefit. #7 seems a little blurry. #3 seems commendable, I'd be very interested to hear your experiences getting your mind to work in this way. #9 may conflict with #3 if your considered opinion on something is negative. IMHO there's nothing wrong with negativity, without it the beauty of the positive would become the dullness of the normal. (of course, I understand that a detailed answer to my comments would contravene #15, therefore I do not expect one, though if you choose to answer, I will be happy.) 061024 ... Christ without the cross Let me try to explain a couple things. I consider myself to be a christian but most christians would disagree with that consideration because my beliefs are not bound by the bible. I think outside the box instead of within it. I would love to share my beliefs with you. Arguing (which is trying to disprove someone else's beliefs by repeatedly stating mine) is what i won't do. i have no problem talking about them and hearing other people's beliefs. In accordance to guideline 18 i must do this. Guideline 7 is in accordance with guideline 5. they are basically the same. i will live my life by example and people will see rather than hear my views (unless someone asks me). that is how i choose to influence. Oh and in terms of negative thoughts. a negative thought to me is saying this person is an idiot or any other form of name calling. If i have an opinion to offer it will be useful and honest depending on what i observe in that person. For example, if the person is very defensive i will state that the person is very defensive. it is the truth (as far as I am concerned) and that person can decide to use it to their benefit or they could turn it into negativity. In accordance with Guideline 6 I must do this. yes i do believe that guideline 1 is one of the most significant ones. I am fearful of this guideline but i will try to follow it. I will love to hear from you guys again. You can also list a set of guidelines for yourself hear and report how well you live up to them. Let them solely for yourself and your own personal growth and not for anyone else. You can also state some of your beliefs here. i am very open to different perspectives (this happens naturally). Lata. 061024 ... Christ without the cross Guideline 21: Never use force to acquire anthing in life. Act as if all that you want has been provided and simply be grateful. Never entertain a thought that you lack something, just realize that you want more and act as if you already have it. This is absolute faith. 061024 ... *Amy* What I ment was: I always need some sort of way to canalize (or to direct, I don`t know the exact word to say that in english)when I`m nervous, sad, anguished or mad about sth. Do we all need to do that?. I need to do sth real like smoking or cutting or drinking alcohol. I was wondering if that is sth normal humans have 061024 ... Christ without the cross i was told recently (and i think that i agree) that we respond to lack of control by doing things that we can control. I have a friend that use to cut herself and she told me that it was the control of her own pain that made her feel better and that was one of the reasons why she did it (that and to prevent her from hurting someone else). When we feel out of control we sometimes need something to make us feel like we have a say over our lives. So a suggestion i would have is concentrate on soemthing that you can control, something that you have power over. So many things have power over us. Let self control be what will now determine your existance. We all need something to help us deal. you can decide what will be that thing for you. Let it come to you. 061024 ... *Amy* thanks for trying, next time I feel that way I will remember your words 061024 ... Infinite Luv You seem like you have an interesting journey ahead of you...staying true to your guidelines. I wish you all God's blessings 061024 ... Christ without the cross I am not sure if i did much following today. i have no idea what my first feelings are and i still live more in my thoughts. Oh well. The day isn't over yet and i still have tomorrow. Thanks for the the blessings infinite luv. 061024 ... Christ without the cross Last night while iwas doing Chemistry something hit me. it was like a tidal wave of thought and I realized what faith was. It was never so clear to me as last night. I began to talk to myself and I know the person answering was God. i spoke to myself like i was speaking to the world. i spoke to myself so clearly that i knew without doubt what it was. The truth is infinite, and it will not be held completely in this world by any one person. It is spread as far as the universe and cannot be grasped in this state that we are in. This is not because it is impossible but because in order to live in this world you cannot know all things. You would have no purpose. What we are here to do is grow and make mistakes and learn and remember what we have forgotten. If we were not ignorant there would be nothing for us to do. To chase truth is to swim in a sea of irrelevance. Truth is here. it is now and it does not need to be obtained. It just is. it is, basically, everything. There are an infinite amount of ways to see the beauty of a flower. The way you see it is no less true than the flower itself. the flower is truth. Truth is a statement of what is. You are truth. I began to see things. Everything began to connect. I saw a reason to life a purpose for living that could not be denied. I realized that truth is words but truth is also feeling. It will come through experience. we mold it. We filter it. We put our own perspective on it. But does what you do not see, not exist? how would you know if you did not see it? I realized that faith is believing in what is and believing that your view on what is is what makes a life good or bad. Your truth is your view of what is. The Truth is what is. So i have decided to live my truth. it is my chosen view to look at the world. It is my Choice. My Truth is My Choice. It is no more or less true than anyone elses, but it is what will determine my existance. I realized that to have faith is to believ in your truth. If you believe that God answers then act as if he has answered. If you believe that love is eternal then act as if it eternal. Live it. Truth is not just the spoken word (in actuality truth cannot be restricted within words. Truth is life. So i decided that if i believe that i am confident and that God has granted me the power to choose it and recieve it, then i am and will act as if i am and it will be so. i am that i am and will call it forth with this truth. We all creator made in the image and likeness of our creator. Let our creations be conscious. Let our being be intentional. Act as if all your prayers are fulfilled. 061025 ... open-ended question from e_o_i I noticed you have said "guidelines" not "rules", but then you seem to regard these as absolutes. Sometimes it's easy to get hung up on rules, and then the inner and the outer world come into conflict... am I making any sense? It's not a criticism, it's just something to think about. Are ideology and practicality ever fully combatible? 061025 ... Christ without the cross These are not absolutes. these are based on the wisdom that i have obtained so far. as i experience i will change the ones that do not fit my new level of understanding. These are personal. They will always be a personal thing and i created them out of perfect freedom. i do not take your words as criticism. Thank you for asking me that. I don't particular believe in absolutes, not at this particular moment and particular place in life, and not with the little knowledge i possess. there is still so much to learn. this is an attempt to add structure and increase my discipline. 061025 ... Christ without the cross These guides are a lot harder than i thoguht they were gonna be. i thought i was ready but i guess iam still afraid. This should all be so natural, but a lot of thing seem to take a tremendous ammount of effort, especially guideline one. How will i be able to go with my first feeling if i never decide to go with my first feeling. i always let fear get in the way. Well all in all, this challenge should be interesting. 061026 ... Christ without the cross I am very excited about my guidelines. today has been a most productive day. I may add some more guidelines and may remove some as well but i will wait a while to see what is working and providing beneficial results 061026 ... Wasandru Well, I've certainly seen worse sets of guidelines. Hang in there. 061026 ... Christ without the cross I think i am getting somewhere. i stayed up almost all night last night thinking. I was thinking about what mattered in life and what was stopping me from truly living by my expectations. Of course the answer is obvious. Fear.It has become so annoying but i am glad that it is there to be overcome. I also thought about people and how it becomes so easy for us to take the high ground and become self righteous. I was talking to my ex the other night. I was being honest, completely expressing my feelings. I tore her apart. Although i felt that she deserved to know what i really thought, i also believe that i came off very self righteous and condescending. Like the right arm of God I pressed down on her. She said some mean things but i was relentless. She couldn't touch me and i let her have it. I felt powerful. But i realized that i had to stand on top of someone else in order to feel tall. I gained power by beating down on another person. I was so harsh with my honesty. What are we really trying to prove here? Are we really trying to do the right thing or are we trying to find a way in order to feel okay about ourselves. Are we trying to love or are we trying to accumalate victims. I should say 'I' because i was thinking about myself last night. We tear eachother down and in every thing we do it seems like we are trying to show who is stronger. We fear vulnerability. We fear the truth. we fear being ourselves. I did nothing to help my ex. I only judged all her actions and made her feel like a horrible person. I think people just want to be okay. And though we do horrible things i think for the most part it is out of frustration. We cant control our lives or ourselves so we manipulate and control people. We lie to hide what's real. We run to avoid what we fear will overpower us. We cry in solitude and we put on shows. We meet eachother and sit down and fatten our egos by collectively judging other people. We criticize and condemn. i did a lot of thinking. What really matters? Will i spend my life feeding off of people's weaknesses, comparing flaws so that i can feel better? Will i spend my life in idle generic conversations about things that lack depth in any way simply to avoid how i really feel? Will i wear a mask and then criticize others for wearing one? Will I be a hypocrite and constantly live in shame for what i don't say and what i don't do? Will i limit my love to protect myself? Will i be afraid? Will I pretend? Will i hate? So many questions. So many things i do not wish to spend my life doing. I may not be accepted if i follow my heart but will i sell my soul to lies just so that i can wear this mask? Does it even matter that they only know the lie? Will i spill my integrity so that people can be comfortable with the shadow of a man, fading in the night? Will i do these things, these things, these dreadful things so that no one will ever really see my heart? is that truth? Is that virtue? is that love if i lie to everyone every day. I will walk towards the mirror. I will remove this mask. I will stare into the eyes of myself for the first time. And as i meet you i will say: "You were the person i always wanted to meet." 061029 ... Christ without the cross I think i can do this. I really think that it wouldn't be that hard. I will however have to give up on wanting people to like me. I will probably be so unusual that people may not even want to be in the same room with me. But i think i can finally be myself and be honest about what i am doing at any moment. And be confident in my honesty. These guidelines have been very difficult to maintain. But i am getting there. I know there will be some relapses but i am prepared for some set backs. Goodbye wanting to be accepted. I finally want to accept myself. But i realize that parting with the want for acceptance is easier said than done 061101 ... Christ without the cross I was thinking about honesty. Honesty has been one of those things that I hold as very important. Well, anyways. I was thinking about how can a person be honest about how they truly feel about a person and say all of the things that they observe about that person without it seeming like the person is taking a seat of judgment. i want to accept people as they are. But i also want to be honest about my true feelings. And, well, lets be honest. I don't always accept people as they are. Sometimes i think they are idiots. i don't want to sugar coat that either. i want them to know that i feel that way but i also want them to feel accepted by me. Okay. It is a personal opinion of mine that if i am bothered/offended/annoyed/irritated by anything anyone is doing saying or being (guideline 8) it is a personal issue and it represents a spiritual problem within myself. If i was completely happy and fulfilled within myself i would not have a problem. But there is that judgmental side of me that wants to throw my values (wherever i got them from) on the whole world. That to, I believe is a personal thing. I don't want to be judgmental, but i don't want to hide my thoughts or feelings, judging them as wrong. I want to accept every part of me but i also want to accept everyone else. How do i do that? How do i love others EXACTLY the way i love myself? I am throwing this into the blue. Perhaps somebody might answer me. 061101 ... Christ wihtout the cross While i am waiting i will try to offer advice to myself and pretend like it is coming from God (for all i know it probably is) Me: So God, what answer do you have for me on this dillema? God: I do not have an answer. There are no definite answers. Life does not work by a particular formula. Every thing is different. Everything moment is unique. I only have a suggestion, a guide that may allow you what you want to accomplish. By doing this you will be able to be both open and honest about your feelings and accepting of everyone elses. Me: Okay. Lets hear it. God: Okay. Take the responsibility for your own emotions. Me:What? God: Take full responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. Me: Still not getting it. God: Okay. I will explain in detail. If you are angry about something that someone is doing, a way to express your anger and still be accepting to the other persons right to choose is to take the responsibility for the emotion you wish to express. This is an act of humility. For instance, instead of saying: "I am angry with you." You can say: "I am angry. This is a personal thing of mine (specify)." In essence do not blame the person for your anger and do not blame yourself either. Just state the emotion that you feel open and honestly and state open and honestly why you feel that emotion. Do not apologize for your feelings but do not blame the other person for how you feel either. take responsbility for your own feelings. This in accordance to your personal opinion that all negative feelings toward a persons actions or thoughts are personal spiritual problems. treat them as such. Eventually you will stop blaming people all together and be able to deal with the real root of the problem within yourself. Me: That seems a little funny to me. This can't be God. Turns out i was just talking to myself. God: Ye of little faith. 061101 ... Christ without the cross Well God, I am deeply considering what you said. i don't think i have been so scared in my whole life. it seems like the biggest step that i could ever make. The decision to tell the whole truth. The decision to not fall back in fear once that truth has been stated. The decision to speak the truth in confidence regardless of my fear. Why does this seem like the biggest decision of my life? It seems like getting ready to die. I think it is because of my fear. I know i could lose so much by saying all the things that most people are too afraid to say. I know I may cause ships to rock and boats to be knocked out of the water all together. But this is so important to me. i'm tired of living this lie because people think it is the only way to live. I am tired of making the suggestion of complete honesty and never taking it. I am aware that a lot of the things that come out my mouth are going to put me in a vulnerable position. I must admit that I'm scared. i must admit that I am insecure. I must own up to my negative thoughts and feelings and be unashamed. I must allow all this ugly to show, allow all of me to be seen. I will have no secrets (unless i made a promise to another person). I will not waver in fearfulness. I will lay out my soul. I am afraid. i am scared out of my mind. But i will do this. I know there might be some losses. But i will finally gain courage. i will finally gain truth. I will finally submerge this hypocrisy that we live on and we roll around in every day. Isn't it worth it? To make a statement and finally live up to it. isn't worth it? To show the world that it can be done. Isn't it worth it. Why hold on to the world and forfeit my own soul. I must let go. I must let go of the want to be accepted and fit in. I don't. i never felt right in this construction called society. I never did fit with social conditions and acceptance of lies. I never quite felt okay with accepting mediocrity. I will live the life i truly want to live and i will let go of trying to make people like me. i will let go of trying to make people understand. i will let go of trying to fit in and trying to make people love me. I cannot control people and why would i want to. I am going to let go of all the effort to keep things in and keep things concealed and hidden. I am going to let go of lying, ommiting, and telling half truths. I will speak my mind as if unashamed. And i will take responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings. I will follow my guidelines. This is a big choice i must make. Am I prepared to make it? We will see. I am going to let go. 061101 ... Christ without the cross Life should be interesting after this. it is actually a peaceful thought, to stop putting so much effort into concealing things. i tried it today with my best friend. he didn't seem to like it much, but i think one day he might appreciate me for it. I took responsibility for my feelings but he is very defensive (personal observation) so he did not take it that way. But all in all, this will be an interesting experience. 061102 ... Christ without the cross Still trapped in the inner swell of fear. I do not know where i got that phrase from. i think i like it. It was an attempt at being clever. Inner swell. That doesn't even make literal sense. Oh God. Does anyone read this page. I am wondering if anyone does. I could probably say anything here. That was probably a call for attention. Its so lonely here in my obsessive mind. I can seem to stop pushing. Im so tense. I really have nothing to write so i am indulging myself in expressing the fact that i have nothing to say. But since this page is designated for me to calm my obssessive mind with a fraudulent sense of purpose and life changing guidelines, i will continue to talk. I do care if people listen but i also want to here myself be ridiculously honest about nothing at all. Is that vain? yes. I am vain bastard hiding in a closet. The things that i do to feed my ego. I might as well form a website. 061104 ... Christ without the cross In a bottle my soul drifts, my heart blends its beat with the monotonous tone of society. So endless is the nagging feeling, the obssessing thought, that the noise stops me from having peace. And this ego stirs up trouble. And my insecurity holds me back. And all these things that keep me from being unconditional, I can't express. i can't face because I am ashamed of them. Must I overcompensate? Must my heart blend with the beat of lies so that I will never be free? I am alone but I fear loneliness. i am far away but I fear being separated. I want to be accepted but the person that i have given to people to accept is false. It is this noise in my head that keeps me from sleep, that keeps me from everyone, that keeps me from the woman that I love. I will not say that today is the day that i will break free. i have had small breakthroughs but I want big ones. I want real ones. I want truth. But patience is the name of the game and I shall have all of these things... somewhere in eternity. 061207 ... falling_alone god- damn sewing 061207 ... falling_alone most of the time i feel that thinking, is what hold us all back. at least certainly myself, self doubt is a very controlling emotion. over-analyzing is also what holds me back from faith of any sort, but can you imagine i actually prayed the other day. me, i prayed. I was raised catholic, i was raised to pray to god. I had only done it meaningfully at one other point in my life. i had always thought i followed my heart on all matters, this gut reaction that swells up inside of me waiting to burst free. do you think that really is me that knows what to do. somehow, i found a little faith when i began praying for strength, for calm in this life around me. i've been feeling better thinking that something is listening, but ultimately it is I who will determine my existance, these guidlines of yours sound no different than what i was raised to believe, despite the fact that the church barely follows them itself. so i commend you, if you ingrain these within your being and follow with love. and really stay away from what you did with your ex, i'm glad you realized that was awful as well. you can't judge without being judged yourself. 061207 ... . nothing within direct human experience and understanding can truly determine your existence. either accept that or have faith (doesn't really matter what, so long as it works for you). 061208 ... Christ without the cross eventually everything connects. Nothing is beyond reach. Nothing is impossible 061208 ... Ishutan I like this idea a lot Christ/sans T I also love that last bit you wrote: "Eventually everything connects." You have some seriously deep thoughts. 070112 ... they call me thruth To fall into yourself is to find peace and realize that there is nothing that you have to do. You are already perfect and all flaws come from the belief that you are not. 070113 ... Christ without the cross letting go is the hardest thing to do but it is neccessary to discover yourself. This is what i've learned 070114 ... sab tonight i figured it out from now, it needs to be me 070115 ... Christ without the cross I must be who I am so that the lie will finally end. 070130 ... Christ without the cross Read you emails 070130 ... Christ without the cross Read your emails 070130 ... Christ without the cross Much has changed....I have grown considerately. Still a lot more work to do. 080210 ... Christ without the cross These guidelines didn't last too long however. I had forgotten about them for a few months. I remember you guidelines. I remember you now 080210 ... yoke are you able? 080210 ... Christ without the cross wow...i forgot you again, lol. Shame on me…shame on me… 080715 ... Christ without the cross interesting enough, i have kept a couple of these considerably well...not perfectly but considerably. Yay me! Maybe i haven't forgotten you 080715 what's it to you? who go blather from