sam grasshopper I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Printer, repeat until page is full. (Sam, you're beautiful and I adore you more than a simple 'I love you' could ever convey) 000727 ... rxx aww....! 010216 ... green eggs and ham iam 010216 ... velvet spasm lucifer_sam 010327 ... lizardqueen youll never know dear how much i love you ..so please dont take my sunshine away. 010603 ... Me She's a drug. Only I seem to have never been addicted. 011203 ... Me Lucifer Sam....hmm...at times... 011203 ... unhinged what happened to you? we all miss you so much....success can only taste bitter for us now. 011204 ... mcdougall the one that that i love. words can't describe my feelings for her. everything about her makes me happy. i want to make her life wonderful. she has already done that for me.i wish she knew i felt this way. i wish she liked me too. Sam. what would i do with out you. i love you 011205 ... ClairE See Samantha. 011205 ... Annie111 i used to like a sam, but he was a samuel. i found out that he just dropped out of school. he is probably working for a plumber somewhere. that is how they all turn out. 011205 ... me Mcdougall...are you ever as happy with Sam as you are doing anything (or with anyone) else? 011221 ... mcdougall me, sam is the most amazing person i have ever met. i think about her so much everyday that it makes me hurt. being with her and talking with her are the things in this world that make me compleatly happy. no one else i have ever meet has made me feel this way. i love this feeling i love sam mcdougall 011227 ... me mcdougall, I only long to be loved that way. Sam - such a simple name holds such intrigue. I wonder if others who know her see it, too. They must if she gives you so much passion. Though, either she's a true diamond, or she's a dragon disguised as a Cinderella. Of course, there's a diamond in us all, but not all of us find it. Does she share your passion? I hope she does. 011229 ... mcdougall me i know for a fact that other people see it too. lots of other guys have liked her and still do. its hard for me to compeat with them but i try. she is both a dimond and a dragon to me. she brings me happness at times and pain at times. the happeness feels so good i forget about the pain and keep going.but when the pain comes back i long for the happness. like a mobius strip it's a continious path. share my passion? i hope so too. 011230 ... me Is there a purpose in the pain? I've learned that in true love, there's always purpose and after the pain is gone, there's growth so that that particular pain doesn't come back. From what I read, that's not so. She must be crazy not to love you. I'd gladly allow myself to be swept away by a love mirroring yours. She must be worth it...her dragon and all. 011230 ... mcdougall she loves another the way i would like to be loved by her but at least we are friends. perhaps thats why it hurts so much. if thats the reason than bring on the pain im ready to be friends. 020102 ... me You're crazy. But you're the best kind of crazy. Willing to put yourself at such vulnerabity even though the woman you love loves someone else. She must offer some ray of hope that she may one day love you. If not, what if being so enthralled (if that is what you are, correct me if I'm wrong) with her is blinding you from another? Unlikely, yet quite possible. It has happened to me. Years ago. 020102 ... mcdougall she does love me. she loves me as a friend. i am happy for that. i just wish there could be more. blinding me? possible indeed. now that i know for sure we will just be friends i can amplify my relationship with an even more Greater friend than sam. one that will always love me back. love me unconditionally . 020104 ... me Greater...with a capital G. God is greater. You seem to have it all under control. I can't remember why I took such an interest in your blather, but I'm certainly glad I did. You seem like a wonderful young man whose seeking. If you seek, you will find. You'll always be in my prayers. Good luck to you. 020105 ... whitney youll never know dear, how much i love you. 020609 ... 5 wot, uh...the deal? 020910 ... the corrector wot's.......uh the deal 020910 ... taojones How Ridiculous. shining stupid person, a beacon of nothing in a world of increasing somethingness. there are so many contradictions, where would I begin? I'll bet the beginning, that's where. a friend once said, "You know, I alwsays imagined you as a famous radio personality," and I'm not sure what to make of that comment. If said comment were playdough, I would make a little dinosaur, and then I would stomp on it to assert my fearlessness of beast & prey. what does that tell you? S A M 021209 ... belly fire don't call me Samantha only my mother does that. Samantha can be saved for the beautiful girls...but not for me. Ick, call me Sam. 021210 ... mcdougall eater_of_heart the black_death of my joy 030212 ... birdmad oh, you've met one of those too... so glad that's all so far past now. (all though every now and then the treadmarks still kinda sting, but not like before) 030212 ... nore i saw sam sitting in the sun at a picnic table today. we talked. he told me to read ishmael and zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance. flaming hackey sack. he had an orange t-shirt on. i gave him a ride home. 030220 ... Mandy My younger sister. It's hard to be around her. Her persistant criticism makes it hard to breathe. I let her make "I can never do anything right" and "I'm ugly and revolting" run through my head about a million times. I try not to let her get to me, but it's hard after so many years. Oh well. I'll suck it up. 030629 ... birdmad as much as i delude myself that i can just put that time out of my mind, i caught myself thinking of her today, quite out of the blue but then i do seem preternaturally prone to having my paper_heart run through the shredder i guess i'm stupid like that sometimes 030630 ... unhinged i had a dream about you last night. i had opened up one of my journals to copy something into and i flipped past the empty pages and there you were. someday you had written these words in colors and shapes to me. i don't remember what it said now. it was a dream. i am still mourning you. you were my light. ... we were sitting in the arby's around the corner from my cousin's house. it was the first time we had seen each other since i had to move home. we were so used to holding each other every night. it was hard for me to get used to falling asleep without you. but we were together again. and of course i felt like everyone in the entire restaurant knew what we had been doing the night before. my cousin's cat and dog and neighbors knew what we had been doing the night before. and i was still in awe of that; it had been about a month since the last time we had sex. having sex with me depressed you because i didn't get off. but it wasn't about you; we never really got to talk about that though. and you were bent on proving yourself to me which i have to say now was definitely not a bad thing. and we sat in that arby's and you told me about your dream. how we were together in this house cleaning up all these toys that some kids had left laying around. you didn't think that they were our kids, but because you were dreaming about us together that was important. it meant that on some other plane we were together. even when we were apart, we were together. dreams meant so much to you. and now when i still dream about you, i think maybe it is because on some plane we are still together. maybe it means like how i pray for you and send you thoughts, that you do the same for me. but chances are, you are mad at me still. .... it was the last performance of madame butterfly. sunday matinee. i was so tired when i got home. we couldn't go for a 'drive' because she had to go home and make plans for her sister's wedding so she took me to taco bell. i was sitting in the suite eating when the phone rang. it was you. you asked me where i was. ummm...in my room...??? because you were up the street at the track. you had just quit your job at pizza hut and didn't have the car. you lived a 20 minute drive or so away. and you were up the street. of course you could come and see me. i wasn't really doing anything. just got back from the opera, sitting eating some dinner. one of those border bowls. so i went outside to wait for you. you talked about how your health was bad; how you used to be able to run and run. then i took you upstairs and gave you some water. you walked all the way from austintown...god. we laid in bed together for a little bit. i put a mixed cd on the stereo but there was a song from your old band on there and i had to get up to change the track but i got up too late and the very first few seconds came on and you laughed at me. i was embarassed. talk about lack of tact. you decided you were going to go walk over to mary's house. i walked you out to make sure you picked up your i.d. at the desk. you turned to me 'i love you. don't think i don't love you. i just get weird sometimes.' i didn't know what to say; my heart stopped. 'i know.' and you leaned down and kissed me. i could see nick walking up towards the door. i watched you walk away. you didn't turn around after you finally started to walk away. you seemed a little bit more bouncy. nick passed me on his way to the door 'that guy sure had a big smile on his face.' i blushed. .... it was friday night in youngstown and me and kt wanted out of the dorm. we drove around and i got high trying to think of somewhere to go. we went through the list twice before we decided on the plaza. the plaza usually had a bunch of frat boys and shit but hey...yeah, the plaza. i walked over to the bar and ran into frank campbell sitting there all shit faced. i started a friendly chat and he told me it was his birthday. and then i felt a hand on my waist and a whisper in my ear 'so when are we getting married?' and i turned around and it was you; i hadn't seen you in like a year and a half. i gave you a big hug and you asked me to sit down with you. you started to tell me about your rough times in vegas 'but i don't want to talk about that anymore; i just want to sit here with you. it's so nice to see you again.' kt came down and sat with us and you grabbed my hand. it was like there was no time between us. but the few times that you got distracted with other conversations, i put my right hand under the left sleeve of my sweater and rubbed on the scabs on my wri