i broke YOUR heart?
you fucking heartless dog
LOOK AT ME and tell me that again.

you befriended me.. WHY?
did you know that you would gain so much power over me?
and you took me to dennys.. and to movies.. and you danced in my head,
and you knocked on my window to see me
at 3 in the morning
and told me about my anger
as if i didn't fucking know
and you told me how amazing i was
and how you admired me
and about all your faith in me, and in god
and about how i am so much more beautiful than the people i surrounded myself with (then).
and you told me about anita.. a month late.
you can't keep that from me for a month.
you betrayed ME
and as of the 19th.. you were back.. thanks to julia.. the sis.
and i'm here..
constantly wondering if i want you here..
i don't know if i want to see you or not. how can you do this to me?!
COLDandBLUEkitty why can't everything be perfect?
why can't life exist without such pain?
why is it that i can't except any comfort from anyone else.
and i just live with the pain, and embrace it?
why can't i just fucking be happy??
why can't the people i adore, adore me back?
why am i so insecure?
why can't john love me back?
why do all the best people in the world live so far away, and why do they have to dismiss me so?? when i love them so much?
why can't everything just be FUCKING PERFECT?!?!
COLDandBLUEkitty so, you like to play your little fucking games
i think i like them too
they rip me apart and cave my soul
but it seems thats all i get from you
i want to scream at you
i want to hurt you
like i've been hurt
but then,
you're there
looking at me, into me
& i fall apart
& fall again
& all my rage turns to love
i feel like a fucking yo-yo
thanks a lot asshole
COLDandBLUEkitty ::john::

are you ready for this? i'm not..
in your "reply" letter, you said that if i didn't see caring thoughtfulness and an open mind in you, then i didn't really know you at all. bull fucking shit john. you have no idea how much you mean to me, and have meant to me. and i really feel betrayed. it's your life, do whatever you want, date whoever you want. that's not it, its that you didn't tell me. and i don't want to say that you owed me that. but that's how i feel. i am so angry right now i am finding it hard to function. there are a few choice words i'd like to say. i want to express my insane anger to you. but that wouldn't accomplish anything except make you angry at me too. so.. whatever. i thought we were friends.. and as friends, you need to be open and honest.. and you wern't.
i am one gigantic mess right now.
i need to know what went on back when we first started hanging out. that's what i'm most angry about. people constantly telling me one thing, you contradicting it, and yet, i never find out the truth. people keep telling me about how much you ::liked:: me, although, i never got that off you. and people still telling me about vinny's partys and i reply the same everytime "i don't know him all that well.. .i wouldn't just show up" and they always relpy.. but john would want you there.. but i know you wouldn't.. so what's the deal.. what was, what is, and what will be??
school here gets out on the 21,
i'll be around til like the 26th..
then me and emily might be going to algona..
and then.. i'm going to check in to fairview i think. i can't take it anymore..
too many things.. too little time.. to fucked up.
but whatever..
you hate email..
write me a real letter..

i know i'm going to regret this..
COLDandBLUEkitty and i DO 001222
COLDandBLUEkitty today is november 6th.
9 days from my 17th birthday.
and that made me come to an odd conclusion..
i am either really special, or really fucking retarded.
hm.. how to explain my thought processes of the day..
i am enveloping into my 17th year on this earth.
in a year (and 9 days) i'll be an adult, in societies terms.
i work for barely over minimum wage, at a job i hate.. with either mentally handicapped or mentally incompetent people. and the few of them that are actually decently sane just talk about fucking and drugs all day. i go to a school, that i approve of. it's fun. but i, being the horrendous bitch i am, beat up and am evil to as many people as possible. in the last week alone, i've kicked two different sets of testicles rather painfully, and caused the owners of them to fall to the ground screaming in agony, and you know what i did? i laughed.. and spat on them, because they are fucking morons that can drop off the face of the earth for all i care. but the school that i can deal with, is also the school that i'm flunking out of, again. having spent two years and then some, of my life on one drug or another, and never attending school, i've fallen quite far behind.. and i find it pointless to try and catch up now.
an exboyfriend (ok, the only exboyfriend) turned best friend, who i have wrapped around my finger. and i don't even realize sometimes how much his entire life revolves around mine.
pretty much one other close friend that i just became friends with. because all my other friends i completely dismissed as either whores, or insincere. and what is left?
i have 3 and 1/2 credits, and odds are, the art school won't put up with me much longer, so it'll be back to roc, and with another year of roc, i'll probably just drop out, i'll be working at the fucking goodwill for the rest of my life, with one single friend, and one single exboyfriend to call my own. my parents will be giving me the boot come summer i expect, they've been wanting me gone for some time. and after all the planned parenthood stuff they found, which in actuality, was a friend of mine's who i was making go get on birth control because she's an out of control slut, who really enjoys the action of spreading her legs, and i thought i'd be a good friend.. but now my parents think i'm a whore.. and yah. great fun.
but i'll be 17.. and i've done nothing with my life thus far.
i barely remember the last two years of my life. few events stand out in my mind as worthy of remembering. and i sometimes think that i'm barely holding on to life it's self, having attempted that "unspeakable" and completely socially unacceptable act of suicide on more than one occasion, failing only by god himself i presume.. barely holding on can't be a good thing.. but i've been barely holding on for years now.
but what is 17 supposed to mean, and as for you, what is 19 supposed to mean.. what the hell is in a number that can make someone stir such emotions? 42.. what do you think? parental?
17, what's in that? what thoughts are stirred? i'm starting to feel very old, and very lost. something should have been accomplished by now. something i can talk about, not that i've gotten my nose broken in a fight, been expelled from school, gotten a band kicked out of a festival simply because i was "jail bait", done several drugs, some of which i can still every once in a while feel the effects of, what is that? i've never followed by dreams past my bed. i've never even watched the sun rise over the horizon. i've never been in love, i went to prom last year with someone i despised, but i looked damn good, so, that was pointless. i've been to more concerts that i could ever remember. some bad, most good. i've discovered myself. but what is in a "self". what is an individual in a society of onlookers constantly judging and evaluating your flaws and features?
but what of 17?
so, i'm either really retarded, because my life seems to be one big crator i keep digging and digging deeper into nothing.
or.. i'm really special because i can see that there really is nothing to aspire to in life and i don't try. who knows? who really cares.
17 sounds old to me, so fucking old. but i feel 30 sometimes, most of the time. too old, i can already hear myself creaking as i ascend the stairs, and cough as i lay down in bed, because i smoke too much, and those fucking migraines. i should be 30. it would make more sense.
14- and any younger.. slut, obviously- or an act of molestation..
15- either way, could be a slut, could be just early
16- seams to me, to be the perfect age
17- suddenly all interest is lost and it's no longer a big deal
and any older is the same..
if you don't loose it before your 17, no one cares, and you don't care.. it's no longer even.. ::loosing it::
it's more like you've found it.
i don't know..
i'm just, having another one of those realizations that everyone has set standards for everything, and if you don't fit into those, there's something wrong with you.
1952, if you're a woman, and have premarital sex, your a whore.. no matter if you were in love or not. you had to get married have children. stay at home and raise them right.
2000, if you don't have premarital sex at least by the age of 16, your prude and or there's something wrong with you, you should fuck a lot, and maybe get married, then divorced, then married, and have joint custody of the kids, while receiving a child-support check in the mail from your first second and third husbands, while currently living with the 4th husband and the 4 kids- in an apartment.. no more white house with the picket fence.
why do things have to change so much? and why does everybody fucking care about everybody else.. what's it matter what your favorite color is and what is says about your personality, and why send those stupid email "questionnaires" to everyone you've ever met? like i really want to tell the whole world what i sleep in and what i like to get myself off with, i'm sorry. fucking assholes.
intimate conversations with close friends are something that i treasure more than live itself, or anything else for that matter (life means little if anything to me) but those conversations seem to be the only thing i am even capable of looking back on fondly.. and why demean their meaning by treating everyone as though they were your life long play mates? as though they were the shoulder you'd cried on for years.. by telling them your most intimate secrets and desires, when you've knows them for a week tops. that pisses me off. if you ask, i'll tell if you mean the world to me.. and very few mean little, if anything to me. grrr ranting..
how are we.. the people of this society, supposed to exist in the cubicles of stereotypes that have been assigned to us.. or we've chosen? why can't we be who we are and NOT be an assigned stereotype.. like rich, poor, smart, degenerate, punk, goth, any of those stupid subcultures that are known by either music or dress. why can't our minds be what we are judged by? our thoughts on issues- our way of expression? why does it have to be the way we dress, or the way we walk, or who we associate with.. only further jamming ourselves into the cubicle of the stereotype?
on the brink of adulthood.
but what if you look and feel older, but want to be 5? what then? what if adulthood is the farthest thing from your mind.. and the closest thing to panic you can think of? what if you are mentally incompetent to even go through the day following the rituals of this society, without snapping at least once- privately.. but every once in a while- publicly.
starting your life. of legal voting and smoking age.. and not much else. usually.. by the age of 19, one would know something about what they wanted their future to entail.. some shred of future that will start them on a path.. no rights or wrongs yet.. just a path. but 19, you could be married, maybe little babies crying, sobbing to be held.. as you flip the burgers at mcdonalds.. but your at a college.. studying what you love, or what to love, or excel at.. but you've chosen your path.
what does that feel like?
to be 19? apparently you'll know soon enough..
and you'll say, it feels the same as 18.
but does it really?
at 19, your being put into an entirely new cubicle.. about the same size and coloration, but every year they change.. ever so slightly, so you can't see. but you're being placed into an entirely new set of standards and stereotypes. what the fuck? why do people do that to themselves?

in 9 days..
i'll be 17..
17, and a virgin- so i'm either prude or ugly.
17, and retarded in school- a burnout still coming back, and lazy.
17, and working full-time at a job i hate, either i'm lazy or in actuality, mentally handicapped like the people i work with.
17, and a fucking bitch, who knows why
17, and.. unhappy.. i want to retire.

in 2 months..
you'll be 19..
19 and what?

i think a lot.. and sometimes i just write..
COLDandBLUEkitty once in a life time
we come across something really worth fighting for
and that something is often something we NEED to fight for
it's something that tears at our soul
and burns our hearts
it is something we are really truely passionate about
and that something in my life at this moment in time
is my feelings for that certain *bastard*
i know that he is worth fighting for
more so than most
more so than any i have come across
but the question here is..
am i ready to fight for him?
and do i have the capability to?
am i strong enough to stand up to him
and what i believe about him
do i have the courage to
these questions are unanswered
because i don't know the answer
and if i don't know them...
does any one

what in life is more worthy?
more worthy of humiliation
more worthy of agony
more worthy of defeat
what in life is there that i am more passionate about
he's cold
he's heartless at times
he cares nothing for me
but how can i change that
how can i make him see that i am not "after" him
i am simply infatuated with him
COLDandBLUEkitty i play nice
i'm kind and sweet
but inside i rage
i can never let you see
what it is, you do to me

your eyes meet mine
and my soul burns
you look away
and the fame is snuffed out

your control over me
surpasses reality
you'll never understand
but that's ok
you don't care anyway

you live your life
never giving me a second thought
i appear strong
and not to mind
but it's slowly killing me

each day that passes
with out the blade cutting clean
i embrase
i don't know how long it will last

i'm not depressed
not to much
not to bad
i'm heart broken
i'm stripped bare
all the life that was me
is meaningless
so i let it go.
COLDandBLUEkitty i find you a mystery
you are an eturnal puzzle
to many pieces
to ever complete
so complex
so passionate
so intriquite
you fascinate me
your very being
enters my pores
and makes me function
COLDandBLUEkitty it's new years eve
i'ma ll alone
not in reality
but in spirit
my heart is here
but it's here
beatign and pounding
at the thought of you
what would i give for a moment of your company?

my mind is here
thinking thoughts
and missing you
the way you smell
the way you smile
and unfortunately...
the way you hate me

my spirit is bare
stripped of all hope
hate and anger
and addiction
have destroyed it
it's gone.

will it ever regain the love,
the peace,
and the compassion it once had?

it's new years eve
i'm all alone
but i really have no choice.
COLDandBLUEkitty it's new years eve
i'ma ll alone
not in reality
but in spirit
my heart is here
but it's here
beatign and pounding
at the thought of you
what would i give for a moment of your company?

my mind is here
thinking thoughts
and missing you
the way you smell
the way you smile
and unfortunately...
the way you hate me

my spirit is bare
stripped of all hope
hate and anger
and addiction
have destroyed it
it's gone.

will it ever regain the love,
the peace,
and the compassion it once had?

it's new years eve
i'm all alone
but i really have no choice.
you look at me
with those piercing eyes
stabbing through my thoughts
disecting them and judging every word,
before it's even spoken
you know nothing of me
yet you claim "to know the type"
COLDandBLUEkitty ::[i learned it from you]::

you call my name
i give no response
you come to see you
i don't welcome you
you pass me by
and i turn away
i don't look
i don't care
i do it,
because i learned it from you
COLDandBLUEkitty [i miss]

i miss the friendship we once had. i miss the talk of punk shows. i miss coming home and seeing your number on my caller id. i miss you calling me asking me if i could do anything, but being unable to because of my retard parents and that retarded permanent house arrest. i miss when you used to call me punker. i miss "burning smokes" and the lovely coffee and conversation at dennys. i miss the way you drive (stupid, but true). i miss laughing over the stupidest things you'd do. i miss your sincerity. i miss listening to those songs you'd write on the spur of the moment. i miss study hall last year in the cafeteria, when on occassion you'd come and chat with me. i miss seeing you at church. i miss the talk of fights, even though we never went through with it. i miss how opinionated you are. i miss you love of WIRE coat hangers. i miss how fun you are. i miss your hatred of technology. i miss your complete honesty. i miss how creative you are. i miss how artistic you are. i miss looking into your eyes, & seeing so much more looking back at me. i miss how you speak so genuinely. i miss how nuts you get when your drunk. i miss how fun you are in a pit. i miss your "dog van" even though it has been retired. i miss the way you smell. i miss the way your hair was always in your face and in a mess. i miss how ::wise:: you are. i miss the way you smile, and the way you smoke..
COLDandBLUEkitty who do you think i am?

i really..
hmm.. i think that you are a great person.
but a shitty person at the same time. but then again, if i were in your place. i would have done the same thing. so.. i guess i cna't blame you. i'm just a ::retard:: and deserve to be brushed aside i guess. la la la la la.

i vent, by writting,, writing, writing, and well.. writing.
and lately.. ok, the last 3 years- more my emotions and perspectives on things having to do with you.

god, i mean,
whenever we actualy hung out i was so nervous i like, barely spoke at all! i don't know why i was so nervous.. i honestly didn't like you at all abck then, DAAAAAANG! you were hmm...

popular and too cool for me,
so it kinda weirded me out, as to like ::why:: you were talking to me. i always thought that there was a bet going or something with your friends. perhaps that's just middle school paranoia coming out, but still. and then you just like, stopped talking to me out of the blue. that was a shitty thing to do.

my perspective on the whole not talking thing is..
I HATE IT when you like, spent time and effort getting to know someone and befriending them, and then all contact suddenly stops. it's like, there's a part of your life missing. hmm..
like, you have a heart.. and there are things that make it up. people, places, thoughs. emotions, opinions, stuff like that. and when there's something missing, like a person, you're not as whole anymore. and i hate that. it happens way too much. am i just off on a cloud here, or do you follow?

as far as i've gathered so far, life is all about the experiences and people and influences in life that make you who you are, and then people are supposed to pass on the knowledge and insights and things that they've learned through the years to other people, and it's like an on-going cirle of shared lives. and everything you grow from, you can help other people grow from too. but it's better to look back on things and have experienced joy, than a loss.

i seriously, and totaly honestly..
look apon you as a lost friend. someone that i had bonded with, and then ran away.

why did you run away?

it's all about the simple things in life man. seriously.
the best memorys i have are of shows, and personal bonding time with folks. and i've had both with you.

holy crap, the anti-flag/dropkick murphys show was so awesome. i never
know anyone in the pit with me. all my lil punk buddys are either weaklings, or self-consious. and it sucks. but it was so special to be able to look around and actualy know someone else who was getting their ass beat. seriously... it was awesome.
-and all those times at dennys! aaah.. the memorys. i don't even remember what the hell we always talked about, but as far as i can remember, we always had pleanty to talk about


i just...
i really don't want to loose you as a friend. but, i know that i already lost you a long time ago. it sucks.
and it really sorta kinda... PISSES ME OFF!!

[except emily goes in the pits with me now]
COLDandBLUEkitty how can you love and hate someone so much.
the john i love
the john i hate
john the fucker

the john i dream of
the john i ignore
john the fucker

the john from chicago
that rarely comes home
he's a fucker.

::[.a.n.d. .i. .m.i.s.s. .h.i.m.]::
stupidpunkgirl this boy, seemingly perfect.
this is the boy that meghan deserved.
but, now, you're not perfect after all.
and now you don't deserve my meghan.
you shouldn't of done what you did to her.
you should of told her the truth.
take her seriously.
and handle with care.

she is usually the one who beats boys up.
but watch out john......i'm after you
. ::splash:: 001224
COLDandBLUEkitty your tape:

SweeT DreamS... (side 1)
veruca salt~aurora
tori amos~1,000 oceans
pj harvey~missed
fiona apple~to your love
lisa loeb~i do
suzanne vega~luca
k's choice~not an addict
mazzy star~fade into you

ZZzzzz... (side 2)
natalie merchant~the letter
ani difranco~untouchable face
the cartigans~step on me
bif naked~i died
L7~fuel my fire
poe~angry johnny

do you GET IT?
rollins Half of life is fucking up - the other half is dealing with it 010106
COLDandBLUEkitty you finaly listened to the tape.
you said one night you couldn't sleep so you put it in.. and it put you to sleep and you thanked me for it.
i know you got what i meant by it!
fuck you!!
acknowlege it!
stupidpunkgirl i want to kill him
but i'm sure not as much as you do
pathwrat im sure in my life
ive played the part
and never knew it
and then again, maybe i did know it.

i used to know this girl,
she was my best friend
and then in middle school everyone called her
old "booger-eater"
my math teacher told everyone that we ate lunch together
and they all picked on me in class
"steffan likes booger eater, steffan likes booger eater."

so i threw a chair at him
and i never talked to her again.
years later i found a piece of paper in a book from her that said
"we'll always be friends forever"
(from the fox and the hound, a movie i will never watch again.(even though tim burton claims he hid subliminal frames or burtonisms in it.)
and underneath that quote
her initials, and mine
joined with a plus sign.
i remembered how our friendship meant so much
and was destroyed by my weakness so easily

she believed in me
and i let her down.

years later, i met a wonderful girl
but i wasn't ready for a relationship,
and i asked her to be strong for me,
because i am so weak
and one night
i pushed it to the limit
and she held on,
though she wanted to give in
and i came to my senses and didn't push anymore
i told her
"thank you, and someday i'll be ready. you are so strong, just wait a little while."
she was my close friend (perhaps one of my closest)
for years, and during that time, i fell
out of love with her
(or out of the idea of love with her, which is all it really was)
and i always thought she fell out of that idea too.

but when after a long while, i was ready to love again,
i chose a new lover
not her
and one night, on the phone
while she nonchalantly told me meaningless things about her day
i asked her if i had ever hurt her feelings
and listened horrified, as she told me how i had broken her heart.

when i left for another state, she moved, and did not tell me her address, and has never spoken to me again.

she believed in me
and i let her down.

there are lots of things i've done
when young and foolish
that i regret now
may realize
that the cost of his crimes
wasn't worth the enjoyment
he gains by commiting them
and if not
then he's
and you are better off without him
(what a fucking cliche! it's true, but it doesn't make things any easier.)

my advice to you
(if you care, which is fine if you don't)
is to keep writing, and go for the geeks.
they don't stay that way forever.
.. .. 010409
. . 010924
- . 020927
distorted tendencies I'm glad you finally went away and moved. 020927
what's it to you?
who go