new_dream_lessons raze continued from: more_things_learned_from_dreams even_more_things_learned_from_dreams and_still_more_things_learned_from_dreams yet_more_things_learned_from_dreams 211122 ... raze when a season is more of a feeling than a division of the year, it's possible to steal someone's summer. the key is not having a plan. 211123 ... raze a true comic artist responds to pressure to include garish product placement in their work by doing it in the most sarcastic, half-assed way possible. 211124 ... unhinged authentic people and true friends do exist on the internet 211124 ... raze when confronted with an antagonistic group of adolescent boys, your best course of action is to appeal to their egos. tell them you like their hair. once you get them talking about themselves, they'll forget all about whatever they planned on doing to you. 211125 ... kerry blather is calling—listen more carefully. 211125 ... raze when i'm trying to wend my way through a thick cloud of spiderwebs, i briefly become robin williams. but only in the third person. 211126 ... raze no lead is ever safe in a basketball game (also true in the waking world). 211127 ... raze the abyss of "why go there?" is really fascinating to me. (that's a direct dream quote.) 211128 ... raze there isn't anything that can't be expressed through dance. 211129 ... raze sometimes the only appropriate piece of music to soundtrack your life is a cheesy, overwrought, flute-driven muzak version of "love, reign o'er me". 211130 ... raze even the people you dislike the most are capable of the occasional good deed (like, say, recommending a brilliant dentist). 211201 ... tender_square it’s perfectly acceptable to cut one’s own hair in the midst of getting needled with a face tattoo. i have the power to out-dance a cat. the best way to retain what you’ve read, according to my dad, is to go through the material backwards. 211201 ... raze some guitars are really horses, and when they're stressed out they eat the eggs they lay. give that horse a bale of hay in the back of a truck, though, and they're in heaven. 211202 ... tender_square even in dreams you can be labeled "too sensitive" when you ask a former friend not to refer to you as a "bitch" because it isn't appropriate. 211202 ... raze you can play the slow game or the fast game, but you can't pay someone to slip a protective polypropylene sheet over each individual page of a thick book. that's a job you need to do yourself. 211203 ... raze kaleidoscopic pizza is a swell idea, but in trying to be everything to everyone it kind of turns into a confusing mess with a soggy crust that no one wants to eat. 211204 ... raze there are people in this world who will try to frame you for crimes you didn't commit just because of the books you read. 211205 ... tender_square some couples can be surprisingly cool when they catch you using their porch to retie your shoes, going so far as to offer you a drink and inviting you to stick around to watch them makeout. 211205 ... raze it's always summertime in serbia. 211206 ... raze some mysteries can only be solved by staring at your own reflection in a handheld mirror. 211207 ... tender_square smurf croissants exist and they're delicious (though i don't think they're made from actual smurfs, they are dubbed this for their color). 211207 ... kerry smurf croissants!! i'm jealous of your dreams, tender_square. 211207 ... tender_square i don't know what's up with my unconscious lately, kerry! that one may be courtesy of dream leaf; whenever i take those capsules before bed i get kookier dreams than usual. 211207 ... raze when you've only got two hours to get your good name back, it's obvious what you need to do: call colonel sanders and intimidate him over the phone, and let word of mouth take care of the rest. 211208 ... tender_square vessels will momentarily warp under a sudden change of temperature, but afterward they’ll retain their basic shape, kind of like psyche. you can’t text on a hot pink toy cash register. when it spits out its mouth, the only material to be spent in its drawer is time, ticking away. the notion of heat has different meanings. he can draw the curtains shut to keep cool air out of drafty windows, but i prefer what light offers to my sunning soul. 211208 ... raze i'm pretty adept at climbing fences for a west highland terrier. 211209 ... raze there's a mixed drink called a cherry ass. you don't want to try it. trust me. 211210 ... raze you've heard the expression "don't bring a knife to a gun fight", right? well, here are some more words to live by: don't bring hotdogs to a pancake breakfast. 211212 ... raze toothpaste probably isn't the best thing to add to your skincare routine. especially if you're slathering your whole face with the stuff. on the bright side, if you're using sensodyne, your cheeks should be less sensitive to extreme weather. 211213 ... raze you can knock steven seagal out cold with a single punch, and you can drag him from his own campfire with his hands tied behind his back, but you can't stop him from saving his unrealistic love interest and one-dimensional sidekick from the threat of mild inconvenience. 211214 ... raze dr. phil doesn't make the most appealing adult film star. the effort is there, but seeing him writhing and smiling on a casting couch just feels wrong on so many levels. 211215 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Belatedly: If I start stringing beads to make a ring, it will turn into a bracelet and then a somber meditation on the history of places. The Place des Arts centre has hopped from Montreal to Munich, Germany - it does that sometimes, probably because both cities sell cars. So do Detroit and Windsor, which have merely switched places. Nobody just has a beer. It always has to go WITH something. Don't insult bus-station squatters with inferior salads. They won't accept bowls of plain lettuce drizzled with sauce. (And thanks, raze - I like this blathe's pun on "newdream"!) 211215 ... raze i thought we were due for a new one after yet_more_things_learned_from_dreams started taking a really long time to load. the play on words was a total happy accident; i was just trying to come up with something better than "and even still yet maybe more things learned from dreams". ha! as soon as unhinged and kerry said what they did near the top, i thought, "how did i *not* see the blather connection?" it makes me happy to see you here. no dream blathe is complete without you. 211215 ... raze you can do a lot of things to make a child laugh, but nothing makes them happier than watching someone perform gender affirmation surgery on a snowman. 211216 ... raze in a world where things like sleep and relaxation have been commodified and animals have been outlawed, a stray tuxedo cat will risk his life to sleep beside me, proving that real love never falters in the face of fear. 211217 ... tender_square i can pull off bmx stunts first try. this is a far cry from my waking life, where i dislocated my shoulder the first time i descended a hill. 211217 ... raze here's the true test of a karaoke aficionado: how many songs from the 1920s can you sing with confidence? 211218 ... raze people start plotting some pretty strange things when they have access to your tax information, but it's nothing emma watson and a hammer can't sort out. 211219 ... raze eric roberts is always willing to show up as a guest star on a soap opera. it's one of the laws of the universe. 211220 ... tender_square sometimes you still have to wait for your turn in a check-out line, even if you’re not carrying anything in your arms to take with you. sometimes all you need to leave with are your visions for what your life could be. 211220 ... raze patrick stump is full of surprises. one of them is a surprisingly solid jeff_buckley impression. 211221 ... raze it's only logical to sing a chicago song while flossing one's teeth. which chicago song, you ask? "hard to say i'm sorry", of course. 211222 ... raze in the right context, the word "penguin" can be pretty terrifying. 211223 ... raze after biting off someone's nose, it's only polite to quote some shakespeare to them. suitably mutilated, of course. to wit: "shall i compare thee to a noseless face?" 211224 ... raze sometimes the loot you think you've stashed with an old criminal friend for a rainy day is really a communal cash box, a "take what you need" program designed to help anyone who's in a tight spot. and that can lead to some awkward moments after you've taken all the money for yourself. 211225 ... raze a fur-covered vacuum cleaner is a pretty strange thing to see in your living room. 211226 ... e_o_i Gandalf accompanies Saruman and Wormtongue to the grocery store to make sure they don't slip anything magic into their bags. 211226 ... raze michael keaton is still the best batman, and sylvester stallone's career choices are questionable even in the dreamworld. 211227 ... raze on my first day back at school after summer vacation, the most important thing is how well the sleeves of my shirt fall against my forearms. 211228 ... raze if you really want to piss a mob boss off, steal his polish sausage. 211229 ... e_o_i The reason my bed is lumpy is because right under the blankets are rocks, leaves, and clumps of soil. I'm strangely okay with this - I just move the rocks. 211229 ... raze interviewing a squirrel might lead you to the revelation that squirrels are the nearest creatures to god, with the exception of the occasional human being (and those people are hard to come by). 211230 ... tender_square chefs can be clowns, and clowns can be chefs. that and i learned that my last name is thompson. 211230 ... tender_square glass shelves can surprisingly support my weight when i climb them. seatbelt buckles make great costume brooches. you can live in a house with a bunch of highly intelligent people but that won't preclude one of them from shitting in a sink. 211231 ... tender_square sometimes the salt you spill is not for tears that will soon be shed, by rather for the tears you have already cried. 220101 ... raze a potted sunflower will make a surprisingly effective wireless router in a pinch. 220102 ... raze everything you ever wanted to know about someone you'll never meet is in a matchbox resting on a window_sill somewhere. 220103 ... tender_square even in the dreamworld i can’t deny the thrill of bargain hunting, family gatherings be damned. there are computer systems in existence that not only capture the present as it is unfolding, but also draft the future based on vibrational changes in daily circumstances. 220103 ... e_o_i David tells me there are two kinds of vampires: "Nosferatu" ones, who can "love as the undead", and "Minas Tirith" ones, who can only "fight as the undead". (Nosferatu is the name of a vampire movie, but Minas Tirith is a place from The_Lord_of_the_Rings.) 220103 ... raze mickey rourke is hiding some awfully nice cleavage beneath that blazer of his. who knew? 220104 ... tender_square i have three congratulatory cakes, or they're going-away cakes, or they represent one of each and the last cake is for something i can't remember. the cakes are pre-sliced but they won't stay as contained units, their shapes deflate as soon as i plate them. no one was around until i wanted a piece for myself and then i was surrounded by faces i didn't know, hands hungry. i woke up thinking about mac demarco's "passing out pieces." 220104 ... raze as long as you can remember the smile of the person you love and hold that image in your mind, your hands will always be able to find them, even in the comprehensive darkness of an unfamiliar room. 220105 ... raze people, like mice, can get into your house through holes you can't see. but people are harder to get rid of. they don't sell traps large enough to ensnare them. you have to make your own. 220106 ... tender_square sometimes you wait for ambulances to pick you up at the hospital and if you’re too well dressed the emt’s don’t believe that you need help for your mouth injury. when you have to choose between a hospital bed or a chapel, sometimes the best option is to wait seated on the floor, by an elevator, with your arms wrapped around yourself hoping people don’t see you. 220106 ... raze the only valid excuse for not washing the floor is the threat of deportation. 220107 ... raze a blathe about red donuts just might have the power to make those donuts materialize outside of blather. 220108 ... kerry just accept the gift already! 220108 ... tender_square the problem with giving me the power of the remote is that i won't be able to stop myself from fiddling with the buttons. why everyone was so upset when i accidentally turned the lights on in the home theater is a mystery to me—they know that's what happens when you leave me with gadgets! 220108 ... raze there are worse things to get tattooed on your lower back than the bat signal. 220109 ... raze few things in this world are more distressing than shellfish obesity caused by drastic overfeeding. 220110 ... raze if it rhymes with a buck, you're out of luck. if it rhymes with a dime, then you're out of time. 220111 ... raze you find monkeys in the strangest places. 220112 ... raze the world will always need oatmeal and raisin cookies. 220113 ... raze singing is a form of emotional time travel. 220114 ... raze shitty people often smell like shit. 220115 ... tender_square wombats can live in the water. sand can dilute the level of alcohol in a lake. (i may need a dream tutor.) 220115 ... raze all bets are off when someone who says "um" every third word accuses me of not knowing how to speak properly. reverse bonus points if they cluck like a chicken in an effort to goad me into a fist fight. 220116 ... e_o_i I think it would be cool to be related to Tori Amos, whom my dream mind calls Terri, but I might instead be related to another, more boring Terri who looks more like me. (look, if people from my imaginary_life can be related to music composers...) 220116 ... raze whenever possible, opt for the polite way to choke someone who's trying to kill you on an elevator. it'll pay off down the road when you become grudging allies. 220117 ... e_o_i You can totally build a cardboard fort as an adult. Only it'll be in the middle of the park, it's part of an art co-op, and you're encouraged to hold office hours. 220117 ... raze jeff_tweedy is a generous dude in the dreamworld. why, just last night he gave me a new pair of studio monitors. they were a little underpowered, sure ... but the thought was there. 220118 ... e_o_i Nicki Minaj was the first person to shoot a music video on the moon. When I relay the news, I shake my head, conveying disdain at the extravagance of her voyage (it cost either 2.6 million or 2.6 billion dollar) but I'm secretly jealous. 220118 ... e_o_i edits *dollars 220118 ... raze shad moss (aka "bow wow") brings us together, much like montel williams once did. 220119 ... raze wilford brimley was born on this day in 1992. it doesn't seem possible, but i read it right here on red_blather, so it must be true. 220120 ... raze you can eat cocaine, but it's just going to taste (and sound) like crushed ice. and the nutritional value of a cocaine snack is questionable at best. 220121 ... tender_square some math tests have a coloring component and i must say, i'm pretty good with a blue colored pencil; it makes up for what i lack with fractions. 220121 ... raze a cassette is only as reliable as the tape deck that's playing it. 220122 ... tender_square kurt cobain and courtney love do not care for brandy (the singer), and the dislike is mutual. i didn't expect them to heckle her, but then again, they were the last people i'd ever expect to see at one of her shows. (brandy kicked them out.) 220122 ... raze when attempting to outwit a nefarious organization that means you harm, it's important to break for cheesecake. 220123 ... raze 50 cent isn't the most wholesome or trustworthy classmate, but if you want some free drugs, he's your man. 220124 ... raze a gasoline glaze makes you especially susceptible to sunburn. 220125 ... raze the dancers i'm counting on to guide me home will pirouette into darkness right when i need them most. 220126 ... e_o_i When I boast to my dad that learning the Hebrew alphabet will be easy because I already know the Sanskrit (Devanagari) one, he cautions me to start with one letter at a time. "This one is very important." And he writes ה. (I knew it was a real letter, so I asked Dad this morning if it had any significance. It's He, pronounced "hey", and it makes an h sound. A further search revealed what I half-remembered: in the dreidel game, it gives you half of the tokens. So it might relate to my prayer for an earlier day: "Help me to be at least half productive.") 220126 ... raze i can never write my name intelligibly when it really counts. 220127 ... tender_square it’s pretty amazing that the couple across the street can argue and rock on the same outdoor porch swing simultaneously. 220128 ... raze it's pretty weird to see a music video by mr. dressup while you're running a bath. especially when he's singing a bruce springsteen song in a baritone reminiscent of johnny cash. but once you get past the cognitive dissonance of watching a piece of your childhood have awkward sex with a chunk of your adolescence, it's surprisingly good. 220128 ... raze kitchen-dwelling keyboards are not my friends. 220129 ... e_o_i After you've been left alone and nervous on a highway surrounded by sand, after you've walked across an eerie silent hall, you can celebrate your return to company by asking your roommates, "How come people have foot fetishes when they don't have sex WITH feet? I mean, I've never seen a condom for toes." 220129 ... e_o_i (I was also trying to convince one of them that he wouldn't put someone's foot in his vagina. And it wasn't that he was specified as trans. It was just that dream-me assumed everyone had vaginas.) 220129 ... raze there's always room for a pun or two in a lethargic fist fight. (and all this talk of foot sex is reminding me of the absurdity of the vajankle, which was commemorated on the "realistic" blathe.) 220130 ... raze green deodorant is a perfectly acceptable substitute for marijuana when you're a drug dealer in a tight spot. 220131 ... raze tired of using bullet points to organize a list? try a heart instead. it serves the same function, but it's much prettier to look at, and that's before you even start digging into the potential symbolism. 220201 ... unhinged he didn't acknowledge you because he has moved on or he couldn't see you fully because other things were in the way 220201 ... tender_square if the majority of your class leaves before your group graduation photo can be taken, elle mcpherson will at least autograph your wine flute as a consolation. 220201 ... raze when a promise ring becomes a softball, you better hope you don't accidentally knock over a stranger's garbage can after lobbing the thing across_the_street without looking. 220202 ... raze staircases and the people who traverse them sometimes conjure memories of music videos i've never seen but have somehow been a part of. 220203 ... tender_square you can’t split your calves with metal rods. (well, you can, but it’s not very comfortable). also, wearing a suit confidently can make other women second-guess your gender. 220203 ... tender_square you can’t splint your calves with metal rods. (well, you can, but it’s not very comfortable). also, wearing a suit confidently can make other women second-guess your gender. 220203 ... tender_square (goddamn double posts.) 220203 ... raze looking to add some extra spice to your high? try combining advil with mdma. it'll give you a nice mellow buzz while counteracting any potential pain or inflammation that might arise while waging war on the dance floor. 220204 ... tender_square considerations of space and time are crucial, but less integral than you might imagine when it comes to the love you have with him, transcending both of those limits. 220204 ... raze emotion is the only currency that holds any real value. 220205 ... e_o_i I don't quite know what I've done to embarrass my mother, but apparently it warrants her yelling, "I can never make love in the kitchen again!" 220205 ... tender_square battery-free discmans exist, and instead of playing music they issue you directions for wherever you want to go. i thought it would be something useful in a bustling place like nyc, but now i’m wishing i would have gone back in the dream and bought it for direction in my life. 220206 ... raze it's difficult to return something to its rightful place when you can't remember where you found it. 220207 ... e_o_i British currency is confusing; I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with a rectangular "49/57 pence" coin. At least I still have a rectangular Canadian dime that will pay for licorice. But then the licorice stand might think you want a doll with a tinfoil torso and pipe cleaner limbs. 220207 ... tender_square where the act of building is concerned, there’s always allowable room available to fit more love per square inch. 220207 ... raze be careful whose blood you get on your hands. trying to save a stranger's life might get you charged with a crime you didn't commit. 220208 ... tender_square my family lineage of women are with me and, this time, i am unafraid of the cat that curls up in my lap. 220208 ... raze bathroom doors are not my friends. 220209 ... raze there's a link to be made between adult film stars and mainstream stunt performers in the way they both surrender their bodies to their craft and suffer the consequences. 220210 ... tender_square cabs are hard to come by when you can't find a payphone, it's raining outside, and the cops are arresting people playing slot machines inside convenience stores. 220210 ... e_o_i Sometimes, a woman who stands spookily in the shadows of a hall just wants to help me in my writing. 220210 ... raze you_never_know when the person you respect the least might invest in your future behind your back. 220211 ... raze when planning a prison break, it might be best to commandeer a less conspicuous vehicle than a city bus. 220212 ... raze eating an insect is never the solution to a stubborn math problem. 220213 ... e_o_i My new job: teaching a 3-year-old kid what a syllable is. She doesn't really get it, but at least her parents don't blame me when she gets lost. They're just annoyed that I didn't remember her name was Marigold. 220213 ... raze sometimes the person you think is your ally is really just a reporter trying to snag a juicy story. 220214 ... e_o_i I'm old enough to address my former music teacher by his first name when I see him at the mall. "Hi, Simon!" I call to Simon Cowell. 220214 ... raze disrespect my stuffed animals at your own peril. 220215 ... raze there's a correlation between sleep and steely dan, but i can't quite work out the specifics. 220216 ... tender_square sometimes, interrupting a theater performance to announce who you are, where you’re from, and who you’ve always loved is far more consequential than any rehearsed action onstage. 220216 ... e_o_i Alternative what_if sequel to Left_Behind: the character Buck goes to hell, where he's only allowed to hear (choral) music from heaven for one hour every day. Otherwise the music is dissonant and disagreeable (or so he thinks). This is because LaHaye and Jenkins can't stand classical avant-garde stuff. It's pretty blatant. 220216 ... raze at the peak of its distress, a worm's brain will sometimes explode out of its ear. fret not, for that worm will revive itself, redder and angrier than before, but otherwise unchanged. 220217 ... e_o_i A popular American conspiracy theory: Boba Fett killed JFK. 220217 ... raze the most meaningful rituals take place in chocolate shops. 220218 ... raze discovering the occupant of an abandoned house is someone who used to live there can be worse than finding a violent squatter inside. 220219 ... tender_square i don’t know what’s more horrifying, that the governor of massachusetts failed to send rescue squad for a tender that sunk in boston harbor, or that the crew, well-versed in sea-faring life, decided to go down with the ship when they could've swam for shore. my most recent dream mail includes a waterlogged copy of the latest "windsor star" and a postcard from a friend who’s name i neglected to note. 220219 ... raze one must always sing while washing dishes. always. 220220 ... tender_square a beloved shirt that was cut from your body at the hospital when you dislocated your shoulder in real life 26 years ago is available to wear in the dream world, intact save for the neck band (how very flashdance) and you don that royal purple cecchetti ballet tee for all it’s worth. 220220 ... raze restringing a piano isn't as simple as changing a string on a guitar, though some high_school teachers would like you to believe it is. 220221 ... e_o_i Clothing store decorations: a plastic model of a cake slice set on a pedestal, labeled "Reese's salted caramel toffee." I wonder why they're so specific about the flavour and the branding when the cake isn't even real. 220221 ... raze catching the end_credits of a movie you loved as a child can be plenty nostalgic all on its own. 220222 ... e_o_i Dream_poetry ends up being about elbows. 220222 ... raze the best birthday present anyone could give me is a collection of t-shirts from every "rocky" movie. even if they're all just different solid colours with "rocky" in white letters on the front. 220223 ... tender_square i am not responsible for the injuries others incur when i suggest they should dance on tables. 220223 ... e_o_i In the room next to dream_choir practice, Canadian South Park is a manifestation of my psyche. 220223 ... raze there's only one thing to do when dog drool dirties your camera lens at a pivotal moment: visit the towel store. not the brush store. *never* the brush store. 220224 ... tender_square tom hanks will do anything for a laugh, even if it means stuffing his face with five different kinds of fish and sucking on a lemon. 220225 ... raze in 2019, a man named fred smith changed his first and middle names to "chitty" and "bang", because he wanted people to address him as "chitty bang smith" in a twisted homage to the 1968 film "chitty chitty bang bang". it's written on wikipedia, so it must be true. 220226 ... raze all kamikaze missions should begin with a billy_joel song. 220227 ... e_o_i My dream_woman has four breasts sometimes; I think my dream_crafts should involve sewing rather than magic. 220227 ... raze one way to send a very clear message to lazy city_workers is by pausing on your long walk home to shit in every crater you find in the sidewalk. 220228 ... e_o_i If you pop a pill and winged ants appear on your bathroom floor, that doesn't mean hallucination is a side effect of the medication: you try and fail to hallucinate animated Lego. This pill simply causes winged ants to appear. 220228 ... raze james caan's mouth is distressingly heart-shaped up close. 220301 ... raze love's volume can be diminished with the right remote control, but it won't be silenced. 220302 ... e_o_i "gerund likes a gerund" in a sing-song taunt 220302 ... e_o_i Gah, that was supposed to be half_asleep_thoughts. 220302 ... raze it's not so easy to dial someone's number on a phone when the keypad is made of unfastened pinback buttons. 220303 ... e_o_i "Onion powder" can be a dismissive adjective for something that's more fragile than it should be. "These onion-powder jeans are ripping at the seams," I tell my friend, annoyed. 220303 ... raze sometimes someone you think is trying to swindle you at a gas station just wants to give you a prize you have no use for. 220304 ... raze kevin costner has no idea how to order a pizza. 220305 ... raze beating someone unconscious with a ukulele is a perfectly reasonable way to end a disagreement. 220306 ... raze there are some phone numbers i'll never be able to commit to memory, whether i'm awake or asleep. 220307 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Helpfully directing someone to the ancient Greek shelf in the library results in him giving a dramatic out-loud translation of a myth and the librarian shushing him: "Would you stop yelling about Agamemnos?" (Google tells me the character was named Agamemnon. Close, dream mind.) 220307 ... tender_square sometimes, bridges without railings look a hell of a lot like roads and you don’t realize the difference until nearly drive yourself (and your spouse) into a ditch. 220307 ... raze the search for the perfect pen will always end with public embarrassment. 220308 ... raze one does not simply make a sandwich without cheese. 220309 ... tender_square you can always use a host’s toothbrush when you’re attending a gathering in their home, but you better hope they don’t catch you in the act. 220309 ... e_o_i If I hit my brother in the dream_choir practice room, I'll get anger management therapy that temporarily transforms me into a mammoth. 220309 ... raze if you neglect to sweep your front porch over a long enough period of time, eventually you won't be able to hear its heartbeat anymore. there's nothing more discouraging than pressing the chestpiece of a stethoscope to a cold concrete step and not finding a pulse. 220310 ... raze your hair can be a shield, but if you don't leave the house, the only thing you're protected from is yourself. 220311 ... tender_square no, the maître d’ will not have a pair of socks for you to wear, it doesn’t matter how polite you ask. 220311 ... raze note_to_self: don't trade your piano in for a steinway. you'll regret it for the rest of your life. 220312 ... tender_square you can share makeup tips with drag queens but that’s not a guarantee that they’ll take a liking to you. 220312 ... e_o_i The red laser piercing the night-black heavens isn't a signal of interplanetary war; it's just decoration. (By whom, and for what, is unclear.) 220312 ... e_o_i (also the satellite the light came from vaguely resembled the red "easy" button from Staples) 220312 ... raze turning the sound down on the tv before you shut it off isn't always the most thoughtful thing to do. sometimes it means denying someone credit for the work they've done inside that box. 220313 ... raze the stem of a rose isn't a twig. unless it is. and if it *is*, well ... prince is going to serenade you and invent an abbreviation of the word "superfluous": 'perfluous. 220314 ... e_o_i My boss wants the whole office to go to Liverpool to hear the Beatles perform. This is a universe where a) John Lennon is still alive and b) you can get across the Atlantic in less than an hour. 220314 ... e_o_i (In real life I was planning my England trip last afternoon, so that's probably why "Liverpool" was stuck in my head. East of Oxford. Maybe we'll go west and see Wales instead. Or do both: the distances aren't that vast. But money is an issue as usual.) 220314 ... e_o_i (gah, Liverpool is northwest of Oxford. London is east.) 220314 ... raze the only good place to hide from someone who's hurt you is on the top bunk of a bed that isn't yours. 220315 ... tender_square even ghosts have physical ailments requiring medical attention. 220315 ... raze what you run from in the afternoon will come back to haunt you on youtube when night is falling. 220316 ... raze every meaningful gesture should always be followed by a shakira song to put it over the top. 220317 ... raze people lie about a lot of things, but there's no dishonesty allowed when it comes to describing the ailments of strangers. that's a fib too far. 220318 ... raze if you're angry enough, a cigarette and a celery stick are pretty much the same thing. 220319 ... raze you know bob_dylan doesn't care anymore when he ends a new song by singing the word "bog" about eight hundred times just because he can (and because it rhymes with "log", of course). 220320 ... raze "princess baby" is a bit of an unusual name for a star basketball player. deceptive, too, because pb don't mess around. 220321 ... raze saying "steak" instead of "cheese" before taking a group photo yields questionable smiles. 220322 ... raze every piece of purple cabbage in a salad made by someone else symbolizes a wish that didn't come true. 220323 ... raze taking a pee break at the arcade is never wise. you have no idea what's going to happen to the game you were playing when you step away from the joystick. 220324 ... raze some people just want you to tell them a pretty toilet story. 220325 ... tender_square sometimes the most valuable object in a fancy furniture shop is a gold coaster, a small replica of the mayan calendar. 220325 ... raze even in dreams, i can never throw anything away. 220326 ... tender_square even in my dreams i question whether i'm on the right track, as i wait for a train (1A) to arrive at the platform. 220326 ... tender_square sometimes a zero beside your name for an exam mark does not denote that you're a loser, it may represent an egg of potential yet to hatch. (and maybe the fact that you can't locate the prof to protest is for the best.) 220327 ... raze there are worse things you can give someone for a housewarming gift than a copy of "time out" by the dave brubeck quartet. 220327 ... e_o_i I'm surprised when the dog Shiloh drags out of a freezing lake turns out to be alive. I'm not surprised when he transforms into a human child. I am surprised that I'm able to comfort him with just a smile and a "You'll feel better soon." 220327 ... raze having a squirrel snap a chipmunk's neck while the chipmunk leans against you in a doomed effort to hide is a pretty strange sensation, but not half as strange as trying to balance a prosthetic foot beneath a real one so you can cover it with a glove liner instead of a sock. 220328 ... tender_square the grand and stately home that houses me may have seen better days on the inside, but it’s gradually being restored to its former glory, one room at a time (restored, *not* renovated, there’s a difference). 220329 ... raze my printing of samuel r. delaney's "dhalgren" features a forward titled "beware, billy connolly fans". it has nothing to do with billy connolly. 220330 ... tender_square in times of stress, it's easy to forget you're a sober person. and just like that, seven and a half years of abstaining from drinking can be gone in an instant. also, if you close your eyes before a car crash, it will reset the scene like a video game before the trouble began. 220330 ... raze a wall is a teaching tool, and if you clean it with too much enthusiasm, you'll buffer out its adhesive properties. 220331 ... raze a cream-coloured parakeet is the best bird to have for a pet, because it won't shit on you when you're bonding. 220401 ... raze some birds are named for the sounds they make. 220402 ... tender_square some public bathrooms are so comfortable and clean that you just want to socialize in them rather than attend the event you came for. 220403 ... raze benoit paire's idea of friendship is just as warped as his idea of what constitutes being a professional tennis player. 220404 ... e_o_i My suggestion to my brother for self-reinvention: he should call himself Jeconiah or Balthasar and go by "Ben" for short. He's skeptical. 220404 ... raze if you're adept enough at balancing a soccer ball on your head while imitating bruce springsteen, you can turn that ball into a comfy panama hat. 220405 ... raze "eggs, claire danes" is an actual breakfast you can have. no one's too sure what that specific combination of human and zygote tastes like, though. 220406 ... raze brian wilson can make an out-of-tune upright piano sound like the most beautiful thing in the world. and you never know who's going to volunteer to make you a sandwich when you're in a tight spot. 220407 ... tender_square the promo sticker on a maynard solo record says he’s “going to be the next spoon,” as in, the band, which is hilarious. i’m actually quite tall in photos where i’m wearing a maxi dress and standing next to a high school ex. don’t ask your hairdresser for skunk streaks; bright blonde looks terrible over brown bangs. 220407 ... raze surprisingly enough, a car is not a boat, and an attempt at driving across the detroit river probably isn't going to end well for anyone. 220408 ... raze dogs mourn the loss of flies they've never met. they know there's no such thing as a worthless creature. 220409 ... tender_square if you give me an opening to talk about scat, i'll always carpe diem that shit. 220410 ... raze you can sing to calm a pouting child, unless you're brendan fraser singing "your cheatin' heart". in that case, you're just going to weird that kid right the hell out. 220410 ... raze everything_breaks_at_once. 220411 ... raze in these ultra high definition times, most blathes are still stuck in 360p — and that's just fine by me. 220412 ... raze no digital emulation of a pedal_steel guitar is going to match the emotional or sonic weight of the real thing, no matter how impressive the mimicry might be. 220413 ... raze david letterman is a serious sega genesis enthusiast. and i mean *serious*. 220414 ... raze radiohead are very concerned with the weight of their songs, treating it as a quantifiable physical thing. 220415 ... raze bill hader does a horrible ted danson impression. but you know who really nails it? ted danson. he impersonates himself like you wouldn't believe. 220416 ... raze i think viggo mortensen is destined to always play sad sacks in my dreams. he's either having an emotional breakdown over a ceramic figurine, or he's contemplating the lost art of "suicide by screwdriver". dude can't catch a break. 220417 ... raze contrary to what the produce section wants you to believe, a cherry tomato is not a great makeshift earplug. 220418 ... raze my stepfather has read an awful lot of socio-christian literature. he's especially partial to a book written by randy trevac (not to be confused with famous country singer randy travis). 220419 ... raze surprising but true: toilet paper is not as absorbent as a bath towel. 220420 ... raze dresser drawers aren't just useful for organizing clothes. they're also a good place to store decade-old baked goods. 220421 ... raze i'm a pretty good driver when i become reese witherspoon for a bit. reckless, but effective. 220422 ... raze neil degrasse tyson looks twenty years younger than he is. it's his sparkling personality that arrests the aging process. (he'll tell you so if you find yourself seated next to him on a bus, too.) 220423 ... raze not all hotel room service desserts are created equally. some of them will blind you to the truth of the totalitarian society you live in. others just taste like random fruit. 220424 ... raze some theoretical steaks are more appealing than the real deal. after all, you can cook something however you like when it lives inside your mind. 220425 ... raze it's very important to be properly dressed when the dandy_warhols are playing a free gig behind a pub at the behest of a cocky art teacher. 220426 ... raze some english teachers want you to give them all your anger in the form of several music-themed essays. but there are only so many songs you can link back to bad memories and hurt feelings. i start drawing a blank after three. 220427 ... raze pretzel-flavoured toothpaste tastes like shit. 220428 ... tender_square it's really hard to bake with breastmilk; cake's consistency never comes out the way you intend it to. 220428 ... raze bob dylan's bladder is as weak as his ego is strong. 220429 ... raze all angels hide in plain sight, concealing their wings beneath hooded sweatshirts. 220430 ... raze everyone needs new lungs eventually. 220501 ... tender_square jim carrey moonlights as an ob-gyn. he says, very gravely, that my family is alarmed to see me lying in a pool of my own blackberry blood after the birth of a baby i never see. 220501 ... raze crime scene photographs are a necessary parenting tool when you're raising someone else's kids. 220502 ... raze there are people in this world who will always find something to be offended by when confronted with random dancing, no matter how harmless your intentions might be. 220503 ... raze there are three hardcore tools in every doctor's bag. when a cab_driver stops for them, they have to stomp on any photograph they find to make sure it's real. 220504 ... raze it's best to curb the profanity when imitating redd foxx in an elementary school library. 220505 ... raze there need to be more music videos involving mechanical penguins. 220506 ... tender_square paul rudd's a pretty decent lay but my only complaint is he doesn't finish the job. 220506 ... raze when faking your own abduction to manufacture an extended paid vacation, do try to avoid calling your employer in character as your imaginary kidnapper while in an overly gassy state. an awkward belch at the beginning of the conversation kind of has the effect of undercutting the ambience you're trying to create. 220507 ... tender_square lighting off two fireworks in the middle of the day can change the whole tenor of the sky to bear blackness and smoke. 220508 ... raze flying squirrels are always on the hunt for an apartment with a solid balcony. 220508 ... raze the trinity must exist outside the triad. 220509 ... raze there's always the possibility of a crab-horse man showing up at a church service and hinting that he's the same man who disappeared decades earlier under mysterious circumstances after one last visit with his grandson. i mean, we all age differently. 220510 ... tender_square sometimes, the only good place to rub one out when you're in a crunch is a church's restroom. (is this what hozier meant when he sang "take me to church"?) 220511 ... raze it isn't so important what you stuff a pepper with. what matters is the seasoning. 220511 ... raze the ponytail was invented out of necessity in a public bathroom. 220512 ... raze in an alternate timeline, "a_clockwork_orange" is actually a romantic comedy catalyzed by a meet_cute at the side of the road. 220513 ... e_o_i You think a person from dream_choir is sensible until he starts posting messages on a bulletin board about how feminists are plotting to outlaw the pronoun "he". So he'll use it twice! SO THERE! He's pinned a photo of himself to go along with the message, too - a large, pale, frowny face framed by brown hair. He can't be much older than forty. 220513 ... raze you know something is amiss when even test questions about your own art are difficult to answer with any amount of confidence. 220514 ... e_o_i David doesn't need to get taller, blonder, or look more like the Westley character in A Princess Bride. He's just doing that to mess with me, or possibly to celebrate winning a graduation award. 220514 ... tender_square there are times when you need to become the erin brockovich of workers compensation when a coworker slips, falls, and injures his head at the bud bakery you work for, a place where jared leto won't stop singing in the morning (his face is emblazoned on the coffee cups). 220515 ... raze some toddlers are excellent boxers. 220516 ... tender_square nothing kills a party quicker than dipping back in your bar-height chair and, when trying not fall, taking the table and other guests in your row crashing down with you. 220516 ... raze i need a six-day pass to play the piano in my grade school gymnasium. and that ain't fair, man. that ain't fair at all. 220517 ... raze anthony kiedis has shown us he's still capable of hate. 220518 ... raze there's a secret society of people who watch over us. they're very passionate about furniture. they provide everyone with a fancy pink and red ottoman with legs. which is a thoughtful thing to do. but if you dare to deface that ottoman in any way, they'll pay you a visit. and it won't be good. 220519 ... raze it's a sad fact of life that no one's going to care about saving my progress in "super mario world" as much as i do. 220520 ... tender_square my subconscious must really love the band moist because i’m totally in their entourage now. 220521 ... raze tori amos is a serious underwear enthusiast. it isn't limited to the fancy stuff, either. any pair of underoos will do. 220521 ... tender_square needless to say, it’s pretty unsettling when your first ex-husband is the paralegal taking notes for your second divorce. 220522 ... raze will smith will act in *anything*. even a teen-themed muchmusic mockumentary. 220522 ... raze it's easy to twist a moment of potential embarrassment into something victorious. all you have to do is give an impromptu speech about playground profanity. 220523 ... tender_square possums are remarkably agile swimmers, even when they're wearing a cardboard box as a life vest. 220523 ... raze the best sandwich is the one you don't remember making. 220524 ... raze "an orgy of microwaves" is a perfectly acceptable way to refer to a group of unplugged appliances on your front porch. 220525 ... raze you can turn evil into music. all you need is some free time and a sampling keyboard. 220526 ... e_o_i Love quadrilaterals get confusing when people's souls migrate from body to body. 220526 ... tender_square i have been dreaming of classrooms for weeks and in each i am a disaffected student with somewhere better to be. i think my unconscious is trying to say "pay attention! you still have a lot to learn." 220527 ... raze allowing your laptop to smoke weed through a usb port is probably not the most responsible thing to do as a computer owner, but you might get some interesting google searches out of it... 220528 ... raze eating a dozen burgers in one sitting as part of an ill-advised contest will cause my chest to explode. the good news is the employees of an optical store will be able to rebuild my breasts. the bad news is they'll have to cut all the fat out of my ass in order to pull it off. the best news of all: green manchester meat is on sale from now until the end of time (because no one wants to eat the stuff). 220529 ... e_o_i Dream_travel: England is basically in the Arctic; in summer it stays light all night, so you can sit on a picnic table and have tea and scones at 2 AM. 220529 ... raze what makes a drawing of a face spooky (or not so spooky) all comes down to what's hovering beneath the chin. 220530 ... raze the worst fate that could ever befall woody allen is this: being tasked with taking on the role of a game show host in an obscure nintendo game that has incredible graphics but zero replay value. 220531 ... raze when a cassette becomes a kaiser, you don't eat it; you stare at it and weep with gratitude for all your life has given you. 220601 ... raze not even the threat of being gunned down by a psychotic stranger will stop me from retrieving my favourite pair of prescription sunglasses after i've forgotten them on the floor of the devonshire mall. 220602 ... tender_square when crossing the street, it’s best not to occlude your vision by wearing a moving blanket over your head. 220603 ... e_o_i Why do I get to enter the office by the "secret door"? Just because the boss is making me do a quiz about movies I haven't seen. 220603 ... e_o_i Dream_travel again: the grass is always greener in England than in Canada. 220604 ... raze the sweetest songs are all over too soon. 220605 ... tender_square "kids in the hall" is far more musical than i remember in my waking life. not only are they a sketch-comedy team, they're also a rock band. (and their songs are good!) 220605 ... raze here are two things that don't go together: apple crumble and tater tots. 220606 ... raze when a blathe becomes an image instead of an html file, you're probably going to see a very annoyed-looking kristen stewart sitting by herself on a beach. 220607 ... raze end_credits don't always mark the end of a film. sometimes they're just a detour before the secret sequel. 220608 ... tender_square giving someone an aero chocolate bar can have dual purposes: one, it's a tasty snack; two, it serves as a subtle message that the person you're handing it to needs direction. 220608 ... raze working at a walk-in tax preparation service is a pretty thankless job, but you do see some interesting pairs of checkered boxer pants now_and_again. 220609 ... raze not many people know this, but the dire straits song "once upon a time in the west" is really about a nosy neighbour who longs to see a fatal car accident on his block. 220610 ... raze even the most committed malcontent stumbles into an unintentional good mood once in a while (usually because of a dog). 220611 ... raze digital pets need oxygen too. 220613 ... raze no one ever just stops by for a cup of tea. there's always some unspoken agenda. 220614 ... raze when given the opportunity to shape a farewell message to your peers through someone else's voice, it's best just to let them frame it however they want. that's what they're going to do anyway. 220615 ... tender_square setting your sister up with your ex-husband isn't very likely to get you the "greatest matchmaker" award when you've talked shit to her about what your relationship was like. 220615 ... raze someone's attitude about flood-damaged carpet in a home that isn't their own will tell you a lot about how they respond to adversity. 220616 ... raze there isn't much i can do in a room with a low ceiling (except complain about the inability to stand up straight). 220617 ... tender_square you can take me to a candle store but it won't guarantee that i'm interested in the hand-dipped tapers, or that i am passionate about burning wax. 220617 ... raze pocket chocolates might bring you good luck on an arduous journey, but if you get hit with a heat_wave you're going to wind up with some pretty sticky fingers. 220618 ... raze the worst kind of evil visitor is the one who drops in on you uninvited. if you insist on tormenting me, at least have the decency to make an appointment. 220619 ... raze newsom is not a fan of bananas. 220620 ... raze as long as there are jell-o cups in the fridge, all isn't lost. 220621 ... raze an aging showman needs an awful lot of positive reinforcement to keep their bruised ego fed. 220622 ... raze not every grizzly bear wants to eat you. some of them are just in a shitty mood because they're suffering from xerosis. a little moisturizer and kindness can save your skin *and* theirs. 220623 ... raze the surest sign of a good table is its ability to make you forget you're shirtless for hours at a time. well, that and a stain-proof surface. 220624 ... e_o_i Q: How do you demonstrate that you want to put aside all the French/English conflict that's been going on lately in Quebec to celebrate Fête nationale? A: Fly to the park, fairly low to the ground, while imagining writing a story scene where a girl says the words quoi and quishe and the narrator, another child, thinks they're spelled kwah and keesh. 220624 ... e_o_i *quiche, obviously. You'd think I'd be able to spell food-related words. 220624 ... raze standing me up is the worst thing a person can do to me. the *second* worst thing? leaving without saying goodbye. 220625 ... e_o_i Dilemma: if I can walk on the surface of water, do I cross a stream this way because it's convenient, or refuse because people will think I'm trying to "copy Jesus"? (I walk, but only because someone else goes first.) 220625 ... raze there's a fine line between standing up for yourself and being a bully. it gets even dicier when the person reprimanding you is a bully himself. 220626 ... raze when choosing a water dish for your new cat, you want to stay away from the options made of cotton. 220627 ... raze a playground swing set makes a more efficient squirrel-feeding center than you might think it would. 220628 ... raze folding pants is a lost art these days, but there are still a few brave keepers of the flame. 220629 ... raze i'm not sure how i feel about wearing a sweatshirt that says, "tori_amos rocks! styx suck!" i mean, tori_amos *does* rock. but styx were a huge part of the soundtrack to my childhood. you can't just turn your back on that kind of history. why does it have to be an either_or proposition? 220630 ... raze dreams that have already happened grow longer legs when you type them up in subsequent dreams. 220701 ... raze my own mother wouldn't recognize me with short hair. 220702 ... raze cooking with nicolas cage is surprisingly low-key and devoid of histrionics. 220703 ... raze you can only fit so many twizzlers in one trouser pocket. personally, i draw the line at eight. 220704 ... raze strange things start growing inside your sink faucet levers when you're not looking. 220705 ... raze just because someone's had too much to drink, it doesn't mean they've confused excitement with power. 220706 ... e_o_i You think IPA stands for Irish Publishers Association, but it's really International Publishers Association. 220706 ... raze if you can get a squirrel-themed compliment from matthew perry, you know you're doing all right. he doesn't just hand those out like scotch mints, you know. 220707 ... raze salvation awaits in winnipeg. 220708 ... raze don't throw my computer keyboard on the floor if you don't want me to push you down the stairs. 220709 ... tender_square disassembled puzzles can turn to a pile of wooden letters. 220709 ... raze the bunny i love most is not replaceable. 220710 ... raze children dressed as radishes always make everything better. 220711 ... raze you know you're in trouble when disobedient poodles become antagonistic tabbies. 220712 ... raze you can't attend a garden party while wearing a bathrobe. that's one of the unwritten laws of the universe. 220713 ... raze ben_folds is not the most gracious recipient of a heartfelt compliment, but he does rock a grey t-shirt like nobody's business. 220714 ... raze led zeppelin albums are a useful way of assessing someone's trustworthiness in code. if they're "coda", you don't want a thing to do with them (though they might have a few redeeming qualities). if they're "houses of the holy", it's a different story. 220715 ... e_o_i Dream_tutoring would be easier if I'd actually researched the test I was supposed to be teaching. Maybe. 220715 ... tender_square coworkers will shame you for washing your dirty underwear at work with lab laundry that's been in contact with rats. 220716 ... e_o_i If I start making out with a statue, I won't be surprised when it comes to life, just perplexed that she never kisses me on the mouth. 220716 ... raze no character played by bob odenkirk is ever truly trustworthy. 220717 ... e_o_i The town of Oxford is exhausting: everywhere you go is uphill. (My dream mind sensed the illogic, so it reasoned, "No, it's just everywhere *I* have to go in Oxford is uphill.") 220718 ... raze sometimes christmas really does happen in july. the first order of business is making sure your chocolates don't melt. naturally. 220719 ... raze not even death can stop my temporary_inherited_grandmother from making great chocolate chip cookies. 220720 ... raze lyle lovett is as surprised as i am to learn he was included in the "wheel of fortune" nintendo game. 220721 ... raze when attempting to revive a frozen animal, it's best if you can avoid breaking them in half. 220722 ... raze adam arkin used to be a russian man named yuri, but he changed his name to larry when he became a master chef. 220723 ... raze no mountain_goats compilation is complete without "no children". 220724 ... raze wake me up once and i'll probably be able to get back to sleep. wake me up twice, and it's a crapshoot. wake me up three times and ... WHAT ARE YOU DOING WAKING ME UP THREE TIMES IN THE SPACE OF FIFTEEN MINUTES? HAVE YOU NO COMPASSION? 220725 ... raze homer simpson is a stunningly proficient visual artist when he wants to be. 220726 ... raze having a conversation about blather with your grade eleven english teacher is all kinds of strange. especially when she's the one who broaches the subject. 220727 ... raze for someone who's never heard the man speak, i have a pretty solid elon musk impression. 220728 ... raze "algorith" is a condition in which medications that are beneficial to others could kill the afflicted. "assholiness" is also a common symptom. 220729 ... nr i had a dream last night that a woman introduced herself to me as wolfgang, and i saw her last name written down; it was boch. and then i learned that it was pronounced like bach. and then i pieced together that she had almost the same name as wolfgang sebastian bach. i learned that my subconscious is pretty adept at pulling up full names of composers pretty quickly, while my conscious brain struggles more. 220729 ... raze my bedroom is sometimes also a visually arresting wooded area, but only when i need to use the backdrop for a photograph. 220730 ... raze dallas can rock the shit out of blue and white flannel pyjamas. 220731 ... raze some things just stick in your mind. like strangely-named italian strip clubs. 220801 ... raze nick nolte is a pretty gracious guy when you run into him at a dinner banquet you weren't invited to. it's a little strange to see him in a cjam t-shirt, though. 220802 ... e_o_i A dream_warning_label on mouthwash will be vague but threatening. Dream_crafts pair jokey text with complicated visual representations. 220802 ... raze the most tragic victim of the rising cost of living, believe it or not, is styrofoam. just try buying a coffee pot made of the stuff now. you can't. when closed-cell extruded polystyrene foam becomes inaccessible to the people who need it most, everyone loses. 220803 ... raze your bed can travel a surprising distance on its own steam when you're not paying attention. 220804 ... raze sometimes the manic improvised monologue you're sure is career suicide is really a catalyst for an unexpected moment of understanding between two strangers. 220805 ... raze of all the things you could forget in a public place, steak knives and house keys might be the most inconvenient. 220806 ... raze when muriel writes six poems about "game of thrones" in the form of test questions, each one contains a hidden gripe. 220807 ... tender_square split sticks are not the most reliable material to weave through a canvas backpack for support. and in other news, there is a mixed breed of corgi that comes with cheetah spots. 220807 ... raze there's one thing you need to keep in mind when you're trying to drown nicolas cage before he drowns you: marine depth. 220808 ... raze a broken-down old ukulele with banjo leanings always becomes more appealing when someone you know wants it more than you do. 220809 ... raze people fear the cold because they fear death, but it's really just the absence of feeling. 220810 ... tender_square either smearing a mirror in melted candy is to avoid seeing my own reflection, or i’m purposefully dirtying my only portal to the outside world. 220810 ... raze some dogs shrink when you pet them. literally. 220811 ... raze listening to music that simulates brain death might not be conducive to the best walking experience. 220812 ... tender_square getting into hysterics over crossing a gap at such great heights is not going to endear you to anyone reaching for your hand. 220812 ... raze body hair takes seconds to shave and a century to grow. 220813 ... raze episode 257 of "dentist hellicoat minions" has nothing to do with dentistry, and everything to do with addressing flood damage. catchy theme song, too. 220814 ... raze one surefire way to make my mother uncomfortable: singing the electric light orchestra songbook in a grocery store parking lot. 220815 ... raze it's important to remember that ham fat is not an adequate substitute for a condom. 220816 ... raze i gotta say, john travolta makes a pretty effective apple-fearing mafioso. how he limits his criminal activities to forty-hour work weeks is beyond me, though. 220817 ... raze "baby hold on" is still a jam even after the lyrics have been rewritten to pay tribute to the act of flatulence. that's just the power of eddie. he's so money. 220818 ... raze i will never be able to even stand on hockey_skates, let alone guide my nervous body across the ice. 220819 ... raze attempting to repair a macbook keyboard without the assistance of a trained professional may result in random characters from movies you loved as a child appearing at the worst possible time. 220820 ... tender_square keanu reeves isn’t super psyched to sucker punch a friend for his own good, but understands sometimes that’s the only way you can shake some sense into someone to stop their own self-sabotage. 220821 ... raze some protective fathers believe an appropriate way of deterring you from pursuing their daughters is to dump crumbs on you from random garbage they have lying around in their car. 220822 ... tender_square you can intercept private phone calls by picking up public pay phones. 220822 ... raze i shouldn't make assumptions about the contents of a campus radio station's music library; that's a good way to wind up singing auteurs songs over the phone in a public park. 220823 ... raze (but all parks are pretty public spaces, aren't they? anyway.) 220823 ... raze there's only one meal that can satisfy the stomachs of any group of people, no matter how unwieldy or famished they are. and that's spaghetti. 220824 ... raze some things won't reveal themselves until you've stopped looking for them. 220825 ... raze when someone calls you their second sister, it means there's only one person in the world they trust more than you — and that's their actual sister. 220826 ... e_o_i Even when I'm concerned about slipping on icy sidewalks, my dreamworld boss won't let me ride a moose that I see nearby (and whom I believe has better traction for walking on ice). "It's wild. You'd be better off riding a horse," he counsels. But are there any horses nearby? (My dream mind asked this question and the scene changed.) 220826 ... e_o_i (I believe the part about riding unusual animals came from an incident Isaac recounted about his volunteer firefighter friend talking about "mounting" a pig statue - though the humour was that the guy accidentally made it sound sexual, not that pigs were atypical animals for a human to, er, mount.) 220826 ... raze contrary to what bruce springsteen would like us to believe, you *can* start a fire without a spark. 220827 ... raze grief does strange things to sleep. 220828 ... raze if you spot a bear in your back yard, don't_panic. they're probably just as confused as you are. 220829 ... raze i care more about making sure the squirrels have been fed than being late for school. (but was there ever any doubt about that?) 220830 ... raze random sex is the answer to every money-shaped problem. you won't get the cash you need, but you will get to be naked in a bed with another person who is also naked. and that's not nothing. 220831 ... raze when your new neighbours are old friends you have mixed feelings about, just imagine them participating in a really awkward vintage muchmusic interview with bill welychka. that'll improve your mood in no time. 220901 ... raze sometimes soggy croutons are the only allies you've got. and let me tell you, those are some lonely times. 220902 ... raze taking the perfect webcam selfie becomes a little more difficult when wild animals are involved. 220903 ... tender_square the first cigarette always tastes like shit but you just gotta smoke through it. 220904 ... e_o_i In a small Canadian town, there are two Danish schools, and the people I visit believe those schools are the best schools ever. The woman sitting across from me will leap at the chance to start running one even though she doesn't speak Danish. 220904 ... raze some pills are visual puzzles that can only be solved by intense staring. 220905 ... epitome of incomprehensibility The neighbour who talks enthusiastically about getting her chickens to mate also puts a wedding dress on the hen. At last she realizes she'll have to take it off because the chickens don't know how. (Me: Can we not make every conversation about chicken sex? I'm trying to have lunch.) 220905 ... raze despite what cell phone providers and teenagers with scoliosis will tell you, there *isn't* an app for everything. 220906 ... e_o_i I don't want to learn "the enemy's language." 220906 ... raze you can threaten me with a gun. you can inject me with certain death. but don't steal my books. that's crossing the line, man. 220907 ... raze there's a new rule that stipulates same-sex couples are only allowed to hold hands in public for five minutes at a time. i seem to be more bothered by the blatant discrimination than the people who are impacted by it. then again, they've spent their whole lives dealing with stupid shit like this. 220908 ... raze no chains are strong enough to hold a naked terry crews for long. 220909 ... raze one way to win a tennis match is for your opponent's dominant arm to randomly detach itself from the rest of their body after only a single point has been played. 220910 ... raze the right amount of anxiety can turn even the most reluctant motorist into a brilliant getaway driver. 220911 ... raze a stolen super nintendo game is the only thing truly worth fighting for. 220912 ... raze quadruplets have trouble telling *themselves* apart sometimes. especially when there's significant overlap in their fashion sense. 220913 ... raze as difficult as it is to believe, some people just don't want to hang out with me and my squirrel friends. at least i've got a surplus of uneaten peanuts from the set of "judging amy" to sustain me. 220914 ... raze you shouldn't eat the music you're listening to. it doesn't always make for a great bowl of cereal. sometimes not even chocolate syrup can save it. 220915 ... raze wicker baskets and toilets are not interchangeable. sure, you *can* piss in a basket if you want to, but the guilt is going to tear you up later on. 220916 ... raze a swiss apple is pretty much the same as an apple of any other ethnicity, only half the size. 220917 ... epitome of incomprehensibility My aunt will be angry if I wake her up to tell her that her cat is dead when it's perfectly not. Understandable. But I was convinced. (I remembered the cat's name, too; the real-life Bendemolina, named after a fictional Bendemolina, has been dead for years.) 220917 ... e_o_i ("perfectly not" was supposed to be "perfectly alive" or something, and I keep forgetting to click on "e_o_i" for the "you" field instead of the longer word bundle I inexplicably chose for myself at age 16, gaahhh) 220917 ... raze yes, squirrels do fart. you just aren't around to hear it happen most of the time. 220918 ... raze when writing a note to an artist you admire, it behooves you to use a piece of paper large enough to accommodate more than the first few words of what you want to say. 220919 ... raze when you're working outside and you need some music to help the task at hand feel less tedious, boz scaggs won't let you down. 220920 ... raze bird beaks and cotton swabs are not interchangeable. 220921 ... raze no one knows how to write a simple, heartfelt redemption story anymore. they always have to toss in a bunch of pointless plot contrivances to pump up the drama. 220922 ... raze you can feed squirrels muslix, but you can't change the present by destroying a priceless chandelier in the past. 220923 ... raze my third cousin twice_removed isn't the reason i used to eat too many barbecue chips. we're usually the problem when it comes to overeating. not someone else. or at least half the time it's us, anyway. 220924 ... e_o_i Apparently, when you're having a bath and you have the sensation that the whole room is constantly turning at a right angle like a car going around a corner, this is just a side effect of being tired and nothing to worry about. (Weirdly, most of that dream was about not being able to fall asleep.) 220924 ... raze you *can* dilute cocaine with sidewalk dirt in the absence of any other appropriate cutting agents ... but why would you want to? 220925 ... raze a smudge is only one misstep away from becoming a scratch. 220926 ... raze wait too long to connect with someone you feel drawn to, and they'll be nothing but a memorial statue of themselves erected outside the restaurant they used to work at when they were alive. 220927 ... raze some politicians just want to tell you how to play guitar. 220928 ... raze the sight of mulder and scully locking lips will always feel like coming home. 220929 ... raze all racists are hunters, in one way or another. the trick is shooting them before they shoot you. 220930 ... raze there are few things more frustrating than a headstrong cassette deck. 221001 ... tender_square if you’re going to chase a pink cow back to its farm, you best watch out for cow piles when you get there. 221002 ... raze some bikes come with built-in barbecues. seems like a nice touch, but have you ever tried hauling a bicycle built for wieners around town? it's a pain in the ass. 221003 ... raze hemming long pants for squirrels is a worthwhile endeavour. don't let anyone tell you any different. 221004 ... raze any omelette i try to make will only evaporate before it can be eaten. 221005 ... tender_square the solution to any problem is making cookies. 221005 ... raze the san antonio spurs will someday welcome kawhi leonard back onto their roster, even after everything he did to cripple the team. alas, he'll be too busy bragging about his greatness to suit up and play any actual basketball. 221006 ... raze no one remembers or cares who i am. 221007 ... raze breaking back into your own life is easy enough. the question is what to take with you when you go. 221008 ... raze if you see a baby turtle, you should send it back where it came from, to the gardens of england. 221009 ... tender_square having your nipples stimulated when you're in the hospital to give birth is really annoying. and if you're not showing a big enough belly, you'll worry that everyone will just think that you're fat. 221009 ... raze in death, george stroumboulopoulos will assume more importance to me than he ever had when he was alive. 221010 ... raze i need to start carrying earplugs with me everywhere i go. even the_quiet_is_loud now. 221011 ... kerry if your earwax looks like pea soup, there's something floating around in your subconscious that has long needed to be addressed. 221011 ... raze bruce springsteen is somehow aging in reverse. 221012 ... raze a badminton prodigy's undoing is always their own arrogance. 221013 ... raze when everything falls apart, selena gomez is a strangely comforting presence. 221014 ... raze your teeth don't give a shit about your feelings. 221015 ... tender_square there is a hesitancy in me to be wed. 221016 ... raze the only real way to know how someone feels about you is by paying close attention to how they look at you when you first enter a room. 221017 ... tender_square losing your dad's records he gave you is devastating. you shouldn't trust them with just anyone. 221017 ... raze everyone will let you down eventually. even the friends you think want the best for you will betray you for a cheap laugh. 221018 ... raze it's never too early for trick-or-treating. 221019 ... raze the simplest way to rid yourself of a thief is by making a joke. they don't deal well with humour. 221020 ... tender_square spiderwebs sure are sticky. 221020 ... raze some would-be home invaders are just trying to drop off your dry cleaning. 221021 ... raze michael jordan is an unrepentant candy thief. 221022 ... raze cold legs are a bad omen. 221023 ... tender_square recycling your wedding dress to wear when standing up in other people's wedding parties is an acceptable thing now. 221023 ... e_o_i Nightmares_from_art: beware of wild-looking swimming horses. You can be sure they'll try to eat you. 221023 ... raze the longer i wait to take a pill, the harder it is to swallow. 221024 ... raze some memoirs aren't worth the paper they're printed on. 221025 ... raze no sound tech ever truly has your best interests at heart. 221026 ... tender_square surprisingly, i can recall the combination to my high school locker 20 years later, opening it upon first try. 221026 ... raze (my dream brain is envious; it's a recurring theme that i can never remember mine.) 221026 ... raze some people only want to talk about themselves, even when there's no one around to listen. 221027 ... tender_square the only way to get rude people to check themselves during a phone call is to hang-up on them mid-conversation. 221027 ... raze it behooves you not to underestimate your opponent in a songwriting competition. 221028 ... tender_square sweater vests aren't just a versatile piece of clothing, they also help keep one's organs in place. 221029 ... raze it takes months to earn an ant's trust, and just a little bit of water to lose it. 221030 ... tender_square hand_me_down tchotchkes really tie a room together. 221030 ... raze nothing says "i_love_you" like a sucker punch to the sciatic nerve. 221031 ... tender_square career gymnasts really throw tantrums when they have a career-ending landing. 221031 ... raze no lifelike dinosaur model i make will ever be able to stand up on its own steam. 221101 ... raze a dog's scrotum is surprisingly soft and fuzzy. 221102 ... raze a lost leg is no excuse for making a music video with racist undertones. not even if you're thom yorke. 221103 ... raze the best form of revenge is dumping a nonfunctioning musical instrument on someone who will instinctively want to try and sell it. 221104 ... tender_square if you're going to suck on a finger, make sure your mouth is properly lubricated before you begin. 221104 ... raze you can't have sex with a bird that's also a potted plant. unless you're sylvester stallone. then all things are possible. 221105 ... raze everything dies. even wingless butterflies. 221106 ... raze i don't care what any diagnostician says. a dry cough doesn't make you puke up purple goo. 221107 ... raze at some point in our lives, we all receive an unexpected handwritten letter in the mail from stormy daniels. it's a rite of passage. 221108 ... raze a true friend always carries a small axe. 221109 ... tender_square if your spouse doesn't take active responsibility for chores in waking life, is it really fair to be surprised when he doesn't in dreams either? 221109 ... raze sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to choose not to remind them who they used to be. 221110 ... raze performing surgery on my favourite pair of glasses is as difficult as it is rewarding. 221111 ... raze it's hard to tell the scratches from the grime. 221112 ... raze what makes a house frightening is often difficult to put into words. but it's important to remember. a house that doesn't scare anyone isn't any kind of house at all. 221113 ... raze pictures and poems make strange bedfellows. 221114 ... raze when dining out, a stranger's spit isn't always the best appetizer. 221115 ... e_o_i If your pacifist roommate wants to look through a gun scope, it means she's going to use the experience to build her own camera. And that means she's the reincarnation of Virginia Woolf. 221115 ... raze wilco albums will come and go, but there's always a place in my room for a tori_amos cassette. 221116 ... raze any english teacher who writes "your" instead of "you're" while criticizing your writing isn't fit to live. 221117 ... raze it's always colder at the front of the bus. 221118 ... raze the only difference between a revolution and a conspiracy is the quality of people doing the pushing. 221119 ... tender_square the quickest way to win over your nemesis is to give gifts. 221120 ... raze closure can be a mixed blessing. 221121 ... raze paraphrasing is a necessary life skill, or so my grade eight teacher would have you believe. 221122 ... raze i do a pretty solid stoned george carlin impression. 221123 ... raze some squirrels moonlight as bats. or maybe i should say "daylight", because they're only around when it's light out. 221124 ... tender_square to all the peoples out there with their bladders hella full it's easy to do when you don't have a bathroom 1, cut a hole in a box 2, put your piss in that box 3, try not to spill the box and that's the way you do it piss in a box. 221125 ... raze no conversation is ever really over when you're talking_to_yourself. 221126 ... raze stephen mchattie once voiced a genetically enhanced gorilla on an episode of "batman: the animated series". and he was pretty damn great. 221127 ... tender_square it’s quite the challenge to find a decent bathroom to wipe your ass in. and santa is not some skinny skater kid without a beard. 221128 ... raze donald sutherland might not be the obvious choice to play phil spector in a biopic, but if history has shown us anything, it's that the right hairpiece can transform anyone into a psychopath. 221129 ... raze no friend is worth disrupting your evening routine for. 221130 ... raze not every bell needs to be rung. 221201 ... raze someone's always looking for you. but don't expect to find them. 221202 ... raze as difficult as it is to believe, there are certain situations for which a random reggae song is not the most appropriate soundtrack. 221203 ... raze being batman ain't all it's cracked up to be. 221204 ... raze bad things happen when trick-or-treaters carry firearms. 221205 ... raze if it's at all possible to have two paydays fall on the same week, you should do that shit. or be the recipient of that serendipitous shit. you know what i mean. shit. 221206 ... raze you probably shouldn't buy the forty-year-old margarine. even if it's on sale. 221207 ... raze death isn't anything i need to fear. it's just like falling into a dream with my eyes wide open. 221208 ... raze there's nothing more discouraging than learning you're a half-assed asshole. 221209 ... raze frank stanford didn't really have a chin, and only one living person knows what he wrote in his exit note. 221210 ... raze turns out i'm the kind of person who would head back out into the night and return to the bar i was drinking at after coming home just to give my bartender a better tip. 221211 ... raze true friendship can only be eroded by undertakers and hairdressers. 221212 ... raze a greeting is only as good as the person attached to it. 221213 ... tender_square sending mind messages is easily impeded when your arms are laden with baggage. 221213 ... raze the bedroom is no place to operate an airplane. 221214 ... tender_square having a preponderance of supplies at your fingertips does not guarantee that art will be made. 221215 ... raze comedians make fine politicians. they should — their careers are built on the art of deception. 221216 ... raze the trick to designing a hat that reshapes itself to fit your head is the band beneath the cloth. 221217 ... raze you can't trust anyone or anything. not even your own computer. 221218 ... raze daryl hannah doesn't like to talk about her secret past as the seven-month star of a well-known soap opera. 221219 ... raze masturbating in a bathtub is a lot less awkward when the bathroom is your own and there aren't other people present. 221220 ... raze i'm not a hunter-gatherer. i'm just a human being who's trying not to kill anyone. 221221 ... raze we're all murderers. some of us just don't know it yet. 221222 ... e_o_i I can observe squirrels sliding through the hollow of a tree trunk by looking through a hole in the middle. The movement is very gleeful, as if the tree interior is their playground. But I just can't capture it on video. 221222 ... raze calling your neighbour the dirtiest word in the book probably isn't going to get you a christmas card this year. 221223 ... tender_square to calm cujo the cat you have to say in a calming voice repeatedly, "no biting; good girl." there will still be lots of drool, but far less razor teeth. 221223 ... raze the best audio recording class has nothing to do with sound and everything to do with understanding and harnessing creative energy. 221224 ... raze sharing fast_food is the surest way to bond with someone you have little in common with. 221225 ... tender_square hair is surprisingly thicker and a far more interesting colour choice (pastel purple) when you cut it yourself. 221225 ... tender_square it is totally possible to see the child you were in selfies of today, braces and all. 221226 ... raze following the death_of_a_parent, it's best to throw your planned dance performance out the window and just improvise a piece based on the sharp sting of still-forming grief. 221227 ... tender_square college partygoers will only leave your sprawling property when the sun rises and rain starts to fall. you will not also not remember photographs taken with former bandmates who are trying to show off how big their gut has gotten. 221228 ... raze washing your hair in a bathtub isn't so easy when you're daryl hall. 221229 ... raze engaging the stars in the sky really brings out the eyes of the birds you love. 221230 ... raze you *can* cook chili in a plastic garbage pail ... but why would you want to? 221231 ... raze it's probably a good idea to wash your thermal underwear before spooning. 230101 ... tender_square imaginary snowboards don't seem to work as well as the real thing. 230102 ... raze taking a bath with your clothes still on isn't always such a bad idea. 230103 ... tender_square it is possible to win money from those machines that collect coins and have a pushing mechanism that tips them over the edge of a windfall. 230103 ... raze memories of making the occasional typo in my own album liner_notes move me to wince when i discover a major label has dropped the ball and failed to find anyone willing to proofread their artist's submitted text. 230104 ... tender_square some folks will get offended if you blame them for a weak snowfall. 230105 ... raze just when you think you're all out of cranberry sauce, there's always a little more hiding in the mashed potatoes. 230106 ... raze any animal carried on your shoulders is liable to evolve into something else in the middle of the ride. 230107 ... tender_square cats barfing is just as gross in the unconscious realm, especially when it shoots out of both ends like milk. 230107 ... tender_square of course being told that you're running a half marathon the day of, without any training or proper shoes, would be upsetting to anyone. 230108 ... raze the only capers worth eating are coated in breadcrumbs. 230109 ... raze no piano has enough keys to play a song that can predict the future. 230110 ... raze there's no such thing as hiding your identity on the internet anymore. 230111 ... raze i'm not the only person who's gone so long without kissing someone i've forgotten how. 230112 ... raze small-scale surprise parties can always be conjured out of thin air. 230113 ... raze if you're looking for a good date movie, "in the realm of the senses" might not be the best choice. 230114 ... raze an unannounced swing set in your back yard isn't necessarily the innocent gift its giver would like you to believe it is. 230115 ... tender_square sometimes the_weight_of_it_all you feel inside your chest is actually another human lying on top of you as you're sleeping and not tactile_hallucinations. 230115 ... raze some machines designed to tell the future would rather self-destruct than see what's around the corner. 230116 ... raze no orgasm can ever be straightforward. 230117 ... raze my grandfather makes a surprisingly good santa claus even when he's dead. 230118 ... raze i can never keep anything organized. not even my clothes hamper. 230119 ... tender_square jeremy renner is a surprisingly passionate lover. (which was kinda unexpected considering he wouldn't even make my "celebrity_guycrushes" list.) 230119 ... tender_square i don't care what anyone else says, a thermos is a lame going-away present. 230120 ... raze some slippers are sweet enough to make me cry in someone else's kitchen. but only when i'm michael gross. 230121 ... tender_square eating ferraro rocher’s does not constitute a very balanced breakfast. 230122 ... raze cats love a hot bowl of soup, but they won't accept broth if there isn't something swimming in it for them to chew on. 230123 ... tender_square having a celebrity in the backseat of your squad car doesn't always mean they're being charged with a crime; sometimes they just need to be escorted. 230123 ... raze i can never remember corey hart's lyrics when it really matters. 230124 ... raze there's no such thing as a bath that's too full, or too hot. 230125 ... raze the only thing stopping me from running to school after i miss the bus is my nonexistent sense of direction. 230126 ... raze hiding in a bathroom only works if you aren't stuck in there with the biggest gossip in town. 230127 ... tender_square even my dream self has a conscience that won't steal a stack of bills, even though i'm pretty sure no one at the non-profit knows that it exists. 230127 ... raze sampling someone else's dessert only works if you don't eat the whole thing. 230128 ... raze the ghost of lemmy has far too much class to cut in line at a record store. 230129 ... raze from the right angle, the noses of some seamstresses look just like pecans. 230130 ... tender_square i'm pretty nonchalant for someone who can't remember whether she ruined her sobriety or not. 230130 ... raze it's a lot more difficult to park your car when there's a bright yellow fire hydrant smack in the middle of your driveway. 230131 ... e_o_i The velar_fricative shows up where I don't expect it. 230131 ... raze pounding on a piano and singing random rhymes doesn't make you an artist. or maybe it does. who even knows anymore. 230201 ... raze the secret to mac demarco's drum sound is an $800 microwave. 230202 ... raze everyone knows "green eggs and ham" and "the cat in the hat". the one dr. seuss book no one ever talks about is "i dare not make you proud". 230203 ... raze being the only naked person in a group of otherwise fully clothed people has its advantages. no one can accuse you of being out of step with current fashion trends, for one thing. 230204 ... raze when in need of an explanation for your tardiness, i find conjuring a bit of blood to create the illusion of an unexplained beating works quite well. 230205 ... raze one way to get a line to move faster is to jettison all the medical professionals and people named after birds. you'd be surprised what an immediate difference that makes. 230206 ... raze when in search of a good band name, just combine a street name with a feeling. you can't go wrong. 230207 ... tender_square when searching through an ex-friend's cd collection, it's highly unlikely you'll stumble upon an audio version of your chapbook when you never recorded one. 230207 ... raze sometimes you have to chew through snow to get to the gifts at the bottom of the box. the good news is it tastes just like vanilla ice cream. 230208 ... tender_square you can use just about anything for a pillow's stuffing, so long as it's soft. only a mother knows how to shame you into keeping a prototype you'd rather throw away. 230208 ... raze no sandwich should ever cost a hundred dollars in a restaurant. i don't care how good it is. 230209 ... tender_square it's now de rigueur to make guests drop off their gifts prior to entering a baby shower or wedding reception, it's the only way to gain admittance through the door by having your name checked. 230210 ... raze muchmusic's "the newmusic" program is a lot more useful when the names of the artists being profiled are provided to the viewer. 230210 ... raze four orgasms in a day is probably pushing it, but if baked goods are involved, all things are possible. 230211 ... raze even a rubber rooster crows sometimes. 230212 ... raze the bathrooms you have to swim to get to are the ones you really need to watch out for. 230213 ... raze pink paper has no staying power. 230214 ... tender_square a high-rolling office chair is not the best mode of transport down a steep hill, especially when you're top heavy and don't have a seat belt. 230214 ... raze it's easier to justify stealing when you think about all the world has taken from you. 230215 ... raze everyone's got their reasons for visiting the crying house. 230216 ... tender_square télépopmusik: "breathe" 230216 ... tender_square having a sixty-theater cineplex is more than a little over-the-top. it doesn't help that all the spaces are interconnected, especially when your movie ticket is for a space in the upper fifties and you have an armful of concessions. 230216 ... raze the only thing that can improve the gift of a pickle jar is a matching jean skirt. 230217 ... raze the trick to getting bloodstains out of a bedspread is as simple as turning it upside_down. 230218 ... raze i don't have any interest in trying to sell myself to a stranger in a suit. i'd rather just give them the unvarnished truth. 230219 ... tender_square a small tiki shot glass isn't the best vessel for sipping soup. 230219 ... raze animals choose you. not the other way around. 230220 ... raze even sleep offers no peace. 230221 ... tender_square impromptu classic car shows have a way of bringing out boomers. 230221 ... tender_square it's pretty uncool when a teenage performer doesn't warn the audience there's a lion in her sketch and she has it leap from darkness of auditorium seats onto the stage. 230222 ... raze all presentations for city officials should start with a stooges song. 230223 ... e_o_i Some suspect dream astronomy: the "real name" of the moon? Sirius. (I'd read the blathe about the Sirius radio station before sleeping. Also, why *doesn't* the moon have a proper name?) 230223 ... raze the loss of historic buildings breeds obesity. 230224 ... tender_square even people you would least expect to be impacted by ontario's prices are having a hard time of it. 230224 ... raze there's no salad that can't be improved with a bit of desperation and homemade dressing. 230225 ... raze thanksgiving children's programming leaves a bit to be desired. 230226 ... raze grade school dances will never lose their magic. 230227 ... tender_square it's pretty unnerving to see your first ex-husband have a bigger rack than you do. 230227 ... raze checking into a hotel becomes a little more complicated when your birth certificate is shredded and shows a postal code that isn't yours. 230228 ... raze the tapes i want to listen to most will always be just out of reach. 230301 ... raze designing an electric guitar is like selling beer. all you really need to do is appeal to people's most sordid sensibilities. 230302 ... tender_square you might second-guess sexy shots you posted online as art projects, especially when seeing them from an hr perspective of a company you hope will hire you for a corporate gig. 230302 ... raze it becomes a lot easier to climb to the summit of a snow-dappled mountain without any training or assistance when your life is on the line and men with guns are standing behind you, ready to pump you full of lead if you don't grab that rope. 230303 ... raze taking a nap won't lubricate my dry throat. 230304 ... tender_square not all bodies of water have the luxury of being trenched and tiled like ornate swimming pools. 230304 ... raze squirrels enjoy children's books not so much for the content, but because they're often small enough for them to handle without too much awkwardness. 230305 ... raze of all the things i'd like to see in my bathroom at night, the flabby ass of a masturbating stranger has to rank somewhere near the bottom of the list. 230306 ... raze some gun runners just want to be told their hair looks nice. 230307 ... raze never trust a flying monkey. (i really should know better after "the wizard of oz".) 230308 ... tender_square characters from episodic television have a way of crashing into my unconscious. (i dreamt of "fraiser" and "workin' mom's" in two separate mind movies.) 230308 ... raze stuffed animals can also be books. 230309 ... raze you wouldn't think a ponytail and beard would suit arnold schwarzenegger at all, but he pulls it off with significant aplomb. 230310 ... raze spock is secretly a salty bastard. just ask captain kirk. 230311 ... tender_square i'm not a fault for walking in on a former high-school classmate being naked—she didn't lock her hotel door when i entered the wrong one. 230311 ... raze caustic compliments are best exchanged through ancient email lists. 230312 ... tender_square just like waking life, you're the only person in my dreams that i really want to talk to. 230312 ... raze anything alf-related will always amount to instant childhood nostalgia. 230313 ... raze there's a quick fix to locking your keys inside the car. just have a friend show up driving an identical vehicle, and it'll magically contain all your lost possessions. 230314 ... raze making fun of your best friend's breasts probably isn't the wisest course of action. especially if you're a cartoon character. you open yourself up to some pretty nasty reciprocal insults. 230315 ... raze if you try to eat a live squirrel, i'm probably going to bite your nose off. 230316 ... raze in the aftermath of a prison break, pausing to steal a piano probably isn't the best way to avoid calling attention to yourself. 230317 ... raze all rodents are miraculous swimmers. 230318 ... tender_square dildos can make great statuary. 230318 ... raze assassins hide in plain sight. 230319 ... raze i'm the oldest eighth grader you'll ever meet. 230320 ... tender_square when an ugly, meek animal bites at your leg, it means they're trying to herd you towards something important. don't kick what isn't beautiful. 230320 ... raze when warren zevon said, "enjoy every sandwich," he didn't mean, "eat someone else's diabetic lunch in front of them." 230321 ... raze my mother isn't a very good actress, but she's no worse than, say, jennifer lopez in "gigli". 230322 ... raze the most difficult band names to recall under duress are the simplest ones. 230323 ... tender_square sunscreen isn't really effective after you've already burned. 230323 ... raze good pizza is worth waiting for, but only up to a point. 230324 ... raze the occasional good new "simpsons" episode does still fall through the cracks, but only when the theme is halloween. 230325 ... raze wikipedia cannot save me from being unprepared. 230326 ... raze it's a strange feeling when a friend who was never very affectionate misses you enough to nibble on your face like a curious child. 230327 ... raze gord downie is a pretty great (if perpetually bemused) stepfather. 230328 ... raze when you've amassed enough roommates, a furniture store and your living room are pretty much interchangeable. 230329 ... tender_square the quickest way to show someone from your past that you don't give a shit what they think is to twerk to taylor swift while holding a twelve-pack of toilet paper above your head. 230329 ... raze anything that's been frozen can be revived. 230330 ... tender_square when your date is super drunk and vomits on himself, it's safe to call it a night and take the keys to his car. 230331 ... raze when given a choice between whiskey-flavoured ice cream and cake with an unpronounceable name, i'm probably going with the cake, no matter what it tastes like. 230401 ... raze as george saunders wrote in his caustic preface to "lincoln in the bardo": "innovation is innovation. writing is writing. you need only show up." 230402 ... raze accidental truth serum is the worst kind. you can't prepare for being honest against your will when what you've been injected with is only supposed to sedate you. 230403 ... raze no one cares enough to pay attention to anything that appears on the screen of a commodore 64. 230404 ... tender_square a cop held up a big bag of drug evidence against the tenant. i'm pretty sure it was pot, and i'm pretty sure this isn't 1968 anymore. 230405 ... raze sometimes you need to beat someone half to death before you realize what they mean to you. 230406 ... raze it's always a sad situation when the sins of public transport force you to alter your own body to compensate. 230407 ... tender_square the best way to eat spiders is to hide them under lettuce leaves so you can't see what you're ingesting. 230408 ... raze a seamstress shouldn't pick favourites when it comes to stuffed animals. but everyone does. it's unavoidable. 230409 ... tender_square neutral is not only a great gear for pushing a vehicle out of a tight spot, but also an instructional approach to conflict. 230409 ... raze horses make great voice actors. 230410 ... raze when i imagine squeaky clean celebrities as addicts, they don't look anything like themselves. 230411 ... raze some rats just want to be free. 230412 ... raze human beings weren't designed to be hoisted up by their fingers. 230413 ... raze there's no greater crime than name theft. 230414 ... raze all you need to be a successful diagnostician is a broken leg or two. 230415 ... raze i've been wearing zendaya's clothes all along. 230416 ... raze the most considerate way to insult someone is to say what you think of them to someone else while acting like you don't know the person you're denigrating is in the room with you. 230417 ... tender_square the only way to prevent yourself from falling down a set of stairs without railing support is to repeat the words "don't fall" again and again as both incantation and directive. 230417 ... raze anything strawberry-related needs to be removed from the car. pumpkin pie stays in the trunk. 230418 ... raze i can see into the future, but only as it pertains to my bladder. 230419 ... raze when you reach a certain age, a rave is just a sprawling house party where everyone is dosed with e in an effort to break through social niceties and get at what's real. 230420 ... tender_square even the women in your dreams know that your tenant is bad news. he presents one way, and acts another. 230420 ... raze when robert patrick's T-1000 is doing all it can to kill me, my priority is making sure the squirrels in the back yard are okay. 230421 ... tender_square there is always dancing. 230421 ... raze unwanted vanilla cake grows more appealing the longer you stare at it and silently seethe. 230422 ... raze you can always spruce up a hair-washing experience with a random bathroom wall memorial for a person you don't know. 230423 ... raze in an unseen alternate ending to "lethal weapon 2", riggs pauses after being shot to enjoy a big mac on a grassy knoll. 230424 ... raze if you're going to plagiarize one of my songs in an effort to pass an important audition, it helps if you take the time to learn the lyrics first. 230425 ... raze hair-related insults always cut deeper than you'd think they would. 230426 ... raze uncut grass makes a solid background for a credit crawl. 230427 ... raze i remember more about "the princess bride" than cary elwes does. and that's a little scary. 230428 ... raze all an army deserter needs to do to win back the respect of his peers is defeat a pair of dirty-fighting twins in hand-to-hand combat. 230429 ... raze getting water on your laptop's keyboard isn't always the end of the world, but if you bring your computer in the bathtub with you, you're playing a very dangerous game. 230430 ... raze removing adult braces from your teeth by hand is difficult but doable. 230501 ... raze all my former friends are cruel pranksters. 230502 ... raze there's a massive guided by voices biography called "the battle of the maroi mothers". the question no one can seem to answer is this: is it a science fiction film, or is it a cafe? 230503 ... raze i can't even escape noise pollution when i'm asleep. 230504 ... tender_square the neighbours will disapprove of your romantic relationship with a big, fat baby, but your brother understands. 230504 ... raze incredible things can happen at book signing events. 230505 ... raze sometimes it's hard to tell if the knob protruding from a gingerbread man's head is an antenna or a misplaced penis. 230506 ... e_o_i Before a dream_assignment, I need to bring a fellow German-class student the best possible bubble tea, or my honour will be besmirched. 230507 ... raze you're never alone as long as you've got multicoloured socks. 230508 ... tender_square a fork makes a good spoon in a pinch. 230508 ... e_o_i Luckily, the "international hip hop" section of an airport is for listeners as well as performers. 230508 ... raze fast_food napkins are a handy method of communication when you and a friend aren't on speaking terms. 230509 ... raze "death by mother-driven car" isn't high on my list of preferred exit paths. 230510 ... raze nobody remembers this, but barbara walters had one of the main roles in douglas sirk's "written on the wind". 230511 ... e_o_i According to the logic of dream_conversations, I'm allergic to children. 230511 ... tender_square folding someone else's lingerie is still embarrassing in front a man you don't know. 230512 ... raze one way to win back the trust of your estranged son is to offer him your father's jazz records. 230513 ... raze when the world is about to end, it's important to make sure you're wearing an appropriate sweater. 230514 ... raze some people will walk a very long way for a bucket of fried chicken. 230515 ... raze you can do a lot of different things with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. but toasting the bread is taking it too far. 230516 ... raze a food truck is only as good as its proprietor's ability to add and subtract in the absence of a cash register. 230517 ... tender_square floating can be just as empowering as rocket launching. 230517 ... raze christopher walken's greatest acting performance just might be in a film no one ever talks about: 1981's "george's granddaughter and her enemies". 230518 ... raze some cars ask wordless questions before they lean in to kill you. 230519 ... raze when someone you've never met places some food they've prepared in your mouth, you just might get a great surprise. 230520 ... raze if i get angry enough at a cheating tennis player, i sound just like harrison ford losing his shit. 230521 ... raze when my neighbour — a self-described poet who doesn't actually write anything but expends an incredible amount of energy celebrating his own brilliance — finally publishes a book of his work, it's even worse than i expect it to be. it's also littered with intentional typographical errors in a lame attempt at being hip. 230522 ... raze flowers are no substitute for not being able to make it to a birthday party. 230523 ... raze just because someone wants to kill you, it doesn't mean they can't still laugh at your jokes. 230524 ... raze deodorant is meant to be shared. 230525 ... raze you don't need a basketball to make the game-winning shot in an nba game. all you need is a chicken nugget and a laundry basket. 230526 ... raze every squeaky clean country singer has a filthy sense of humour when the cameras stop rolling. 230527 ... raze some friends think the empty promise to pay you back for the food you let them eat is a valid substitute for saying goodbye. 230528 ... raze movie critics aren't a fan of flat sound in horror films. 230529 ... raze the best lollipops have vestigial heads. 230530 ... raze my mother doesn't care about the welfare of an acoustic guitar. (no surprise there.) 230531 ... raze not being able to find a seat in a crowded classroom is known as "the clista effect". 230601 ... tender_square one hundred dollars for a used book is far too steep, in my opinion. 230601 ... raze every tennis ball is owned by the government. it's only a matter of time before they decide they want them all back. 230602 ... raze it's tough to make much headway in a side-scrolling beat 'em up game when you can't see any of the muscular men who are trying to kill you. 230603 ... raze some vintage dictaphones are secretly cameras too. 230604 ... raze cmt will never die. 230605 ... raze courtney love's new album "rainbows" is about turning thirty. the lyrics are as cynical as the music is cheerful. "this isn't her greatest work," a reviewer writes. "that remains 'celebrity skin', because it can be divided into two different layers." 230606 ... raze no one really wants to see "lethal weapon 59". 230607 ... raze everyone should own a timbale drum. you never know when it might come in handy. 230608 ... raze an umbrella makes a decent weapon in a pinch. 230609 ... raze nothing breaks the ice like a toy megaphone that has the ability to lower the pitch of your voice to an absurd degree. 230610 ... raze the penis is not the only part of a boxer worth punching. but it's a start. 230611 ... raze diplomatic immunity really just means getting insulted by smug lawyers at the dinner table. 230612 ... raze the director's cut of "as good as it gets" features a very different ending: a montage of sex scenes in which melvin warns of his impending orgasm with the grammatically suspect, "cannon are loaded! cannon are loaded!" 230613 ... raze as patti smith writes in her most recent book, we're all just processed meat with olives inside, grieving the loss of our guts. 230614 ... raze no piano is truly at home on a stage. they're all secretly longing to be anywhere else. 230615 ... raze lost keys have a way of returning when you least expect them to and acting like they never left. 230616 ... raze a game of strip basketball is a fine way of breaking the ice on a first date. 230617 ... raze if you choose to start up a crime-solving printing press, be prepared for some blowback. 230618 ... tender_square when your ex-boyfriend threatens to kill you, jump in a fucking cab as fast as you can. 230618 ... raze offering to warm up someone who's cold is a gesture that can be misconstrued in a whole lot of different ways. 230619 ... raze the phone always dies when you're about to say something profound. 230620 ... raze it's easier to carry a bulky table on your own than it is to take a dump under duress. 230621 ... raze ceramic desks tend to appreciate in value over time. 230622 ... raze stepping back in time is as simple as turning a faux-fur coat inside_out. 230623 ... raze all the best beer truck drivers wear costumes to hide their true identity. 230624 ... raze some dresser drawers just defy being organized or tidied up in any appreciable way. 230625 ... raze my sense of direction will always be a liability. 230626 ... raze one who works at a convenience store shouldn't sample all the chocolate bars before the customer has a chance to buy them intact. it's bad form. 230627 ... raze a borrowed pen will never write as reliably as one of your own. 230628 ... raze it's probably best not to talk to satanists at the mall, but that won't stop me from feeling guilty about being rude to a smiling stranger. 230629 ... raze a true farmer lets their duck determine when it's dinnertime. 230630 ... raze even when i've got one of the least important roles in a play, i'm still one of the only actors who cares enough to show up prepared. 230701 ... raze tennis is best played on a proper court, and not outside a grade school with a gym mat and no net. 230702 ... raze unrequited love is an asshole. 230703 ... raze everyone wants to kill you the day before your prison term ends. 230704 ... raze talking to a hoagie won't make it behave any better than it would if you were silent, but at least the sandwich will know where it stands. 230705 ... raze of all places, the house that belonged to my temporary_inherited_grandmother is the obvious choice for a hideout when nowhere else is safe. 230706 ... raze true friendship is buying someone a chocolate caramel cookie sandwich even when it costs nine whole dollars. 230707 ... raze forget not talking to strangers. you shouldn't even look at them. they'll just want to fight you for not keeping your eyes to yourself. 230708 ... raze salting a salad isn't necessarily the great idea you think it is. 230709 ... raze the reason no one badmouths doug stegmeyer is because he runs the online business "billy_joel books". and that's a pretty impressive feat for someone who's been a ghost for almost thirty years. 230710 ... e_o_i I've named a character Frank Gerade. This became funny when, awake, I looked up "gerade" in German - literally straight ahead, metaphorically honest. So Frank Gerade could be someone who tells it to you like it is. 230710 ... raze baby oil is not a very effective surrogate soap. 230711 ... raze few things in life are more moving than the gift of unanticipated bread. 230712 ... tender_square i guess even two men poised to shoot themselves with comically long-chambered pistols is some kind of penis envy i'm carrying. 230712 ... e_o_i How to protest a school's bribe-taking: find a Madeleine L'Engle novel where a similar thing happens and photograph your face next to the relevant page. 230713 ... raze it's pretty unsettling when blather changes colours on you in the middle of the night and adopts a more linear structure. 230714 ... raze everyone thinks they're in shape until they meet someone who walks faster than they do. 230715 ... raze when buying a pet through the mail, you'll want to confirm that they ship in a breathable package. 230716 ... raze a bed of mixed greens won't stop my friends from disappearing. 230717 ... raze dumping water in a salad like it's a bowl of cereal isn't always a disaster. sometimes it improves the taste. 230718 ... raze when being persecuted in an unfamiliar country, one must remember to appreciate the simple things, like the unexpected gift of a disposable camera, or an equally unexpected memoir written by john oates. 230719 ... raze sometimes a blowhard is just a sad person trying to make a connection after doing hard time for tax evasion. 230720 ... raze katy perry cares about the important things in a romantic relationship. "if i have a mosquito bite on one of my breasts and my cleavage is showing," she says, "i want to know." 230721 ... e_o_i I can take a class with the course code BARN, short for Barnology. (Details in dream_school.) 230721 ... raze chair envy is a thing. 230722 ... e_o_i If someone is speaking in French and you answer in German, you'll be teleported to dream_Germany where there's free bubble tea. (Although I accidentally spoke German in the dog park a few weeks ago and no teleportation occurred.) 230722 ... raze val kilmer wasn't the best batman. he wasn't even the best bruce wayne. but man, did he look good in a suit. 230723 ... raze thinking of michael jordan won't fix a broken jump_shot. 230724 ... tender_square it feels unscrupulous to defecate in the public bathroom when your grade school classmate has survived cancer and waits to queue up next; you should offer the stall to her first. 230724 ... raze you're only as good as your ability to improvise compelling conversation in a roomful of surly strangers. 230725 ... raze memories are made and remade in the least likely places. 230726 ... raze when walnut fragments symbolize songs, you can store a whole side of a vinyl record in the face of a flower. 230727 ... raze you can't question the intentions of someone who organizes a tennis tournament for troubled teens. 230728 ... raze billboards aren't just advertisements. sometimes they deliver useful information about people you don't particularly like. 230729 ... raze trying to navigate the bridge between mile-high waterslides is a recipe for a panic attack. 230730 ... raze oddly enough, writing someone's name in an encyclopedia doesn't have the same effect as a simple youtube search. 230731 ... raze some of the most honest things you'll read were written by people you'll never meet or know. 230801 ... raze you can't throw a banjo at someone and expect them to play on the spot. i mean, you *can*, but if you do that to me you're just going to get "come sail away". 230802 ... raze when a professor proposes a photographic transaction to mend a middling grade, it helps if the guy shows up so you can take his picture. 230803 ... raze it will never not be disturbing to see blather with avatars and a design more in line with that of a conventional message board. 230804 ... raze reissues of creem magazine don't actually contain any writing by lester bangs. the contents don't seem to have anything to do with music at all. and that's just strange. 230805 ... raze a swarm of insects is not a conversation, but it can take the place of a community poll. 230806 ... raze all skunks look like chubby nuns when they're walking away. 230807 ... e_o_i A wallet isn't the best place to store tomatoes, but only one gets crushed. 230808 ... raze a bathroom is the best place to work on building your embouchure, because no one's around to see the funny faces you're making. 230809 ... raze nothing mends a broken friendship like scrambled eggs. 230810 ... raze thomas jane is secretly a possum. 230811 ... tender_square barbecue chips are best served carefully fanned and layered. 230811 ... raze everyone should experience the wonder of having a bushy tail at least once in their lives. 230812 ... raze it's always a little disconcerting when your name becomes a warning in a stranger's mouth. 230813 ... raze when i'm a pretty young woman at a house party, i'll need the sturdy door of a refrigerator to steady myself when i start feeling faint. 230814 ... raze finding footage of kobe bryant passing the ball to another player is a little like stumbling onto a moment of humility from kanye west. such things do exist, but they're almost impossible to dig out from the swamp of self-absorption. 230815 ... raze one of the best ways to mess with someone's head is to intentionally and repeatedly mispronounce the word "coconut". 230816 ... raze one way to diffuse a fistfight is to transform into a different, smaller person and tell your opponent they just killed you. guaranteed to devastate them. 230817 ... raze nba players make for a surprisingly decent bass section in an impromptu choir. 230818 ... raze you can always find a better synth bass sound, in thought if not in action. 230819 ... raze the easiest way to tell how far back in time you've gone is to study the tone and pitch of your voice. 230820 ... raze carlos santana is a nice guy, but he never stops talking. 230821 ... raze for some inexplicable reason, it's a lot more difficult for me to count how many blathes are on the recent page when half of them have titles that are single-digit numbers. 230822 ... raze random red neckties have a way of tying themselves. 230823 ... raze raincoats are measured by waist size now. 230824 ... raze don henley's got some good non-album singles. tracking them down is the tricky part. 230825 ... raze some stores that stock vintage video game cartridges also sell porn in the back. they don't advertise it, but it's there. 230826 ... raze once your basketball leaves your property, it no longer belongs to you. 230827 ... raze steven van zandt gives good hugs. 230828 ... raze my stepfather digs boz scaggs. who knew? 230829 ... raze every squirrel is just a friend i haven't met yet. 230830 ... raze you're never alone in a labyrinthian abandoned building. 230831 ... raze no one puts pepper on a pastry. 230901 ... raze bath water never holds its heat when you need it to. 230902 ... raze the secret to making a great burger is hiding a layer of peanuts under the patty. 230903 ... raze fast_food will not set you free. 230904 ... raze you shouldn't have to reboot your computer to try out a new browser. 230905 ... raze it's always a little unsettling to call someone else's house and hear your own voice on the answering_machine. 230906 ... raze it isn't easy to misplace a desk, but it *is* possible. 230907 ... raze convincing a dog *not* to run around in the snow is like telling the sun not to shine. it ain't gonna happen. 230908 ... raze trimming my thumbnail in an artistic way might make it look pretty, but i'll pay for it when i scratch an itch without thinking about how jagged i've made the abrading tool. 230909 ... raze there's a fine line between drug money and grocery money. some would argue they're effectively the same thing. 230910 ... raze radiohead's "hail_to_the_thief" is described as "a cohesive album that's been willfully splintered and made sprawling". the reviewer says it like it's a bad thing, but that's why i've always loved the thing. 230911 ... tender_square it was so literal it beat me over the head when i awoke. i watched college students work to raise a large horizontal bar together. my bar was already raised without assistance, without additional effort. 230911 ... raze every friend you walk away from will be closer to death when you see them again. 230912 ... raze a fire extinguisher isn't so different from a canister of whipped cream. 230913 ... raze drowning in whiskey isn't my idea of a good death. 230914 ... raze i'm only really adept at navigating a jungle gym when my life is on the line. 230915 ... raze frosted cream isn't really frosted. it isn't even much of a cream. it's more like a mellower cocktail sauce. the ingredients are "wooden, sugar, snap, static, and pop". the tagline on the label: "delivering a little extra flavour." 230916 ... tender_square your shirt you accidentally dropped at the base of a toilet can be rescued. thankfully, the puddle it landed in wasn't urine. 230916 ... raze getting cogeco cable again probably isn't the best idea. they'll just end up charging you outrageous amounts of money for channels you don't even have access to. 230917 ... raze most kids don't have much interest in the bands their parents formed before they were born. 230918 ... raze dog urine has stories to tell us. 230919 ... raze any educator worth their salt knows you don't need a chalkboard to get your point across. an angry dartboard with layers of profanity will work just as well. 230920 ... raze screaming doesn't shrink your vocal range. it encourages it to expand. 230921 ... raze anyone who tries to get you to sign something even after learning you're not the home owner is probably running a scam of some kind. especially if they have a moustache. 230922 ... raze the last written message found in the bedroom of jean-michel basquiat after his death said only this: "a lot of losers." 230923 ... raze deer make surprisingly good getaway drivers. 230924 ... raze the best snack you can give a random cat is a green grape. 230925 ... raze all the best photographs come with colour commentary attached. 230926 ... raze everyone ages faster when you're not around them. 230927 ... raze praying to a bowl of cereal probably isn't going to get the results you're after, but at least you won't go hungry. 230928 ... raze i do a pretty good imitation of what i imagine an older jim morrison might have sounded like, but only when i'm standing in a classroom full of strangers. 230929 ... raze it's difficult not to feel a little envious when i learn an old_friend has had one of his songs covered by destroyer. 230930 ... raze a staircase can also be a washing_machine. 231001 ... raze your second high_school career is always more confusing than the first. 231002 ... raze when you punch a president in the face, they briefly become a lemon cake. 231003 ... raze orchestrating an unwanted double date isn't the best way to befriend a spanish tennis player. 231004 ... raze i'm not afraid of heights. i'm afraid of lengths. 231005 ... raze my jump_shot will always abandon me when i need it most. 231006 ... raze food-related vendettas tend to get messy. in more ways than one. 231007 ... raze tom hanks make a weirdly compelling addition to the rolling stones. he needs to tone down the stage makeup, though. 231008 ... e_o_i My dream coworker doesn't think "writing English words in Devanagari script" is the best code ever dreamed up (and just when I was getting exited about it, too). 231008 ... raze travis bickle's chosen soundtrack for his descent into madness is gary wright's "dream weaver", which he describes as "a plastic song for a fake person". 231009 ... raze most dogs really just want to hear a good bedtime story. 231010 ... e_o_i (by "exited" I meant "excited," but I did exit the dream soon after, soo...) If you scoop up some orange-coloured "bubbles" from a bubble_tea counter and eat them without paying, you'll get frowned at but not charged. It's just that when you DO buy tea, you'll also be pushed to get a reusable straw shaped like a dragon that's somehow attached to a children's fantasy book written by "Jackson Peters" attached (he's part Peter Jackson, part G.R.R. Martin). 231010 ... e_o_i (aaaand now I repeat "attached". I need more sleep even if my dreams are about a type of drink I'm trying not to waste money on.) 231010 ... raze bruce springsteen has written so many songs, even he forgets some of them. 231011 ... raze the chorus of "ahead_by_a_century" has the power to make me weep no matter where it's being performed or how late i am to arrive. 231012 ... raze there are cassettes in my possession i didn't even know existed let alone lived here. 231013 ... raze winter comes early in emails. 231014 ... raze these days, being a grief counsellor really just involves listening to people complain about how little they like their jobs while wondering if you feel any affection for your own. 231015 ... raze revenge is a dish best served while hiding under a partially deflated life raft. 231016 ... raze a shotgun blast to the back isn't necessarily a death sentence, but it's going to give you some pretty pronounced scoliosis. 231017 ... raze sometimes even your tv set is against you. 231018 ... raze "budapest adventures" is not the wholesome travel documentary its title might lead you to believe it is. it's actually porn with a plot. 231019 ... raze in the event of a fight outside a convenience store at night, it's important to wear your best boxer pants. 231020 ... raze there's a disturbing link between concussive events and involuntary defecation. 231021 ... raze tough steak can symbolize just about anything. most often, the knife's failure to cut through the fat has something to do with a friendship that's ended. 231022 ... raze a black_cat at the crest of a tree isn't necessarily a bad omen. it could just mean the cat wanted a more panoramic view of their surroundings. 231023 ... raze tree branches can be made to taste like chicken, but you're gonna need to floss something fierce when you're done eating. 231024 ... raze strange as it sounds for a guy who was the most insane multitasker in the doors, ray manzarek didn't feel like he was pulling his weight until after "waiting for the sun" was recorded. 231025 ... raze the best way to calm an angry dog is to lie down on the ground and let it sniff your face. 231026 ... raze war and love are connected in ways we can't begin to comprehend. 231027 ... raze it's hard to keep track of how many crunches you've done when you can barely lift your head. 231028 ... e_o_i If you get scared because the neighbour's roof outside your window is tilting - and then run outside, afraid the house you're in is collapsing - it's actually the other house that's moving: its roof is being lifted up and rotated by a giant crane. 231028 ... raze tennis and baseball are pretty much the same thing when you're playing a game that doesn't really exist. 231029 ... raze the best way to find me is to become a squirrel. (but we already knew that, didn't we?) 231030 ... raze a sweater always fits better when you're someone other than yourself. 231031 ... raze soup is always judged most harshly by its maker. 231101 ... raze i can outrun a curious dog, but i can't pull off a decent roundhouse kick to save my life. 231102 ... raze a friend's girlfriend might mean well, but she doesn't know what kind of bristles i prefer on my toothbrush. that's something unique to every one of us. like a fingerprint. 231103 ... raze some people like to start their day with a spicy green olive. i'm not one of those people. 231104 ... raze it doesn't matter how big the dog is. they're still going to panic when they think you've got them in a headlock. 231105 ... raze the sarah boards were a series of obscure message boards active in the early 1990s that offered a fascinating alternative to the conventional online experience. in some ways, they were a precursor to blather. they're gone now, and i'm the only one who seems to remember anything about them (which is pretty impressive, because i didn't have a home computer or internet access until 2001). 231106 ... raze when piss starts to spread across the crotch of your thermal underwear while you walk, urine serious trouble. 231107 ... raze mafiosos are surprisingly possessive when it comes to cherry tomatoes. 231108 ... raze everyone who cares about me is more interested in sleeping than sex. 231109 ... raze you can't be late for class if you don't know what class you're missing. 231110 ... raze cheesecake isn't always the star of the show. sometimes it's little more than a supporting player. don't tell the cheesecake that, though. it's got feelings too. 231111 ... raze you can make a pancake with bread instead of batter. the trick is toasting it under a layer of tupperware, harnessing the heat of the room you're in. 231112 ... raze sometimes your mind stays asleep beneath your bedsheets even after you've left the house. sometimes it looks just like a person who's almost you. 231113 ... raze as robert de niro so astutely observes, without the resonances that connect us, a ketchup chip is just a seasoned slice of questionably cooked potato. 231114 ... raze a squirrel with adhd is prepared to eat everything in sight forever. 231115 ... raze it's difficult to kill people who aren't very interested in dying. 231116 ... raze you can't return a vhs tape to the rental place without revealing to the staff that you never finished watching the film between your fingers. 231117 ... raze gangsters are more bothered by getting a bit of water spilled on their suit in a fancy restaurant than seeing someone point a gun at the head of one of their friends. 231118 ... raze mind the red ring. 231119 ... e_o_i Startled at turning into a "stocky, bearded Irish man" when you were previously a short, not-much-bearded Canadian woman? It's just to illustrate your dream_thesis about Ulysses. (and raze, re 231115: that's going to be my squirrel reincarnation) 231119 ... raze (i'll have you know the squirrel in that dream was named "koala", and he was AWESOME. therefore, you too will be a fantabulous squirrel named after an unrelated animal.) 231119 ... raze orange coffee isn't bad, but it's best if brewed the conventional way instead of being zapped in the microwave. 231120 ... e_o_i nr sends me loose-leaf tea, but I'm unclear on the instructions (see blatherskite_dreams) 231120 ... raze distance alters the movement of time. 231121 ... raze my landlord is such an asshole he expects me to pay people he's hired to do unnecessary work on the house, and he doesn't even have the decency to tell me himself. 231122 ... raze light fixtures without any bulbs in their bellies can throw off more light than you might think. 231123 ... raze teleportation is easy enough. the hardest part is getting home. 231124 ... raze if you knock over a can of someone else's beer in the back of a van, you need to drink it to make sure it isn't flat. for_science. 231125 ... raze true friendship is being able to share a laugh about peeing even when you know you're about to die. 231126 ... raze attempts to drown yourself in a bathtub will most likely turn you into a hitman for hire. 231127 ... raze mickey rooney and melanie griffith make a pretty strange pair. 231128 ... raze the most effective aging simulators treat their subjects as future addicts. 231129 ... raze i don't know what ice cream and the music of big star have in common, but their intersection has a way of bringing people together. 231130 ... raze nail clippers are never around when you need them. 231201 ... raze strange things hide in unfamiliar toilet bowls when you're searching for arousal. 231202 ... raze you can't wake a child that's a figment of someone else's imagination, but that won't stop them from chastising you for risking it by playing a bit of music on an unfamiliar instrument. 231203 ... raze there are a lot of live albums by the police i don't know about. 231204 ... raze a certain tennis player has it in for me, but he won't explain why. 231205 ... raze apparently my stepfather was once a musician. you'd have to know him at least a little bit to understand what a shocking revelation that is. 231206 ... raze a broken foot doesn't hurt that much. it just gets numb and hard to walk on. 231207 ... raze every staircase has a story to tell. 231208 ... e_o_i Stay too long at a neighbour's garage sale, and you'll start becoming part of their household. 231208 ... raze the surest sign of changing weather is the sudden appearance of corduroy overalls. 231209 ... raze a record-setting shot in a college basketball game doesn't count if it comes at the end of a broken play. 231210 ... raze you know those psychedelic transitions between scenes on "that '70s show"? well, it turns out "saved by the bell" actually pioneered that shit. it's just that no one talks about who did it first. 231211 ... raze cell phones are not my friends. 231212 ... raze it's important to keep an open mind in a public restroom. 231213 ... raze in a deleted scene from "rocky ii", adrian tells rocky not to be floofy, and it emboldens him in the big fight. but it seems to me one would be better served by doing the opposite of avoiding floof in moments of uncertainty. 231214 ... Soma if you need to make pumpkin pie, you better stop leaving your grocery list at home repeatedly. 231214 ... raze it's easier to wash your face when you aren't wearing a hat. 231215 ... raze what happens on a houseboat stays on a houseboat. especially if steven seagal is involved. 231216 ... Soma If you cry to your mother about the truth while you’re out shopping together, she’ll just make it clear that she and the shop attendant are the ones with real problems. 231216 ... raze some houses are more pleasant to inhabit when they only have you to hold. 231217 ... raze when red_wine symbolizes the state of a romantic relationship, your glass is never full. 231218 ... raze every song changes shape when it's heard on the other side of a window. 231219 ... raze compact discs have evil twins. 231220 ... Soma You can safely handle terrifying situations like a castle full of killer lizard men as long as your friends have your back. 231220 ... raze it's easy to hide an illicit walkman in the middle of a high_school class. the greater challenge is getting a laugh out of an unfamiliar teacher. 231221 ... raze when a squirrel is also a giraffe, you get a lot of fur, and a whole lot of neck. 231222 ... raze basketball coach gregg popovich and the ghost of james gandolfini have at least one thing in common: they aren't exactly warm or forthcoming at a post-game press conference. 231223 ... raze blueberries and mustard make strange sandwich companions. 231224 ... raze "sussudio" just doesn't quite hit the same when it's slowed down to a grotesque degree. 231225 ... raze of all the things you could see while trying to take a leak, decapitation probably isn't high on the list of bladder helper-outers. 231226 ... raze richard ashcroft is secretly scottish, but his true accent only comes out to play when he's on a talk show to promote a new album. 231227 ... raze the last rolling stones album where the mastering engineer did a decent job is the "jump back" compilation. everything past that point is squashed to the point of absurdity. 231228 ... raze the right configuration of stuffed animals can bring anyone to tears. 231229 ... raze the shape and colour of someone's phone can tell you a lot about their emotional state. 231230 ... raze "i am the walrus" was initially played on acoustic guitar instead of electric piano, but it sounded a little too conventional in that form. 231231 ... raze it's worth cutting class for a chance to have a conversation with david_milch. 240101 ... raze the best recipe for homemade cookies is hidden in a french textbook. 240102 ... raze the worst thing you can do is tell a robot designed to be your protector the reason it was made, because its first act after gaining some semblance of sentience will be an attempt to destroy you. 240103 ... raze nothing cures a cold like reruns of a bad sitcom. 240104 ... raze croutons shaped like muffins are surprisingly good once you get past the cognitive dissonance. 240105 ... raze eating dandelions can be hazardous to your health. especially if you're a supermodel. 240106 ... raze "wide open country" still airs on cmt at eight in the morning. 240107 ... raze even the ghost of john lennon wishes there was more video footage of him hanging out with harry nilsson. 240108 ... raze i'm always tripping over dog toys in the dark. 240109 ... raze there's no point in trying to remember anything. it's all going to disappear in the end anyway. 240110 ... e_o_i My contribution to human knowledge? I've "solved the Rick Astley code." 240110 ... raze prank calls are only as good as their insults. 240111 ... raze not all wild animals will bite you if you stop petting them. 240112 ... raze the keg restaurant now charges an extra seven bucks if you want a baked potato with your steak. i mean, i like my potatoes as much as the next person, but that seems a little excessive. 240113 ... raze desperate times call for edible socks. 240114 ... raze eldest daughter ryce was the secret hero of the "beethoven" movies. 240115 ... raze if you keep a whale in your attic, a pet poodle is likely to destroy your hardwood floors. 240116 ... raze a backpack isn't just a handy storage container. it's also a symbol of basic human decency. 240117 ... raze when i can't remember patrick dempsey's name, i keep it simple and refer to him as "mcdreamy". 240118 ... raze a stain that won't come out is really just an inadvertent fashion statement. 240119 ... raze when a comedian cries, you know something has gone seriously wrong. 240120 ... raze no one knows what to name a squirrel with a silver skull. 240121 ... raze a single strand of hair can really mess with your hearing. 240122 ... raze it's easy to confuse flying rats with bats. 240123 ... e_o_i Germans get the best dream_insurance. 240123 ... raze sometimes dialing random phone numbers will lead you to a psychiatrist in need of a friend. 240124 ... raze the best way to keep a french horn firing is to pack it with spirit gum, but silly putty will do in a pinch. 240125 ... raze if an animated film is good enough, watching it can make the people you dislike disappear. 240126 ... raze there's poetry in almost everyone, even if the line breaks give you pause. 240127 ... raze oddly enough, it's easier to run in snow than on sand. 240128 ... raze i shouldn't leave home without earplugs. 240129 ... raze sometimes the only way to get a hairdresser to notice you is to let out a desperate wordless cry, like a dog begging for attention. 240130 ... raze certain amounts of money make me think of old friends. 240131 ... raze doing a random tommy lee jones impression for a stranger will never get old. 240201 ... raze in the absence of suitable chemicals, a hot tub will do just fine for a disinfectant. 240202 ... raze if your bedroom could speak, it would probably encourage you to watch more tv without shame. 240203 ... raze finished basements lubricate secrets. 240204 ... raze you can eat all the junk food you want, but you'll never be satisfied. 240205 ... raze money changes value as it changes hands. it's worth more when it isn't mine anymore. 240206 ... raze one should never put peanuts in pork and beans. 240207 ... raze there's a bakery called the elegant apron where you can spend fifty dollars on a single cookie. it's a nice-looking cookie, but that's a little rich for my blood. 240208 ... raze no one should ever have to pay thirty bucks for a zucchini. 240209 ... raze i remember more about other people's tossed-off songs than they do. 240210 ... raze if your significant other is more worried about getting blood on the carpet than they are about your safety when a jealous would-be suitor physically attacks you without cause or provocation, you might be with the wrong person. 240211 ... raze public pissing is only a problem if you get caught. 240212 ... raze it isn't the high that attracts people to cocaine. it's the taste. 240213 ... raze there's a market for laundering impure thoughts. 240214 ... raze it isn't the search for understanding that connects us as human beings. it's teriyaki sauce. 240215 ... raze a mafia boss will offer his son a job delivering pizzas just to grab the gig for himself. he'll call it tough love, but it's really a case of one spoiled child stealing from another. 240216 ... raze just because someone's known me for half as long as they've been alive, that doesn't mean they know how to spell my name. and it's not like it's an uncommon_name. 240217 ... e_o_i Dream_marriage = you get pulled into a romance novel with a weird premise. 240217 ... raze cutting class and ballet have more in common than you might think. at their best, both involve elegant movement and an adoring audience. 240218 ... raze every salad that appears to be too small when housed in a tupperware container just needs a bowl to make it feel whole. 240219 ... raze some dogs are only howling because they want to bite you. 240220 ... raze a failed kamikaze mission is what happens when your enemies reveal themselves to be far more inept than you imagined. 240221 ... raze i can climb trees, but only when i'm dressed up like batman. 240222 ... raze if i were a thief, the first thing i'd steal from a stranger's house would be their stuffed animals. 240223 ... raze most pets leave home because they don't like the names they've been given. 240224 ... raze when blather is a classroom, i'm a little freaked out by how many unfamiliar people are sitting in it. 240225 ... raze a class schedule that's torn into tiny strips is better than no class schedule at all, but not by much. 240226 ... raze old phones are repositories for memories and moments that would otherwise be lost forever. 240227 ... raze there's a movie that's exactly like "phone booth", complete with kiefer sutherland reprising his role as the caller, but it's called "the conversation connection", and this time the star is robert downey jr., not colin farrell. one imdb reviewer's assessment: "good, for the undertone warranted." 240228 ... raze i don't know what god, hand_warmers, and fecal matter flung with bad intentions have to do with one another, but they're all connected somehow. 240229 ... raze when i'm an aspiring actress, i can land a meaty role on a popular soap opera without even auditioning. it's all about being in the right place at the right time. 240301 ... raze sullen strangers give the best facial_hair advice. 240302 ... raze there's a stephen king-themed store at the mall. all the books are his, of course, but there are also greeting cards that riff on his famous characters and storylines. 240303 ... raze the first book in the "sun seekers" series would be a perfect novel if it ended one paragraph sooner. 240304 ... raze there is no moment that can't be marred by salami breath. 240305 ... raze choose a gloomy day to die, and the sun will come out just to spite you. 240306 ... raze in the absence of paper, you can write a poem on the body of a salt_shaker. 240307 ... Soma If there's a school shooting, they won't shoot you if you're already dying of embarrassment in front of the class. 240307 ... raze you_never_know what kind of footage you'll find on an old handycam. 240308 ... raze if you ever fall in love with a cashier, don't expect them to love you back until long after your feelings have changed. 240309 ... raze when robert patrick isn't available to play the T-1000 in a dream, dolph lundgren is a surprisingly solid backup. 240310 ... raze lending musical equipment to someone with dodgy sideburns is never going to go well. 240311 ... raze there's an episode of "the fresh prince of bel-air" in which geoffrey swears. it's difficult to find, but it does exist. 240312 ... raze "zangoon" is just an esoteric word for "mob boss". 240313 ... raze a sandwich is as good a metaphor as any for the dissemination of sensitive personal information. 240314 ... raze blind pigs have the best personalities. 240315 ... raze the most difficult instrument to play well isn't the violin. it's the honey garlic sausage. 240316 ... raze some people don't think satan is real. i know he is. he's not the prince of darkness, though. he's just an angry, abusive man who lives in the basement of my temporary_inherited_grandmother. 240317 ... raze if you can dream it, you can eat it (but that doesn't necessarily mean you should). 240318 ... raze you'd be surprised how much drama a simple billiard table can stir up. 240319 ... raze there's nothing sadder than a weightlifting crab with a cruel mother. 240320 ... raze though my_other_grandfather is dead, his house lives on as a sanctuary for stoners and cartoon enthusiasts. 240321 ... raze copying down what the teacher wrote on the chalkboard was a lot easier for me when it was just a bunch of words. i have a much harder time duplicating drawings of strange objects that don't quite exist. 240322 ... raze it ain't worth dropping acid if you don't have a bark psychosis album on hand to serve as the soundtrack for your trip. 240323 ... raze if you can't say it with flowers, say it with the bent limbs of some indeterminate fern instead. 240324 ... raze i still have a strange knack for recording hardcore bands, even though i haven't touched that kind of music in more than half my lifetime now. 240325 ... raze when your college basketball team's two best players each take sixty three-point shots in one game and the end result is a whopping two made field goals, you're gonna have a bad time. 240326 ... raze this particular shade of red on your screen is what's known as "hematoma". 240327 ... raze weightlifting might do more harm than good when you're trying to fight off a fake relative. 240328 ... raze adam sandler is not nearly as adept at committing peanut-inspired pratfalls as he thinks he is. 240329 ... Soma It's okay for a sandy beach to be extremely steep. The sea cucumbers hold all the sand together. 240329 ... raze late in life, penny marshall reimagined herself as a chatty cat lady, and we were all better for it. 240330 ... raze when i become robin williams in the third person, all anyone can talk about is my ass. 240331 ... raze the best way to block a basketball is with your chest. that's the case when you're controlling characters in a video game, anyway. 240401 ... raze a mall parking lot just might be the key to unearthing lost memories. 240402 ... raze when thrust into the role of reluctant dj on cjam, i have the perfect name for my unwanted radio show: "a series of awkward moments". 240403 ... raze it's always helpful to have someone to act as a buffer when a stranger decides to stab you in the back. 240404 ... raze an old friend wanting to use you for casual sex kind of loses its appeal once you discover they expect you to spend the night at their place even though they don't own a bed (or any piece of furniture that would appear to be sleep-friendly). 240405 ... raze they're charging eight bucks and change for flimsy paper hats now. and that's just wrong. 240406 ... raze an army deserter must always weigh their luggage before heading home. 240407 ... raze every baby mushroom should star in its own exploitation film. 240408 ... raze lionel richie's "stuck on you" isn't the love song it seems to be on the surface. it's really about the life of a vagrant. 240409 ... raze it probably isn't a great idea to procrastinate when a mob boss expects you to pack up all his things by five o'clock tomorrow, or else. you can, however, get some payback by hiding a random dead body in his luggage. 240410 ... raze in a restaurant that offers samples of their most popular menu items, you can fill up on food without paying for a thing. 240411 ... raze there's nothing in life that can't be made better by a random sax solo. 240412 ... raze there exists an alternate universe in which madonna, not deniese williams, sang "let's hear it for the boy". 240413 ... raze daniel day-lewis was offered the role that ultimately went to michael douglas in "falling_down". 240414 ... raze when i'm a woman teaching two other women how to drive, i have to swerve to avoid a few north american beavers on the road. 240415 ... raze in a dystopian society, there are better things to disguise yourself as than a giant yellow teacup. 240416 ... raze when i'm playing drums, i forget who i'm talking to. 240417 ... raze wait too long to buy the one feist album you don't have, and someone else will snap it up instead. then all you'll be left with is mariah carey. 240418 ... raze john goodman should change his last name to "not half bad man". 240419 ... raze there's no time limit on easter dinner, just as long as you're appropriately dressed for the occasion. 240420 ... raze burning toast will never not be tragic. 240421 ... e_o_i When Stanley Kubrick takes a break from drawing dream_art penguins, he turns into other people, sometimes two different people at once. 240421 ... raze i am not elvis presley, but i can become him while taking a bath. 240422 ... raze if someone hands you a gun and a half-eaten apple, it probably means they intend to kill you. it also means they're thoughtful enough to give you a head start, a fighting chance, *and* a snack to enjoy on the go. and that's a rare human being right there. 240423 ... raze not having enough water to rinse the shampoo from your hair is a serious problem, but not as serious as the presence of a naked person who keeps trying to trick you into glancing at their genitalia. 240424 ... Soma Don’t give Satan your favorite snake themed jewelery unless you want the snakes extracted from it 240424 ... raze most music journalists secretly wish they were wedding photographers instead. 240425 ... raze when chocolate chip cookies become clusters of blueberries, i'll wish i'd taken a grade school teacher up on the offer of a partial reese's peanut butter cup. 240426 ... raze you can improve the national_anthem by improvising new lyrics and singing it like it's a lost mr. mister song. 240427 ... raze all the most interesting comic strips involve characters having conversations with their brains. 240428 ... raze it's surprisingly difficult to explain what a trombone is to someone who doesn't know much about horns. 240429 ... raze unexpected baked goods can cause catastrophic arguments. 240430 ... raze taking a leak at a toilet with a hollowed-out lawnmower engine for a mouth is going to be about as messy as you'd expect. 240501 ... e_o_i The sentence "We've got a six-person chandelier available" means that a fancy restaurant offers a table that can seat six people. The chandelier will remain above, un-sat-on. 240501 ... raze gmail has replaced mailer_daemon with something called "mr. html", but he's pretty useless as message transfer agents go. instead of offering any helpful information, he coughs up unintelligible forms that fail to explain why your emails didn't get to their intended recipients, promising an explanation later in the week. with that kind of incompetence, you gotta wonder if he's a real person and not just a piece of software. 240502 ... raze owning a restaurant doesn't guarantee you'll get your meal any faster than anyone else. you might not get served at all. 240503 ... raze in moments of emotional distress, the unexplained presence of courtney love is always a comfort. 240504 ... raze when baking a partial cake, it's important to try and guilt someone else into providing the icing so you don't have to buy it yourself. 240505 ... raze if you don't cancel your plans, the people you made them with will just follow you wherever you go. 240506 ... raze john_mann played a mean upright bass, though he mostly kept the ability to himself. 240507 ... e_o_i Don't look at an earring with an intricate weave of black and green seed beads and ask yourself, "Wait, did I just make that? How??" If you do, misplaced threads will appear and you'll have to unravel the whole thing. 240507 ... raze even wayne gretzky has a soft spot for his own sports memorabilia. 240508 ... raze you can tell a lot about someone from the way they treat their stuffed animals. 240509 ... raze there are two kinds of blue jays. the ones you have to watch out for are the dark-eyed sugar jays. 240510 ... raze an exploded pen can help you mourn the loss of someone you never knew. 240511 ... raze some ebay sellers are scamming people by shipping them electric typewriters when they think they've bought a macbook. 240512 ... raze it's easy enough to swing your shopping bags over my head when i'm sleeping. if you hit me, it probably means you meant to. 240513 ... raze time travel only works if you don't talk about it after the fact. 240514 ... e_o_i Sometimes you're convinced that the misunderstanding in a Jane Austen novel can be solved by two recently learned facts - 1) that "amidon" is the French word for starch 2) that the last digits of square numbers (in the base 10 system) follow the ebb-and-flow pattern 0, 1, 4, 9, 6, 5, 6, 9, 4, 1, 0... 240514 ... e_o_i (in real life, I was reading Sense and Sensibility yesterday, got distracted by contemplating one of the page numbers, and found out the square number pattern by scribbling a few numbers on a receipt) 240514 ... raze it's a pretty disorienting experience when you realize you've listened to a double album in reverse. 240515 ... raze senility acquires an extra layer of sadness when you're a thief who can't remember what he's stolen. 240516 ... raze some people would rather dictate their reasons for being upset with you and have you write them on a chalkboard with your index finger instead of having a normal conversation. and that's fine. but when all they want to talk about is sinead o'connor, it's difficult to work out what exactly you've done wrong. 240517 ... raze the most time_consuming part of filing your taxes these_days is having to provide your fingerprints with every form you fill out. 240518 ... raze the most effective way to navigate a high_school hallway is by plane, though few students will go to the trouble of renting one. 240519 ... raze you know the power has gone to a mafioso's head when all he wants to do is buy ice cream. 240520 ... raze for an older man, michael caine sure can run fast. 240521 ... Soma If you don’t act out of fear, you’ll miss out on the things you’re trying to do. 240521 ... e_o_i If you think food in Switzerland is expensive, you haven't been to Dream_Switzerland. 240521 ... raze try as i might, i just can't picture myself as a sitcom writer. 240522 ... raze some webcam models just want to eat popcorn and chill. 240523 ... raze the real test of how successful a first date has been is the question of whether or not you're willing to take a bite out of your potential partner after they turn into the bottom half of an italian sub. 240524 ... raze a thoughtful thief will wait to assault you until you've finished washing your hair. 240525 ... raze you don't want to be in a car with jimmy carr. trust me on this one. he might be funny onstage, but he's an absolute psychopath behind the wheel. 240526 ... raze nothing will inspire me to swear faster than an uncooperative camera strap. 240527 ... raze it will almost always be necessary to convince people they should die or at least fall down after i've shot them a few times. 240528 ... raze kevin costner didn't know his character would end up being the hero when he started filming "the postman". he just wanted an excuse to punch will patton in the face. 240529 ... raze you can't call it a tuna sandwich if it's got turkey and corn in it. i mean, i guess you *can*, but you'll only be lying to yourself. 240530 ... raze almost everyone who claims to love me is a liar. 240531 ... raze it's hard to feel too elated about being selected as the recipient of a free sushi dinner when your competition is a dead dictator. 240601 ... raze an erotic medical drama tv series probably isn't going to last past the first season. at least it can enjoy a second life on dvd. 240602 ... raze the most difficult form of multitasking is attempting to urinate while holding a conversation. it *can* be done, but not by me, and not without making a considerable mess. 240603 ... raze there isn't much to do in an unfamiliar country when your fingernails are cut too short to be of any use. 240604 ... raze a stone can just as easily be a door, though it isn't likely to lead anywhere. 240605 ... raze some people just don't know how or when to end a handshake. 240606 ... e_o_i Gardening in real_life gives you a dream_body the next morning. 240606 ... raze if you find yourself saddled with marijuana that's red, you probably don't want to smoke the stuff. there's no telling what it might do to you. 240607 ... raze sometimes the only way to deal with mean_spirited cops is to rewind the dream you're in. 240608 ... raze it probably isn't a great idea for me to adopt someone else's blathernym on a whim, even if i spruce it up with a few colons to try and make it pop. it'll only lead to some serious cognitive dissonance when i look at the "who" page and think, "that's_not_my_name." 240609 ... raze it isn't hard to convince a non-believer that daniel lanois' original version of "the messenger" is superior to the cover by the tea party. they only need to hear the song to know it's true. 240610 ... raze amy lee's cookies are almost impossible to chew. they're delicious, though. you might even say they're capable of bringing a person to life. 240611 ... raze some dogs can't be trained. 240612 ... raze you shouldn't have to deliver your own furniture. 240613 ... raze tourists worried about wandering into an area full of bears are often the very people who unwittingly attract the animals they're trying to avoid. 240614 ... raze just_because wikipedia tells you where someone was born doesn't mean you can predict what accent they'll speak with. 240615 ... raze you'd be surprised how much weight a thumbtack can withstand. 240616 ... raze a solar_eclipse doesn't amount to much when the sun and moon are hidden behind clouds the whole time. 240617 ... raze it's always helpful to fill out a pizza report_card when you're ordering for more than one person. 240618 ... raze the best carrots are grown on a living room floor. 240619 ... raze horses make melancholy house pets. 240620 ... raze not many people know this, but bruce wayne is originally from czechoslovakia. 240621 ... raze a squirrel in the house is worth a jazz song in the head. 240622 ... raze a paint stirring stick won't last very long in a sword fight. 240623 ... raze even in dreams, it's bizarre to see my mother in a good mood. 240624 ... raze when all else fails, you can perform a crude exorcism by hitting the afflicted in the face with a hardbound dictionary. 240625 ... raze squirrels can smell their own kin even through plastic capsules that turn them into tail-shaped pills. 240626 ... raze if you need to take a bathroom break in the middle of a U2 concert, the best time to do it is during "discotheque". 240627 ... raze everyone forgets the colour of their car sooner_or_later. 240628 ... e_o_i J.R.R. Tolkien is a charming dream_guest, except he plagiarizes my mother's songs. 240628 ... raze my left big toe is what makes me god. 240629 ... raze sometimes it's helpful to start talking like cookie monster when you're angry. 240630 ... e_o_i I accept the weirdness of my dream_family and then dream_blather, but disappointment lurks before wakefulness: See, I won't get served at a dream_bubble_tea place if I confuse smoothies with slushies. 240630 ... raze paul mccartney only ever worked in two recording studios after the_beatles broke up, and one of them was in scotland. 240701 ... raze a hippo in a high_school dance class is just like a dog. 240702 ... e_o_i I'm not likely to accept my mom's assertion that a chicken-like bird I found wandering the backyard is a cross between a mouse and a bat (see dream_animal). And I'll give it milk when she tells me not to. 240702 ... raze my main concern in prison isn't the other inmates or the length of my sentence, but not knowing if i'll have internet access so i can continue to blathe. 240703 ... raze this city has somehow found a way to justify spending ten million dollars having a single water fountain installed at a public park, and yet they still can't figure out how to feed the homeless. 240704 ... raze some skunks are panthers in disguise. 240705 ... raze yoko ono is secretly from texas, but her true accent is only revealed when she takes off her glasses. 240706 ... raze no portrait anyone draws of me truly reflects the nature of my facial_hair. 240707 ... raze when she's moonlighting as my backup singer, sharon_van_etten always sings a lower harmony than i expect her to, but it works. 240708 ... raze sting and chuck berry make strange cinematic bedfellows. 240709 ... raze my stepfather, to the surprise of no one, isn't a very effective security guard. 240710 ... raze there's an equation that can calculate how long you're going to live. the best part is the math does all the work. you just feed it a few numbers and watch it go to work. 240711 ... raze a lip-reading contest is really just an excuse for unknown writers to read their short_stories on the radio. and that's not necessarily a bad thing. 240712 ... e_o_i It's Montreal - of course there's snow in July. 240712 ... e_o_i Flying is still a good dream_exercise. 240713 ... raze you can make an argument more interesting by limiting your comments to the titles of beatles songs. 240714 ... raze my stepfather has no idea what to do with a couple of steaks when everyone else in the house is asleep. 240715 ... e_o_i Dream_gambling is easy - you just fly to Chile and roll dice. 240716 ... raze a bibliomat is a floor_mat that's very passionate about reading. 240717 ... raze when you're arresting someone who's known to be violent, it probably isn't wise to honour their request for a loaded gun, even if they promise to fire into the air and insist they only want to punch up the moment with a bit of false excitement. 240718 ... raze the tricky thing about listening to an eight-hour interactive album that demands an empty auditorium isn't finding a suitable space or even setting aside that amount of time, but hoping the necessary ghosts will show up to complete the experience. 240719 ... raze you shouldn't leave a vintage guitar on top of a tv. someone might sell the instrument, operating under the assumption that they're doing you a favour. 240720 ... raze the details of your life get a little twisted when emails become wikipedia articles. 240721 ... raze there are three versions of "holiday" on madonna's debut album, and only one of them is a remix. 240722 ... raze it becomes much more difficult to sing "born to run" when you're biting the hand of the man who wrote the song. 240723 ... raze they're doing this new thing at high schools now. instead of stationary stairs, they've got cat escalators. you get to rest your legs *and* you get a free companion animal. it's pretty great. 240724 ... Soma The stands of flowers and dried grasses at the grocery store hide a multitude of sins. 240724 ... raze some people turn to facebook poetry when they're drunk and lonely. 240725 ... raze change_one_letter and janet frame becomes janet frane: a shy biographer who's a dead_ringer for kate mckinnon. 240726 ... raze when you win a few million dollars at the casino, there's this whole convoluted process where you have to convert your tokens into gold, your gold into cash, your cash into a cheque. and then there's the bank to deal with. 240727 ... raze when words fail, sometimes gifs are the only appropriate form of communication. 240728 ... raze having to use walnuts instead of a basketball makes it a whole lot harder to shoot free throws in an important basketball game. 240729 ... raze if a pedal_steel guitar is cheap enough, you have to buy the thing. it's one of the unwritten laws of the universe. 240730 ... raze in the third sam raimi "spider-man" film, peter parker's symbiote-enhanced suit even makes him cruel to animals. and that's just not right. 240731 ... raze here's the real reason the cops can't ever seem to show up at my house in time to stop a crime from being committed: they don't understand the difference between a street and an avenue. 240801 ... raze a bathroom isn't the best place to keep an upright piano. 240802 ... raze there's a new designer drug called death. it's the best buzz you'll ever have. it'll also kill you, but hey, you can't say you don't know what you're getting into. it's right there in the name. 240803 ... raze "djenk" is short for "djenkard" — a fictional city that serves as the unstated setting for many of samanta schweblin's books. 240804 ... raze when making your final stand against an unseen enemy, it never hurts to have a disembodied floating mouth made of dirt on your side. 240805 ... raze i'm surprised to learn i don't have many clothing store related regrets. 240806 ... e_o_i If you toss someone a severed arm and say "Happy Birthday," they might be more disturbed by the fact that it's not their birthday (see dream_conversations). 240806 ... e_o_i If you toss someone a severed arm and say "Happy Birthday," they might be more disturbed by the fact that it's not their birthday (see dream_conversations). 240806 ... raze singing opera to a cat is a good way to get some attention. 240807 ... raze the people who live inside my piano are always thirsty. 240808 ... raze when you're in a restaurant in a another_country and you don't understand the currency any better than you understand the language being spoken, here is how you pay for your meal: you guess at the amount you owe and try to account for a tip. if your server smiles, you've probably overpaid. if they react with anger, you've shortchanged them. 240809 ... raze a holiday handshake is more sincere when you use your weaker hand. 240810 ... raze the kind of care you get at a hospital has everything to do with your level of success as a television actor. 240811 ... raze despite the dismal reviews, "trail of the pink panther" is the first truly meta film, in which chief inspector clouseau encounters an alternate version of himself only capable of parroting dialogue from previous installments in the franchise. the script finds a poetic way to reconcile these two realities, "perhaps because the french don't sense an angry taste in the mouth, but a unique taste in the mind." 240812 ... raze it's much easier to scrape gum off the bottom of your shoe when you aren't a literal gumshoe. 240813 ... raze clocks can be real jerks sometimes. 240814 ... raze it's better to use your true voice in an exchange with a stranger than to cut out half the words you want to say in an effort to be understood. 240815 ... raze the two raymond_carver stories no one ever talks about are "drummer" and "to be involved with a plant". 240816 ... raze the deaf member of a criminal enterprise is always the last one standing. 240817 ... raze A&W french fries are better than i remember them being. 240818 ... raze any film directed by robert de niro can be immediately identified by the way he lights and shoots guitars. 240819 ... raze the trickiest thing about being a chef-waiter isn't juggling the duties of both jobs, but making sure a customer's martini is prepared to their exacting specifications. 240820 ... raze a hardwood floor is just a jigsaw puzzle someone else put together. 240821 ... raze one of the perks of being left-handed is that you're always in focus no matter how you're photographed. 240822 ... raze crumbling bread invents dysfunctional families. 240823 ... raze when david_milch teaches a high_school english class, there's an awful lot of food involved. 240824 ... raze a bank card is not an acceptable substitute for a new_health_card. 240825 ... e_o_i A dream_rejection from a university will be surprisingly personal: you'll get a thorough evisceration of everything you wrote in your application. 240825 ... raze no one knows how to scale a flagpole in a swimming pool. 240826 ... raze there's a fine line between walking backwards and slow dancing with a stranger. 240827 ... raze imitating alan rickman at a new cafe could have disastrous results. 240828 ... raze even cotton swabs can accumulate rust when left outside for too long. 240829 ... raze personal emails now arrive disguised as spam, complete with suspicious attachments. 240830 ... raze don't piss on other people's property unless you want to be questioned by the police after the fact. urine analysis has come a long way. it's right up there with dna tracking now. 240831 ... raze a lava lamp is the best muse money can buy. 240901 ... raze some people can pick up the properties of juices they haven't consumed just by being around them. 240902 ... e_o_i When you look for a job, you only get gig work...like when the organizer of a club called Landmark Atheists hires you to embroider constellations on cloth and/or teach all the club members how to do that (dream_club, dream_crafts). 240902 ... raze of all the methods of getting a computer to reboot after a power outage, sitting on it must be one of the least effective. 240903 ... raze be careful when improvising a song about the new town you're living in. you never know who might be listening or how they might react if they find the lyrics offensive. 240904 ... raze swinging a baseball bat while walking around downtown isn't the best way to keep a low profile when you're a fugitive from justice. 240905 ... raze there will always be gaps in a conversation that appears as typed text as it's being spoken. 240906 ... raze there's some pretty snazzy jewelry in the mick jagger collection. 240907 ... raze in the pantheon of mixed_drinks, vinegar cut with coke sits somewhere near the bottom of the heap. 240908 ... raze no superhero can fight on an empty stomach. 240909 ... raze a half-healed gunshot wound can really spice up your sex life. just ask tobey maguire. 240910 ... raze some guitars are more comfortable to play when they're falling apart. 240911 ... raze a foam rubber sword is surprisingly useful on the battlefield. 240912 ... raze a window air_conditioner is only as good as the humidity at its back. stick it in a cupboard and it's nothing but an overpriced fan. 240913 ... Soma bide your time and all will be well. You will find a way, even as the world comes crashing down around you. 240913 ... raze it probably isn't the best idea to sing "amazing grace" in a crazed falsetto voice when a group of secret agents are meeting to discuss their next move. 240914 ... raze when you're unarmed and being threatened by a vampire, it helps to have christopher cross with you. after all, the weapon you need is right there in his name. 240915 ... raze all the best memoirs have dioramas inside. 240916 ... raze kissing is like riding a bike. even when the handlebars hurt your hands, you can still find a way to get where you want to go. 240917 ... raze the best way to slow my stepfather down when he means to do me harm is to bite his nose. 240918 ... raze hotel housekeeping staff always act like they've walked in on you naked when they catch you wearing boxer pants. 240919 ... raze i was sure catherine keener was in "death to smoochy", but apparently it was anjelica huston all along. 240920 ... raze shadows only speak in cryptic epigrams. 240921 ... raze running backwards becomes more difficult when you're simultaneously trying to convince someone not to get married. 240922 ... raze some prison guards are kind enough to provide you with enough batteries to keep your discman running. 240923 ... Soma If you want to time-travel, you’d better have pre-loaded songs from each era into your Time Machine so you can get where you belong. 240923 ... raze there's no such thing as an honest uncle charlie. 240924 ... raze you_never_know what a handshake might lead to. especially when the person whose hand you're shaking looks just like paul reiser. 240925 ... raze wasp's milk was once a rare, sought-after elixir. now everyone's drinking it. 240926 ... raze having dessert before dinner can be justified when testing the durability of ancient chocolate. 240927 ... raze it's a strange feeling when you realize a character in an animated tv show has handwriting that's identical to yours. 240928 ... raze the real test of a digital piano is the strength of its harpsichord sound. 240929 ... raze in the near future, traffic lights will be altered to such an extent that what was once a ten-minute drive will take three hours to complete. 240930 ... raze coming back from a career-ending injury isn't so arduous when you're competing in a grade school gymnasium. 241001 ... raze tim hortons restaurants, like waterfalls, are everywhere. they're the way stations of our world. 241002 ... raze not all teachers want to hear from their former students. some just want to be left alone. 241003 ... raze desperation brings out the fluent french speaker in me — a secret segment of my psyche that's otherwise inaccessible. 241004 ... raze when pedestal fans become people, they go on blowing even after they've been unplugged as a way of proving their sentience. 241005 ... raze all estranged relatives are surprisingly friendly when you find them in a department store. 241006 ... raze my landlord will never stop inventing new ways to screw up my life. 241007 ... raze ariana grande and i both agree we aren't marriage material, but she appreciates my dress sense and tact, even if her father doesn't approve of me because i don't own a car. 241008 ... raze you need to take a picture when you find mandy moore casually hanging out in the middle of your driveway. otherwise no one will believe you when you tell them a former teenage pop star showed up at your house unannounced. 241009 ... e_o_i Dream_Tunisia is just underneath the table that is Canada. 241009 ... Soma You never dream about the people you want to dream about. 241009 ... raze in the absence of slippers or shoes to keep your feet dry in the rain, a pair of plastic bags will do just fine. 241010 ... raze crickets make very affectionate pets. 241011 ... raze reading too much raymond_carver can drain your energy. 241012 ... raze if you're trying to magnetize a space heater, a dishrag isn't the best tool to get the job done. 241013 ... raze how you'll fare in a forest fight comes down to your ability to chew through wood. 241014 ... raze one must never attempt to ride a squirrel like a horse. not because of the danger to the squirrel, but because it simply isn't good form. 241015 ... raze the most authentic conversations about art are those in which "artist" is the only word employed. 241016 ... raze tea that's ignored for long enough turns into milk. 241017 ... raze cats prefer gender-neutral names. 241018 ... raze i don't make a very good al pacino. then again, at this point, neither does al pacino. 241019 ... raze a flashlight will help you see in the dark, but it's a pretty ineffective weapon against fog in the milk-white light of day. 241020 ... raze it's strange how jarring a smiley_face drawn on the back of a test can be when it's coming from a teacher who never smiles at or about anything. 241021 ... raze if you insist on eating at the same restaurant every time you have a date, you're bound to get sick of the menu sooner_or_later. 241022 ... raze when i'm sent back in time to the 1960s, air conditioning doesn't exist, and the only cool place in town (weather-wise, at least) is a pool hall far from home. 241023 ... e_o_i When_in_Rome, get lost and kiss strangers, says dream_travel. 241023 ... raze you_never_know when a bench wig might come in handy. 241024 ... raze i'm all for trying new things, but blathing in the bathtub might not be the best idea i've ever had. 241025 ... raze when washing your face in a public restroom, it's wise to wear a bathrobe so you'll have something to dry off with. a sleeve is as good as a towel in a pinch. 241026 ... raze the wind will always be the noisiest thing i know. 241027 ... raze celebrity chef gordon ramsay has a new reality show that has nothing to do with food. all he does is walk around meeting different stray cats. it's a pretty solid hour of television. 241028 ... raze the most visually appealing gloves are always the ones that don't quite fit. 241029 ... raze the problem with paying for a gun with salami instead of paper money is you won't have enough left over to make yourself a decent sandwich for lunch. 241030 ... rubydee if you build it they will come and tear it down . 241030 ... raze it's easy to figure out how to steer a kayak. slowing down is a different story. 241031 ... raze a fashion showdown between two random celebrities is almost off-putting enough to make me an instant hockey fan. 241101 ... raze the neighbour i respect the least is a predictably awful creative writing teacher. 241102 ... raze it's never a bad time to watch a documentary about siberian squirrels. 241103 ... raze spaghetti is always the best culinary homecoming. 241104 ... raze waiters who never speak tend to make you feel like you're doing something wrong even when you're only trying to order a meal. 241105 ... raze good neighbours don't let their nocturnal roosters crow after midnight. 241106 ... raze it isn't possible to determine how much caffeine there is in carbonated coconut water. and that's just wrong. 241107 ... e_o_i Whenever you mention a city or town, someone who's lived there will appear on the scene to correct your jokes or misconceptions about it. (re today's blatherskite_dreams) 241107 ... raze the lowest-scoring basketball game of all time was played by two teams that have been described as "having just read the instruction manual without understanding a word of it". the final score was 12-10. 241108 ... raze it's hard to hear yourself speak over the sound of someone's body being ground down to dust. 241109 ... raze being the little spoon isn't all it's cracked up to be when you're trying to sleep and the big spoon won't stop talking about numbers. 241110 ... raze the law of diminishing returns applies to most sequels, but not to "sex island 2: return to sex island", which is superior to the original "sex island" in every way. 241111 ... raze the curse of being a screenwriter who slips the truth of your life into your work is always waiting for some studio executive to question the veracity of something that really happened. 241112 ... raze caller_id isn't very useful when random months go missing. 241113 ... raze someone stealing my high_school locker makes me angrier than it probably should. 241114 what's it to you? who go blather from