worry DammitJanet so i get a call from puerto rico this morning. the phone rang and i really didn't feel like answering it. i rolled over and looked at the call display, and saw it was a puerto rico number i've never seen. i'm a little confused as to where exactly it is that my parents are calling me from, so i pick it up. i say hello and a lady answers back with a strong accent. but the answering machine kicks in and after the long greeting i continue my conversation but there's no longer someone at the other end. so okay, it wasn't my parents. who the hell else would call? so i write down the number and call it back. all i heard was a spanish message that ran so fast i couldn't catch one word, not that i'd fully understand it anyways. i figured it was nothing but i had a nagging thought that something was wrong. i hadn't spoken to my parents in 2 days, and my dad never answered that important email even though he checks every day. so i start calling all the numbers i know. no answer at the house where my dad almost always is. no answer at the office where my mom almost always is. so i start to panic. something's wrong. the lady trying to call was going to tell me something awful had happened. and all i get is a spanish message i can't decifer. so i run down the stairs to the office to look up the cell phone number. it took me 3 tries to dial it, i kept hitting the wrong keys. finally i get through and i hear my dad's voice "well just answer it then, i don't know who it is", then i hear my mom's "well what if it's the office? oh it's already on... HELLO???" i almost cried i was so relieved, but i couldn't tell them that. i just asked how they were, what they were up to. did you get my important email? my mom told me they were in san juan waiting for people to arrive. they took some pictures with my forgotten camera. they're going out for dinner tonite. i said i should go, told them i loved them and i'd talk to them later. i always worry so much that something will happen to them on that island i can't get to in less than 10 hours travel time. and here i am always scolding them if they worry about me. why should they? i live with 2 other people, we take excellent care of eachother, and i'm at home. what could possibly happen? but then i realize they're pretty much thinking the same thing. so i'll just have to continue to worry. 030130 ... Bespeckled Ever worry that what you fear people's wrong impressions of you, are beginning to become who you really are? 050101 ... no reason a lot of this can come from thinking that if you're always aware of or worrying about things, you will somehow prevent yourself from being surprised in the event that these worries should actually manifest themselves. what is not thought about often enough, though, is: 1) how likely is it that these worries will occur? 2) if they do occur (whether to a minor or major degree), and you're not expecting them, does that mean you'll be unable to handle them? should you be considered a bad person if you make a mistake? sometimes i need to think these thoughts to bring myself back to reality. to give myself more credit. to live in the present. to let go. to be easier on myself, even if others aren't (because who knows what goes on in others' heads? and realistically, even if they're unimpressed about something, are they really thinking about/judging you all the time? most likely not. and if they are, that's pretty sad). people are human. we make mistakes. and sometimes the way you perceive yourself is not at all how you're perceived, and even if it is, should it matter? that said, it's sometimes hard for it not to matter, especially with people close to you. but it usually takes more than one comment/incident/setback (barring something extreme, like murder) for an important person to change their opinion of you. things aren't all about me/you/him/her, no man is an island/blah blah. hopefully this babbling could help others too? 131127 ... nr the "should you be considered a bad person if you make a mistake?" comment refers to a worry that you will do or have done something wrong. 131127 ... epitome of incomprehensibility One of my friends hasn't talked to me for a while and I don't know why. It seems unusual for her. Sure, she could still be out of town, but I emailed her as well as called, and I don't want to do that again for fear I'd just be pestering her. Maybe it's paranoia but I'm afraid I've done something that made her mad at me. Calling her at work? Being whiny? but not that much of either, and not recently. I need to get on with my writing but silly things are worrying me. I wish I could just be upfront with how I feel. But then she'd think I was whiny and insecure again. I'm not, not as much as I used to be, but I'm whiny and insecure about this. Right now. Which may not have anything to do with me at all. 140928 ... e_o_i Oh, of all the silly things. She's at a conference. Yay for Twitter stalking? 140928 ... e_o_i Ah well, I'll find something else to worry about soon enough. 140928 ... nr leads to three nights in a row of not enough sleep. which isn't fun normally, but even less fun when you're away from your home country, and it's the holidays, meaning no access to doctors or drugs or therapists or friends who have time to talk with you about what's troubling you. and family who doesn't really understand and doesn't want to bother with you and is too busy enjoy their holidays with each other. 161225 ... tender_square “i keep thinking, during the separation, do i message his sister and let her know? i’m worried he’s not going to tell anyone when he could really use support.” “i think that’s something you can say to him,” her therapist said. “to illustrate the ways in which you feel responsible for him and his well-being. you could ask, ‘do you want me to do this on your behalf so it’s easier to facilitate a conversation with her?’ but no, i would not go ahead and do that without talking to him first.” 220902 ... nr i worry i do this too much 221118 ... tender_square he didn't want her staying in the house. he'd worked with addicts before; one pulled a knife on him once in a hallway before leaving the halfway house. "get out before it gets dark, stay with your parents," he reasoned. she wanted to remain, to defend her property, to make detailed notes of what was happening for proof the landlord and tenant board. she felt like such an idiot for being tricked, for making her neighbours feel less safe. the apartment was quiet when she left. she thought maybe the tenant had crashed after a hyper high. when she reached her vehicle with her overnight bags, she realized the reason for the silence was that the tenant wasn't there. 230402 what's it to you? who go blather from