waiting arinna the waves are counting down the moments for thirteen days. each is stretching far too long, leaving time to wonder if i'm imagining impending change and to forget what was so important to say before i leave. 010722 ... psychobabe i'm waiting here. Waiting for you to wake up and see me or talk to me. When are you going to come and save me from this hell i'm in? Last night was so rough. Tireing. Depressing. And i dont know why. It wasnt your fault it wasnt mine, I just felt the way i did cuz its me. I fear to soon that these periodical swings of depression are comeing back and things might get fucked up like before. But no one understands really. Its sad. No one can truly say they know me...which makes me sound like a total bitch. I can honestly say probably 2 people know me for me. One thats known me since the 2nd grade, and another one. Its not depressing at all to know that tho, they care about me and all its just sometimes that hole of emptiness gets bigger and bigger and just caves everything into it. *sigh* maybe its just another one of my bad days 011121 ... spoons "Im waiting for blood to flow to my fingers, Ill be all right when my hands get warm Ignoring the phone, Id rather say nothing. Id rather youd never heard my voice. Your calling too late, too late to be gracious and you do not warrant long good-byes. You're calling too late..." dashboard_confessional 020305 ... silentbob oh andrea 020313 ... bespeckled Again you turn me over, lightly, quietly between your palms, purring sweet sentiments. You gaze intently, a hint of pink tongue pushing from between flushed lips momentarily reveals your craving, yearning, patient longing ... Patient waiting. Quietly,intently, following my every move and thought, action and intention, hungry eyes devour my image, while eager fingers paw fitfully at your side. You bide your time, toying with my confidence between your yielding palms. So gentle, so comforting, so safe ... ... like floating on the waves of feathers ... You bide your time as your lips spread into a feline grin, and your eyes flash with zeal. 021101 ... kerry my back to you, i hear your pencil tracing something on your paper brushing smooth little strokes i remember that one time i heard you drawing and i turned around and you were drawing me and how i was embarrassed but so flattered at the same time you looked up eyes flickering and sort of smiled at me and i halfgrinned and turned back around so you wouldn't see me blush but you never finished the drawing and i wonder where it is now so i wait and i dream of kissing you and it kills me when she talks about how good you look without your shirt she doesn't have any idea and i don't have any idea what i'm waiting around for 021102 ... celestial waiting so patiently but the distance between us is slowly slowly painfully bringing me to my death and i wonder how much longer can i be strong? 021103 ... belly fire You lose track of the hours The days The seasons even Because the magic of the hallways weaves into you The music of the call buttons Machines Voices that lose meaning in the sense of words They gather together in tight cliques And are lost to everything but the din If you listen you will hear the subtle melody Find the pattern inside the chaos of the bodies moving past you And toward you (sign here sign here) You forget the weather outside The light of day replaced with fluorescent ward lighting Still more people with faces dragging down with a common gravity of pain and fear Come pouring in Filling beds I sit by your semi-private bedside Ignoring the visiting hour schedule and the bitchy ward nurse Hearing the music: Monitor Plus machine Plus radiator Plus call buttons Seeing patterns where I knit my anxiety into each stitch of this scarf As your fever burns And your I.V drips the chill into your veins I watch you sleep away doses of Gravol And open your thick eyelids to eyes glazed over with Demorol There is no modesty left to take You who are so suppine with infection What day is it? The 3rd day I slept with my eyes open watching you breathe when you weren't looking Be well Oh, God Be well If I could will only this one thing into reality I would use up every part of myself in so doing If there is healing to be found in the small comforts of my company then I can never go I will learn to sleep standing up pressing cool cloths to your face. 030304 ... jinx for June. 030305 ... jinx for a response Are you still breathing, or did I kill you? 030306 ... fido Please, please! I just can't take it anymore! My heart is on the ground bleeding all over the place. Look! Don't you see? It's all over the blue carpet! I can't take this endless whirring. It's so hard; so very, very hard. My soul! my agony! my serendipity! O my sweet microwavable pot pie, won't you finish twirling? 030306 ... tessa And I find myself in the emergency ward waiting room numb and vacant The message ENJOY ONE OF OUR FINE SNACK PRODUCTS flashes on the snack machine overweight elvis impersonater dances away on the TV overhead What a scary place this is strange and various I think: how many people have died in this room? Does that make it a bad place or a real place? And I think: how do you remember to keep yourself alive? Then I remember all the things I wanted to do and I wonder why I'm sitting here waiting Don't they realise my emergency can't wait? 040630 ... nonlucid waiting for my hair to dry, i stare at the ceiling (or would if i could move my head) and contemplate the nature of time - moving so slowly sometimes, and so quickly when you want the moment to last forever (it never does) but it always ends, whether you want it to or not, nothing ever lasts forever (only existing within our perception, and we are nothing if not transient) the pain will end, sooner or later (always later) and in the end it will be over and perhaps one day you'll forget but that doesn't help much now 040630 ... notme .......for godot "Ah stop blathering and help me off with this bloody thing." 040630 ... notme ... VLADIMIR: (sure of himself). Good. We weren't here yesterday evening. Now what did we do yesterday evening? ESTRAGON: Do? VLADIMIR: Try and remember. ESTRAGON: Do . . . I suppose we blathered. VLADIMIR: (controlling himself). About what? ESTRAGON: Oh . . . this and that I suppose, nothing in particular. (With assurance.) Yes, now I remember, yesterday evening we spent blathering about nothing in particular. That's been going on now for half a century. VLADIMIR: You don't remember any fact, any circumstance? ESTRAGON: (weary). Don't torment me, Didi. VLADIMIR: The sun. The moon. Do you not remember? ESTRAGON: They must have been there, as usual. VLADIMIR: You didn't notice anything out of the ordinary? ESTRAGON: Alas! ... 040630 ... flux one step off from wanting. 040630 ... u24 I, Am Pozzo. 040701 ... u24 I saw waiting for godot at the theater a while ago. t'was good. 040701 ... Bob Marley and the Wailers http://blather.newdream.net/w/waiting_in_vain.html 040702 ... DaMon. Oh Red! I just discovered it. I had wished it! All my wishes come true. A.L.L. :) 040703 ... somenom for tomorrow 050526 ... piercedjenny to become to be to realize i am happy with who i am 050526 ... somenom for the light to change 050526 ... Sonya ...to tell you what I really think. You're a monster in sheep's clothing, only worse. Your wool stinks of lies. 050527 ... bb35 is sitting around waiting for an e-mail just as pathetic as waiting for the phone to ring? 060326 ... nom to find out 061016 ... mick jagger well, like a withered stone fears will pierce your bones you'll find out 061016 ... nom i'm still waiting 061017 ... nom it was actually a mick i was waiting to hear from he never got back to me 061029 ... nom everything is waiting 061202 ... two waiting for something that will never come back, I suppose. on the bright side, that means I'm a pretty loyal person. that has to count for something, right? one year down, x to go. 061203 ... Playmaker I just can't look - it's killing me. 061203 ... prue that change in your breathing means you are finally asleep, not just sleeping I'll creep out of bed and feel the chill take over as I leave all my body heat under the sheets with you 070411 ... tessa i'm waiting again waiting for me this time waiting to leave waiting till i've saved up enough money waiting till i've finished my thesis waiting till i'm reading this part of my life doesn't count its not real its not happening its life in waiting 070513 ... past setting up something new, that originally would have already been passed (probably giving me much to write about in these red and blue seas of words), but instead i'm waiting rather restlessly for it to begin, almost a week away, but closer by the day. it doesn't hurt to try, eh? 090510 ... unhinged pieces of me when we played shostakovich together when my brother was 17 long before unhinged_in_honolulu long before you were married ( that was a long ass time ago) back_then 090510 ... unhinged for who i thought i'd be by now 090510 ... gja No matter how short you tell me; it always feels too long. 110926 ... gla impatient 110926 ... no reason is the worst "good things come to those who wait" is the most frustrating and inaccurate claim ever 130315 ... Risen I wait for her, and write haiku. My tongue is stutter stuck. The air above my head writhes with all I do not say. She says it isn't that hard for her to resist, and my heart sinks, until her fingers are in my hair. Such pleasant waiting In the happy knowledge that She is nearing me She is showering So close, and so far. I wish I was the water. God how I love her. 130316 ... unhinged is a waste of time 130704 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Am I waiting, or am I doing things? How can I do both? 130704 ... no reason ugh. unreturned texts and emails from you are the worst, especially when you've always been so good with that in the past. it all makes me wonder and worry about things and whether they've changed. blerg. 140802 ... unhinged i need to be done waiting and start doing 140802 ... unhinged 'you don't need another person to complete you' is such a fucking lie. 'it will happen when it's meant to be' is not a comfort. i am tired of waiting. but the impatience doesn't pay out. i am tired of 'friends' telling me i am so great and i deserve better. karma begs to differ. my heart leaps without looking. my heart is suspended in the formaldehyde of distrust and uncertainty. i try to find a pattern. i try to find a way out. all signs point to abandoning any and all efforts and investing them in something more worth while. i try to convince myself that that is true. most days i almost believe it. then, tears come back during my shamatha practice. my heart is alone. and miserable. 150611 what's it to you? who go blather from