past birdmad we look backward into it, idealizing it soft-focused nostalgia, viewed through a misty lens. 010129 ... misstree a box full of treasures 010129 ... chanaka leave it alone 010129 ... silentbob don't let it consume you. learn from it, then grow strong from the pain. 010129 ... twiggie focusing too much on this... i can acknowledge that, i know that, but i'm having a hard time changing that. i don't want to live in the past. 010130 ... silentbob then live in the present. it's quite nice with wrapping paper and ribbons and a tag that says who it's to. 010130 ... unhinged i keep thinking of it lately. small and trivial memories keep coming to the top of my mind. the way the cold air smelled as we where driving through sharon on a clear cold night for one reason or another. the number of times i cried on that same road because of you. the way our only perfect night was. you. small and trivial. past. you. i didn't want to be another person that you could blame for the way you are. but the expectation of 'bashing and fabrications' made me realize that there is no hope. lies...i never told you lies. why would i tell them to myself? and if you find this some day and read it too, i won't care. the other journal was embarassing because i know you laugh at emotions because you profess not to have any. but i know that is a lie. how many times have you projected your faults on to me dear? now there are no new beginnings only the end. 010323 ... soia I can see now how hard it must have been for him staying with me, not just recently, but for a long time. In the beginning, it didn't seem to matter, like "oh of course we have low self esteem". But then it became the source of most everything that went wrong. Being on hormones never helped much either, having days where I just felt bad, and had no reason why, but couldn't stop it. I can see the differences now. He would be happy for me if I went out and had fun with my friends and I would be jealous if he did the same. He always tried to help me see the good in myself, but I could never see it. But I tried to make things better, by preventing conflicts, and I guess it worked pretty well, and we became happy, but there was still something missing. And there was still a part of me that felt like I didn't even deserve to have him. And so I destroyed things. I didn't really sit down and think "now if I do this, things will get better". I didn't understand at the time why I did it at all. So there we were after that. I convinced him that we should stay together. I tried to make things better again. But again it was like bailing water out of a sinking ship. If I was dilligent, I could keep the ship afloat but there would be no solution until I plugged the hole. Then my worst fear in life came true. Then it made me find the hole and fix it. Then I was alone in my ship. I don't know what will happen. I guess I have to understand that it was just too much for him, and that he doesn't want to try again, regardless of if I have changed, and that he may never forgive me for hurting him. But I know that I miss having him in my life, as a friend and more. I guess I could deal with having him as just a friend. It hasn't been tried before. It would be strange at first. If he even wants to. I don't know where he's at or what he's thinking. Whatever happens, I know I can deal with it. 010330 ... dean-bean What's done is done, yeah? It can't be changed, no matter how nice it would be. Gotta be focused. On the now. Or else get lost in the twisty-turns. The heart of light. The silence. 010330 ... auburn I thought about you no more than three minutes ago. Then in a separate thought I came to blather. There you were. 121220 ... past i don't think we can ever leave eachother for long, despite the many and varyingly lengthed spaces between. happy christmas. 121222 ... leif I think of you every September. Would you know that people are calling me Meg now? You were the first. Happy New Year. 130102 ... raze in reference to "casual sexism" on blue — good on you. you should be proud. not a lot of people have the courage to stand up to that kind of stupidity and put it in its place. 130616 ... past Thank you raze. I was surprised with myself (and so were my friends, by the looks on their faces). Confrontation isn't my game. 130617 ... raze just wanted to stop in here to say how much i appreciate what you've been writing. "emergence", "false_thaw", and the evolving "taxonomies_of_snow" have all made marks i don't think will fade anytime soon. i'm glad you're here. 220224 what's it to you? who go blather from