good silentbob nothing 010219 ... birdmad ...will ever come of it" 010220 ... blue star where did it go? 020118 ... jinx vs. evil 020303 ... Webley riddence 020521 ... charlie brown Grief. 020522 ... lulie for nothing. 020522 ... Q Despite the cold, it's good that you went and to such an amazing place. 021103 ... mcdougall One of those words that can have lots of synonyms. I had and english teacher once that didn't want the his students to use this word. He would say, "Be more expressive". 030114 ... Heffable Horralump She was good as cooks go. And as cooks go, she went. 031215 ... tender_square it took me three years to work up the courage to cut the tags off and wear the damn thing. the bold tangerine tone caught my eye, and the simplicity of the bathing suit’s design. on a whim, i checked out my virtual old navy cart—it didn’t cost that much if i ultimately decided it wasn’t right for me. i hadn’t owned a string bikini since my early twenties; my prior one was a baby blue number with lime green polka dots that i wore sometimes when i felt alright about my body. over the years, i’d taken to one-piece suits or bikini’s with higher-waisted bottoms to give a 60s look that was better for my frame. my three sisters have always been rail thin; my curves, in comparison, made me self-conscious when got together for backyard gatherings in our parent’s pool. my sisters all had flat stomachs, whereas i’ve never shed my little belly cooler (it’s where i keep my six-pack). i have bigger thighs than three of theirs combined (i got the bigger rack though, so maybe things even out). this summer i said fuck it. i’ve reached a point in my life where i realize my body will not look this way forever—i may as well accept it graciously and get as much enjoyment out of it as i can before i turn to a shrunken raisin. who cares if i have cellulite? so what if there’s bolts of purple lightning on my pale legs? i wore my new string bikini to lake michigan this summer and felt like a million bucks on the beach. was it a little skimpy? probably. was i too old to be trying for such a look? maybe. but i was tired of second-guessing myself. it was a delicious risk. last week, i opted for the tangerine two piece again. michael and i were heading out to oasis hot tub gardens in honor of the full moon and i wanted to see if i felt the same way about my body as i did over summer. could the intensive work i’d been doing with creativity and self-acceptance have shifted something within me? when i saw myself wearing the bikini in the full-length mirror, i felt more secure than i had in august. so much more in fact, that i didn’t even move to cover myself up with my clothing right away since it was warm in the house; i stood in my bathing suit brushing my teeth and sat at my vanity to do my skincare regimen before michael and i were set to leave. michael was already dressed in his red swim trunks and a grey t-shirt, waiting but distracted. he was upset about how the cdc was handing booster shots for covid; they had announced that were ready to vaccinate those 40 and up because their efforts are still focused on getting first shots to the vaccine-averse. he railed against the scientists for a while, “they’re not politicians,” he sighed. i gazed at him through my vanity’s mirror. “you look really nice, y’know,” i told him. red is his power color. and lately his eyes have more light in them than i’ve seen in years; he’s gradually coming into his own again, which radiates whenever that happens. (“why do women only approach you when you’re in a good place, when you could really use the attention when you’re down in the dumps?” he wondered aloud later as we soaked in our rented tub.) i didn’t compliment michael for it to be reciprocal. but maybe i’m a vain woman to admit that i was bothered that i had been prancing about the house for a good ten minutes without even a second look from him. after a while i asked, “do you see anything you like?” i hated that i was fishing for a compliment. it was like he suddenly woke up. “yes. you look good,” he said. “i’m sorry; i’m so distracted by what’s going on in the world out there.” he was standing by his side of the bed. i rose from my vanity, and faced him from my side of the bed. “yeah, but you and me are a world, too,” i said, creating circles in the air with my hands to show that there was a relationship between us. i pulled my clothes over my suit, picked up my tote bag, and we left. 211025 what's it to you? who go blather from