without amy i was reading in a new age book (i figure if the archangels are talking i should give a listen, at the very least) that there are now children being born without karma. and i was like, oh man, i want to be without karma. but that's just escapist fantasy. to be fair, though, it doesn't mean that people can't become like children again, transforming to a point beyond bullshit. well, maybe. i don't know. instead, i bring out plenty of bullshit, all for the sake of knowing better. at a certain point, i know plenty and it's time to move on. 030316 ... belly fire a christmas without a card from Kale a new years without a call from Amy without and yet without loneliness 050105 ... nom i left without saying goodbye 060815 ... amy anthropology someone, someone chosen, special. my parents have always provided me more-than-adequate love. my dad built this individualistic house. That’s stabilizing, however eccentically esoteric. suddenly i asked myself ‘what the holy hell have i been doing with my life lately?’ Although i’d like to have a love of my life, get married, have a place, the whole nine, I also like focusing on self improvement. more efficiently with the right love, but not as precisely or as carefully. I’ve been focusing on self improvement: and I don’t want to choose between it and an ‘us’ . I only had energy for being sick in my 20s and 30s - and now I’m able to focus on some finer points. Maybe i’ll marry when i’m old, but i don’t want to choose now. Codependence is not my cheap deal. But i don’t want to upset y’all who’ve been working hard at dating- you are not prone to these psychoses perhaps born of architecture. I don’t, in my baseline person, desire to look for differences, but i can’t avoid being responsible for bad thinking patterns. No victim. Nope. Skirt that. But there’s i’m okay you’re okay cuz we’re all victims, and if you don’t join in you must be a perpetrator - and you know i’m just trying not to be either. guilt is vanity we try to be neutral but not unresponsive, mean, bourgeouis. Love is vastly important, but i would have to try hard to find something better than my current situation. You’d have to physically save me from it because of my lack of energy. It’s easy and i’m not troubled by being a nobody to anybody and vice versa. The first step is having actual friends, right. Reasonable goals, man. Reasonable goals. They are killin’ you. (And me.) 180613 what's it to you? who go blather from