suit raze i ran from an ugly pile-up. not because i caused the accident. i couldn't cause shit if i wanted to. i don't drive. i just didn't want to see the bodies. i thought about cleaning myself up and heading downtown in a suit and tie. i knew i'd find her in a bar that reminded me of a place i staggered into once or twice so i could get drunker than i already was. she'd been woodshedding. spitting what was left of her soul into her saxophone. she wanted to be able to hang with the other cats who were playing there that night. i thought of amaretto on the rocks. i didn't think about kneeling to puke or pray in a filthy bathroom stall. i didn't think about two people who would never touch me the way i wanted them to. smiling at each other on the dance floor. saying dance with us. come on. dance with us. i didn't change my clothes. i left with what i already had on. i walked through a restaurant i thought she might be working at. a few waitresses felt familiar in the way faces you've never seen start to look like faces you know when you have no idea what you're doing. the one face i didn't see was hers. i thought i remembered asking someone about her once and hearing she wasn't working that day. i didn't know what day that was. i wanted to see her, and i didn't want to see her, and i didn't know if she'd want to see me or how she'd look at me if she did. i imagined her at the end of the sidewalk. happy. i imagined her with ruined skin. the way she looked in that dream where she was on her deathbed, and i told her how sorry i was, and she told me everything was my fault. there was so much love in her voice. it made me want to die too. i thought i'd have to show up every day and luck into running into her somehow. and did i really want that kind of luck? i saw a street sign that said kildare. so i started walking that way. to get back home. by the time i got to ypres there was snow on the ground. i sat on my ass and drove myself forward with my hands. i was a child trying to make myself a car. the real automobiles were beside me, in the middle of the road. i thought i'd find my street if i kept going straight. when i stood up i saw a sign that told me i was on lens avenue. to my right was grand river. that was almost the name of the place she went to disappear. just with a little more water to drown in. i turned around and walked back the way i came, knowing i was too lost to ever find myself on foot. 220928 what's it to you? who go blather from