ugly soia I don't like today. My back hurts. I feel like a big bloated mess. It's 7:30. I have to listen to ochem then run then lift then study then finish failed experiment so I can write a half assed report then go to a review then pretend I can learn in one night what I should have been working on for weeks (for forever and still wouldn't know it). My life is so boring it hurts. 010605 ... Aimee I looked in the mirror this morning and that's what i saw... 010605 ... birdmad i keep to the shadows 010605 ... arinna thoughts reactions fights silence 010605 ... chanaka my callous thoughts. 1. she isn't dead yet. 2. people die every day, and no one cares. if we knew of the deaths of all the people we come in contact with every day, our lives would be saturated with death (more than it already is). i don't really know her, therefore i don't really care that much. i would be sad if she died, but not devastated, like i know he would be. the problem with people who care is that they care for too many people. then they wonder why they are so bitter... 3. if she does die, perhaps that would make him forget about me. maybe it would all be for the best. maybe. 010605 ... nocturnal at work I'm ugly with a capital u and I don't need a mirror to see that it's true -juliana hatfield 010606 ... 0of46 there is something beautiful in everyone, but there is also something ulgy 020726 ... I am Jacks raging vengence there maybe something ugly, but you don't have to put it in an envelope, post mark it, hand it to them, and then tell them it was a joke 020805 ... jolie ugly is the falness and cruelty by the beautiful apon the homely....suddenly the wretched become desirable 030310 ... Mandy everybody's ugly sometimes. 030311 ... anonymouse I just happen to be all the time. 030311 ... uow i've always wished i could become a swan someday 040915 ... anomalous ugly ugly ugly ugly fat fat fat fat stupid 050426 ... anomalous haaaaaaaaaaaTe 050426 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl this is just a phase, like everything else, right? dimpled fatty deposits. blubber to shame a whale. too fat. too ugly. i am not a swan. i am not thin. i am filled inside with overwhelming, bitter envy. jealousy for all those size 8s and 10s and hey, everyone. flaws too painful to even write here. problems to which the only answer is to try and wash them away with ineffective, fat tears. plop plop plop stupid fat tears. ingesting a colourful cocktail of diet pills, caffeine pills and god knows what else. throw in a couple of aspirin for good measure. extracting the thin girl inside might hurt. i look down as myself as i type. all there are are endless, wrenching flaws. my entire body convulses and shudders with self loathing. i look around in wonder at the beauty of others, and the nonchalance with which they carry it. looks shouldn't matter, but you know they do. i really hate this so much. i failed at being anorexic. i failed so badly. it makes me sick to know i can't do anything. i just keep shovelling the e numbers and the calories and the fucking ash that people call food into this eager vehicle of obesity and wonder why i cant wear clothes that all the other girls my age can. perfect teeth perfect hair perfect skin perfect bodies perfect personalities. all individual at the same time. i don't hate you all for having what i so desperately crave. i hate myself for not being able to achieve it. and so that's why i cry and pray for the strength, holding the righteous blade to the taut flesh covering that disgusting fat, i pray so hard to be able to cut it out. vomit it out. excrete it out. anything. but it never comes. i quietly put my salvation down, and close the drawer, containg my trembling will and lack of control. i go downstairs, look in the mirror and comfort eat. 050427 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl this is just a phase, like everything else, right? dimpled fatty deposits. blubber to shame a whale. too fat. too ugly. i am not a swan. i am not thin. i am filled inside with overwhelming, bitter envy. jealousy for all those size 8s and 10s and hey, everyone. flaws too painful to even write here. problems to which the only answer is to try and wash them away with ineffective, fat tears. plop plop plop stupid fat tears. ingesting a colourful cocktail of diet pills, caffeine pills and god knows what else. throw in a couple of aspirin for good measure. extracting the thin girl inside might hurt. i look down as myself as i type. all there are are endless, wrenching flaws. my entire body convulses and shudders with self loathing. i look around in wonder at the beauty of others, and the nonchalance with which they carry it. looks shouldn't matter, but you know they do. i really hate this so much. i failed at being anorexic. i failed so badly. it makes me sick to know i can't do anything. i just keep shovelling the e numbers and the calories and the fucking ash that people call food into this eager vehicle of obesity and wonder why i cant wear clothes that all the other girls my age can. perfect teeth perfect hair perfect skin perfect bodies perfect personalities. all individual at the same time. i don't hate you all for having what i so desperately crave. i hate myself for not being able to achieve it. and so that's why i cry and pray for the strength, holding the righteous blade to the taut flesh covering that disgusting fat, i pray so hard to be able to cut it out. vomit it out. excrete it out. anything. but it never comes. i quietly put my salvation down, and close the drawer, containg my trembling will and lack of control. i go downstairs, look in the mirror and comfort eat. 050427 ... iwishi couldgiveyou a hug my saying this probably doesn't help, but i'm glad you 'failed at being anorexic', because 'successful' anorexics can become quite sick and die as a result of their anorexia i'm sure you are beautiful GiRl 050428 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl damn.....don't you just hate those self pitying blathes..... thanks to the 'iwish icould giveyouahug' person.... i don't have words right now but thanks for writing that. in more lucid moments such as today, i really appreciate it. it cheered me up to see this. 050503 ... silentbob she called herself ugly. it made me feel really bad. 050503 ... birdmad i have always been but the worst part is knowing that the people who might briefly allow me to forget will also be the ones to drive the point home 050504 ... nom i don't always feel ugly 060123 ... nom i'm probably too ugly 060210 ... belly fire I said that I couldn't be insulted... but there is one way. 060526 ... belly fire She has a hateful tongue and, to me, it makes her ugly. Even her compliments are foul. 060601 ... nom i_am_sad 061019 ... nom i can't help it 061202 ... nom ugly uglyme 061217 ... nom the constant battle 070315 ... nom i tried to clean away some of my ugliness and i made myself look worse 070317 ... fix oh ... now love yourself. don't matter if.. your ......... 070318 ... Kite i just wanted to know something.. was the last big brother program a set up? was it real or a trick ? you can learn a lot from that program... but that particular one was addictive... ..so real. so whats the answer ? was it real or a set-up ? 070318 ... nom uglier 070323 ... nom i am not gorgeous 070325 ... nom fat and dowagery 070405 ... nom i don't like my pictures from the show but i don't like most of my pictures i always look weird or sad or just ugly 070415 ... n o m i learned to love myself i thought despite my flaws, or because of them i thought i was my worst critic but now i have heard it all kids on the street last spring in victoria calling me a fatass still bothers me on top of everything else i've heard, about my blemishy skin my buck teeth and the circles under my eyes and my hair. and everything else. about. me. anyway. whatever. 130303 ... n o m maybe i have't heard it all. no i probably haven't. i don't care. 130303 ... raze the media propagates this idea that we're supposed to aspire to a kind of perfection that generally doesn't exist. and perfection is so painfully boring. whenever i catch glimpses of these reality tv shows about the next top model, or "the face", or whatever the shit, i rarely find any of those people attractive. they look fake to me. their personalities don't often do much to work against that, either. i had better skin when i was sixteen than i do now as an "adult". i could probably stand to lose a good twenty or thirty pounds. there's grey in my hair that was never there before, and i've still yet to hit thirty. our flaws make us real. that's the stuff that's going to make someone fall in love with you; the things that are perfectly imperfect about you. you're not ugly. the ugly people are those who derive any amount of pleasure from making anyone else feel less than beautiful. 130304 ... n o m "i learned to love myself... despite my flaws, or because of them" "anyway. whatever. maybe i have't heard it all. no i probably haven't. i don't care." i wasnt saying on 130303 that i was ugly or that i thought i was ugly. i_don't_care_what_you_think is attractive i don't care. 130326 ... raze alright then. sorry for assuming, and sorry for trying to make you feel better. also, "attractive" had nothing to do with you. but thanks for letting me know you don't care. 130326 ... i dont think this was a direct response 130326 ... n o m i didn't say it had anything to do with me. 130326 ... amy in red bono specializes in certain points, one being: the truth, not the lie, of something both harmonious and mean is ugliness. but we all get it twisted. that must be why bono draws a straight line without the aid of a ruler just to provide the countervenom. is what i'm writing beautiful? Not really. is it dissonant? Sorta. Yeah. Whose gonna tame your wild horses? You, Bono, you're good at it, and you are probably the chief of police on the amy employment racket. RIP the Peace Museum.... better? 160314 ... insouciant Weren’t you all marked by stars? My elements burn like yours, My bones decay in time, It will never be okay, I’ll explode at my own pace. Seeking love in blood, The hot iron in my veins, Smelted and forged a hooked blade so sharp, That it doesn’t hurt, When it cuts into old wounds that never healed right. Give in to the dead cells that still beat with your heart, Necrotic weight still animated, But damned to the shadows. Safe from the squeamish vampires, Who need only fair and young, Victims. I have seen ugly, Your scars are beautiful, Wear them with me. 230610 ... tender_square i am angry and bothered and hot at the collar. crying frustratingly at minor inconveniences, mascara smearing black ravines across cheekbones, turned away from another walk-in clinic. i am blubbering, wondering when i'll crack. weather warnings about these plumes of smoke advise anyone feeling anxious and depressed to seek the care of mental health professionals. is it personal circumstances or drastic atmospheric swings to blame for my breaking? as i speed through this ass-backwards city, i hate everyone. i'm sick of the ugly sprawl and rapid growth, the ugly weathered faces and withering bodies on the streets, the ugly attitudes and belief systems clung to here in exchange for staying asleep at the wheel. 230629 what's it to you? who go blather from