belief kyla Easy. And, that's IT. 011122 ... kerry carrie was wearing a black shirt as usual. she also, as usual, had on her lap a pale blue electric blanket and an orange cat. the cat’s name is edna, and she only very occasionally becomes restless and demanding during our sessions. “i don’t understand it,” i said to myself and carrie and to no one in particular, “it’s not sadness or pain, like i’m not about to jump off a bridge, it’s a kind of flatness.” she tilted her head, furrowed her brow slightly. when she’s listening she seems so focused, almost studious, like she’s absorbing every single word. ”i wake up chipper. i do! and then at some point everything shifts and i’m literally walking around the house wondering what’s next, or i lie on the couch for hours even though there’s all this stuff i need to do.” “stuff like?” “like writing emails, making phone calls, to people i like, even love. stuff that should be easy. even looking at my phone–i can’t, i’m afraid someone will have texted me and i’ll have to open it and feel like i have to respond.” “what you’re describing, this sounds like depression,” carrie said, running her hand along edna's spine. and then she was quiet, watching me. “well. it just doesn’t seem like–” “i hope you won’t take this the wrong way. but look.” she started listing, counting on her fingers– there’s this, and this, and this. then she shrugged her shoulders like she was frustrated with the entire world around us, and she said, “i mean, how could you not be?” i thought of a client from my internship last year, a high school girl who was also loafing, dozing, drifting through life. we’d had a nearly identical conversation. “look,” i’d said, and started counting off on my fingers–there’s this, and this, and this. “how could you not be?” i’d said. she’d given me a similar look that i’d probably given carrie. It was like she had permission to do something illicit, something she’d been waiting to do. i’d hoped that at least some of that landed, that she’d internalized it. and sitting with carrie i felt it again, coming from both of us–hopefully this will stick. but it’s one thing to know something, and another thing to believe it. 220118 ... unhinged and the buddha said 'don't believe these things just because i said them. go out and prove to yourself that what i say is true.' scientism 220118 ... tender_square she wakes up chipper and then, in the afternoon, her mood shifts. in a text to her mother she realized that stirring, sinking feeling is homesickness. she kept telling herself it was winter lethargy, the stress of trying so hard to keep her life together. it's all those things. and the nearer she gets to night, the closer she is to relief for sleep blots it all away so she can start anew tomorrow. 220118 ... tender_square “i feel like you don’t believe in me like you used to.” “my belief in you hasn’t changed. if anything, i feel like your belief in yourself has, and that can’t be on me to make up for.” he didn’t correct her impression or counter. maybe she struck a nerve, or maybe he was quiet because he felt misunderstood. “i may look like a person who has a lot of energy, but it’s not a bottomless well; i given and i’ve given and i’ve given and i’ve given to you for years. and i’m giving you all that i can right now.” 220612 ... tender_square “what strikes me in these past few sessions we’ve had is how your husband so often thinks that if he can only do this next thing, then he’ll be happy,” the therapist said. “then he gets there and nothing changes, and so then the focus changes to the next thing.” the patient nodded. “and we’ve been talking about belief, and what i’m noticing is while your belief in him and his abilities hasn’t changed, what has changed is your belief that the next thing will be the one that makes him happy.” 220711 ... e_o_i That's why I think "the pursuit of happiness" is not a great pursuit (if one takes that phrase literally). It's much easier to be happy if you're not worrying about your emotions. But then, I also have a similar, probably false - at least grossly oversimplified - belief: "If I do X specific thing, THEN I'll be organized." Calendars. To-do lists. Sleep_training. Sistren, brethren, siblingren, I have never magically become organized. Maybe because "organized" is vaguer than "happy," and I'll never achieve that to my satisfaction. I have to change that goal...well, rethink it. 220712 what's it to you? who go blather from