relief luck is green ah, dreams. it's good to know that someone, somewhere, is more fucked up than me. 010710 ... snakedriver they said i was not welcome i pissed on their doorstep at the stroke of midnight and sucked the blood from the dry socket where my tooth had been knocked loose to spit it on their sign several blocks away i slept that night beneath a poorly kept bush in the park where the cops and their bum patrols wouldn't spot me and land me a night in the tank with the damn drunks 010710 ... chanaka is fleeting and foreign 010711 ... silentbob music 010712 ... belly fire siiiiigh 030311 ... belly fire to see you here again your words they bring me this intangible relief it's like we're in the same room together again 040203 ... DammitJanet ... almost. i'm not quite at that state yet. letting him go was a hard thing to do. saying it was no problem, but actually doing it... sometimes i call myself weak. i'm not strong enough to say goodbye and leave it like that. i become attached so easily. he became such a huge part of my life. he was my heart, my mind, and my aching pain. in another dimension we might have been perfect. if he was a little more... and i was a little less... instead of complimenting eachother, we opposed eachother. which caused our cycle to be stuck on repeat. i'm not mad. i don't regret anything. i'm just upset. upset that this couldn't work like it should have. we both wanted eachother, but along the way discovered we couldnt give what the other actually needed. so instead, we're setting eachother free. but i'll always love him. he gave me so much of himself. i just hope he can say the same. 040203 ... monee i will be relieved when the doctor says it's just an infection 041219 ... cocoon in failure. Now I can focus on everything else. It's such a relief. No more pressure (for the rest of the year at least.) 070221 ... birdmad (each spring is a treacherous thing) from the biological impulses and climatological realities that come with springtime, relief will be in short supply 070221 ... belly fire Is it relief? Okay, so it's not exactly official yet, but I'll be very surprised if the phone rings in the next two days with the news that I've been hired... I said that it was meant to be if it didn't work out, and maybe that's the best outcome. Am I a failure, though? That's a good question -- hopefully there's an answer for that one due shortly. 070222 ... cocoon Found my journal [diary]. I could sort of feel it building up the last few days. 'Emotions. What is this, emotion you speak of?' This calls for my diary - but I couldnt find it! Stress, made worse by the fact that, I need to vent, but I cant - because it needs to go in my journal. Thats where it goes. And I dont know where it is. Trying to cook. Grr. Angry. Stupid dishes, why are you there? Randomly stopping what I'm doing to see if maybe I left it there. No? Gah! God, I hope no one found it. Then, let me get the chair, and look for it properly, and there it was. Phew! A weight off my shoulders, just knowing that. Aah. Now I can cook. Do the dishes. Happy. Because once I've done that, Im going to write down all these stupid things I've been thinking [keeping inside]. Even thinking about what Im going to write about makes me realise what I've been doing [seeking approval on the internet? What the fuck is wrong with me?!] I can breathe easier now. 071128 ... unhinged i feel so much lighter now 091015 what's it to you? who go blather from