building ondele ordering, no more. challenge me to build things that are not easy to forget. 010126 ... ondele one person's heaven is another person's hell. i think this pretty much describes my personality. it's leadering, and i hate leadering. i want it to go away. i know everyone's opinions and feelings are important to hear and have out. Challenges, inspirations, balancing, stabilizing, encouragement, seeking, weaving, discriminating, and dreaming are really so important to have. but my ideal, upon which i base all this leadering, is respect for people's expression. if you think the world is messed up, please say so. if it seems really beautiful, you should say that to. and, for me, this kind of ideal comes at the expense of something that's important to others, love and the power of love. that's the top of the mountain, and it might be either sad or wrong. And maybe for good reason, too, in which case i'll have to tear it all down and start a new one. which sucks. my own heaven becomes my own hell very quickly sometimes. Mysticisms can subtlely merge into delusions or psychoses, and i am personally familiar with the phenomenon. it means that it's time to come back down to earth and live again. Do your own thing. ignore my vague hinting, which i never understand until we're in lalaland. it's why i don't come around here no more. or, i shouldn't. and yes, dreaming in blue is a very human, sympathetic experience. 020204 ... hallucinogenic building walls because when we came home they were laughing and I wasn't in on the joke. shut myself in this building to hate their happiness in my absence. 020205 what's it to you? who go blather from