vent Soma I watch the the liquid smoke flow up Thermal jets in dark oceanbeds and seas Blue. White. Flashes then explodes Washing over me in HD RGB Swimming in the calm tenor of another's voice I drown memories that swirl inside Learning how the water heats so high But the pressure prevents its boil Hydrothermal vents An ocean of probable commonality. Have I not made myself in ways As liquid hot enough to harm But never quite visibly boiling? I am tired of all this pelagic life. Rub my palms on salt crusted across my face The infinite venting of a pressurized boil Coming up from so many dark and hidden places Reddened eyes and aching limbs Evoke the shifting of my own planetary crust If it's not clear to you I'm sorry I cause so much pain 220420 ... raze the only supply vent that works up here was cut into my bedroom wall after the fact. a sideways peace offering from one of the worst men i've known. the best liars are the ones who convince themselves they're telling a truth only they're wise enough to understand. he's one of those. the grated mouth he gave me pumps air into my closet. if i abandon my bed out of desperation and curl up on the uneven floor, i just might make it through the summer without sweating off half my body weight while i sleep. 220423 ... nr don't mind if i do. let's get more literal here than usual, shall we? there have been a million changes to this account over the past two years, and i'm the only person who has constantly stayed on it, other than my team manager. it's a beast. i'm way too overwhelmed to even explain everything going on. i have other accounts too. sometimes i have the flu but can only really take one day off, because who else would steer the ship? the manager puts his reprimanding hat on sometimes. i don't like it. it's ugly and i will remove it from his head and throw it on the ground in a huff, in the childlike way i'm being treated. okay, yeah, it's not that serious. he cares, and he's telling me the beast is my baby and i need to make sure everything is good. no shit. i surpassed my sales plan for months in a row because of this insanity, which is the definite plus of the situation, and get good reviews from the people involved. i feel like after that, not to mention 3.5 years doing this job, there could be some reassurance that i know these things. i'm pretty sure i can read people more than he can, though. you don't do PR and sales for years and not gain any insight into manipulation. i mean... intuiting people's needs. today i woke up to a long complainy email from the boss of this account. not about us; about indirect things that we'll need to explain. she knows they're indirect at least, and she specifically made a point to say how quick and helpful i always am, so she's sure everything will get sorted out quickly. that's another plus. you can't survive these things without some kind of show of appreciation. winning the $2,500 prize for selling the most of the brand, twice in a row, is also a plus. if i can stay until the new year, i might win a travel voucher. then once i receive it, i can quit. but can i? or maybe i should sooner? i am not fully myself. there was a company-wide meeting today about mental health with professionals offering advice, and the topic of burnout came up. someone asked what would be some early or less-obvious signs that you're experiencing burnout. one of them was just... feeling flat. not happy or sad, just not being able to access as much emotion in general. i guess if something is flat, nothing will fall off. or something. i don't want to be flat. i don't want to be tired. i want to win money and trips due to the fuckload of work i do. but i don't want to keep doing this type of fuckload. i wish there was a way. i think my mind will leave this thing long before my body does. 251002 ... Jus They say when you stop fighting you know it’s over. It happened today. Cars weren’t moving out of his way fast enough, he was getting mad, driving aggressively. I said, “just take your time, we’re not in a rush.” He knows about the PTSD, how I feel when I’m in the passenger seat. We’ve been together for a decade. He snapped back, “well, she wasn’t moving fast enough.” I didn’t explain myself. I didn’t say anything. I explained to him that my armpit was kind of swollen today and I was nervous it was cancer. He rolled his eyes and said it could be anything. I know he’s right. Later, he joked about me dying and I said, “too soon” he didn’t get it. When he’s home he gets time. Every night when it’s bedtime, I get the baby, he gets to jerk off and smoke weed and play Rune Scape. When he’s home, he doesn’t work for 6 days. I never have a day off. With all the illness, I haven’t had any time for myself. The baby needed to be on my body at all times. Today I told him, after a full day of classes and grocery shopping and spending time with the family, I needed an hour. I needed to do some reading for class tomorrow. I also really wanted to finish my dinner because I was busy feeding the baby while he enjoyed his food in peace. It was 30 minutes before I heard the baby crying. He ripped his toe open from tossing a play table, something I never let him do. He needed me, so we cuddled and watched Cars. But he was in too much pain to sleep. He has him now. I was exasperated and said I just needed an hour earlier. He said, “well don’t blame me” then picked up the baby and slammed the door behind him. I always thought he was so nice. I say, the baby got all of his dada’s chill traits. But was I blind? Or does parenthood change a person? Last year, he crossed a line he will never be able to uncross. We were done then, really. But every new day just keeps passing us by. We are too preoccupied to break up. 251021 what's it to you? who go blather from