desperation ovenbird When I was less than a year postpartum I was convinced by an extroverted friend to spend a weekend with other parents and their babies in a hotel somewhere in Whistler. I don’t know why I agreed to this. I was not in good shape mentally at the time but it seemed important to make an effort to socialize. So I packed a bag for me and the baby and made the trek into the mountains. I ran into trouble almost immediately. There was no dark place to put my baby down to sleep except the bathroom. So at night I wedged the travel crib between the shower and the toilet and managed to get my baby to sleep. It was probably 8 or 9 pm. I went to my own bed and by midnight realized I had to pee, but I was not willing to wake my baby in order to access the bathroom. Nothing could have compelled me to go in there because if my baby woke he might never go back to sleep and then I would not get any sleep and then I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the next day and…my brain kept spinning on all the horrifying things that might happen if my baby woke up. I soon became desperate. I didn’t want to have to wander the halls in my pyjamas to find a public bathroom in the hotel, but using my own bathroom wasn't an option. So look… I’m not exactly proud of this, but I was in the throes of mental illness and not really thinking straight, and it occurred to me that I had a whole bunch of diapers (you know, for the baby?) and would it really be the end of the world if I used one? I grappled with the logistics of this but in the end I decided this was the best course of action, and discovered first hand how strangely absorbent diapers are. And I can still feel the tortured turmoil in my brain that made me do it. I know what it is to be exhausted, anxious, and terrified in a way that causes all dignity to be lost. I look back on that bedraggled, perplexed version of me and say “you did what you had to.” I have not, thankfully, had to use a diaper since. And I hope that will stay true for a very long time. 250525 what's it to you? who go blather from