exhausted sarpedon Her eyelashes fluttered Coming to a close My voice tapered off Growing more silent to Accommodate the mood She nodded a few times, But her breathing gently Became regular A few strands of hair May have been out of place But there was a peace That could not be recreated She discovered Solace in slumber Security in my presence 020726 ... Bespeckled I've never been more screwed up emotionally. I have no idea what I want or what I need to find happiness in love. I usually pride myself on being so completely self-aware. So in tune with who I am and what I want. For the most part, that's still true. Except for love. I thought I wanted someone independent. Now I'm not sure if I want someone more dependent. I just know I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to get hurt ... ... and I'm waiting for you to make a move that will assure me. 050122 ... unhinged i don't know how to say no to you everything you ask for i give you've seen horrible shit you've been through horrible shit so what you ask me for doesn't seem like such a big deal in light of all that so you don't think i should be upset i don't think you realize all the shit i've seen i've been lucky enough to see most of it at a distance to not have had to go through anything truly terrible but it's enough to watch the people i love go through shit i absorb the shit around me i don't know how to block it i don't know how to stop it you have thrown so much shit at me without any regard for how that might make me feel you aren't the worst person in your world but that doesn't mean you haven't put me through some shit i am exhausted drained scared sad nervous (i've been this way for so long that i just can't take it anymore) 100806 ... cocoon god talking to you is exhausting. and by talking i mean, having you talk at me. 110308 ... unhinged and this time i might just be exhausted enough to let_go 110308 ... unhinged ( your_drama has been making me sick for so long; if i am going to accomplish the only goal i have, i have to be healthy. but don't act like it hasn't been a long painful road for me to leave you behind) 110308 ... lostgirl goodbyes are hard for me. obviously. but this time i mean it. endings create the need for beginnings, however... the memories will carry us until then. 110309 ... unhinged the sun wakes me up at 5am now. the days are obviously longer. my retail job drives me up the wall on so many fronts. my allergies are so absurd i have abandoned natural means and broke down and resorted to antihistamines. i wake up. i put one foot in front of the other, hands out_stretched, eyes blind, zombie_like. it feels useless. i feel useless. 150611 ... tender_square i press my palms into my eyes with my elbows propped on the island. i complain of tiredness. "you wake up so damn early!" mom argues. i disagree; i get eight hours of sleep a night. maybe it's a sugar crash—the cashew granola bar, the packet of maple and brown sugar oatmeal, the mini maple donut from mcdonalds—and the four cups of coffee, what constituted lunch. "you're doing so much every day," mom insists. (i am?) she says she's impressed with what i'm accomplishing alone, she wishes she could get her ass in gear. a prospective employer emails to say i have an interview early on thursday. usually, in these scenarios, i would mock-question myself with all the standards, rehearse my answers to feel prepared. "i don't have the energy for that," i say to my parents. they ask why i have to go to such lengths. "if i don't, and i don't get the job, then it means i didn't try hard enough," i reason. they say it's a matter of fit, that i am capable of thinking off the cuff. and it triggers a wondering as to why i hold myself to such standards of conduct; why is the aim to be perfect instead of being myself? 230326 what's it to you? who go blather from