mom mikey you are the angel sent to watch over me the shining light of protection in my life im blessed to have a friend in you thank you for raisinmg me and raising 5 of us alone. thank you for being so strong. i think im a good person and its because of your values and morals. i love you mom. 010306 ... soia my mom came to see me today and nothing changes. my dad died exactly 6 years ago to the day. good night and thanks for the camera. maybe you would have thought with that needle in your arm but no no no. why the fuck do you have to be the one I admire and why the fuck was a born unto the two of you and yeah that's just how life goes I guess but didn't you ever think you were doing the wrong thing? 010617 ... daxle "ok...well I'll be here tonight" (if you want to call and tell me what you're upset about) "ok" (I'll never tell you) 010803 ... kinkazoid my mom and dad were big pot heads when i was like 2-3 and they spent lots of money on it and everything so one year for christmas they bough lots of presents and didnt have money for pot and my mom got all pissed off at my dad for it so she kicked him out of HIS house (he paid rent) and yelled at him a bunch he called like the next day and she wouldnt even talk to him they talked on the phone through my 13 year old sister my mom told my sister to tell my dad she hates him and she wants him to go to HELL thats the last we heard from him they found his body in the woods a couple days later he shot his fucking head off i hate my mom 010803 ... spoons the only thing you can give me i cant have 010910 ... celestial "what are you so angry about?" "i think it goes deeper than that. i think youre just blaming it on that." "i really want you to go to a christian counselor. i think theyll understand you better. these secular counselors have some crazy ideas." youre crazy, bitch. why cant someone just be a regular fucking psychiatrist without you calling him/her secular? and thanks a lot for acting all pissed off at me when i said i want help. then with that innocent fucking voice say, "im not mad at you." THEN WHY DO YOU FUCKING SOUND LIKE IT. fuck you i hate you sometimes i hate the way you control me i hate how you cant just let me be stop pushing your ideas and beliefs and problems off on me. so what if your mother yelled at you every day of your life? so what if your father was an alcoholic? my father yells at me all the time. both my parents are fucked up. you purposely makes me feel guilty for wanting to get away from that shit. you make me feel ugly and stupid by telling me that my self esteem would go up if i just "took care of myself." and whats taking care of myself anyway? to you, its wearing nice stylish clothes, wearing make-up, waxing my fucking eyebrows, brushing my goddamn hair even though it looks the same not brushed as it does brushed. you wont let me be who i am. why must you constantly tell me that i am not in love, that i am confused? why cant you just be happy for me for having found someone i love who loves me in return? just because you had a hard childhood and you THINK that youre ok, does NOT mean that you have the right to start yelling at me when i have the guts to admit that i need help. what the hell do you know about me? not a damn thing. FUCK OFF! 021118 ... psychobabe you know.....*sits and ponders* ALL of you people on blather who fucking sit there and complain about your mothers, need to fucking open your damn eyes. I mean FAWK, how the hell would you be here today if it weren't for the one you call mother? huh? i just sat here and laughed me fucking ass off cuz of all your pity storys, i mean shit, funny stuff i swear- *wipes a tear from laughter off her eye* shit, no one has room to complain. The only ones who do are the ones who's mothers have passed away, not cuz of druggz, or abuse or anything. This is the one who gave you your fucking life, she could have taken it away like THAT! but ya know what?! she didnt, so fucking get over yourselfs- love always- psychobabe 021118 ... celestial oh whatever. what the hell do you know about anything? you know nothing of the troubles of anyone, so shut the fuck up. just because someone gave birth to you does not necessarily make them a good parent, or even a good person. nor does it mean that someones mother doesnt have problems of her own that affect her. some people have mothers who might as well have given birth then taken the life of their child just "like THAT!" so how about YOU get over YOURself. and by the way, its "yourselves".. not "yourselfs" 021118 ... Mister Funkadelic to put celestials words more succinctly breeding capability does not equal parental skill lots of animals bear children they care nothing about, many of them are human i was lucky enough to have an decent mom, crazy-overprotective, but otherwise a damn nice human being not everyone is so lucky 021118 ... psychobabe awww fawk, celestial, i'm sooo so sorry, uh! can you eeeeeeeever forgive me? ok you sit there and claim your moms a bitch for sending you to see a councler, cuz maybe she'll understand you better. WHAT THE FUCK is stuck up your sad and pathetic ASS?!? i mean honestly dude, you piss me off but at least i can laugh about it unlike you being all "depressed" n' shit. BTW thaaaaaanks for correcting my spelling as if it makes a fucking difference. See, i look at the screen not knowing who you are, but yet i can already see an image of a fucking whiney baby. "Oh no *sniff* my moms sending me to therapy, i'm so depressed i'm going to push myself over the edge." your so funny. You know that right? so i'm a bitch huh? how can i be one when all i've said is what i feel, just...like...YOU? hmmmm? ever thought of that?! this place is a place to tell wtf your feeling and you are condeming me for WHAT I FEEL! faaaaawk youuuuuu celestial, and while your at it, tell your mom she rules. At least she has some sense. your bestest, most loveing amigo- psychobabe 021119 ... celestial "ok you sit there and claim your moms a bitch for sending you to see a councler, cuz maybe she'll understand you better" not the case at all. like i said, you know nothing of the troubles of anyone else. least of all me. you dont know the details of my life because i havent stated them here. this is a place for me to vent my frustrations no matter how insignificant they may seem to you. yes you have the right to say whatever you want to say. therefore i have the right to tell you to shut the fuck up. but at least have the decency in you to take other peoples feelings into account and being a bit respectful rather than purposely trying to make people feel like shit. and the next time you try using something ive said against me, how about getting the fucking details. the bottom line is.. you dont know shit about me or my life or my goddamn mother. shut the fuck up 021119 ... MisterFunkadelic I normally don't say mean shit to kids, but hey psychobabe, shouldn't you, uhh, maybe, hmm i don't know... go roll another car or something. your hypocrisy is amazing. 021119 ... hmm.... choices on 021002 psychobabe says: god what the fuck i hate this topic GAH! everyfucking TIME i swear it never ceases to be, my mom brings this shit up in our arguments IT WAS YOUR CHOICE THAT WAS THE MISTAKE YOU WERENT THINKING WERE YOU? CUZ IF YOU WERE YOU WOULDNT HAVE DONE WHAT YOU DID! WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW BITCH! YOUR NOT IN MY HEAD NOW ARE YOU! SO SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I FREAK OUT AND SHOW YOU ANOTHER BAD CHOICE I COULD DO! 021119 ... christ on a bicycle hey psychobabe- please stop knocking people down when they feel already feel dejected. it's heartless and shitty. clearly you're insecure, or you wouldn't feel the need to make your responses so cruel. the person above quoted you, illustrating perfectly how hypocritical you are. i guess now you'll respond with a retort about how in retrospect you can laugh at what you blathed, but please do us all a favor and save it. oh yeah and: you suck. 021119 ... christ on a bicycle correcting a typo when they already feel dejected* 021119 ... psychobabe fuck you, fuck you, fuck you KERRYS KOOL fuck you, I'm out- 021122 ... psychobabe YOUR ALLLLL A BUNCH OF BITCHES!!! HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAH AHHAHA HA AHA HAHHA AHAHAAHAHAH AHA AHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHA AHAHAHAHAHHHA HAAAH AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YOU SILLY MOTHER FUCKERS! 021122 ... psychobabe hah. sarcasm. Your all WAAAAAAAY to serious. Take a fucking joke 021122 ... belly fire Mom called last night. I'm always a little shocked to hear her voice on my machine - not because she doesn't call or because - whatever - but only that her voice is so familiar to me that it scares me just a little. To her it when I'm unpacking groceries and shrugging off my work clothes. Lately when we talk she's always on the verge of - something - and I think: maybe she's hiding something... maybe she wants something... or needs something... maybe she's lonely... tired... dying... I'm beginning to reconcile that this isn't my paranoia as always, I'm beginning to think this is a daughter seeing her mother with both eyes open. 53 and not healthy, not perfect. Maybe she hears in my voice my desperation to set her mind at ease. Nothing matters but that she's my mom. I could live happily with her etheral hims and haws on my machine...packing the vegetable drawer to overflowing in my warm fuzzy robe. "I don't mean to be a pest...uh...but I saw this WONDERFUL movie the other night and, oh Samantha, you just have to watch it when you get a chance? Maybe rent it? Well...that's all really." BEEP. 021123 ... psychobabe heh i dont know what to say about that belly, but it made me think, yet smile in the end 021125 ... nom my mom listened to my show on the phone. she said she was sitting in the kitchen crying. 070523 ... Isaou Sometimes I think maybe she doesn't care? But then, that's what mum's do, they care...so i guess she must? 070524 ... no reason whenever my mom calls me, she talks at me and often doesn't hear what i have to say because she's talking over it. it's like an "information update." i complained about it today... it was bothering me, especially since she lives in another country now and we don't talk so frequently. she seemed a bit exasperated, and she'll probably tell my dad, and my aunt, and who knows. i feel kind of guilty though because i guess it's not her fault i could use someone who needs me and listens to me and that those people seem pretty rare lately. she has trouble fixing anything, though, and tends to fight and retreat (and tell other family members) when she feels attacked. 121202 ... no reason maybe this is the way people my age are supposed to interact with their parents: just a tradeoff of info about what's going on. too bad i often feel like a teenager. 121202 ... unhinged i know i was horrible to you i'm sorry now i understand all the work what you went through a little better i get it i'm sorry 121202 ... unhinged my love of art my love of food my creativity all things you taught me 121202 ... nr she was sympathetic and a buffer. at times like these, especially, i feel really anxious without her. 211003 ... nr sometimes i say things to myself, or say things when by myself i'd imagine saying to others, and your response comes to me naturally. i was just watching a tv show and thought to myself, "wow, that's a patronizing therapist." i'd have said it out loud if we were all watching it together, and even in the end of your days, you would have nodded at me vigorously in agreement. 211028 ... nr you paid attention better than anyone else in our immediate family. even though i didn't always feel seen by you, in those moments i did. i miss that. 211028 ... nr she appears in my dreams less and less 220310 ... kerry i wish i could be excited to see you, to search eagerly for your face at baggage claim, to enjoy your familiar smell–your neck, shampoo, laundry detergent that never changes–when we hug, which we will. i imagine you will be wearing cropped pants and some expensive leather shoes you think of as “artsy” with abstract shapes and no laces, and a soft t-shirt that says “life is good,” and you will put your hand to your head and say how your hair must look a mess from the flight. and i will bring you home and show you all of my things and my life, and put your suitcase by the bed covered with a quilt that you gave me. and you will be happy-nervous, internally wringing your hands, your large hands with so many rings, hands i know so well, hands i examined and played with when we sat in church and rings that i tried on many times and said i wanted when you die. when you visited in san francisco god that was over ten years ago, we stayed in a nice hotel, we climbed steep hills until our feet ached and we celebrated thanksgiving in chinatown with sake and calamari and noodles, and we floated all over and it was glorious. i don’t remember your visits in oregon at all, and i don’t know what that means. you used to seem powerful to me, but now i’m so aware of your anxiety and self-doubt–i can smell it, sour and sad, and stories you’ve told me have entirely different meanings to me now, and i know in a way you’re afraid of me. and i don’t want to comfort you or mother you, i just want to pull a blanket over my head and go to sleep and be small and warm. instead of excitement i’m full of dread, exhausted though you haven’t even arrived. i know the air in the house will be thick and suffocating, and i’ll want nothing more than to get shitfaced and not care, and i’ll fall in bed at night and have no dreams. 220616 ... raze the silence that grew up between us is old enough to have children now. sometimes i wonder what i'll feel when she's gone. if i'll feel anything at all. what runs through you when you hear about the death of a stranger? someone you never knew? maybe a bit of vague sadness that dissolves before you can give it a name. milk clouding a cup of coffee you weren't going to drink anyway. i expect it'll be something like that. 220616 ... nr i forgot my laptop charger and my laptop died, so i had to search for other old laptops around the condo, figuring there would be at least one buried. i was right, and now i'm using yours. there are stickers from a bonnie raitt show and a brian wilson show, and a turtle, on it. i remember the bonnie raitt sticker well. when i leave i will put it in a better place. 230701 ... e_o_i Today we went for burgers. She had said before that she was taking an intro to linguistics class, as part of her TESL degree, when she was pregnant with me. Now she added, "The teacher was flexible, too," and gave some examples, including, "She let me take the exam later." Sitting across from her, I asked, "Why did you have to take it later?" She laughed. "Well, I had you." "That's a good excuse." 230702 ... tender_square inside my birthday card she wrote how overjoyed she was when i came into the world, and how much joy i continue to bring to her life all these years later. it made me cry and it happened in front of a friend of mine who watched the scene unfold. as my mother and i embraced my friend said bitterly, "i wish i had a relationship with my mom like that." it's easy to focus on what we lack than appreciate what we have; for a while now, i've been lamenting the relationships that have come apart. my friend's reaction helped me realize i need to be more grateful for the relationships that are stronger now. 230730 what's it to you? who go blather from